Should I stay or leave my relationship
January is a busy time in the world of relationships. It is a month that is traditionally teeming with resolutions and renewed self-discipline and so the cities are filled with singles determined to take control of their dating lives and couples wanting to refresh, enrich and repair their relationships.
It is a common period of reflection too and so over the last month I have been working with both men and women who are going through the process of reassessing their relationships either independently or with their partner.
Whilst this article won’t categorically tell you whether you should stay in your relationship or leave it, it will give you a few things to think about regarding whether to stay or leave and explain the best mentality to have regarding any decisions… 
Where the dilemma comes from:
There are generally two causes for getting to the situation where you are thinking deeply about whether to stay in your current relationship or not. The first is created over a period of time where the relationship is either becoming monotonous, or you feel that the relationship is selling yourself short; that you can fathom a more ideal relationship.
The second cause is when there is one specific and often drastic event that makes you reassess the whole foundation of the relationship. This could be a betrayal of trust such as your partner cheating on you or lying to you, or it could be some other event that contradicts the person you thought you were with.
Having high standards:
The biggest thing to bear in mind when deciding whether to stay in a relationship or not is to be true to your personal standards. If you are a person who wants the absolute best out of your love-life then you must never ‘settle’ for a relationship that is anything short of perfect for you at any given time.
A common suggestion from peers and even therapists to this whole situation is to list all the pros and cons of the relationship and see which side of the list is favoured more heavily when it is complete.
The problem with this approach is that relationships are dynamic and changeable. Not only will you find that certain points vary in intensity as your state changes from day to day, you will also have trouble pinpointing certain things as solely your partner’s fault. A couple having constant arguments is a good example of this, as the bias towards whose ‘fault’ the arguments are will lead to further inconsistencies. All in all, the list approach will probably leave you more confused and more indecisive than you were just basing your decision on gut feeling!
Rather than make a list of the good qualities your partner has, try making a list of what qualities you want your ULTIMATE partner to have and then seeing how your relationship compares to that. Although there are many couples who manage to craft a lasting relationship despite not necessarily being ideal for each other or not being consistently happy together, you are doing yourself a disservice if you abridge your search for the perfect partner in order to have a relationship or marriage prematurely.
There are many times in life where we don’t feel as much self-worth as at other times but for me, since deciding to take control of my dating life back in 2003, I’ve always made sure that my relationships aren’t decided by or affected by those negative moments.
What this means is that unless a relationship of mine at any given time is anything short of PERFECT then I will be honest with both myself and my partner and not try to make it something it is not.
The best mentality to have when deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship:
The following diagram shows the four different types of attitude that one can have when deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship:
Using the above diagram; whilst the path of whether to stay or leave is completely down to you and there is no right or wrong answer, of the four paths that branch out from the ‘mentality’ nodes, it is quite obvious which two are the healthiest options. The four result choices at the bottom of the diagram can be placed into two categories: ‘remaining unfocused and indecisive’ or ‘taking action and moving on’. It is the second category that you want to follow, regardless of what your initial decision was.
If you stay in your relationship but don’t really make any effort to change things or solve any of the issues from the past, then things will obviously remain as they are.
If you decide wholeheartedly to stay in your relationship and then proceed to actually embrace that decision, promise to put aside any of your past concerns and work on enriching the relationship then you are one step towards making it fulfilling.
If you decide that leaving is the best option but it is done without courage or clear thought, then you will inevitably feel the loss of suddenly not having a companion. It takes a lot of mental effort to move on after a breakup and this can include taking action towards finding someone new, which definitely helps the process. The key is being proactive once the relationship is over and not dwelling on what you have just lost. Feeling the loss is the main cause for couples getting back together after a breakup. Whilst the relationship can be different once it is re-established, remember that you broke up for a reason in the first place and avoid ignoring the issues that were originally there.
Summary:
To summarise the key points of this article:
- Be true to your personal standards and don’t settle for anything less.
- Make a list of how you visualise your ultimate partner and your ideal relationship and see if that is possible to create from your current one.
- Whether you decide to stay or leave, follow through that decision with full commitment and positivity.
Much love,
Sam
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I was just browsing some of your old articles and a new one popped up on the homepage. I like my timing lol.
I think this is a great writeup. I remember you saying that you should only stay in a relationship that makes you happy and I guess this uses that point. The diagram makes the points really clear other I might not have fully understood.
Its been a while since my last oficial relationship but like you say I only want to be in one that is perfect. If I was in one I would definitely find this article useful tho so thanx.
-seb
Bad time to leave a relationship with valentines just round the corner tho no?
Hey Seb,
Yes I definitely still adhere to the notion that relationships should actively make us happy and add to our lives. I’m glad you like the diagram.
Whilst there is merit in your attitude towards only being in a relationship that is perfect, there is a lot of value in experiencing and learning from other relationships along the way. Else, you may not have the tools and skills required to make that perfect relationship last when it comes around.
A lot of a relationship’s success is in how each person applies themselves to it and the effort and understanding they utilise and this is generally only achieved through experience.
As for your comment about Valentine’s day, whilst it may seem a bit harsh to break up with someone before a special event, there will never be a ‘perfect’ time to breakup if the sentiment isn’t mutual. Common sense prevails in those situations.
Speaking of Valentine’s day though, next week I will be writing a ‘Valentine’s Day Special’, with tips and advice for singles, couples and anyone in between for the big day, so make sure you check that out!
Thanks for commenting,
Sam
Great new article for the new year Sam!
One thing I’m not sure I would want to do myself is to write a list of the qualities I would want my ultimate partner to have. I just think it is pretty harsh on your current partner, who you are with for a reason. They may not have EVERY quality you want, but surely they must have some as you wouldn’t be with them in the first place if they didn’t!
On the other hand I do agree that you should have the best partner possible, so if there are any doubts they must be addressed quickly.
Happy New Year!
Eva x
Hi Eva, Happy New Year to you too!
I see your point and I agree that making a list of qualities whilst in a relationship may seem harsh. That idea was specifically for people who are already questioning their relationship. If someone knows that there are things missing in their relationship then the list idea that I mentioned helps them pinpoint what those missing areas are. Obviously if you are already happy in your relationship then there is little need to rationalise that happiness with a list or anything similar.
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
Welcome back Sam, I’ve been checking regularly for your return.
This is a great post for me as I have indeed been in that situation with my last husband. I think that when you are married it does make the situation a lot harder as you cant just up and leave so easily. I went through some of the processes you describe though and decided that my happiness was more important than my marriage. The diagram and description is great, I can definately relate to that.
Are you returning to weekly updates?
Take care
Joan <3
Hi Joan, it’s good to hear from you again.
I can definitely imagine that being married or even other factors such as living together can make the decision harder but I love the way you summed up your decision with, “my happiness was more important than my marriage”. I like that.
And yes, I should be settling back into the routine of updating every Tuesday and I look forward to hearing from you again.
Thanks,
Sam
Welcome Back Sam! I enjoyed reading this. I couldn’t agree more about making a decision and sticking with it. So many times, a person goes through a relationship hoping that something will change for the better. When it doesn’t, the strength to leave is easier to come by.
I also agree about high standards, but being alone isn’t easy and sometimes, holding on to those standards one can lose their grip. Still, standards are the best way to stay your true self and even if they get slippery at times, one has to believe they will bring you the ideal partner.
Hi Elena, good to hear from you!
That’s exactly right… A lot of the time, people in the situation we’re discussing will put off making a decision, hoping that things will magically resolve themselves and obviously they rarely do without any input. At some point there does become a ‘turning point’ where things become too much but often decisions can be made a lot earlier and easier.
You’re right that someone doesn’t want to have unrealistic standards that prevent themselves from experiencing any relationships. It’s about finding the balance between knowing what you are looking for and knowing how to find it!
Thanks for commenting and I hope everything is grand with you,
Sam
I think everyone has opposite ideas on this subject and a lot depends on the age of the respondent. As I have aged, my priorities have varied. I no longer look for anyone to make me happy, I look for society, person that will work with me for a routine goal. Other than that, it is up to yourself to be glad, and until you acquire to take care of yourself, your only preparing yourself up for grief and pain by reckoning on others to do that for you. One thing is that a love relationship is to much to charish to be operational in the first direct. Maybe you don’t have the brave for her, but if she screws you she will help you with that. Just ask her what am i doing wrong to piss you off and also make sure that every conversation at least one matter is right.
Hello,
That’s a good point about how age is often a factor. As people get older there is a far greater desire to settle down and think of stability and direction as more governing factors in a relationship.
I’m not sure I would recommend constantly asking what you are doing wrong but you’re right that you should be in charge of your own happiness.
Thanks for stopping by,
Sam
Nice post Sam!
I might add to the discussion an idea of another way to get at a decision point —– if a couple reviews my little book, “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage” (Boston Globe #1 relationship pick) and are not motivated to embrace the behaviors to give their marriage a serious try, they have lost the desire to try. But always see a professional therapist before you finally give up, you both owe that to yourselves, each other, and any children involved.
Come by and visit @ http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
Hello,
In an ideal world, all relationships would be suitable and everlasting and we would inherit the tools necessary to coexist with that partner happily for life. Unfortunately this isn’t the case and marriage only goes some way in artificially creating that. That is why I would still only recommend professional therapy in extreme circumstances, even for married couples.
Indeed, seeking therapy does show the willingness to make a change but even then there are enough resources available that are from a far more productive and enlightened angle than therapy.
Thanks for your input and I hope your book does well for you,
Sam