Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium
I know that my girlfriend loves me very much but there’s still something acutely powerful, blissfully reassuring and downright indomitable about hearing Heidi utter those magical three words to me.
I’ve worked hard over the past few years to rid myself of any negative emotions and anxieties and be able to control my emotions at will, yet I truly believe that the only emotion that cannot be suppressed is love!
That’s fine if your love for someone is equally reciprocated but what if it is not? And even if it is reciprocated, does the intensity fluctuate over time?
This article will introduce some new theories I have been working on surrounding love and how to manage what is ostensibly the most powerful emotion in the world… 
The love equilibrium:
I have recently been toying with the theory that there is a certain equilibrium that couples must find and maintain with regards to how much they love one another in order to sustain a happy and fulfilling relationship indefinitely.
Love, on the whole, is a positive emotion but it can also lead to some more disruptive traits rearing their ugly little heads. These are things such as neediness, dependency and validation-seeking and are all factors that can severely disrupt a once happy equilibrium.
How love affects self-control:
In a sense, love is linked to a state of being out of control. This theory explains my opening statement about how love is the only emotion that cannot be suppressed: it affects both our rational thoughts and actions.
The interesting point is that the MORE you fall in love, the MORE out of control with the relationship you become and the more likely the disruptive traits mentioned in the above section are to appear. This in turn will balance against your partner’s feelings. I’m not saying that your partner will start falling out of love with you but they will start feeling signs of contempt for the relationship, which if you’ve been reading this website for a while you will know is the number one relationship killer!
I know how much you all love my diagrams so I’ve created two diagrams that highlight what I mean…
The love equilibrium - balanced
The love equilibrium - unbalanced
The first diagram represents a happy couple in a fulfilling and equally loving relationship. The second diagram represents what happens when this balance goes out of kilter and one person in the relationship starts becoming overbearing with their love and almost like a weight against their partner. Obviously life circumstances will play a part in how each person reacts to such a scenario but it is ideal to get the balance back as soon as possible.
Love or infatuation:
Love is the culmination of many feelings towards a person and the side-effect of crafting a relationship of passion, intimacy and commitment. There is a well-known imposter to love though, which is called infatuation! Funnily enough, as there are fewer factors to obscure the dynamics, the love equilibrium is easier to spot when dealing with a case of infatuation.
An example, which I’m sure a lot of people can relate to is becoming obsessed with one particular person who you currently have no romantic relations with, be it a friend, someone you have a crush on, or a past boyfriend or girlfriend. If you actually get to the point of confessing your ‘love’ for them, you actually push them further away.
Balancing love:
In a mutual, loving and committed relationship, there should be no need for superfluous validation or ‘extra effort’ from one person and love should be something that develops both naturally and smoothly. A lot of couples use the magical three words “I love you” far too automated, often as an obligation or quarrelled peacemaker. I make a point of only personally using the phrase during particular moments of amorous emotion; basically, when I genuinely mean it! I’m sure that the sincerity of Heidi saying “I love you” is similar.
This topic is going to be one that I expand on considerably in the future and may well become an article series but the main things to think about if you are in love are, do you love each other equally and do you express that love equally?
Much love (genuine, balanced love) ,
Sam
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I think you are on to something Sam. I for one am looking forward to you writing more on this subject.
I agree looking back at my past relationships and indeed my failed marriage that there always seems to be one person who is making more effort and seems to have more to lose. I would second your theory that this is caused by love. There is nothng worse than feeling like the balance is not right as you describe.
Thanks for a great article and take care.
Joan <3
Hi Joan,
Yes you’re right when you describe it as someone having ‘more to lose’. Making more effort and having more to lose are actually conflicting situations yet it is one of the most counter-intuitive concepts in relationships and even relates back to dating and being ‘hard to get’. The instinctual action when you feel your partner is pulling away is to be more persistent and more loving (verging on needy as I described in the article) and it is perplexing to see this method fail. Taking a careful step back and an open perspective is generally a better solution but like I say, love often hinders rational thought.
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
I have to say that although this doesn’t relate to me much I enjoyed reading this. Im unsure if I have ever been in love (no one has ever explained how you know if you are in love?) but I can see how this works.
To clear up my understanding do you mean that the balance is always equal as in if it isn’t 50/50 it is 60/40 or 70/30 but never say 60/20. Soz if that doesn’t make sense what I mean is that is the partners love always a balanced version of theirs. Ok that prob still doesn’t make sense lol.
Thanks for a great read anyway Sam
Hey Dean,
Knowing when you are in love is a tricky one. Love is such a sought after human desire that many people ‘fake it’ or get confused with infatuation as I described in the article. I would say that romantic love or true love is something that can’t manifest without time and effort and when you do reach that you will know the difference. True love is basically love that is void of any ego, which is something I’ve written about in the previous articles found in the archives.
As for the balance, it isn’t an exact science so will not be precisely equal. There is definitely a correlation between the act of ‘push-pull’ when referring to love though, so it’s more a subconscious tendency rather than a precise balance.
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
Reading this is a good indicator of how when love is real, there will be a balance. I also think a difference between love and infatuation is that love can be seen through actions. Infatuation is usually one-sided but is harder to realize for the person who has the crush. I think many people who have love in relationships and are not satisfied are that way because the love lost its equilibrium.
I think also when love is genuine, it’s natural to both in the relationship and not a chore. It comes easily for both. This post is a terrific reminder for a person not to settle for anything less. Thanks Sam.
Hi Elena,
You make some great points and have actually got me thinking about whether genuine love can be anything other than natural or equal as you say. If it is one-sided then perhaps it is always better described as obsession or infatuation!
I agree with what you say at the end of your comment about how genuine love should be natural and not a chore. It’s so disappointing to see people in relationships put up with being treated horribly because they “love their partner”.
Thanks for your insights Elena,
Sam
I think it’s about knowing how much love your partner can take. For example – if my boyfriend wrote a blog like yours declaring in the open how much he loves me, I would find that too much. Not because I don’t love him but because the balance would be out of sync. I would be flattered at first but then I think I would want to discuss it as little as possible. I am a very private person and for him to do something like that would make me feel overwhelmed and as if I cannot compete. How does Heidi feel about your blog?
I have been in relationships where I have been the one “loving too much” and it sucks. I can recognise the situation now but only after a month or so of trying to get the relationship back on track. Once somebody has “checked out” there is usually no bringing them back. A man who has had his mind changed for him will still be of the same opinion…
Hello,
That’s a great opening point and knowing how much love (or expression of love) your partner can take comes with knowing your partner’s character in general. I assume that if your boyfriend did something like you described it would be ‘out of character’ for him and it would ‘disrupt the equilibrium’ to relate it to the article.
As for me and Heidi, she actually knew my passion for these topics when we met (although admittedly back then I was more focused on the dating side of things rather than relationships) but I also only write personal things that represent me authentically and I’m always aware of the ‘love equilibrium’ when doing so. As a second point, as I wrote in some of my early introductory posts, part of my interest is actually to develop and improve my own relationship and I love it when Heidi shows interest and embraces these sorts of topics with me as it helps us achieve that together. I guess the best answer to your question would come from Heidi herself though… I know she reads most of what I post, so if you’re there sweetie, share your thoughts please!!
The last part of your comment is pretty accurate too. It is a long time since I’ve been in the situation myself as since then I’ve always made sure the relationship progression is equal. You’re right though, once you’re at a stage of large imbalance it’s very hard to rectify without taking yourself out of the situation completely and reassessing everything!
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
Hi there : )
I definitely think it is important to have the right balance when it comes to expressing how you feel about your partner. Every couple is different; Sam and I happen to be fairly open about expressing our feelings towards one another. He is actually quite the romantic, but not so much that it becomes overpowering.
As Sam mentions, I do take an interest in the topics discussed on the website and I enjoy talking with him about most of the subjects that are raised. Also, I generally have an idea about Sam’s views before each article is posted, as most of the issues we will have discussed previously.
So to answer your question, I have no problem at all with Sam’s blog; in fact I look forward to reading a new article each week!
x x
This is such a great topic I have to comment again. I just want to add two things to clarify my original comment.
1. No relationship is truly 50/50. Some things one person in the relationship may have a majority on. Other things, the other person in the relationship will have their influence on. I think you can only hope that it’s as close to 50/50 as possible. I think there are different kinds of love, but that truly exceptional love –soulmate love– is the kind I think that’s easy and natural.
2. Infatuation is always at the initial part of the relationship. It’s new. It can grow into love but that’s only if both are interested in one another. As Mariah Carey says “Love Takes Time”. Some people are lucky enough to know the minute they meet that person, but what makes a relationship memorable is the journey. Obsession stems from what’s left over when the equilibrium is really off balance.
I’ve definitely been on both sides but I am still holding out for that special someone who is one of a kind. That to me is worth the wait even when there are no guarantees.
Have a nice weekend everybody!
Hi Elena,
I agree that relationships can never truly be 50/50 when analysed at specific intervals and in fact it wouldn’t even be that healthy: human relationships feed off there being a dynamic between two people and in any given interaction there will usually be one person who is more active/dominant and the other who is more passive/submissive. These roles can and should fluctuate between the two people though, enabling them to fit equally into the equilibrium scale and hence it is the AVERAGE dynamic over a period of time that should ultimately be 50/50 or very close to it. There are also many peripheral factors that add to the overall equilibrium but on a basic level it is interest levels that are the easiest to observe externally and judge a balance from.
That’s a great point about infatuation being the beginning state of love if developed correctly. There are people who claim things such as ‘love at first sight’ but what I think they really mean is ‘potential love at first sight’. Loving relationships still take effort but because love is so powerful and exhilarating, it may not seem like effort!
Thanks for adding to your points Elena, you have some wonderful insights!
Sam