Lying in a relationship
Humans are social creatures and as a side effect we have developed several hard-wired survival techniques. The ability to lie is one of those, although that is not to say that it is the best technique to succeed in modern society, let alone relationships!
I was recently interviewed by an online publication on ‘the benefits of lying in relationships’ (a loaded title if ever there was one) but it did get me thinking intently about why couples really lie to each other. The truth is that however honest a couple say they are there is always going to be one or two things that can be construed as dishonest by the other person. The question is where do trivial lies cross over into damaging lies?
This article will explain the different types of lying, the reasons why people lie in relationships and then discuss some pressing consequences surrounding these… 
The different types of lying:
There are three main types of lie, each varying in intensity, and what is right and wrong for you will largely be based on your own moral upbringing and development.
The three main types of lie in a relationship are:
Complicit lies:
These are the big lies; the lies that will probably end the relationship if they are uncovered. The most common lies in this category are either regarding secrets from the past or regarding one partner cheating on the other. It is generally a combination of having pruned the lies for too long and not wanting to hurt a partner’s feelings that intensifies complicit lies.
If you’re worried that you are sometimes compelled to tell these sorts of lies, or that you may be a victim of them, then the article I wrote titled ‘Cheating on a partner does not matter’ is worth reading. If a monogamous relationship is not for you then there are specific ways to frame a relationship so that both people are still happy and there will be no need for lies or cover-ups.
Pathological lies:
These are often referred to as incessant, compulsive or unnecessary lies, or lies that have become ingrained in someone’s character. The problem with lies on this level is that pathological liars often truly believe that what they are doing or saying is right, regardless of their partner’s feelings.
Changing the habit of lying, whether it is your problem or your partner’s problem is not something that can be done overnight. Long-term compassion and a mutual understanding that you won’t react irrationally to honesty is the only way to change these sorts of lies. That is why people LEARN to lie after all: when the outcome of lying is less painful and less effort than telling the truth!
Social lies:
Social lies are the everyday small lies, or ‘white lies’. They are the grey area of lying in a relationship and the only way to not have problems with them is to have a verbal understanding with your partner over what is acceptable and what is not. Second to that is to never feel disrespected or aggrieved by these small things… They are usually unintentional and trivial!
People argue that these sorts of lies can actually be done for ‘the greater good’ such as making your partner feel good or perhaps even organising a surprise for them. Once again this comes down to each couple’s own understanding with each other’s morals.
Having said that, I don’t think I have ever heard a genuine, acceptable answer to the question, “does my bum look big in this?” if you think that it does…
The reasons for lying in a relationship:
During childhood, parenting psychologists have noted several key stages where our conscience develops and we start to make our own judgements on when and how to lie. Lying in a relationship will reflect this conscience, therefore how much someone lies in a relationship and how much they lie outside the relationship is roughly equal.
In a relationship there are two main reasons for lying and they involve protecting your own ego and protecting the ego of your partner. There are also instances where both can be simultaneous reasons.
I know I advocate ‘being in the moment’ when interacting with your girlfriend or boyfriend but when it comes to justifying lies, you have to think of the bigger picture. Aside from the fact that you will have to live out your lies for the duration of the relationship, there is always a better solution that will allow you to have integrity and still have the desired outcome… Being honest is the only way your relationship will become truly fulfilling!
Lying is basically a way for the ego to have control over a situation without having to make the effort to get a desired outcome in a wholly fulfilling way. If you can eliminate all of your personal insecurities then you will never feel the need to lie and if you work on controlling your ego and developing your self-confidence you will always find a respectful way to get what you want.
As an additional thought, I am going to finish this article with one of my favourite quotes by Abraham Lincoln: “No person has a good enough memory to be a successful liar!”
Much love,
Sam
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Nice article. Well written and thought provoaking. I have always struggled to comprihend why people would be in a relationship if they feel the need to lie about big things like cheating. Why even bother kidding yourself about the relationship[. Thats just got me thinking though is cheating lying if no one actually lies hmm? as in if you dont know it doesnt matter. What do you think about that?
Hey Cindy,
I’ve written about it before but lying and cheating both stem from a feeling of inadequacy in some form. Deep down a cheater feels that they want more from a relationship but in the way they have setup their relationship (monogamous relationships are the default in modern society) they know that having other lovers will not be accepted… Therefore lying is the way to rationalise the behaviour and not risk being left with nobody.
Technically it wouldn’t be lying (and that is often a method I see guys use to justify forms of cheating) but it doesn’t change the fact that cheating is a symptom of other problems in a relationship (or how you perceive yourself in relationships) regardless of how you frame or justify it. I’ve explained this concept more fully in the article ‘Cheating on a partner does not matter’.
At the end of the day, lying and cheating are both wrong because they imply your partner’s ignorance to the situation. The actual context of what ‘lying’ or ‘cheating’ actually is differs depending on each relationship’s unique boundaries.
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
Hi Sam
Sorry I haven’t commented here for so long but I have still been reading. This article is something that struck a cord with me as I dated a pathological liar in the past (I was actually engaged to him at the time so I got out just in time you could say). Luckily my partner now is very understanding and we have outwardly said to each other that we will tell each other about every little thing however insignificant it may seem at the time.
It is easy to become blind to a loved ones dishonesty and unfaithfulness because you natural want to trust them. I think it is always obvious in hindsight though so I guess the only option is to be more aware of what is happening in your relationship.
All the best and thankyou for your topics
Jen
Hey Jen, welcome back to the comments section… You’ve been missed!
I’ve never dated a pathological liar myself but I know it can be a very unnerving and manipulative experience. It’s great that your relationship now is so honest and caring.
The last part of your comment is spot on. It is usually naivety that prevents someone from admitting that they are being cheated on rather than their partner going out of their way to lie. This usually leads the cheating partner to believe that they can ‘get away with it’, which also consequently leads to their undoing. Being more aware, conscious and open with your partner is a way to know if your partner is being dishonest, but more importantly so they don’t feel the need to be dishonest in the first place.
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
Not sure if this is totally related but I saw the trailer for a new film by Ricky Gervais the other day called “the invention of lying”. Basically a world where no one knows how to lie and everyone tells the truth. Then Ricky Gervais’s character comes along and discovers that he can lie to get his own way. Looks way funny and thought it might be related.
http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/theinventionoflying/
Hello,
Yes I saw the trailer recently and as a massive Ricky Gervais fan I am looking forward to this movie. From the look of it there does seem to be a heavy focus on relationships (between Ricky Gervais and Jennifer Garner it seems) so there might be relevant things to learn in there. I can also imagine there being a moral storyline behind the comedy so I’ll definitely go and see it when it is released.
As a bonus accompaniment to your link, here’s a funny review of the film by Karl Pilkington (Ricky Gervais’ hilarious sidekick here in England):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqt8rWDGIfo
Thanks for the recommendation,
Sam
Yo!
I like this post – you always seem to get me thinking!
Was wondering if you know of any techniques to know when your girlfriend is lying? It’s not that I don’t trust my women but it would still eb useful to know! J
Hey Jon, thanks a lot!
I’ve resisted writing about this previously (for reasons I will explain in a moment) but I actually do know some very reliable techniques for knowing if someone is lying or not. They basically revolve around being able to recognise human micro-expressions as well as things such as eye-accessing cues (research has proven that eyes fluctuate in certain directions when accessing different parts of the brain). These aren’t something I set out to learn but after years of studying social psychology they are something I have developed a skill for recognising. I actually used to have a ‘party trick’ where I would do a short human lie-detector test on people for entertainment value.
Aside from the fact that it takes years to perfect these skills, the reason I don’t particularly advocate these methods as something to specifically learn is that outwardly feeling the need to know when your partner is lying is a product of insecurity. As you say, if you trust your partner then you don’t have to worry… and if you don’t trust your partner then there are more important things to worry about regarding the relationship.
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
Sam, this provided great insight on lying. No one tells the truth 100% of the time, and I like that this shows that all lies are not necessarily bad, like what you had said about social lies. I also believe that much of what a person does when presented with the choice does stem from patterns from their childhood. I think there is such a strong reaction to finding out someone has lied to you, because it shows that person is doing so from a place of fear or lack of trust. I couldn’t agree with you more about protecting the ego. Nine times out of ten, the ego being protected is the person who is doing the lying.
I want to hear about your party trick one of these days. There’s also a YouTube video that talks about how to detect a lie. Here is the link if you’re interested. a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tW8KYtvAsrw&feature=player_embedded”>You
Tube
I am hoping to see The Invention of Lying and I love your quote by Abe Lincoln. My favorite quote is by the writer Mark Twain “When you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
Correct Link for YouTube
Hi Elena, hope you’re well!
I agree with everything you’ve added, such as lying usually being generic patterns learnt during childhood and that fear and lack of trust are partly to blame. That’s not to say that these feelings and patterns can’t be changed though as long as there is self-awareness.
Thanks a lot for linking to that video; it highlights some great basic techniques to this sort of thing. Hopefully the people watching will realise that they are suggestions rather than scientific proof for the most part. It is more clusters of those sorts of signs that are useful rather than isolated gestures. Another thing I hope people realise is to not let it affect their interactions by becoming obsessed with trying to spot lies using those methods. It’s a useful video though so thanks for posting that.
I love the quote you’ve posted too… so true!
Thanks for sharing Elena and have a wonderful weekend,
Sam
Hey There I recently had a big blow out with my girlfriend and her talking to her ex partner and lying about it. I pretty much thought the relationship was over and we haven’t spoke in a week. She finally called me and poured her heart out about how she was wrong, and so sorry and will never do it again etc etc. My question is I still love her and really care about her so much. How can I continue a relationship with her without thinking everything she is telling me could be a potential lie? She told me it would never happen again and things would be different. So I am willing to forget about her lying etc and move forward with our relationship but whats to say everytime she tells me something I dont question it now? Any help on how I can overcome this would be soo helpful thanks!
Hi Jeff,
There’s every chance that the trauma of the situation has had a positive effect on your girlfriend’s attitude and she is being wholly sincere now. If you do get back together though, you do want to cement ground rules about what is and what is not acceptable in your relationship. This isn’t in a domineering way and in fact it should be as mutual as possible (you should find a common ground on what is and what is not acceptable for both of you). You want to convey as empathetically as possible that you will not have your trust abused again and that you will leave if it is.
Having said that, once that has been settled and if you are together again, you really have to give her a clean slate by whatever means possible. Second to this, you want to resist ever bringing up the fact that she lied to you in the past… as that will only lead to further arguments, resentment and trust issues!
Good luck,
Sam