I know that my girlfriend loves me very much but there’s still something acutely powerful, blissfully reassuring and downright indomitable about hearing Heidi utter those magical three words to me.
I’ve worked hard over the past few years to rid myself of any negative emotions and anxieties and be able to control my emotions at will, yet I truly believe that the only emotion that cannot be suppressed is love!
That’s fine if your love for someone is equally reciprocated but what if it is not? And even if it is reciprocated, does the intensity fluctuate over time?
This article will introduce some new theories I have been working on surrounding love and how to manage what is ostensibly the most powerful emotion in the world…
The love equilibrium:
I have recently been toying with the theory that there is a certain equilibrium that couples must find and maintain with regards to how much they love one another in order to sustain a happy and fulfilling relationship indefinitely.
Love, on the whole, is a positive emotion but it can also lead to some more disruptive traits rearing their ugly little heads. These are things such as neediness, dependency and validation-seeking and are all factors that can severely disrupt a once happy equilibrium.
How love affects self-control:
In a sense, love is linked to a state of being out of control. This theory explains my opening statement about how love is the only emotion that cannot be suppressed: it affects both our rational thoughts and actions.
The interesting point is that the MORE you fall in love, the MORE out of control with the relationship you become and the more likely the disruptive traits mentioned in the above section are to appear. This in turn will balance against your partner’s feelings. I’m not saying that your partner will start falling out of love with you but they will start feeling signs of contempt for the relationship, which if you’ve been reading this website for a while you will know is the number one relationship killer!
I know how much you all love my diagrams so I’ve created two diagrams that highlight what I mean…
The first diagram represents a happy couple in a fulfilling and equally loving relationship. The second diagram represents what happens when this balance goes out of kilter and one person in the relationship starts becoming overbearing with their love and almost like a weight against their partner. Obviously life circumstances will play a part in how each person reacts to such a scenario but it is ideal to get the balance back as soon as possible.
Love or infatuation:
Love is the culmination of many feelings towards a person and the side-effect of crafting a relationship of passion, intimacy and commitment. There is a well-known imposter to love though, which is called infatuation! Funnily enough, as there are fewer factors to obscure the dynamics, the love equilibrium is easier to spot when dealing with a case of infatuation.
An example, which I’m sure a lot of people can relate to is becoming obsessed with one particular person who you currently have no romantic relations with, be it a friend, someone you have a crush on, or a past boyfriend or girlfriend. If you actually get to the point of confessing your ‘love’ for them, you actually push them further away.
In a mutual, loving and committed relationship, there should be no need for superfluous validation or ‘extra effort’ from one person and love should be something that develops both naturally and smoothly. A lot of couples use the magical three words “I love you” far too automated, often as an obligation or quarrelled peacemaker. I make a point of only personally using the phrase during particular moments of amorous emotion; basically, when I genuinely mean it! I’m sure that the sincerity of Heidi saying “I love you” is similar.
This topic is going to be one that I expand on considerably in the future and may well become an article series but the main things to think about if you are in love are, do you love each other equally and do you express that love equally?
Much love (genuine, balanced love) ,