That sounds like a brilliant idea; thanks for sharing. I guess another addition could be a webcam chat, so you can actually see each other’s reactions in real-time, although you’d probably need a few monitors to do that properly. I agree that it is hard to replicate being together in person but your idea sounds like a wonderful substitute in the meantime.

Thanks for commenting,

Sam

The feelings you shared with each other sound reasonable and the time out is probably a good thing.

Although you do want to respect her wishes about having some space, it won’t harm things to let her know you are thinking of her, in a light-hearted and fun way. If you are to be together after this, you want her to be missing you during this time apart, not forgetting about you.

If you do send something, you want it to make her smile and not associate you back with any pressure or anguish regarding the relationship. Asking lone questions such as “how are you” are unlikely to achieve that; they may even shift her back into an overanalysing state of mind.

Instead you are better off sending her short, occasional messages that are playful, fun and not related to personal feelings too much. An example completely off the top of my head would be, “I just saw [something cute/funny] and it totally reminded me of [some fun time you have shared together]. Hope you’re well sweetie.” Obviously only use something like that if it is congruent with your personality and make sure that it comes across in a caring manner, rather than aloof. A message like that doesn’t demand a response and is not needy or pressuring, yet will still remind her that you are thinking of her.

Other than that, I would wait for the agreed time and keep busy and positive in the meantime. If you haven’t heard from her in two weeks then it might be the time to contact her. Chat and reconnect as if nothing is wrong in the relationship, focusing on the future positives rather than any past negatives.

All the best,

Sam

I hope this won’t be long distance forever. I really miss the couch time.

I replied by stating that i have also spent some time thinking about what we have discussed recently, the great times we had when we were together and how we feel that we need some time and space now. I apologise for not trusting her because of my fear. Also to let her know that i am around whenever she feels ready with her emotions.

It has been a day where i have not heard from her and it feels terrible. I know i should focus my mind on myself and be positive. But Understanding it and putting it into practice is so tough. I know this ‘no-contact’ period is good for the both of us to understand ourselves and i am starting to realise that in the past week i have became less happier which perhaps resulted in the chain of unhappy events and issues of lesser trust in her.
I hope that it is not too late to salvage our relationship.

Regarding this period, should I be sending her a ‘how r u’ text/email if i dont hear from her for the next three days or after a week? Some friends suggested that i should not contact her until she is ready to make her first contact again. Some friends alao suggested that i can drop her a light message to enquire how’s things going for her lately without going into anything of our relationship. Just to indicate that i am around for her in this period. I am lost. What do you think? Also what if she wont get back to me for the next two weeks? Keep waiting?

Thank you for your kind words about the website. I’m glad you’ve found it helpful.

It sounds like you have a great relationship and the way you have managed the distance so far sounds perfect. Trust does have to be even more solid when dealing with a long-distance relationship and with a few tweaks in attitude and communication you can easily get the relationship back to the way you both want it to be. The fact that you are aware of the difference between unnecessary or needy behaviour and that of a secure boyfriend is what is important in making any changes.

I wouldn’t read too much into the Skype messages or any similar instances. Emotions are extremely changeable, especially when dealing with the sometimes turbulent emotions that come with a long-distance relationship and also what sounds like a pivotal time in your girlfriend’s life. It is impossible to know what kind of mood she was in when she received or sent any of the messages, so try not to overanalyse anything that was said.

With regards to the decisions and pathways that your girlfriend is currently considering, the best thing for you to do is be supportive. Being supportive is far more important than actively trying to help her. Let her come to her own conclusions about what she wants to do in life and simply make sure that you are included in that picture… that she envisages a future life with you!

Unless she brings up her worries herself, I would not talk about them too much. You are better off being her relief from those stresses, so that she always looks forward to speaking to you. You definitely don’t want her anticipating more probing questions or suspicions before you speak to her. You want the relationship to be as stress-free and drama-free as possible. This is important in all relationships, but especially in long-distance ones. Start building up excitement for seeing each other next month, and try your hardest not to mention anything related to distrust or negative emotions until then.

When a woman says directly that you should trust her, she is usually being sincere. From what you have described, it doesn’t sound like your girlfriend is manipulating or hiding anything.

As for your final question, you want to sow the seeds that you can eventually be in the same location (otherwise the relationship loses a lot of its meaning and direction) but I definitely would avoid making her feel pressured in any way. Sharing future-projections for the relationship as well as giving more realistic options is great, but pressing the matter beyond that is likely to cause conflict.

Thanks for using the website and thanks for writing in,

Sam

First of all, Thank you for all your insights and advises on relationship matters. I really don’t know how I would manage at this point if I have not accidentally stumbled onto your site. Constantly reading your articles made me feel like I could become a better person when it comes to handling relationship matters.

I feel that I can relate to many of your posts. I am currently in a relationship with a girl who I met about half a year ago. We hit off right away, feeling that we connect in many different ways – sharing similar interests, hobbies but yet quite different at times in terms of personalities and nature. Its a strange but beautiful feeling. She was only working at my country for a month and we both know that we will be apart after her contract ends. Eversince then we have managed to plan ahead and meet up with each other wherever we may be. Trust me. Within 6 months, we have met and spend time in three different countries. It all seems romantic and at times, quite a luxurious relationship that we are having. Mind you our distance at times could be as far as between Southeast Asia and Europe. Each time, we met and re-connect, it was magical. But yet at the same time, each separation is getting harder and harder to overcome.

My trust was shaken during our last trip together. I accidentally saw an incoming message on her Skype from another guy calling her intimate names. I couldn’t help but to read into her previous messages and to my relief, although the guy on several occasions called her names, she did not reciprocate to him, but she continued the conversation to express her doubts and uncertainites about her future. I was shocked and I couldn’t understand that why she would need to do so. We spoke about this and she said there is nothing to worry about. She only has me in her mind and deleted his guy from her contact. We have move on from this incident but from time to time, it comes back to haunt me.

After the trip, it was the worst of times, because I became very needy where I wanted to constantly stay in touch. It gotten worse to a point that I am keeping tabs of her. It is really sad when I reflect the things I have done in the past 2 weeks, comparing to the strong connectivity we had in the first few months.

Recently it seems to me that she is going through a difficult period. She was a recent graduate but has yet to find a permanent job and hence she has been taking on these short term contractual works/internships to meet her ends and hopefully nail an opportunity somewhere. I am lucky enough to get a stable job and earn a fair living. At the moment she is confused about her decision in life. Pondering on what she really wants. She told me she need some time alone to sort things out herself and there is nothing I can help. I feel helpless. I reacted in a bad manner, thinking there are something more than that – issues with fear, jealousy. I asked if there is something wrong between our relationship but she said there is nothing wrong with us just that she needs to deal with much critical issues at hand about her future. We talked about this matter and she confessed that she is the kind that requires a lot of space of her own in times like that because she is constantly not satisfied about life. I think I can understand why she feels like that, because sometimes I feel the same too. She brought up the topic of trust and told me to trust her. She feels that I am not trusting her enough.

Now gradually, I am becoming more aware of my mis-doings and my feeling of insecurities. Reading your posts I also became aware that it is only normal that we both need our spaces and finding the right time to share positive things with each other. I am working on myself to de-sensitize certain negative emotions and will work on my trust to her. I just hope its not too late.

1. What else can I do at this point when she needs her time? How can I help her? Just by letting her be and worry that we might drift too far apart? We are meeting again in about a month time. The next thirty days is going to be a huge challenge!

2. I have been suggesting to her to relocate back to my country and try to find a job here for the time being. Nonetheless the job market is very unstable everywhere else in the world right now. She also understand that I am fine to re-locate with her to a place we both would like to be in the next 2-3 years. But I am afraid that perhaps now is not the best time to resurface this suggestion again although previously she was open to the idea. What do you think?

It always impresses me when I hear about relationships that have overcome language barriers and prove there is more to connecting with someone than just words. Having said that, I understand how it can be difficult to create deep rapport beyond a certain point in such a relationship, especially whilst physically apart.

The conflict in lifestyle and aspirations that you describe do seem to verge on the ‘deal breaker’ side of what you want in a relationship. If those factors are not as clear cut as that then a relationship’s true emotional traction can only be felt whilst in each other’s company.

If deep down you have already made your decision, then the sooner you sort it the better. It is good that you have discussed some of your overarching thoughts and feelings already. At the very least, it won’t be a shock when you do see each other.

If you feel you can stay mentally strong and rational enough when in his presence, then talking face to face is generally the most empathetic and amicable way to discuss things. The important thing is to be decisive so that neither of you feel confused with the outcome.

Relationships don’t have to have an ultimatum. Depending on your personal views towards different types of relationships, you can modify a relationship so that you are still emotionally and physically intimate, but the investment and commitment levels are adjusted. Hopefully you can come to a mutual understanding so that you both come out of this feeling positive and looking forward.

Thanks for writing and I hope things work out for the best,

Sam

I met someone who is culturally and linguistically different from me. We met while I was in Sweden, and for 6 months we were together. He speaks Arabic and doesn’t speak my native language, however, we communicated in the beginning with a little bit of Swedish. Somehow we communicated. I now take Arabic classes to try to fill our language gap.

The problem is he’s much older, 30, and I’m 22. I have big dreams of traveling and living abroad, finding my passion, and finding my career. He, on the other hand, wants to get married and wants me to move to Sweden with him. I’m not ready to settle down and, on top of that, communication between us does not fill my emotional connection that I would imagine with a boyfriend.

I’m going back to Sweden soon and I don’t know what to do. I am honest with, I tell him my plan for the future and how I feel about our different desires, so I don’t know if I should end it before I go, give the relationship a chance when I go to Sweden, end it and not see him at all or end it in person? In person sounds better, but it’s easier said than done.

Lu