Power struggle and control in relationships
It is widely recognisable that there are two distinct stages during the first few years of a new relationship.
The first of these stages is the attraction, lust and romance stage, which develops from when a couple first start dating and can last anywhere from a few months to several years. This continues whilst a couple discover each other fully and build intimate rapport together.
The second of these stages is the commitment, management and awareness stage, which continues thereafter. This stage usually develops around the time there is a prominent gesture of commitment, such as deciding to live together, or simply the period where a couple become deeply and emotionally close to one another.
The power shifts that develop across these two stages are unavoidable but the degree to which we let a power struggle affect a relationship can most certainly be handled… 
How the power struggle develops:
Everyone wants to feel in control in their relationship, although that is not to say that one wants to purposefully control their partner.
Even people in controlling relationships or perpetrators of domestic abuse do so because of learnt behaviours and an inability to effectively get what they really want and fulfil their own needs.
When we feel comfortable with someone, we naturally feel more inclined to pick up on previously insignificant things that may irritate us. We also gain a superior need to expect unconditional love and receive constant validation and reassurance from a romantic partner. These are both instances of things that can escalate to an obvious power struggle.
The interesting thing about these two examples is that they have opposing effects on a relationship, depending on how mutual the power struggle symptoms are. The following graph will help to illustrate what I mean:
If the need for validation and expressions of love is completely one-sided, the relationship becomes imbalanced and arguments will arise due to the inciter not feeling appreciated enough. This easily leads to the manifestation of a clear power struggle.
On the other hand, if this need for validation and expressions of love is equal then a couple can usually share those feelings to each other’s satisfaction and enjoy a fulfilling relationship, as long as that balance is maintained. [related article: ‘Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium’]
On the contrary, behavioural retorts (such as criticising your partner) have a more severe effect the more mutual they are. By definition, an argument has already started:
“I hate it when you do x. You ALWAYS do x”
“Yes well I hate it when you do y and z” etc
A recurring exchange such as this dilutes the dominant/submissive roles in the relationship and leads to a power struggle faster than any other method.
How to avoid the power struggle completely:
What it ultimately comes down to is learning to notice, understand and fulfil each other’s needs, which undoubtedly will differ between the two of you. Alternatively, where appropriate, you can help your partner to develop or overcome those needs.
As mentioned in the previous section, certain behavioural acts such as criticism are intensified if they are fuelled from both sides, yet it is instinctual to sometimes want to ‘give as good as you get’ in a relationship. Pain or a lack of validation on both sides doesn’t balance out a relationship… It just doubles the amount of pain and lack of validation! I hint about some remedies to this particular example in the latter part of the article ‘Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory’.
The only way to solve any feelings of resentment that can arise from the power struggle is to help your partner get what they want, without supplicating! The last part is crucial because it keeps intact the attraction, respect and trust within the relationship.
I will go into more depth with the intricacies of how to spot and avoid the power struggle in another article but remember that you ALLOW people to control or antagonise you by conveying what you will accept and by reacting to certain things in a certain way!
Also keep in mind that hate (which can be an observational side-effect of the power struggle) is not the opposite of love… indifference is! As long as both people in a relationship seem like they care, any negativity or power struggle can be flipped. Like I said, I will explain in detail how to do this in a future article…
Much love,
Sam
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Good to see a new post popup in my inbox, espec as I was just twiddling my thumbs at work lol.
I’m not sure I’m fit to comment because so far the longest relationship I’ve been in was only 7 months but even then I could already see the stuff your talking about. It seemed to me that in that particular relationship we quickly became took each other for granted. Its easy to seem like you don’t care in a relationship because they take 24 hour attention I think. I’m lovin the single life at the moment but ultimately I know I want to be able to have a relationship that doesn’t have to worry about these power games at all. I guess experience helps in that respect.
Really looking forward to the followup article you mention, that will really help me out when I find a woman worth dating. Peace
Hey,
There’s no strict timeframe for these power shifts. Seven months is by no means a modest representation of a serious relationship these days… People can become ‘serious’ a lot quicker than that even!
The time it takes for a power struggle to fully develop generally correlates with how often a couple see each other in the first few months. This is why when moving in together a power struggle can develop rapidly, as you’re in each other’s company all the time.
Even though a relationship may seem like a round the clock commitment, it’s usually whilst physically together that a power struggle properly surfaces. Taking each other for granted and becoming complacent in the relationship is one way that can develop.
Experience most certainly will help, for example you’ve acknowledged how easy it is to take things for granted in a relationship from your previous experience. By learning about the psychology behind it all though, you will still be able to recognise the intricacies when they arise, regardless of if you have been in the exact situation before.
Thanks for commenting,
Sam
Took me a lonnnng time to get my head round that chart. Good stuff but a bit confusing unless thats just me. The rest of the article was good and worth reading again. -G
Hey,
Originally I just had written text explaining the whole theory and believe me, the chart is far easier to understand than that was!
Hopefully the follow-up article I write will tie together a lot of the loose ends and make the topic more succinct.
Thanks for reading,
Sam
I really enjoyed this. I especially agreed with the part about the opposite of love is indifference. I’ve always thought of indifference as being a mask for anger. It’s interesting to see your take on the power struggle. Just those two words alone make me think that’s the best term to realize you need to take a step back when a power struggle is happening in the relationship. Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
Hi Elena,
That’s an interesting thought about anger and indifference being linked. Anger usually suggests an outward display of negative emotions but personal anger with a particular situation can relate. What the indifference ultimately shows is a lack of desire to rectify something that may cause symptoms of anger: a dissatisfying relationship in this case.
That’s a good point about the phrasing of the term “power struggle” and if the latter word in that phrase is emphasised it is clear that your advice is useful. When someone actively resists or forces any kind of ‘struggle’, it usually has the adverse effect from what they actually want to achieve.
Thanks for commenting and I hope everything is grand with you,
Sam