Men and women have VERY different perspectives on sleeping with someone for the first time and although everyone has their own personal thoughts and concerns about how and when to sleep with someone new, there are many generalisations that are useful to understand.

This article will explain how men and women differ emotionally when deciding to sleep with someone for the first time, whilst giving some general thoughts on how to use these differing feelings to have a smoother progression in your relationships…

Common sex anxieties for men:

In my experience, the main concerns for men when sleeping with someone new are either performance related or timing related: ‘how to’ or ‘when to’!

Everyone has a different level of experience when it comes to sex and it is very likely that the woman you are with will have some slight apprehensions too, so it really is nothing to worry about.

The best resource I have found for some basic sex tips is a book called ‘The Guide to Getting It On’ by Paul Joannides. This book doesn’t cover any advanced sexual techniques but it does a good job at detailing all the basics thoroughly and whatever your experience is, I’m sure you’ll find some useful tips in there.

As well as everyone having a different level of experience regarding sex, everyone has their own unique set of sexual preferences and these won’t be discovered until an intimate relationship has developed. As such, it is best to keep things simple at first so you can get used to each other’s bodies. Even if you do possess the knowledge to give mind-blowing orgasms, you’re unlikely to be able to do this the first time with someone new, so try to keep things simple at first.

Trust and rapport before sex:

Aside from a small proportion of women who have particularly relaxed attitudes towards sex and commitment, most women require a certain amount of trust and rapport with a man before they are comfortable sleeping with him.

Whilst there are ways to create deep rapport with a woman extremely quickly and convince her without doubt that you will stick around and not just use her for sexual gratification, those are the sorts of methods than can lead to men seemingly ‘using’ women. Respecting a woman’s personal disposition towards sex and waiting for her to be both physically and emotionally ready is a far more compassionate method and one that will alleviate any conflicting emotions in the future.

On the other hand, if you have met a woman that you are interested in potentially pursuing a relationship with, getting the relationship sexual as soon as possible is the best way to achieve that, so it’s all about finding a balance.

Common sex anxieties for women:

There are two main reasons why sex with a new person may seem like more of a big deal for women than it is for men and those reasons are ‘social conformity’ and ‘natural instinct to pair-bond’. Obviously there will be women who buck this trend but if you are a man then you have probably come across these behaviours at some point, and if you are a woman then you can probably relate to some of these observations…

Social conformity:

What does modern society refer to a man who is sexually promiscuous as? A stud: an identity with fairly positive connotations.

What does modern society refer to a woman who is sexually promiscuous as? A slut: an identity with exceedingly negative connotations.

Women are constantly sent messages from both modern society and their peer groups never to appear sexually promiscuous or ‘easy’. What this can develop is a woman who will resist desires to sleep with men where a relationship isn’t a realistic possibility, even if she physically wants to.

Clichéd female dating advice states things such as “wait three dates until you sleep with a guy” or to put it another way, be defiant in not giving yourself to a man ‘too soon’. Whilst this may seem like a woman’s way of retaining power in the early stages of courtship, it actually has some underlying benefits.

On an evolutionary level, a woman’s objective is to find a man to pair-bond and raise offspring with. Although modern society is vastly different to this antiquated cycle and there are now numerous options for contraception readily available voiding any risk of pregnancy, some of these instinctual feelings are still present.

This is one reason why a woman will want to make sure that she is sleeping with someone with whom she can both trust and keep hold of. Sleeping with the ‘wrong person’ can be more detrimental than not sleeping with anyone at all, which backs up the advice that you should get to really know and trust someone if you are looking for anything more than simply sexual gratification.

A woman also knows, be it consciously or subconsciously, that there is a distinct power-shift in the relationship after sleeping together for the first time and it opens her up to a certain degree of vulnerability for a short while afterwards. This is a fair enough realisation as long as a woman is not using sex as any kind manipulative tool to control a man.

Your experiences:

I’d love to hear if you agree with these theories and also if you are willing to share any personal experiences in the comments section below. Have you ever felt that you slept with someone ‘too soon’? How do you feel when you sleep with someone for the first time and why do you think that is?

Much love,

Sam

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This article will give a brief background as to what Kegel exercises are before describing how they can improve sexual performance and then most importantly, detailing how to do the exercises for yourself…

What are Kegel exercises?

Kegel exercises were developed by an American gynaecologist called Dr. Arthur Kegel in the mid twentieth century. They are a method of strengthening the Pubococcygeus muscles (commonly referred to as the PC muscles) that are situated on the pelvic floor just below both the female and male genitalia. They were originally developed to aid pregnant women in having more physical control immediately before, during and after pregnancy but in recent years their effect on sexual fulfilment has also been keenly researched.

How can Kegel exercises improve sexual performance?

The PC muscles are very similar between men and women as well as being located in almost identical locations, which makes the skill to have complete control over them a mutual one between lovers. Both men and women can equally benefit from doing these exercises.

On a basic level, orgasms are a rapid contraction of certain muscles in the body, including the PC muscles, so having high dexterity in that area will allow you to control both intensity and duration of orgasms.

There have been a number of studies since the early 1990s into how control of the PC muscles affects a woman’s ability to reach a full range of orgasm, with extremely positive findings. Second to this, I haven’t heard of one woman who is able to have full-bodied vaginal orgasms without having this proficient control over her PC muscles. Doing these exercises, it won’t be long before you notice a difference in how intense your orgasms can be as well as how dynamic your sex life is in general.

For men, strengthening and understanding your PC muscles will allow you to have complete control over ejaculation. I highly recommend Kegel exercises for any men who have trouble with premature ejaculation, or would simply like to be more in control of how and when they ejaculate whilst having sexual intercourse.

How to do Kegel exercises:

The first thing to do before engaging in the exercises is to locate the exact muscles that you are to be exercising… the Pubococcygeus muscles!

As I stated earlier, the PC muscles are located at the base of your pelvis, between your legs as you stand. The easiest way to feel them contracting for yourself is to imagine you are restricting yourself from urinating, clenching up the muscles in that area. If you ever stop yourself urinating mid-stream, that is partially the PC muscles working. What you want to do is practice isolating that area of muscles during contraction and trying not to use any of the surrounding muscles such as the thighs or lower abdominal muscles.

Once you have isolated the correct muscles, exercising and strengthening them is not vastly different from exercising any other muscle group. What you want to do is practice contracting the muscles, holding the contraction for a few seconds and then releasing, all whilst in a seated position. You can do this as often and for as long as feels comfortable but a rough guide is to do them for five minutes, twice a day at first. The beauty of these exercises is that they can be performed discretely whilst doing other activities, such as sitting at a computer.

Although engaging in Kegel exercises may feel mildly bizarre or seem unnecessary at first, these are the sorts of things that make the difference between being a good lover… and being a MASTERFUL lover!

Please feel free to ask any questions…

Much love,

Sam

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Phone sex is most pragmatic for long-distance relationships or other instances where you and your partner will be apart for some amount of time; basically, any time there will be an unavoidable absence of physical intimacy between you and your partner. Phone sex can also be used without these constraints though, simply as an extra way to spice up and vary a sexual relationship.

Engaging in phone sex with your partner may seem strange or mildly uncomfortable at first but this article will explain why it is a great activity for both you and your partner. I will also reveal some practical guidelines on how to make it as enjoyable for both of you as possible…

Why phone sex is great in a relationship:

Relationships take a lot of work to keep fresh and exciting and far too often couples find themselves shifting into a monotonous routine, especially where sex is concerned. Phone sex is not only exciting in itself but it is also a great way to let your imagination run wild and safely introduce ideas and fantasies that may seem inappropriate in person.

Phone sex is especially enjoyable for women! Sexual fulfilment for a woman is very much a mental and emotional thing and so a satisfying phone sex session can reach heights of arousal that are often restricted by physical limitations or physical modus in person.

How to initiate phone sex:

The best time to initiate phone sex, at least for the first few times, is when you know both you and your partner are alone, in a calm and relaxed state and are unlikely to be disturbed or distracted anytime soon.

You should know the sexual dynamic of your relationship prior to initiating phone sex for the first time. Phone sex unequivocally encompasses the dynamic of there being a more dominant and a more submissive role played by each person in the relationship. It will usually be the role of the more dominant person in the relationship (often the male) to initiate and lead the sexual talk, so if you are in the more dominant role whilst on the phone, don’t expect your partner to take control at any point, especially the first few times you try it.

The best way to introduce the sexual talk is with romantic and comforting phrases at first, such as “I wish I was there with you right now”. For maximum enjoyment it is imperative that you do not prearrange having phone sex with your partner or tell them what you are about to do. This will severely dilute the spontaneity and imagination of the whole scenario as well as create an anticlimax. Instead, simply transition into romantic and sexual talk smoothly when you feel the time is right.

How to lead phone sex:

Treat phone sex in much the same way as you would a long and romantic sexual encounter in person. Fantasies and role-plays can come further down the line but at first you want to make sure your partner is comfortable as you slowly increase the sexual talk.

As phone sex is all created in the mind, you want to focus on very detailed and descriptive language, explaining every minute aspect of what you are doing. This involves describing every small action, smell and touch as you slowly escalate your sexual talk.

You basically want to be setting a scene as vividly as possible so your partner can perfectly visualise being there in the moment with you. You want to describe exactly how, where and when you will touch them with slow and elaborate imagery.

Listen carefully for audible feedback from your partner as it will be quite clear if they are enjoying the process or not. You can also ask for feedback along the way, as long as it is kept within the context of the scene.

Even if your partner is clearly enjoying what you are saying, try not to jump ahead of yourself or skip parts of the sexual escalation. Stay in control of the scene and keep it descriptive and sensual.

There are so many different variations on phone sex and infinite directions you can take it in, so have fun with it all. I would also recommend keeping it simple and mild at first so that both you and your partner can get used to interacting in this way over the phone.

Immediately after phone sex:

Even more so than after real sex, post-coital bonding is important in keeping the relationship intimate. There is every chance, especially if a woman is new to phone sex, that she may feel slightly cheap or used during the aftermath and that is obviously not the intention. Immediately after phone sex, take the time to talk about how much you enjoyed the experience, how sweet you think your partner is and how close you feel to them.

That wraps up some of my general guidelines on phone sex. Feel free to ask any questions or post your experiences below.

Much love,

Sam

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Is there a sexual fantasy you have that you really want your girlfriend or boyfriend to try but don’t know how to approach it?

Starting a new sexual relationship is one of the most exciting and exhilarating times but it doesn’t take long for sex with the same person to become monotonous. From the people willing to divulge aspects of their sex-lives it seems it is all too common for relationships that have surpassed the one-year mark (especially ones that have gone far beyond that) to have a sex-life that consists of a predetermined routine, devoid of all the passion, excitement and discovery of the initial period.

This article will talk about ways to get your girlfriend or boyfriend more sexually expressive as well as get them more interested in trying new things in the bedroom (or anywhere else you might have sex)…

Sexual Polarity:

Sexual polarity is something that David Deida as well as many other ‘sexperts’ talk about, whereby true sexual fulfilment for a couple requires both a masculine and a feminine counterpart. In more relevant language this means that for ongoing sexual attraction and passion in a relationship, there needs to be one person who is more sexually dominant and one person who plays a more submissive role during sex.

The beauty is that these roles don’t have to be set in stone, they just have to exist. One day it could be the man playing the more dominant role with the female playing a more submissive role. The next day it could be the complete reverse, with the woman playing the more dominant role whilst the man plays a more submissive role.

It surprised me to learn that homosexual relationships also comply with this theory. One of my gay friends at University once decided to indulge our social group with a complete breakdown of the dynamics of a gay sexual relationship. He went on to explain how they also generally have a dominant and a submissive setup, despite the clashing genders.

The time when a sexual relationship becomes monotonous is when this polarity does not exist or is neutral. When this happens you end up with sex that is repetitive and unfulfilling: same night of the week, same positions, same location… Absolutely no spontaneity or evolvement!

So how do you turn things around if you see your relationship heading this way?…

Talk openly to your partner:

A lot of couples, especially early on when the problems this article is addressing start to develop, find talking openly about sexual topics rather taboo or inappropriate, even privately with the person they are intimate with.

My friends and I used to have an interesting conversation piece revolving around how women are often terrible at giving oral sex because they never get bad feedback, mainly because a man would rather receive bad blowjobs than no blowjobs at all. How can you expect your partner to fully satisfy you and be fully sexually expressive if you never tell them what you like and what you dislike!

Learn to talk to your partner about sexual topics without any embarrassment, both during sexual intercourse and during private conversation to find out exactly how you can both improve. Don’t be afraid to ask lots of questions, try variations and ask for feedback to test certain things.

Utilise your imaginations to discover new things:

One of the most underestimated techniques in bringing out a more sexual side in your partner is helping them use their imagination to positively associate themselves as sexual beings. There are several specific techniques for making new sexual experiences seem real and arousing for your partner: ‘phone sex’ or ‘dirty texts’ are two ways that you can achieve this. A smooth and respectful escalation is imperative in doing these things though. For example, don’t start out with anything too explicit and make sure the other person is always enjoying the escalating visualisations.

Slowly introducing new techniques or fantasies in small parts into your sex-life is by far the best way to warm them to new ideas and make everyone comfortable, even if you have spoken about them before.

Educate your partner:

There are so many misinformed notions surrounding certain sexual practices and sex-education in schools (at least over here in England) does little more than cover the basics of procreation and safe-sex, sometimes even estranging any more modern sexual practices.

Porn is another resource that can actually hinder rather than help a couple’s sexual development as it is made to create a fast impact on a visual audience rather than educate anyone.

The best way to turn around your partner’s negative views towards certain sexual practices is to give them a resource from authority that covers every angle, answers questions and lets them know that you are also fully informed and not wanting to experiment for self-gratifying reasons alone.

If you want some specific recommendations of products for a particular sexual practice then e-mail me at sam@sparklife.info and chances are that I have the perfect product to recommend for you.

Never force something on your partner:

Finally, you should never force something on to your partner until they are completely ready and comfortable with being more sexually expressive. The length of time for them to reach that certain level of openness will depend largely on how sheltered their upbringing was regarding sexual topics as well as their own personal experiences with sex.

The worst way by far to try something new is to force, plea or compromise your partner into trying it. If they have verbally agreed but are still not at the correct level of compliance physically, then they will still resist the act, which will severely harm both your enjoyment.

Please let me know what you think of the introduction of more sexual-orientated articles like this to the website, as well as any thoughts and experiences you have on the above topic.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. 10 ways to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend
2. Topics to avoid with your girlfriend or boyfriend
3. The basics of phone sex

I think my first introduction to porn was when my older sister’s male friend sneakily bought me and my mate a ‘naughty magazine’ as a treat when we were fourteen and I am not ashamed to admit that I have viewed a fair amount of the stuff over my youth. This is equally true for a large proportion of males, although not so many females it seems. As a result of studying a wealth of sexual practices and techniques as well as developing my own sexuality, I have come to notice a lot of detrimental factors that come with watching too much porn…

Me next to a giant sign outside a club in Munich

Porn prior to sex:

As porn becomes a lot more accessible to youngsters, the more likely someone is to watch porn prior to having sex for the first time. The point is that porn actually acts as an educational resource for a lot of teenagers these days. What with sex education in schools being limited in practicality and a lot of parents finding sexual topics too taboo to discuss with their kids, porn becomes an interesting and useful introduction to sex for a young teenager. The outcome of this is that these people are not necessarily being taught the best preparation and attitude towards sexual fulfilment.

Porn creates an unrealistic view of sex:

The problem with guys watching too much porn is that it creates an unrealistic view of sex. Nonsense porn storylines aside (like the plumber coming round and having his way with the bored housewife), porn still promotes a distinct lack of connection required for sex. I believe this is the main reason why guys will much more readily sleep with an attractive female stranger than vice versa. As a general rule, females have not been exposed to so much pornography and therefore this is one of the reasons why women require a lot more of a connection with a man before sleeping with him. Have you ever heard a girl defiantly claim she will never sleep with a man on a first date? What she actually means by this is that she won’t sleep with a man who she doesn’t feel sufficiently comfortable with.

Porn focuses on limited senses:

Another problem with porn is that it teaches men to focus purely on their visual and audible senses, as that is obviously all that a pornographic movie can cater for.

Real, meaningful sex (more so in a long-term relationship but is still relevant for things such as one-night stands) is about ALL the senses, most importantly touch and the emotional connection between both parties. I never knew quite how good sex was until I learnt to incorporate everything on a physical and spiritual level into the act.

Porn decreases your sex drive:

A decrease in sex drive is not always the direct result of watching porn but more so the act of masturbating to porn. A lot of guys have trouble with lasting long enough during sexual intercourse because they’ve trained themselves to do so. Most guys who masturbate to porn are more interested in getting their moment of pleasure over and done with as quickly as possible and over time this conditions their bodies to always react that way.

Further on from this, porn actually desensitises viewers to sex, especially when you incorporate more explicit forms of pornography. This in turn will decrease one’s sex drive towards women and actually detract from trying to find a suitable mate (why would they need real sex when they can emulate it at home?)

I’d be very interested to hear people’s opinions on this subject, as it seems to be something that is rarely discussed. I would also be extremely interested in any females willing to give their honest views and experiences regarding pornography, as I would hate to think that this is purely a male issue.

Much love,

Sam

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