Read on for the story of how I approached and chatted to a rather famous celebrity, and how it went from miraculously well to unsalvageable in one swift swoop…

Lumos – Setting the scene:

You don’t expect to meet A-list celebrities where I am from. I live in a historic, little town with a hip vibe in the South of England but it is still far removed from the glitz of Beverly Hills.

On this particular night I was out at a funky, local bar with a medley of social circles. There were several people amongst these groups of friends that I knew very well and there were some that I had only met that night (a point that becomes significant later on in this story).

It was a jovial evening and spirits were high. El vino was flowing and the laughter was boisterous, but all the discussions had turned to focus on a glamorous maiden nestled away in the corner of the crowded bar. It didn’t take long for people to start recognising who she was… it was only EMMA WATSON, star of the world famous Harry Potter movies!!

Accio – Meeting Emma Watson:

My friends, knowing what I do for a living, were already goading me to go and approach her… I was up for the challenge, although I had to make a conscious effort not to let the awe of the situation get to me.

It was a live music night in the venue, loud and busy, so as I was strolling across the room, I knew I was going to start with a low-committal and high-compliance conversation starter. This type of conversation starter is anything that prompts a socially polite response, where you are unlikely to get a rude or dismissive reaction.

I arrive at the group, compose myself for a split second and say with a friendly smile, “Which band are you guys here to see?”

Emma and her friends turn to face me. “Err, we know the organiser” her tall, male friend nonchalantly replied.

“You guys don’t seem very local” I said with an inquisitive look, “whereabouts are you from?”

As I continued, I moved slightly to position myself more directly alongside the group. This seemingly insignificant action changes the dynamic completely, as I now become observably part of their group, rather than an outsider, a stranger.

This short exchange had warmed me to the group so I introduced myself, “I’m Sam, by the way,” as I held out my hand to greet my new friends.

Even though I already knew who I was speaking to, a flutter darted across my chest as she responded with a warm smile, “I’m Emma.” I snapped back to reality and composed myself. After all, my main focus of the whole interaction was to treat her like the normal person that she is, beneath the glamorous, celebrity shell.

Playing on the fact that they had never been to my hometown before, I decided to make the interaction a bit more fun. “Here, I’ll teach you the secret Surrey handshake that only a few special people around here know.”

I then proceeded to teach Emma an overly elaborate and comical handshake, dressed with various clicks, flicks and slaps. She absolutely loved this little routine and it was definitely starting to set me apart from most of the people she meets.

Wingardium Leviosa – Building rapport with Emma Watson:

“How do you all know each other?” I asked.

“We’re in a relationship together,” replied her tall friend Jay, motioning between himself and Emma.

Prior to this revelation I had an assumption that they might be a couple. This didn’t change anything. I would never disrespect someone’s relationship and I was simply enjoying making friends.

There were other people around Emma now so I turned my attention towards her boyfriend Jay. We had a brief chat about where he’s from and what he does etc. It was very basic conversation but I was definitely warming to this guy and I could see why he had wound up dating a celebrity megastar.

After a few minutes, I glanced over at Emma and she looked like she was feeling slightly excluded.

“I have an intuition about you,” I mused in her direction. I turned back to Jay, “do you mind if I borrow Emma for a second? We’ll just be over there,” I said, pointing a few feet away towards some chairs. He had other friends around him so I knew this wouldn’t be a problem. Emma and I stepped to one side.

I can’t remember my exact words during these few minutes in private with her but what I was basically doing was explaining some simple intuitions I had picked up about her during our limited interaction so far. This is something I’ve become very good at from years of studying social psychology and it is a lot more casual than it sounds.

I was enjoying getting to know Emma a bit better and for a brief moment her celebrity status had been washed away. It felt like I was getting to know the real her, beyond what the cameras see.

“You’re actually really cool and it would be great to keep in touch. Hand me your phone a second.”

Emma complied and I dialled my number from her phone so that I also had her number. I could feel my friends’ stares burning on the back of my head from across the bar and I was conscious of not outstaying my welcome, so we rejoined Emma’s entourage and I prepared to say my goodbyes, however I didn’t get quite as far as that…

Avada Kedavra – The interaction takes a turn for the worse:

Craig was a quiet but pleasant guy with blonde, shaggy hair. I had been introduced to him at the beginning of the night, several hours ago, but had barely spoken to him since then. This is what made the next few moments even more of a surprise.

As I was wrapping up my meeting with my new friends, out of nowhere came an inebriated bellow, “Sam, is that Emma Watson!!” Before I had a chance to respond, Craig was alongside me awkwardly clinging to Emma’s midriff, whilst bouncing up and down chanting “oh my word, it is you!”

As amusing as this scene must have looked to everyone around us, I could sense the instant unease amongst Emma and her friends, so I decided the best course of action was to politely drag my acquaintance away.

As we headed back to our friends, Craig seemed blissfully unaware of his social faux pas and was still noticeably excited that we had a celebrity in our presence.

Reparo – The aftermath:

I rejoined my friends and was hit with a barrage of questions about everything we had talked about. I dismissed Craig’s little cameo from my mind… I had Emma’s phone number after all, so I could speak to her again regardless.

I continued with our jovial night out and hadn’t noticed that Craig had slunk off from our party. Several minutes later, Craig appears before me with a beaming smile, “Sam you’re going to love me.”

He continued, “I went back to Emma and told her it was your birthday. I said that you were a massive Harry Potter fan but you were too shy to ask for her autograph. Here, I got this for you.”

He proudly presented me with a crumpled napkin like a king being bestowed his crown for the first time. I unfolded the napkin to reveal a scrawled message written and signed by Emma Watson.

I glanced over and saw Emma and her friends leaving the bar. Craig had unwittingly transformed me from a cool guy she had met randomly… into another obsessed fan of hers! Perhaps she didn’t believe Craig’s revelation (it certainly was not congruent with how I had been behaving) but even so, I knew my chances of having a wealthy, celebrity friend had just taken a dramatic nosedive…

Much love,

Sam

Email this post

Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

People often confuse shyness with having an introvert personality and some even think that overcoming either of these is an insurmountable challenge. This is not the case.

This article will explain how shyness isn’t necessarily a bad thing and provide some tips on how to overcome it. I will relate it to my own experiences of going from notably shy and reserved in my youth, to confident and comfortable in any social scenario…

Introvert and extrovert personality types:

Most people lean towards one of two personality types, introvert or extrovert, and you can be equally shy in either case.

There are many misconceptions as to what exactly an introvert is. People often mistakenly think of an introvert as a social recluse, one who despises and avoids social interaction wherever possible.

An introvert is simply someone who draws their energy, thoughts and feelings from their inner world and is decidedly selective in their social endeavours.

An extrovert is typically more gregarious, outspoken and consistently fond of the company of others.

It is a combination of these contrasting traits that gives the impression that an introvert is also shy by default.

The difference between being an introvert and being shy:

The terms “introvert” and “shy” often get used interchangeably but there is a key distinction between the two.

Shyness is a learnt behaviour formed from beliefs and experiences, usually during childhood. In a general sense, shyness is a fear of social interactions. In comparison, introversion is merely an internal preference towards social interactions.

One of the main barriers to overcoming shyness is being labelled, by others and also by ourselves. Constantly reaffirming that you are “shy” only validates the associated beliefs and behaviours, especially when faced with a social situation where that shyness is a conscious hindrance.

Due to the social stigma against introversion and shyness, I generally recommend against purposefully stating that you are “shy”. If you embrace the way you are without using it as a restriction, you can take small steps over time to change the aspects that are undesirable to you.

Going from shy to sociable:

This is exactly how I overcame the shyness I possessed. I made small, manageable and conscious steps as often as possible, starting with talking to strangers regularly and getting more involved at social gatherings. As experience and confidence grows, shyness becomes something that you are completely in control of: you can choose when and with whom to interact with, regardless of whether you are an introvert or an extrovert.

Even now I would class myself as leaning towards the introvert side of the personality scale. I enjoy meeting people, making friends and interacting with others but I also enjoy my own quiet time and I am not particularly brazen in social environments. This can sometimes be viewed as shyness to outsiders and that’s fine.

This may seem rather surprising for someone who has worked predominantly as a dating coach for so many years and indeed I do have a style that is unique and renowned amongst fellow relationship and dating coaches.

Your personality type does not have to directly affect your dating life and relationships; it will just modify your approach to them!

Fear and ego in shyness:

It is counter-intuitive to think of the ego as something associated with shyness but that is actually what it is. Shyness is an ego-protection mechanism born out of fear and presumption.

Another term that describes this internal struggle is outcome dependence. Outcome dependence as described here is the fear of repercussions as a result of specific social interactions. If you want to be fully comfortable and confident in any social interaction, as well as being able to approach and start a conversation with anyone that you choose to, then you must start refraining from assuming, pre-empting or hoping for a specific outcome. Try to be in the moment whenever possible.

An article that discusses this aspect of shyness and how to establish a proactive mindset towards being less shy is the popular article, ‘Dealing with approach anxiety’.

Working with your shyness:

You can be shy and still have adept social skills; you just have to work to your strengths.

For example, whenever I attend a party or other social venue, I am much more interested in connecting with a chosen few, rather than be seen as a raucous socialite. I would rather make a deep and lasting impression with one person than be casually remembered by everyone.

If you are shy, forget about the big picture and how you appear to everyone else and start by becoming more confident talking to less threatening or domineering people. It actually makes the other person value the interaction if they assume you are shy but you have started to get to know each other anyway.

Once you start making sincere connections with even a few people, it doesn’t take long for that to transpire into your social life in general, as well as becoming more pragmatic in developing fulfilling relationships.

Being a storyteller and being a good listener:

Storytelling is something that is touted as being essential to creating attraction and lasting memories with the people you meet. Whilst I acknowledge that being able to hold and engage a group with a story is a great skill to have, it is not as imperative as some people make out.

I am not the greatest storyteller. Yes I do have lots of stories but I tend to keep them short and interactive, rather than long and emotive. I much prefer encouraging others to tell their stories and to interact through those. If you are shy you can probably relate to this.

The most important thing is to learn to be socially aware, so that you can sense when someone is feeling awkward or uneasy. This will only be perfected through experience. Small talk and other related social norms were created for this very reason. The last thing you want is for people to misinterpret any shyness you have as disinterest or rudeness, so use simple conversation pieces to lead into more meaningful rapport at a later stage.

Listening intently and encouraging others to talk whilst showing full interest is an easy first step to overcoming shyness.

I hope this article has been useful and interesting and I’d love to hear from anyone who feels that they are an introvert, an extrovert or particularly shy, or if you have had to deal with shyness in the past. Please leave a comment in the provided section below if you have anything to share or ask.

Much love,

Sam

Email this post

Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

This article will discuss some tips for having an incredible first date, which paves the way for whatever sort of relationship you are looking for. I will also answer some common first date questions throughout. Feel free to add your own experiences in the comments section at the bottom of this article…

The best attitude to have on a first date:

Most people’s downfall when arranging or actually going on a first date with someone new is putting far too much pressure and outcome dependence on what might happen.

As I’ve said in the past, I’ve always found it useful to think of a date as “hanging out with someone” rather than with any romantic implications. The more informal and casual you make the date sound when discussing plans, the more relaxed the other person will feel about the whole event.

How to act on a first date:

The first few minutes of a date often determines how the rest of it will go and how at ease everyone feels. The absolute worst thing to occur is an awkward silence or a sense of unfamiliarity when you first meet.

What I often used to do when I first met a woman for a date was give her a big overly-enthusiastic hug, as it immediately gets her in a fun state as well as breaking any physical reservations immediately. Even more important though is to smile genuinely and to start talking and interacting straight away.

As for gestures and actions, I always advocate being gentlemanly and polite but never submissive.

Remember that the purpose of a date is to get to know each other; there are obviously fun and boring ways to go about this. You want to ask lots of questions although never making it seem like an interview. If you struggle to come up with interesting questions, statements and stories then I actually have several ‘games’ you can play on a date that achieve this that I am happy to share by request.

Who should pay on a first date?

A lot of guys still worry about who should pay on a first date as it does indeed set a precedent for any relationship thereafter.

As with most things related to dating, something is only an issue if you make it an issue! Even so, there are still a lot of assumptions that people have about who should pay on a date.

A great way to diffuse any awkwardness over who should pay is to casually address the situation before it crops up. An example of what I used to say is something like, “I’ll get these drinks and you can get the ice-creams later.”

If you have the money and you are happy to pay then by all means do so, as long as it isn’t forced or obligatory. The only thing to remember is that roles such as this are a lot harder to change down the line than set out at the beginning of a relationship… If you don’t want to pay for everything if a relationship does develop then don’t pay for everything whilst dating!

Getting physical on a first date:

Following on from my suggestion of greeting your date with a hug, you want to go through the date with a smooth progression of physical touch. This begins with social touch (touching areas of the body like the shoulders and forearms) to more romantic touch such as hand-holding and prolonged contact. The key is to have a smooth escalation of all these different types of touch right from the beginning so that there are never any awkward jumps in levels of intimacy.

Kissing is really just another stage on this scale, somewhere between romantic touch and sexual touch.

This should answer the question about when to kiss on a first date: the answer being once your date is comfortable with romantic touch (touching areas such as the hands, legs and face).

Where to go on a first date:

One of my very first articles on Sparklife.info was an article titled ‘The perfect first date’, which described what I believe is the best first date. I shall paraphrase some of that information here.

Cliché dates such as going to the cinema or going to dinner may well be enjoyable but they don’t allow the best opportunity for two people to connect and engage with each other.

A far better alternative is to arrange something quick, easy, low-commitment, casual and fun. This can be simply going for a drink together or perhaps meeting in a town centre or shopping mall for a bit. The activity shouldn’t have to be the source of fun… you should be!

You will also get far less flakes or rejections on dates such as these as there is far less pressure and expectation for a potential relationship.

Some final first date tips:

The main thing on a first date is to have fun and not worry about any eventual outcome for now. Every date is a learning experience.

Don’t hesitate to go on lots of dates and never pre-empt someone being ‘the one’ before you have really got to know them.

Please leave a comment or share this article if you enjoyed it.

Much love,

Sam

Email this post

Related posts:

1. Movies to watch on a date
2. The perfect first date

Internal beliefs are generally constructed through life experience, from infancy onwards… If you experience positive messages and attention from others, you will generally have a lot more self-belief and confidence by default than if you rarely receive validation of that sort.

Conveyed personality is an extension of that inner confidence and is basically how we come across to other people, including first impressions and social skills.

Internal beliefs and conveyed personality are closely correlated, with each one directly affecting the other. This means that by improving one aspect of these attraction variables, you proportionally improve the other.

This article is going to focus on the latter of these two variables, with the intention being that by paying attention to certain aspects of your personality, you can increase how attractive other people perceive you. This will in turn improve several internal beliefs.

Note that this article is not implying that you change your core personality, more that it is suggesting ways to CONVEY your personality in the best way. Also remember that attraction doesn’t stop when you’re in a relationship… presumably you want to remain attractive throughout your relationships too!

Without further ado, here are three steps to being more attractive…

1.) Being unreactive

Every single example of social human interaction is either a bid for connection or an attempt to get a reaction out of the recipient… If someone tells a joke, they are intending to get laughter in response and if someone is being threatening, they are intending to get fear and cooperation as a response!

It is easy to misconstrue exactly what being unreactive means in the context of being more attractive. Being unreactive is not about being an emotionless robot, void of being able to make a genuine emotional connection with. It simply means that if someone TRIES to get a reaction out of you, you are in complete, conscious control of how you react to it.

If someone is making a mutual and positive bid for rapport then the whole concept of being unreactive is largely redundant. It is when someone is making a measured attempt to test your confidence and self-belief, something that almost everyone does subconsciously, that this concept really becomes useful.

A recent article that discusses some logistics related to being unreactive is called ‘Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory’. The important thing to remember though is that negative emotions are created internally… It’s an advanced skill to develop but no one can actually MAKE you feel a negative emotion! Learn to stay positive, calm and happy regardless of what anyone says to you and you will have the basis for attracting even the most testing and ‘high value’ men and women.

2.) Being playful

This step is primarily for the ‘nice guys’ and the female counterparts who don’t know the best way to act around the opposite sex. The ultimate strategy of a nice guy regarding attraction is to play it safe and ask boring, rapport-seeking questions immediately after meeting a woman. Although this can occasionally work depending on the individual woman and the context of the interaction, it deprives a woman of the essence of what attraction really is!

The concept of being playful comes under many guises such as flirting or teasing but what it essentially is, is being FUN!

If you are interacting with a man or woman that you are attracted to, you want to be making them smile and you want to be conveying your interest in a way that isn’t disrespectful or seedy. Most nice guys (and women) hide their intentions and interest altogether!

The way I ultimately sum up being playful and being good at flirting is:

“saying something mean in a nice way”

This is always with the express intention of making someone feel good. If no one is smiling or responding to your playfulness positively, then you’re doing it wrong!

I have literally hundreds of examples and practical ways to be more playful but what is important here is that during the attraction phases of developing a relationship, playful and fun is far better than safe and serious!

Learning to be more playful and speak the language of the opposite sex was what essentially turned me from being a nice guy… into being a nice guy who was attractive!

3.) Leading

Both men and women can benefit from being more decisive, direct and leading. The roles of men and women in society suggest that it is the male who must take the initiative regarding relationship progression. Regardless of gender though, the important thing is that any specific interaction is actually progressing in whatever way is mutually desired.

A romantic relationship is only ever going to develop if someone is leading the escalation of both emotional and physical intimacy. Aside from this fact, from a woman’s perspective, being a dominant, self-assured and leading man is inherently attractive!

There are obviously many more factors and intricacies involving attraction but the three listed above are what I believe to be the three core components in attracting and progressing relationships.

A lot of the success is in calibrating how and when to balance these three concepts and that will only come with real life experience. Remember not to hide your true personality but equally, try not to let negative internal beliefs determine what that true personality is!

Much love,

Sam

Email this post

Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

The truth is that compatibility is created and we can learn to be compatible with just about anyone.

It is the art of connecting with someone that we base this compatibility supposition on: some people connect with each other far more naturally than others, which is generally how we get into romantic relationships.

It is for this reason, that when a couple come to me, adamant on staying together and working on their relationship, that helping them to connect with each other is the number one priority. If you can positively connect with someone (and I will explain what I mean by positively connecting in this article) then the basis of a fulfilling relationship is already there…

Frame theory in relationships and other interactions:

To segue from meeting someone to building a solid relationship with them, an understanding of the fundamental changes in how to connect and interact effectively at each stage is vital. One way to define these interactions is using ‘frame theory’.

‘Frame’, in the context described here, is a term derived from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as a way to analyse human interactions. I have come to define it as ‘the underlying meaning or assumptions of an interaction’. When described like this, it is clear that it is a highly useful concept to understand within romantic relationships.

At a simplistic level, there are two types of ‘frame’: strong frames and weak frames. A strong frame represents someone who is dominant, confident and self-assured, whereas a weak frame represents someone who is submissive, affectionate and overly apologetic. It is common for people to become accustomed solely to one of these types during early social-development.

The problem with frame theory is that its importance and distinction at different stages of developing a relationship varies considerably.

When learning principles of attraction and how to meet people, it is important to understand how to adopt a strong frame that portrays universally attractive traits such as leadership, dominance and all-round confidence. [Related article: This concept is the basis of the behavioural traits outlined in the article ‘Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance’]

Most men naturally develop a strong frame as required in this instance; unfortunately, that strong frame is often based around negative beliefs! The conjecture here is that even if a strong frame contains negative beliefs, ANY strong frame subdues a weak frame.

An example of this in practice is when a man approaches a woman with deep-rooted, negative beliefs, such as:

• Women are intimidating
• Approaching strangers is weird and rude
• I won’t be her type
• I will have to act in a predetermined, unnatural way

With overpowering beliefs like this, it is almost as counterproductive as simply having a weak frame and meekly interacting with women, with the hope that they will do all the hard work and spend the time getting to know you and like you regardless.

Men who get good at attracting women become excellent at leading interactions and flipping any negative frames that are imposed upon them. For example, if a woman tries to test or oppose a man’s apparent confidence, he will know how to turn it around with a stronger frame of his own.

The problem is that this is only applicable in the beginning stages of a relationship. If you carry on with this attitude and setup as a relationship progresses, you will come across as aloof, or worse, insecure! This is the reason why a number of dating coaches I have worked with in the past find it extremely difficult to maintain long-lasting, fulfilling relationships. They are great at attracting women and building the foundations of a relationship but then find it hard to shift their attitude towards the relationship at the correct moment.

Creating a frame of unity in a relationship:

When a relationship becomes mutual, monogamous and loving, the individual frames that we present will become clouded as we start to feel truly connected. This will happen naturally as a couple bond with each other and become comfortable in the relationship. However, even if this is the case, the ingrained attitudes are rarely shifted internally and this inevitably causes problems further into the relationship.

The only way to feel truly connected to your partner is to create a sincere emotional interdependence, where there is no longer a power shift between any of your interactions and hence you create a frame of unity.

This doesn’t mean that you should never disagree or have individual roles in a relationship, but that the underlying assumptions of any of your interactions are always that of mutuality and respect. The recent article ‘Compromising in a relationship’ touches on this dynamic from a slightly different angle.

Every single interaction and emotional request in a relationship is a chance to connect and the most fulfilling outcome in any example is always the one that makes a couple feel connected the most. This is regardless of whether the outcome or decision was the best one in practice or not. This affinity is not necessarily ideal in other interactions in life and that is where people can get confused. Connecting with a romantic partner is different from connecting with anyone else because it is based around intimacy.

It is impossible to positively connect with someone in terms of intimate rapport whilst having conflicting frames, whilst on the other hand, if you have a joint frame of unity, you will ALWAYS connect positively, regardless of any real life content.

Much love,

Sam

Email this post

Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

Approach anxiety is the manifestation of a number of physiological and emotional symptoms we get when we decide to actively meet a stranger. The time where this is most significant (which is also what makes it highly relevant to the topics on this website) is when thinking about approaching someone we are attracted to.

Humans are social creatures and we live in a sophisticated world of several billion people, yet there are still common scenarios where we find it abnormal to approach a fellow human being and instinctual responses take over our logical desires in those moments.

There are probably a few naturally confident men and women, socialised at an early age, who are reading this and cannot relate to this feeling of approach anxiety. For the rest of us, I’m sure you can think of a time where you really wanted to meet someone, perhaps someone you are physically attracted to, and approach anxiety kicked in; else, you simply dismiss the idea of actively meeting people in this way altogether.

I’ve yet to meet someone, regardless of situation or relationship status that hasn’t had their lives enriched by learning to meet more people or overcome their anxieties. This article will explain where approach anxiety comes from and then detail a simple three-step method for overcoming it…

Where does approach anxiety come from?

There are many theories about where approach anxiety comes from but my own research shows it is a combination of learnt behaviour, evolutionary traits and cultural norms. These three causes can be broken down loosely to a fear of strangers, a fear of danger and a fear of rejection respectively.

Fear of strangers:

It’s a big generalisation but there is definitely a correlation between people who have strong and confident parental figures and people who have anxieties by default. ALL behaviour is learnt and obviously our parents play a large role in where we learn the bulk of that behaviour from initially.

Approaching strangers is, for all intents and purposes, not ‘normal’, and so we learn from society around us whilst growing up that we shouldn’t do it.

Fear of danger:

Whilst related to a fear of strangers, the fear of danger relates to the possibility that you will in some way be harmed if you approach the wrong person. Obviously this is largely redundant in modern society. Psychologists believe this feeling is an evolved yet outdated emotion originating from when we lived within tribal civilisations and interactions with unfamiliar folk could actually pose a real threat of danger.

The physiological manifestations of an anxiety like the one we are discussing are actually inbuilt mechanisms to prepare for danger of this sort: tensing of muscles, increased heart-rate/blood-flow and perspiration to name a few. These are all wholly unnecessary in this day and age but also difficult to control in an instant.

Fear of rejection:

Anxieties can be described as compound emotions with several subsets, namely fear and vanity. The fear is that a given outcome will be out of our control and the vanity is that our self-image will be tarnished.

It is normally people at either end of the spectrum who struggle most with this fear of rejection. People with a high self-image, egotistical or verging on arrogant, will feel this fear of rejection as an ego-protection mechanism. Similarly, people with a low self-image will also want to protect their ego in this way as a means of damage limitation. Not doing something is often less painful than admitting that you can’t do something in some instances.

Both of these examples stem from having too much outcome dependence on the situation. If you get rejected and have outcome dependence it will reinforce the anxiety. On the other hand, if you don’t have outcome dependence then by definition you can’t get rejected and the anxiety is treated by our brains as a learning process.

How to deal with approach anxiety:

Unfortunately, like all anxieties, there is not an instantaneous cure for approach anxiety (my job would certainly be a lot easier if there was) but there are ways to slowly ease our way out of it. Like any learnt behaviour, it is the reinforcing of habits that teach us to act in a certain way in the first place so understanding and relearning these habits is the only way to overcome them. Below is a three-step method for overcoming approach anxiety:

Accept  Reject  Act

Accept that you have this anxiety:

If you fully accept that you have approach anxiety and want to deal with it, you are one step closer to making the commitment to actually change it.

Reject any limiting beliefs:

Every plausible excuse you can think of for not approaching someone that you would like to is merely a limiting belief, regardless of the specific situation. These range from “The timing/situation isn’t right” to the most popular one, “I don’t know what to say”. Everyone knows that you can just say “hi” so it is not literally having nothing to say, it’s a limiting belief that you THINK you have nothing worthwhile to say! Reject any excuses and don’t pre-empt what people will think of you.

Action alleviates anxiety over time:

It was many years ago now but I still vividly remember the first time I plucked up the courage to purposefully approach an attractive woman that I had no prior acquaintance to. I was shaking like a leaf and was already envisaging her slapping me square across the face or equivalent. Ten minutes later after I had excused myself from our friendly exchange I felt foolish that I was ever worried, and this is exactly the same reaction I get from the students I work with in a dating coaching format.

It’s all very well being told that something is ok but it is only when we actually experience it firsthand that we start to condition ourselves to be comfortable with the situation.

These days, meeting people has become such an ingrained ability within me that wherever I am I find myself meeting new people without even consciously deciding to. It wasn’t without following the above three-step process though:

Accept  Reject  Act

I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes from hockey star Wayne Gretzky that relates perfectly to proactive dating: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take!”

Much love,

Sam

Email this post

Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

The following complimenting challenge takes very little time out of your daily routine (in fact it is incorporated directly into it) and will have a profound effect on both your dating life and your relationships…

The complimenting challenge for singles:

The complimenting challenge for singles is to, whilst going about your daily business, compliment at least one stranger each day without any agenda.

The more creative you can be with your compliments the better. I would actually advise against complimenting on physical attributes. It takes a great degree of social proficiency to deliver a generic compliment such as one about looks without sounding rapport-seeking. Instead, compliment on something that is unique to them such as an interesting accessory they are wearing or if you witness them doing something admirable. Say your compliment with a smile and then leave without expecting any response. I’ve done this a countless amount of times over the years and you’ll be amazed at how many people stop you from leaving and thank you sincerely.

A lot of people struggle with approaching strangers or sparking up conversations with them because of a fear of rejection. The beauty of this challenge is that because you have no agenda, no outcome dependence and are not intending to start a conversation, you can’t actually be rejected! Anything that happens beyond that is a completely unintentional bonus and pretty soon after doing this challenge you will realise just how friendly and approachable most people are!

The complimenting challenge for couples:

Whilst I would still recommend implementing the above actions into your life even if you are in a relationship, as it characterises a sociable and positive person, the extension of the complimenting challenge for couples is aimed directly at appreciating your girlfriend or boyfriend.

A lot of people can start to take things for granted regarding their partner as the relationship progresses and although most people are extremely complimentary at the beginning of a relationship, these acts can often get phased out as a couple become overly familiar with each other.

The complimenting challenge for couples is to start to make an effort to appreciate the daily things that your partner does that might usually go unnoticed; the things they do for you and the effort they make.

Not only will this add towards the relationship being continually positive and happy but you will actually find that your partner starts doing MORE of these things. Emotions are contagious and the more you compliment your partner on even the smallest things, the more they will want to continue to do them without complaint.

Summary:

The complimenting challenge is to give at least one compliment each day whether it is to a stranger or your other half and then post your experiences in the comments section below…

Much love,

Sam

PS: To all the people on here who follow me on twitter (@sparklife) I want to thank you very much. I recently surpassed 10,000 followers on there and it is mindboggling to think that so many people are interested in reading my daily updates and ramblings!

Email this post

Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

Attractive people in relationships:

One of the saddest aspects of relationships is that they can turn even the most attractive person into their antithesis over time. Have you ever had a friend who has suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth after getting into a serious relationship? Or, have you ever come out of a long relationship only to feel clueless as to how to succeed in the dating world again? Both of these questions are answered by analysing the contrasting mindsets between people in relationships and those same people when they are not in a relationship.

Meeting new people whilst in a relationship:

Regarding approaching other women whilst in a relationship, the significance is in the meaning you derive from the phrase ‘approach other women’. The reason why both men and women would instinctively scoff at the notion of approaching other people whilst in a relationship is because of the preconditioned view that approaching someone of the opposite sex always comes with ambiguous intention. This is one of the fundamental flaws in modern-day dating culture.

Change your dating mindset:

The reason why men and women get anxiety about either approaching someone of the opposite sex or going on a date with someone new is because they put so much dependence on the outcome of the interaction or meeting. They are viewing it through the ‘dating mindset’ rather than the ‘social mindset’ and so questions such as “will they like me?” and “am I going to impress them?” are what goes through the mind rather than the more important question, “does this person have the traits, qualities and connection I am looking for?”

There’s this whole supposition that in order to attract someone you are interested in you have to actively BUILD attraction with that person. If you think or act in this way then you will always be deeply dependent on the outcome of any interaction however hard you try to hide it. There is also the risk of becoming morally objectionable or socially manipulative.

The alternative mindset (and one that will carry over into having fulfilling relationships) is to work on being consistently attractive by default. This includes living an attractive lifestyle, learning attractive conversational skills and then as a consequence ‘building attraction’ with EVERYONE that you meet, male or female. What you should be striving for if you want the best chance in your dating life and your relationships is to develop an unconscious competence in social interactions across the board.

Changing your mindset and approach in this way will also have a massively positive impact on your personal standards regarding a partner. If you’re just looking for random flings and casual dating then it may not be so applicable but if you want to find someone that you can ultimately fall in love with then you want to get away from the generic dating mindset. When you meet someone who does start ticking boxes, you will be far more genuine in the conveyance of your attraction towards them if you wait for them to show traits that really attract you rather than physical attractiveness being enough.

Summary:

To summarise the key points in this article:

• Work on being attractive as a whole rather than having to build attraction with specific people.
• Treat meeting people, regardless of gender, simply as a social activity to alleviate any outcome dependence or cognitive dissonance.

So whilst I may very well approach other women, you will equally find me approaching other men too, as it makes me a more rounded, sociable and attractive person. So to answer the original question, “does Heidi mind that I approach other women?”… Well, only if she minds me meeting people in general!

Much love,

Sam

Email this post

Related posts:

1. The most important principle in dating

It is typically more common for men to find themselves in situations regarding the friend zone, as women generally have more dating options available to them and as a consequence can differentiate between emotional attachment and sexual attraction more easily. In fact, of my male clients, a fairly high percentage come to me directly from the situation that there is someone specific who they want to win over. My advice to those people is usually the same: in order to get one woman, you have to be able to get ALL women!

This article is going to dissect the psychology behind having romantic feelings for a friend before describing the only reliable techniques to starting a relationship with someone who you are firmly in the ‘friend zone’ with…

The reason why you are in the friend zone:

Romantic relationships form through the distinct progression of several different stages, namely attraction and rapport. Someone who finds themselves strictly in the friend zone has generally skipped the attraction phases and has instead created deep rapport with this person. Deep rapport refers to being comfortable talking in depth with someone about meaningful or personal topics. The opposite of deep rapport is wide rapport, which is talking about a variety of topics in a casual and informal way. Although wide rapport is also a sign of friendship, attraction can be created through these methods too. It is specifically deep rapport prior to any sexual attraction or physical escalation that will triumphantly lump you in the friend zone!

To distinguish this muddled order of the phases of relationship progression more clearly, someone will be in the friend zone because they have failed to successfully escalate the relationship at certain points, namely in the physical sense. Although making physical advances on women is a common anxiety for men, women often have the same issue but from a different cause. For women it is primarily the result of modern-day social conditioning that states women should play a more passive role towards dating, with the male making most of the ‘moves’ and advances.

If a certain window of opportunity has passed by with nothing being said or done to communicate a romantic interest, then friendship will always be implied!

Why do you want to get out of the friend zone?

If you acknowledge that you are in the friend zone and you really do feel infatuated with one specific person, before I reveal a few methods for turning things around there are a number of concepts worth thinking about first.

First is to make sure that this isn’t a case of dating avoidance. Turning a friendship (one where you are already comfortable with each other and enjoy one another’s company) into a relationship may simply seem easier than the alternative but is that reason enough? I advocate a proactive approach to dating but putting yourself out there, developing adept social skills and then embarking on the arduous task of finding the partner you really want is a tough thing to do. It is also time-consuming for someone who wants to be in a relationship NOW and wants to spend their time on other aspects of life. For some people it is not only easier to date a friend but it is also less painful than dealing with the rejections that a proactive dating life can entail.

More often than not though, infatuation with a friend signifies a lack of options in the dating world. Be honest with yourself as to whether it really is the person you are attracted to and not just the opportunity. Revealing interest in a friend or starting to date one WILL change your relationship, so be honest with your situation and desires before proceeding.

How to get out of the friend zone:

The truth is that getting out of the friend zone is a particularly tricky thing to do and the mutual respect in trying to do so is questionable. As I stated in the introduction, in order to get one woman you have to be able to get ALL women (the same is true for women regarding attracting men too). What I mean by this statement is that there was a fundamental reason why your relationship with the person you like advanced down the route of friendship rather than anything else. In order to turn things around you have to ultimately change the whole basis of your relationship.

There are many real-world examples of couples who were originally friends before becoming lovers. If these relationships don’t stem from the methods I am about to describe then they have developed from a temporary insecurity or emotional vulnerability in the less amenable of the two people. Although there is nothing wrong with a fulfilling relationship blossoming this way, you don’t want to be sitting around waiting for that unlikely opportunity.

The easiest way to start to get someone interested in you romantically and sexually is to start to show the more attractive sides of your personality rather than the affectionate sides and to also be willing to break rapport and very slowly become more physically intimate. Obviously there are respectful ways to do all this as well as disrespectful ways and of course you want to be doing the former. An article that will give you some idea of the required shift in attitude can be found here: ‘Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance’.

The best way to practice having a more attractive presence though, which will also be the healthiest method for your psyche, is to remove your feelings from the situation completely and practice attracting OTHER people as part of a more proactive dating life. You may just find that if you’re meeting other people, it could be best to remain friends after all…

Much love,

Sam

Email this post

Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

The ‘nice guy’ is a common term that gets casually thrown around the dating scene. It describes a guy who may very well have lots of female friends, yet at the same time finds it hard to specifically convert that friendship into romantic interest with the women that they want. Ironically, women are actually looking for someone with the very qualities that the nice guys possess, yet in popular culture women always seem to be attracted to the ‘bad boys’… Why is that?

This article is going to specifically break down the difference between these two contrasting behaviour types before explaining how you can attract the women that you desire whilst still being a ‘nice guy’…

The difference between nice guys and bad boys:

Women are generally very good at describing what they want their ideal partner to be like and they will readily list off a number of qualities that nice guys typically possess: loyal, trustworthy, reliable etc. The problem is that in these circumstances women are thinking in terms of someone they could experience a long and fulfilling relationship with, not someone who is going to subconsciously attract them when they first meet. This is the first cause for why men are sometimes confused as to what women really look for in a man.

A bad boy typically has the reverse situation whereby he does display the qualities of an attractive male, yet doesn’t desire or fails to understand how to treat women when in a committed, long-term relationship.

Below is a comparative list of affectionate behaviour that is typical of a nice guy and then its attractive counterpart. As you go through the list, whether you are male or female, have a think about which category you fit into so you can decipher how your romantic interests currently perceive you:

Affectionate person                    Attractive person

Showering with compliments  Compliments only when deserving

Worried about hurting feelings  Teases about deficiencies

Always buying gifts  Plans surprises

Being predictable  Being spontaneous

Watching what you say  Saying what you think

Self-conscious  Self-assured

Clingy behaviour  Willingness to walk away

Always on hand  Leads a busy and fulfilling life

Listens to problems  Changes emotions

Being reliable  Being unpredictable

Needy behaviour  Self-sufficient

Finding the perfect balance:

Perhaps you’ve read through the above list and found yourself falling solely into either the affectionate category or the attractive category, or perhaps you can’t place yourself in either category for some of the statements. Either way, there are precise times in dating and relationships where it is best to display your personality using some of the methods from the affectionate side of the list. Likewise, there are other times where it is best to display your personality using some of the methods from the attractive side of the list.

At a most basic level, an attractive person will GET the girl whereas an affectionate person will KEEP the girl. The ultimate is an amalgamation of both affectionate AND attractive and the skill is in calibrating your personality so that you know when it is best to act more affectionate and when it is best to act more attractive. This is an ongoing process from first meeting a woman you are attracted to, right through to having a long-term relationship together.

None of the terms in the above list are inherently bad… they just all have a unique time in the progression of a relationship where they are preferential. Every relationship progresses at a different rate so it would be exhaustive to list where each of the behaviour traits will be suitable. If you keep in mind what will come across as attractive and what will come across as affectionate using some of the ideas listed above then it shouldn’t be too hard to distinguish when each type should be adopted for yourself:

• If you sense a lack of attraction in your relationship (or if you have just met someone and want to attract them in the first place) then think about conveying your personality using the attractive traits listed.
• If you sense a lack of intimacy in your relationship then think about conveying your personality using some of the affectionate traits listed.

I hope some of this has been useful thinking for you and as always I would love to hear your opinions in the comments section below!

Much love,

Sam

Email this post

Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.