The first of these stages is the attraction, lust and romance stage, which develops from when a couple first start dating and can last anywhere from a few months to several years. This continues whilst a couple discover each other fully and build intimate rapport together.

The second of these stages is the commitment, management and awareness stage, which continues thereafter. This stage usually develops around the time there is a prominent gesture of commitment, such as deciding to live together, or simply the period where a couple become deeply and emotionally close to one another.

The power shifts that develop across these two stages are unavoidable but the degree to which we let a power struggle affect a relationship can most certainly be handled…

How the power struggle develops:

Everyone wants to feel in control in their relationship, although that is not to say that one wants to purposefully control their partner.

Even people in controlling relationships or perpetrators of domestic abuse do so because of learnt behaviours and an inability to effectively get what they really want and fulfil their own needs.

When we feel comfortable with someone, we naturally feel more inclined to pick up on previously insignificant things that may irritate us. We also gain a superior need to expect unconditional love and receive constant validation and reassurance from a romantic partner. These are both instances of things that can escalate to an obvious power struggle.

The interesting thing about these two examples is that they have opposing effects on a relationship, depending on how mutual the power struggle symptoms are. The following graph will help to illustrate what I mean:

If the need for validation and expressions of love is completely one-sided, the relationship becomes imbalanced and arguments will arise due to the inciter not feeling appreciated enough. This easily leads to the manifestation of a clear power struggle.

On the other hand, if this need for validation and expressions of love is equal then a couple can usually share those feelings to each other’s satisfaction and enjoy a fulfilling relationship, as long as that balance is maintained. [related article: ‘Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium’]

On the contrary, behavioural retorts (such as criticising your partner) have a more severe effect the more mutual they are. By definition, an argument has already started:

“I hate it when you do x. You ALWAYS do x”

“Yes well I hate it when you do y and z” etc

A recurring exchange such as this dilutes the dominant/submissive roles in the relationship and leads to a power struggle faster than any other method.

How to avoid the power struggle completely:

What it ultimately comes down to is learning to notice, understand and fulfil each other’s needs, which undoubtedly will differ between the two of you. Alternatively, where appropriate, you can help your partner to develop or overcome those needs.

As mentioned in the previous section, certain behavioural acts such as criticism are intensified if they are fuelled from both sides, yet it is instinctual to sometimes want to ‘give as good as you get’ in a relationship. Pain or a lack of validation on both sides doesn’t balance out a relationship… It just doubles the amount of pain and lack of validation! I hint about some remedies to this particular example in the latter part of the article ‘Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory’.

The only way to solve any feelings of resentment that can arise from the power struggle is to help your partner get what they want, without supplicating! The last part is crucial because it keeps intact the attraction, respect and trust within the relationship.

I will go into more depth with the intricacies of how to spot and avoid the power struggle in another article but remember that you ALLOW people to control or antagonise you by conveying what you will accept and by reacting to certain things in a certain way!

Also keep in mind that hate (which can be an observational side-effect of the power struggle) is not the opposite of love… indifference is! As long as both people in a relationship seem like they care, any negativity or power struggle can be flipped. Like I said, I will explain in detail how to do this in a future article…

Much love,

Sam

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Modern-day polyamorous relationships, or ‘open relationships’, have a somewhat negative reputation in modern society and I think this is largely because they are misunderstood.

I thought I would share some of my own insights into polyamorous relationships and explain how, whether you approve of the underlying principles or not, they can help enrich how you approach your own relationships and the attitudes and mindsets surrounding them…

True monogamy doesn’t exist anymore:

Obviously you will find examples of people who stay with their childhood sweetheart or their first romantic partner for life, but this is a rare occurrence in this day and age. Most people who claim to be monogamists are actually what are called ‘serial monogamists’.

A serial monogamist will have many romantic partners or lovers throughout their lifetime but they will always be asynchronous, as in they will wait for one relationship to end before moving on to the next one.

This is the most common way to approach relationships and the way modern society teaches us to behave towards them. It can be argued that marriage was originally created to artificially impose this standard. Unfortunately, human behaviour doesn’t always mirror this approach, which is why infidelity still occurs so frequently.

You don’t have to be either a polyamorist or a monogamist:

Relationships are dynamic and our desires and attraction are very changeable as we develop throughout our lives. It is for this reason that polyamory and monogamy can be used in conjunction with each other, depending on what our relationship desires are at the time. It can be argued that everyone possesses an inherent agreement for both mindsets; we just tend to force one way of living due to learnt behaviour and cultural standards.

Assuming you do ultimately want to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship with one special person who surpasses everything you are looking for in a relationship, how do you think the best way to find that person is?

You could stumble from relationship to relationship hoping that eventually you happen upon someone who meets at least some of your standards, or you can skew the odds in your favour of finding that special person by not restricting yourself to a specific method of dating.

Polyamory and exclusivity:

Polyamory works best when it is viewed as a means to an end. Although I agree that polyamory is not a sustainable setup or mindset in the long run (and this has been proven to me by every so-called polyamorist I have ever met or analysed), it is actually a great way to shortcut the process of finding that special person.

Every successful monogamous relationship I have been in has come about because that person has actively made me stop WANTING to be with anyone else, not because the relationship is convenient or there was a lack of abundance in my dating life at the time.

Similarly, all my previous relationships ended because we were starting to lose that desire for exclusivity. Although there are many reasons for a relationship’s demise, every single one can be linked to this theory: the desire for someone else is due to one’s emotional or physical needs and desires not being completely fulfilled!

There is no reason to lead someone to believe they are exclusive if they are not, or if they are not yet. This means that when you are in an exclusive relationship with someone, it is a lot more sincere.

Is polyamory cheating?

People often think that polyamory and indeed ‘open relationships’ are like cheating on your partner because of their unconventional setup. It is actually completely the opposite of cheating! Polyamory is about being completely honest and respectful about your intentions and desires as soon as they emerge. The alternative is to either suppress any other desires you may have, or worse, act on them secretly and cheat on your partner. Which do you think is better?

As I wrote about in the article ‘Cheating on a partner does not matter’, cheating in a relationship is only an issue because it goes against the assumed values of the relationship. If everyone is at least open to the idea of polyamory as a principle, whether currently in an exclusive relationship or not, no one will ever feel the need to cheat because those feelings and desires for other people can be acknowledged and discussed long before anything actually happens as a consequence.

Being open-minded towards polyamory:

I myself am definitely in a monogamous relationship at the moment, but that is certainly not out of principle or obligation and wholly because it is what Heidi and I both want at this moment in time. We both love each other and work on making the relationship fulfilling as well as being void of any insecurities or negativity. I can only speak for myself but due to that, I haven’t even had an inkling of desire for anyone else over the past three years.

It is however fathomable that at some point in the future as we change and develop, these desires may change for both of us, at which point because we are both aware of the anatomy of both polyamorous and monogamous relationships, we will be able to discuss and adapt as soon as anything arises.

Learning to make relationships lasting and continually happy and fulfilling will in theory nullify the need for this mindset, but it is still useful to understand so as to avoid the typical way that a relationship ends: shrouded in negativity and contempt!

Much love,

Sam

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1. Age gaps in relationships

There are specific reasons why I am reluctant to promote any program or service that deals with getting back with an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend that I will explain shortly, but this third-party interest does show that it is a common enough issue for me to cover.

This article will give a few tips on how to get back with an ex but will first address what I believe is a far more pertinent question…

Why do you really want to get back with your ex?

There are a whole host of reasons why a relationship might end but below the surface, it is always due to the needs and wants of one or both people in the relationship not being met.

Regardless of how much you miss the relationship shortly after a breakup, there was something fundamental that led to its demise. It takes a strong character to control the instinctual feelings of loss and not be drawn into a state of longing soon after a relationship ends.

In order to think about and work on the areas of the relationship that caused the breakup, if nothing is resolved from any discussions there and then, then you must follow the first step of how to get your ex back…

Take some time out:

Whether you want to get back with your ex or you want to move on, taking at least some brief time away from each other is imperative to separate yourself from the emotional ties of that relationship and view everything rationally. A recent article that discusses these initial decisions is the article titled ‘Should I stay or leave my relationship’.

Be proactive as soon as possible:

The feeling of loss is always going to be significant just after breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend and that is usually the time where regrets can creep in, or the relationship continues but in a subordinate fashion. It is for that reason that I always suggest being socially proactive as soon as possible, regardless of whether you are hoping the relationship will be rekindled or not.

Immediately after any of my previous relationships ended, I always forced myself to go out and meet several new women THAT WEEK! This was in no way intended to be disrespectful to the ex-girlfriend in question but it allowed me to put the relationship in perspective and not become needy due to the automatic feelings of loss procured from breaking up.

As counter-intuitive as it may seem, buying flowers, ringing constantly, telling your ex incessantly that you love them or doing anything that suggests begging for your partner back once a decision has already been made, will only push them further away! This theory is explained more concisely in the article ‘Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium’.

Comparing everyone to your ex:

Another common reason to feel like you want to get back with an ex is how the new men or women you meet compare to your ex.

Attraction can be created extremely easily but rapport and intimacy is something that develops over time and continues to grow as a relationship progresses. Although there are many enjoyable aspects to starting a relationship with someone new, it will take the same amount of time for that rapport and intimacy to develop to heights of your previous relationship. Comparing the two at wholly different stages creates unrealistic parallels in your mind; one where your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend will always seem superior.

Restarting the relationship as new:

Oftentimes, if people actively follow through with some of this advice, they’ll realise over time that the relationship in question did have its downfalls and perhaps wasn’t the perfect relationship for them. This is the first step to learning from the experience, moving on and continuing on the path to finding the perfect partner.

However, it’s not for anyone else to decide that moving on is the correct course of action. Perhaps the relationship truly was special and it was behaviour similar to complacency that destroyed it.

If this truly is the case, when you do meet with your ex again (and this should only be done once you have dealt with any feelings of neediness surrounding getting back together), you want to convey the changes you have actually made. You want to amp attraction and leave the affectionate side for if the relationship progresses once more. An article that discusses the distinction between these traits is called ‘Nice guy or bad boy – Find the perfect balance’ and is useful information for both men and women. Remember, couples who get back together without actually changing anything will invariably find themselves back in the same situation before long!

Discuss:

Do you have experience of getting back with an ex, or wanting to get back with an ex? Else, what is your opinion or advice for someone who is in that situation?

Much love,

Sam

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The truth is that compatibility is created and we can learn to be compatible with just about anyone.

It is the art of connecting with someone that we base this compatibility supposition on: some people connect with each other far more naturally than others, which is generally how we get into romantic relationships.

It is for this reason, that when a couple come to me, adamant on staying together and working on their relationship, that helping them to connect with each other is the number one priority. If you can positively connect with someone (and I will explain what I mean by positively connecting in this article) then the basis of a fulfilling relationship is already there…

Frame theory in relationships and other interactions:

To segue from meeting someone to building a solid relationship with them, an understanding of the fundamental changes in how to connect and interact effectively at each stage is vital. One way to define these interactions is using ‘frame theory’.

‘Frame’, in the context described here, is a term derived from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as a way to analyse human interactions. I have come to define it as ‘the underlying meaning or assumptions of an interaction’. When described like this, it is clear that it is a highly useful concept to understand within romantic relationships.

At a simplistic level, there are two types of ‘frame’: strong frames and weak frames. A strong frame represents someone who is dominant, confident and self-assured, whereas a weak frame represents someone who is submissive, affectionate and overly apologetic. It is common for people to become accustomed solely to one of these types during early social-development.

The problem with frame theory is that its importance and distinction at different stages of developing a relationship varies considerably.

When learning principles of attraction and how to meet people, it is important to understand how to adopt a strong frame that portrays universally attractive traits such as leadership, dominance and all-round confidence. [Related article: This concept is the basis of the behavioural traits outlined in the article ‘Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance’]

Most men naturally develop a strong frame as required in this instance; unfortunately, that strong frame is often based around negative beliefs! The conjecture here is that even if a strong frame contains negative beliefs, ANY strong frame subdues a weak frame.

An example of this in practice is when a man approaches a woman with deep-rooted, negative beliefs, such as:

• Women are intimidating
• Approaching strangers is weird and rude
• I won’t be her type
• I will have to act in a predetermined, unnatural way

With overpowering beliefs like this, it is almost as counterproductive as simply having a weak frame and meekly interacting with woman, with the hope that they will do all the hard work and spend the time getting to know you and like you regardless.

Men who get good at attracting women become excellent at leading interactions and flipping any negative frames that are imposed upon them. For example, if a woman tries to test or oppose a man’s apparent confidence, he will know how to turn it around with a stronger frame of his own.

The problem is that this is only applicable in the beginning stages of a relationship. If you carry on with this attitude and setup as a relationship progresses, you will come across as aloof, or worse, insecure! This is the reason why a number of dating coaches I have worked with in the past find it extremely difficult to maintain long-lasting, fulfilling relationships. They are great at attracting women and building the foundations of a relationship but then find it hard to shift their attitude towards the relationship at the correct moment.

Creating a frame of unity in a relationship:

When a relationship becomes mutual, monogamous and loving, the individual frames that we present will become clouded as we start to feel truly connected. This will happen naturally as a couple bond with each other and become comfortable in the relationship. However, even if this is the case, the ingrained attitudes are rarely shifted internally and this inevitably causes problems further into the relationship.

The only way to feel truly connected to your partner is to create a sincere emotional interdependence, where there is no longer a power shift between any of your interactions and hence you create a frame of unity.

This doesn’t mean that you should never disagree or have individual roles in a relationship, but that the underlying assumptions of any of your interactions are always that of mutuality and respect. The recent article ‘Compromising in a relationship’ touches on this dynamic from a slightly different angle.

Every single interaction and emotional request in a relationship is a chance to connect and the most fulfilling outcome in any example is always the one that makes a couple feel connected the most. This is regardless of whether the outcome or decision was the best one in practice or not. This affinity is not necessarily ideal in other interactions in life and that is where people can get confused. Connecting with a romantic partner is different from connecting with anyone else because it is based around intimacy.

It is impossible to positively connect with someone in terms of intimate rapport whilst having conflicting frames, whilst on the other hand, if you have a joint frame of unity, you will ALWAYS connect positively, regardless of any real life content.

Much love,

Sam

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1. 3 steps to being more attractive

Every healthy relationship needs compromise! Humans are extremely complex and varied creatures, so no matter how suited you feel you and your partner are, you will always have differing opinions on certain things. It is unlikely you will ever have someone who always confidently agrees with you and decidedly wants to do whatever you want to do and let’s be honest, how fun would that actually be! My standard rule for compromising is:

If something doesn’t hurt me or go against my core beliefs and principles then do it.

There is a lot more to a healthy compromise between a couple than this though and this article aims to break it down to its core components…

Compromising in the subconscious mind:

Our subconscious mind deals with most of the day to day responses and emotional feedback that we encounter. This can either be a good thing or a bad thing regarding relationships, depending on how our subconscious mind has been programmed throughout our life experiences and personal development.

A lot of couples feel that they can instinctively come to compromises on a wide variety of topics or issues without much hassle, whilst others find that they disagree on even the pettiest decisions.

The need for compromise occurs so frequently in long-term relationships that most of it does happen subconsciously and isn’t even noteworthy, even if you fall into that second category.

The cause for any unrest that does occur whilst dealing with compromise though, which is also what leads to arguments, is not feeling validated or valued enough in the relationship.

Compromising with a partner is extremely easy to do (even when dealing with really big decisions) if you can overcome and rid yourself of a few of these negative emotional barriers and insecurities.

How to compromise in a relationship:

There are several general points that are useful to adopt whilst compromising with a partner, such as not going back on your word and not making compromises conditionally, where you are expecting something back in return.

Below is a diagram I have made (you can look at it like a simple equation if it makes it easier to understand) and it shows the components that lead to a happy compromise:

Gratification – Hindrance = Appreciation + Mutuality

Gratification:

Gratification in the above diagram relates to how satisfied you are with the outcome of the compromise in question and how much you enjoy pleasing your partner in this way.

Unless you are feeling signs of contempt in your relationship, you should automatically get a deep sense of fulfilment from pleasing your partner and maintaining a relationship of beatitude.

Hindrance:

Hindrance in the above diagram refers to both how much effort it takes for you to compromise on a certain issue and how much that compromise will affect what would be your ideal, personal choice.

If a decision, feeling or action doesn’t directly affect you then any averseness towards fully compromising is almost certainly fuelled by insecurities mentioned previously in this article.

Appreciation:

You can’t force your partner to appreciate any compromises that you make but it is a well known behavioural trait that we are more willing to do things that we feel appreciated or valued for and this goes both ways.

Mutuality:

One of the most common reasons why someone will not compromise with their partner, even if the other factors are met, is that they feel they are supplicating or losing control to their partner if they do.

The actual causes of those feelings are answered elsewhere on this website but you want to feel that the compromise is mutual, is largely a win-win situation and that over time, the degree of compromise from each of you roughly balances out.

There are obviously a vast number of examples of times where a couple would need to compromise with each other. If you have any examples that you would like to share, along with how you solved them, or if you have a specific example that you would like advice on, then please post it in the comments section below.

Much love,

Sam

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1. Do you have an ego in your relationship?
2. Should I stay or leave my relationship

It is a common period of reflection too and so over the last month I have been working with both men and women who are going through the process of reassessing their relationships either independently or with their partner.

Whilst this article won’t categorically tell you whether you should stay in your relationship or leave it, it will give you a few things to think about regarding whether to stay or leave and explain the best mentality to have regarding any decisions…

Where the dilemma comes from:

There are generally two causes for getting to the situation where you are thinking deeply about whether to stay in your current relationship or not. The first is created over a period of time where the relationship is either becoming monotonous, or you feel that the relationship is selling yourself short; that you can fathom a more ideal relationship.

The second cause is when there is one specific and often drastic event that makes you reassess the whole foundation of the relationship. This could be a betrayal of trust such as your partner cheating on you or lying to you, or it could be some other event that contradicts the person you thought you were with.

Having high standards:

The biggest thing to bear in mind when deciding whether to stay in a relationship or not is to be true to your personal standards. If you are a person who wants the absolute best out of your love-life then you must never ‘settle’ for a relationship that is anything short of perfect for you at any given time.

A common suggestion from peers and even therapists to this whole situation is to list all the pros and cons of the relationship and see which side of the list is favoured more heavily when it is complete.

The problem with this approach is that relationships are dynamic and changeable. Not only will you find that certain points vary in intensity as your state changes from day to day, you will also have trouble pinpointing certain things as solely your partner’s fault. A couple having constant arguments is a good example of this, as the bias towards whose ‘fault’ the arguments are will lead to further inconsistencies. All in all, the list approach will probably leave you more confused and more indecisive than you were just basing your decision on gut feeling!

Rather than make a list of the good qualities your partner has, try making a list of what qualities you want your ULTIMATE partner to have and then seeing how your relationship compares to that. Although there are many couples who manage to craft a lasting relationship despite not necessarily being ideal for each other or not being consistently happy together, you are doing yourself a disservice if you abridge your search for the perfect partner in order to have a relationship or marriage prematurely.

There are many times in life where we don’t feel as much self-worth as at other times but for me, since deciding to take control of my dating life back in 2003, I’ve always made sure that my relationships aren’t decided by or affected by those negative moments.

What this means is that unless a relationship of mine at any given time is anything short of PERFECT then I will be honest with both myself and my partner and not try to make it something it is not.

The best mentality to have when deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship:

The following diagram shows the four different types of attitude that one can have when deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship:

Using the above diagram; whilst the path of whether to stay or leave is completely down to you and there is no right or wrong answer, of the four paths that branch out from the ‘mentality’ nodes, it is quite obvious which two are the healthiest options. The four result choices at the bottom of the diagram can be placed into two categories: ‘remaining unfocused and indecisive’ or ‘taking action and moving on’. It is the second category that you want to follow, regardless of what your initial decision was.

If you stay in your relationship but don’t really make any effort to change things or solve any of the issues from the past, then things will obviously remain as they are.

If you decide wholeheartedly to stay in your relationship and then proceed to actually embrace that decision, promise to put aside any of your past concerns and work on enriching the relationship then you are one step towards making it fulfilling.

If you decide that leaving is the best option but it is done without courage or clear thought, then you will inevitably feel the loss of suddenly not having a companion. It takes a lot of mental effort to move on after a breakup and this can include taking action towards finding someone new, which definitely helps the process. The key is being proactive once the relationship is over and not dwelling on what you have just lost. Feeling the loss is the main cause for couples getting back together after a breakup. Whilst the relationship can be different once it is re-established, remember that you broke up for a reason in the first place and avoid ignoring the issues that were originally there.

Summary:

To summarise the key points of this article:

• Be true to your personal standards and don’t settle for anything less.
• Make a list of how you visualise your ultimate partner and your ideal relationship and see if that is possible to create from your current one.
• Whether you decide to stay or leave, follow through that decision with full commitment and positivity.

Much love,

Sam

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1. The ONLY reason you should stay in a relationship
2. How to get through bad patches in a relationship
3. Steps for finding the perfect partner

I personally would rather go through life having never been married but having experienced many fulfilling relationships that were right for me at the time than marry the wrong person out of some sort of commitment obligation.

This article will highlight ten reasons why marriages consistently fail and will hopefully give some food for thought for people who believe marriage is a top priority. I encourage you to discuss, argue or agree with any of the points in the comments section at the end of the article…

1.) Complacency:

I’ve started with probably the biggest and most common issue that marriage presents and that is how easy it is to become complacent with the relationship if you are united by wedlock.

It’s easy to fall into the mindset when you are married that you have in a sense ‘won’ your partner’s ultimate devotion and you don’t need to put as much effort towards maintaining their desires and remaining attractive. Even if this isn’t a conscious consequence, it is hard to do things that we know we don’t NEED to do for our own development.

Whilst I believe that emotional and psychological complacency is particularly detrimental for a married couple, physical and health complacency is a common occurrence too. There has actually been an interesting study carried out in America that reveals how couples are 63% more likely to significantly put on weight after getting married [source]. Whilst it’s easy to say “that won’t happen to me”, in the situation (perhaps after a few years of marriage) these things can creep in quite easily.

Marriage by definition creates a false sense of entitlement that makes it easier to take the relationship for granted. There’s a far greater sense of pride in the fact that you can win your partner’s attraction, affection and desires day in day out rather than feel that they will be with you regardless of what you do!

2.) Contempt:

I’ve spoken before about how contempt is ‘The number one relationship killer’ and it is far easier for it to develop between a married couple for similar reasons to complacency.

A common representation of contempt within a marriage is how courteous a husband and wife are to each other compared to how they act around other people. Similar to a family situation, it is not feeling that you have to earn your partner’s affection over time that can let standards drop.

3.) Adapting the relationship:

Relationships go through many phases, with some periods of emphatic happiness and other times where the relationship has perhaps hit a bad patch. Regardless of how you feel about your partner at this very moment in time, the relationship WILL change over time.

Whilst it is disconcerting to think of your partner being attracted to someone else let alone ever acting on those urges, marriage creates an unhealthy restriction over someone’s ongoing desires.

Commitment is a big part of love but so is honesty. As I talked about in the article ‘How likely your partner is to cheat’, I would hate to think that I am ever imposing ‘fidelity suppression’ on my partner.

I know of several highly aware people who adapt to a whole range of different relationships, from polyamorous relationships (having multiple partners, openly and honestly) to monogamous ‘life partners’. These adaptations of a traditional relationship are difficult to fashion whilst married if you can accept that it is the best course of action for you. Second to this, you can never have the psychology of a ‘break’ whilst married. Whilst going on a break is not always advisable for troubled relationships, it can work in certain situations such as those discussed in the article ‘Is going on a break good or bad?’

4.) Marriage won’t fundamentally change the relationship:

Probably the worst reason to get married is that you believe it will solve all the problems currently in your relationship: if married, all the anxieties, insecurities and arguments will just magically vanish!

Whilst every marriage has a ‘honeymoon period’ where everything feels euphoric, it doesn’t take long for the relationship to slip back to how it was before.

If you are getting married thinking it will change your partner’s ways or it will cure all the bad aspects of your relationship, then you are probably in for quite a shock!

5.) The security and peace of mind is an illusion:

People like the security and peace of mind that marriage provides, especially if there are children involved, or likely to be involved in the future. The relationship is no more or less secure because two people are married: a couple can be wholly committed to one another and not be married and likewise, a couple can be married and never genuinely feel that level of mutual commitment, regardless of the sentiment that marriage suggests.

6.) Your development and identity can become obscured:

I’ve said many times before that constant development is crucial for maintaining a fulfilling relationship. This is both on an individual level and together as a couple. The security of marriage mentioned above actually restricts both challenge and growth and it is far easier for a couple to become out of sync with their development whilst married, however counter-intuitive that may seem.

Humans thrive on challenges (ask any successful person in the history of humankind whether that is true) and the independence that is lost when a couple get married can restrict the nature of personal goals and achievements.

7.) Premature conditioning by love:

Do you REALLY know your partner, including all their live-in habits and quirks and all their aspirations and woes? People are very good at hiding those things when only partially cohabiting and even more so if not living together at all.

If a couple are incessant on getting married then that is fine, but I would strongly urge living like you are married before actually getting married. Call it a trial if you will but getting married to someone you have never lived with is like buying a car before checking under the bonnet for an engine!

8.) Marriage nurtures insecurities:

Believe it or not, marriage actually nurtures the insecurities that people hope it will cure. If you get feelings of jealousy or have arguments now, then imagine what it will be like with the intensity of being married!

Marriage also promotes a distinct abundance denial, a sense of feeling “now that I am married I will never be alone”. The literal sentiment here also carries into other aspects of personal development concerning an abundance mentality.

9.) Keeping sight of the bigger picture:

The fact is that you can work at a relationship and you can have the best intentions towards it, but you never know how things will be in five, ten or twenty years from now!

Living in the moment is exceedingly hard to do whilst married as the whole premise is based upon planning for the future… the undetermined future!

10.) Marriage as a tradition:

There are several incentives behind getting married that I’m sure you are aware of: tax benefits, legal rights and citizenship to name a few. Society does also have a very conditioned view on married couples compared to unmarried, yet equally committed couples. Having said that, the only credibility or label that should matter in a relationship is the credibility that the two people involved decide to give it.

It has got to a point now where some people have already decided that they want to get married before even getting into a serious relationship! It almost becomes a case of ‘when I get married’ rather than ‘if I find the right person then I will get married’.

So whilst I would like to reiterate that I am not adamantly against marriage personally, successful marriages are generally the ones that are the result of a non-obligatory, carefully rationalised decision made by two astutely aware people.

If you have made it to the end of this lengthy article then please leave a response in the comments section below: I don’t mind if you are agreeing or disagreeing with me on any of the points…

Much love,

Sam

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I’ve worked hard over the past few years to rid myself of any negative emotions and anxieties and be able to control my emotions at will, yet I truly believe that the only emotion that cannot be suppressed is love!

That’s fine if your love for someone is equally reciprocated but what if it is not? And even if it is reciprocated, does the intensity fluctuate over time?

This article will introduce some new theories I have been working on surrounding love and how to manage what is ostensibly the most powerful emotion in the world…

The love equilibrium:

I have recently been toying with the theory that there is a certain equilibrium that couples must find and maintain with regards to how much they love one another in order to sustain a happy and fulfilling relationship indefinitely.

Love, on the whole, is a positive emotion but it can also lead to some more disruptive traits rearing their ugly little heads. These are things such as neediness, dependency and validation-seeking and are all factors that can severely disrupt a once happy equilibrium.

How love affects self-control:

In a sense, love is linked to a state of being out of control. This theory explains my opening statement about how love is the only emotion that cannot be suppressed: it affects both our rational thoughts and actions.

The interesting point is that the MORE you fall in love, the MORE out of control with the relationship you become and the more likely the disruptive traits mentioned in the above section are to appear. This in turn will balance against your partner’s feelings. I’m not saying that your partner will start falling out of love with you but they will start feeling signs of contempt for the relationship, which if you’ve been reading this website for a while you will know is the number one relationship killer!

I know how much you all love my diagrams so I’ve created two diagrams that highlight what I mean…

The love equilibrium - balanced

The love equilibrium - unbalanced

The first diagram represents a happy couple in a fulfilling and equally loving relationship. The second diagram represents what happens when this balance goes out of kilter and one person in the relationship starts becoming overbearing with their love and almost like a weight against their partner. Obviously life circumstances will play a part in how each person reacts to such a scenario but it is ideal to get the balance back as soon as possible.

Love or infatuation:

Love is the culmination of many feelings towards a person and the side-effect of crafting a relationship of passion, intimacy and commitment. There is a well-known imposter to love though, which is called infatuation! Funnily enough, as there are fewer factors to obscure the dynamics, the love equilibrium is easier to spot when dealing with a case of infatuation.

An example, which I’m sure a lot of people can relate to is becoming obsessed with one particular person who you currently have no romantic relations with, be it a friend, someone you have a crush on, or a past boyfriend or girlfriend. If you actually get to the point of confessing your ‘love’ for them, you actually push them further away.

Balancing love:

In a mutual, loving and committed relationship, there should be no need for superfluous validation or ‘extra effort’ from one person and love should be something that develops both naturally and smoothly. A lot of couples use the magical three words “I love you” far too automated, often as an obligation or quarrelled peacemaker. I make a point of only personally using the phrase during particular moments of amorous emotion; basically, when I genuinely mean it! I’m sure that the sincerity of Heidi saying “I love you” is similar.

This topic is going to be one that I expand on considerably in the future and may well become an article series but the main things to think about if you are in love are, do you love each other equally and do you express that love equally?

Much love (genuine, balanced love) ,

Sam

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The following complimenting challenge takes very little time out of your daily routine (in fact it is incorporated directly into it) and will have a profound effect on both your dating life and your relationships…

The complimenting challenge for singles:

The complimenting challenge for singles is to, whilst going about your daily business, compliment at least one stranger each day without any agenda.

The more creative you can be with your compliments the better. I would actually advise against complimenting on physical attributes. It takes a great degree of social proficiency to deliver a generic compliment such as one about looks without sounding rapport-seeking. Instead, compliment on something that is unique to them such as an interesting accessory they are wearing or if you witness them doing something admirable. Say your compliment with a smile and then leave without expecting any response. I’ve done this a countless amount of times over the years and you’ll be amazed at how many people stop you from leaving and thank you sincerely.

A lot of people struggle with approaching strangers or sparking up conversations with them because of a fear of rejection. The beauty of this challenge is that because you have no agenda, no outcome dependence and are not intending to start a conversation, you can’t actually be rejected! Anything that happens beyond that is a completely unintentional bonus and pretty soon after doing this challenge you will realise just how friendly and approachable most people are!

The complimenting challenge for couples:

Whilst I would still recommend implementing the above actions into your life even if you are in a relationship, as it characterises a sociable and positive person, the extension of the complimenting challenge for couples is aimed directly at appreciating your girlfriend or boyfriend.

A lot of people can start to take things for granted regarding their partner as the relationship progresses and although most people are extremely complimentary at the beginning of a relationship, these acts can often get phased out as a couple become overly familiar with each other.

The complimenting challenge for couples is to start to make an effort to appreciate the daily things that your partner does that might usually go unnoticed; the things they do for you and the effort they make.

Not only will this add towards the relationship being continually positive and happy but you will actually find that your partner starts doing MORE of these things. Emotions are contagious and the more you compliment your partner on even the smallest things, the more they will want to continue to do them without complaint.

Summary:

The complimenting challenge is to give at least one compliment each day whether it is to a stranger or your other half and then post your experiences in the comments section below…

Much love,

Sam

PS: To all the people on here who follow me on twitter (@sparklife) I want to thank you very much. I recently surpassed 10,000 followers on there and it is mindboggling to think that so many people are interested in reading my daily updates and ramblings!

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The diagram below should be read from top to bottom as a series of steps, in descending order of importance:

Quality of relationship:

This is the first and most important step in the diagram. If someone is in a completely fulfilling relationship, or anything close to that ideal then they are unlikely to even contemplate being with anyone else, let alone actually taking action towards it. A completely fulfilling relationship is one that consummates all physical and emotional desires and so by definition, someone is unlikely to cheat in that situation.

If the relationship is anything below this ultimate level then you move on to the next step in the diagram…

Disposition towards cheating:

This step refers to the person in question’s personal views regarding cheating. It will largely be governed by their social experience so far in life and also experience gained from previous relationships. It also relates to their moral upbringing regarding cheating and any personal realisations made along the way.

Someone who has a strict view towards infidelity (as modern society attempts to teach us) will never cheat on their partner even if deep down they physically or emotionally want to. Anyone who has a more relaxed view regarding cheating, and who isn’t heavily influenced by modern culture, or simply doesn’t think about or concern themselves with infidelity much will follow through to the next step in the diagram…

Social scenarios:

The final step in the diagram is for the people who have followed through from the previous two steps. This step refers to the social scenarios that the person in question finds themselves in or to put it differently, how much opportunity someone has to cheat.

If someone has a fairly solitary or close-knit social life then they are unlikely to meet someone new who can lead them through new phases of attraction and seduction. If their social life is more promiscuous and lavish then the chances of them meeting someone with the ability to do that will increase greatly. With this latter situation, it’s only a matter of time before someone ‘better’ or more suited comes along, and coupled with their less than strict attitude towards cheating from the previous step, they are likely to cheat in such a situation.

This concludes the two-part series on how likely your partner is to cheat. Please feel free to ask any questions or add any thoughts in the comments section below.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. How likely your partner is to cheat – part 1
2. The ONLY way to prevent your partner cheating
3. Cheating on a partner does not matter