Dispelling male myths about dating – part 1
Before I delve into more in-depth dating techniques and advice, as well as more substantial relationship advice, I thought I would go through a couple of common dating myths that are floating around. I’ve heard these phrases and similar from many different sources time and time again, so I thought I would deal with them once and for all…
“Women don’t enjoy sex”:
This is one of the most absurd myths floating around… that women don’t enjoy sex! On the contrary, most of my female friends can’t get enough sex and want it all the time, assuming it’s good sex. Ever heard of multiple orgasms? The difference is that due to modern cultural norms, women often don’t like to admit they want sex and be branded a “slut”.
This myth is especially rife in a clubbing environment where even the most promiscuous women will say they are going out “to dance”. Do you really think women spend several hours choosing the perfect, sexy outfit, fixing their makeup multiple times, doing their hair with the precision of a rocket launch and generally presenting themselves as a sexual-being just so they can dance? Look, if women just wanted to listen to music and drink with their female friends, they would have a little gathering with CDs and cheap wine at home. Women go out to get laid, just like men.
That’s not saying that women would go out and have sex with anyone. Such a thing would be risky and also alienate them from their peer group and oppose their biological instinct to mate with a man of strength and power. Many women fantasise about going out and being confronted by her Prince Charming, who whisks her off her feet and take her back to his castle for uninhibited, lustful sex. But it has to happen organically. Note that the rules change slightly for women who are already in happy relationships and this is something that I will specifically discuss in an upcoming article.
From speaking to female friends, it seems they can happily go without having sex for some time. This is better than sleeping with the wrong guy to most girls. Having said that, even my less attractive female friends can generally get sex whenever they want, just by calling around a few ex-boyfriends, guys they have previously hooked up with, or just random desperate guys they know. Because of this, men can generally relate to feelings of sexual frustration far more easily.
“Women want a man who will shower them with gifts and affection and give them whatever they want”:
This may even be what women say they want but if so, they have been watching too many Disney movies and Hugh Grant films. 🙂 Being a challenge and “hard to get” is an old theory but one of the most effective ways to create attraction, if done in the right way.
Buying women gifts and showering them with affection early on, before you know her properly, basically communicates that you don’t have particularly high standards and that you are easily impressed. Secondly, it’s not original at all! If you play things cool during the first few weeks of meeting someone new, with the attitude that she is still winning you over, you will be on her mind nonstop, I guarantee. She might even say that she wants more attention and affection from you, but what is she doing there? She’s thinking about you, trying to work you out, and most importantly, pursuing you!
“Women with boyfriends are out of bounds”:
I by no means condone breaking up a happy relationship but in my experience, women of beauty are usually already in a relationship of some kind and get into new ones as soon as the current one ends. My most attractive female friends literally have a queue of guys waiting to get their chance, whether they realise it or not. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are perfectly happy with their options.
There are specific ways of obtaining women with boyfriends without being manipulative and harsh to her current partner but all you need to know here is that almost any woman, whatever her relationship status, is most definitely obtainable.
“If I study hard and get a good career, women will like me”:
No, they will like your wallet, and do you really want a woman like that? Not regarding the fact that while you are spending eight hours a night slaving away at your books and computer, you are missing out on valuable and irreplaceable practice of social skills.
You can learn ten years of social skills in just six months if you want to. Most professional men are going out one, maybe two nights a week, and generally getting drunk beyond recognition on those nights. There’s not much tangible practice of social skills going on.
Work on your social skills and learn to present your personality authentically. Then you will be able to find a women who truly likes you for just being you! 🙂
The second part of ‘Dispelling male myths about dating’ can be found HERE.
1. “Do you really think women spend several hours choosing the perfect outfit (usually showing off an excessive amount of leg and cleavage)…generally presenting themselves as a sexual-being just so they can dance?….Girls go out to FIND SEX”
You are right; sex is one of the most pleasurable physical experiences regardless of gender. However, I am certain that many women will disagree with you that our reason for wanting to dress attractively (or provocatively even) on a night out is purely because “Girls go out to FIND SEX”. Excluding women who are specifically on a mission to get sex, there is no predictable correlation between the way a woman dresses to a club and what/who she hopes to find there. Women are much more complex than this; sex is only normally one part of a larger plan we have in our minds.
Regardless of whether or not we are “showing off an excessive amount of leg and cleavage”, surprisingly our dressing habits do not always revolve around men. One of the predominant reasons for a woman dressing up to go to a club is because she wants to feel desirable, which is very different to simply wanting sex. She wants to feel attractive and desired by everyone there- by both men and women. She wants the men to WANT HER and the women to want to BE HER. But this doesn’t necessarily mean she wants any action that night, and this is why you will see provocatively dressed girls dancing in their groups of girl friends, shunning any guy that tries to join in with them. So just because we present ourselves as a “sexual being”, it doesn’t always mean we are specifically looking for sex itself; the way we dress CAN be just to simply look and feel good.
2. “…the less a woman has sex, the less she actually desires it.”
What scientific information are you basing this on? Nobody’s hormones “become dormant” just because they haven’t had sex for a while. If you hold your breath, do your lungs become dormant? No.
You seem to forget that WE ARE ALL ANIMALS WITH URGES. Women are not alien creatures. We have needs just as men do, and in fact, the less we have sex, the more we tend to want it and talk about it with our friends because it becomes something more special.
3. “If you play things a lot cooler during the first few weeks or so, with the attitude that she is still winning you over, it will drive a woman CRAZY to not know what you genuinely think about her.”
Perhaps this comes with maturity, but my advice to men is not to play games with a woman at any stage in the relationship. It is true that you will be on her mind a lot if you act aloof (and it’s generally good not to be too intense too soon so you don’t seem desperate for attention), but this is a boy’s way of getting what he wants quickly, not a man’s way of gaining respect from his partner.
To “drive a woman crazy” by blowing hot and cold can doom a relationship; a little teasing is ok, but too much will lead to a dependant relationship on the woman’s part. Do you really want her to feel like she desperately needs you in her life? How annoying will it be to have her phoning you up every second of the day asking if you still like her? This isn’t a relationship that will last long. If it is a long term relationship you are after, it’s best for a woman to WANT YOU, not to NEED YOU- you will have her respect this way. Having the ability to gain and keep respect from your woman is what separates the men from the boys.
4. “ ’If I study hard and get a good career, women will like me’….No, they will like your wallet.”
Most women who are attracted to this type of man are NOT just after their money. In general, anybody who has been lucky enough to further themselves as much as they feel they need to and choose a career that fulfils them on a personal level will have higher self-esteem, making them happier people. EVERYONE is more likely to be attracted to a HAPPY PERSON rather than a moody, self-loathing individual full of resentments.
The truth is, if you know ‘who’ you are and you are happy with yourself as a person, then you will be confident enough to BE YOURSELF which is what is most attractive. “Studying hard” or getting a “good career” are not specific things that you should do to become a sexier man. A man becomes sexier when he seems satisfied and comfortable in his own skin.
Thanks for your long response. As a man, I can only give general observations of female psychology, so it’s great to have a female perspective. What I will say is that the majority of what I wrote is based on subconscious female traits as well as what I have extensively witnessed in real life. A lot of it is counter-intuitive but that’s not to disregard its value.
I will try and respond to each of your points…
I can’t recall the specific study off the top of my head but my comment on hormonal intensity was based on a documentary I saw about psychosexual libido but also from what a number of female friends have told me about their experiences with celibate phases. I admit these aren’t necessarily conclusive theories so I respect the points you made.
Sex-drive is something that fluctuates greatly between individuals due to many variables such as gender, age, emotional state etc so it can’t be quantified easily. My hypothesis was based mainly on the social education males get regarding female horniness. I don’t know the chemical biology behind it but I think we can agree that the male species are generally stimulated far more easily than women and this is partly where the myth stems from.
As for dressing provocatively, once again I was referring to the unconscious desire for sex and left out anything that I thought would dampen the message. I definitely agree that women dress provocatively to feel desired and not directly to find sex but I think it has become more than that… It’s definitely a cultural thing these days. I like how you phrased your points about women wanting men to ‘want them’ and women to ‘be like them’. All your points I agree with here. My point though was to try and quash the male notion that single women will go out and defiantly not have sex, regardless of the person or the circumstances. There may be some cases of women who will adhere to this but in my experience it isn’t a huge trend.
Regarding my points on attraction, I definitely didn’t mean to imply that I advise playing games. To some degree I believe we are all playing games when dating, as we are groomed into such creatures of habit and social conditioning but I always advocate being genuine and acting with integrity. However, there are some things that guys do that are so counter-productive to creating attraction and it’s not actually their fault, it is simply how society has taught them to act.
The act of push-pull (commonly referred to as teasing or flirting) is something an ‘attractive’ person will do naturally and is an extremely important concept in attracting someone who meets all of that person’s criteria. I agree that as people mature, the degree to which this method of flirting is effective is reduced and that is once again, partly a cultural thing. Related to my comments about the ‘clubbing generation’, it’s extremely hard for a guy to actually talk to a girl without there being some kind of assumed agenda. It’s why I teach a very indirect style of approaching men or women, so that thoughts such as ‘this guy is just trying to get in my pants’ are reduced. It doesn’t invalidate the sincerity of an interaction; it merely balances things out at the beginning stages of a relationship so there isn’t so much of a pursuer-prize agenda that has been conditioned into society.
These concepts are what attraction is based upon… They WILL make a woman want you. Neediness is an internal trait (no one can ‘make’ someone needy). Whilst I agree that respect in a relationship is extremely important, it comes further down the line than the short phases of dating I am referring to (namely attraction and rapport).
Your comments on my point about being successful in careers are definitely accurate. I was referring to a small demographic of men, who do believe that simply working hard and obtaining monetary wealth is all that is required to attract women.
I agree that being successful, being confident, having passions and having ambition are all very attractive traits but they are not guaranteed side-effects of gaining wealth. A lot of my students (especially students I meet through Lovesystems, as their bootcamps are so expensive in the first place) are extremely successful in business (some even millionaires). However, they have totally ignored the other aspects of their life that makes them naturally attractive to women, despite the money.
You made some really good points Flo that have got me thinking a lot so thankyou for taking the time to write all that. 🙂