Boundaries in the context of a relationship refer to the points at which acceptable behaviour crosses over into unacceptable behaviour. These points can and should be different for every relationship, based on the individuals involved. One thing that does not differ though is a positive correlation between boundaries being respected and how mutually fulfilling a relationship is.

There are different types of boundaries in a relationship; some are a lot more mutually beneficial than others. This article will describe those different types and discuss how to ensure that the boundaries in your relationship are always respected…

Assumption-based boundaries:

When you first start dating someone new, it is natural to fill in any gaps in rapport with assumptions about the other person’s character. As more intimate rapport is created, most of those gaps will get filled appropriately. However, boundaries are a common area where assumptions can supersede ever having a proper discussion and awareness of the subject.

Conveying your boundaries early in a relationship is a bold thing to do and most people are wary of not doing anything that might ruin a relationship before it has properly started. Consequently, a default practice is to assume that a new romantic interest has certain values and boundaries, perhaps similar to one’s own. The less varied relationship experience you have, the more basic these assumptions are likely to be.

If you do make assumptions about what your partner’s boundaries are and vice versa, at the very least you want to make sure that you both want the same commitment level in the relationship (an exclusive, monogamous relationship for example).

Remember that just because something is unacceptable in your eyes, it does not necessarily mean your partner automatically knows this. Likewise, if something is perfectly acceptable from your perspective, it does not necessarily mean your partner will be fine with it.

Fear-based boundaries:

All subconscious boundaries develop from previous experiences, but it is negative past experiences that have the most profound effect on the boundaries we impose. If you have fully trusted someone in the past, only to have that trust abused without any obvious warning, then you are likely to have at least a few fear-based boundaries.

Fear-based boundaries are those stemming from insecurity, jealousy and distrust. Not wanting your girlfriend or boyfriend to be around someone of the opposite sex because of what it could potentially lead to is a common example of a fear-based boundary.

The worst side-effect of fear-based boundaries, other than your partner feeling that you don’t trust them, is that it is easy to come across as controlling. Your partner should never feel that they cannot do something. Everything they choose to do in the relationship should be because of how you both want the relationship to be, not to protect the relationship from how you don’t want it to be!

Insecurities are something that you can turn around with personal effort and awareness but until one of your fears has actually manifested (the irony being that fear-based boundaries are often the cause of boundaries being crossed in the first place), understand that they are irrational and most importantly, a result of how you conduct yourself in the relationship!

Action-based boundaries:

Action-based boundaries are intended to be concise and self-explanatory: certain acts are unacceptable whereas anything else is fine. The problem with boundaries like these is that such actions are rarely instantaneous or without premeditation.

Some common action-based boundaries are:

• Being physically intimate with someone else
• Being emotionally intimate or flirty with someone else
• Showing contempt for the relationship
• Creating or causing arguments

The problem with the above is that they are all outcomes to a process; none of them occur without induction. Even if the above acts are unacceptable in your relationship, they do not signify a boundary being crossed; they signify the OUTCOME of a boundary being crossed!

For example, if your partner cheats on you with someone else, it is not the physical act that is the issue but what led to it, as well as the secrecy and dishonesty surrounding it. The cheating would be a symptom of a boundary being crossed, not the actual boundary itself!

Intention-based boundaries:

Intention-based boundaries differ from the previous types because they are flexible rather than fixed. They are not defined by physical acts but rather by certain attributes: respect, openness, honesty and integrity.

Someone who advocates intention-based boundaries judges each potential issue in a relationship on its own merits, as and when it happens.

The fact of the matter is that until you have actually experienced certain undesirable scenarios in your relationship (an action-based boundary being crossed for example), it is impossible to know exactly how you will react. That is why each instance should be judged on the intent behind it, rather than the act itself.

There is a big difference between boundaries being misunderstood or wrongfully assumed and boundaries being purposefully disregarded. Intention-based boundaries are about trusting that your partner will always act with respect, honesty and integrity towards your relationship. Consequently, the boundaries arrange themselves accordingly, without pressure or stipulation.

There are countless examples where your partner might inadvertently find themselves in an ambiguous or tricky situation and not know exactly how to react. As long as they are always acting with good intentions towards your relationship and what they know to be your values, they will by definition not cross that boundary.

How to ensure that your boundaries are respected:

It should be fairly obvious from the four separate definitions, which type of boundaries consistently lead to the most mutually fulfilling relationships. However, with most things in a relationship, you want to make sure that you and your partner are always on the same wavelength. They can’t respect your boundaries if they have no idea what they are!

Conveying your boundaries is more about an attitude than anything you have to verbally stipulate. As described throughout this article, boundaries do not have to be uncompromising, but your values, self-worth and integrity definitely should be.

A few traits that will help convey the sort of attitude I am describing are:

• Having high standards
• Possessing an abundance mentality
• Being confident
• Having self-respect
• Being non-judgemental

The last trait becomes even more important in long-term relationships because it will make your partner feel that they can tell you anything. They will be able to discuss their feelings and desires long before ever doing something that you would disapprove of.

Having that mutual awareness and understanding is what creates respectful boundaries. It does not mean that your partner should never be forgiven or given a chance to justify any unwanted behaviour. What it does mean is that your boundaries are always backed by reason.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. Trust in a relationship – Trusting your girlfriend or boyfriend

Sometimes a nickname will spontaneously arise. If not, most people default to calling their partners and romantic interests by their actual name, or with something generic and unimaginative such as “babe”.

There is nothing inherently wrong with the above, but by using a generic name you neglect an easy opportunity to create a special connection and set yourself apart from everyone else in that person’s life!

A relationship develops over time, through several specific stages. As such, any nicknames you use will probably go through a similar evolution; the nickname changes and evolves as the relationship progresses.

Below are three stages in the evolution of the perfect nickname or pet name. They show how a nickname should change and evolve to mirror the commitment level and feelings in a relationship…

The teasing nickname:

When you meet someone for the first time and it is obvious that there is attraction between the two of you, you want to do things that set you apart from other suitors.

One of the main components of attraction is creating emotional spikes and there is no better way to do that than by being playful and teasing.

Some examples of a teasing nickname are “brat”, “dork”, “geek” and “goon”.

These examples might seem childish or even mildly offensive but if delivered correctly, they convey that you don’t take yourself too seriously, that you won’t be won over too easily and that you have high standards!

The teasing nickname is one that is slightly ambiguous in its meaning, but not in its delivery, something that is the essence of flirting. You certainly don’t want to make anyone feel insecure, so if you are unsure how the other person might react, use a teasing nickname that is more subdued than the examples I have given.

Attraction is all about spiking emotions and making each other smile. If you use a teasing nickname whilst still making it known that you like the person in question (smiling is one of many universal indicators), you can create a feeling of attraction that is distinguished from anyone else they have recently met.

The affectionate nickname:

Once you have actually started dating someone and mutual attraction is evident, you want to make your interest more obvious. You will naturally be building rapport during this time, as you get to know each other better. Here is where a more affectionate nickname will state your intentions and guide the other person into a more romantic and sexual frame.

Some examples of an affectionate nickname are “sweetie”, “cutie” and “sexy”.

Nicknames like these are still not very personalised but they have romantic and sexual connotations that state your intentions and once again set you apart from others.

As with the teasing nickname, it will be obvious whether the other person likes what you are calling them; it is likely that they will start calling you similar names in return if their feelings are mutual.

The endearing nickname:

When a relationship becomes more sincere and official, coming up with a meaningful and emotive nickname is extremely powerful. This is commonly referred to as a “pet name”; a name shared between two people with strong feelings for each other.

There is not much value in me giving examples here, as this sort of nickname should be unique, relevant to the specific person and most importantly, something only YOU call that person!

The endearing nickname I came up with for Heidi comes from an amalgamation of my favourite feature of hers and a fictional character we both like. I was teaching a dating seminar in Munich when I first started using it, so it quickly became a German translation of that new nickname (ich ist poorly translated version I must admit).

This was a few months into our relationship and I have been calling her it in private ever since; it always makes her smile.

If you don’t already use nicknames in your relationships or dating life then try using some and see how they are received.

Much love,

Sam (or a nickname of your choosing)

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By far the most common answer is to end up with “the one”… that one special person that matches all of their core values and surpasses everything else they look for in a romantic partner.

Whilst this is a lovely ideal in theory, how do you know when you have definitely found the right person? If you journey through relationships sequentially like the majority of people do, how do you know that there isn’t someone better suited to you out there each time?

This article will discuss whether there is indeed one special person for everyone, as well as provide some food for thought on how to know exactly what you are looking for in the world of love…

Does the perfect partner exist?

A surprising number of people believe in fate when it comes to relationships… that the right person will magically appear in their life without much searching. It can happen but more often than not, such a mindset leads to people forcing or settling for subpar relationships, rather than being proactive and enforcing high standards.

The notion of there being one perfect partner or soul mate is misguided… Instead, there are lots of potentially perfect partners out there.

In a sense, if you strip away superficial factors such as physical appearance, every single person that you meet is potentially the perfect partner, until proven otherwise!

Once you have a base level of attraction with someone, building on that is more a case of not doing anything wrong, rather than having to do everything right. As long as you don’t do anything to oppose someone’s personal standards or desires (and remember that attractive traits are universally desirable), you will continue to be a potential romantic interest and have the opportunity to progress towards a relationship.

Your knowledge of exactly what you are looking for in a relationship will change over time. The more people that you meet or date, and the more relationship experience that you accumulate, the more decisive your standards will become.

Does monogamy affect the perfect partner ideal?

Dating someone is very different to actually being in a relationship together. As mentioned above, when you are dating someone, although it is unnecessary to consciously categorise, that person can only potentially be the perfect partner for you. It is only once you have been in a relationship for some time that you can gradually confirm whether they do actually fulfil that role.

To make matters even more complicated, most people are constantly learning and changing.

The literal meaning of “monogamy” is one (mono) marriage (gamos) and in its modern usage, pertains to having one partner and one partner only.

At a conceptual level, monogamy does not exist because you and your partner should be constantly changing, adapting and improving… You are essentially always in a relationship with someone new!

It is the couples that go through the process of personal development at different rates that will start noticing imperfections in their once perfect partner.

The perfect partner:

Whilst nobody is “perfect”, you can definitely be with someone who is perfect for YOU at each moment in time. If that continues to be the same person and you are mutually committed to enriching the relationship then that is great… you are likely to have a long and fulfilling relationship together.

If, on the other hand, your partner is no longer fulfilling your evolving desires, perhaps your image of the perfect partner has changed.

The best relationships are those that are unbounded. I don’t regret any of my past relationships because every single one taught me something new and raised my standards even further. They not only taught me what I was really looking for in my perfect partner… but they also shaped me into becoming the perfect partner myself… the ultimate boyfriend that I always envisaged being. After all, you can only expect to be with the perfect partner if you believe you are the reciprocal perfect partner yourself!

Every relationship should teach you something new about what you really want in your love life. If you aren’t learning anything new then you are either not resolute enough when it comes to high standards… or you’ve found the one…

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. Steps for finding the perfect partner
2. Is your partner perfect for you? Read this and see…

Heidi and I have been living together for quite a while now and although we are still just as happy in our relationship as we have always been, there are several new lessons we have learnt from being in each other’s company all the time.

This article will discuss some of those insights and share some tips about how to adapt your relationship accordingly once you are living together.

Please feel free to share your experiences, thoughts and insights in the comments section once you have finished reading and I will respond as soon as possible…

Little things that might annoy you:

Your partner is not an extension of you and they are likely to have had a very different upbringing to your own. As such, they will inevitably do certain things around the house differently to what you are used to. Prior to living together, these seemingly trivial habits go largely unnoticed or ignored. When living together, you have to accept that every little thing you do affects your partner in one way or another.

Rather than have one of you dictate how certain things should be done around the house, discover a new, joint way to do things, combining the best tricks and traits from your individual lifestyles. Embrace the changes and make sure you are both contributing equally to a happy home, regardless of who pays the bills or who does most of the chores.

Avoid becoming dependent on your partner:

One of the most important things to ensure when living with your girlfriend or boyfriend is that you still have your own lives and you continue to be the person you want to be!

You will be sharing a lot more of your time together but it is still healthy for the relationship if you maintain some of your own passions, core social circles and activities. Not only do these keep the relationship in perspective and make sure you remain attractive and engaging but most importantly, they prevent you becoming needy or dependent on your partner!

Being independent also applies around the house. Make sure you are both contributing equally towards a happy household. This includes sharing chores and being considerate towards each other’s schedules.

You should make an extra effort to ensure that your partner always feels appreciated. For example, if your partner is always cooking dinner, surprise them by taking over the role and letting them relax whenever you can.

Keep the spark:

One of the biggest threats to a relationship when you move in together is monotony and routine.

Some common areas where a routine can easily set in are evening activities, daily conversation and perhaps the biggest one, your sex-life!

One of the primary goals that Heidi and I have is to make living together incredibly enjoyable. We will always try and find fun and productive activities to do together rather than relying on any uninspiring, default activities to fill our time.

Watching television is a common default activity for couples to do when they live together and is one of the biggest killers of excitement and connection in a relationship.

Heidi and I watch TV perhaps once a week (and even then it is something we have specifically chosen to watch) because we find so much other fun stuff to do together instead. It is all about making the effort to get creative, connect with each other and continually enrich the relationship, rather than stagnate it.

Remember the foundations of your relationship:

Another aspect of the relationship that is easy to lose sight of is the attraction and romance side. Never forget the foundations of your relationship! It may sound rather excessive but attracting your partner and fulfilling their emotional and physical desires should be a daily mission.

The little things still count a lot, perhaps even more so now you are in each other’s company so frequently. Romantic gestures and thoughtful gifts are more important now than ever before as they will ensure that your partner never feels taken for granted.

Be grateful and acknowledge what your partner does for you and the household. It may sound like an overkill to be outwardly grateful and complimentary all the time but this sort of behaviour is hard to overdo.

Share chores and show great appreciation for everything your partner does towards a pleasant household. Every time they do the dishes for example, thank them and show your appreciation… better yet, do something nice in return (a massage perhaps).

Learn to make up quickly:

If you want to have a happy and peaceful abode, you must learn to make up quickly, or better yet, prevent arguments and other negative occurrences from happening in the first place. An article that discusses this topic can be found at the following link: ‘How to prevent arguments in a relationship’.

Two of my favourite tips from the above article are…

• Make sure that the first few minutes when you see your partner each day are exceedingly positive. Even if you have had a rough day, making an effort to be enthusiastic, happy and loving during this time sets a positive mood for the rest of your time together.
• Emotions can be changed in an instant and negative emotions can be flipped long before they escalate into full-blown arguments or resentment. Make it a priority to try and positively change your partner’s mood when you sense that they need it, in an attempt to avoid any negativity.

Depending on the setup of your relationship prior to moving in together and how long you have been a couple, you are likely to see a side to your partner that you haven’t seen before. In fact, you will now witness their whole range of emotions and it is down to you to accept and adapt to those changes, whilst continuing to make the relationship as fulfilling as possible.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. 10 ways to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend
2. Topics to avoid with your girlfriend or boyfriend
3. Trust in a relationship – Trusting your girlfriend or boyfriend

Whilst this article focuses on determining how well your partner compliments your deepest relationship desires, it can also be read as a self-evaluation. If you want to be with the perfect partner for you, it goes without saying that you should be the perfect partner in return! It is only once you have both of these factors in place that you have the ingredients for the perfect relationship…

Emotional desires:

Everyone has their own personal beliefs and behaviours, developed via their own unique experiences in life. Part of forming a romantic relationship is not necessarily matching those beliefs and behaviours but adapting them to work together.

As discussed in the article ‘The Happy Relationship Timeline’, there comes a point in every relationship where the euphoric feelings of early attraction start to be integrated with more realistic life plans, as well as a deeper and more serious level of intimacy.

Having someone who fulfils your emotional desires is, on a basic level, being with someone who understands you.

Even typically negative emotional traits such as jealousy or anger are not necessarily bad if you are with a partner who empathises with such behaviour, without compromising their own emotional desires of course.

Gary Chapman in his book ‘The five love languages’ hypothesises that individuals will seek one of five different expressions of love from their partner or spouse. He concludes that by discovering which of the five you and your partner seek, you can cater for those desires accordingly. The five love languages he lists are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

Whilst there is truth that people will naturally appreciate certain expressions of love over others, the overriding point is that most people strive to be with someone that fully understands and supports all of their emotional desires.

Physical desires:

Whilst physical desires (sex, intimacy and physical touch) are only one part of a fulfilling relationship, for many couples it can be the final make or break beyond an emotional connection. An unfulfilling sex life is something that can gradually develop and is one of the primary causes of infidelity.

Physical desires are not just about being with someone who is sexually expressive and selfless, but also having someone who is consistently close and comforting with their intimacy, rather than ever being distant.

When it comes to dealing with couples who are unsatisfied physically, it usually comes down to a lack of communication (never expressing those physical desires) or a lack of effort to become a better lover (accepting a mediocre sex life). A masterful lover should understand their partner’s body better than anybody else and become resolute and proactive in gaining that ability.

Growth desires:

With a bit of proactive dating, it is actually relatively easy to find someone who fulfils both your emotional desires and your physical desires. Finding someone who also has congruent growth desires and actively assists those desires is somewhat trickier.

All marriages or similarly long-term, committed relationships end because one person “changed”, or somewhat contradictory, “didn’t change”. To avoid those feelings, as the relationship progresses, a couple must change together. This includes supporting and encouraging each other’s goals and passions, as well as adapting to the results of any personal development.

With an ever evolving relationship, certain lapses in understanding are inevitably going to occur. Occasional moments of frustration or insecurity will crop up in a dynamic relationship. These moments are fine as long as you and your partner can quickly acknowledge them for what they are and use them as a learning experience.

It is when someone continually imposes the same negative occurrences (jealousy or arguments for example) with no awareness that they start to create distance and contempt with their partner.

It is ok to make mistakes in a relationship but it is how you act afterwards that is important. A fulfilling relationship is a constant process of learning, improving and adapting to each other’s growth desires.

Conclusion:

By definition, a partner that fulfils all of your emotional, physical and growth desires is the perfect partner for you. In my many years of working with couples from all sorts of different backgrounds, I am yet to meet someone who has cheated on their partner whilst sincerely believing that they fulfil those three criteria.

Remember that only the most socially astute person will be able to completely fulfil all three areas without at least some guidance and encouragement from you along the way. This is most certainly a mutual activity and by taking the time and effort to fully discover and understand your partner’s emotional, physical and growth desires, they will much more inclined to reciprocate.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. There is no such thing as the perfect partner… or is there?
2. Steps for finding the perfect partner

One step further is preventing arguments from occurring in the first place! It is an advanced skill for couples to achieve but one that ultimately leads to the most continually positive and fulfilling relationships.

This article will discuss some useful methods for preventing arguments in a relationship before they even get started…

Maintaining love, value and respect:

I’ve stated many times before that the majority of arguments and negativity in a relationship stem from not feeling loved, valued or respected enough.

Hence it sounds elementary that the prevention of arguments is achieved simply by maintaining a mutual and healthy level of love, value and respect. It is indeed that simple on the surface but the process along with its obstacles is slightly more complicated.

The rest of this article will discuss more specific ways to maintain love, value and respect but if you keep those three concepts in mind at all times, you give yourself the best chance of catching yourself before you ever reach argument mode.

A quick tip to maintain love, value and respect:

One of the most important rituals in a relationship is the first time you see each other and each time you say goodbye. Even if you have daily frustrations vented up or you are feeling in a bad mood, if you make a conscious effort to be enthusiastic, positive and loving when you first see your other half, you will avoid the risk of taking your temper out on them or setting a negative mood.

I’ve witnessed this one technique alone have extremely positive effects on a couple’s relationship. If you always greet and leave each other with positive emotions, you will find it far less tempting to argue with each other during the times in between.

Rid your relationship of blame and ego:

If you break down the actual content of any argument, it will usually be fuelled by something that has happened in the past, whether directly or indirectly. Either way, it manifests as a form of blame; blame that derives from a feeling of injustice or a feeling that your partner is inconsiderate or wrong.

This is one of the primary issues to overcome if you are to completely rid your relationship of arguments: the need to feel right!

This links back to the previous section about maintaining a mutual and healthy level of love, value and respect. If you make an effort to prosper across all three areas, you will never feel the need to highlight that your partner is wrong.

Heidi and I by no means agree on everything but we always respect and empathise with each other’s viewpoint. The substance for an argument is merely a different opinion, feeling or emotion to yours and it takes an enlightened mind to realise and empathise with that.

It’s great to be able to let things go in your relationship, even if you are adamant that you are in the right. Having said that, a common trap to fall into is to not actually let the argument go completely and stockpile these moments for a later time. In this case, you aren’t preventing an argument, you are merely postponing it!

Arguing couples can fit into two categories. The first are the ones who constantly seem to be arguing about trivial things and rarely seem to find solace. The second are ones who do the stockpiling technique I mentioned and after going a certain amount of time without any arguments, will let it all out in an eventual crescendo of acrimony.

Letting go of blame and ego influenced arguments means truly and deeply letting go and not merely postponing those feelings.

Anticipate arguments:

One thing that gets easier over time is learning to predict your partner’s mood and calibrate your behaviour accordingly. If your partner has had a long day or you can sense their frustration building up then the onus is on you to actively avoid any negative emotional spikes.

A negative emotional spike is an instance, be it verbal or physical that antagonises or fuels your partner’s temper.

Such spikes of emotion are easy to avoid by being more aware and biting your tongue if you start to feel criticised or attacked. This leads into the next point about changing emotions.

Change their mood, not their mind:

One of the great things about emotions is that they can be changed in an instant. Imagine you are having a terrible day where nothing seems to be going right and everything seems to be infuriating you. Now imagine that your boss calls you unexpectedly and tells you that you are getting a promotion… Instant change of mood!

This same concept can be applied to your relationship. Following on from the earlier point about anticipating arguments, make it a priority to try and positively change your partner’s mood when they most need it. Positive emotions are contagious and easily reciprocated.

Encourage discussions without judgement:

The final point is to understand the distinction between an argument and a discussion. Discussions are great in a relationship as they reflect a deep level of connection and rapport. This is provided that any negative emotions or judgemental attitudes can be kept at bay. After all, an argument is simply a discussion with added negative emotions!

It is ok to disagree in a relationship… It is HOW you disagree that is important. One of the most underrated sayings in a relationship is “let’s agree to disagree”. If you can disagree without coming across as patronising, condescending and most importantly, without implying that anyone is “right” or “wrong”, then those discussions should never escalate into full-blown arguments.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. Dealing with arguments in a relationship
2. Do you have an ego in your relationship?

Some examples of issues that would fall under the prevention category are solving excessive arguments, eliminating any unnecessary jealousy or dealing with frustration towards a romantic partner’s changeable behaviour.

Some common examples that fall under the improvement category are couples looking for more intimacy, understanding or romance in their relationship.

The thing with any of the above is that the people coming to me for relationship advice are not always concise about their particular issue and how it developed. It is so easy to settle into a relationship and become blissfully unaware of the value of continually working on and enriching certain aspects of it, until things start to go downhill that is.

Below is an exercise that will start to highlight any areas of your relationship that might require some extra effort or attention. Even if you currently feel perfectly happy in your relationship, you will be surprised at how easy it is to further enrich it still.

As a result of doing this exercise, you are also likely to reveal exactly how fulfilling your relationship and indeed your partner really is for you…

A 10 minute exercise to improve your relationship:

This exercise is an adaptation of a popular writer’s technique called ‘free writing’. A lot of authors purportedly use free writing to coax ideas and thoughts out of their minds. It is a great tool for dipping into your subconscious thoughts; thoughts that would normally not be given much attention or rationalisation.

The rules:

1) Open up a blank document on your computer (or use a pen and paper if you are faster at handwriting than typing).

2) Set a timer for ten minutes. You can do this exercise beyond the ten minutes if you find that you are on a roll but make sure you continue for at least ten minutes.

3) Title the page “My Relationship”. The topic is anything and everything to do with your relationship. This can include things such as any positives and negatives or perhaps describing how you or your partner have changed over time. Anything related to your thoughts and feelings as well as practical aspects of the relationship should be written about.

It is important that you don’t prepare or think too much about what you are going to write prior to starting.

4) Write for 10 minutes without pausing. Don’t worry about any spelling mistakes, grammatical errors or indeed how it will even read. Leave everything you write as a continuous flow of thoughts and try not to glance back at previous sentences, even if it results in you repeating points.

To do this exercise properly you must write or type as fast as possible, without ever pausing. This may feel like an awkward thing to do but the key is to not give the logical part of your brain time to edit or overanalyse what you are writing.

If you sense you are approaching a blank, just write ANYTHING you can that will lead you into your next sentence, even if it sounds like nonsense. It is vital that you don’t pause to think about what you will write next.

5) Leave it 24 hours before you reread what you have written. You will have far greater epiphanies if you delay reviewing what you have written. This exercise works best if you have completely forgotten what you have written before going back over it.

Another recommended detail to decide beforehand is to not share what you write with anyone else, at least not at first. This refers specifically to sharing what you produce with your partner. If you think that what you write is going to be read by your partner, it will severely affect the honesty and detail that you go into, whether intentionally or not.

Do you have a spare 10 minutes right now?? Then what are you waiting for! The rest of this article will be waiting for you when you return…

What this exercise will achieve:

You may well find that everything you have written is blissfully reassuring and does indeed reflect the perfect relationship for you.

However, if you were brutally honest whilst doing the above exercise, you are likely to reveal at least a few areas in your relationship worthy of improvement or attention.

One thing to notice is if you have written any excuses or justifications for certain aspects of the relationship that are perhaps not as fulfilling as they could be. This is a common technique used in real life to validate the relationships we are in, both romantically and socially. This is especially revealing if any excuses or justifications are directly related to your partner’s behaviour or actions.

What the above exercise will ultimately achieve is a more vivid idea of how fulfilling your relationship currently is and where it may be heading, as well as highlighting any key areas to focus any extra efforts.

I’ll leave any further details for you to discover by doing the exercise yourself. Of course, please come back here afterwards and leave a comment to let us know what you found out…

If you haven’t started already… give it a go now!

Much love,

Sam

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A breakup can occasionally be a completely mutual decision (and they are ultimately the least emotionally damaging for both parties) but more often than not, there is one person a lot more emotional affected by a breakup. That person will usually be the one on the receiving end of the news.

There are two perspectives that this article will focus on. First we shall deal with breakups from the point of view of the recipient: the person in the relationship who does not necessarily want it to end (often referred to colloquially and somewhat abrasively as the “dumpee”). I will then address breakups from the point of view of the instigator (the person initiating the breakup) before finishing with advice suitable for both…

My girlfriend/boyfriend just broke up with me:

Understanding and accepting the situation:

As with overcoming any negative belief, feeling or attitude, the first step is always accepting and understanding the current situation.

Although a breakup may seem ‘out of the blue’, there will always be a reason behind it. If you are unaware of that reason, then it is probably an issue that has been developing slowly for some time. In such a case, think back to any distinct changes in the way the relationship progressed. Did the emotional or physical intimacy slowly become less fulfilling? Perhaps a ‘power struggle’ had developed.

Understanding ‘what went wrong’ is only the first step. Although this section is about accepting such revelations (and if your partner can verbalise their own specific reasons it makes this process easier), it’s not for anyone else to say that the relationship can never work again.

The popular article ‘How to get your ex back’ may be worth reading if you believe the relationship can be reconciled and you are willing to make purposeful changes.

Keeping the relationship in perspective:

Particularly passionate people usually come out of a relationship with one of two very contrasting attitudes. The first is that of longing to be back with their partner, dismissing all the pitfalls in the relationship and not even contemplating finding someone more suitable.

The second is someone who vilifies their partner and harbours a fair amount of resentment for their ex. This second example is common of someone who has been heinously lied to or cheated on.

Both of these mindsets are not only illusory to how the relationship really was, but they are counterproductive to moving on and being happy!

However the relationship ended, cherish the positive memories and use the whole experience as a lesson for future relationships. There is such an abundance of other people out there to meet that if you are not going to be together, you want to transition to happily being single as quickly as possible and use your past relationship experience to craft an even more perfect relationship next time.

I just broke up with my girlfriend/boyfriend:

Being decisive:

If you ever catch yourself considering ending a relationship then there is usually at least some credence to those thoughts. Whilst in a state of relationship indecisiveness, you will undoubtedly be elucidating hundreds of thoughts about whether to stay or leave your current girlfriend or boyfriend.

As discussed in the article ‘Should I stay or leave my relationship’, whatever conclusion you come to, it is best to take decisive and accelerated actions. If you have decided to end a relationship (my personal opinion being when a relationship is anything short of perfect for you at any one time) then it helps nobody if you let that decision linger.

Softening the blow:

One way to foreshadow a breakup and prevent it ever being a surprise to your partner is by being honest about your commitment at every stage of the relationship.

In every relationship I have been in, during the dating phase I have always made it clear that I don’t simply jump into serious, exclusive relationships and that a relationship I truly want to be in is something that grows organically.

Similarly, a relationship ends when that desire for exclusivity starts to dwindle, which is rarely a sudden occurrence.

There are many reasons WHY it may dwindle and couples should never be afraid to talk about their feelings changing.

If a couple are honest with each other at every step of the relationship (although never supplicating) and don’t harbour any needless obligations to their other half (such as saying “I love you” when they don’t genuinely mean it) then it should cause no threat or panic to maturely discuss when relationship doubts first arise.

Being respectful:

I recently wrote on my twitter page that in a relationship you should “always leave them happier than you found them”. There, I was referring to the day to day interactions you have with your girlfriend or boyfriend and always trying to add value and happiness to their life.

The phrase works equally well when referring to a relationship as a whole though. You’ll do well in this social world we live in if you make it a rule to never leave someone less happy than when you first meet them, whether it’s a five minute interaction with someone or a ten year relationship!

As for respecting your partner’s feelings during the delicate period of a breakup, it is usually the more passive approach that is going to be the most considerate of your partner’s feelings. Leaving on good terms is a tough balance to find: you won’t want to end the relationship with a blazing row but equally, ‘ending on a high’ such as having sex can leave the other person feeling used or confused.

The more mutual you make the breakup and the more you can get your partner to agree that it is best to amicably move on, the less hurt there will be on either side.

I am going through a breakup:

Moving on:

Everyone knows that the best remedy for getting over someone is to ‘move on’ but such vague advice is hard to follow.

The best way to start moving on is to make an effort to remain busy and positive in whatever way you can. This may involve spending time with friends, or one step further could be jumping straight back into the dating field! If you follow past advice on this website, you’ll have options for both of those…

Some people advise removing all contact with a recent ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend (deleting their phone-number and removing them from Facebook for example). It is not so much the legitimate temptation availability that should be a problem though but more the thought capacity you give to them. Removing contact with them but still THINKING about them constantly is a lot worse than keeping in contact but making an effort to move on emotionally.

Sharing a social circle:

A breakup can be particularly tricky if you share a lot of the same friends or perhaps even work together.

The same principles apply in remaining busy and not investing too much emotional thought to the situation. Explain the situation to your shared friends if you so wish but avoid judging your ex in any way in front of them. As mentioned earlier in the article, an unforgiving mindset is counterproductive to moving on and being happy!

However the relationship ended, time will always heal… but only if it is constructive and proactive time.

If you can’t picture your ex with another man or woman, you probably have more work to do…

Much love,

Sam

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Having now worked with hundreds of romantic couples from all sorts of backgrounds, beliefs and experience levels, I’ve started to discover more and more trends that DO span across a variety of different relationships and more specifically, how those relationships develop over time.

In this article, I am going to present to you a simplified version of this relationship development in the form of an illustrated time line. It portrays two of the core elements behind every happy and fulfilling long-term relationship… I call it The Happy Relationship Time Line!

The Happy Relationship Time Line:

Before viewing the below illustration, please note that both the simplicity and time frames portrayed are of course somewhat generalised. Some relationships progress far quicker than others and some people can feel that they are in a committed, long-term relationship within a matter of months. For those relationships, I believe that the basis of the time line still holds true, but its duration will be far more condensed.

Positive emotions in the early stages of a relationship:

It goes without saying that your relationship’s success in the early stages is down to how much you like each other and how many happy moments you share together. This comes predominantly in the form of attraction and balancing interest levels, as mutual rapport is steadily created.

Besides being confident, the most successful men I know at dating attractive women are great at sparking an element of excitement and fun in their interactions with them. Spiking a woman’s emotions in this way (amongst other factors) is a sure-fire way to create attraction. This works in reverse for women attracting men too.

The attraction phase in dating carries on for some time before two people have developed enough deep rapport to enter a genuinely monogamous and loving relationship together. Any relationship that becomes samey, predictable or mundane early on will generally continue along that path.

A similar pattern is witnessed via many of the reputable dating coaches I’ve worked with, many of whom are not interested in committed relationships themselves. If that lack of desire or interest to keep the relationship positive, fun and exciting peters out too soon, then the relationship usually subsides there and then.

Some other things that create positive emotions in a relationship besides being fun and interesting are spontaneity and surprises, thoughtfulness and a varied sex-life.

Conflict solving in a committed relationship:

As commitment levels grow, real life contingencies and the need for compromise within the relationship start to arise.

Earlier on in a relationship, conflicts such as arguments and insecurities not only present themselves less frequently but they are also best to be consciously avoided. I hesitate to use the word “ignored”, as it suggests a lack of empathy or caring, but being able to change your girlfriend or boyfriend’s mood in the early stages of a relationship is generally far more effective than entertaining or focusing on any arguments and insecurities.

Having said that, once a relationship does become committed and ‘serious’, these natural conflicts and learning to overcome them directly will become more integral to the relationship’s overall happiness.

The specific strategies to overcome things such as compromise, jealousy, anger, annoying habits and negative emotions are found elsewhere on this website. The importance of discovering a way to do this together though is probably the most important piece of relationship advice there is!

Positive emotions in a long-term relationship:

My personal experience of extremely long-term relationships is obviously limited (I have never been married for example) but I do regularly work with couples that are in this situation.

Once a happy relationship has reached several years (the time line states 7 years but that figure is fairly arbitrary), a romantic couple has generally figured out a conflict management strategy that works for them. The roles in the relationship have long been cemented and knowing and dealing with each other’s emotions and anxieties should have become a subconscious competence.

It seems that the relationships that are successful, fulfilling and ultimately happy beyond this time-span are the ones that revert back to concentrating on how many happy moments they share from day to day.

One of my favourite concepts is one introduced by Stephen Covey (author of ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’) called your relationship’s emotional bank account. What it involves is making sure that you always have a positive ratio of happy and unhappy moments in your relationship. For example, five positive moments and one negative moment in a day is far better for a relationship’s health than ten positive moments and ten negative moments.

Remember that if you’re sharing a life together, it’s just as important to remain attractive and interesting to your partner as it was when you first met!

Much love,

Sam

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“You never do…”

“That’s typical of you…”

“You’re useless at…”

Criticism is something that is rife in all areas of life, from family to business, but it is in a long-term relationship where criticism can feel particularly hurtful and can easily develop into something far more sinister…

The characteristics of criticism:

Personal criticism is a state-based trait, meaning it is a reflection of how someone is feeling at a particular moment in time. This makes it extremely easy to crop up without warning and sneak into an otherwise positive and happy relationship.

Just like contempt in a relationship, criticism is something that develops progressively. Coupled with the fact that the honeymoon/dating phase of a relationship can obscure negative aspects of someone’s personality, the first signs of criticism can seem rather innocuous.

Due to this slow and unsuspecting progression, the first criticising remarks in a relationship may go ignored, which begins to act as an acceptance of the behaviour, reinforcing its habitual nature.

This is why criticism is something that occurs far less frequently amongst new couples who are still in the dating phase, or at least is far less of an issue in this instance. Once it has developed into a default method of communication between a couple though, it is extremely hard to instantly transform those methods.

Me criticising Heidi (staged... obviously)

Criticism is the development of both contempt and complacency in a relationship. This can manifest as a subconscious realisation that your partner isn’t as ‘perfect’ as you had originally self-projected, or because you have become overly comfortable in your relationship and can’t imagine your partner leaving you. The latter of these examples is common amongst married couples, or couples where contempt has manifested through an increasing lack of fulfilment in their relationship.

An alternative to trying to make your partner stop criticising you:

The interesting thing about receiving criticism is that it says more about how we feel personally than the actual content and intention of the interaction.

If we’re in a happy and positive mood then it is extremely hard to feel criticised, whereas if our self-esteem is at a particularly low point, almost everything with even a hint of negativity will be interpreted as criticism! If your partner does occasionally project a low self-image or suggest insecurities, then making a conscious effort not to invoke further negative emotions is recommended, to keep the relationship happy and positive.

The positive aspects of criticism:

Whilst there is always a more loving and empathetic way to communicate with a girlfriend or boyfriend than a way that makes them feel criticised, there is also always a positive reframe that you can do.

The positive reframe is to view the criticism as a learning tool. On a basic level, your partner is trying to communicate that you are doing something irritating, unwanted or antagonising. It takes an extremely enlightened person to be able to flip criticism into a learning tool for self-improvement.

In fact, if I ever feel criticised, the first thing I will always ask myself is, “why is this person saying this? Is it justified?”

“Water off a duck’s back”:

This saying refers to how easily water glides off a duck’s smooth, slick feathers… and this is exactly how criticism can be handled!

The thing to note about criticism is that it is rarely anything personal… It is dynamic, contextual and in direct retaliation to something you are DOING.

With practice, it’s extremely easy to quickly interpret the criticism, dissect any justification from it and then disassociate from the rest.

We do this all the time with people we aren’t emotionally attached to. If a passerby aims a rude or scathing comment at us, it’s rare that the resulting emotional reaction is long-lasting, especially if we see no justification in the comment.

Talk to your partner about rephrasing criticism:

Even though criticism is largely about how feedback is interpreted and our own self-esteem, there are definitely more empathetic ways to communicate with a loved one. If you do feel that you partner is overly critical of you, you can discuss ways to share your thoughts and feelings that are more mutually fulfilling.

As discussed earlier in this article, criticism is as much about the person doing the criticising as the person being criticised. As a result, a far better way to communicate any ‘criticism’ is as personal feelings without blame. Some questions to consider with your partner, although not to necessarily repeat verbatim are:

• How does this particular behaviour make you feel?
• Why does it make you feel that way?
• How can we act to be more empathetic towards each other?

A better way to phrase criticism – The compliment sandwich:

Whenever I’m teaching a seminar group alongside other dating coaches, we always utilise a common psychological technique called a ‘feedback sandwich’. This technique involves giving some critical yet useful feedback sandwiched between two pieces of praise. The result is that the student still receives the feedback they require but it is packaged as far more positive and rewarding. This technique can equally be used with a girlfriend or boyfriend in the form of a ‘compliment sandwich’!

The compliment sandwich involves sandwiching a negative or ‘criticising’ remark between two relevant and sincere compliments. Obviously this should in no way seem contrived or condescending and if done correctly, it will take a lot of the hostility out of any criticism.

The Compliment Sandwich - see the comments section below for an example

The main reason that criticism can seem so harsh is that it makes people feel unappreciated, so by using softening techniques and better communication, criticism can be delivered and received with the compassion and good intent that it is meant to.

Much love,

Sam

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