You make some fabulous points and it’s great to have a female perspective on things. That’s interesting you mention about the effort women must make to seem approachable. A lot of men will miss a lot of the cues or not act on them though (even obvious ones such as prolonged eye-contact) so there is still value in women taking a proactive approach towards these situations too. I do think it is best for men (and women) to think that ALL people are approachable though because to be honest, they should be, and usually are!

I like your interpretation of how the guys with the confidence to approach you and be sociable are more likely to have face-value attractive qualities. As you say though, being able to present yourself in this way is definitely learnable without having to change your core personality. It’s about getting the chance to convey your personality without any unattractive filler and hopefully that’s something that women can appreciate just as much as men.

Thanks for sharing your insights Kim,

Sam

Oh and although I haven’t finalised anything yet, I do indeed have plans to be in the USA at some point in 2010!

I agree that getting in a social mood is a useful concept for some guys; those in particularly analytical professions for example can sometimes find it hard to adjust to a sociable mood in an instant. Not being ‘in a social state’ is still generally an excuse our brains feed us when we feel out of practice or overwhelmed in a social environment, even for a short period of time. Aside from decidedly introverted people there doesn’t have to be a big shift between being on or off state. I guess it depends on how much someone wants to engage in the people around them in general, rather than only with specific social intentions.

Your second point is a great point. A lot of guys do put women on a pedestal and in doing so it is impossible to not have outcome dependence, ulterior motives or disingenuous interactions. That is one of the main issues I had with the old model we used to teach at Lovesystems, as it was about accepting and conforming to women being of ‘higher social value’. The mindset you describe is far healthier.

Thanks for commenting and I hope all is well with you,

Sam

PS: Jo will always have a special place in my pa… heart!

You’re correct in saying that men have to do most of the work (it must be hard being a man ay :p) but what us women have to do is far harder. We have to present ourselves in both looks and attitude as approachable yet not tooo easy, else we’ll get every boy and his dog approaching us.

Whilst only on rare occasions will I approach a man I fancy, I would say that is because it is personality that attracts us women a lot more than just hunk looks. I can’t approach every man I see to check such information so what other option do us women have?

I think the balance is about right as it is. The guys who are already confident enough to approach me are probably the kind of guys I want to date right? As for everyone else, well they can learn how to be more confident in that way as you know. Let them absorb your wisdom and then I am more than happy to meet them all the same

I hope we get to cross paths in real life one day, any plans to come to the states in the near future? x

Nice article. Approach anxiety is an old friend of mine, as you know, and I’ve applied the things you talk about and they work. I’ve since discovered two other things that supercharge social ease: being in a social mood is my biggest. Cold approaching is like going to the gym and diving straight into squat rack. It’s going to be stiff. And not in a Ross Jeffries way.

Second, is regarding us all as being on the same team. Works wonders… it is almost sorcery. It’s also a brilliant cure for awkward dorks who regard women as a big blur of… robots with boobs, rather than unique human beings like we all are. When I’m genuinely curious about anybody as a person it’s so much easier to connect and the possible weirdo vibe exits the performance.

I look forward to reading your blog more thoroughly, Sam. I doubt it will be as good as the original articles I wrote, but you never know.

Fraser

p.s. shotgun a… no don’t worry about it. Do you still speak to Jo?

Alcohol lowers inhibitions as it slows self-consciousness. Whilst it can give a sense of false bravado, it doesn’t solve the problem in the long run. I know of a lot of guys who are very successful with women but use alcohol as a crutch, and as I explain in the above article, once you instil habits it is very hard to break them!

I would strongly recommend trying to break out of that comfort-zone and force yourself to have the same courage whilst sober, if only to prove to yourself that you can do it. I was actually teetotal for about six months a few years ago as a health experiment and it was during that time that I developed the majority of my confidence without a doubt!

As for women and approach anxiety, I believe that they do still have it but it is not such a pertinent issue. This is due to modern dating culture setting men up to be the ‘pursuers’. Hopefully some female readers will respond with some of their own experiences to answer the question fully.

Thanks for your comment and praise,

Sam