The best job for becoming more sociable
Whether you are single, in a monogamous relationship or anywhere in between, the foundation to having a successful and happy dating life or relationship is in learning how to communicate with other people effectively, which is the essence of being ‘sociable’.
When I was in my early teens I always thought that you were either born with great social skills or you had to make do without. There were kids in school who seemed to make no effort to have swarms of friends and be the life of all social functions. The truth is that being sociable is a learnt skill and no matter how extroverted you were taught to be when growing up, everyone can practice being more sociable. Being able to have positive interactions with all the people you meet will certainly enrich many aspects of your life.
In order to become more outgoing in general, it’s all very well being told, “just get out there and force yourself to be”. Unfortunately humans aren’t always the best at forcing themselves to break habits and do new things. A far more balmy method to become more sociable is to put yourself in a situation where you are forced to interact with other people by default… 
The best job for becoming more sociable:
Towards the end of last year I spent a few months moonlighting as a barman: partly for the extra pocket-money, partly for the extra structure and motivation outside of my normal work, but mainly as I have always wanted to delve into the social experiment that the job entails.
It still boggles my mind how high up the social hierarchy the barman is in the bar dynamic by default. On paper, there isn’t a great deal to be desired: the pay isn’t great and you are basically everyone’s servant for the evening. The reason for the unwitting social status though (and why when I was working I had constant attention from both men and women regardless of if they wanted beverages at the time) is because of the underlying social power that comes with the job, as long as you carry it correctly. On a basic level, in that situation, the barman is the centre of attention, is offering value to everyone else (in the form of service) and generally holds a fair amount of authority in the room.
Making friends:
Working as a barman is a great way to make a bunch of cool friends immediately. If you pick your venue wisely and end up in a trendy and uncrowded venue like I was, you will most likely have a small group of young and friendly colleagues who directly leapfrog in to your new social circle.
Starting conversations with patrons is also easy as long as you are friendly and interesting. This is the same for starting conversations with strangers in general but without the underlying message that you are trying to GET anything from them. One of the biggest hurdles to overcome when approaching a stranger without any preapproved value is to convey that you don’t need their affection until you’ve earned it: that the interaction is clearly mutual!
Back with the barman/customer roles, you don’t have any of those contingencies to deal with immediately, so you can concentrate on making friends and attracting people with no agenda.
Learning social dynamics:
The key to becoming superior in social interactions is to really understand the underlying communications that occur: the subtle reactions people give off with body-language for example.
One of my favourite pastimes when I was relaxing in a bar (that I still enjoy doing occasionally now) was to simply observe the people around me and see how people would interact with each other. Whilst working in a bar you can’t help but indulge in a similar activity.
You have an outstanding viewpoint of the dynamic of the bar and it is easy to spot who the most successful people are in the venue as you scan around over the course of the evening. Notably, these are often the guys and girls who make an effort to spark up a short conversation themselves when ordering drinks. These are the people with a certain degree of inner confidence established and who enjoy unselfishly giving value to everyone they meet. It doesn’t take much to say “Hey, how are you doing?” and then a small open-ended comment and this technique works in most situations in life.
Advanced observations:
Before starting my short stint working as a barman I had already developed my social skills to a level I was happy with (I had been working as a dating coach for two years prior after all). However, I did have some enlightening observations along the way that you wouldn’t necessarily get without being in a neutral position such as a barman.
Most of these observations revolved around male and female flirting or more specifically how bad men are in general at spotting female communication cues and how women put intuitive trust in those cues being successful in attracting men. I intend to write a concise article on how to flirt and attract effectively in the near future so I won’t go into it right now. Working as a barman in a popular venue though, you will quickly learn a lot about how to attract members of the opposite sex simply by observing the people around you who are successful at it!
There are loads of jobs that will push you outside your comfort zone and make you strive to become more sociable (sales is another one, which admittedly I don’t have much personal experience with). However, if going out to social gatherings and making friends from scratch, or if improving your social demeanour in everyday life and business situations seems intimidating, then working as a barman (or finding a similar scenario where you are forced to be gregarious) is a great way to initiate the process.
Much love,
Sam
PS: You may have noticed a new subheading underneath the website’s title announcing updates every Tuesday. I constantly get e-mails asking me when I will next be updating Sparklife.info, which is what inspired this new schedule. The schedule may change in the future and there may occasionally be an extra update or two at other times in the week but at the very least I will upload a unique and thorough article every Tuesday… so mark your diaries if you have one!
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Hi. Sorry if you mean me with the emails. Thought i wasnt getting the subscription updates in my email.
I enjoyed this article and would like to try that out. I need a job anway lol. Problem is that I am only 19 and although my mate says you dont have to be 21 to work in a bar it will be really hard for me to find a cool place. do you have any other suggestions?
I liked the begining of this update. the bit about social skills being something you learn rather than are born with. I know I,m young but it is frustrating sometimes.
Glad youve got updates planned.
Paul
HI Paul,
There are so many ways to improve your social skills, I am a Matchmaker and dating expert in Vancouver BC Canada, but the issue is still the same no matter where you live. People have either forgotten or never learned to socialize. I agree about the baby steps, you have to start small.
I always instruct my followers-clients to start by smiling at a minimum of 3 people a day and hold that smile for 3 seconds, as well as their eye contact. Start small, as it can be really hard to smile at someone that you find really hot right away. Smile at anyone, a mom, a child, just practise. Make sure and practise smiling at strangers every day and eventually work up to smiling at someone that you might be realy interested in. But remember not to put any expectations on it. Some people may smile back, some may not, don`t be hurt if they don`t. They may have something on their mind or may not even see you smiling.
What is the worst that can happen, maybe you can start a trend or make their day, maybe they will smile back or even talk to you. It`s like putting out the welcome mat, but just because you put it out does not mean it will be received. Practise, practise, practise, eventually you will find it so easy and so comfortable that you will find yourself doing it all the time. How terrible would that be, if you were just spreading smiles al over town.
Life is short, grab ahold of it, it can all start with a smile. Besides everyone looks wonderful when they are smiling it`s contagious! Be the first to start a trend in your neighbourhood. I would love to hear how it works for you. Have fun and remember one baby step or smile at a time.
Sheree
http://www.vancouverdating.match-works.com
Hey Paul,
The age limit to work in a bar here in England is generally 18; I’m not sure about elsewhere. Either way, what I could have emphasised more in the article is that barwork is just one idea of putting yourself in social situations. Joining clubs and including yourself in as many different activities that you can will do much the same thing for you. If it’s specifically a sociable job that you want then try and think of jobs where you will be interacting with other people often (be it colleagues or customers).
I also used to get frustrated when people would say to me “you’re only young, don’t worry about things yet”… In fact I still get it now from some people! The fact is that it doesn’t matter what age you are… if you want to change habits or start doing something specific then it’s always best to start doing what you can as soon as possible!
Oh and I wasn’t referring to anyone specifically when mentioning the e-mails. There have been quite a lot of people e-mailing me about updates but I actually appreciate it… It means I now have a better idea of who my avid readers are
and how often you would like, or expect updates!
Thanks for your comment,
Sam
That’s some good advice from Sheree. We must be on a similar wavelength because I also mention this method of baby steps in the popular article ‘Tips for approaching men or women in everyday life’.
As great as that method is for starting to become more comfortable approaching people you would like to meet, this article was specifically about putting yourself in situations where you don’t even have to do the often dreaded approach for now.
As Sheree says though, an enthusiastic and genuine smile is extremely contagious and is also one of the best ways of getting people to warm to you instantly. I think I wrote about this topic too in one of my earlier posts… I don’t have the link to hand but if you use the search box on the right side-panel and search for ‘smile’ it should come up!
Thanks for sharing your wisdom Sheree!
Sam
Hi Sam,
I only skimmed over this article yesterday but I’m glad I reread today. I’m not sure you should have had so much emphasis on being a bar man as the underlying points you make are actually very good and bar work is not for everyone. In fact thinking through, all the jobs that deal with the public I have done throughout my life I have learnt a great deal of social skills from.
Like I said though, the main points you make in this article are great even if they weren’t obvious to me at first.
Regards,
David
Hey David,
Yes I quite agree… There are lots of instances where you can get the same effect as the ones I was describing in this article. The reason I predominantly used the barman example was purely because I have recent, personal experience of it and do think it achieves the right balance of having to talk to people and wanting to talk to people.
I agree that lots of jobs build confidence, which is a key component to being more sociable. I think the difference with a job or activity such as barwork though is how informal the relationship with the customer can be… ie: you can talk to them like a friend or acquaintance rather than having to act overly professional or businesslike.
Thanks for your comment… Hopefully everyone else will be able to pick through the bits they liked like you did.
Sam
Nice post. Would go through them all if I had time!
Done barwork before but didn’t really make the most of it, twas a cool bar aswell. Were there specific things you did to attract women when you were a barman?
Cheers,
-Danny
Hey Danny,
To be honest, the things I did whilst working behind the bar weren’t drastically different to how I would attract women in real life. I was still playful, funny and interesting, doing things such as playing games across the bar and making personal observations etc (of course I’m in a fulfilling relationship now so I wasn’t doing these things for personal gain; they are simply things I now do naturally after years of practice).
The difference between attracting women in this situation though is due to the predefined setup… I wasn’t a random guy approaching her out of nowhere so there were never any initial barriers to overcome… You can almost jump straight into whatever you want, like you would if you knew them already. The safest and most congruent way in the beginning though is to treat everyone like a friend, using friendly, neutral rapport techniques.
Another great attraction switch in the bar is constantly being busy and having to walk away (but she still knows where you are). This is something not so easily achieved in other situations.
As with most advice related to attracting women, don’t worry too much or try too hard… Simply enjoy learning how to have engaging conversations with women and if you are working behind the bar, you also don’t have to worry about any agenda surrounding the interactions.
Hope that helps,
Sam
I think that getting a job is great advice. I’ve always said it’s harder to knock on the door than it is to open it. Working a job in a social environment forces a shy person to interact with people that they normally would be too timid to approach. I’m glad to hear you have a set schedule with posts. It’s very hard to stay consistent on posting when life happens. Look forward to hearing what you have to say next month.
Hi Elena,
I like that door analogy… I haven’t heard that one before!
Yes, the schedule has definitely helped me with being more organised. I actually feel I could write more frequently but I will keep it at once a week for now to compensate for when I have particularly busy weeks and also so the quality doesn’t drop!
Thanks for your comment Elena… I look forward to hearing from you again!
Sam