Internal beliefs are generally constructed through life experience, from infancy onwards… If you experience positive messages and attention from others, you will generally have a lot more self-belief and confidence by default than if you rarely receive validation of that sort.

Conveyed personality is an extension of that inner confidence and is basically how we come across to other people, including first impressions and social skills.

Internal beliefs and conveyed personality are closely correlated, with each one directly affecting the other. This means that by improving one aspect of these attraction variables, you proportionally improve the other.

This article is going to focus on the latter of these two variables, with the intention being that by paying attention to certain aspects of your personality, you can increase how attractive other people perceive you. This will in turn improve several internal beliefs.

Note that this article is not implying that you change your core personality, more that it is suggesting ways to CONVEY your personality in the best way. Also remember that attraction doesn’t stop when you’re in a relationship… presumably you want to remain attractive throughout your relationships too!

Without further ado, here are three steps to being more attractive…

1.) Being unreactive

Every single example of social human interaction is either a bid for connection or an attempt to get a reaction out of the recipient… If someone tells a joke, they are intending to get laughter in response and if someone is being threatening, they are intending to get fear and cooperation as a response!

It is easy to misconstrue exactly what being unreactive means in the context of being more attractive. Being unreactive is not about being an emotionless robot, void of being able to make a genuine emotional connection with. It simply means that if someone TRIES to get a reaction out of you, you are in complete, conscious control of how you react to it.

If someone is making a mutual and positive bid for rapport then the whole concept of being unreactive is largely redundant. It is when someone is making a measured attempt to test your confidence and self-belief, something that almost everyone does subconsciously, that this concept really becomes useful.

A recent article that discusses some logistics related to being unreactive is called ‘Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory’. The important thing to remember though is that negative emotions are created internally… It’s an advanced skill to develop but no one can actually MAKE you feel a negative emotion! Learn to stay positive, calm and happy regardless of what anyone says to you and you will have the basis for attracting even the most testing and ‘high value’ men and women.

2.) Being playful

This step is primarily for the ‘nice guys’ and the female counterparts who don’t know the best way to act around the opposite sex. The ultimate strategy of a nice guy regarding attraction is to play it safe and ask boring, rapport-seeking questions immediately after meeting a woman. Although this can occasionally work depending on the individual woman and the context of the interaction, it deprives a woman of the essence of what attraction really is!

The concept of being playful comes under many guises such as flirting or teasing but what it essentially is, is being FUN!

If you are interacting with a man or woman that you are attracted to, you want to be making them smile and you want to be conveying your interest in a way that isn’t disrespectful or seedy. Most nice guys (and women) hide their intentions and interest altogether!

The way I ultimately sum up being playful and being good at flirting is:

“saying something mean in a nice way”

This is always with the express intention of making someone feel good. If no one is smiling or responding to your playfulness positively, then you’re doing it wrong!

I have literally hundreds of examples and practical ways to be more playful but what is important here is that during the attraction phases of developing a relationship, playful and fun is far better than safe and serious!

Learning to be more playful and speak the language of the opposite sex was what essentially turned me from being a nice guy… into being a nice guy who was attractive!

3.) Leading

Both men and women can benefit from being more decisive, direct and leading. The roles of men and women in society suggest that it is the male who must take the initiative regarding relationship progression. Regardless of gender though, the important thing is that any specific interaction is actually progressing in whatever way is mutually desired.

A romantic relationship is only ever going to develop if someone is leading the escalation of both emotional and physical intimacy. Aside from this fact, from a woman’s perspective, being a dominant, self-assured and leading man is inherently attractive!

There are obviously many more factors and intricacies involving attraction but the three listed above are what I believe to be the three core components in attracting and progressing relationships.

A lot of the success is in calibrating how and when to balance these three concepts and that will only come with real life experience. Remember not to hide your true personality but equally, try not to let negative internal beliefs determine what that true personality is!

Much love,

Sam

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1. Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory

The truth is that compatibility is created and we can learn to be compatible with just about anyone.

It is the art of connecting with someone that we base this compatibility supposition on: some people connect with each other far more naturally than others, which is generally how we get into romantic relationships.

It is for this reason, that when a couple come to me, adamant on staying together and working on their relationship, that helping them to connect with each other is the number one priority. If you can positively connect with someone (and I will explain what I mean by positively connecting in this article) then the basis of a fulfilling relationship is already there…

Frame theory in relationships and other interactions:

To segue from meeting someone to building a solid relationship with them, an understanding of the fundamental changes in how to connect and interact effectively at each stage is vital. One way to define these interactions is using ‘frame theory’.

‘Frame’, in the context described here, is a term derived from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as a way to analyse human interactions. I have come to define it as ‘the underlying meaning or assumptions of an interaction’. When described like this, it is clear that it is a highly useful concept to understand within romantic relationships.

At a simplistic level, there are two types of ‘frame’: strong frames and weak frames. A strong frame represents someone who is dominant, confident and self-assured, whereas a weak frame represents someone who is submissive, affectionate and overly apologetic. It is common for people to become accustomed solely to one of these types during early social-development.

The problem with frame theory is that its importance and distinction at different stages of developing a relationship varies considerably.

When learning principles of attraction and how to meet people, it is important to understand how to adopt a strong frame that portrays universally attractive traits such as leadership, dominance and all-round confidence. [Related article: This concept is the basis of the behavioural traits outlined in the article ‘Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance’]

Most men naturally develop a strong frame as required in this instance; unfortunately, that strong frame is often based around negative beliefs! The conjecture here is that even if a strong frame contains negative beliefs, ANY strong frame subdues a weak frame.

An example of this in practice is when a man approaches a woman with deep-rooted, negative beliefs, such as:

• Women are intimidating
• Approaching strangers is weird and rude
• I won’t be her type
• I will have to act in a predetermined, unnatural way

With overpowering beliefs like this, it is almost as counterproductive as simply having a weak frame and meekly interacting with woman, with the hope that they will do all the hard work and spend the time getting to know you and like you regardless.

Men who get good at attracting women become excellent at leading interactions and flipping any negative frames that are imposed upon them. For example, if a woman tries to test or oppose a man’s apparent confidence, he will know how to turn it around with a stronger frame of his own.

The problem is that this is only applicable in the beginning stages of a relationship. If you carry on with this attitude and setup as a relationship progresses, you will come across as aloof, or worse, insecure! This is the reason why a number of dating coaches I have worked with in the past find it extremely difficult to maintain long-lasting, fulfilling relationships. They are great at attracting women and building the foundations of a relationship but then find it hard to shift their attitude towards the relationship at the correct moment.

Creating a frame of unity in a relationship:

When a relationship becomes mutual, monogamous and loving, the individual frames that we present will become clouded as we start to feel truly connected. This will happen naturally as a couple bond with each other and become comfortable in the relationship. However, even if this is the case, the ingrained attitudes are rarely shifted internally and this inevitably causes problems further into the relationship.

The only way to feel truly connected to your partner is to create a sincere emotional interdependence, where there is no longer a power shift between any of your interactions and hence you create a frame of unity.

This doesn’t mean that you should never disagree or have individual roles in a relationship, but that the underlying assumptions of any of your interactions are always that of mutuality and respect. The recent article ‘Compromising in a relationship’ touches on this dynamic from a slightly different angle.

Every single interaction and emotional request in a relationship is a chance to connect and the most fulfilling outcome in any example is always the one that makes a couple feel connected the most. This is regardless of whether the outcome or decision was the best one in practice or not. This affinity is not necessarily ideal in other interactions in life and that is where people can get confused. Connecting with a romantic partner is different from connecting with anyone else because it is based around intimacy.

It is impossible to positively connect with someone in terms of intimate rapport whilst having conflicting frames, whilst on the other hand, if you have a joint frame of unity, you will ALWAYS connect positively, regardless of any real life content.

Much love,

Sam

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1. 3 steps to being more attractive

Approach anxiety is the manifestation of a number of physiological and emotional symptoms we get when we decide to actively meet a stranger. The time where this is most significant (which is also what makes it highly relevant to the topics on this website) is when thinking about approaching someone we are attracted to.

Humans are social creatures and we live in a sophisticated world of several billion people, yet there are still common scenarios where we find it abnormal to approach a fellow human being and instinctual responses take over our logical desires in those moments.

There are probably a few naturally confident men and women, socialised at an early age, who are reading this and cannot relate to this feeling of approach anxiety. For the rest of us, I’m sure you can think of a time where you really wanted to meet someone, perhaps someone you are physically attracted to, and approach anxiety kicked in; else, you simply dismiss the idea of actively meeting people in this way altogether.

I’ve yet to meet someone, regardless of situation or relationship status that hasn’t had their lives enriched by learning to meet more people or overcome their anxieties. This article will explain where approach anxiety comes from and then detail a simple three-step method for overcoming it…

Where does approach anxiety come from?

There are many theories about where approach anxiety comes from but my own research shows it is a combination of learnt behaviour, evolutionary traits and cultural norms. These three causes can be broken down loosely to a fear of strangers, a fear of danger and a fear of rejection respectively.

Fear of strangers:

It’s a big generalisation but there is definitely a correlation between people who have strong and confident parental figures and people who have anxieties by default. ALL behaviour is learnt and obviously our parents play a large role in where we learn the bulk of that behaviour from initially.

Approaching strangers is, for all intents and purposes, not ‘normal’, and so we learn from society around us whilst growing up that we shouldn’t do it.

Fear of danger:

Whilst related to a fear of strangers, the fear of danger relates to the possibility that you will in some way be harmed if you approach the wrong person. Obviously this is largely redundant in modern society. Psychologists believe this feeling is an evolved yet outdated emotion originating from when we lived within tribal civilisations and interactions with unfamiliar folk could actually pose a real threat of danger.

The physiological manifestations of an anxiety like the one we are discussing are actually inbuilt mechanisms to prepare for danger of this sort: tensing of muscles, increased heart-rate/blood-flow and perspiration to name a few. These are all wholly unnecessary in this day and age but also difficult to control in an instant.

Fear of rejection:

Anxieties can be described as compound emotions with several subsets, namely fear and vanity. The fear is that a given outcome will be out of our control and the vanity is that our self-image will be tarnished.

It is normally people at either end of the spectrum who struggle most with this fear of rejection. People with a high self-image, egotistical or verging on arrogant, will feel this fear of rejection as an ego-protection mechanism. Similarly, people with a low self-image will also want to protect their ego in this way as a means of damage limitation. Not doing something is often less painful than admitting that you can’t do something in some instances.

Both of these examples stem from having too much outcome dependence on the situation. If you get rejected and have outcome dependence it will reinforce the anxiety. On the other hand, if you don’t have outcome dependence then by definition you can’t get rejected and the anxiety is treated by our brains as a learning process.

How to deal with approach anxiety:

Unfortunately, like all anxieties, there is not an instantaneous cure for approach anxiety (my job would certainly be a lot easier if there was) but there are ways to slowly ease our way out of it. Like any learnt behaviour, it is the reinforcing of habits that teach us to act in a certain way in the first place so understanding and relearning these habits is the only way to overcome them. Below is a three-step method for overcoming approach anxiety:

Accept  Reject  Act

Accept that you have this anxiety:

If you fully accept that you have approach anxiety and want to deal with it, you are one step closer to making the commitment to actually change it.

Reject any limiting beliefs:

Every plausible excuse you can think of for not approaching someone that you would like to is merely a limiting belief, regardless of the specific situation. These range from “The timing/situation isn’t right” to the most popular one, “I don’t know what to say”. Everyone knows that you can just say “hi” so it is not literally having nothing to say, it’s a limiting belief that you THINK you have nothing worthwhile to say! Reject any excuses and don’t pre-empt what people will think of you.

Action alleviates anxiety over time:

It was many years ago now but I still vividly remember the first time I plucked up the courage to purposefully approach an attractive woman that I had no prior acquaintance to. I was shaking like a leaf and was already envisaging her slapping me square across the face or equivalent. Ten minutes later after I had excused myself from our friendly exchange I felt foolish that I was ever worried, and this is exactly the same reaction I get from the students I work with in a dating coaching format.

It’s all very well being told that something is ok but it is only when we actually experience it firsthand that we start to condition ourselves to be comfortable with the situation.

These days, meeting people has become such an ingrained ability within me that wherever I am I find myself meeting new people without even consciously deciding to. It wasn’t without following the above three-step process though:

Accept  Reject  Act

I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes from hockey star Wayne Gretzky that relates perfectly to proactive dating: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take!”

Much love,

Sam

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The following complimenting challenge takes very little time out of your daily routine (in fact it is incorporated directly into it) and will have a profound effect on both your dating life and your relationships…

The complimenting challenge for singles:

The complimenting challenge for singles is to, whilst going about your daily business, compliment at least one stranger each day without any agenda.

The more creative you can be with your compliments the better. I would actually advise against complimenting on physical attributes. It takes a great degree of social proficiency to deliver a generic compliment such as one about looks without sounding rapport-seeking. Instead, compliment on something that is unique to them such as an interesting accessory they are wearing or if you witness them doing something admirable. Say your compliment with a smile and then leave without expecting any response. I’ve done this a countless amount of times over the years and you’ll be amazed at how many people stop you from leaving and thank you sincerely.

A lot of people struggle with approaching strangers or sparking up conversations with them because of a fear of rejection. The beauty of this challenge is that because you have no agenda, no outcome dependence and are not intending to start a conversation, you can’t actually be rejected! Anything that happens beyond that is a completely unintentional bonus and pretty soon after doing this challenge you will realise just how friendly and approachable most people are!

The complimenting challenge for couples:

Whilst I would still recommend implementing the above actions into your life even if you are in a relationship, as it characterises a sociable and positive person, the extension of the complimenting challenge for couples is aimed directly at appreciating your girlfriend or boyfriend.

A lot of people can start to take things for granted regarding their partner as the relationship progresses and although most people are extremely complimentary at the beginning of a relationship, these acts can often get phased out as a couple become overly familiar with each other.

The complimenting challenge for couples is to start to make an effort to appreciate the daily things that your partner does that might usually go unnoticed; the things they do for you and the effort they make.

Not only will this add towards the relationship being continually positive and happy but you will actually find that your partner starts doing MORE of these things. Emotions are contagious and the more you compliment your partner on even the smallest things, the more they will want to continue to do them without complaint.

Summary:

The complimenting challenge is to give at least one compliment each day whether it is to a stranger or your other half and then post your experiences in the comments section below…

Much love,

Sam

PS: To all the people on here who follow me on twitter (@sparklife) I want to thank you very much. I recently surpassed 10,000 followers on there and it is mindboggling to think that so many people are interested in reading my daily updates and ramblings!

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Attractive people in relationships:

One of the saddest aspects of relationships is that they can turn even the most attractive person into their antithesis over time. Have you ever had a friend who has suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth after getting into a serious relationship? Or, have you ever come out of a long relationship only to feel clueless as to how to succeed in the dating world again? Both of these questions are answered by analysing the contrasting mindsets between people in relationships and those same people when they are not in a relationship.

Meeting new people whilst in a relationship:

Regarding approaching other women whilst in a relationship, the significance is in the meaning you derive from the phrase ‘approach other women’. The reason why both men and women would instinctively scoff at the notion of approaching other people whilst in a relationship is because of the preconditioned view that approaching someone of the opposite sex always comes with ambiguous intention. This is one of the fundamental flaws in modern-day dating culture.

Change your dating mindset:

The reason why men and women get anxiety about either approaching someone of the opposite sex or going on a date with someone new is because they put so much dependence on the outcome of the interaction or meeting. They are viewing it through the ‘dating mindset’ rather than the ‘social mindset’ and so questions such as “will they like me?” and “am I going to impress them?” are what goes through the mind rather than the more important question, “does this person have the traits, qualities and connection I am looking for?”

There’s this whole supposition that in order to attract someone you are interested in you have to actively BUILD attraction with that person. If you think or act in this way then you will always be deeply dependent on the outcome of any interaction however hard you try to hide it. There is also the risk of becoming morally objectionable or socially manipulative.

The alternative mindset (and one that will carry over into having fulfilling relationships) is to work on being consistently attractive by default. This includes living an attractive lifestyle, learning attractive conversational skills and then as a consequence ‘building attraction’ with EVERYONE that you meet, male or female. What you should be striving for if you want the best chance in your dating life and your relationships is to develop an unconscious competence in social interactions across the board.

Changing your mindset and approach in this way will also have a massively positive impact on your personal standards regarding a partner. If you’re just looking for random flings and casual dating then it may not be so applicable but if you want to find someone that you can ultimately fall in love with then you want to get away from the generic dating mindset. When you meet someone who does start ticking boxes, you will be far more genuine in the conveyance of your attraction towards them if you wait for them to show traits that really attract you rather than physical attractiveness being enough.

Summary:

To summarise the key points in this article:

• Work on being attractive as a whole rather than having to build attraction with specific people.
• Treat meeting people, regardless of gender, simply as a social activity to alleviate any outcome dependence or cognitive dissonance.

So whilst I may very well approach other women, you will equally find me approaching other men too, as it makes me a more rounded, sociable and attractive person. So to answer the original question, “does Heidi mind that I approach other women?”… Well, only if she minds me meeting people in general!

Much love,

Sam

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1. The most important principle in dating

It is typically more common for men to find themselves in situations regarding the friend zone, as women generally have more dating options available to them and as a consequence can differentiate between emotional attachment and sexual attraction more easily. In fact, of my male clients, a fairly high percentage come to me directly from the situation that there is someone specific who they want to win over. My advice to those people is usually the same: in order to get one woman, you have to be able to get ALL women!

This article is going to dissect the psychology behind having romantic feelings for a friend before describing the only reliable techniques to starting a relationship with someone who you are firmly in the ‘friend zone’ with…

The reason why you are in the friend zone:

Romantic relationships form through the distinct progression of several different stages, namely attraction and rapport. Someone who finds themselves strictly in the friend zone has generally skipped the attraction phases and has instead created deep rapport with this person. Deep rapport refers to being comfortable talking in depth with someone about meaningful or personal topics. The opposite of deep rapport is wide rapport, which is talking about a variety of topics in a casual and informal way. Although wide rapport is also a sign of friendship, attraction can be created through these methods too. It is specifically deep rapport prior to any sexual attraction or physical escalation that will triumphantly lump you in the friend zone!

To distinguish this muddled order of the phases of relationship progression more clearly, someone will be in the friend zone because they have failed to successfully escalate the relationship at certain points, namely in the physical sense. Although making physical advances on women is a common anxiety for men, women often have the same issue but from a different cause. For women it is primarily the result of modern-day social conditioning that states women should play a more passive role towards dating, with the male making most of the ‘moves’ and advances.

If a certain window of opportunity has passed by with nothing being said or done to communicate a romantic interest, then friendship will always be implied!

Why do you want to get out of the friend zone?

If you acknowledge that you are in the friend zone and you really do feel infatuated with one specific person, before I reveal a few methods for turning things around there are a number of concepts worth thinking about first.

First is to make sure that this isn’t a case of dating avoidance. Turning a friendship (one where you are already comfortable with each other and enjoy one another’s company) into a relationship may simply seem easier than the alternative but is that reason enough? I advocate a proactive approach to dating but putting yourself out there, developing adept social skills and then embarking on the arduous task of finding the partner you really want is a tough thing to do. It is also time-consuming for someone who wants to be in a relationship NOW and wants to spend their time on other aspects of life. For some people it is not only easier to date a friend but it is also less painful than dealing with the rejections that a proactive dating life can entail.

More often than not though, infatuation with a friend signifies a lack of options in the dating world. Be honest with yourself as to whether it really is the person you are attracted to and not just the opportunity. Revealing interest in a friend or starting to date one WILL change your relationship, so be honest with your situation and desires before proceeding.

How to get out of the friend zone:

The truth is that getting out of the friend zone is a particularly tricky thing to do and the mutual respect in trying to do so is questionable. As I stated in the introduction, in order to get one woman you have to be able to get ALL women (the same is true for women regarding attracting men too). What I mean by this statement is that there was a fundamental reason why your relationship with the person you like advanced down the route of friendship rather than anything else. In order to turn things around you have to ultimately change the whole basis of your relationship.

There are many real-world examples of couples who were originally friends before becoming lovers. If these relationships don’t stem from the methods I am about to describe then they have developed from a temporary insecurity or emotional vulnerability in the less amenable of the two people. Although there is nothing wrong with a fulfilling relationship blossoming this way, you don’t want to be sitting around waiting for that unlikely opportunity.

The easiest way to start to get someone interested in you romantically and sexually is to start to show the more attractive sides of your personality rather than the affectionate sides and to also be willing to break rapport and very slowly become more physically intimate. Obviously there are respectful ways to do all this as well as disrespectful ways and of course you want to be doing the former. An article that will give you some idea of the required shift in attitude can be found here: ‘Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance’.

The best way to practice having a more attractive presence though, which will also be the healthiest method for your psyche, is to remove your feelings from the situation completely and practice attracting OTHER people as part of a more proactive dating life. You may just find that if you’re meeting other people, it could be best to remain friends after all…

Much love,

Sam

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The ‘nice guy’ is a common term that gets casually thrown around the dating scene. It describes a guy who may very well have lots of female friends, yet at the same time finds it hard to specifically convert that friendship into romantic interest with the women that they want. Ironically, women are actually looking for someone with the very qualities that the nice guys possess, yet in popular culture women always seem to be attracted to the ‘bad boys’… Why is that?

This article is going to specifically break down the difference between these two contrasting behaviour types before explaining how you can attract the women that you desire whilst still being a ‘nice guy’…

The difference between nice guys and bad boys:

Women are generally very good at describing what they want their ideal partner to be like and they will readily list off a number of qualities that nice guys typically possess: loyal, trustworthy, reliable etc. The problem is that in these circumstances women are thinking in terms of someone they could experience a long and fulfilling relationship with, not someone who is going to subconsciously attract them when they first meet. This is the first cause for why men are sometimes confused as to what women really look for in a man.

A bad boy typically has the reverse situation whereby he does display the qualities of an attractive male, yet doesn’t desire or fails to understand how to treat women when in a committed, long-term relationship.

Below is a comparative list of affectionate behaviour that is typical of a nice guy and then its attractive counterpart. As you go through the list, whether you are male or female, have a think about which category you fit into so you can decipher how your romantic interests currently perceive you:

Affectionate person                    Attractive person

Showering with compliments  Compliments only when deserving

Worried about hurting feelings  Teases about deficiencies

Always buying gifts  Plans surprises

Being predictable  Being spontaneous

Watching what you say  Saying what you think

Self-conscious  Self-assured

Clingy behaviour  Willingness to walk away

Always on hand  Leads a busy and fulfilling life

Listens to problems  Changes emotions

Being reliable  Being unpredictable

Needy behaviour  Self-sufficient

Finding the perfect balance:

Perhaps you’ve read through the above list and found yourself falling solely into either the affectionate category or the attractive category, or perhaps you can’t place yourself in either category for some of the statements. Either way, there are precise times in dating and relationships where it is best to display your personality using some of the methods from the affectionate side of the list. Likewise, there are other times where it is best to display your personality using some of the methods from the attractive side of the list.

At a most basic level, an attractive person will GET the girl whereas an affectionate person will KEEP the girl. The ultimate is an amalgamation of both affectionate AND attractive and the skill is in calibrating your personality so that you know when it is best to act more affectionate and when it is best to act more attractive. This is an ongoing process from first meeting a woman you are attracted to, right through to having a long-term relationship together.

None of the terms in the above list are inherently bad… they just all have a unique time in the progression of a relationship where they are preferential. Every relationship progresses at a different rate so it would be exhaustive to list where each of the behaviour traits will be suitable. If you keep in mind what will come across as attractive and what will come across as affectionate using some of the ideas listed above then it shouldn’t be too hard to distinguish when each type should be adopted for yourself:

• If you sense a lack of attraction in your relationship (or if you have just met someone and want to attract them in the first place) then think about conveying your personality using the attractive traits listed.
• If you sense a lack of intimacy in your relationship then think about conveying your personality using some of the affectionate traits listed.

I hope some of this has been useful thinking for you and as always I would love to hear your opinions in the comments section below!

Much love,

Sam

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When I was in my early teens I always thought that you were either born with great social skills or you had to make do without. There were kids in school who seemed to make no effort to have swarms of friends and be the life of all social functions. The truth is that being sociable is a learnt skill and no matter how extroverted you were taught to be when growing up, everyone can practice being more sociable. Being able to have positive interactions with all the people you meet will certainly enrich many aspects of your life.

In order to become more outgoing in general, it’s all very well being told, “just get out there and force yourself to be”. Unfortunately humans aren’t always the best at forcing themselves to break habits and do new things. A far more balmy method to become more sociable is to put yourself in a situation where you are forced to interact with other people by default…

The best job for becoming more sociable:

Towards the end of last year I spent a few months moonlighting as a barman: partly for the extra pocket-money, partly for the extra structure and motivation outside of my normal work, but mainly as I have always wanted to delve into the social experiment that the job entails.

It still boggles my mind how high up the social hierarchy the barman is in the bar dynamic by default. On paper, there isn’t a great deal to be desired: the pay isn’t great and you are basically everyone’s servant for the evening. The reason for the unwitting social status though (and why when I was working I had constant attention from both men and women regardless of if they wanted beverages at the time) is because of the underlying social power that comes with the job, as long as you carry it correctly. On a basic level, in that situation, the barman is the centre of attention, is offering value to everyone else (in the form of service) and generally holds a fair amount of authority in the room.

Making friends:

Working as a barman is a great way to make a bunch of cool friends immediately. If you pick your venue wisely and end up in a trendy and uncrowded venue like I was, you will most likely have a small group of young and friendly colleagues who directly leapfrog in to your new social circle.

Starting conversations with patrons is also easy as long as you are friendly and interesting. This is the same for starting conversations with strangers in general but without the underlying message that you are trying to GET anything from them. One of the biggest hurdles to overcome when approaching a stranger without any preapproved value is to convey that you don’t need their affection until you’ve earned it: that the interaction is clearly mutual!

Back with the barman/customer roles, you don’t have any of those contingencies to deal with immediately, so you can concentrate on making friends and attracting people with no agenda.

Learning social dynamics:

The key to becoming superior in social interactions is to really understand the underlying communications that occur: the subtle reactions people give off with body-language for example.

One of my favourite pastimes when I was relaxing in a bar (that I still enjoy doing occasionally now) was to simply observe the people around me and see how people would interact with each other. Whilst working in a bar you can’t help but indulge in a similar activity.

You have an outstanding viewpoint of the dynamic of the bar and it is easy to spot who the most successful people are in the venue as you scan around over the course of the evening. Notably, these are often the guys and girls who make an effort to spark up a short conversation themselves when ordering drinks. These are the people with a certain degree of inner confidence established and who enjoy unselfishly giving value to everyone they meet. It doesn’t take much to say “Hey, how are you doing?” and then a small open-ended comment and this technique works in most situations in life.

Advanced observations:

Before starting my short stint working as a barman I had already developed my social skills to a level I was happy with (I had been working as a dating coach for two years prior after all). However, I did have some enlightening observations along the way that you wouldn’t necessarily get without being in a neutral position such as a barman.

Most of these observations revolved around male and female flirting or more specifically how bad men are in general at spotting female communication cues and how women put intuitive trust in those cues being successful in attracting men. I intend to write a concise article on how to flirt and attract effectively in the near future so I won’t go into it right now. Working as a barman in a popular venue though, you will quickly learn a lot about how to attract members of the opposite sex simply by observing the people around you who are successful at it!

There are loads of jobs that will push you outside your comfort zone and make you strive to become more sociable (sales is another one, which admittedly I don’t have much personal experience with). However, if going out to social gatherings and making friends from scratch, or if improving your social demeanour in everyday life and business situations seems intimidating, then working as a barman (or finding a similar scenario where you are forced to be gregarious) is a great way to initiate the process.

Much love,

Sam

PS: You may have noticed a new subheading underneath the website’s title announcing updates every Tuesday. I constantly get e-mails asking me when I will next be updating Sparklife.info, which is what inspired this new schedule. The schedule may change in the future and there may occasionally be an extra update or two at other times in the week but at the very least I will upload a unique and thorough article every Tuesday… so mark your diaries if you have one!

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Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

To be honest, the actual choice of movie isn’t all that important (although I will give some suggestions later in this article); it’s more about the time spent together and developing the interaction between the two of you, so as long as the selection isn’t yawn-inducing, it should be fine. Having said that, in this article I will give a few things to think about regarding this topic, which conveniently ties in with how to make decisions on almost ANYTHING date related…

Choosing a movie for a date:

The reason watching a movie at home with someone you are romantically interested in is such a great idea in the early stages of dating is that it breeds familiarity and is an easy way to start building romantic intimacy and rapport, without too much pressure. Also, if you pick the right sort of movie, you can help curb the energy levels and emotional stimulus of the relationship, as explained in the following summary:

Worst movie choice = a movie that gets few emotional reactions out of its viewers.

Decent movie choice = a movie that gets lots of emotional reactions out of its viewers.

Best movie choice = a movie that gets lots of POSITIVE emotional reactions out of its viewers.

Now these may seem like obvious findings but if you think of all your favourite movies, you’ll be surprised how easily they spread across those three categories. I myself am a big fan of documentary-style films for example, yet they are more enjoyed through personal interest rather than tangible emotions.

So when choosing a movie, think about whether it is going to incite positive emotions not only in yourself but also with the person you will be sharing it with.

How this relates to dates and activities in general:

It’s slightly counter-intuitive but any form of active emotional reaction, be it negative or positive, is actually better for creating attraction than neutral, passive or no emotional reactions. Attraction is wholly built on the existence of emotional reactions (hence why ‘jerks’ still attract women) yet a lot of guys try and ‘play it safe’ when it comes to dating. The reason for this is that in pushing the boundaries, even with the intention of a hugely positive outcome, you risk tipping the balance and offending people.

A confident and attractive person, although never intending to offend people, is unapologetic for the way they are and the decisions they make.

Below is a crude diagram I have drawn to portray how attraction fluctuates with emotional input:

Obviously there is more to attraction than simply invoking emotions but trying to make every activity you do as fun and stimulating as possible will definitely head you in the right direction.

Applying this to the topic of this article, movies to watch on a date, it is clear that not only should you choose a fun and stimulating movie but you should also make it a fun and stimulating event as a whole!

Some personal movie recommendations:

There are so many classic films out there, with more being produced every month, that it would be impossible to give a concise list of all the best films. Below I will cover a few main genres along with giving a few examples of what my favourite flicks are in each one…

Horror movies: ‘Saw’ franchise, ‘Scream’ trilogy

The genre of movie that probably gets the most emotional reactions out of its viewers is the genre of horror movies. If you’re keen on choosing a horror movie, I would warn that there are men and women out there who distinctly despise these sorts of movies and can manifest more than just casual fear within themselves… Heidi won’t mind me revealing that she’s a big scaredy-cat when it comes to horror movies so make sure your date isn’t too before surprising or forcing them to watch a scary film!

Action/Thriller movies: ‘Transformers’, ‘Kill Bill’

Action and thriller movies follow a similar attitude as horror movies… People are generally either big fans or not interested in them. Either way, it’s hard to not get pumped up and excited whilst watching a classic thriller movie.

Comedy movies: ‘Meet the Parents’, ‘Wedding Crashers’, ‘There’s Something about Mary’

Comedy films are great for dates for obvious reasons… Laughing together is the best way to get in a good state and enjoy yourselves.

There are loads of examples of comedy movies and if you search imdb.com (internet movie database) you will get hundreds more highly-rated recommendations.

Feel-good movies: ‘Forrest Gump’, ‘The Princess Bride’, ‘When Harry met Sally’, Disney movies

Some guys pretend that they don’t enjoy movies like this, possibly to try and seem macho but the truth is that it’s very hard not to enjoy any of the movies I have listed above. They are very unisex and always leave viewers smiling with their heart-warming plots and cheesy endings!

Sexual movies: ‘Shortbus’

If your new relationship has not become sexual yet and you would like it to, then watching a sexual-orientated movie together will get you both suitably aroused. I would use this with caution though, making sure you know this sort of thing won’t offend your date. Whilst the above movie does also have a gripping storyline, it does contain many scenes of an adult nature if you catch my drift.

Childhood memories: ‘Labyrinth’, ‘The Land Before Time’

Obviously this will vary between generations but assuming you are dating someone within a similar age-range to you, watching movies from your childhood is a great way of developing a closeness to someone… It’s like jumping back into your past together!

Do you have any recommendations to add to these categories?

Final thoughts:

A few extra things to think about are, like I mentioned in ‘The perfect first date’, less emphasis should be put on the fact it is a date and more should be put on two people simply hanging out and having fun. An activity such as watching a movie together is merely a secondary element to advancing the relationship both emotionally and physically… You don’t want to be sitting there watching a movie in silence, no matter how great it is!

With all this being said, a great default choice for a movie if you don’t know your date very well yet, as with any date activity, is to choose something YOU will enjoy. Positivity is contagious and if you are having fun and enjoying yourself it will rub off on whoever you are with.

Don’t forget to add any movie recommendations you have in the comments section below…

Much love,

Sam

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1. The perfect first date

This article focuses on a dating principle that is often conducted inefficiently, if conducted at all…

The most important principle in dating:

One of the most disregarded pieces of the dating puzzle is the process of telling someone why you like them. If you’ve ever had someone stand you up for a date… If you’ve ever had someone you like not return your calls or texts… If you’ve ever had someone seem really interested in you and then witness that interest swiftly plummet without explanation… This is probably the reason!

It seems simple in principle but so many people fail to actually tell people they are attracted to what it is they actually like about them beyond their physical appearance. A result of this is that the other person will always be thinking “hmm are they only after one thing… Do they actually like ME?” Admittedly, this is more of a common thought amongst women than men, as dating culture has set men up to be the pursuers, who will generally reap ANY reciprocated interest.

Whatever your intentions are, if you don’t tell someone what you like about them early on, any future relationship is going to start in a staggered fashion, if at all.

Some people have more acute social intuition than others, generally based on how ‘socialised’ they are during adolescent years. Even so, I’ve seen several cases in the past where a man or woman thinks they are being glaringly obvious with their interest in someone by being flirty in whatever way they choose and yet the other person does not pick up on these subtle indications. This communication confusion often leads to a premature end to any relationship that could manifest.

Reasons for not telling someone specifically why you like them can either be due to shyness, or insufficient understanding of the key differences between male and female psychology. Everyone likes to feel desired… but to be desired as a unique human being, not just as a hot piece of meat!

Dating culture:

It is an unfortunate case but modern culture has programmed girls into thinking that any guy who sparks up a conversation with her is just trying to chat her up (it is a fair enough thought, as it is often true ). Furthermore, any guy who continues down that avenue, she will think is only trying to get in her pants so to speak.

This is proved to me time and time again at times when I meet particularly defensive women in bars. If I happen to mention my girlfriend at any point during the initial conversation, it’s astonishing to see how quickly this type of woman drops her defences and replaces them with renewed enthusiasm for the interaction. If you find yourself in an interaction with a similar type of woman, I wouldn’t recommend saying you are in a relationship if you aren’t, but I hope you see my point.

What do YOU look for in a partner?

The best way to start this whole process is to sit down and write a list of qualities you look for in a partner. This does not have to be an exhaustive list so I suggest starting with five key qualities you look for. Bare in mind though that the more detailed and thought-out your list is, the higher your standards will be once you start applying them and your chances of knowing when you’ve found the perfect partner increases dramatically.

The point of this list-writing exercise is twofold: firstly, having this list will hone your subconscious mind to naturally screen members of the opposite sex for the qualities you are looking for and spot them more easily. Secondly, it will also give you a base list of questions to ask once there is mutual attraction between the two of you.

At a most basic level, you can simply go through your list, asking your questions in the form of “are you [x quality]?” Obviously you will have to become more imaginative with the majority of these questions so they don’t sound contrived. The more you do this, the more you will subconsciously discover these qualities in people and react positively as a natural consequence anyway.

The key is to make your compliments and interest DESERVING. Far too many people seem to simply agree with everything their partner says or give fake appreciation for things they have no interest in simply because they think it will IMPRESS their partner. Having standards and giving out GENUINE compliments and appraisal is far more attractive!

My personal list of qualities I look for:

If you are looking for some inspiration, here is my personal list of character traits I specifically look for in a partner:

• Polite,
• Generous,
• Adventurous,
• Fun,
• Spontaneous,
• Smart, as in good common sense.

For the record, my girlfriend Heidi meets all these qualities by a large margin and exceeds them with lots of other qualities too. I can’t remember the exact instances when I discovered each of these qualities in Heidi but I am sure that every time she showed generosity in my presence, or talked about something adventurous she had done, that my genuine positive reaction let her know that I was interested in her.

There is a BIG difference between saying “wow, that’s amazing, I really like that about you” with sincerity, compared with someone who simply agrees and acts impressed with everything a member of the opposite sex does, thinking it is a direct route to winning them over.

What it all boils down to is developing a secure level of self-esteem so that you feel at ease comfortably teasing people you are attracted to, whilst at the same time not feeling restricted in giving out genuine compliments and appraisal when you want to.

As always, I would love to hear any feedback from you on these topics, or if anyone feels brave enough to post their own list of qualities they look for.

Much love,

Sam

P.S: In other exciting news, at a complete surprise to me, Sparklife.info got voted in the top ten ‘Best Web Designs of the Week’ over at www.codevigilante.com (April 12th – April 18th, 2009). Their awesome and popular website trawls the internet and collates all the best websites, based on aesthetics and rates them according to simplicity, effectiveness, tastefulness and uniqueness. Apparently Sparklife.info scored particularly highly on the simplicity and effectiveness categories, which I am stoked about as that is exactly what I intended when I designed it.

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1. A fundamental flaw in dating and why you should never stop meeting people