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Getting your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more sexually expressive

Do you have sexual fantasies that you keep to yourself?

Is there a sexual fantasy you have that you really want your girlfriend or boyfriend to try but don’t know how to approach it?

Starting a new sexual relationship is one of the most exciting and exhilarating times but it doesn’t take long for sex with the same person to become monotonous. From the people willing to divulge aspects of their sex-lives it seems it is all too common for relationships that have surpassed the one-year mark (especially ones that have gone far beyond that) to have a sex-life that consists of a predetermined routine, devoid of all the passion, excitement and discovery of the initial period.

This article will talk about ways to get your girlfriend or boyfriend more sexually expressive as well as get them more interested in trying new things in the bedroom (or anywhere else you might have sex)… :)

Sexual Polarity:

Sexual polarity is something that David Deida as well as many other ‘sexperts’ talk about, whereby true sexual fulfilment for a couple requires both a masculine and a feminine counterpart. In more relevant language this means that for ongoing sexual attraction and passion in a relationship, there needs to be one person who is more sexually dominant and one person who plays a more submissive role during sex.

The beauty is that these roles don’t have to be set in stone, they just have to exist. One day it could be the man playing the more dominant role with the female playing a more submissive role. The next day it could be the complete reverse, with the woman playing the more dominant role whilst the man plays a more submissive role.

It surprised me to learn that homosexual relationships also comply with this theory. One of my gay friends at University once decided to indulge our social group with a complete breakdown of the dynamics of a gay sexual relationship. He went on to explain how they also generally have a dominant and a submissive setup, despite the clashing genders.

The time when a sexual relationship becomes monotonous is when this polarity does not exist or is neutral. When this happens you end up with sex that is repetitive and unfulfilling: same night of the week, same positions, same location… Absolutely no spontaneity or evolvement!

So how do you turn things around if you see your relationship heading this way?…

Talk openly to your partner:

A lot of couples, especially early on when the problems this article is addressing start to develop, find talking openly about sexual topics rather taboo or inappropriate, even privately with the person they are intimate with.

My friends and I used to have an interesting conversation piece revolving around how women are often terrible at giving oral sex because they never get bad feedback, mainly because a man would rather receive bad blowjobs than no blowjobs at all. :) How can you expect your partner to fully satisfy you and be fully sexually expressive if you never tell them what you like and what you dislike!

Learn to talk to your partner about sexual topics without any embarrassment, both during sexual intercourse and during private conversation to find out exactly how you can both improve. Don’t be afraid to ask lots of questions, try variations and ask for feedback to test certain things.

Utilise your imaginations to discover new things:

One of the most underestimated techniques in bringing out a more sexual side in your partner is helping them use their imagination to positively associate themselves as sexual beings. There are several specific techniques for making new sexual experiences seem real and arousing for your partner: ‘phone sex’ or ‘dirty texts’ are two ways that you can achieve this. A smooth and respectful escalation is imperative in doing these things though. For example, don’t start out with anything too explicit and make sure the other person is always enjoying the escalating visualisations.

Slowly introducing new techniques or fantasies in small parts into your sex-life is by far the best way to warm them to new ideas and make everyone comfortable, even if you have spoken about them before.

Educate your partner:

There are so many misinformed notions surrounding certain sexual practices and sex-education in schools (at least over here in England) does little more than cover the basics of procreation and safe-sex, sometimes even estranging any more modern sexual practices.

Porn is another resource that can actually hinder rather than help a couple’s sexual development as it is made to create a fast impact on a visual audience rather than educate anyone.

The best way to turn around your partner’s negative views towards certain sexual practices is to give them a resource from authority that covers every angle, answers questions and lets them know that you are also fully informed and not wanting to experiment for self-gratifying reasons alone.

If you want some specific recommendations of products for a particular sexual practice then e-mail me at sam@sparklife.info and chances are that I have the perfect product to recommend for you. :)

Never force something on your partner:

Finally, you should never force something on to your partner until they are completely ready and comfortable with being more sexually expressive. The length of time for them to reach that certain level of openness will depend largely on how sheltered their upbringing was regarding sexual topics as well as their own personal experiences with sex.

The worst way by far to try something new is to force, plea or compromise your partner into trying it. If they have verbally agreed but are still not at the correct level of compliance physically, then they will still resist the act, which will severely harm both your enjoyment.

Please let me know what you think of the introduction of more sexual-orientated articles like this to the website, as well as any thoughts and experiences you have on the above topic. :)

Much love,

Sam

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13 Responses to “Getting your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more sexually expressive”

  1. Wow Sam! Sex! Readership will be going up. I think everything you say is valid, especially about talking over sexual preferences. I used to find it difficult to express my needs to a partner while we were in the act. I’ve gotten over that now-but for me it required having a firm (teehee) foundation with my partner. Talking together and sharing likes and dislikes can turn into foreplay! The key, as I see it, is not to criticize but offer suggestions of new things so that the conversation is positive.

    So, you going into the sex business now?
    I might suggest http://www.sexuality.org as an informative website. Note that it’s pretty explicit but done from an educational point of view.

    • Hiya,

      I’m glad you like the new angle! It’s not all going to be sex, sex, sex from now on at all but I do have quite a few gems to throw in every now and again, so keep your eyes peeled! :)

      Great points about keeping things positive… I agree that rather than say they are doing something ‘wrong’, one should say say something like, “I love it when you do it like this” and compliment and encourage when they do.

      You’re right about it being best to have a firm foundation with your partner before really trying all these things too… Most people are apprehensive enough during their first few times with someone new as it is, without feeling overly self-conscious about their performance as well! :)

      Thanks for the link recommendation… That’s the exact style of information I was talking about. Do you know if the articles are all written by the same person? Some articles do seem to be much more in-depth or ‘from experience’ than others. I will definitely browse through them all though to see what new things I can pick up. :)

      Thanks for your comment,
      Sam

  2. Jill Jones says:

    Ooo yes, love the sexualization, no one should ever stop improving in that department. : )
    I agree with all you have written here. I esspecially liked the part about sex polarity, I have never heard about that stuff before.
    I definitely hold my hands up as someone who doesnt let my likes and dislikes be known enough with sex, kinda expecting my man to know what he’s doing and be the dominant one as you say. Something I will try and change I promise. Do you actually have discussions during sex though. What sort of things do you mean exactly? Its probably because its something I have never done or known people to do that I cannot relate.
    Ooo and more articles like this get my vote, although I might have to stop using my real name incase my other half checks in ; )
    Jill

    • Hi Jill,

      Yes you’re right… Anyone who thinks they are already the best lover they can be probably has a lot to learn! :)

      I have some great research books on topics surrounding sexual polarity that I don’t know the titles of off the top of my head but e-mail me if you would like to know them.

      That’s great, I would definitely recommend being more proactive in letting your partner know how to pleasure you fully. A lot of men don’t actually know they are lousy lovers, thinking that if they themselves are enjoying it, then surely their woman is too. Take this as my public service announcement for women to MAKE their men great lovers, rather than expect them to be naturally! :)

      As for my references to talking about sexual topics with your partner: obviously keep any in-depth or detailed discussions for other times. Actually during sex I was more referring to saying things such as, “how do you like [x]” or “would you like me to try [y]”. This can be expanded into ‘dirty talk’, which is a HUGELY underrated activity. People don’t realise how much they enjoy dirty talk until they experience it first hand. :)

      Thanks for your comment Jill and I’m glad you like the addition of some more sexual articles…

      Sam

  3. christy says:

    Way to open up a great topic, Sam:) I’m definitely a fan of you adding more sexual articles. So, this might not be completely related, but I was watching Family Fued today… a game show where the contestants try to guess the most common answers to a certain question. And today one of the questions was ‘What thing do most women hate doing but do anyway?’ and the third most common answer was having sex (after housekeeping and shaving their legs)! Isn’t that crazy??! I fully believe that life is what you make it, and correspondingly, that your sex life is what you make it:) And in order to avoid that boring sex and faking those orgasms, you’re going to have to actively participate in your own sex life and express what makes you feel good.

    • Bonjour Christy,

      I assume ‘Family Feud’ is an American show… It sounds a lot like ‘Family Fortunes’ with the legendary Les Dennis… although with more interesting questions it seems… We have questions like “things found in a park”… Scandalous!! :)

      That is really eye-opening though… Housework and shaving legs I can understand (thankyou ladies for doing both of those by the way, on behalf of all men :) ) but sex certainly shouldn’t be up there! You’re right, couples should definitely take matters into their own hands and discover new ways to sexual fulfilment if they’re not enjoying sex even slightly.

      Thanks for your comment and support,

      Sam x

      Oh and I have the awesome book on your website link… I’m on the cusp of deciding to buy one of those ‘I love female orgasm’ t-shirts too!! :)

  4. Jon says:

    It seems mostly women replying so I thought I would chuck in a male perspective. 8)
    I think there should be a way to tell if a woman has had an orgasm or not (a pleasureometer or something). To be honest the fake orgasm scares the hell outta me and trust me, you dont wanna ask a girl “did you have an orgasm”. It doesnt go down well.
    Your article was cool btw.

    • Hey Jon,

      Haha that’s a great idea… Let me know if you ever get a prototype up and running! :)

      Yes, I can imagine saying something like that would kill the passion a tad… It does become a lot easier to decipher orgasms (the difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms for example) with experience though (especially if it is with the same woman).

      Thanks for your comment (and invention) :)

      Sam

    • Jon says:

      If you want to fund my project your more than welcome mate. Together we could revolutionize the world ha.
      I dont wanna sound stupid but whats the difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms? All new to me unfortunately :s
      Jon

    • Hey Jon,

      It is something I intend to write about on this website in more detail at some point, depending on reader interest but basically, a clitoral orgasm is achieved through stimulation of the clitoris. This is generally the way most women teach themselves to orgasm when first experimenting with self-masturbation, which unfortunately conditions a lot of women to believe it is the only way they can reach orgasm.

      Vaginal orgasms on the other hand are generally achieved through stimulation of the female ‘g-spot’, which leads to things such as ‘full body orgasms’ and the widely misunderstood concept of ‘female ejaculation’.

      Like I said, I will probably dedicate articles of their own to these topics but e-mail me if you want any further knowledge on the matter in the meantime, to avoid going too off-topic here. :)

      Cheers,

      Sam

  5. chizy o says:

    Thanks for the kind of topics you’ve been treating so far. Ever since i started reading your articles,i have fund out the areas of my life in which i have to improve and I’ve started working on those areas now. I have gained allot from this topic cause i find it difficult to express my sexual desires and fillings with my partner.

    Please i will like you to go into detail about clitoral orgasm and vagina orgasms and how safe is female self-masturbation.

    thanks

    • Hello,

      Thank you for your kind words; I’m glad you find the articles useful! :)

      I’ve decided that my next few articles will cover some more of these topics so watch out for those. Female orgasms are a vast topic and I have plenty to write about on them.

      I’m not sure if you meant female ejaculation at the end of your post but female masturbation, like most sexual practices is most certainly safe if done correctly.

      Thanks for your feedback,

      Sam