My last article was about how to improve your dating life and social life by starting to approach and meet more people in everyday life. I thought I would write a somewhat related article before diverging into more in-depth relationship topics once more.
This article focuses on a dating principle that is often executed poorly, if executed at all…
The most important principle in dating:
One of the most overlooked pieces of the dating puzzle is the process of telling someone why you like them. If you’ve ever had someone stand you up for a date… If you’ve ever had someone you like not return your calls or texts… If you’ve ever had someone seem really interested in you only for that interest to suddenly disappear without explanation… Failing to state your interest in an attractive manner is probably the reason!
It seems simple in principle but so many people fail to actually tell people they are attracted to what it is they actually like about them beyond their physical appearance. A result of this is that the other person will always be thinking “hmm are they only after one thing… Do they actually like ME?” Admittedly, this is more of a common thought amongst women, as dating culture has set men up to be the pursuers, who will generally reap any reciprocated interest regardless of sincerity.
Whatever your intentions are, if you don’t tell someone what you like about them early on, any future relationship is going to start in a staggered fashion, if at all.
Some people have more acute social intuition than others, generally based on how socialised they were during adolescent years. Even so, I’ve seen countless cases in the past where someone thinks they are being glaringly obvious with their interest in someone by being flirty in whatever way they choose and yet the other person does not pick up on the subtle indications. This communication confusion often leads to a premature end to any relationship that might have occurred.
Reasons for not telling someone specifically why you like them can either be due to shyness or an insufficient understanding of the differences between male and female psychology. Everyone likes to feel desired… but to be desired as a unique human being, not just as a hot piece of meat!
Modern culture attempts to program women into thinking that any man who sparks up a conversation with her is just trying to chat her up (it is a fair enough thought, as it is often true). Furthermore, with a man continuing to chat to her in certain situations, she will start to think he is only trying to get in her pants so to speak.
This is proved to me time and time again if I ever approach and meet particularly defensive women in bars. If I happen to mention my girlfriend at any point during the initial conversation, it’s astonishing to see how quickly this type of woman drops her defences and replaces them with renewed enthusiasm for the interaction. If you find yourself in an interaction with a similar type of woman, I wouldn’t recommend saying you are in a relationship if you aren’t, but I hope you see the underlying value of not being a pest or a threat.
What do YOU look for in a partner?
The best way to start this whole process is to sit down and write a list of qualities you look for in a partner. This does not have to be an exhaustive list so I suggest starting with five key qualities you look for. Bear in mind that the more detailed and thoughtful your list is, the higher your standards will be once you start applying them. Your chances of knowing when you’ve found the perfect partner increases dramatically.
The point of this list-writing exercise is twofold. Firstly, having this list will hone your subconscious mind to naturally screen members of the opposite sex for the qualities you are looking for and spot them more easily. Secondly, it will give you a base list of questions to ask once there is mutual attraction between the two of you.
At a most basic level, you can simply go through your list, asking your questions in the form of, “Are you [x quality]?” Obviously you will have to become more imaginative with the majority of these questions so they don’t sound contrived. The more you do this, the more you will subconsciously discover these qualities in people and react positively as a natural consequence anyway.
The key is to make your compliments and interest deserving! Far too many people seem to simply agree with everything their partner says or give fake appreciation for things they have no interest in simply because they think it will impress their partner. Having standards and giving out genuine compliments and appraisal is far more attractive!
My personal list of qualities I look for:
If you are looking for some inspiration, here is my personal list of character traits I specifically look for in a partner:
- Smart, as in good common sense.
For the record, my girlfriend Heidi meets all these qualities by a large margin and exceeds them with many other qualities too. I can’t remember the exact instances when I discovered each of these qualities in Heidi but I am sure that every time she showed generosity in my presence, or talked about something adventurous she had done, my genuine positive reaction let her know that I was interested in her.
There is a BIG difference between saying “wow, that’s amazing, I really like that about you” with sincerity, compared with someone who simply agrees and acts impressed with everything a member of the opposite sex does, thinking it is a direct route to winning them over.
What it all boils down to is developing a secure level of self-esteem so that you feel at ease comfortably teasing people you are attracted to, whilst at the same time not feeling restricted in giving out genuine compliments when you want to.
As always, I would love to hear any feedback from you on these topics, or if anyone feels brave enough to share their own list of qualities they look for. 🙂