Sometimes it actually helps to mentally disregard how long you have been together, for the simple reason that it will undoubtedly influence your true feelings at this present moment in time.

Some couples can be together for years and years and never feel deeply connected, whereas some couples feel deeply connected after only a few months. Emotional intimacy can also fluctuate over time, so there is not one definitive timescale for relationships; try not to think of four years as an investment period.

If your relationship is not how you want it to be then change is obviously advised, be it through verbal means, physical means or anything in between. As you are the one who seems most aware of the issues between the two of you, it will probably have to be you to instigate most of those changes for now. As such, patience is only relevant as long as you are still determined to make the relationship work. If you are waiting for your partner to instigate change instead then you may be waiting a while, depending entirely on his character.

I hope that helps clear up my answer,

Sam

Depending on how a couple meet and whether there is a difference in age, two people embarking on a relationship together may be in vastly different places in life. It can sometimes be difficult to synchronise those differences but most couples that are passionately committed to each other will be able to find ways to adjust and compromise. The key is to find a MUTUAL lifestyle that you both decidedly want.

It is easy to get wrapped up in idealistic views of where a relationship should be heading rather than how it is now. In most cases, the priority should be creating a deeper connection that will actually make your boyfriend WANT to prioritise the relationship more during times apart.

You mentioned that your boyfriend has trust issues and has acknowledged relationship naivety in the past. That is something you can help with over time, with practical reassurance rather than verbal persuasion.

If your boyfriend is not ready to move in together, any form of pressure is only going to cause tension within the relationship. If he does have commitment issues that are unrelated to his emotional investment in the relationship, then that goes back to my point about you perhaps having to take up a more leading and reassuring role to progress the relationship further.

Like I said, this all depends on what you prioritise in the relationship. You state that when you are together everything is perfect. As such, being together and in that positive state is the perfect time to lovingly discuss some of these issues. Such a discussion should not be about specific details (such as moving in together) but more about ways you can feel even closer; something that will inevitably lead towards acts such as moving in together.

I hope everything works out for you,

Sam

The nature of your boyfriend’s work will be the determining factor in why your relationship setup is as it is. For example, is your boyfriend’s work a passion of his leading towards future goals and ambitions, or does he seem unhappy and distant during the week? The fact that you say you have a great time at the weekends and are a happy couple suggests that it is nothing personal or vindictive and merely a blip in communication.

A David Deida quote that may relate to your situation is, “because a man’s priority is his mission, he will always gravitate to a woman whom he feels will most support his mission.”

Talk to your boyfriend about the way things are and most importantly find out why they are like that and what you can both do to be completely happy and fulfilled and alleviate any confusion.

This doesn’t have to be a deeply emotional discussion. You can simply let him know that you love to hear from him during the week too but be careful not to become disruptive of his own lifestyle choices whilst they don’t directly affect yours. A lot of happy couples don’t get to spend a great deal of quality time together but it is about cherishing the times that you can spend together and avoiding taking the relationship for granted the rest of the time.

Thanks for commenting,

Sam

I agree, happiness is often hard to quantify and getting logical about a relationship such as making a list of pros and cons doesn’t really help at the time. It is often brought about by not being wholly happy in the first place and will only aid in heightening the confusion! All relationships come with their fair share of strain and placid moments but what I was getting at is that personal happiness for a relationship should FAR exceed any negative feelings, on an emotional level not a logical one.

As I’ve said before, breakups often make couples realise how important they actually are to each other. The only hard part is to make sure getting back together is sincere and not simply to avert the feeling of loss.

Thanks for writing… You sound very wise and I hope you write again in the future.

Sam x