The first thing you want to observe is tangible changes in your girlfriend’s behaviour that will prove she is being sincere rather than just taking her word for it. Her verbalising her intentions is a positive start though.

Secondly, depending on how and when she states “all you care about is yourself”, she is communicating in some way that her relationship needs are not being completely met. Are there times when you perhaps don’t show her enough attention or appreciation? Relationships are a two-way street and so by making sure her relationship needs and desires are being met, she will be more inclined to fulfil yours.

To prevent ever feeling you can be taken advantage of, you want to be assertive with the boundaries in your relationship. The article I have just written titled ‘Trust in a relationship’ may be worth reading to answer some of those questions, as without further details it is hard to get to the root of the problem.

Take care,

Sam

well i would really like your advice.
my girlfriend is always telling me all i care about is myself.
my girlfriend has screwed me over a few times but now she has made me believe she has changed and loves me but i dont know if i should believe her on other things. im afriad she will tak advantage of me. what do you think i should do?

You’re right that being selfless is important and that is what the final point “be loving” is meant to encompass.

Of course there is the common, philanthropic argument that there is technically no such thing as a ‘selfless act’ and that everything is either done to aid us in some way or to make us feel good about ourselves, or in this case our relationships!

I think the best word to describe the concept is to be empathetic. This is a concept I have started heavily incorporating into my social coaching and is extremely important in long-term relationships.

Empathy is the key behind social intelligence, which is the grounding behind all healthy relationships: understanding and relating to changes in emotions and communication. Showing empathy comes across as exceedingly selfless in itself.

I’m currently preparing an article series on this very topic so I hope you will stick around to read it when it is published as I know you’ll have some great input.

Thanks for commenting here,

Sam

the best way to realize if you are showing someone love is to, when you are angry with them, decide that their feelings are more important than yours and to then act on that concept. you know why? it’s a selfless act.

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I have been attracted to various men, probably chemically, and chosen to ignore the link I felt for them (during my continuing marriage). It’s called “propinquity” – which means that we are around them enough to think they are neat guys. They talk to us, we talk to them and have something in common. At that point we have to use our heads and recognize the attraction and perhaps not talk to them as much, and be sure we are not sending sexual signals with our body language or words. This would apply to the one who wants to be the friend.

Either way, Sam is right – it’s a tricky situation. A good friend or a good partner needs to be trustworthy. I’ve had both good friends and a good partner that continue over many years. Can you see both of those people as part of your life in the long run? Act accordingly.

That’s a tricky situation and one that is unlikely to have an idealistic outcome. You are either going to lose your best friend, or have to accept that you can’t be with this man. There are specific ways that you can achieve both of these outcomes but thinking of the bigger picture and making that decision first is the priority.

Start by reasoning exactly why you feel you love this man. Do you spend time alone with him or is it in the context of him dating your best friend that you see him? Men that are visibly unobtainable whilst being theoretically obtainable often create attraction this way by default. You will have to be more specific about the situation and how close you all are if you want specific advice but the simple answer comes down to the decision mentioned above.

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to ask if you want more specific advice concerning your situation.

Sam

Thanks for your comments; I appreciate your support and I’m glad you enjoy what I write.

Sam