How to get your ex back
As Sparklife.info gets increasingly popular, I receive more and more requests from advertisers and affiliate marketers wanting my endorsement. For some reason, the most common request is from ‘get your ex back’ type programs.
There are specific reasons why I am reluctant to promote any program or service that deals with getting back with an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend that I will explain shortly, but this third-party interest does show that it is a common enough issue for me to cover.
This article will give a few tips on how to get back with an ex but will first address what I believe is a far more pertinent question…
Why do you really want to get back with your ex?
There are a whole host of reasons why a relationship might end but below the surface, it is always due to the needs and wants of one or both people in the relationship not being met.
Regardless of how much you miss the relationship shortly after a breakup, there was something fundamental that led to its demise. It takes a strong character to control the instinctual feelings of loss and not be drawn into a state of longing soon after a relationship ends.
In order to think about and work on the areas of the relationship that caused the breakup, if nothing is resolved from any discussions there and then, you should follow the first step of how to get your ex back…
Take some time out:
Whether you want to get back with your ex or you want to move on, taking at least some brief time away from each other is imperative to separate yourself from the emotional ties of that relationship and view everything rationally. A recent article that discusses these initial decisions is the article titled ‘Should I stay or leave my relationship’.
Be proactive as soon as possible:
The feeling of loss is always going to be significant just after breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend and that is usually the time where regrets can creep in, or the relationship continues but in a subordinate fashion. It is for that reason that I always suggest being socially proactive as soon as possible, regardless of whether you are hoping the relationship will be rekindled or not.
Immediately after any of my previous relationships ended, I always forced myself to go out and meet several new women THAT WEEK! This was in no way intended to be disrespectful to the ex-girlfriend in question but it allowed me to put the relationship in perspective and not become needy due to the automatic feelings of loss procured from breaking up.
As counter-intuitive as it may seem, buying flowers, ringing constantly, telling your ex incessantly that you love them or doing anything that suggests begging for your partner back once a decision has already been made, will only push them further away! This theory is explained more concisely in the article ‘Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium’.
Comparing everyone to your ex:
Another common reason to feel like you want to get back with an ex is how the new men or women you meet compare to your ex.
Attraction can be created extremely easily but rapport and intimacy is something that develops over time and continues to grow as a relationship progresses. Although there are many enjoyable aspects to starting a relationship with someone new, it will take the same amount of time for that rapport and intimacy to develop to heights of your previous relationship. Comparing the two at wholly different stages creates unrealistic parallels in your mind; one where your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend will always seem superior.
Restarting the relationship as new:
Oftentimes, if people actively follow through with some of this advice, they’ll realise over time that the relationship in question did have its downfalls and perhaps wasn’t the perfect relationship for them. This is the first step to learning from the experience, moving on and continuing on the path to finding the perfect partner.
However, it’s not for anyone else to decide that moving on is the correct course of action. Perhaps the relationship truly was special and it was behaviour similar to complacency that destroyed it.
If this truly is the case, when you do meet with your ex again (and this should only be done once you have dealt with any feelings of neediness surrounding getting back together), you want to convey the changes you have actually made. You want to amp attraction and leave the affectionate side for if the relationship progresses once more. An article that discusses the distinction between these traits is called ‘Nice guy or bad boy – Find the perfect balance’ and is useful information for both men and women. Remember, couples who get back together without actually changing anything will invariably find themselves back in the same situation before long!
Discuss:
Do you have experience of getting back with an ex, or wanting to get back with an ex? Else, what is your opinion or advice for someone who is in that situation? 
Much love,
Sam
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guess I’ll kick of the discussion. Mainly cos I’ve been in this exact situation and your advice is golden. The two times I really went overboard acting a chump when my girlfriend ended things I did all the things you described like flowers gifts and more. It’s only after sorting myself out and finding new women I realised what a chump I was and how those girlfriends werent as special as I thought, just that I couldnt have them. Do you have any tips for stopping yourself from doing the needy calls and stuff? I’m certain I wont be like that again but its still useful to know. Thanks mate. J
Hey Jon,
A lot of us have been in similar situations and whilst in hindsight they may seem imprudent, at the time it’s easy to act solely on emotions. It’s learning from the experience and recognising the particular dynamics that will help for next time.
It is interesting where you talk about a woman not being as special as you thought at the time and the fact that you couldn’t have them was what made you chase them. That’s an important point in dating and attraction in general and definitely what makes the desire to get back with an ex so powerful. It’s commonly referred to as ‘putting someone on a pedestal’ and involves subconsciously ignoring all the bad aspects of that previous relationship and emphasising all the positive aspects in your mind, making it seem far more desirable than it is in reality.
There is no easy way to prevent yourself falling into this trap or becoming needy in this situation other than willpower and being proactive with other aspects of your life (meeting and dating new people for example) as mentioned in the article.
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
This is all very interesting to me as I has been both situations. That is, I have tried to get back with an ex partner before. I have also had a different ex partner try to get back with me. He cheated on me and once I found out, he begged for my forgiveness. Whilst I wanted to forgive him I couldn’t fully which led to it never working out.
What your writeup has got me thinking about is that it always seems to be one sided. That is, it is always one person trying to get back with the other. Can it and should it ever be a mutual thing do you think??I would love to hear your comments on that Sam if you have the time.
All the best
Jen
Hi Jen,
That is a great point you bring up about these situations being one-sided. This is exactly correct as a breakup will generally be a case of the balance of the relationship not being equal: things such as love, appreciation and development. By definition it has to be one-sided, otherwise two people would generally be willing to mutually work on any issues in that relationship. From the experiences you’ve had in your previous relationships, I’m sure you can notice the difference between the dynamics and how in control of the situation you felt when you were in those two different positions.
A time where a breakup is still ostensibly one-sided but the feelings can still be mutual is when one partner states a specific and fixable reason for breaking up. In that situation, getting back with an ex would be as easy as discussing and working on those reasons with your partner.
Thanks for commenting,
Sam
I think the reason that so many people try to get their ex back and there are so many e-books and other pieces of literature that explain why you should do it is there is no greater feeling than when you break up like regret. If the emotional attachment was strong to begin with, it’s very hard to break free. You’re telling that person that even though I’ve shared a considerable amount of time with you but I can’t anymore. It’s not easy on either end unless one of the parties didn’t truly appreciate the other to begin with.
It’s easy to remember what was best about what you shared as a couple and maybe the person is telling his or herself this is a temporary thing. I know when I broke up with my last boyfriend, it was something I had to do, but I felt horrible for having to do it. I felt like I was abandoning him because he had issues with abandonment before I met him. While I agree that the best thing to do is put yourself out there, for me, I would do that and for some reason, my recent breakup would be the first thing that came out of my mouth.
I think spending time with friends and family or just making a point to doing something you enjoy is a more low-key way to do things, because it puts you in neutral territory. It is imperative that you do stay away from your ex, especially right afterwards because either you will give that person hope that they can try again or they may think you’re getting in touch to rub it in even more.
I think the only time it makes sense to consider getting back with your ex is if you’ve had ample time to be away and get perspective and objectivity. When you’ve reached that point and you feel that deep down your life is lacking and incomplete without that other person, then, you can give it another shot and hope that your ex feels the same way too.
Hi Elena,
Your first point is spot on and is the reason why a lot of relationships drag on beyond the point where a breakup is subconsciously decided: to avoid the feelings of loss and regret! This leads to one or both people seeming to not care or appreciate their partner as much, as small feelings of contempt will have no doubt developed over that period of deciding to breakup.
The only way a relationship is completely pain-free is when it is done with decisiveness and with an attitude of confidence that you have the ability to meet someone more suitable for you.
Unfortunately, this attitude does still leave one person feeling inadequate with how the relationship ended. Breakups are rarely a mutual decision where both people are completely happy with the outcome.
I like your suggestion of finding neutral territory and doing things that will help take your mind off the breakup, with the help of friends and family. Even doing this though, I still think it is important as soon as possible to at least consider other dating opportunities (assuming the person in question wants to be in a relationship) to combat another common situation…
Another scenario that I come across a lot is that the longing to get back with an ex doesn’t kick in straight away but actually after time apart. As one becomes favourable towards being in a relationship once more, unless that person has new dating prospects in their life, the reality of getting back with an ex becomes an increasingly easier option and a lot less effort than starting fresh. Also by this time, a lot of the negative feelings surrounding the breakup will have been forgotten.
That is why it is so important to really have a healthy perspective and be objective as you say, else those feelings of incompleteness and lacking could merely be an internal excuse from making the effort to move on and find someone else.
Thanks for your comments and insights as always Elena,
Sam