I’m glad you like the articles and I do reply to all e-mails, comments and questions that I receive. I sometimes have to give priority to paying customers but still reply to everyone else as soon as possible.

On to your question…

It sounds like this is a behaviour trait that your girlfriend has developed over a long period of time, almost as a habitual thing. Without knowing more about the sorts of lies she tends to tell, it is hard to determine if they are purposefully manipulative or not but I agree that honesty in a relationship is always the best course of action. This is something that you will want to convey to your girlfriend and help her truly believe if you are to completely solve this issue.

If you have discussed with your girlfriend that you respect honesty and won’t accept being lied to and yet she still seems to be telling lies, then a more gradual method might work better.

As the above article mentioned, people condition themselves to lie because they believe that it is a shortcut to a desired outcome. The gradual method basically involves showing your girlfriend that she can get those same outcomes by telling the truth, whilst simultaneously showing you respect and keeping the relationship fulfilling and void of any guilt or suspicion: qualities that I am sure she does actually desire in a relationship.

The way to do this does vary depending on the scale of each individual lie and its context. Start to think of ways that you can specifically display and influence changes in her behaviour in a positive way. The easiest way to do this is verbally but you can also show it through positive reactions whenever she is honest with you when she might previously not have been.

You do want to let her know how it makes you feel when she does lie to you because the worst thing in this whole process is if she knows that she can still ‘get away with’ the lies or that you will forgive her too easily.

Let me know how things work out or if you want to discuss anything further,

Sam

I know this topic is old, and Im not sure if you still reply on this subject.

But i have a question concerning my girlfriend, we have been together for nearly a year, and I love her so much, but i have a big problem, and that is that she tells so many lies. At the first of our relationship when I found out about a few lies, she came to me and was so sorry and promised me that she would never lie again and i quickly forgave her seeing this as an oppertunity to build our trust in the relationship. As time has gone on she has continuted to lie about a lot more, and bigger stuff. I feel everytime i catch her in a lie it only digs us deeper in a hole, meaning that I feel she will continue to be dishonest to me, and wont tell me the truth because she has told me she wouldnt do it again, and etc. I love her so much, but i feel its to the point that she manipulates me and uses me. I dont know what i can do to get her to be honest with me, honesty is so much better than any lie, no matter what the situation is, getting lied to is just a hurting feeling, even if she did it with good intentions of not wanting me to get hurt, in the end its only worse. What do you think?

Thanks!

There are all sorts of inconsistencies and details that get muddled in the beginning stages of a relationship. These usually smooth themselves out naturally as the relationship grows in rapport, so it isn’t unusual that a few of these details can get slightly out of hand initially.

Even with a specific lie, the same mindset of leading your boyfriend to the truth rather than a big ‘reveal’ is the most empathetic and natural way to get the best outcome.

I would avoid using the word “lie” as it has negative connotations and is only likely to stir up negative emotions, such as trusting you in the future. Instead, find a time when you are both in a positive, happy mood and slowly build the picture of what the truth is without dwelling too much on what you have said in the past.

A lot of how you discuss it will be based on how drastic the lie actually is and your own judgement of how you think your boyfriend will react.

As with any lie, it is always a case of ‘the longer it lingers, the worse it will become’, so it’s good that you want to sort this out as soon as possible.

Let me know how it works out,

Sam

Good site!!

I have a question…i have been dating my current boyfriend for about 3 months now and everything is great but i lied to himabout where i lived before we started dating. As a result, i cant bring him home to seee my parents….how can i break it to uim that i lied? What would be a good way? I dont want him to stop trusting me becaus of it!

There’s every chance that the trauma of the situation has had a positive effect on your girlfriend’s attitude and she is being wholly sincere now. If you do get back together though, you do want to cement ground rules about what is and what is not acceptable in your relationship. This isn’t in a domineering way and in fact it should be as mutual as possible (you should find a common ground on what is and what is not acceptable for both of you). You want to convey as empathetically as possible that you will not have your trust abused again and that you will leave if it is.

Having said that, once that has been settled and if you are together again, you really have to give her a clean slate by whatever means possible. Second to this, you want to resist ever bringing up the fact that she lied to you in the past… as that will only lead to further arguments, resentment and trust issues!

Good luck,

Sam

I agree with everything you’ve added, such as lying usually being generic patterns learnt during childhood and that fear and lack of trust are partly to blame. That’s not to say that these feelings and patterns can’t be changed though as long as there is self-awareness.

Thanks a lot for linking to that video; it highlights some great basic techniques to this sort of thing. Hopefully the people watching will realise that they are suggestions rather than scientific proof for the most part. It is more clusters of those sorts of signs that are useful rather than isolated gestures. Another thing I hope people realise is to not let it affect their interactions by becoming obsessed with trying to spot lies using those methods. It’s a useful video though so thanks for posting that.

I love the quote you’ve posted too… so true!

Thanks for sharing Elena and have a wonderful weekend,

Sam

I want to hear about your party trick one of these days. There’s also a YouTube video that talks about how to detect a lie. Here is the link if you’re interested. a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tW8KYtvAsrw&feature=player_embedded”>You
Tube

I am hoping to see The Invention of Lying and I love your quote by Abe Lincoln. My favorite quote is by the writer Mark Twain “When you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

I’ve resisted writing about this previously (for reasons I will explain in a moment) but I actually do know some very reliable techniques for knowing if someone is lying or not. They basically revolve around being able to recognise human micro-expressions as well as things such as eye-accessing cues (research has proven that eyes fluctuate in certain directions when accessing different parts of the brain). These aren’t something I set out to learn but after years of studying social psychology they are something I have developed a skill for recognising. I actually used to have a ‘party trick’ where I would do a short human lie-detector test on people for entertainment value.

Aside from the fact that it takes years to perfect these skills, the reason I don’t particularly advocate these methods as something to specifically learn is that outwardly feeling the need to know when your partner is lying is a product of insecurity. As you say, if you trust your partner then you don’t have to worry… and if you don’t trust your partner then there are more important things to worry about regarding the relationship.

Thanks for your comment,

Sam