There are several factors that contribute towards how attractive you are, or more precisely, how attractive people perceive you to be. The two overriding factors though are your internal beliefs and your conveyed personality.
Internal beliefs are generally formed through life experience, from infancy onwards. If you receive sincere positive messages and attention from others, you will generally have more self-belief and confidence by default than if you rarely receive validation of that sort.
Conveyed personality is an extension of that inner confidence and is basically how we come across to other people, including first impressions and social skills.
Internal beliefs and conveyed personality are closely related, with each one directly affecting the other. This means that by improving one aspect of these attraction variables, you proportionally improve the other.
This article will focus on the latter of these two variables, with the goal being that by paying attention to certain aspects of your personality, you can increase how attractive other people perceive you to be. This will in turn improve several internal beliefs.
Note that this article is not implying that you change your core personality, more that it is suggesting ways to convey your personality in the best way. Also remember that attraction doesn’t stop when you get into a relationship. Presumably you want to remain attractive throughout your relationships too!
Without further ado, here are three steps to being more attractive…
1.) Being unreactive
Every single example of social human interaction is either a bid for connection or an attempt to get a reaction out of the recipient. If someone tells a joke, they are intending to get laughter in response, and if someone is being threatening, they are intending to get fear and cooperation as a response.
It is easy to misconstrue exactly what being unreactive means in the context of being more attractive. Being unreactive is not about being an emotionless robot, void of being able to make a genuine emotional connection. It simply means that if someone tries to get a reaction out of you, you are in complete, conscious control of how you react to it.
If someone is making a mutual and positive bid for rapport then the whole concept of being unreactive becomes redundant. It is when someone is making a measured attempt to test your confidence and self-belief, something that almost everyone does subconsciously, that this concept really becomes useful.
A recent article that discusses some of the practical aspects to being unreactive is called Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory. The important thing to remember is that negative emotions are created internally. It is an advanced skill to develop but no one can actually MAKE you feel a negative emotion! Learn to stay positive, calm and happy regardless of what anyone says to you and you will have the basis for attracting even the most testing and high value men and women.
2.) Being playful
This step is primarily for the nice guys and their female counterparts who don’t know the best way to act around the opposite sex when it comes to attraction. The general strategy of a nice guy is to play it safe and ask boring, rapport-seeking questions immediately after meeting a woman. Although this can occasionally work depending on the individual woman and the context of the interaction, it deprives a woman of the essence of what attraction is meant to be.
The concept of being playful comes under many guises such as flirting or teasing but what it essentially is, is being fun!
If you are interacting with a man or woman that you are attracted to, you want to be making them smile and you want to be conveying your interest in a way that isn’t disrespectful or seedy. People without much dating experience tend to hide their intentions and interest altogether!
The way I ultimately sum up being playful and being good at flirting is:
“Saying something mean in a nice way.”
This is always with the express intention of making someone feel good. If no one is smiling or responding to your playfulness positively, then you are doing it wrong.
I have literally hundreds of examples and practical ways to be more playful, but what is important here is that during the attraction phases of developing a relationship, playful and fun is far better than safe and serious.
Learning to be more playful and speak the subtle language of flirting was what essentially turned me from being a nice guy… into being an attractive, desirable nice guy!
Both men and women can benefit from being more decisive, direct and leading. The roles of men and women in society suggest that it is the male who must take the initiative regarding relationship progression. Regardless of gender, the important thing is that any specific interaction is actually progressing in whatever way is mutually desired.
A romantic relationship is only going to develop if someone is leading the escalation of both emotional and physical intimacy. Aside from this fact, from a woman’s perspective, being a dominant, self-assured and leading man is inherently attractive!
There are obviously many more factors and intricacies involved in attraction, but the three listed above are what I believe to be the three core components in attracting and progressing relationships.
A lot of the success is in calibrating how and when to balance these three concepts and that will only come with experience. Remember not to hide your true personality but equally, try not to let negative internal beliefs determine what that true personality is! 🙂