There’s every chance that the trauma of the situation has had a positive effect on your girlfriend’s attitude and she is being wholly sincere now. If you do get back together though, you do want to cement ground rules about what is and what is not acceptable in your relationship. This isn’t in a domineering way and in fact it should be as mutual as possible (you should find a common ground on what is and what is not acceptable for both of you). You want to convey as empathetically as possible that you will not have your trust abused again and that you will leave if it is.

Having said that, once that has been settled and if you are together again, you really have to give her a clean slate by whatever means possible. Second to this, you want to resist ever bringing up the fact that she lied to you in the past… as that will only lead to further arguments, resentment and trust issues!

Good luck,

Sam

I agree with everything you’ve added, such as lying usually being generic patterns learnt during childhood and that fear and lack of trust are partly to blame. That’s not to say that these feelings and patterns can’t be changed though as long as there is self-awareness.

Thanks a lot for linking to that video; it highlights some great basic techniques to this sort of thing. Hopefully the people watching will realise that they are suggestions rather than scientific proof for the most part. It is more clusters of those sorts of signs that are useful rather than isolated gestures. Another thing I hope people realise is to not let it affect their interactions by becoming obsessed with trying to spot lies using those methods. It’s a useful video though so thanks for posting that.

I love the quote you’ve posted too… so true!

Thanks for sharing Elena and have a wonderful weekend,

Sam

I want to hear about your party trick one of these days. There’s also a YouTube video that talks about how to detect a lie. Here is the link if you’re interested. a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tW8KYtvAsrw&feature=player_embedded”>You
Tube

I am hoping to see The Invention of Lying and I love your quote by Abe Lincoln. My favorite quote is by the writer Mark Twain “When you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

I’ve resisted writing about this previously (for reasons I will explain in a moment) but I actually do know some very reliable techniques for knowing if someone is lying or not. They basically revolve around being able to recognise human micro-expressions as well as things such as eye-accessing cues (research has proven that eyes fluctuate in certain directions when accessing different parts of the brain). These aren’t something I set out to learn but after years of studying social psychology they are something I have developed a skill for recognising. I actually used to have a ‘party trick’ where I would do a short human lie-detector test on people for entertainment value.

Aside from the fact that it takes years to perfect these skills, the reason I don’t particularly advocate these methods as something to specifically learn is that outwardly feeling the need to know when your partner is lying is a product of insecurity. As you say, if you trust your partner then you don’t have to worry… and if you don’t trust your partner then there are more important things to worry about regarding the relationship.

Thanks for your comment,

Sam

Yes I saw the trailer recently and as a massive Ricky Gervais fan I am looking forward to this movie. From the look of it there does seem to be a heavy focus on relationships (between Ricky Gervais and Jennifer Garner it seems) so there might be relevant things to learn in there. I can also imagine there being a moral storyline behind the comedy so I’ll definitely go and see it when it is released.

As a bonus accompaniment to your link, here’s a funny review of the film by Karl Pilkington (Ricky Gervais’ hilarious sidekick here in England):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqt8rWDGIfo

Thanks for the recommendation,

Sam

I’ve never dated a pathological liar myself but I know it can be a very unnerving and manipulative experience. It’s great that your relationship now is so honest and caring.

The last part of your comment is spot on. It is usually naivety that prevents someone from admitting that they are being cheated on rather than their partner going out of their way to lie. This usually leads the cheating partner to believe that they can ‘get away with it’, which also consequently leads to their undoing. Being more aware, conscious and open with your partner is a way to know if your partner is being dishonest, but more importantly so they don’t feel the need to be dishonest in the first place.

Thanks for your comment,

Sam

I’ve written about it before but lying and cheating both stem from a feeling of inadequacy in some form. Deep down a cheater feels that they want more from a relationship but in the way they have setup their relationship (monogamous relationships are the default in modern society) they know that having other lovers will not be accepted… Therefore lying is the way to rationalise the behaviour and not risk being left with nobody.

Technically it wouldn’t be lying (and that is often a method I see guys use to justify forms of cheating) but it doesn’t change the fact that cheating is a symptom of other problems in a relationship (or how you perceive yourself in relationships) regardless of how you frame or justify it. I’ve explained this concept more fully in the article ‘Cheating on a partner does not matter’.

At the end of the day, lying and cheating are both wrong because they imply your partner’s ignorance to the situation. The actual context of what ‘lying’ or ‘cheating’ actually is differs depending on each relationship’s unique boundaries.

Thanks for your comment,

Sam