Comments on: The number one relationship killer http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/09/number-one-relationship-killer/ Relationship and Dating Advice Fri, 18 May 2012 12:28:27 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Samuel McCrohan http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/09/number-one-relationship-killer/#comment-6534 Samuel McCrohan Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:09:08 +0000 http://sparklife.info/blog/?p=410#comment-6534 Hi, The first step is recognising the contempt and both actively wanting to work at the relationship. How one-sided and also how intense the feelings of contempt are plays a part in how easy that process will be. You must both be prepared to put any past grievances behind you. A relationship in that transitional phase shouldn’t feel subordinate because it should always be as fulfilling as it can be at each moment in time. Once you have recognised the specific areas to work on (eliminating routine and monotony are common examples), the main thing to ensure is that the relationship is always mutually positive, the antithesis of contempt! :) Thanks for reading the articles and commenting, Sam Hi,

The first step is recognising the contempt and both actively wanting to work at the relationship. How one-sided and also how intense the feelings of contempt are plays a part in how easy that process will be. You must both be prepared to put any past grievances behind you.

A relationship in that transitional phase shouldn’t feel subordinate because it should always be as fulfilling as it can be at each moment in time. Once you have recognised the specific areas to work on (eliminating routine and monotony are common examples), the main thing to ensure is that the relationship is always mutually positive, the antithesis of contempt! :)

Thanks for reading the articles and commenting,

Sam

]]> By: Hurting and Heartbroken http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/09/number-one-relationship-killer/#comment-6502 Hurting and Heartbroken Fri, 25 Nov 2011 16:01:48 +0000 http://sparklife.info/blog/?p=410#comment-6502 Your article helped me understand what contributed to the deterioration of my relationship. Is there a way for both partners to heal from the contempt that developed? Is a subordinate relationship okay while we are both trying to embrace and enrich each other? Your article helped me understand what contributed to the deterioration of my relationship. Is there a way for both partners to heal from the contempt that developed? Is a subordinate relationship okay while we are both trying to embrace and enrich each other?

]]> By: Samuel McCrohan http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/09/number-one-relationship-killer/#comment-3061 Samuel McCrohan Fri, 04 Sep 2009 00:05:08 +0000 http://sparklife.info/blog/?p=410#comment-3061 Hi Elena, Thanks a lot; you’ve added some great points. You’ve really got me thinking about how much of these sorts of behaviours and feelings are inherited, or developed through relationships during childhood, such as family life. You’re right about how cynical relationships can never work. Unfortunately these sorts of relationships are plastered all over our televisions, at least in the British soap-operas I’m currently thinking of! True love shouldn’t be something that is expected to be effortless and that is part of the problem. I agree when you say that contempt is related to pain, but it is not always external or visible pain, which is why it can be so hard to recognise. I think the best word to describe it all is ‘apathy’, which once again is an internal feeling and hard to recognise without positive communication, another quality you pointed out. :) Thanks for sharing your thoughts Elena, Sam Hi Elena,

Thanks a lot; you’ve added some great points. You’ve really got me thinking about how much of these sorts of behaviours and feelings are inherited, or developed through relationships during childhood, such as family life.

You’re right about how cynical relationships can never work. Unfortunately these sorts of relationships are plastered all over our televisions, at least in the British soap-operas I’m currently thinking of! True love shouldn’t be something that is expected to be effortless and that is part of the problem.

I agree when you say that contempt is related to pain, but it is not always external or visible pain, which is why it can be so hard to recognise. I think the best word to describe it all is ‘apathy’, which once again is an internal feeling and hard to recognise without positive communication, another quality you pointed out. :)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Elena,

Sam

]]> By: Elena http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/09/number-one-relationship-killer/#comment-3056 Elena Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:11:02 +0000 http://sparklife.info/blog/?p=410#comment-3056 I couldn't agree with you more. You really made some great points. I never really thought about the different ways contempt disguises itself. Sometimes, that's all a person has known in their life. Contempt and mistrust go hand in hand. Also, contempt is a direct result of pain. I think in order for a relationship to truly succeed, both parties need to be communicative with one another and optimistic to the idea of true love. There are alot of cynics in the world and I've always said that I've never met a cynic who hasn't been hurt. There are some good types of criticism, but the ones that exist in a relationship can be destructive because usually the criticism is about a person's characteristics not a situation that both people in the relationship can learn from. I think faith and trust are the two things that can make a relationship flourish. With both in the relationship keeping an open mind and open heart, anything is possible. I couldn’t agree with you more. You really made some great points. I never really thought about the different ways contempt disguises itself. Sometimes, that’s all a person has known in their life. Contempt and mistrust go hand in hand. Also, contempt is a direct result of pain. I think in order for a relationship to truly succeed, both parties need to be communicative with one another and optimistic to the idea of true love. There are alot of cynics in the world and I’ve always said that I’ve never met a cynic who hasn’t been hurt.

There are some good types of criticism, but the ones that exist in a relationship can be destructive because usually the criticism is about a person’s characteristics not a situation that both people in the relationship can learn from. I think faith and trust are the two things that can make a relationship flourish. With both in the relationship keeping an open mind and open heart, anything is possible.

]]> By: Samuel McCrohan http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/09/number-one-relationship-killer/#comment-3054 Samuel McCrohan Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:23:24 +0000 http://sparklife.info/blog/?p=410#comment-3054 Hello, You make some very valuable points, my favourite of which is at the end where you talk about couples having to make an effort to keep their relationship fulfilling. Complacency is another common route to contempt so I’m glad you highlighted that. It’s true that if both people in the relationship make this effort and are aware of all the triggers mentioned then it reduces the risk of any contempt forming in the first place. The ending to my article might seem a little vague to some people so I hope everyone reads what you have added. Thank you, Sam Hello,

You make some very valuable points, my favourite of which is at the end where you talk about couples having to make an effort to keep their relationship fulfilling. Complacency is another common route to contempt so I’m glad you highlighted that.

It’s true that if both people in the relationship make this effort and are aware of all the triggers mentioned then it reduces the risk of any contempt forming in the first place.

The ending to my article might seem a little vague to some people so I hope everyone reads what you have added.

Thank you,

Sam

]]> By: Prime Lady http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/09/number-one-relationship-killer/#comment-3053 Prime Lady Tue, 01 Sep 2009 23:22:37 +0000 http://sparklife.info/blog/?p=410#comment-3053 This is all very interesting Sam and the bottom line is having respect and empathy for your partner as you say and listening to how they are feeling. Sometimes when we are in a long term relationship we need to reflect on that and remember not to take them for granted or become complacent. There are often hidden reasons why someone is behaving like that and one could be they are already cheating on you or wanting to maybe get out of the relationship. I think that sometimes when you feel a relationship is over it can create contempt for it but not make you actually leave. This article is good. It is reminding people that they have to put effort into relationships and in long term relationships we can become complacent and take it for granted that we don’t have to make that effort. This is all very interesting Sam and the bottom line is having respect and empathy for your partner as you say and listening to how they are feeling. Sometimes when we are in a long term relationship we need to reflect on that and remember not to take them for granted or become complacent.

There are often hidden reasons why someone is behaving like that and one could be they are already cheating on you or wanting to maybe get out of the relationship. I think that sometimes when you feel a relationship is over it can create contempt for it but not make you actually leave.

This article is good. It is reminding people that they have to put effort into relationships and in long term relationships we can become complacent and take it for granted that we don’t have to make that effort.

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