The ONLY reason you should stay in a relationship
Are you COMPLETELY satisfied with your current relationship?
The more couples I come across, either through work or simply through a growing interest in the mechanics and details of a healthy relationship, the more people I see who are simply not content in theirs.
I don’t believe it can ever truly be a one-way issue either. Even when there is an obvious dominant person in the relationship, to have an unresponsive or lacklustre partner is equally dissatisfying.
These observations were further brought to my attention recently on a forum that I occasional visit. Someone posted the following sarcastic yet poignant mantra entitled ‘My girlfriend’… It is the last line that really makes me empathise with this person:
“I love how she rarely wants sex.
I love how she never does any housework.
I love how she nitpicks at harmless things I do.
I love how she is gaining weight.
I love how at age 22 I feel like a middle-aged married man.
I love how I feel I can’t leave her.”
For this article, I am going to list a couple of reasons as to why someone might stay in a relationship, even if they know it is not wholly right for them, before revealing the ONLY reason you should stay in a relationship… 
Self-validation:
It is pretty validating to know that there is someone who is devoted solely to you. For someone of moderate or low self-esteem, being openly single can be like admitting you are not good enough for anyone. Whilst in a relationship, this thought can never be justified.
If you honestly don’t think you are ‘good enough’ for anyone, then no romantic partner is really going to change that. Your sense of self-worth and self-esteem should never be derived from another person.
Peer approval:
Another reason why some people will always make sure they are in a relationship is due to wanting the respect of their peers and society in general. Even back in my school days, it was always the ‘cool kids’ who were in relationships.
Obviously at a young age, relationships are rather trivial but I remember myself dating one girl in particular called Hannah (we were only 12 years old, how cute) simply because I thought it would make me look cool… I don’t think we ever even spent any time together; we merely enjoyed the status of having a boyfriend or girlfriend.
In adulthood, relationships aren’t so infantile but still a good question to ask yourself is, “would I date this person regardless of what anyone else thought?” It’s a good question to ask yourself, whether you are in a relationship with said person, or wanting to be.
Extra resources:
There are lots of external benefits to being in a relationship, namely the addition of greater financial flexibility. Further down the line this becomes even more significant. When a couple decide to live together, a double income really comes in handy for general living expenses.
I know a lot of people put great importance on materialistic elements of their lives but anyone who has experienced any form of enlightened state, knows how internal happiness triumphs over any external resources.
Regular sex:
The prospect of an unknown bout of celibacy is daunting to anyone who has been in a relationship for a while, especially if they have let their social life slip whilst doing so.
That is one of the reasons why I advocate maintaining a healthy social life whilst in a relationship. Not only does it keep your personality attractive but also, if you become single again, you can quickly pick yourself up and start meeting new people immediately.
Scared of being single and lonely:
An extension from not wanting to lead a sexless life is just generally not having a soul-mate or companion there whenever you desire. Most would agree that the emotional loss of a breakup is probably more emphatic than the physical loss and so a lot of people avoid that situation completely regarding breaking up, even if deep down they know they want to.
Being single is great for the people who know how to embrace it. There are so many new people to meet every day (either romantically or socially) that feeling lonely is purely a self-inflicted curse that can easily be turned around.
Too much investment to just throw away:
If you’ve been in a relationship for several years, it is quite difficult to simply walk away from it, even if you know it is the right thing to do. The thought of having to start all over again and spend at least another couple of years getting to the same stage with someone new is a rather intimidating one.
What you have to realise is that the longer you stay in a crestfallen relationship, the longer you are postponing finding the person you are really meant to be with. Whether you have been with your partner for four weeks or four years, the only time that matters is NOW, so make sure your decisions are not ones influenced by past feelings but ones influenced by current feelings.
It should be quite obvious by now what the only reason to stay in a relationship is…
The ONLY reason to stay in a relationship:
The only reason you should stay in a relationship is if it is actively making you happy!!
As the old saying goes, ‘life is too short’ and this definitely applies to relationships. If a relationship is not actively making you happy and you know that you are in it due to one of the reasons listed above or any similar reason, then find the courage within yourself to do something about it.
A thorough analysis of your current feelings towards the relationship should only be done whilst in a calm and contemplative mood. It is easy to defiantly arrogate a breakup during a raging argument and later regret it and that is something I recommend avoiding.
In the case of my own relationship, I don’t explicitly tell my girlfriend that the instant I am not happy with our situation I will be out the door but I would like to think that I convey my standards in a way that I won’t let them be abused consistently and unjustly and I would have no problems leaving amicably if that was compromised.
Like I’ve said before, even the most ostensibly perfect relationships will have short blips but a happy couple should be able to overcome these fairly swiftly. If these negative phases are becoming more frequent or prolonged, then some reflection might be required. I talked about this in more depth in the article ‘How to get through bad patches in a relationship’.
What if I have REAL contingencies such as kids or a mortgage?
One final note is if a couple are beyond the means of casually breaking-up. If you are married, have a mortgage together or have kids together then obviously the circumstances will require a lot more practical thought. Some questions to ask yourself if you are in such a situation are:
- What is more important between my happiness and my lifestyle?
- Are the negative aspects of my relationship actually detrimental to my children?
- Could I realistically manage the debts a divorce entails?
- How much do I respect my own happiness?
I hope some of this has been of help.
Much love,
Sam
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Why do we always read articles about women not wanting sex. I find myself in a very happy relationship with a guy I love who always had a high sex drive and lately he has found that because of stress we don’t have a sex life…..please any advice on this?
Hi Charles. I can just suggest you just one thing, please don’t let anything affect your relationship. May be your sex life is not coming out well because of stress,but you can always work on that stress and improve your sex life. Take a break from work, try and spend more quality time with each other.I am sure things will get better. Wish you lots of love and happiness in life. God Bless You!
Hey Charlie,
Linda had some good suggestions. Like she said, it’s about MAKING time for you as a couple, breaking the routine and setting aside quality time together. You can’t FORCE him into having his sex-drive back as it was but you can LEAD him towards it.
There are many specific ways to reignite a sexlife and it is something I plan to cover on this website soon.
Good luck and thanks for posting (Linda too)
Sam x
nice post. im not in a relationship so it doesnt apply to me but i really enjoyed reading this. one question though. how long should you leave it if youre unhappy before breaking up? incase it is just a “blip”.
seb
Hey Seb,
Every relationship is different and every person is different so there is no set duration for these negative phases. It will normally be fairly obvious whether it is just a phase though, or whether it is related to the relationship as a whole.
If you are going day to day, through a variety of emotions and ALWAYS concluding that you are unhappy with the relationship, then it is probably more than just one thing.
As a complete rough guide though, I would say if you’ve gone a whole week feeling nothing but contempt for your relationship, it is unlikely to change suddenly without considerable effort.
Hope that answers your question.
Sam
Hey, found you on the 31days to better blogging.. cool site. I also write about relationships from a slightly different angle.. and i like what you have to say!
I’ll be back and may refer to you in a future blog… once i’ve set up my editorial calendar!
df.
Hi,
Thanks!
I just had a look at your site and it looks very insightful. I’ve bookmarked it to have a proper read later but I can already tell I’m going to enjoy reading it.
Let me know how you get on with the rest of the blogging tasks… Joint motivation is always good.
Sam
You know so many interesting infomation. You might be very wise. I like such people. Don’t top writing.
I really like this post, Samuel! It is smart, funny and realistic.
Here is a great deal of common sence.
on the other hand, happiness is relative and a person has a difficulty to deceide if the relationship makes him/her happy: Does that mean that there are more pluses than minuses? Or does it mean that the majority of time you feel content?
I experienced (still am) a relationship with many breakups but we held it somehow together. Split up, both had other relationships, and got together again. It is a nightmare, but we can’t live without each other. Am I happy, are we happy? I don’t know but sometimes a break up seems just like the worse solution, it just makes us both sick.
It may be too late to get out. I’m 30 and talking like 60year old, so I would advise everybody who is thinking that he or she is with the wrong person, to do something until it’s too late to get out.
love to everybody!
Hi Sonia, thanks a lot!
I agree, happiness is often hard to quantify and getting logical about a relationship such as making a list of pros and cons doesn’t really help at the time. It is often brought about by not being wholly happy in the first place and will only aid in heightening the confusion! All relationships come with their fair share of strain and placid moments but what I was getting at is that personal happiness for a relationship should FAR exceed any negative feelings, on an emotional level not a logical one.
As I’ve said before, breakups often make couples realise how important they actually are to each other. The only hard part is to make sure getting back together is sincere and not simply to avert the feeling of loss.
Thanks for writing… You sound very wise and I hope you write again in the future.
Sam x
I am your same shoes. My boyfriend and I break up all the time but it seems unbearable when we are apart but yet we just continue to get back together, fight over stupid things and then break up..repeat. We never actually broke up for longer than a few hours until now. It has been a week now. We still act like we are dating. It’s definitately a confusing situation so I feel for you.
When we first married we were virgins! (that happened in the 60′s) Our wedding night and honeymoon were total disasters, I was so scared and wanted nothing to do with sex or my husband. When I finally simmered down it was 8 months later, Husband was very considerate of my feelings. I found out that my husband didn’t appriecate or really want sex. He only was doing it because were suppose to. That went on for 10 years then we had 2 kids. Husband was forced to work nights, and me during the day that way we didn’t have a baby sitter. We never saw each other except at the front door coming and going. The weekends were terrible trying to do everything at home and control 2 very lively boys. We were dead tired by Monday. Needless to say sex was out of the question and from then on till today theres been no sex. That was 30 years ago. Today I can’t remember what sex was like and husband is taking meds for depression, blood pressure, sleep problems and cholestrol issues. Hes fixed with meds so sex will never happen again.