Steps for finding the perfect partner
Does the perfect partner exist? Yes. Will you ever find them? Possibly. With a degree of constructive searching though, you can increase the odds of finding someone who is very close to that elusive perfect partner ideal. Here are some of the ways you can skew the odds in your favour to find that perfect match…
Know exactly what you are looking for:
People often jump into relationships far too easily. Time and time again I hear from friends of mine about how they really want to be in a relationship… and the next minute, at the first opportunity, they are in one. Knowing you want a relationship is not enough if you actually want to find someone who really fulfils all your criteria for a suitable partner. Rarely do people sit down and think about what they really want in a partner, expecting their dreams to be satisfied through blind faith alone.
Start by writing down a list of traits you are looking for in a partner. The more detailed it is, the better, although personality traits and behaviours are far more effective to concentrate on than physical ones. The result of having a list like this is that from then on, whenever you meet a potential suitor, you will subconsciously – or depending on how abundant your dating life is, consciously – screen that person to see if they are what you are looking for. Obviously when you meet someone new, you don’t want to be literally standing there ticking off a list. Subconsciously qualifying suitors is natural and they will undoubtedly be doing a similar analysis of you. People can willingly adapt if they are attracted to someone, so don’t be ruthless initially.
It’s a numbers game:
If you only ever meet men or women you are introduced to through mutual acquaintances or through work, perhaps you can meet five to ten people of varying quality a week. If you have a variety of hobbies, lots of friends and an active social life, you can meet HUNDREDS of men or women every month, and that is no exaggeration.
The more people you meet and the more proactive your dating life is, the greater chance you have of finding your perfect match. Keeping this as an ongoing process, you will never have to admit defeat and settle for someone who doesn’t meet your highest standards.
After knowing exactly what I wanted in a partner, it took me a dedicated year before I actually met the woman for me. I met hundreds of women over that time, further refining my tastes while trusting that it was only a matter of time before the one I really wanted appears.
Have high standards:
If you follow the advice in this article, you will have first decided conclusively what you are looking for, either through experience or through visualisations of how you want to be treated in a relationship. Next you have established with yourself that you are willing to meet a LOT of people in order to make this truly work.
The next piece of the puzzle is to have high standards and be resolute towards conveying them to others. If you want the most fulfilling relationship possible, you can’t settle for anything less. I dated many wonderful women leading up to meeting my girlfriend, Heidi, but I always knew deep down that there were certain parts to their personalities and behaviours that were not necessarily bad but equally were not what I was looking for.
Whilst I agree that some things can be changed and adapted as a relationship progresses, other aspects cannot. If you’ve just started dating someone and are already clashing only a few weeks in, be honest with yourself about whether you truly want to be in the relationship as it is.
Don’t let peers influence your choice of partner:
Everyone wants to be proud of their new girlfriend or boyfriend but do you really need your friends to approve of who you date? I know so many people who put up with incompatible relationships simply because they get validation from having a “trophy girlfriend”. I’ve even known cases of men hiding negative aspects of their relationship and pretending everything is rosy just so they can flaunt the illusion of a happy relationship to their peers.
If you like that certain someone and they have a few extra curves on them, or they are intrinsically clumsy, or they have some weird feature; be unashamedly proud of them! Your true friends will be happy for you if you are happy. Remember, personality is far more important than looks!
This is one point where I want to be precise with my description. Once you are COMMITTED to your partner (and if you’ve been following the advice in this article, that should only be when you think you’ve found “the one”), you DO want to stop actively searching for other partners. Anything else is simply disrespectful to the setup of the relationship.
During the casual dating phase though, and whilst still deciding and experiencing whether a committed relationship with this current person is right for you, you do want to keep searching. If nothing else, it is useful merely as a comparison. One simplified test to know if someone is right for you – and this is exactly how it happened between me and Heidi – is if they make you WANT to stop seeing anyone else! If you are a person of integrity, one simple rule must be adhered to whilst doing this: Don’t imply that a man or woman you are casually dating is exclusive if they are not. When the relationship is exclusive, stop searching!
Affably groom the relationship:
Grooming sometimes has connotations of manipulation or possessive behaviour, but what it means here is, “your partner might be willing to change certain things for you and you won’t know until you give them a friendly push”. Don’t be a tyrant for double-standards though in a sense that you must be willing to adapt for your partner too if this is the case.
Reward and compliment your partner whenever they do, or try to do, something for you that is outside their usual habits. They will invariably be happy to do them more often if you do.
Be willing to move on if things are not right:
This point promotes what I think is the best mentality to keep a relationship working (up until you have legitimate commitments such as marriage, kids or a shared house at least) and that is an abundance mentality. An abundance mentality can be summed up by the common dating quote, “there are plenty more fish in the sea”. Couples that are inevitably going to breakup, often drag out the separation so much that they end up hating each other, simply because they found it too hard to let go! Not to mention that they’ve actually wasted time finding someone they are more suited to.
Your partner will change over time:
Whether you actively try to or not, your partner will inevitably change their own beliefs and behaviours over time due to their own life experiences. One of the three key components to a consistently fulfilling relationship is being willing to GROW with your partner. When one of you is growing faster than the other, you start to become emotionally distant.
Keep up to date with your partner’s development and embrace their unique journey. The core component for a happy person is personal growth, so it goes without saying that the core component of a happy couple is joint personal growth.
There is no foolproof way to meet the perfect partner, as you are always relying on a certain degree of luck that this person will be attracted into your life. By adhering to some or all of the points in this article, you greatly increase your chances. 🙂
Sam, I think you need to look up the wors superfluous in a dictionary.
Yes and I am aware I just spelt word wrong!
I was always led to believe that superfluous meant ‘excessive’ but it seems it also means ‘obsolete’, so I guess it could be the wrong use in this particular context. Thanks for your correction Bob. 🙂
I’ve never heard it used as obsolete; excessive or unnecessary wouldn’t have made much sense in your sentence. Also inflated is a poor substition… light cannot be inflated nor painted so the metaphor is all over the place. “Flattering light” is probably what you’re going for.
I’m sure you’re already riled up about the way I used the letters to spell out my ‘name’, but I’d like to share what I see from the third point of view here.
You have clicked on this web article for one reason or another, yet you bring negativity over something as trivial as a definition. I can almost guarantee that 99.9% of people reading this even thought of that word as they are looking for ways to improve THEIR happiness.
I don’t wish to bash you, yet, you seem so jaded in one persons views of a way to try and find what they are looking for.
I’m sorry if the reason you are on here is that you were hurt terribly in the past, but the old saying stays true still; “What doesn’t break you makes you stronger.” I will not go tit for tat over who has had the worst of things happen to them in relationships,however,one that does stick out is trying to be murdered by a man I had been with for 7 years. But here I am!
I was saved by neighbors and sure there are days where I wanna say FORGET IT!, but having someone as a companion by your side really can make life that much more enjoyable.
So please, before you come into a +positive+ area to throw in petty nonsense, just try and think of people that are reading this trying to get back up in the saddle…we don’t want to have them feeling as if there is some hope by article’s end and then read some comments that bring them back to that dark place.
FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD!!!!! It may take some time to finally get your formula right, but once you do….well, we all know the rest 🙂
P.S. Sam is RIGHT! As a female, I tend to jump into things so fast and find out that they are the opposite of what I thought, so ladies, before you make any bold moves to be exclusive, try and make sure you seem him in almost any situation that can come your way as a couple so that you know if he has those same views and reacts in a way you can handle…and NOT in the puppy-dog love phase…you only see a glimpse of the real person as they want you to think they’re cool as a fan,not jealous,have anger under control, you catch my drift.
And if you jump in with a person that has a child, though you may start off as an enemy with the “other person” as there a complex makeup of feelings involved there…they may just turn out to be your best glimpse into the future…it was war with myself and the “previous wife”(though we’re not married, that had been the long term plan).
So crazy I can’t get into it here, but one day after the person in common we had, she gave me more insight into what to expect and gave good advice as well. Not many ex’s would tell you to get out while you can since you are so young and SHE has noticed that a spark she once saw in me was fading every time we ran across each other and said go while you can, I wasted too many years and lost who I was. Coming from a happily married woman who you fought in court to lay it out for you…that is a conversation I will NEVER forget. I’ve been warned! If things were different with the current situation, I would have gone that day as I was at wits end and I already knew I was not the same quirky, goofy, artistic blonde.
On a side note-crapass relationships can cause horrible idea blocks for artists unless you want to go over to the “dark side”, LOL!
Wow, this is super long, keep up with paying it forward Sam!!!!! All good things eventually come to those who want to share their knowlege…some immediate, others, well, I’m still waiting!
GOOD LUCK TO ALL THE LOVE ADVENTURERS!YOU ARE BRAVE AND I COMMEND YOU! <3
One last thing… in reading my comment quickly after I hit SUBMIT, I noticed MUAH (that’d be me,heehee :p) had misspellings and gramatical errors, so yes, I am quite aware of them, no need to point it out, thank you though!
I am a voracious reader and “self educator”, so believe me when I say that little nuisances like that bother me more than your average cat!
On to bigger and better things now…just wanted to clarify that I am aware those mistakes are there….all apologies if you can’t even read it such nonsensical writing! J/K 😉
Have a good one to all , and Sam-Man, keep your insight/observations coming! It’s excellent to sit back and read what you ALREADY know, yet be forced to pull it into the forefront of your mind. It is often the most logical and common sense ways of approaching things that we make that much more difficult,glad someone makes this ADHD girl stop and think even if just for a moment, then have those words pop back up in your mind again later to think on some more….and let’s not forget words of wisdom on a stance in situations I have yet to think of or find a way to get the point OUT to make some sense.
You really help in pushing home the idea of DON’T SETTLE! I love it(even though I’m guilty) and have a great way of getting the words out on things we are feeling inside but don’t know how to pinpoint with words or actions.
I’ll say it again, thanks for helping to try and shine light on the cattle call of singles out there just moving along with the rest of the herd instead of doing what we already feel somwhere deep inside we should be doing instead of just being a “serial monogamist” leading to a trail of tears as well as ‘What was I THINKING?!’
I’m stuck,literally right now in a horrid thing,but was looking for that Prince Charming after a year of no-go’s and now I have moved across the country with my child only to be stuck in a void of not only feeling empty, but mental and physical abuse…this coming from a ‘man’ who knows the wicked past I come from and promised to never do that or make me feel that way, yet here we are! Burns&blisters down my back after having boiled water thrown on me while standing there doing dishes because his trust is non-existant and he misread a text on my phone, LOL! I keep them all on there while he erases everything, if I had anything to hide the inbox wouldn’t be full! TeeHee!
SO LADIES(men too i suppose :)) , when I say see him in every situation possible before you commit to something, please please please play it out for as long as you can, no matter how much you feel like this is your version of ‘The Notebook’….and if you have a child or children, take even MORE time! It’s sad when he calls this man dad(pfft) and the child the man has from a previous marriage is his highlight, so it’s not going to be good on several levels when it ends, which it will. I’ve tried til I know that I am with someone who only truly picked me as a ‘status’ symbol…so lame.But ya know, i fell for it too! Thought that he was being so real in saying thanks the Lord everyday for bringing a woman in his life that is not from CA and concerned with all the material items, etc. , that set me apart.
He just wanted that tall blonde model in her 20’s as he is 41 and must’ve needed that validation. I know with him being bipolar life is expected to be a rollercoaster at times, but even after havin 3 best friends with extreme cases and that were hospitalized too many times to count, this is a man that wants nothing to do with his meds until you walk them over…give him a drink..make sure they’re swallowed…HEY! I have such bad back probs that I can’t even move in the morning but do you think I’ve ever had him try and rub golf ball size knots out of check and see if there is any way to try and feel if the fluid coming out of your discs is even possible to be felt when things are worse than normal…I have to STOP NOW!
Ok Doc Sam…how much do I owe ya?????? SO SORRY ABOUT THE NONSTOP FLOW OF WORDS,JUST STARTED AND NEVER STOPPED. That is….until….NOW!
First up, thankyou so much for taking the time to write those responses, your insights and awareness are outstanding! 🙂
Thankyou for your kind words about the article and I agree with all the points you added on. People can definitely play an act in the beginning parts of a relationship so I agree seeing them in many different situations and over time before confidently committing is useful.
It’s good that you seem so aware of the situations you have been or are in. I can tell from just these short passages that you’re an intelligent and strong woman who ultimately knows what to do in situations.
Thankyou for writing and please keep in touch, 🙂
Sam’s a personal friend of mine, he asked me to look over his articles and comment on his writing style. I was offering him advice, there was no negativity intended.
Cheers Bob. What would I do without you! 🙂
What did you think of the actual content of the post?
This is the best blog I’ve ever seen in my life! I really appreciate you taking the time out of your busy day to share your this with everyone.
I am confused. I was originally of the opinion that if you were having doubts if you were in the right relationship then it wasn’t the right relationship and you should leave.
More recently, I have spoken to many people with relationship doubts and they say everyone has doubts and it’s normal.
I have been in my relationship for 5 years and I have serious doubts. They plague me day and night and even in my dreams. I feel like I’m going crazy from the stress, and I wake up nearly every night with serious worries. But the thing is, my boyfriend is wonderful. We have heaps in common and he’s a lovely person, very reliable, fun, and almost everything I have been looking for. But I can’t committ to him because of these plaguing doubts. Yet even the thought of breaking up with him brings me to tears.
I really don’t know what to do.
We don’t have a mortgage together yet or kids or anything, and I am 32 years old and wanting kids in the next few years.
What do you think I should do?
Thanks heaps Sam
Doubts in a relationship are very common but it is where those doubts stem from and the true meaning behind them that is important.
The most enjoyable aspects of a relationship are always in the moment. The things you describe about your boyfriend, such as having a lot in common with him and enjoying your time together, are positive affirmations felt in the present.
In contrast to this, any issues with commitment and security are anxieties stemming from the future (this is especially true if these feelings are influencing your subconscious mind such as in your dreams). It seems like the situation you are in is caused by a clash of these two principals, creating a waypoint in your relationship.
Another article of mine that you might like to read is called ‘Should I stay or leave my relationship’. That article gives a few tips for rationalising any conflicting thoughts you are having about your relationship and then focuses on the most important point, which is to be decisive and then be proactive once you have made a decision.
The article also talks about how list methods can help you come to a decision. One thing I would add in your case is to separate that process into two distinct categories: your relationship and how you visualise your life over the next few years (including your desire for kids). It will be easier to notice the point where the two clash if you do it this way.
I still advocate the general rule that one should only stay in a relationship for as long as it is continually fulfilling. Sometimes there are other factors that are not specifically related to your partner that can make a relationship less fulfilling though. Hopefully by pinpointing the cause of any anxieties or stress, you will be able to realise what you really want in a relationship.
Take care and let me know how things turn out,
Thanks Sam, they sound like practical steps to take. We are looking at a house to buy together on the weekend, so I’ll have to get into gear quick smart and figure out if it’s the best thing to do! It seems like the best thing to do is wait, but he’s been waiting so long for me to decide already.
One of my problems is that I have been in a series of long-term relationships since I was 15 and had no single time except a few months here and there (recovering, not quality time). So I’m quite curious about being single and whether there is someone ‘perfect for me’ out there. Your article got me thinking about how you can actually find that person if you look hard enough. It all takes courage though. If I commit in this position, I’m worried that I will be tempted to stray down the track. But my lovely boyfriend does NOT deserve that – no one does. Geez, it’s so complicated. I feel like such a horrible selfish person.
Hi again Rebecca,
On the contrary I think you sound like a lovely person and the more honest with your boyfriend you are, the more he will respect you and your wishes.
You say that you have been in several long-term relationships with not much time being single in-between. Whilst being single obviously takes a lot of the pressure off, which in turn can help people realise what they are really looking for in a partner, it only really helps in finding the ‘perfect partner’ if you are willing to casually date lots of people over a short space of time.
Prior experience of committed relationships is actually more useful at this stage. Although you may not want to directly compare these past relationships, take some time to think over the aspects of a relationship that truly fulfil your needs and desires.
I don’t often specifically recommend books but the book ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle is really useful for overcoming anxiety or fear. A lot of your fears are based on what may or may not happen in the future. If you can disassociate from those and realise whether you are happy in your relationship as it is now, you can probably make it work.
If instead you realise that the fears and doubts are definitely stemming from a lack of fulfilment in your relationship, then it may be wise to be open with your boyfriend about not wanting to rush any further commitment.
All the best,
Thank you, Sam, for your articles, and, Rebecca, for sharing your story. I gained a lot of insight.
You are very welcome. Thank you for reading the website. 🙂