10 ways to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend
In the conclusion to the article The ONLY way to prevent your partner cheating, I talked about being the best boyfriend or girlfriend possible. Below is a list of ten attributes that can help you be the best boyfriend or girlfriend possible…
1.) Lead an attractive lifestyle:
An attractive lifestyle is something you should be constantly trying to optimise if you want to live a happy and fulfilling life. The more happy and fulfilling your own life is, the more happy and fulfilling your partner’s will be. Emotions are contagious!
There is a common piece of dating advice that says “bring them into your world” and it definitely applies to long-term relationships too. Humans are creatures of habit and routine. There is nothing more exciting than being incorporated into an exciting and new attractive lifestyle.
An attractive lifestyle is made up of many aspects: having a healthy social life with lots of interesting people in it; having exciting hobbies; creating opportunities such as travelling and adventure. All are wonderful things to be able to share with someone special.
2.) Have ambition:
There aren’t many things in a relationship more deflating than having a partner who mopes about with no aspirations, passions or goals. One of humankind’s greatest needs is to have a sense of purpose. It is far harder to grow and develop yourself if you are with someone who is content being stuck in the same old routine for the rest of their life.
Even if certain ambitions are merely distant dreams and you are currently in a mundane job just to pay the bills, having aspirations and talking about them with passion will inspire your partner and make both of you more likely to achieve them in the long run.
3.) Access to resources:
I’m not talking about being filthy rich here or being able to completely financially support your partner but having a certain degree of independence is important in a relationship so that your partner never sees you as a burden.
Security is the foundation of many relationships and knowing that you will never be out of a home or desirable luxuries is extremely reassuring for your partner.
4.) Have high standards:
I’ve talked many times before about having standards in a relationship in order to keep it healthy. The article How to get through bad patches in a relationship is one article where I discuss the topic.
It seems counter-intuitive to think that your partner would want you to impose high standards on them but it actually says a lot about your character and your commitment to the relationship to always want to keep it as fulfilling as possible. Your partner probably doesn’t want to become complacent or let their lifestyle deteriorate, which is a lot easier to achieve if you are always encouraging and inspiring them to be their best self.
5.) Display attractive traits:
This is another common factor that leads to couples becoming complacent and relationships becoming stagnant. Remember the key factors that your partner was attracted to when you first met each other and strive to be the ultimate evolved version of that person, rather than the antithesis of it.
Confidence is attractive whatever stage of a relationship you are in so always try to display these characteristics. Other attractive traits that keep a relationship fresh are playfully teasing your partner and maintaining a level of unpredictable behaviour, as long as it isn’t harmful.
6.) Make sure your partner is sexually satisfied:
Another common cause of relationship dissatisfaction is a monotonous or non-existent sex life. If you want to be the best partner you can be then make sure your partner is always being sexually satisfied, including things such as sexual fantasies and new sexual experiences.
Allow your partner to open up and talk freely about these subjects. Far too many people find these topics awkward or embarrassing to talk about in detail but they really shouldn’t be between an intimate couple.
7.) Listen to your partner intently:
Make uninterrupted time for your partner, especially if they are in a time of need.
If you have a busy schedule or if your mind is on other things, try not to resort to multitasking and giving your partner only a portion of your attention. Find a time later when you are not so busy and you can give them your FULL attention. An act like this does not go unnoticed!
As I predominantly work from home, this is a common occurrence with me. I always make sure if I have neglected Heidi at some point throughout the day that she will have my undivided attention later on, where I can take in every word she is saying with full interest.
8.) Be supportive:
At different times throughout a relationship, each partner will require more or less support from the other, be it emotional support or simply taking more of an interest in your partner’s activities and own interests. Knowing you are there for them and that you are actively interested will definitely enrich the relationship.
9.) Be thoughtful:
Most people do think about their partners a considerable amount but that does not automatically mean that they are thoughtful.
It’s the little things that count so much in a relationship. Remembering something they liked and then surprising them with it at a later date, or making them something creative and memorable both show exceptional thoughtfulness. Basically, doing anything that says to your partner, “I was thinking of you” is wonderful.
10.) Be loving:
The ultimate way to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend is to be loving towards your partner. If all else fails, if you are loving then your partner will know that you truly care. With this, most other relationship problems or obstacles can be overcome or worked through. 🙂
Cant think of anything to add.
Thanks Jon. I’m glad you think it is concise! 🙂
A friend recommended your site to me and I have to say I love this list. I have a question though. It is all very well me trying to hit these ten points and I like to think that I already do. However, how do you make sure that your partner is also trying to hit the ten points. I often feel rather disappointed when I feel I am making more of an effort in my relationship than my other half. Should I show him this list or try and be more subtle?
All the best, I think the advice you are giving is great : ).
Thanks, it’s great to have you here. It is also a very good question you have asked. 🙂
One person outgrowing their partner or seemingly making more effort than the other is a common reason why someone might get ‘fed up’ in their relationship. It’s not necessarily your partner’s conscious fault that he is becoming complacent and you can definitely inspire partner-development as I like to call it in him yourself.
You could send him this article or another similar resource you think would help if you like but firstly it will be hard to make it seem 100% caring and avoid it coming across as patronising and secondly, people only really change if deep down they really want to themselves anyway!
Humans in general respond very well to good leadership and you continuing to be the best partner possible (and best person possible) will definitely influence his behaviour in a positive way.
There is no quick fix for lasting change if it really does become a problem in your relationship but if you start to slowly impose higher standards on the relationship, he will innately want to live up to them… Complacency is something that is allowed rather than chosen!
Hope that helps and feel free to write again, 🙂
I’m here from Problogger. Your site has useful content. Thanks.
Maybe your call to action could be “related posts” at the end of the post you’ve written. Or give us an assignment related to the content. I know that you’ve already written it all out, but sometimes what makes me actually put it into action is a request. Just a thought.
BTW I added you to my Google reader.
That’s a great suggestion about related posts, thanks. I think I now have a big enough archive of articles to make it effective. I’ll get to work implementing it and testing it out. Please do let me know what you think of it when you see it in action in a day or two. 🙂
Your assignment suggestion is another great one, thanks. I’ll think about that when writing future articles… I definitely agree that practical advice is more useful than hypothetical advice, which is why I generally only solicit things that I have had personal experience of knowing works in the real world.
Thanks for the add… I’ll be sure to check out your website too. 🙂
11.Voluntarily verbally indicate your respect for and confidence in them.
It really helps self-esteem. “you are a good driver”. “I have confidence you’ll make a good decision.” My husband did not fall into the trap of his making a decision for me (and I would have someone besides myself to blame). Instead he wisely let me know that he had confidence in my ability. (After all, I had picked him to be my husband.) 40 years later I am still married and grateful that he says encouraging things.
12.Share the same basic values.
Mutual trust and faithfulness. Cleanliness, place of God in life, place of family, use and philosophy of money, hard work, careers and children.
I have no doubt that I am cherished and valued and have no fear of being betrayed.
Bah this comment slipped past me… Two great additions to the article though, thanks a lot! 🙂
Your first point is great; there’s actually no better way to push someone to be their best self than they way you describe. A lot of couples think that the pleasing aspects of their partner go without saying and it’s the bad aspects that need picking up on… Whereas in actual fact, it is the opposite! Dishing out respect and confidence in your partner’s abilities actually has the psychological effect of them IMPROVING those aspects further as they enjoy the feeling of being respected and appreciated and want to replicate it wherever possible (increases self-esteem as you say). 🙂
Your second point is great too; whilst a couple of those issues I believe can be compromised on slightly in a relationship, there are some values (typically called ‘deal-breakers’) that do need to be on a mutual level to really work.
Thanks for your comment and 40 years of marriage is mighty impressive; congratulations! I would love to hear more about how you make it so successful if you ever want to wing me an email. 🙂
what can i do to become a best boyfriend with my partner if all the people around me is against in our relationship? or most special people always say that it’s not for the right time to show our relationship in a public because of fear in the past boyfriend of my girlfriend.
A lot of people would advise that the only opinion on the relationship that really matters is that of you and your girlfriend, but obviously it is better to not have any negativity from anyone else either. Is it specific people who are against the relationship as you say and are any of their opinions justified? Bad feelings between ex-partners are common and that whole scenario is something that I wouldn’t recommend you get too involved with yourself.
Rebelling against or resenting their opinions isn’t going to achieve much so all you can really do is try and show to everyone around you that the relationship is healthy and genuine, which is also the best way to behave in a relationship anyway. Hopefully these people will come around but if they don’t, then it may be harsh to say but it is their problem not yours, so just concentrate on making your relationship as fulfilling as possible whilst ignoring any external negativity as best you can.
I hope it works out and thanks for writing, 🙂
Thank you for your reply..i just want to hear your advice, in a certain cases of a relationship just like for what example to my girlfriend it is engage although with her past boyfriend, but she runaway bride because of choosing me..what i am to clarify it is correct it’s not a right time to show out relationship? i think 3 months ago suppose to be the wedding..it is enough 3 months to show out relation with his family and friends? because my girlfriend they scared to show it because of her past boyfriend..just a little advice i want to know..
No worries, I’m happy to help! 🙂
If I understand the situation correctly, then it does seem like a lot of people will be ‘fragile’ about the situation, especially the ex-boyfriend you are referring to.
It is impossible to say whether three months is enough time for the emotions to have settled as a general rule. It is something you will have to gauge yourself depending on how the boyfriend, friends and family are acting towards each other. I wouldn’t recommend actively hiding your relationship from anyone but at the same time you may have to be considerate to these other people’s feelings (even if you may not respect their actions) and not rub your relationship in anyone’s face whilst they get used to the idea of you two dating.
Hope that clears things up a bit better, 🙂
I’m just stopping by to let you know that your advice and steps have worked for my relationship with my girlfriend. We’re both 19 and we’ve been together for 1 year, 6 months, and 15 days. Recently she told me that part of her wants to have the freedom of being single. Which obviosly hurt alot. But she also told me that the other part of her loves me and everything we do together. She was really taken off guard when I suggested that we try new things. Now there’s no arguements or anything related to what she’s said that time that I just told you about. Thank you so much.
Thanks a lot; I’m glad you’ve found some of the advice useful! 🙂
That’s good going with your relationship… All relationships that continue to grow beyond a year always have something special.
It’s actually a common feeling for women to have niggling doubts at certain points in a relationship (the two year mark is a common one), especially if they haven’t had a great deal of relationship experience previously. However, if you continue to make the relationship fulfilling and happy then she will always want to be in the relationship, which is what it seems you are doing so that’s great! 🙂
All the best and thanks for writing,
hey mhm im not tht sure if this will work believe me ive tried this so many times…..
I’m afraid you’ll have to be more specific with which parts you mean for me to understand exactly where you are coming from. The ten points in the article are basic guidelines that will definitely work towards making a relationship more fulfilling. Obviously a lot of the effect is in HOW they are carried out and there are obviously other factors too. The ten points will definitely go some way to having a fulfilling relationship if conducted correctly though.
Thanks for stopping by, 🙂
Thanks for putting these basic guidelines for being, in my opinion, not just a great boy/girlfriend, but a great person as well, out there for the rest of us! Majority of these points are things that I have been trying to practice in my daily interactions with folks for years now. I have found that by my constant strife to become a better person and to keep a positive attitude (regardless of how rotten things may get) does rub off on the people in my life (be it my boyfriend, sister, or someone in line in front of me at the store) and in turn, helps them to be better people as well.
You’ve hit the nail on the head there, great analysis! As you’ve noticed, all ten of the points are personal improvements that will improve relationships and interactions with everyone that we meet. It shouldn’t just be our other halves that we’re trying to present ourselves as best we can with. You summed that all up perfectly, thanks a lot for commenting! 🙂
i really like your points …. thanks for being the part of helping fools like me by such guidence 🙂
love thanx alot
Thanks for your comments; I appreciate your support and I’m glad you enjoy what I write. 🙂
What should I do if the man I love is with my best friend?
That’s a tricky situation and one that is unlikely to have an idealistic outcome. You are either going to lose your best friend, or have to accept that you can’t be with this man. There are specific ways that you can achieve both of these outcomes but thinking of the bigger picture and making that decision first is the priority.
Start by reasoning exactly why you feel you love this man. Do you spend time alone with him or is it in the context of him dating your best friend that you see him? Men that are visibly unobtainable whilst being theoretically obtainable often create attraction this way by default. You will have to be more specific about the situation and how close you all are if you want specific advice but the simple answer comes down to the decision mentioned above.
Thanks for stopping by and feel free to ask if you want more specific advice concerning your situation.
Suzy, is it your boyfriend who is with your best friend? Or is it your best friend’s boyfriend?
I have been attracted to various men, probably chemically, and chosen to ignore the link I felt for them (during my continuing marriage). It’s called “propinquity” – which means that we are around them enough to think they are neat guys. They talk to us, we talk to them and have something in common. At that point we have to use our heads and recognize the attraction and perhaps not talk to them as much, and be sure we are not sending sexual signals with our body language or words. This would apply to the one who wants to be the friend.
Either way, Sam is right – it’s a tricky situation. A good friend or a good partner needs to be trustworthy. I’ve had both good friends and a good partner that continue over many years. Can you see both of those people as part of your life in the long run? Act accordingly.
none of that will help you if you aren’t selfless. being /with/ someone is like sharing life. you can’t be selfish.
the best way to realize if you are showing someone love is to, when you are angry with them, decide that their feelings are more important than yours and to then act on that concept. you know why? it’s a selfless act.
You’re right that being selfless is important and that is what the final point “be loving” is meant to encompass.
Of course there is the common, philanthropic argument that there is technically no such thing as a ‘selfless act’ and that everything is either done to aid us in some way or to make us feel good about ourselves, or in this case our relationships!
I think the best word to describe the concept is to be empathetic. This is a concept I have started heavily incorporating into my social coaching and is extremely important in long-term relationships.
Empathy is the key behind social intelligence, which is the grounding behind all healthy relationships: understanding and relating to changes in emotions and communication. Showing empathy comes across as exceedingly selfless in itself.
I’m currently preparing an article series on this very topic so I hope you will stick around to read it when it is published as I know you’ll have some great input. 🙂
Thanks for commenting here,
well i would really like your advice.
my girlfriend is always telling me all i care about is myself.
my girlfriend has screwed me over a few times but now she has made me believe she has changed and loves me but i dont know if i should believe her on other things. im afriad she will tak advantage of me. what do you think i should do?
Hi Eric, thanks for writing!
The first thing you want to observe is tangible changes in your girlfriend’s behaviour that will prove she is being sincere rather than just taking her word for it. Her verbalising her intentions is a positive start though.
Secondly, depending on how and when she states “all you care about is yourself”, she is communicating in some way that her relationship needs are not being completely met. Are there times when you perhaps don’t show her enough attention or appreciation? Relationships are a two-way street and so by making sure her relationship needs and desires are being met, she will be more inclined to fulfil yours.
To prevent ever feeling you can be taken advantage of, you want to be assertive with the boundaries in your relationship. The article I have just written titled ‘Trust in a relationship’ may be worth reading to answer some of those questions, as without further details it is hard to get to the root of the problem.
So i have a problem. I want to no if this guy i like really likes me as much as i like him. Were not officially going out yet because he recently broke up with his girlfriend and she already gives me mean looks as it is. I always imagine the perfect guy like showing his emotions in front of his friends and he can kiss me in front of people. But like when he says goodbye when we text, i always say i love you first and then he says it. And i kinda feel creeperish when i do it first. I dont no what to do, like how to figure out if he reall does like me. We have never kissed and I would really like to. Hes amazing, hot, and funny.
This is a situation that loads of women find themselves in. Guys, for the most past, aren’t the best at letting their intentions and interest be known to women, and if they do, it’s sometimes hard to gauge the sincerity or direction of that interest.
What I think would be the best way to at least set the right mood for finding out each other’s intentions is getting together, just the two of you. You don’t have to imply it is a ‘date’ or anything, although it may well be assumed and that’s actually a good thing. This doesn’t have to be anything particularly imaginative or elaborate; just the two of you hanging out.
When you’re alone together, having fun, don’t be afraid to take some of the initiative yourself… most guys love this! Here’s a simple little exchange you could try in private to gauge what his interest levels are: casually tell him three things you like about him and then afterwards say it’s his turn. It sounds simple but if delivered at the right time, it won’t come across as too serious, whilst still giving you some idea what he thinks of you if he responds properly.
Obviously every guy is different but saying “I love you” is quite a deep and meaningful thing to say. He may well like you a lot but I wouldn’t put too much pressure on him to show his emotions at this stage, especially if he has only recently come out of his last relationship.
Take care, 🙂
Hey Sam. You make some good points on your list and I am going to try to follow them as best I can. In a way, some of the things you say to do, are things that she says I should do but I never really understood until now. I hope she realizes when I start trying harder because I love her so much and couldn’t imagine not having her. Thank you for the inspiration!!!
I’m glad you like the list and that you’re keen to apply the ten points to your own relationship. 🙂
Women (and anyone else close to us) will constantly communicate if their needs and desires are being met through a variety of reactions and sub-communications, or more blatantly through verbal complaints. Learning to pick up on and utilise these cues makes it easy to know which of the above ten points will enrich your relationship the most at any one time.
It sounds like you’re on the right path and I’m sure your lady will notice and appreciate the changes and effort you make, along with how much affection you clearly have for her.
Thanks for commenting,
I’ve been looking around a bit just researching what I should do for my particularsituation. Recently I have been taking to an extremely charismatic, beautiful, friendly girl that I really like. I know she likes me as well and I would love to ask her out on a date. However, with talking to her I seem to have found a slight “catch”. She is about 6 years older than I am. I’m currently just about to finish high school, and in conversation she’s mentioned that she didn’t think age mattered, yet also tossed in how she thought it might be weird since I’m highschool. I’m kinda confused as what to do, and it basically drives me nuts.
She respects all my values, morals, and beliefs and just gives me that feeling inside when I think of her. I’m just looking for some helpful advice as to what I should do.
Thanks so much,
I have experience of dating women of a variety of age gaps and whether it is an issue or not comes down wholly to mindset. It is one of those things where it will only be a problem if you make it a problem!
One way I found to diffuse the issue is to make it as light-hearted and trivial as possible, perhaps even joking about it when it comes up. When the topic of age comes up, saying something like “I hope you can keep up with me” in a playful way is an example of a flirty way to reaffirm that the age gap isn’t an issue. If you focus on the other aspects of attraction and dating, age really shouldn’t be issue.
This woman might be concerned about what others will think about the age gap but that comes down to a similar mindset. If you are both acting on a similar level then any external judgement can easily be ignored or trivialised.
Ok, this all sounds pretty amazing, but I did all of those things and after FOUR years my relationship ended anyway. The words my girlfriend actually used were “You’re too nice for me”. Damn.. I gotta tell you, our relationship wasn’t perfect and we did have some rocky times, but all in all, we had a good going; however for someone to tell you that is pretty disheartening.
Worse of all, it’s kind of shattered my confidence completely. I’m generally a pretty outgoing guy, and don’t lack attention from women, but to be honest, after four months of the break-up I’m still pretty stumped. I’ve actually cancelled a couple of dates, with very nice girls who have shown a lot of attention towards me (and actually asked me out in the first place), as I just don’t have the heart for it really, and besides, my most valuable trait “niceness” seems to have not been enough in my past relationship. what to do, what to do? I want to start dating again, but feel ok about it.
Four years is a long time in a relationship, so it is inevitable to have a whole host of conflicting feelings towards relationships and dating as a result of it ending. The time it takes to rekindle enthusiasm towards dating varies between people but keeping busy and doing other things unrelated to women in order to regain that confidence will help.
Obviously being nice is a great all-encompassing quality to possess. However, niceness at times can be the antithesis of attraction and however long a relationship is, you always want there to be a healthy level of attraction.
If your girlfriend described you as being “too nice”, then it suggests that she was no longer getting the spike of emotions that she desired. The distinction between these two contrasting attitudes is even more prolific during the initial stages of dating and is also the reason why attractive women seem to go for ‘bad boys’ or ‘jerks’.
An article I wrote that discusses this topic in some depth is called ‘Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance’ and might be of interest to you.
Doing what you can to move on mentally is what is going to help feeling ok about dating once more. One suggestion is to go out with the keen women that you are meeting but not treat it as a “date”. If you treat it more as hanging out with a new friend, the transition will probably happen a lot more naturally.
Thanks for reading the website,
Thanks for the feedback. Apologies if the opening line to my message seemed rather critical of your advise; it really didn’t mean to come out that way. I think your advise is pretty good and I’m sure really valuable to a lot of people out there.
I think I was slightly frustated when i decided to comment. But having read you reply, I think I have to agree with you. At some point in the relationship, I failed to maintain the correct balance between niceness and attraction. Having said that, it’s brought to light a lot of memories which might have lead to that being the case, and somehow I’ve realised that it wasn’t necessarily (in its entirety) just my fault.
Thanks again for your feedback and keep it up! I think the work you’re doing is pretty important!
Thanks for the praise and there’s no need to apologise; I didn’t interpret your original comment as critical at all. 🙂
That’s great that you’ve become clearer about your past relationship and what to learn from it. These sorts of things are rarely, if ever, just one persons fault. Relationships are all about communicating and learning how to fulfil your partner’s desires, which should be a mutual and ongoing process. The specifics differ greatly between women, so remember to treat each new relationship as it is and not let any past relationships affect it.
All the best,
I’ve been with a girl I love for a little over two years now and we have some trust issues. We have both done things that have broken trust and I truly feel like I at least have learned. I think she might feel like I deserved it in some way, which I may have for committing the act first, which on both our ends were somewhat accidental; overintoxication and not realizing what we were really doing.. but I regret even putting myself in that position incredibly and I would do anything in the world to take it back. I don’t think she would have done it either if I hadn’t. However, the damage is done and the trust bond was broken, but we’ve explained ourselves and got back together after each time. I just don’t know how to fully regain the trust again. Please help? Everything else in your article I’m surely going to incorporate into my lifestyle.
If trust has been broken in the past, then although it might sound cliché, time and sincerity are the only things that are going to regain that trust. As long as you have mutually agreed to put it behind you (and that means never bringing it up during arguments) then you can slowly show her that you have changed, through actions rather than words. This includes being true to your word from now on and basically being as good a boyfriend as you can be.
There are several other articles on the topic of trust with lots more information if you have a browse around the website. The most important thing though is to ensure that you both have sincerely put the past discrepancies behind you and that you are both intent on regaining each other’s trust. Over time that trust will be restored I’m sure.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Ok…. So this list is great and all, but…. Isn’t there meant to be all of this in between the lines of this magical book that’s called “be yourself around others” cause i think there should!!!!!!!
and if you say “someone said the exact same thing in a previous comment” or something around those lines, I AINT INTERESTED IN WHAT OTHERS MIGHT HAVTA SAY ATM!!! GOT IT!?!?!
Thankyou and be warned… im worse then this. This is my “I’m annoyed but drinking Vanilla Coke” speech….. So HEADS UP GUENIUSES
I’m not sure exactly what you are getting at but I agree that being yourself is ideal. The thing to ensure though is that it is the ‘best’ version of yourself that you are conveying and that is especially true if you want to be a great girlfriend or boyfriend.
Also, please send me a batch of Vanilla Coke… It was discontinued here in England several years ago and I remember it being delicious! 🙂
First off I love my gf with all my heart and I do everything I can for her from a random suprise rose left at her car at work, to a romantic caNdle lit dinner, writing her letters, even giving her money and my car. Some days I.feel dissatisfied. I’ll go.a week without seeing her and look foreword to nothing but her and holding her and maybe some sexual also. I’ll attempt to touch her gently and kiss her neck and start out sweet, showing that I want some time alone with her, and move my hand down lower, and she rejects me and tells me I only want sex. Now I might see her 6-8 times a month because of our work schedules. Some nights I get nowhere near to even attempting to have sex with her, but is wanting to make love with the woman you love maybe 3-5 times a month too much? Ive given her a car, the ring is on order, I paint her roses her favorite color, I cook her both dinner and breskfast and always get her cigs or coffee in the morning or whatever she needs. Her last companion beat her and locked.her up. Ive never once raised my voice to her but I do stand my ground to let her know how I feel. But why do I feel like the one doing so much? I dont feel like there is anything I should change about how I do things. Thanks- derek
Those romantic gestures sound awesome and any devoted women would love and appreciate any man who does stuff like that. The key though is moderation and sincerity. Certain aspects of your relationship do sound one-sided. This goes for the romantic gestures, how much you ‘provide’ for each other and also your sex life.
If your girlfriend has had bad experiences in the past (you mention her last partner abused her) then you do want to be careful and really pay attention to how she reacts to certain things, especially regarding sex and intimacy.
If a woman thinks that all you want is sex then something is going wrong in the way you are conveying your interest. A relationship should not be an exchange of gifts in return for sex. I know that is not your intention but if your girlfriend is interpreting it like that then her behaviour is understandable.
Carry on giving gifts when you want to and solely because you want to. Sex should be a result of mutual attraction, respect and dominance but it should never be assumed. The spontaneity and smooth physical escalation seems to be what your girlfriend misses. If you try and make it all about her pleasure the next time you initiate sex yet still be leading the physical escalation, then her reaction should be more positive.
Thanks for reading the website,
im struggling at the moment with number 1, its like since i lost my feet ive been trying to get back on it ever since and its so mad hard with the complications this life has given me. ive been with my girl in and out of a relationship for a year and half and i love her to bits, would do anything for her but she still seems confused whether she loves me or whether shes really botherd with anything, i think its maybe because shes becoming to complacent, ive tried to leave but i just cant get it over my head, i really want us to work out and stuff but its just so hard at the moment, sometimes she says she just wants to be friends but i cant do that and well i feel like shes only staying with me because im like her best friend whos always there for her. now im not going to lie sometimes i do make faults, not big faults but faults that may make her think why is she with me, i know she still likes her ex aswell who treated her bad and is locked in jail at the moment but still its like getting past her gaurd is so hard and its been like a year and a half, its like we should both switch places, we rarely have sex or really do anything, its like where old couples, i just need advice to make her want to be with me or maybe like spice up our relationship please.
From what you have written, it sounds like number one on the above list is definitely the first thing to focus on.
You want to create an attractive lifestyle that your lady wants to be a part of and that draws her in. An added benefit of working on your lifestyle like this is that you won’t be so preoccupied with what she is thinking and how to win her over as everything should fall into place naturally.
What exactly constitutes an attractive lifestyle will differ slightly for everyone but the three main areas to work on are health (both mental and physical), wealth (not necessarily financial but more referring to confidence and gratitude) and relationships (social life and heightening your attractive side).
There are loads of ways to work on each of those categories and along with keeping the other points from the article in mind, they should help completely refresh your relationship and how your girlfriend perceives the two of you.
Okay, I am def gonna continue to strive for the best in my relationship with jake, I know tho that I have a problem that causes mine and jakes relationship to be rocky. I try to be the best boyfirend ever. I just moved in with in we’ve only been together 5 months tho. Moving to this new city I find myself depressed sometimes and jeolous in away because I dnt have any friwnds here. When jake gets text messahes I always. Ask out of habit who it is. I know he gets frustrated with me and I dnt really mean asking him in a bad way. Idk I just freel sincd I’ve got no friends here tht some reason he gets frustrated with me when I ask him tthis. And I get jeolous of him talkin to his friends but I have no reason to. Can u give me advice on how to be a better bf and how to appreciate the time I have with him and not nag all the time about pwople he text… thank u so much!!!!! Jordan
Although your boyfriend is important in the process, a lot of the issues you describe can be resolved via personal development, rather than changing specific things in your relationship. The first two points in the above article are the most relevant in this respect.
Something such as inquiring about whom your boyfriend is texting can easily come across as suspicious or needy… but it can equally come across as genuine interest. You obviously want to convey the latter, which is dependent on subtle differences in your tonality and body-language.
Gaining some confidence across the areas you mention will naturally help you to project the ideal mindset. I know making friends in a new city can seem daunting but if you are proactive about it, it doesn’t have to be such a slow process. Joining clubs and attending events of interest is an easy way to get the ball rolling in that department.
One way to combine the two is to start taking an active interest in your boyfriend’s social circles and befriend some of his peers. This should obviously be done without any signs of neediness as mentioned.
If you know something is potentially harmful to your relationship, then the way to be a great boyfriend is to do whatever it takes to prevent doing that thing, whilst simultaneously taking steps to alleviate the causes of the inciting feelings.
All the best and thanks for writing,
Heya, this is really good and has given me alot to improve myself on. Im currently on a break with my girlfriend of almost two years, and as i read through the previous comments, i noticed some people saying that their girlfriend desires the freedom of being single, but still is in love with them. This is the case in my relationship and i hope that it all sorts itself out. If it does, i will make sure to visit this page often to keep a check on if i am following it correctly.
Another one you could add would be:
Trust. Always trust your partner. It is easy enough to say you do, but the question is, if someone was to say that your partner had done something. Would you allow that thought into your mind?
Thank you for your time Sam
The situation you describe is a fairly common one. It is usually a culmination of several different factors that results in a woman feeling slightly “trapped” in a relationship.
The best thing to do in such a situation is to carry on working on being attractive and loving but not being quite as intense or available as before. The foundations of the relationship are clearly still there so it simply a case of changing some of the overlying dynamics to get it back on track. The ten points above will definitely help with that.
Trust is arguably the most important aspect of any relationship, so it is a great point to mention.
The thing about trust in the context of this article is that it is more of an outcome than a process. What I mean by that is that trust comes from working on other aspects of personal development such as self-esteem, rationality and influence. It is not something that someone can decide to incorporate into their relationship without working on those other aspects.
Whilst it may seem like there are many different levels of trust, ultimately it is a binary attribute… you either trust someone or you do not! The funny thing is that the most important person to learn to trust is yourself. Once you reach that point, someone questioning your partner’s trustworthiness is merely “food for thought” rather than instantaneous fact or fiction. You can let those thoughts enter your mind but you don’t have to let them affect your mind! 🙂
Thanks a lot for reading and commenting,
It is really great spending time people of great thinking like you. Thank you for this…
You’re welcome. Thank you for your kind words. 🙂
Im a 23 year old man and just asked a girl i really lke to be my girlfriend and she said yes. The next night I was over her house and her family was in bed and she wanted to have sex. The problem i had was that i coudlnt keep it up no matter how hard i tried. I was nervous worrying if someone was going to come in. Is this normal? because this is really embarrassing for me, and now im worried if i try to have sex with her again it will happen again.
That’s great to hear about your new girlfriend.
It is perfectly normal to get nervous in the situation you described, especially if it was your first time together. The thing about any form of performance anxiety is that the more thought you give it, the worse it will become!
The best thing is to not treat it as a problem at all; it is not uncommon and there are loads of other foreplay techniques that you can do at the time.
Your girlfriend obviously likes you, so if the situation arises again, do whatever you can to think of it as a temporary inconvenience rather than an issue. You can make light of the situation or ask for her “assistance” if you want but both should be done in a calm and confident manner. The most important thing is for you to not put pressure on yourself, or worry about it either before or during sex.
If being in her family’s house is truly part of the issue, and is not something that can be turned into a risqué turn-on, then simply find somewhere else to have sex for now.
Take it easy,
Thanks Sam I will try and take this into consideration. What upset me was that she thought i was turned off by her and thats why i couldnt perform. But the next day she said she appreciated that i didnt have sex with her because it shows i have respect for her and her family. Then the other day she says she feels there is a disconnect since that one night i coudlnt get it up. So she said she was afraid to try again because what if i cant get it up. I dont want that pressure on me because it makes me feel awful. So i told her so what do you want? Do u want to break up she said no she doesnt want to break up with me at all and that she cares for me its just that she never experienced this before. What should i do? Its stressin me out big time. Do i need to get a viagra pill or something so i know for sure ill be fine?
What I should have emphasised in my last response when I mentioned it not being an issue, is that it is no one’s fault: neither yours nor your girlfriends!
Reassure her about how sexy you find her and how much she turns on, both during sex and at other times.
Try not to make it a bigger issue than it is. Like I said, the more focus you put on it being a problem, the worse it will be.
There doesn’t have to be a grand schedule for when and where you have sex. Start physically escalating at a time where you feel comfortable, relaxed and turned on. Being in the right state of mind is what will help you the most.
As a rule of thumb, it is never good to allude to or prompt negative actions in a relationship such as breaking up. Reiterate that there is no problem and that you are attracted to her; change the topic if it ever starts becoming too negative.
I don’t have any personal experience with Viagra or anything similar but from my understanding, it should not be necessary if you are able to get normal erections at other times. Viagra is predominantly for people with clinical erectile dysfunction and should not be used recreationally.
This is definitely something that can be overcome with a change in mental attitude and a bit more patience next time.
All the best,
I agree with most of these but check out this blog about the 7 qualities of an ideal partner, I feel these qualities are what really make up the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend! http://www.psychalive.org/2009/11/seven-qualities-of-an-ideal-partner/
That is a great addition to the above list. Although there is a lot of crossover between the two lists, the one you have linked to focuses more on attributes that are learnt through relationship experience (maturity, empathy, sensitivity etc).
The above list of mine is comprised more of attributes that can for the most part be learnt outside of a relationship. They are traits that will help someone become their best self, which in turn will help them to become the best boyfriend or girlfriend possible.
Both angles are equally valuable so thanks for sharing,
Thank you so much for this site…I am really in big trouble with my personal relationship with the man i thought will become my partner in my life sooooo,in the second thought i need a space.
I’m glad you like the website. I’m not sure if you are seeking specific advice with your comment but hopefully you’ve found useful information throughout the website. I hope you stick around as I have lots more in store. 🙂