How to get out of the friend zone
The ‘friend zone’ is a common dating situation where one person develops feelings for someone with whom their relationship has previously always been purely platonic. The friend zone can also refer to a situation where one person openly reveals a romantic interest in someone else only for the feelings not to be reciprocated. This second description is commonly referred to as the “let’s just be friends” syndrome due to the fact that phrase is a common response to unwanted romantic interest from a friend.
It is typically more common for men to find themselves in situations regarding the friend zone, as women generally have more dating options available to them and as a consequence can differentiate between emotional attachment and sexual attraction more easily. In fact, of my male clients, a fairly high percentage come to me directly from the situation that there is someone specific who they want to win over. My advice to those people is usually the same: in order to get one woman, you have to be able to get ALL women!
This article is going to dissect the psychology behind having romantic feelings for a friend before describing the only reliable techniques to starting a relationship with someone who you are firmly in the ‘friend zone’ with… 
The reason why you are in the friend zone:
Romantic relationships form through the distinct progression of several different stages, namely attraction and rapport. Someone who finds themselves strictly in the friend zone has generally skipped the attraction phases and has instead created deep rapport with this person. Deep rapport refers to being comfortable talking in depth with someone about meaningful or personal topics. The opposite of deep rapport is wide rapport, which is talking about a variety of topics in a casual and informal way. Although wide rapport is also a sign of friendship, attraction can be created through these methods too. It is specifically deep rapport prior to any sexual attraction or physical escalation that will triumphantly lump you in the friend zone!
To distinguish this muddled order of the phases of relationship progression more clearly, someone will be in the friend zone because they have failed to successfully escalate the relationship at certain points, namely in the physical sense. Although making physical advances on women is a common anxiety for men, women often have the same issue but from a different cause. For women it is primarily the result of modern-day social conditioning that states women should play a more passive role towards dating, with the male making most of the ‘moves’ and advances.
If a certain window of opportunity has passed by with nothing being said or done to communicate a romantic interest, then friendship will always be implied!
Why do you want to get out of the friend zone?
If you acknowledge that you are in the friend zone and you really do feel infatuated with one specific person, before I reveal a few methods for turning things around there are a number of concepts worth thinking about first.
First is to make sure that this isn’t a case of dating avoidance. Turning a friendship (one where you are already comfortable with each other and enjoy one another’s company) into a relationship may simply seem easier than the alternative but is that reason enough? I advocate a proactive approach to dating but putting yourself out there, developing adept social skills and then embarking on the arduous task of finding the partner you really want is a tough thing to do. It is also time-consuming for someone who wants to be in a relationship NOW and wants to spend their time on other aspects of life. For some people it is not only easier to date a friend but it is also less painful than dealing with the rejections that a proactive dating life can entail.
More often than not though, infatuation with a friend signifies a lack of options in the dating world. Be honest with yourself as to whether it really is the person you are attracted to and not just the opportunity. Revealing interest in a friend or starting to date one WILL change your relationship, so be honest with your situation and desires before proceeding.
How to get out of the friend zone:
The truth is that getting out of the friend zone is a particularly tricky thing to do and the mutual respect in trying to do so is questionable. As I stated in the introduction, in order to get one woman you have to be able to get ALL women (the same is true for women regarding attracting men too). What I mean by this statement is that there was a fundamental reason why your relationship with the person you like advanced down the route of friendship rather than anything else. In order to turn things around you have to ultimately change the whole basis of your relationship.
There are many real-world examples of couples who were originally friends before becoming lovers. If these relationships don’t stem from the methods I am about to describe then they have developed from a temporary insecurity or emotional vulnerability in the less amenable of the two people. Although there is nothing wrong with a fulfilling relationship blossoming this way, you don’t want to be sitting around waiting for that unlikely opportunity.
The easiest way to start to get someone interested in you romantically and sexually is to start to show the more attractive sides of your personality rather than the affectionate sides and to also be willing to break rapport and very slowly become more physically intimate. Obviously there are respectful ways to do all this as well as disrespectful ways and of course you want to be doing the former. An article that will give you some idea of the required shift in attitude can be found here: ‘Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance’.
The best way to practice having a more attractive presence though, which will also be the healthiest method for your psyche, is to remove your feelings from the situation completely and practice attracting OTHER people as part of a more proactive dating life. You may just find that if you’re meeting other people, it could be best to remain friends after all…
Much love,
Sam
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Gday Sam! Another excellant topic! I’ve had crushes on friends before (or maybe its just friends that I know I would get it on with if you know what I mean) but I’ve never told any of them. Its true though that its always when I don’t have any other women in the picture that I get these feelings so your explanation and advice is spot on.
If you have time could you explain the window of opportunity part that you mention please. Do you mean that there is more than one woo (window of opportunity) or one specific woo?
J-dawg
Hey Jon,
What I mean by the window of opportunity is that there are certain points in the process of meeting, attracting and connecting with someone where the relationship should escalate in order to progress to the next level of intimacy. In conventional, adult relationships this normally means physically.
Some of these windows of opportunity are more prevalent or noticeable than others; a common, somewhat cliché one being a couple’s first kiss, although there are many more intricate stages as well.
As more and more of these ‘moments’ pass by unfulfilled, the more passive person in the relationship will start to assume that nothing romantic will manifest, which is when they will start framing the other person in a friendship role, be it consciously or subconsciously.
So what it is really saying is that in the ideal situation, if you really like someone then you want to progress the relationship at every available opportunity to avoid ever becoming ‘just a friend’.
I hope that explains it a bit better,
Sam
I actually fall in to the opposite or rather I have been on the recieving end of this stuff several times in my life rather than in the friendzone myself. I’ve had guys who I had presumed were nothing more than close friends but then on a random drunken night they will admit they feel more for me. My friends say it is because I unintentionally lead guys on or am more flirty with them even if I just want to be friends bt I really never intend that. It hasn’t happened recently [touch wood] but do you have any advise on spotting the signs of a friend falling for another friend before its too late? Thanks in advance keep up the good work xx
Hi Cindy,
I’ve actually seen the situation you describe occur more times than I can remember with many of my female friends, including my girlfriend and some of her male friends in fact, so it isn’t too uncommon.
What it comes down to is the way men are taught to read female sub-communications. Men are not always the best at interpreting these cues and can easily confuse affection for attraction. This can often be something as simple as you being enthusiastic when you talk to them. Obviously you don’t want to change how you act around your friends but there are some ways in which you can spot if their intentions are contrastive.
The easiest way is if you notice that they are doing things around you or for you that you know they wouldn’t do with their other friends, or if they are going out of their way to spend time with you or do things for you that are out of character. Men (usually younger men that are less socially experienced) will be very forthcoming and needy in both their body-language and interactions with you long before they actually admit their feelings to anyone, so learning to spot these signs is how you will be able to know what is going on.
If a friend does admit his feelings for you and they aren’t reciprocated, the worst thing you can do is continue acting as if nothing has happened and give them hope or signs that you will sporadically change your mind. Sometimes ‘tough love’ is the best remedy!
Thanks for your question Cindy,
Sam
The bad boy or nice guy question comes up in my book “Sensitivity 101 for the Heterosexual Male” along with 10 lessons all men need to learn. Check it our at Amazon.com or my website http://www.philipnork.com. I’m following this blog…great info to share. Thanks!
Hey Philip,
Sounds interesting… I’ll be sure to check out your book! Although I have a reading list the length of the Great Wall of China, I am always looking for new perspectives.
Good luck with it,
Sam
This has been a perennial problem for guys and your article is sure to help at least a few of us
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