It is uncommon to hear that you’re a lousy lover from someone you are in a relationship with. Sex is such a personal and intimate act that most people would dread the repercussions and the upset of telling their partner that they could do with improving.
It may be the case that your partner simply doesn’t know any better, having only experienced mediocre sex their whole life.
However satisfactory your sex-life is, you can always improve, be it with new techniques, improved performance or trying new experiences.
If you are keen to enrich your sex-life then the following list will give a good basis of initial things to be aware of. Below are 10 common mistakes men make in the bedroom…
1.) Thinking sex isn’t as important to women:
In modern culture women are often portrayed as less promiscuous than men, or at least are seen to be less brazen about their sexual activity. This can lead to men believing that women don’t desire or enjoy sex as much as they do.
The reality is that women do enjoy fulfilling sex just as much as men do but the way their bodies are wired means that arousal levels aren’t always as instantaneous as those of a man.
Couples who gradually drift into a relationship of infrequent sex usually do so because they start making assumptions about their partner’s sex-drive. This also comes about by always expecting to both be “in the mood” before engaging with each other intimately.
Sex-drive correlates quite accurately with how fulfilling sex is for that particular person. The better that sex is with a particular person, the more you will crave it with them. Likewise, the better you become at turning your partner on with simple touches and general foreplay, the easier it will be to initiate sex.
2.) No longer being a man:
I’ve talked about sexual polarity in the past, most notably in the article Getting your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more sexually expressive.
Sexual polarity basically involves there being clear dominant and submissive roles in a sexual relationship. These roles can swap between male and female at different times but truly fulfilling sex always involves that polarity. Sex without the contrast of sexual polarity becomes permissive, hesitant and monotonous.
Obviously sex can and should be an emotional and loving experience but there are times when a woman wants you to unashamedly take control in the bedroom and lust for her.
3.) Not enjoying or doing enough foreplay:
Most men see foreplay as a means to an end and although foreplay is mutually enjoyable, its value to a woman’s sex-life is far more pertinent than that of a man.
A good metaphor for sexual arousal is that a man’s sexual arousal is like a switch whereas a woman’s sexual arousal is more like a slider.
The thing that makes sex incredible for a woman is anticipation and being sexually teased. Foreplay is all about these two things.
Learn to enjoy foreplay as an act on its own and not simply a direct route towards sexual intercourse. Take your time and try different foreplay techniques to find out exactly what drives your woman wild. The payoff is that sexual intercourse will be far more fulfilling if you are both already at an intense level of arousal.
4.) Thinking what works for one woman works for them all:
Dispelling this assumption was the first enlightened moment I personally had with regards to a truly fulfilling sex-life and one that only really develops with experience.
It is incredible how much variation there is between what different women like in the bedroom. This includes things such as pressure, roughness and sensitivity, as well as their own differing levels of experience and confidence. These all vary greatly between women and it is only by learning, experimenting and observing her physical reactions that you will discover what works for her.
If you have trouble reading your girlfriend’s responses then there is also no harm in asking her directly what she likes. You may not always be told a specific answer though (perhaps she doesn’t even know yet herself) so learning how women respond to different things in the bedroom is important.
Even if you feel that you do know exactly what pleases your wife or girlfriend, constantly giving her a variety of sexual experiences is the fastest way to a varied and fulfilling sex-life.
5.) Being emotionless in bed:
The fastest way to a monotonous sex-life is being silent, emotionless and robotic during sex.
It may take a while to become comfortable enough with your partner to get to an advanced level but dirty talk is a severely underrated sexual technique. Other than this, simply giving audible enjoyment and showing more emotion in bed will improve your sex-life drastically.
Eye-contact is another aspect of connecting that develops on from this and is one of the most powerfully intimate things to do during sex. You’ll notice how much more comfortable and loving this becomes the longer you have been with someone.
Whenever sex becomes a routine or an obligation, the emotion and desire behind it is usually the first thing to disappear.
6.) Not being able to control ejaculation:
Premature ejaculation is something that is common amongst men. In fact, whether particularly premature or not, most men can improve their control of how and when they ejaculate.
This is mainly an experience issue and you will become better at this the more you have sex. One thing that helps is learning not to put too much pressure or anxiety on sexual performance. Having an understanding and loving partner helps in this instance.
Although non-judgemental sex is the best solution to work on this issue, you can also privately practice control in this area (I don’t think I need to go into further detail with what I mean there). As another practical solution, there is also a training technique called Kegel exercises that can help towards having more control in this area.
7.) Not knowing when she has an orgasm:
One of the biggest mood killers in the bedroom is asking if the other person has had an orgasm yet or asking when they would like you to stop. Not only does it devalue the whole sexual experience but it shows a lack of understanding of your partner’s body.
There are a lot of dubious statistics flying around about how many women fake orgasms. The fact is that it should be very easy to tell the difference between a fake orgasm and a real one, both physically and visually.
There are more advanced techniques with regards to this such as getting a woman to orgasm on cue but the most important thing is to have belief in what you are doing and how easily you can make her have a genuine orgasm.
8.) Thinking sex is only about techniques:
As you become a better and more long-term lover, you’ll realise that the emotion of sex becomes as important, if not more important than any specific techniques.
An insight I recently posted on twitter was “a woman’s imagination is one of her biggest erogenous zones”. What this means is that women in general are amazing at making imagery extremely vivid. If you can combine other sensory techniques along with standard sexual practices, you can give women the most intense orgasms of all.
To be able to do this you have to create what is called sexual trust. The more sexual trust you build with each other, the easier it is to completely let go whilst in the throes of passion.
9.) Concentrating on your own sexual gratification or worrying too much about hers:
Both of these will lead to sexual anxiety, which is a contributing factor to several of the above points.
Concentrating solely on your own sexual gratification is likely to leave your wife, girlfriend or lover feeling underwhelmed or unsatisfied once you finish. On the other hand, worrying too much about her sexual enjoyment is likely to affect performance, particularly related to ejaculatory control.
Learn to let go, enjoy sex for what it is and take the pressure off of your performance altogether. The irony is that you are likely to perform better if you do.
10.) Not intent on improving, getting help or experimenting:
As mentioned in the introduction of this article, however skilled you are in the bedroom, you can always improve further!
This starts at a basic level. Unfortunately there is not a lot of decent mainstream education for men with regards to sexual fulfilment. Sex Education in schools and pornography do nothing but limit or hinder any advanced knowledge.
Set about searching for quality, well-informed books and videos on the topic of sex and don’t be embarrassed to do so. I can almost guarantee that there are a number of revolutionary sexual practices and techniques that you are not yet aware of. 🙂