Trust in a relationship – Trusting your girlfriend or boyfriend
Ask any relationship expert what they believe the foundation to a lasting relationship is and chances are that “trust” will appear near the top of the list.
Second to that, the most popular article on this website by some margin is one I wrote last year titled, ‘Dealing with your girlfriend getting hit on’. The comments section of that article currently features over 100 in-depth questions and answers and the recurring topic throughout is that of ‘trust in a relationship’.
This article aims to condense some of the advice given in response to those real-life relationship concerns, as well as give some further insights as to why trust can become such a big issue in a relationship and how you can learn to be at peace with it at all times… 
Where trust issues arise from:
As with many beliefs and insecurities, trust issues form as a result of cultural learning and past experiences. The past experiences can either be personal experiences, in this case being betrayed in a past relationship, or they can develop by observing external examples of mistrust in society.
There is also a correlation between how much we trust our romantic partners and how much we trust ourselves! A lot of people find it hard to trust their other half because they know how EASY it is to be unfaithful, whether in reality or simply in theory.
A third cause is related to our own self-esteem. Unless we believe one hundred percent that we embody the ‘perfect partner’ and that our relationship is as happy and fulfilling as it can be, there is by definition a fear that there is someone out there more suited to our other half.
Related emotions – jealousy and fear:
Although there are varying evolutionary and psychological theories surrounding jealousy and fear, in simple terms they are both products of our own self-esteem. Jealousy and any related insecurities stem from protection, neediness and scarcity: the thought that if someone steals my loved one away from me, I will be left with nothing!
The only way to fully trust your girlfriend or boyfriend is to rid yourself of any fear of losing them. The feelings may not always be rational because trust issues have a habit of burying themselves deep in our subconscious. I have even had married men (men who are with women that have supposedly committed their entire LIFE to them) who still have this fear of losing their partner and show signs of mistrust every time their wife is away from them for any length of time. This sounds absurd on the face of it but confirms the fact that subconscious feelings of mistrust can often be greater than any logical or justified feelings.
Setting the boundaries of your relationship:
Aside from negative experiences from previous relationships, trust issues arise in a new relationship because people make assumptions for their romantic interests without fully knowing their true beliefs. This pertains to the earliest stages of a romantic relationship developing, where people often assume the people we meet share the same values and beliefs as us regarding monogamy and relationships by default.
There is a vast spectrum of what may be acceptable or unacceptable between a couple and there is also usually a large grey area in the middle. The only way you are going to have a satisfactory level of practical trust with your partner is if you have a clear and mutual understanding of what is and what is not acceptable in your relationship (a common example is how ‘flirty’ to be with other people of the opposite sex).
Having said that, whilst the above compromise may work for many couples out there, it is still suppressing the root cause of any trust issues. In theory, as long as two people are clear and honest about wanting to be in a monogamous relationship, there should be no need for any ‘boundaries’, as any misaligned scenarios will be wholly innocent.
Wanting to know everything your partner gets up to:
This statement is not to be confused with having a genuine interest and excitement to know what your partner gets up to in your absence. This is concerning the people who want to know intricate and nugatory details from their girlfriend or boyfriend (if they’ve been on a night out for example) and then become aggrieved if they later find out they haven’t been told everything.
If you expect your partner to tell you EVERYTHING (especially if they tell you that they will) then trivial details that accidently get forgotten suddenly set off insecure detective mode! It is almost as if we only believe someone is being honest with us if we can build a fully formed picture of their description in our mind. This is of course in the hope that those extra details will ensure that the major ones never get neglected.
A common situation that men in relationships come to me about is in trusting their girlfriend when she is out socialising with other guys, or perhaps if she is still in touch with an ex-boyfriend.
If your girlfriend or boyfriend knows that you will overreact or judge them if they do one of the above two things (even innocently) then chances are they simply won’t tell you about them! This may not be in a malicious or sinister way, but simply to prevent any unnecessary relationship aggro. Of course, if you do then discover what they have been up to, it suddenly becomes a lot less innocent, regardless of their intentions!
The only way to encourage your partner to be completely open with you is to ensure they know that you will never overreact, or more importantly JUDGE them if they tell you potentially undesirable facts.
Fully trusting your girlfriend or boyfriend:
If you know that you experience frequent feelings of jealousy or distrust, it is not something you are likely to be able to rid yourself of in an instant. You can however slowly work on overcoming or desensitising yourself to those negative feelings through repetitive cognition. This is achieved through a combination of being reassured by your partner’s trustworthy actions over time and by not fuelling any anxieties with trust illusions or hypothetical scenarios.
I’ve said time and time again that the most important aspect of a relationship is actively making it as fulfilling as it can be at all times. Doing this and believing it wholeheartedly to be true will conquer all conceivable issues a couple could have. Doing this correctly, mistrust can only manifest if you self-sabotage your own image, much like the causes that lead to being cheated on!
I personally don’t fear anyone whisking Heidi away from me because I don’t believe there is anyone who could! Consequently, I trust her unreservedly and never feel the need to accuse, question or interrogate any of her behaviour. This may sound mildly arrogant but is a direct result of working hard on both myself and our relationship so it is the best it can possibly be at all times. As soon as I start to lose that desire to continually enrich our relationship, is the first sign that the relationship might be subsiding.
Whilst I’m aware that it takes a considerable amount of time to get to a level of complete ease and trust in a relationship, there are a few things you can do to aid the process.
The best temporary measure is to simply suppress any insecurities you may have as soon as they arise. Prevent yourself from displaying unwarranted signs of mistrust towards your partner and the people outside the relationship you fear. This won’t condition a perfect relationship as described above but it will condition a healthy one in the meantime. It will let your partner know that you trust them, which in turn will emotionally pull them closer to you rather than push them away.
“I trust my partner but I don’t trust the people around them”:
A final factor that can affect one’s trust in a relationship is social intelligence. Someone can ostensibly trust their partner on an emotional level, but still fear them getting taken advantage of due to their vulnerability, naivety or lack of social maturity.
If your partner is attractive, they WILL get attention from other members of the opposite sex. All you can do is ensure that they are equipped with the basic social tools so that they can be trusted in any social situation and not risk being taken advantage of. These social tools include things such as being decisive, assertive and never alluding to relationship status.
Going back to an earlier point about allowing your partner to be completely open and honest with you, remember that trust is not circumstantial and you want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be able to tell you anything because they WANT to, not because they feel that they HAVE to!
Trusting your partner’s emotional fidelity is just as important as trusting their physical fidelity… so remember that even if your partner has previous reasons for you not to trust them, what becomes of that is wholly dependent on your input and approach to the relationship!
Much love,
Sam
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Wow a ton of content here. nice work dude.
I found over my relationships that trust steadily gets better until you get cheated on which sends it crashing back to square one.
It seems you have to always have 1 eye on them doing something wrong so you never get taken for a mug. What I mean is that surely if you trust them without any kind of checking in on them then they will do whatever they please? Maybe its me but some people just naturally seem to be a lot more trustworthy than others. Theres a lot to take in with this post so I will read it again for sure.
Cheers man -J
Hey Jon,
It’s true when people say that trust is something that is built over time and you’re right that once that trust is disrespected, it’s a lot harder to regain it! This is called a ‘positive feedback loop’, whereby every time we trust someone correctly, that positive trust is reaffirmed to us and it becomes stronger the next time. As mentioned in the article though, the majority of whether that trust is respected or not is dictated by our own role in the relationship.
Regarding your second point, I understand what you are saying but there are ways to go about “checking in on your partner” that are respectful and trustworthy. Like you say, blind trust is usually a route towards being betrayed and worse, convincing yourself that you aren’t being betrayed! There is definitely a balance to be found but the important thing is to never tip over into the insecure, detective side of things. As mentioned in the article above, if the relationship is positive and conducted correctly, you will know what your partner is up to anyway and there shouldn’t be any concerns of mistrust.
People can definitely come across as more trustworthy by their manner and communication skills as well as their previous track record. It doesn’t necessarily convert to who is actually going to be more trustworthy in reality but I guess these are the sorts of things that will determine the kind of partner you are looking for in the first place.
Thanks for commenting as always,
Sam
you need a ‘like’ button:) i had to catch up on the past few articles, but they are great, as always. you seem to have an endless supply of relevant relationship topics. keep on keepin’ on!
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Thanks for your praise and for sticking with the website!
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This is a great article Sam and one I will definately recommend to others.
I like how you have diagnosed where trust issues come from and how to slowly overcome them along with the bigger picture. I feel I am qualified to comment from the other perspective of the person not being trusted that might give some food for thought to some of your readers.
My ex fiance had a terrible time trusting me and everytime I returned from being apart for however length of time, after pleasantries he would immediately go into the detective persona you speak of, questioning every little thing I might have done. Of course I had nothing to hide but it really makes you feel unappreciated and disrespected as a woman to not be trusted. In this day and age with social media I think it’s even easier to drive yourself crazy with that attitude and snoop around a loved ones private life. Of course I mean private life meaning the things we don’t have to share all the time like you say in the article.
At the end of the day, although there were other reasons it was firstly my ex-fiances mistrust for me that slowly pushed me away like you say.
That’s why I think this article is so important so thankyou for writing it Sam.
On a slightly random question is there a difference between mistrust and distrust? It has been a while since my grammar schooling days and I got briefly confused when choosing my words there.
All the best
Hi Jen,
Thanks for sharing your story. There’s a lot that can be learnt from understanding what it feels like to be unfairly mistrusted. Hopefully some of the people who have trouble with trust who read your comment will be able to empathise with how it feels to be on the other side and use some of the advice given.
It’s interesting how you mention these symptoms evolving as social websites become more popular. I know lots of people who check their partner’s e-mails and private messages all the time. Whilst these people commonly justify their actions by proclaiming “well they shouldn’t have anything to hide anyway”, the basis behind feeling the need to check them secretly in the first place is a gross product of mistrust and insecurity. It’s definitely the first sign that there is distrust in the relationship so you are right to highlight it.
As for the definitions, I was always taught that “distrust” is a more extreme version of “mistrust”. Mistrust is used to describe suspicion or vague doubts about someone’s authenticity, whereas distrust describes a complete lack of trust. In terms of relationships, persistent mistrust will eventually lead to distrust, which is a lot harder to repair.
Thanks for commenting,
Sam
Hi Sam,
Could you talk more about the “social tools” you refer to? What do you mean by “never alluding to relationship status”?
Hey Paul,
The social tools I was referring to are the ways we communicate to others that we are happily in a relationship and not interested in anything more than friendship. There are a lot of assumptions that are made when a man approaches or interacts with a woman and as women get older and more socially experienced, they become a lot more intuitive towards what a man is sub-communicating when he interacts with her.
The most common way that a female will learn to diffuse seductive social situations is to simply refer to her boyfriend and relationship in conversation. This can be directly if someone is being particularly forward towards her.
Alluding to relationship status means making out that you are more available than you actually are. This can be a cause of social naivety (underestimating or misunderstanding someone’s intentions of attraction or seduction for example) or it can be intentional due to not actually being completely content in their current relationship.
If a girlfriend or boyfriend (typically the younger generation who aren’t as socially experienced yet) worries about any of the above, then by helping them learn those social tools they will feel a lot more comfortable in all social environments where they are likely to be pursued.
Thanks for your question,
Sam
Thanks Sam,
I’ve sent you an e-mail with more detail.
I have a question:
My gf and I have been going out for 2 years now. She’s on a study abroad program for the next 3 months. We’ve been apart for 1 month now. Before she left, we discussed our relationship status, and we agreed that we both want to be together for the long term. We’ve also talked marriage as well. Anyway, we have a slightly modified relationship for the study abroad term. We are allowed to dance, flirt, accept drinks from members of the opposite sex- normally we wouldn’t. My gf didn’t want any rules at all because she didn’t want to be constantly worried about them because in a totally monogamous relationship she wouldn’t feel comfortable flirting, dancing and accepting drinks from guys. She said that If we truly trust one another, and want to be with each other, we won’t need any rules because everything will follow. She said the most she could see doing is making out with someone, but sex or anything romantic is naturally off limits for both of us. She said making out was highly unlikely and probably wouldn’t even happen.
Anyway, one night she had too much to drink and one of the guys on her trip offered to walk her home. Apparently when he dropped her off, they made out. She doesn’t remember exactly what happened though, but she did come to me and tell me about the issue, so I can trust her in that sense.
I feel hurt because I trusted her not to make out with anyone, and it seems as if she had. Of course, I don’t know the whole story/ situation so I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but I’ve been thinking very negatively about trust and everything.
Do you have any advice/ opinions about the situation? Do I have any valid reasons to not trust her? I feel as if she’ll make some poor decisions with alcohol in the future on the trip, and that worries me.
Hi,
In a long-term relationship there are inevitably going to be times where the relationship has to deviate from its natural setup. Prolonged time apart is the most common of these.
Purposefully modifying a monogamous relationship in these circumstances, whilst usually done with good intentions, can lead to several damning situations though. Exemption from responsibility and an overall confusion about the true setup and mutuality of the relationship are two possible consequences.
The fact that your girlfriend is in a new and presumably exciting environment could make any confusion even more poignant.
Your girlfriend telling you about what has gone on already does show that she is thinking about the relationship and your feelings, despite what happened. Although it may seem slightly counter-intuitive, she should actually be praised and encouraged to continue to be so open with you.
The reason I mentioned in the beginning of this response that purposeful modifications to a relationship are not necessary is because they won’t actual deter from what may or may not happen whilst you are apart… How you act and embrace the relationship DURING the time apart is what will prevent any momentary emotions taking over.
What this essentially comes down to is balancing how often you speak to each other along with how much you miss each other (the times you are not speaking to each other). If her making out with other guys goes against the core values and setup of your relationship then you can let her know how it makes you feel, which is fine as long as it is not done in a needy or defiant way. Do you know how she would feel if the roles were reversed?
The trust aspect only comes into play when both of you know exactly what is and what is not acceptable in your relationship and this shouldn’t be clouded by circumstances such as being abroad or drinking alcohol!
Thanks for writing and let me know how the rest of the time apart goes,
Sam
Hi Sam,
This was a great article, and one of the more genuine ones that I have yet read. I especially agree that the feeling of mistrust is often a direct result of past experiences and that the mistrusted partner in question may feel unfairly judged as they are stamped with the consequences of the actions of men or women before them.
My question is, what is the limit to which the partner with the trust issues should be justified in being upset about. Is it right for men to flirt/look just a little? Because they are men? Or is it right for women to enjoy it when another man hits on her? Because it makes her feel special?
Where is the limit in what we should and should not be jealous about?
Hi Cora,
That is a great question. When it comes to boundaries and trust in a relationship, it is more the intent behind the action rather than the action itself and this differs between relationships.
Flirting is fun, attractive and validating so in itself is not necessarily a harmful thing towards a monogamous relationship. If there is any sexual intent or intentional disrespect for a partner as a motive for flirting then that will most definitely be harmful.
The limit of what is acceptable will be different for each couple. Whilst unwarranted jealousy is something specific to work on in a relationship, there is a responsibility as a loving partner to not fuel any insecurity or feelings of mistrust that a partner might feel. In this case the limit will be the point where you know that what you are doing will be seen as disrespectful by your other half.
Thanks for reading and for the interesting discussion,
Sam
So I’m currently having a hard time with my boyfriend. I ask him every couple of months to confirm his feelings for me, and ask him if he will always remain faithful to me, and other misc. questions that are similar. It’s driving his nuts, and it kills me to put him into these bad moods where he is stressed out pushes away from me. We were both unhappy in relationships when we met, and I’m sure that must have something to do with my insecurities. What can I do to trust him to the point where I don’t bother him with these questions?!
Hi Julie,
Asking direct questions about a partner’s feelings and faithfulness are always going to come across as untrusting. Even if they are asked with genuine intentions, think about how they will be interpreted. It is basically saying, “However much I trust you, I have suspicions that you aren’t sincere.” Although those feelings may stem from past experiences, your boyfriend is still going to feel them as a direct scrutiny of his character.
The first thing to do is to make a conscious effort to prevent yourself from asking probing questions like the ones you mention. When you feel the associated emotions building up, let some of the rationalisation of how it affects your relationship help prevent you asking them.
A far better alternative to gauge his feelings and commitment is to take some time to plan something special and thoughtful for him, whatever that may be. His reaction to something like that will be a far more genuine reflection of his true feelings.
You can then encourage him to show his feelings more often through expression, rather than having to verbalise them to you. You can tell him how much you love being reassured of his commitment and desires, although never demand anything from it.
As the above article discusses, it isn’t your boyfriend that you have to trust, it is yourself, or rather your judgement that you must learn to trust. Some of the short fixes will hopefully help achieve that in the long run.
I hope some of that helps and thanks for writing,
Sam
Thank you Sam for your advice, it’s much appreciated!
Hi Sam,
I am currently in an akward and hard situation. I have met a 21 year old girl who was 3 weeks from moving 3k miles away from where we met and decided to stay so we could attempt to try and be a couple. Do to her circumstances we were forced to live together right away. I am 26 myself. I knew we were making a mistake from the beginning and we talked about it. I myself havent been in a relationship for 4.5 years do to rough past relationships. I would first like to say your article was unbeleivably helpfull. I do however have a problem trusting her still and i feel its easy to get caught up so easy after only being together for 2 months. I beleive we really do have alot in common past/future etc. But i am bumbed she does have a few things I dislike, going to the beach with friends and guys while im at work without the offer. Constant mood swings and confrontation over minor things. I would like to get into more detail in a later post. But curious on your thoughts and insight.
Thank you sam
Hey Jimmy,
A relationship progressing quickly and somewhat unorthodox (living together immediately in your case) is always going to be testing, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it is flawed by default. A relationship is only “moving too fast” if each person’s feelings and intentions are in conflict.
To start to trust your girlfriend more you want to start by creating a better mutual understanding in the relationship. Knowing how each of you is feeling and what sets off the mood swings and any confrontation would be the first step to solving those issues.
With regards to your girlfriend going to the beach with friends without you, does it appear to be malicious or simply a misunderstanding or conflict of interests? It’s actually healthy for each person in the relationship to have their own social life as well as a joint one, as long as it is an addition to the relationship and not a replacement for it. Your girlfriend may be doing this simply to take some of the intensity off of living together so soon in the relationship.
Whatever the reason is, it is in your hands to make an active effort to become more involved with her social life and friends. At the same time, if you are making a conscious effort to keep the relationship relaxed and fun like it should be in the first few months, then living together and any issues of mistrust should be circumstantial factors and not defining issues.
Thanks for writing and feel free to provide the other details you mentioned if you would like more specific advice.
Sam
Thanks for the reply,
Well tonight was tough. This past weekend we went to meet the fam (hers).
Went well somewhat, untill we had a minor disagreement and we had a weird vibe. I always try to push through it and talk about it calmly. She gives me the cold shoulder. I try and ignore that and give her time which ive recently discovered she is not emotionaly ready but want to stay trying and were both understanding of this. She had a break up 6 months before our relationship and i had asked her if she was ready for this with a yes she replys so i mKe an effort of letting myself emotionally go for the better of the relationship. Yes i know its fast but feelings grow fast living together. Back to my tough night, she went to see her xbf to aquire left behind belongings and talk about previous details. I get a text saying she received a call from some girl saying that shes been dating me for a while. Obviously not true. ( either a crazy secret admirer or desperate attempt from a friend of the xbf.) but entirely confused by the whole thing because she now obviously doesnt know what to beleive and scarred of this. I said lol to the whole thing not knowing what to make of it. Not sure what to do let her go/try and explain and hope she comes around? Any info is helpfull and thanks for dealing with the scrambling of words
Hi again,
The relationship does sound rather tense at times from what you’ve described, which is probably heightened further if your girlfriend still seems emotionally affected by her past relationships.
If you can make an effort to take some of the pressure off in the relationship, then it should help calm some of that tension which seems to be causing conflict. I know you live together and as a result, your feelings for each other have developed very quickly but it seems that a lot of the fun and attractive aspects of the relationship are getting clouded by instances of conflict and the necessity to constantly be solving them.
You don’t have to verbally explain any of the above but try and make your time together a bit more light-hearted and fun until you both naturally develop a conflict-solving strategy, whilst still being understanding of her emotional needs and desires.
If the mystery text example comes under the guise of some of the above issues then the same advice applies. If it is something that is genuinely upsetting for your girlfriend then there’s nothing more you can do other than be resolute in your sincerity. Perhaps you can also find out more details such as who sent it, along with their reasoning, to help your cause but try not to give it any more attention than is required to gain your girlfriend’s trust in the matter.
Take care,
Sam
Hi first of all, i would like to say ur article is extremely helpful but im still having trouble trusting my girlfriend. We have been together for 5 months now and we both just went on a trip to China. However, we are in different places. We always keep in touch txting and a few times webcamming and phone calls, but sometimes we seem to not answer my txts as fast. i wait for over 5 hours from 7 to 12 midnight for her to reply. She said she forgot her cell phone and has told me she is a very forgetful person. I say i understand but in my heart i feel as though she might be lying to me. She is an attractive girl and says she likes to hang around guys more than girls because she believes guys are more “i dont care” type while girls are more “selfish” type. i dont know wat she means by that. I would appreciate some guidance here and i admit your work.
Hey John,
The time it takes for someone to respond via text-message varies considerably. The important thing to notice is HOW she responds when she does. Does she write like she misses you? Does she always seem keen to hear from you? These are the important things to note, not how long it took her to reply.
Trust in a long-distance relationship, or even if you are just temporarily away from each other, is about letting your girlfriend know that she has a fulfilling relationship with you but that it doesn’t rule her life. You want her to think of you and receive a spike of positive emotions, not feeling that she ever has to check in on you or reply just to appease you.
The best advice I can give to prevent worrying about what she might be up to or thinking of during the times you don’t hear from her is to keep yourself busy. Take your mind completely off of waiting for her to respond and simply look forward to when you do get to speak to each other and make that time really enjoyable. Forcing her to change her ways whilst she is away, unless she actually wants to, will likely do more harm than good.
All the best and thanks for reading the website,
Sam
Hi Sam,
Thank you for this article it has really helped me a lot. I have some trust issues with my girlfriend that during the times that I am not with her I feel like she is doing something wrong and I also wake in the middle of the night thinking that she might have someone else in her life, or she has another boyfriend. how can I get this FEAR that I have of loosing my girlfriend???? hope you can help me.
Hey Kirby,
It is important to distinguish between trust and fear in these instances. Assuming your girlfriend has never given you justifiable reasons not to trust her, the first step is realising that all of these fears are solely created in your mind and are not a true reflection of your girlfriend’s trustworthiness.
People deal with these sorts of anxieties in a number of ways and you want to find a way that works for you in relaxing, or somewhat contradictory, busying your mind during these times. Then, each time you are with your girlfriend, reaffirm to yourself just how great your relationship is (a result of constantly being the best boyfriend you can be) and also reaffirm how trustworthy your girlfriend is. Enjoying your relationship and acknowledging the reality of the situation over time will start to act as a positive feedback loop, rationalising a lot of these fears as illusory.
I hope that give you some ideas to start with but useful advice for any relationship is to always be acting on the thoughts that enrich your relationship, whilst disregarding all the thoughts that you know do not enrich it.
All the best and thanks for reading,
Sam
Hi Sam, I am in a relatively new relationship (2 months). I have been having an issue recently where my girlfriend will not tell me about social events within her life. It’s not that I want to know every detail it’s just that I am trying to take a general interest in her life and want to know more about her friends and co workers.
Recently she attended her first concert, which was with a male coworker. I had no idea she was going to this concert. She never mentioned it to me personally. I found out about it on Facebook when she made a post about going to see this artist. The next day we took a long drive to go visit someone (an hour and a half away) and she didn’t say anything about the concert the entire way. I played dumb about not knowing because I feel something as eventful as a concert should be brought up by her on her own and tell me how fun it was or what songs were played etc. I don’t want her thinking I was snooping her page and that’s how I found out. I feel as if there is a strong lapse in communication within our relationship. I tried talking to her about this later that night, stressing that in the future I would like her to tell me about her social life because she WANTS to and not feel obligated to. She replied by saying that she doesn’t want to feel like she has to report to anyone and just wants to do her thing. I want her to be more open with me without seeming like an over obsessive controlling boyfriend, which I am not. I trust my girlfriend and this is the only thing really hurting our relationship. I highely doubt she is cheating on me, she is very loving and doesn’t do anything to hide our relationship.
I tried to give this time, but just a couple days ago we were talking on the phone, and she was telling me about her day and that later tonight she was going out with her “coworker somewhere.” I didn’t ask with who or where. I know her coworkers are all males. I just don’t want to be that boyfriend that is always asking these questions that make it seem as if I am keeping tabs on her. How can I get her to stop being so vague about who she is hanging out with by say “my co worker” and just say things like “my co worker Steve and I are gonna check out this bar tonight?”
What is your advise?
Hey Glenn,
I know exactly where you are coming from and whilst I can tell you are interested in your girlfriend’s social life for the right reasons, it is very easy to come across as insincere when talking to her about it.
You can’t force your girlfriend to willingly be more open but you can convey interest in ways that show you are interested in what she is getting up to and not why she is getting up to it. As you say, you definitely want to avoid ever coming across as suspicious or overbearing.
As the relationship is still fairly new, your girlfriend may naturally become more open as the two of you start to integrate your social lives more. Meeting some of her other friends and colleagues and making a good impression with them is one way of becoming more involved overall.
Aside from that, there is always a right way and a wrong way to get your girlfriend to express herself more readily. Even the example you give regarding Facebook can come across as showing confident interest as opposed to snooping: it is all in the delivery of how you mention it and the tone behind it.
How often and how specific your girlfriend is in talking about her other plans and experiences reflects directly to how sincere your interest comes across. You should be just as excited to tell her about what you have been up to since you last spoke as you are to hear about what she has been up to.
Thanks for commenting and let me know how things progress.
Sam
i have been going out with my boyfriend for a bit over a year, neither of us have been in a real relationship before and we have both been hurt by other people, we love each other alot! but are going through a tough time right now, i trust him but sometimes i just slip up and become the ‘controlling girlfriend’ i hate this and we both seem to blame ourselves.. i am determined to change this because i want this to work and i know it can but we want to be a bit less serious less pressure on our relationship, please help thank you
Hi Lara,
Trust has two foundations: first is an understanding of each other’s desires and happiness in the relationship, and the second is being considerate towards each other’s feelings.
As you both came into the relationship with similar experiences, it should make it easier to empathise and work on these things together.
It is great that you both love each other so much. One way to take some of the intensity or pressure off is to keep the relationship in perspective. Think of the relationship as two people linked by trust and intimacy through CHOICE, rather than the two of you being constrained to each other.
However long a couple have been together, suppressing that urge to act controlling or insecure acts as a positive feedback loop within the relationship. Sharing your feelings rather than showing your feelings works in this respect.
You both seem to be on the same wavelength and wanting the same things from the relationship. Taking a moment to think rationally whenever you feel any negative emotions starting to manifest should solidify that trust over time and in turn increase your empathy towards each other.
All the best and thanks for writing,
Sam
very enligtening article. I believe its a two way street when it comes to trust so here’s my question: is it possible for women in a relationship to make male friends and view and treat them as if they were females?
Hi Dax,
If I understand your question correctly, I assume when you say “treat them as if they were females” that you are specifically referring to desexualising them (i.e. having no sexual attraction towards them).
It is not a case of having to treat them as a different gender. Men and women differ in a whole host of ways, so it would be difficult to view a masculine male in a feminine manner.
What matters is that the woman (or man if the example is reversed) in a relationship puts that relationship above any potential romance elsewhere!
This will initially be a subconscious decision based on how fulfilling that relationship is. Once a woman is completely fulfilled within her relationship, being attracted to other men isn’t a threat to that relationship because she will always be ‘more attracted’ and decidedly faithful to her chosen partner.
I hope that answers your question,
Sam
Hi Sam,
I feel that my trust issues are the typical trust issues guys have with their gfs. My gf and I have recently broken up so I can work on my insecurities outside of a relationship. First of all, is that a typical thing for a gf to want (Breaking up so I can work on inner-problems I have outside a relationship?) Anyways, we were together for nearly 3 years and before her I put all my trust into my previous gf who cheated on me with a male “friend” she had. I fear now that any male “friend” my gf will have would be an attraction to her and ruin our relationship by kissing or such. I feel that cheating on someone is something as simple as kissing, so I worry that if my gf is out at bars and such now that we’re not really together guys will offer her drinks and maybe some kissing becomes an option or something. She tells me that this is a time for us to work on things, not for her to screw around on me, but I can’t get myself to know that nothing is going on. I need some guidance as how to know that no cheating will happen with guys at the bar, or any of her male “friends”. Thank you so much for the article and the advice in advance.
Hey Tyler,
A woman will only advocate a breakup if the relationship isn’t working for her, regardless of whose “fault” it is. The way you have phrased it makes it sound more like a typical “going on a break” situation.
Going on a break represents a conflict in emotions and an imbalance in affection and attraction. I imagine this is where your girlfriend is coming from and although going on a break can be the awakening that some couples require, you must make sure that it actually initiates CHANGES in the relationship.
In your case, you know the main reasons for the break but if the relationship is going to work, you ultimately want to work on things TOGETHER. Some fundamental factors for trust in a relationship are reassurance, support and a belief in each other. These things are far easier to achieve together. As your example shows, the insecurities become more intense when you aren’t certain of the status of your relationship.
Although it was your girlfriend that instigated the break, you can be the one to lead the relationship from here; in fact, this is probably what she WANTS you to do!
As I’ve written about in other articles, being hurt in a past relationship has no bearing on whether you will be hurt in your current one, unless you let those past emotions continue to have an emotional hold over you and your new relationship.
Think of ways you can make this relationship better than your past relationships in every way, and create a level of understanding and trust beyond what you had before. The sooner you can do this the better, as the next step is discussing these revelations with your girlfriend in a decisive and confident manner.
There is no need to have a big, emotional discussion; actions speak louder than words in these instances. As soon as you can agree to be together again, you can start living the relationship “in the moment”, without worrying about the past, or about what your girlfriend ‘could’ get up to.
All the best and thanks for writing,
Sam
Hey Sam! Just found this website today and the timing could not have been any better. I feel as though you wrote this article specifically for me because I can associate myself with practically everything you wrote! Now down to my point: I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend (Rose) for 7 months, however a month ago my parents decided to move to Europe, so I was forced to come along due to lack of shelter, money, and numerous other necessities. So naturally, going from seeing one another almost every day to using only Skype and email… well, I’m sure you understand
Up until the move, I have been perfectly happy with how things were.
However, ever since the move, I’ve started having frequent bouts of severe jealousy and suspicion about what Rose is doing. She tells me everything, suffering through every question of every tiny detail that I ask her, and she does it without complaint. However, about the same time I moved, she began talking to some older guy (a friend of my brother’s and his girlfriend, with whom she is also friends) and naturally – unfortunately even – I became immediately suspicious and jealous. Knowing that there was another guy she regularly talked to, a guy I did not know, brought me to the point where (and I will carry the shame and regret till the day I die) I snooped onto her Facebook to check on what they were talking to each other about. I should have mentioned that by the way, that they spoke through Facebook, but I digress. There I found that he was, in a very obvious and rather blunt manner, flirting with her. She also flirted back, but it was very light and there wasn’t anything in what she said that suggested being anything more than just friends. However, it was clear that he had thoughts that suggested otherwise. It seemed to me (and not the jealous me) that he had hopes of taking advantage of me being 4,000-some miles away from her. However, she spoke of me a lot to him and about how she loves me and how she misses me very much, so it wasn’t as though I didn’t exist in the situation. However, he failed to take the hint and continued to flirt.
My jealousy was getting more and more severe to the point where one could call it depression. Rose constantly asked me what was wrong, however I always told her it was being apart from her that was causing my moodiness. I just could not bring myself to tell her that I had snooped onto her Facebook to check on what the two of them were saying, because that would mean I did not trust her and I didn’t want her to know that. One night however, it got so bad (my depression that is) that while she was sleeping while we were on Skype I wrote her an email about what I had done and why, and how it bothered me so much that there was another guy that made her smile and that she (a bit of a strong word but I can not think of another) devoted herself to talking with him. Also, I had wrote that it was by no means an excuse for my behavior. Well (and this is just one example of how amazing she is) she forgave me for it and said it was no big deal, that I was just curious and everything was fine.
She continued to talk to him and I continued to get depressed more and more, until one night I had told her that I was going to break up with her, not because of her, but because of me. I am by no means an idiot, thank god, so I could see just how my depression, anger, and jealousy were affecting and hurting her, and so I decided that the best thing to do was to break up, because then she wouldn’t have to deal with my bullish*t (pardon the use of improper language here
). However, she convinced me to stay with her, telling me how she loves me and that she needs me in her life. It also helps that despite saying it, deep down inside, I did not want to leave her. On top of that, without even me saying or asking, she promptly deactivated her Facebook without a complaint and told me she stopped talking to him.
However, again I wasn’t convinced and I reactivated it, checked the messages, and discovered that she had told him her Skype name and that she invited him to continue talking to her from there. Again, I told her this and she promptly created a new one just for me (She doesn’t use the old one anymore). Now, by this point you’re thoughts towards me, both you Sam and other readers, are no doubt purely negative. In fact, I would not be surprised if there will be comments telling me how despicable and untrusting I am, and how she would in fact be better off with someone else, a fact I constantly remind her of. However, she is aware that it is her choice and despite everything I make her go though, she continues to stay with me. Also, I’m really really sorry this is so long haha, but I have a lot to say
Anyway, so now she stays on this one Skype account and she never went on her Facebook since then. I feel horrible though because of how I’m controlling her life.
At first I was really afraid that because Rose talks with my brother’s girlfriend so much, that my brother’s gf will either tell the older guy Rose’s number or Rose will ask for her for his to continue talking. This fear, however, has lessened over time thankfully, however it has only succeeded in opening a doorway into a world full of doubt and mistrust. Today, after I had woken up at 6 in the morning to find Rose up at midnight (6 hour time difference from Europe to the United States’ East Coast) texting people. I don’t know who, I didn’t want to ask because I wanted to stay away from reinforcing my mistrust in her even more, however it caused me to send her some things while she was sleeping via text that finally prompted her to want to break up with me, due to my lack of trust in her. Despite everything I had previously said, this caused me to beg her to give me one more chance, a chance I am determined to not throw away.
Rose means everything to me. She was the one who saved me when my first girlfriend of three months turned lesbian and promptly dumped me, something that cut me deep to my core. I was never big on relationships in the first place, to be honest. Before I had even gotten into one I already had my mind set on searching for ‘the one.’ Well, when my first dropped me, I became severely depressed, losing all motivation and inspiration, essentially losing the will to not only make it anywhere in life, but to also DO anything with my life. Normally I would try and lighten the mood with some light joke about teenagers and love, but for once I won’t
Anyway, Rose was the one who stood by and lent me not only her ear and her shoulder, but also her heart. I love her deeply, to the point where I would jump in front of a bullet for her and not think twice. I just don’t want to lose her, and when she had told me we were over, well, I panicked and began begging for another chance, as well as making promises that I will change and that I will trust her from now on. However, I’m afraid that despite what happened, despite what I had said and promised (and I did mean it), the moment will again arrive, where she’ll go out with friends or I’ll find her up at night texting a mysterious person and I’ll becoming mistrustful of her as well as jealous and depressed.
What do I do, how do I go about doing it, and how do I calm and relax myself and let go of these mistrustful and jealous feelings? I DO NOT want what happened today to happen again, and so I am willing to do whatever it takes to get there, to get to trusting her, but I just need something that I can think of that will allow me to let these feelings go. Does that make sense? Basically, when I again begin to feel these negative feelings, I need something that I can think of or do that will stop them from growing any bigger.
I’m terribly sorry about the length of this post, honest I am. I’ve never been good at summarizing and for your sake, Sam (and for the sake of other readers), I deeply regret not working on that skill. Ah well! In any case, I do hope you can help me with my trust and jealousy issues, and that I can finally again be happy for my Rose that she has a social life that doesn’t keep her cooped up in her house talking to me on Skype/through text all day. Thanks again!
Hey Liam,
Apologies my response rate has been slower than usual. I’ve been away speaking at a few seminars and have had a lot of private clients recently. I will reply to your post as best I can but if you want a more detailed and faster response in the future, I do offer a premium email service for a small fee. If you’re interested, use the contact form at the top of the website to contact me directly.
Now, to your questions…
A relationship can easily become distorted when there is a sudden change in how it functions. A long distance relationship definitely requires a lot more effort to keep the relationship as fulfilling as possible in every way you can.
Signs of jealousy and constantly wondering what your girlfriend is getting up to are common when suddenly parted in this way: you’re used to being a big part of each other’s lives and knowing those lives intricately and so it is a big change.
As for dealing with trust in a long distance relationship, a lot of the same principles apply, as listed in the main article. You do have to have an even more astute level of communication with each other to make it work though. If your girlfriend seems to purposefully hide details during common conversation then that is something to discuss together, however I think you’ll agree that some of your actions have breached a lot of the relationship’s boundaries of mutual respect.
One thing that is consistent amongst long distance relationships is if you are constantly seeking closure of some sort whilst apart (in this case it is every time you have a suspicion about your girlfriend) it’s going to drive you crazy and ultimately impair the relationship. You have to be even more self-assured and accepting whilst in a long distance relationship than if you were physically together.
With all that said, you now have the opportunity to properly turn over a new leaf. As you’ve acknowledged, you are with what sounds like an amazing girlfriend who has put up with a lot of mistrust and insinuation. If you don’t believe that she genuinely wants to be with you and only you after all this, then there isn’t much anyone can say to further convince you; you must convince yourself!
The first step now is to restrict the actions that exasperate any negative feelings you have. Make a promise to yourself not to check your girlfriend’s private messages again and not to mention any other guys in the context of mistrust when speaking to her anymore. This may be a tough exercise at first where you’re constantly biting your tongue but the less time you spend nurturing your worries, the less intense they will be! If you instead spend your time treating your girlfriend like a proud and secure boyfriend should (several parts of your comment inform me that you do know what that correct mindset is if you work at it) then you will always be pulling your girlfriend closer rather than pushing her away.
Long distance relationships are actually great for personal development. They highlight a lot of the insecurities that may get hidden in more typical relationship setups. They also give you the time and space to work on those insecurities without directly affecting your relationship.
It may sound like a naïve approach but constantly assuming the best from your girlfriend whilst simultaneously treating her in a way that would reflect such a mindset, is the best way to solidify trust. Think of gaps in your girlfriend’s daily accounts as irrelevant to your relationship, rather than as clues leading towards suspicions.
You’ve got a great opportunity to put the last few months behind you and start the relationship with renewed excitement, attraction and most importantly, trust!
All the best and like I said, if you want to discuss anything further then feel free to contact me via the website’s contact form and we can sort something out.
Sam
Hey sam!
Well, this article certainly has opened my eyes to some things.
I am in a long distance relationship.
My girlfriend is headed off to Ibiza (A tropical vacation spot in Europe) she is but 16 years old and myself 17. I know I am young, and she is younger and I. I really do love her, and im sure she loves me. As we have been in constant communication for 10 months.
The thing that bugs me is that she PROMISES me not to touch alcohol, but still, deep down, it just bugs me. I really don’t know how she would be able to acquire alcohol at a vacation spot which requires one to be 18 to consume it but, it really just bugs me for no good reason. Maybe it’s because the people she lives around tend to get drunk by it. I honestly don’t mind her drinking a controlled amount in a safe environment, but it just scares me.
I know she would never cheat on me in real life or otherwise, or else she would not be wasting my time in this relationship. (If she did have the nerve to waste my time in this manner, I would promptly break up, and honestly, just laugh at myself for having been so dumb as to get into the relationship in the first place.)
I do ponder her with the SAME nitpicking questions over and over again, I even ask her friends, (whom most of which I know) and they give me the same answers. ‘she never has touched alcohol! Never will!
’ ‘She would never cheat on you!’ ‘she’s one of the most trustworthy people I know!’ We’ve broken up four times and have gotten back together promptly in the past, but it was due to a huge mis-trust between us. I feel my trust with her has grown stronger over time, despite the weakness that was show in the past.
But yeah, thank you for the article, it has really helped. Are there any good ways to boost my self confidence, my confidence in her, and how well I trust people? This may have been a bit much, sorry if I have not summarized right. But thank you sam.
Hey Ryan,
I’m glad you liked the article and you sound like a really clued up guy.
In this case, it is easy to become your own worst enemy. The thing with trust is that although it is something that grows stronger over time, you almost have to give the other person 100% to start with, rather than the other way around.
Unless your girlfriend does anything to oppose that trust then you must try hard to frame everything as her being trustworthy and your relationship being solid. If your girlfriend chooses not to drink alcohol, or even if she ends up drinking some, it shouldn’t matter if everything else is in place.
Talking to her friends about those sorts of issues isn’t necessarily bad, as long as you are showing that you care about your girlfriend, rather than you not trusting her. If her friends like you and think you are good for her then they won’t want you to get screwed over.
A great mentality to have is to assume complete trust in the people that are important in your life and project the image of a guy who won’t accept anything on the contrary. This is a mindset you actually hinted at in the middle of your comment but you have to start fully believing it. People like being trusted and a girlfriend in particular will want to live up to positive attributes that you place on her.
All the best and thanks for writing,
Sam
Hi Sam, great article. I have lots of issues trusting my girlfriend. I am 35, she is 41. I met her online and we got together while she was in the states. She went back to Canada and we agreed to be exclusive and to be in a long term relationship. we developed deep feelings for each other and we want to build a family. Here is the kicker, we both discussed our previous relationships in depth and details. Crazy!! I know. She admitted to have cheated on one of her boyfriends twice. One of the men was a married man. She had an affair with him for a year. The other one was an old boyfriend that she was with, three weeks after the married man. She kept in touch with the married man after the fact and the guy ended up introducing his wife to her at a social function (shameless, I know). They became acquaintances and my girlfriend even helped them get a condo in Florida (doing research, exchanging e-mails with the wife, etc.). A whole mess. When she talked to me about it she did not seem remorseful a bit. She said that the boyfriend she was with was a long distance relationship and that the sex was unfulfilling and that he was an alcoholic on top of that. My question was, why did she not leave him then? Why have an affair with the married man, travel every month to Bahamas to have unfulfilling sex with the boyfriend and come back to keep having sex with the lover. Complete lack of moral boundaries. She said she did not know, that it was not as easy and that the affairs just served the purpose of fulfilling her sexual needs. Wow. I was floored hearing her talk like this. We have been together for 9 months already and physically about 4 months all together. I am a very moral guy. I don’t lie and I don’t cheat. I have caught her in numerous lies, mostly involving keeping in touch with her ex boyfriends. Contacting them for stupid stuff, but why do it behind my back? She remained best friends with the boyfriend she cheated on twice (he does not have a clue) and I was fine with that. She lied to me too many times and I broke up with her because I told her it is hard enough to have a long distance relationship, to add mistrust to the equation. I told her that her past is a red flag that she is capable of doing deceitful things (the affair happened 7 years ago). She said she has changed, but why after telling me all this, would she keep lying to me? I came back with her and gave her another chance. I told her she needed to earn my trust again. How can she do that? And how can I trust her?
Hey Oscar,
The main reason why people do not recommend discussing past relationships with a new partner is because it can so easily influence how you perceive and how you treat them. Knowing those details is not a bad thing though as long as you can keep your views on it rational.
Every past relationship is a learning process, whether that process is acknowledged or not. Just because your girlfriend has cheated in the past, does not necessarily mean she will do so again. Everyone is capable of doing deceitful things… It is merely circumstances, moral strength and the nature of their relationship experiences that dictates whether they actually will.
Verbal trust is not always sincere and someone who has ‘successfully’ lied in the past can get into the habit of lying, even if there is no real need to. What you want to do is actively change your girlfriend’s philosophy towards relationships and honesty. This is achieved in a number of ways, which all ultimately come down to ensuring that your relationship is the best relationship she has ever been in!
Rather than putting the onus on your girlfriend to EARN your trust, reframe it as your duty to be someone that she WANTS to be trusted by. Respect is a term that encompasses this mindset; you want your girlfriend to wholeheartedly respect you and the relationship! Think of it like there was something about her past relationships and boyfriends that led to her cheating, rather than her being inherently untrustworthy.
As for sparking change in the little lies she tells, that once again comes down to your attitude with her. People get into the habit of telling small lies due to previous social experiences and by subconsciously weighing up the risk-reward of telling such lies. You want to encourage your girlfriend to be more open with you, which is achieved by having a completely non-judgemental attitude.
Try and get to the point where you are not in any way judgemental about her past or about her keeping in touch with ex-boyfriends so that she knows and believes this is the case. She will consequently be far less likely to hide stuff from you whilst the relationship is simultaneously happy and fulfilling.
Her disposition towards cheating is hard to forcibly change but what you can do is continue to create a relationship that she wants to honour, respect and continually be a part of. Mould the ground-rules together, don’t stipulate them!
I hope some of that helps and thanks for reading the website,
Sam
Thanks for your response Sam. Very good points. While I agree that she might have lied to me in order to avoid being attacked, in my mind it does not justify her lying. You see. I am a rare breed of man. I tell her everything. Whether she wants to hear it or not. She knows everything. She would never be blindsided by anything and I expect the same treatment in return. I prefer a crude and screwed up truth than a beautiful lie. But that’s how I was raised. One of the things, and might be the main thing, she admires about me (according to her), is that I am a stand up honest guy. She always knows were she stands with me. The problem is that she is not. She was raised under different standards. She was raised with different morals and with a total lack of boundaries. I understand I am not all high and mighty or perfect, but is it crazy for me to expect the same respect from her as I give her? We are in a fulfilling relationship but it is hard to not think about her past when her past is what molded her to be the person she is today. She has acknowledged her faults, which is a big step and she claims she wants to change and she admires how I live my life, but I do see the struggle and I do see some of her old self (lying being one of the issues) flashing before my eyes. Like I said, she was able to do pretty screwed up things before me. She has been a mistress twice. Once with a married man while she was with a boyfriend; and before that 2 years with a man who was in a relationship with another woman and never broke up with her. She was the mistress for two years. When I asked her why would she accept to be the other woman, she said she thinks is because it was a challenged and she thought she could win him eventually and pulled him away from the other woman. Wow. This shows a huge lack of self esteem. I adore her because I see beyond these flaws. I truly believe she has a good heart, but she has not had the opportunity to assert herself and really think about what she wants and what she has done. She always chose to forget and keep going. Never learning from her mistakes. I really appreciate your response and she read it and agreed a 100% but like I told her… “does it justify the fact that you lied to me?” her response was NO. It does not justify it but it does explain why I did it. I agree and look forward to keep working with her. She is worth it. I appreciate the response and the time you took to answer it.
Hi again,
You have summed up the discussion perfectly and not only do you sound like an honest and caring guy, you seem to be fully aware and understanding of the whole situation. I am sure you can enjoy a very fulfilling relationship if you both continue working on yourselves and the relationship together.
One thing that caught my attention in your response was the term “justified”, as in whether your girlfriend’s actions were justified or not. From a psychological point of view, every behavioural trait is justified at the time of event. Even if your girlfriend knows in hindsight that lying is not the best choice, she had very real reasons to do so at the time, even if just to avoid personal anxiety. This is a similar process for how we all make decisions on our own behaviour and like you say, it plays a big part in the person we are today.
You have partially answered your own questions when you talked about your respective backgrounds and why you might have developed traits that your girlfriend has not. People can change very easily though and you can certainly be the basis for her renewed outlook. In most cases this won’t be an overnight occurrence but it seems that you are already positively influencing her attitude.
The key from now on lies in cognitive awareness and if you do catch your girlfriend lying, letting her come to her own conclusion that telling the truth is more beneficial for everyone, not by accosting her but by being emotionally strong, attractive and reassuring.
All the best and let me know how things work out,
Sam
Hey, I’ve been dating a girl online for about 4 months now.
I got real bad trust issues. I’ve been cheated on before, so it’s like everything you said. It’s hard to trust anyone now.
But, do you have any suggestions on how to trust her more? She is in Kentucky, I am in California…The separation makes trusting her even harder for me….I love her like crazy, and I really want to trust her 110%…I really do, I want nothing more then to just feel okay and not worry when she is hanging out with a guy friend.
Thanks so much for your help already,
Justin~
Hey Justin,
In a situation like yours it can be difficult to always be secure with the relationship regarding trust.
Remember that trust is a mutual thing. What you want to do is find the balance between letting this woman know your true intentions and interest, and not being overbearing or needy. Remember this is a new woman. Each new woman should start with a default 100% level of trust, rather than a level skewed by past relationships.
In such circumstances it is also useful to be more explicit about what the boundaries of the relationship are. You want to know exactly where you both stand and what is expected rather than assumed. If you do have a discussion like this then you want to keep it as casual as possible rather than making it a major issue or becoming too intense.
The main part of trusting each other is ridding the relationship of any assumptions. The more honest you feel your partner is with you, the more you will be able to trust her.
I hope that helps and thanks for reading,
Sam
are there any techniques that may help me not to worry when my gf goes out and help me to trust her more because everytime i have a gf i struggle to trust them for no reason, i think this is because i know how easy it is to cheat, i hate feeling like this and just wanna be able to relax when she is speaking to other lads or when she goes out ?…
Hey Bob,
Rather than dwell on an arbitrary statistic of how ‘easily’ people cheat, instead think about why exactly people cheat. Trusting someone is not about knowing whether they could or would cheat, it is about having a solid level of commitment and respect where neither of you would WANT to cheat. Of course, cheating is only one example of mistrust in a relationship and it is more about being secure in yourself than actually what your girlfriend gets up to.
Being able to relax when your girlfriend goes out is all about thinking the best of a situation rather than thinking the worst. Men who are completely at ease and trusting in their relationships never entertain any unfounded negative thoughts that creep into their heads. These can be thoughts created from past experiences or from hearsay but they are rarely accurate either way.
Trust is created when you are both together for times when you are apart, not the other way around. If you have a great relationship the rest of the time then it is purely a case of reframing any negative thoughts with more realistic, positive ones whenever necessary.
I hope that helps and thanks for commenting,
Sam
Hey there, I read the article and found it pretty useful, but i seem to still not understand how i can change. I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 5 months now, and i feel i can’t trust her, she’s had a lot of flings with guys in the past, and i’ve been hurt a lot by past relationships and flings. I want to be able to trust her when she talks to guys, or hangs out with them with her friends, but part of me is scared to let go, scared to give her my full trust. I say i do and i tell myself i am, but i can’t seem to. I know if I keep doing this and acting like i’m obsessed she will eventually leave me, and i don’t want that. what can i do?
Hi,
Although trust seems like an easy state to achieve in theory, it comprises of so many related emotions that can easily become overwhelming. Gaining full, mutual trust in a relationship is a gradual process, especially if you have had negative experiences in the past.
One technique that helps aid the process is to disregard the bigger picture along with the past experiences and deal with each testing moment in the relationship separately. Each time your girlfriend mentions talking to another guy or anything similar, think only about conveying confidence and security for that one event. ‘Fake’ confidence breeds real confidence over time and making your girlfriend feel that you trust her at each moment in time, even if you have previously discussed any worries you might have, will start to create a genuine level of mutual trust before long.
All the best and thanks for reading the website,
Sam
Hi,
I been with this girl for about 3 years now, we plan on getting married. Like any other couple we had are ups and downs. She cheated on me before i gave her a second change she mess around again and now just recently she messed around again. talking to other guys on facebook and not letting me see her page. I found a number in her phone after i found dat she told me everything (but i do not think that its everything). I gave her another change but now im always asking question, dont like her going out alot, you know asking as if she cheated on me but i know that will drive her away i love her and want to be with her i really believe she change but if she didnt i want to know can you help me???
Hey Eric,
This issue comes more down to authority and respect than simply trust. Whilst it is great that you have given your girlfriend a second chance and are intent on improving the relationship, be careful not to let her think that she can get away with actions that clearly disregard your relationship ideals.
Each time you forgive and accept her behaviour, you are reaffirming the fact that you will stay with her regardless of what she does. Instead you want to stand by your morals and let her know that although you are completely committed to the relationship, you won’t accept certain boundaries being abused again. This shouldn’t be in a threatening way, but more in a way to let her know that if she wants to be in the relationship with you, she should know how to treat you and vice versa.
Thanks for commenting,
Sam
Hi,
I am really trying but she isn’t trying as much as I, even after suggesting she wants to start a family with me. This is really killing me and it being my first real partner I am lost as to how to tackle this situation 
.. any help would be brilliant because she has made me more confident but I feel that my lack of self esteem and struggling to trust her is breaking us up. Sorry for the essay 
any help would be amazing !
I have been with my girl for 4 months and it is my first real relationship. At the start she went to a party and got really drunk then a lad made a move on her as she was sleeping .. resulting in them having sex. It took her 3 weeks to tell me and by that time I had attached myself to her and I gave her one chance .. we was great but a month down the line I found that she was textingthis lad that had fancied her for 5 years, and insisted that he wasn’t suggesting her getting with him.. after this I found that he was then that caused more trust issues.. then at a recent trip to a club, another lad that had declared his like to her offered to buy her a drink and though I wad her ex.. which j wasn’t happy about one bit. But we spent that weekendtogether and we seemed fine.. but the next dayshe was being really off with me, killing conversation and not replying.. I am lost as to why. She finally come out and said I am suffocating her but most of the time she is the one that suggests we meet ect .. she hasn’t replied to me all night after me stupidly suggesting that she doesn’t care. It really hurts me because of the past and that she is so blunt with me. I love this girl to pieces and often wonder how on earth I have got her as I have a lot of self esteem issues that I can seem to get over
Hi Joe,
The drunken incident at the beginning of the relationship seems to have set a precedent about how much you trust your girlfriend. If you really do want to give your girlfriend a second chance, then you have to start with a clean slate and not make any assumptions about her actions from now on.
It sounds counter-intuitive but the more freedom you give your girlfriend (whilst still letting her know that you care), the more she will respect both you and the relationship.
I am fairly sure this is what she is referring to when she said that you are “suffocating” her. It is not how much you see each other, but how relaxed you both feel whilst with each other.
Taking what she has already said on board, it is fine to discuss with her why you have some of those feelings of distrust, but eventually you want to agree to work together on those issues. That would be for her to not exasperate any of your feelings, and for you to not make any premature assumptions with regards to trust. If you both sincerely want to be together then that level of communication and understanding should be fairly easy to balance.
Thanks for commenting,
Sam
Hi Sam, great article and very useful follow up to people’s comments… thanks.
Perhaps you can shed some light on my situation too?
I’m in a difficult place right now and feel I may have left it too late to save my relationship, which has been constantly undermined by irrational trust issues on my part.
I met my girlfriend 18 months ago while traveling and we immediately started being together 24/7. After the trip, I moved to her country (she is of a different nationality and ethnic/religious background) simply to “be with her.” I have lived in different places before so the adjustment from that point of view was not too difficult.
However, even while we were still traveling I started to have serious trust issues. These stemmed, I believe, at least in part from her telling me about her past relationships and a rather Bohemian lifestyle. Personally, I am not against that kind of lifestyle, but for some reason it led to extreme jealousy on my part: initially I would seek more and more details about past events in her life, use these to irrationally question her fidelity to me, and worry incessantly that she would be unfaithful. Thoughts of her with other guys from the past would constantly loop through my head.
In response, she cut off contact with “certain people” in order to calm me and to a certain extent it worked, I largely stopped obsessing about her past. In addition, I should say that while we have been together she has never done anything to warrant suspicion on my part, in fact, she has never been anything but loyal and honest.
So over the last few months, I can say that my fears about her have dissipated in that regard. However, they appear to have triggered another problem: she now feels I am too controlling. In trying to placate my worries and trust issues she has started to feel she is unable to have any independence in her life: as she put it, she feels in a “cage.”
I have tried to relax and be less controlling, but a few weeks ago she said she wanted to go to another city to visit some friends alone. Stupidly, I got drunk that night and we had a major argument with me accusing her – irrationally I know – of not wanting to be with me and looking for someone else.
Anyway, we calmed things down over the following days, but resolved to have some time apart. We have now been away from each other for two weeks, though still talk regularly on the phone.
In this period, I have had time to think and I realise that my actions toward her in the past were totally unwarranted, wrong and very harmful to what otherwise would be a fantastic relationship. I also am no longer obsessing anywhere near as much about her cheating on me or torturing myself with imagined images from her past.
If and when we get back together, I understand what I need to do: be more self-confident, trust her and give her the independence she needs. My question is, how should I do this? How can I avoid slipping back to being jealous, controlling and possessive?
We have both talked about a fresh start, to going back to being the self-confident, happy, easy-going people we were when we met, but do you think that all of these problems may have irrevocably damaged our relationship? Or can we put them all behind us and move on?
We both deeply love each other and both agree that love shouldn’t be this harmful.
Thanks,
John
Hey John,
There are only a few instances where a relationship is ever truly beyond redemption. If both people in a relationship are listening and willing to give the other a chance, past misgivings can easily be forgotten.
The time you’ve had for reflection seems to have worked well and treating the relationship as a “fresh start” sounds like a good idea. The main effort will be in truly putting the recent negative moments behind you and making sure they don’t crop up again, even in discussions. Renewed trust comes solely from actions: how you act from this point forward!
The conclusions you have come to in your comment convey the right attitude to have from now on. Keep those mindsets at the forefront of your thoughts and constantly remind yourself what the right attitude for a mutually fulfilling relationship is. As long as you put priority on those beliefs over any contradictory or irrational behaviour, you should be able to prevent slipping back into any jealous or controlling ways. You know exactly the version of you that your girlfriend desires, how you want to be and how you want the relationship to be. You simply have to keep reaffirming those three things and take the renewed relationship one day at a time.
All the best and thanks for reading the website,
Sam