A fundamental flaw in dating and why you should never stop meeting people
A question I often get asked is, “Does your girlfriend mind that you are a dating coach?” As part of that aspect of my work, I often take men – and occasionally women – out into the real world and demonstrate how easy it is to meet people of the opposite sex, so to put their question another way, does Heidi mind that I approach other women? The truth is that even if I didn’t work as a dating coach I would still approach other women! Before I receive a backlash from that statement, let me explain what I mean…
Attractive people in relationships:
One of the saddest aspects of relationships is that they can turn even the most attractive person into their antithesis over time. Have you ever had a friend who has suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth after getting into a serious relationship? Or, have you ever come out of a long relationship only to feel clueless as to how to succeed in the dating world again?
Both of these questions are answered by analysing the contrasting mindsets between people in relationships and those same people when they are not in a relationship.
Meeting new people while in a relationship:
Regarding approaching other women while in a relationship, the significance is in the meaning you derive from the phrase “approach other women”. The reason people recoil at the notion of actively meeting new people while in a relationship is because of the preconditioned view that approaching someone of the opposite sex always comes with romantic intention. This is one of the fundamental flaws in modern-day dating culture.
Change your dating mindset:
The reason why men and women get anxiety about either approaching someone of the opposite sex or going on a date with someone new is because they put so much dependence on the outcome of the interaction or meeting. They are viewing it through a dating mindset’ rather than a social mindset. Hence, questions such as “will they like me?” and “am I going to impress them?” become the focus rather than the more important question, “does this person have the traits, qualities and connection I am looking for?”
There is this whole supposition that in order to attract someone you are interested in you have to actively BUILD attraction with that person. If you think or act in this way then you will always be deeply dependent on the outcome of any interaction, however hard you try to hide it. There is also the risk of becoming morally objectionable or socially manipulative.
The alternative mindset – and one that will carry over into having fulfilling relationships – is to work on being consistently attractive by default. This includes living an attractive lifestyle, learning attractive conversational skills and then as a consequence, “building attraction” with EVERYONE that you meet, male or female.
What you should be striving for if you want quality and choice in your dating life and relationships is to develop an unconscious competence in social interactions across the board.
Changing your mindset and approach in this way will also have a hugely positive impact on your personal standards regarding romantic partners. If you’re just looking for random flings and casual dating then it may not be so applicable, but if you want to find someone that you can ultimately fall in love with then you must get away from generic dating mindsets.
When you meet someone who does start ticking boxes, your conveyed interest will be far more genuine if you wait for them to show traits that really attract you, as opposed to physical attraction being enough.
To summarise the key points in this article:
- Work on being attractive as a whole rather than having to build attraction with specific people.
- Treat meeting people, regardless of gender, simply as a social activity to alleviate any outcome dependence or cognitive dissonance.
Even though I approach other women, you will equally find me approaching other men too, as it makes me a more rounded, sociable and attractive person. So to answer the original question, “does Heidi mind that I approach other women?” Well, only if she minds me meeting people in general! 🙂
“One of the saddest aspects of relationships is that they can turn even the most attractive person into their antithesis over time. Have you ever had a friend who has suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth after getting into a serious relationship? Or, have you ever come out of a long relationship only to feel clueless as to how to succeed in the dating world again?”
So true. I’ve always thought of myself as oretty good with the ladies but the two longterm relationships I’ve had (both 4 years) I took my social skills for granted, got in a rut and was utterly clueless when I was back on the market. I guess aswell as keepiung you attractive it also means you have options when your single again.
That’s correct that it means you have options when you get out of a relationship, although more from a psychological stance than a literal one. It also helps to keep your relationship in perspective by knowing that if things aren’t working out or you aren’t happy in the relationship, you can move on.
Whilst you don’t want to be thinking of any of the people you meet as ‘backup options’, having a strong social circle reassures you that it IS easy to meet people and start dating again if you are single.
Thanks for your comment,
Great writeup mate – I got a lot out of this one! Cheers
Got a couple of extra questions but my comp is about to pack up so I’ll have to ask them later if thats cool.
That’s fine; ask any questions you want, I’m happy to answer them. You can either e-mail them to me or write them here and I will reply.
Thanks for your comment; I’m glad you got a lot out of this article. 🙂
Very well said. I couldn’t agree more. That’s a great attitude to have. I’ve had friends who have changed because they have finally found that special someone. It’s their choice I guess. You give some useful tips Sam. So many times, I thought I met someone special, and then find out that he’s really not interested. I think you can come across as most attractive when you’re living life to the fullest and not losing sight of who you are just because a potential mate is giving you the time of day for the moment. People can make our lives richer, and if you love people, that’s part of who you are. No one should limit that part of who you are when they truly love you.
Yes I think everyone knows someone who has changed because they have got into a serious relationship. It’s inevitable to change in some aspects because obviously personal feelings and life situation immediately transition. It’s when people forget the very things that brought them together with their partner that it has an adverse effect though.
The most astonishing situation (and I know many cases like this in real life) is when a partner actively restricts their partner’s social life (being jealous if they go to a party on their own or out with their friends for example) and then wonder why their partner changes after being conditioned this way over time!
What you say at the end of your comment is wonderful… Relationships are great and love is the most powerful emotion in the world… but there’s a lot more to who you are than those two things! I’ll leave it at that as you summed it up perfectly yourself. 🙂
Thanks for your insights Elena,