There are two ways in which the love equilibrium can be damaged. The first is due to a sudden betrayal of trust, such as one person in the relationship cheating or doing some other malapropos activity in secret. The second, which is more common and is actually a predecessor to the first type, is a gradual development of contempt in the relationship.

The simplistic way to know when the love equilibrium is unbalanced is through observing changes in behaviour. Does your partner react differently to loving gestures compared to when you were first together? Does your partner seem to be becoming either needy or underwhelming? Any examples like this are usually signs that an imbalance is developing.

The solution is to notice which specific aspects of the relationship are causing the imbalance and work on smoothing those aspects out. Common examples are appreciation levels in the relationship, practical effort in the relationship and dependency on the relationship.

To make a woman “fall for you again”, attraction is the only thing that will consistently do that. A lot of men get lazy once they are in a secure relationship and no longer do the things that attracted their partner in the first place. Working on how attractive you are (both in behaviour and lifestyle) along with making sure your love and appreciation levels are conveyed similarly is what will restore the love equilibrium to its most fulfilling state.

Thanks for your questions John,

Sam

I agree that relationships can never truly be 50/50 when analysed at specific intervals and in fact it wouldn’t even be that healthy: human relationships feed off there being a dynamic between two people and in any given interaction there will usually be one person who is more active/dominant and the other who is more passive/submissive. These roles can and should fluctuate between the two people though, enabling them to fit equally into the equilibrium scale and hence it is the AVERAGE dynamic over a period of time that should ultimately be 50/50 or very close to it. There are also many peripheral factors that add to the overall equilibrium but on a basic level it is interest levels that are the easiest to observe externally and judge a balance from.

That’s a great point about infatuation being the beginning state of love if developed correctly. There are people who claim things such as ‘love at first sight’ but what I think they really mean is ‘potential love at first sight’. Loving relationships still take effort but because love is so powerful and exhilarating, it may not seem like effort!

Thanks for adding to your points Elena, you have some wonderful insights!

Sam

1. No relationship is truly 50/50. Some things one person in the relationship may have a majority on. Other things, the other person in the relationship will have their influence on. I think you can only hope that it’s as close to 50/50 as possible. I think there are different kinds of love, but that truly exceptional love –soulmate love– is the kind I think that’s easy and natural.

2. Infatuation is always at the initial part of the relationship. It’s new. It can grow into love but that’s only if both are interested in one another. As Mariah Carey says “Love Takes Time”. Some people are lucky enough to know the minute they meet that person, but what makes a relationship memorable is the journey. Obsession stems from what’s left over when the equilibrium is really off balance.

I’ve definitely been on both sides but I am still holding out for that special someone who is one of a kind. That to me is worth the wait even when there are no guarantees.

Have a nice weekend everybody!

I definitely think it is important to have the right balance when it comes to expressing how you feel about your partner. Every couple is different; Sam and I happen to be fairly open about expressing our feelings towards one another. He is actually quite the romantic, but not so much that it becomes overpowering.

As Sam mentions, I do take an interest in the topics discussed on the website and I enjoy talking with him about most of the subjects that are raised. Also, I generally have an idea about Sam’s views before each article is posted, as most of the issues we will have discussed previously.

So to answer your question, I have no problem at all with Sam’s blog; in fact I look forward to reading a new article each week!

x x

That’s a great opening point and knowing how much love (or expression of love) your partner can take comes with knowing your partner’s character in general. I assume that if your boyfriend did something like you described it would be ‘out of character’ for him and it would ‘disrupt the equilibrium’ to relate it to the article.

As for me and Heidi, she actually knew my passion for these topics when we met (although admittedly back then I was more focused on the dating side of things rather than relationships) but I also only write personal things that represent me authentically and I’m always aware of the ‘love equilibrium’ when doing so. As a second point, as I wrote in some of my early introductory posts, part of my interest is actually to develop and improve my own relationship and I love it when Heidi shows interest and embraces these sorts of topics with me as it helps us achieve that together. I guess the best answer to your question would come from Heidi herself though… I know she reads most of what I post, so if you’re there sweetie, share your thoughts please!!

The last part of your comment is pretty accurate too. It is a long time since I’ve been in the situation myself as since then I’ve always made sure the relationship progression is equal. You’re right though, once you’re at a stage of large imbalance it’s very hard to rectify without taking yourself out of the situation completely and reassessing everything!

Thanks for your comment,

Sam

You make some great points and have actually got me thinking about whether genuine love can be anything other than natural or equal as you say. If it is one-sided then perhaps it is always better described as obsession or infatuation!

I agree with what you say at the end of your comment about how genuine love should be natural and not a chore. It’s so disappointing to see people in relationships put up with being treated horribly because they “love their partner”.

Thanks for your insights Elena,

Sam

I have been in relationships where I have been the one “loving too much” and it sucks. I can recognise the situation now but only after a month or so of trying to get the relationship back on track. Once somebody has “checked out” there is usually no bringing them back. A man who has had his mind changed for him will still be of the same opinion…

I think also when love is genuine, it’s natural to both in the relationship and not a chore. It comes easily for both. This post is a terrific reminder for a person not to settle for anything less. Thanks Sam.

Knowing when you are in love is a tricky one. Love is such a sought after human desire that many people ‘fake it’ or get confused with infatuation as I described in the article. I would say that romantic love or true love is something that can’t manifest without time and effort and when you do reach that you will know the difference. True love is basically love that is void of any ego, which is something I’ve written about in the previous articles found in the archives.

As for the balance, it isn’t an exact science so will not be precisely equal. There is definitely a correlation between the act of ‘push-pull’ when referring to love though, so it’s more a subconscious tendency rather than a precise balance.

Thanks for your comment,

Sam