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Is your partner perfect for you? Read this and see…

It is easy to assume that your relationship will last forever. The rapturous emotions and validation one gets from sharing their affection exclusively with another often eclipses any negatives there might be. Without the direct comparison of other similarly fulfilling relationships, it is easy for a gradual decline to go unnoticed.

Whilst this article focuses on determining how well your partner compliments your deepest relationship desires, it can also be read as a self-evaluation. If you want to be with the perfect partner for you, it goes without saying that you should be the perfect partner in return! It is only once you have both of these factors in place that you have the ingredients for the perfect relationship… 🙂

Emotional desires:

Everyone has their own personal beliefs and behaviours, developed via their own unique experiences in life. Part of forming a romantic relationship is not necessarily matching those beliefs and behaviours but adapting them to work together.

As discussed in the article ‘The Happy Relationship Timeline’, there comes a point in every relationship where the euphoric feelings of early attraction start to be integrated with more realistic life plans, as well as a deeper and more serious level of intimacy.

Having someone who fulfils your emotional desires is, on a basic level, being with someone who understands you.

Even typically negative emotional traits such as jealousy or anger are not necessarily bad if you are with a partner who empathises with such behaviour, without compromising their own emotional desires of course.

Gary Chapman in his book ‘The five love languages’ hypothesises that individuals will seek one of five different expressions of love from their partner or spouse. He concludes that by discovering which of the five you and your partner seek, you can cater for those desires accordingly. The five love languages he lists are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

Whilst there is truth that people will naturally appreciate certain expressions of love over others, the overriding point is that most people strive to be with someone that fully understands and supports all of their emotional desires. 🙂

Physical desires:

Whilst physical desires (sex, intimacy and physical touch) are only one part of a fulfilling relationship, for many couples it can be the final make or break beyond an emotional connection. An unfulfilling sex life is something that can gradually develop and is one of the primary causes of infidelity.

Physical desires are not just about being with someone who is sexually expressive and selfless, but also having someone who is consistently close and comforting with their intimacy, rather than ever being distant.

When it comes to dealing with couples who are unsatisfied physically, it usually comes down to a lack of communication (never expressing those physical desires) or a lack of effort to become a better lover (accepting a mediocre sex life). A masterful lover should understand their partner’s body better than anybody else and become resolute and proactive in gaining that ability. 🙂

Growth desires:

With a bit of proactive dating, it is actually relatively easy to find someone who fulfils both your emotional desires and your physical desires. Finding someone who also has congruent growth desires and actively assists those desires is somewhat trickier.

All marriages or similarly long-term, committed relationships end because one person “changed”, or somewhat contradictory, “didn’t change”. To avoid those feelings, as the relationship progresses, a couple must change together. This includes supporting and encouraging each other’s goals and passions, as well as adapting to the results of any personal development.

With an ever evolving relationship, certain lapses in understanding are inevitably going to occur. Occasional moments of frustration or insecurity will crop up in a dynamic relationship. These moments are fine as long as you and your partner can quickly acknowledge them for what they are and use them as a learning experience.

It is when someone continually imposes the same negative occurrences (jealousy or arguments for example) with no awareness that they start to create distance and contempt with their partner.

It is ok to make mistakes in a relationship but it is how you act afterwards that is important. A fulfilling relationship is a constant process of learning, improving and adapting to each other’s growth desires. 🙂

Conclusion:

By definition, a partner that fulfils all of your emotional, physical and growth desires is the perfect partner for you. In my many years of working with couples from all sorts of different backgrounds, I am yet to meet someone who has cheated on their partner whilst sincerely believing that they fulfil those three criteria.

Remember that only the most socially astute person will be able to completely fulfil all three areas without at least some guidance and encouragement from you along the way. This is most certainly a mutual activity and by taking the time and effort to fully discover and understand your partner’s emotional, physical and growth desires, they will much more inclined to reciprocate. 🙂

Much love,

Sam

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12 responses to “Is your partner perfect for you? Read this and see…”

  1. Jon says:

    Hey. Just got round to reading this since you first tweeted it and thought I’d comment even though I’m still single at the mo. This is awesome stuff and I can definately use it when deciding who I really like and really want a relationship with though.

    Would you say one of the 3 is more important than the other 2? For me I could never stay with a woman who shows lack of intelligence. I know it sounds arrogant but I kinda lose respect when I constantly have to explain myself or solve any emotional problems in the relationship. I want my girlfriend to always get me and know what I’m getting at. That’s just made me think of a question if you have time to answer. Should two people be of similar intelligence to really make a relationship work? I guess that comes under the emotional desires section or perhaps the growth desires one.

    Awesome article dude and I look forward to the next one. Cheers. J-

    • Hey Jon,

      I’m glad you like the article and some of the topics discussed can most certainly be used as preparation for relationships as well as during them.

      In fact, knowing what you are really looking for with regards to personal desires is useful at all times. You won’t always be able to discover how well a woman compliments your desires right from when you first meet. As a relationship progresses, it will steadily become clear how well suited you are to each other. If you have high standards then you will always want to be aware of these factors.

      As for your question about one of the three areas potentially being more important than the other two, there can be some truth in this. Certain people place a lot more value on certain aspects of a relationship. However, even if someone places emotional desires as a distinct priority for example, they will still have desires in the other two areas.

      To answer your question about a couple being of a similar level of intelligence, it depends how you define “intelligence”. Intelligence is something that is comprised of several different parts. I believe it was an American psychologist called Howard Gardner who first described the concept.

      The woman you are with may not be as intellectual or logical as you are but I guarantee that she will have other areas of expertise where there is a role-reversal. Part of a healthy relationship is letting go of ego with regards to these topics. Of course, if you do find yourself continually frustrated by a certain aspect of the relationship (lack of a particular form of intelligence for example) then as you say, perhaps she isn’t the perfect woman for you.

      When it comes to knowledge or intelligence in a relationship, what is most important is that you are both always showing interest and have a willingness to learn from what each of you have to offer. 🙂

      Thanks a lot for commenting,

      Sam

  2. Jen Goodhue says:

    I really enjoyed this post Sam. My favorite part was where you wrote about making sure you change together. I think that it is all well and good finding someone who you are emotionally and physically happy with but finding someone who is on the same path as you is so so important. I also like where you write that making mistakes is OK and we should have some leeway for our partners as they also grow. I guess making the same mistakes over and over shows someone is not growing and not compatible. Thanks for the insightful post.

    • Hi Jen,

      I like how you describe a happy relationship as two people on the same path. To take the metaphor one step further, it is the mutual journey and what happens along the way that is important, rather than imposing a grand ideal on the relationship without any thought to how it will evolve.

      Someone who makes mistakes over and over may be doing so through an unwillingness to change but remember that they are only “mistakes” in the context of a significant other’s judgement. Sometimes it is simply ignorance due to poor communication in the relationship that leads to so called mistakes. Once a couple have perfected their communication skills and awareness, ideally they should be adapting and changing at a similar rate. 🙂

      Thanks for commenting Jen,

      Sam

  3. flick says:

    Hello. I am new here but have been searching for some answers and you seem to have very knowledgeable advice.

    For some time now I have been questioning certain aspects of my relationship (partly in secret although I am sure my significant other has some idea that things aren’t so rosey between us – we’ve been together for 3 years now). I love the way you split the desires into categories in this article and after thinking about this a lot, I’ve found it hard to decide exactly in which category our problems lie. If I was to analyze back and use your categories I guess it started with him starting to not fulfil my growth desires and make me feel like he doesn’t care anymore. This has gradually affected the other two areas. Does that sound right?

    I guess the answer I am looking for is if he will change or if I’m fighting a losing battle?
    Do you have any other articles that might be of use to my situ? It helped alot thinking about the ideas you’ve written about in this one.

    Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.

    • Hi Flick,

      Your interpretation of how your relationship has developed recently does actually mirror the typical chain of events of a relationship that has gone noticeably downhill.

      Assuming that a relationship is mutually happy and fulfilling in the beginning, the first sign of that changing is when a couple’s growth desires start going out of sync: one person seems like they are putting more effort in to improve both themselves and the relationship.

      The resulting feelings inevitably affect the emotional desires in the relationship and how you treat and empathise with each other.

      A knock-on effect of that second stage is a decline in how fulfilled one’s physical desires are. Self-confidence is a big part of how physically expressive and sexually masterful someone is, so it is no surprise that those skills can also falter if there is a lack of emotional connection and understanding.

      If a relationship starts out completely fulfilling and then heads towards a gradual decline, it has usually followed the above pattern.

      Reversing the process is not necessarily straightforward, as each issue can directly affect the other. Communicating some of these concerns in a reasonable and empathetic way as well as working on what you believe requires attention one thing at a time is a good method. The first thing I would suggest though is finding a time and a way to discuss some of these concerns more thoroughly with your partner. It is possible that he is a lot more aware of the situation than you think and also equally keen to rectify things.

      If you are looking for other articles on this website that might help further then the best place to start is the ‘Best of’ section, which covers a variety of topics. If you want a more specific recommendation for your situation then the first article that springs to mind is ‘Should I stay or leave my relationship’.

      I hope that helps and thanks for writing. 🙂

      Sam

    • flick says:

      Wow thankyou so much for taking the time to reply to me. I will definitely read as many of your other articles as I can. Thanks.

  4. Bazo says:

    Hi Sam
    Your articles are so beneficial to me,especiallly the one captioned:”Trust in Relationship”. Thank you and keep it up. The question is,what are the emotianal desires of a lady and how do you get to understand them so to satisfy your partner.
    Bazo

    • Hi,

      There are lots of generalisations that can be made when it comes to female psychology but specific emotional desires can differ greatly between women.

      At a basic level, if you are making your woman feel good, whilst keeping the relationship happy and emotionally positive, then you can’t go too wrong.

      The intensity of a woman’s emotional desires roughly correlate with how much self-esteem she has and this can fluctuate over time. Part of being a great boyfriend involves knowing when to do things that pull your girlfriend closer to you emotionally, and recognising other times where that same behaviour could come across as needy or clingy.

      If a woman is seeking validation, there are more attractive and sincere ways to fulfil that emotional desire rather than simply flattering her. Ultimately, a relationship is about helping your girlfriend become the woman she wants to be, whilst being the man she wants to be with and crafting a relationship you BOTH want to be in! If you are always making your girlfriend “feel good” then this is very easy to achieve. 🙂

      Thanks for commenting and I’m glad you’ve found the articles beneficial,

      Sam

  5. Bazo says:

    Hello Sam
    Thank you for answering my question.

  6. sharon says:

    Sam, i really like all of your articles because it has helped me too learn new things , in how to change to be a better person and it has guide me a lot through my relationship. as this for the first time i have read some of your articles, i feel better now that i read few of them because, it persuaded me too many things and it motivated me as well. i really like how you take your time to write this articles to persuade and help other people. i truly appreciate your work. Thanks

    • Hi Sharon,

      Thank you so much for your kind words. Your feedback is the sort of thing that inspires me to continue revising my theories and produce new content for everyone. 🙂

      Thanks,

      Sam