I always advocate relationships that are fully open and trusting, regardless of how serious or monogamous they are. However, there are some topics that will do your relationship no favours by being discussed in intricate detail, especially in the initial stages of dating and connecting.
A lot of a relationship’s success is based upon the effort each person makes on their own personal development. Things such as jealousy, arguments and ‘the number one relationship killer’ are all based on insecurities that are individual and not that of a couple. Whilst I repeat the sentiment that relationships should be fully open and trusting, there is a big difference between sharing your insecurities with your partner and expecting them to ‘fix you’, as opposed to being responsible for your own personal development.
So to expand this article’s title to a less pithy but more accurate version, below are a couple of topics that you should avoid detailing or enquiring to unnecessary and inconsiderate depths with you partner…
It is unlikely that both you and your partner will have an identical relationship history… and even less likely is having an identical sexual history! Whilst it is useful to know roughly how experienced your partner is regarding previous relationships, be honest with yourself as to how detailed you really want that knowledge to be!
It is a common feeling for someone to become unnerved at finding out their new partner has a lot more previous sexual partners than first thought. The fact of the matter is that it really makes little difference to how you should strive to act in your relationship, which is why for most people it is better to concentrate on that aspect instead of feeling the need to know every miscellaneous detail about your girlfriend or boyfriend’s past.
Reacting negatively to information about your partner’s past solely boils down to personal insecurities. Finding out that they have had more sexual partners than you initially thought does not change them from being the person you decided to be in a relationship with, nor does it increase their likelihood to be unfaithful. As feelings like these are always personal issues related to the ego, make sure you know you can deal with undesirable responses before digging deeper into a discussion on this topic.
Comparing yourself to your girlfriend or boyfriend’s past lovers is another common issue that is detrimental to your own state of mind as well as inconsiderate to your partner’s feelings. Remember that it is absurd to be jealous of someone who no longer exists in the context you are picturing them in!
Money is a topic that can cause particular strain in relationships, and more specifically dating, as it comes with a lot of expectations and traditions. Although modern culture is starting to change, I still know of plenty of women who abide by the strict rule that men should pay for dates and spend lavishly, regardless of real financial situations.
In terms of an actual topic of discussion, there is a difference between saying roughly how much money you make and what you like to spend your money on, and detailing all records of your earnings or debts.
Complaining about mounting debts or financial woes is generally unattractive but bragging about money or possessions is equally unattractive. In other words, making it obvious that your EGO is affected by how much money you have or earn is unattractive!
Until you are taking on joint financial commitments with a partner, the topic of money is best kept simply as a contingent for living; your partner will have a pretty good idea of how much money you have if you live inside your reality anyway. Whilst you should never lie about having more money than you do, you do not want any financial anxiety to ruin your relationship, so both ends of the discussion are equally void.
Personal problems or issues:
This topic relates back to what I was saying in the introduction about how you should be responsible for your own personal development and self-esteem. A romantic partner isn’t, and should never act as your therapist! Likewise, you should not try and act as a therapist to your partner. The most helpful way to aid your partner with any issues they might have is to point them in the direction of their own enlightenment and encourage them to take positive action themselves, with your support.
Changing your partner’s mood if they are down (getting them laughing, smiling and thinking positively) is far more effective for their mental health than discussing abstract problems in a logical fashion (unless they actually have clinical problems of course).
Once again it boils down to finding the right balance of what is attractive to your partner and what creates a deep connection between the two of you. As well as this, everything you do with your partner (including all conversation) should be done because you have a genuine interest in them and your relationship, not for any ego related reasons.
So to summarise, if you feel that you have mastered your own ego, especially regarding your relationship, then there aren’t specifically any topics you must ‘avoid’… but if you are not quite there yet in managing your own ego, then you may want to avoid anything that might intensify those feelings, such as everything that has been talked about above, until you do so…
Some highly recommended reading that will make some of what I have discussed in this article a lot clearer and more concise can be found HERE!
Please do keep in touch…