I would say that to have “no ego” is a slightly misleading statement, at least in the eyes of a romantic partner. Whilst remaining calm and appearing indifferent to certain issues in a relationship does have its uses, there are emotional side-effects that will affect both attraction and connection in the long run.

For example, whilst being able to avoid arguments is definitely a useful and desirable trait, if it is not conducted in an empathetic or sincere way, it can quite easily make the other person feel like you don’t care. I always say to avoid the argument but don’t avoid the issue and this goes for a lot of things in a relationship.

As emotional investment in a relationship increases, it is natural to let your guard down somewhat and showing vulnerability isn’t necessarily a bad thing. What it does do though is modify how much ‘control’ you have in the relationship. Whilst there is nothing wrong with becoming more passionate, committed and devoted to a woman, it is always wise to keep the relationship in perspective. This includes things such as always striving to be an attractive man (confident, fun, emotive and dominant) and never sending conflicting messages. These can all be achieved without the influence of ego (letting any sense of self-righteousness dictate how you treat your partner).

An article I wrote that discusses some of those transitions from a mutual perspective is called ‘Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium’.

Whilst I am familiar with the terms co-dependence and limerence, I haven’t studied the psychological nuances of either one in depth. In changing any unwanted behaviour though, the first step is always awareness, so it is great that you have researched and understand what the possible causes for these relationship downfalls might be.

In summary, I wouldn’t say that it is your ego that is directly affecting your relationships but more some of the traits that coincide with how the ego is expressed, most of which you have highlighted yourself in your comment.

I hope this helps answer some of your questions and thanks for writing,

Sam

I am a solitary fellow most of the time and a rather non-emotional person. But with the onset of a relationship, as I begin to trust a person, I gradually lose the emotional fortitude I usually have in interpersonal affairs.
After a beautiful time during which I become completely devoted to the person, involved in the relationship to the exclusion of everything else, and completely vulnerable, at some point my relationships stop being mutual and go downhill. The other person inexplicably stops reciprocating my love, probably starts taking me for granted, or just becomes sick of me or something. I have learnt not to be ‘clingy’ and ‘possessive’, though it’s natural for me to be so.
I have NEVER had an argument with the other person. When differences arise, I defer to the other person’s opinion, apologize, take all the blame to myself, make compromises and try to fix things in the best way possible. Even if something seems wrong to me, I NEVER react. My being in love with a person precludes all possibility of a retaliation. But my relationships don’t last, and end with me being a complete emotional wreck. I don’t know where I go wrong.

I have read about ‘co-dependence’ and ‘limerence’ and these seem to explain me somewhat. I am not sure.

Does my Ego manifest itself in a different way than usual, or is there a certain minimum Ego required to maintain relationships?

It’s a good sign that the time has ‘flown by’… It means you must be enjoying it!

Thanks for reading,

Sam x

I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 and a half years now, I can’t believe it…that time has flown by!

Eva x

Thankyou very much,

Sam

PS: ‘Eggo Waffles’ look and sound disgusting!!! I can’t comment on taste until you send me a batch…

Chriddy

Yes I also know of people who are unnecessarily argumentative and feel the need to prove their point all the time. Unfortunately, once certain roles in a relationship have been established and accepted, it is a lot harder to change behaviours. Like I said in the article, as long as someone is feeding the ego of someone with those characteristics, they will continue to act in that way.

The ex-partner reference is something I am going to expand on in an upcoming article but you are right… Most people’s minds focus on the BAD aspects of a past relationship and completely disregard the many positive memories. I have nothing but praise for all my past girlfriends as they have all shaped the person I am today in one way or another, as well as having taught me many unique things about different relationships. In the same way that friendship with ex-partners won’t be actively avoided by an enlightened mind, forcing a friendship through feeling some sort of obligation carries the same effect. So what it really equates to is that to feel totally at ease, you don’t HAVE to be friends with all of your ex-partners (people move on and change like you say)… but you must not be enemies with them!

Thanks for your comment Jill,
Sam