Your comment is very thought-provoking and you sound like an extremely perceptive and caring person. There are a lot of parts to your comment but I will try to answer each question as best I can.

firstly, deciding whether to stay in a relationship or leave is often a tough decision to make and it is easy to spend time dwelling on whether you are making the “correct” one. If you can eliminate that retrospective thought process then you are far less likely to develop any regret. Doubts form for a reason, although that is not to say that those doubts cannot be flipped. It is only after both making a conscious effort towards changing certain aspects of the relationship yet still not getting the desired outcome that more serious consideration about the relationship’s future should be taken.

All personal development and emotional growth can be done whilst in a relationship, as long as your partner isn’t actively restricting it. Two people do not necessarily have to be on the same path to enjoy a fulfilling relationship together… but they must be accommodating and encouraging of each other’s path.

It is not essential to give a relationship a label and it can sometimes actually be detrimental. As long as the people involved know where they stand and what is assumed of them then relationships can and should be flexible. To think of it another way, relationships are a constant exchange between friendship, romance and intimacy. There is no harm in focusing on one of these three aspects that perhaps requires more attention, as long as no one is left confused about where they stand across all three.

Overanalysing is the crux of most relationships and it is sometimes best to simply rid yourself of all miscellaneous thoughts and be in the moment as often as possible. You will consistently know if you are happy in a particular relationship if you can learn to do this.

When it comes to being lied to, communication and mutual trust are the main routes towards not only preventing such instances from happening in the first place but also from clearing up any misunderstandings before they become a serious issue.

Communication and trust are also the basis behind feeling you can tell your partner anything. Attraction towards other women or friendships developing is natural but if you are truly committed to someone, those friendships will never escalate beyond a certain point. How open and honest a partner is correlates to how open and honest they feel they can be and so the responsibility does lie with both people.

As for a woman’s sensitivity, a man should be decidedly sensitive to your emotions but not supplicating or fearful of them. This is a universally attractive and desirable trait in men. Sensitivity is a great quality to have (it leads to empathy and compassion like you say) but it can be difficult for another person to accurately interpret and manage those emotions, as their intensity can fluctuate. As such, it is more important to focus on the intent and meaning behind a man’s behaviour rather than words or actions themselves. Teasing for example can come across as endearing or mean depending completely on delivery and intent.

I hope that gives some extra thought to your questions. You have some great insights yourself.

Thanks for commenting and I hope things work out for the best,

Sam

I am so conflicted. When do you know if you should continue to grow together, or if you should leave each other because both partners have more personal development and emotional growth to do? 

I had a difficult time committing and accepting him at first. I am 29 years old and have always kept men at a distance. I’ve had, however, successful platonic friendships with men over the years. I am genuinely likeable and loveable, but I’ve always had issues with inadequacy and insecurity. Toward the end of our whirlwind relationship, I realized that I had accepted him and wanted to be with him, but, by then, we had already destroyed our relationship because of our mistakes. We are both willing to accept that we were both responsible for what happened to us. Communication has not been able to move much from there, but I imagine it will take time to be able to fully understand if we are moving in the same direction – being whole, secure individuals with a mutual want of being together. We love and care greatly for one another and recognize the commitment to growth in each of us. Should we continue a subordinate relationship and invest in a friendship, or should we move on from us?  

We admit that we do have positive influences on each other and have helped each other grow during the time we were together, regardless of how we both contributed to the deterioration of our relationship. It is very evident that we are important to one another.

Also, is it okay that I will not be able to get over one aspect of what caused our downfall? It has to do with the friendship he had with a much younger female. Is it okay to be upfront with this information? I felt betrayed by that friendship. He maintains that it was platonic. Their developing friendship was kept a secret from me, and he lied/omitted on several occasions.  I feel that he was emotionally cheating on me, but he maintains that it was just a friendship, despite his willingness to admit that it had gotten inappropriate (i.e. excessive, incessant text messaging…that’s just the way people get down these days…a phone call lasting until sunrise, her being at his home, and dinner at a restaurant together, at which, he says, they spent talking about how he was devoted to making our relationship work and how their friendship was interfering with the effort he was putting into mending our relationship). All that information was kept from me until I did some digging.  

Is it okay to investigate when you know you are being lied to? 

Do you think it’s accurate to say that my behavior during our relationship caused him to feel that he couldn’t be upfront with me, or is it wrongly placed and unreasonable blame?  Could he, in fact, had feelings toward her he is personally denying given all the secrecy that was surrounding them? I feel that she felt something for him that was more than friendship, but she only admitted that they had “chemistry.”  I know the word can have a few different connotations.  

Finally, could I also be responsible for his behavior and vice-versa? This is a partnership, an interdependent one, so I can see why it is important to improve oneself and act in ways that will elicit the appropriate responses.

I became especially insecure in our relationship because of excessive, hurtful teasing, and I had put some blame on him because I had confronted him about it and expected his behavior toward me to change. 

Should a man be cognizant of a woman’s sensitivities? I know I am a hypersensitive person. I do not consider it a flaw, but rather a quality that someone should admire about me because it helps make me an empathetic, compassionate person, fundamentally good person.  Those are qualities he admires about me.  I realize, now, though that my hypersensitivity was just one reason why our relationship became strained and take responsibility for it. There is a fine line between being sensitive, allowing it to affect one’s reasoning, and being a burden to others. Should I try and find a person who can understand my sensitivities, or will it be enough if I work on coping with them more appropriately?

Your first point is spot on and is the reason why a lot of relationships drag on beyond the point where a breakup is subconsciously decided: to avoid the feelings of loss and regret! This leads to one or both people seeming to not care or appreciate their partner as much, as small feelings of contempt will have no doubt developed over that period of deciding to breakup.

The only way a relationship is completely pain-free is when it is done with decisiveness and with an attitude of confidence that you have the ability to meet someone more suitable for you.

Unfortunately, this attitude does still leave one person feeling inadequate with how the relationship ended. Breakups are rarely a mutual decision where both people are completely happy with the outcome.

I like your suggestion of finding neutral territory and doing things that will help take your mind off the breakup, with the help of friends and family. Even doing this though, I still think it is important as soon as possible to at least consider other dating opportunities (assuming the person in question wants to be in a relationship) to combat another common situation…

Another scenario that I come across a lot is that the longing to get back with an ex doesn’t kick in straight away but actually after time apart. As one becomes favourable towards being in a relationship once more, unless that person has new dating prospects in their life, the reality of getting back with an ex becomes an increasingly easier option and a lot less effort than starting fresh. Also by this time, a lot of the negative feelings surrounding the breakup will have been forgotten.

That is why it is so important to really have a healthy perspective and be objective as you say, else those feelings of incompleteness and lacking could merely be an internal excuse from making the effort to move on and find someone else.

Thanks for your comments and insights as always Elena,

Sam

It’s easy to remember what was best about what you shared as a couple and maybe the person is telling his or herself this is a temporary thing. I know when I broke up with my last boyfriend, it was something I had to do, but I felt horrible for having to do it. I felt like I was abandoning him because he had issues with abandonment before I met him. While I agree that the best thing to do is put yourself out there, for me, I would do that and for some reason, my recent breakup would be the first thing that came out of my mouth.

I think spending time with friends and family or just making a point to doing something you enjoy is a more low-key way to do things, because it puts you in neutral territory. It is imperative that you do stay away from your ex, especially right afterwards because either you will give that person hope that they can try again or they may think you’re getting in touch to rub it in even more.

I think the only time it makes sense to consider getting back with your ex is if you’ve had ample time to be away and get perspective and objectivity. When you’ve reached that point and you feel that deep down your life is lacking and incomplete without that other person, then, you can give it another shot and hope that your ex feels the same way too.

That is a great point you bring up about these situations being one-sided. This is exactly correct as a breakup will generally be a case of the balance of the relationship not being equal: things such as love, appreciation and development. By definition it has to be one-sided, otherwise two people would generally be willing to mutually work on any issues in that relationship. From the experiences you’ve had in your previous relationships, I’m sure you can notice the difference between the dynamics and how in control of the situation you felt when you were in those two different positions.

A time where a breakup is still ostensibly one-sided but the feelings can still be mutual is when one partner states a specific and fixable reason for breaking up. In that situation, getting back with an ex would be as easy as discussing and working on those reasons with your partner.

Thanks for commenting,

Sam

A lot of us have been in similar situations and whilst in hindsight they may seem imprudent, at the time it’s easy to act solely on emotions. It’s learning from the experience and recognising the particular dynamics that will help for next time.

It is interesting where you talk about a woman not being as special as you thought at the time and the fact that you couldn’t have them was what made you chase them. That’s an important point in dating and attraction in general and definitely what makes the desire to get back with an ex so powerful. It’s commonly referred to as ‘putting someone on a pedestal’ and involves subconsciously ignoring all the bad aspects of that previous relationship and emphasising all the positive aspects in your mind, making it seem far more desirable than it is in reality.

There is no easy way to prevent yourself falling into this trap or becoming needy in this situation other than willpower and being proactive with other aspects of your life (meeting and dating new people for example) as mentioned in the article.

Thanks for your comment,

Sam

What your writeup has got me thinking about is that it always seems to be one sided. That is, it is always one person trying to get back with the other. Can it and should it ever be a mutual thing do you think??I would love to hear your comments on that Sam if you have the time.

All the best

Jen