Sleeping with someone new for the first time
The pivotal point in the majority of relationships and one which signifies the progression of a casual dating relationship into something real and lasting is having sexual intercourse together for the first time.
Men and women have VERY different perspectives on sleeping with someone for the first time and although everyone has their own personal thoughts and concerns about how and when to sleep with someone new, there are many generalisations that are useful to understand.
This article will explain how men and women differ emotionally when deciding to sleep with someone for the first time, whilst giving some general thoughts on how to use these differing feelings to have a smoother progression in your relationships… 
Common sex anxieties for men:
In my experience, the main concerns for men when sleeping with someone new are either performance related or timing related: ‘how to’ or ‘when to’!
Everyone has a different level of experience when it comes to sex and it is very likely that the woman you are with will have some slight apprehensions too, so it really is nothing to worry about.
The best resource I have found for some basic sex tips is a book called ‘The Guide to Getting It On’ by Paul Joannides. This book doesn’t cover any advanced sexual techniques but it does a good job at detailing all the basics thoroughly and whatever your experience is, I’m sure you’ll find some useful tips in there.
As well as everyone having a different level of experience regarding sex, everyone has their own unique set of sexual preferences and these won’t be discovered until an intimate relationship has developed. As such, it is best to keep things simple at first so you can get used to each other’s bodies. Even if you do possess the knowledge to give mind-blowing orgasms, you’re unlikely to be able to do this the first time with someone new, so try to keep things simple at first.
Trust and rapport before sex:
Aside from a small proportion of women who have particularly relaxed attitudes towards sex and commitment, most women require a certain amount of trust and rapport with a man before they are comfortable sleeping with him.
Whilst there are ways to create deep rapport with a woman extremely quickly and convince her without doubt that you will stick around and not just use her for sexual gratification, those are the sorts of methods than can lead to men seemingly ‘using’ women. Respecting a woman’s personal disposition towards sex and waiting for her to be both physically and emotionally ready is a far more compassionate method and one that will alleviate any conflicting emotions in the future.
On the other hand, if you have met a woman that you are interested in potentially pursuing a relationship with, getting the relationship sexual as soon as possible is the best way to achieve that, so it’s all about finding a balance.
Common sex anxieties for women:
There are two main reasons why sex with a new person may seem like more of a big deal for women than it is for men and those reasons are ‘social conformity’ and ‘natural instinct to pair-bond’. Obviously there will be women who buck this trend but if you are a man then you have probably come across these behaviours at some point, and if you are a woman then you can probably relate to some of these observations…
Social conformity:
What does modern society refer to a man who is sexually promiscuous as? A stud: an identity with fairly positive connotations.
What does modern society refer to a woman who is sexually promiscuous as? A slut: an identity with exceedingly negative connotations.
Women are constantly sent messages from both modern society and their peer groups never to appear sexually promiscuous or ‘easy’. What this can develop is a woman who will resist desires to sleep with men where a relationship isn’t a realistic possibility, even if she physically wants to.
Clichéd female dating advice states things such as “wait three dates until you sleep with a guy” or to put it another way, be defiant in not giving yourself to a man ‘too soon’. Whilst this may seem like a woman’s way of retaining power in the early stages of courtship, it actually has some underlying benefits.
On an evolutionary level, a woman’s objective is to find a man to pair-bond and raise offspring with. Although modern society is vastly different to this antiquated cycle and there are now numerous options for contraception readily available voiding any risk of pregnancy, some of these instinctual feelings are still present.
This is one reason why a woman will want to make sure that she is sleeping with someone with whom she can both trust and keep hold of. Sleeping with the ‘wrong person’ can be more detrimental than not sleeping with anyone at all, which backs up the advice that you should get to really know and trust someone if you are looking for anything more than simply sexual gratification.
A woman also knows, be it consciously or subconsciously, that there is a distinct power-shift in the relationship after sleeping together for the first time and it opens her up to a certain degree of vulnerability for a short while afterwards. This is a fair enough realisation as long as a woman is not using sex as any kind manipulative tool to control a man.
Your experiences:
I’d love to hear if you agree with these theories and also if you are willing to share any personal experiences in the comments section below. Have you ever felt that you slept with someone ‘too soon’? How do you feel when you sleep with someone for the first time and why do you think that is?
Much love,
Sam
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What do you say to people of certain religious faiths such as myself who don’t believe in sex before marriage? Although I am only 19 I am yet to find a boyfriend who respects this.
Hello,
It is hard for me to personally relate to your situation as I am not religious myself, although I did briefly date a religious woman with similar views to you many years ago. She actually changed her beliefs whilst she was with me so I imagine every Christian’s beliefs vary in strictness.
I can imagine that it would be hard to find guys without the same religious beliefs as you who are willing to wait until marriage but I am sure sticking to your beliefs is more important so good on you for doing so.
In a sense, waiting until marriage before having sex is just an extreme version of some of the points I was talking about in the above article, namely respecting a woman’s disposition towards sex and the levels of trust and commitment required before sex.
I’m not sure what your personal boundaries of intimacy would be with a man prior to marriage but I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who will respect them, regardless of their own religious stance.
Thanks for your question,
Sam
Got in to a bit of a habit of commenting on your blog now ha! It’s one of only 3 that I regularly check so thanks for always putting out awesome content!
I can relate to a lot of the things you wrote in this post. I always find it really awkward when first getting physical with a woman and knowing whether to go all the way yet or not. It’s not like you should ask is it?
To answer your question at the end, to me it’s a sense of excitement and relief when I finally have sex with someone I like although its always rather clumsy sex. I’ve never thought it was too soon but then I assume that part is just for women? Don’t know why that is though.
Cheers
Hey Dean, thanks for checking back so regularly and commenting!
Yes I know it can sometimes feel awkward when getting physical with a new woman for the first time. That is largely down to how smoothly you have escalated physically. If you increase seduction slowly from touching to kissing etc then you get to the point where sex is the next natural step.
I would generally advise against verbalising this seduction (unless you’ve spoken to each other about having sex before) as it puts the woman into the pressurised situation of having to logically decide whether to have sex or not in the moment. She will have done this already in her subconscious mind but sex is a lot more enjoyable for both sexes when it can be rationalised as natural and spontaneous.
Thanks for answering the questions too. Sex with someone new can seem ‘clumsy’ as you have to figure out what each other likes and dislikes. Both men and women can feel it is too soon for sex but as I stated in the article, women receive a lot harsher stereotypes when it comes to sex, which plays a part as to why they may seem to want to wait longer.
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
After we had sex for the first time I officially asked my boyfriend out (though later he said he was surprised as he’d assumed the date was an indication that we were going out!) and he said “oh good, you get to understand that I’m only going to get better at doing that”… which is entirely true!
First time is a run-through.
Which is why promiscuous sex would never be enjoyable for me. Woop de doo you have a bunch of moves that worked on the other girls… they’re unlikely to work on me!!
Hello,
I like that method. I often hear from people who don’t know where they stand because they assume sex automatically brings relationship status with it. And you’re right… Sex definitely gets better the more you do it with the same person!
Thanks a lot for commenting,
Sam
A woman’s insight:
The three-date rule is so that we can decide whether or not we think you’ll be good in bed. We like quality, not quantity;)
In that case maybe I’ll turn up to my next date doing cartwheels, with three pairs of socks stuffed down my pants, wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Sex God’ on it!!
Your insight does go to show how much more thorough women are with these things than men though. I can normally tell if a woman will be good in bed by default within about ten minutes of meeting her… and most men know if a woman is ‘good enough’ in bed within about ten seconds!!
Sam
It is better to be open about how you feel and it will be smooth sailing…
Discrete dating site for those married , or in a relationship,
and looking for discreet married dating.
marriedandlooking.co.uk
Correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t being ‘open about how you feel’ contradict the premise of a ‘discrete dating site’?
I meant better to be open to your partner…