Managing a long distance relationship
Long distance relationships are becoming a far more common setup these days. I would define one, not necessarily by literal distance but more so by how often a couple can feasibly see each other.
This actually happens to be the situation me and my girlfriend Heidi have been in since very early on in our relationship. As it stands, we are rarely closer than an hour’s drive apart and are often up to three hours drive away from each other. However, we both make the relationship work because we both WANT to make it work! Although every relationship is different, here are some general pointers for managing a long distance relationship… 
Being realistic about the relationship:
You want to be realistic regarding your relationship as soon as possible and ideally before anything becomes too serious. Once people become too attached to one another, it’s a lot harder to think logically about specific terms and desires. You want to decide as soon as possible what is really going to work for you.
I had a client last summer who met a wonderful woman whilst travelling; they hit it off immediately and swiftly bound through the dating phases into a full blown relationship in a very short space of time. Their disregarded caveat though was that once their month-long trip together was over, they would be some 4,000 miles apart! Whilst they found it hard to admit, they both knew it was not going to work out once they had both returned home.
What it all comes down to is whether a long distance relationship is ‘worth the investment’. Without tarnishing what you have had with someone so far, you have to decide if dating someone so far away from you subtracts aspects of your life and personal development. Ultimately, a happy relationship should be ADDING to your life!
Be realistic to your current situation in life and if a monogamous relationship with someone at distance is not going to work for you, be honest with the other person involved. You can always keep in touch with them and you never know when your life situations may change and make things easier… however, I wouldn’t recommend waiting around for that time to come.
You should ultimately only be in a long distance relationship because you really see the relationship as something special. If it’s more a convenience issue or a lack of other options, then they are separate mindsets you could be working on altogether.
Being faithful:
One of the hardest things to deal with in a long distance relationship is trusting your partner explicitly. Obviously you won’t be able to know what your partner is up to one hundred percent of the time, so you have to deal with any breaks in contact without any judgement or jealousy.
On a similar subject, avoiding temptation might be a problem for you on occasion. There will be moments when you are feeling emotionally distanced as well as physically distanced from your partner. If these are more than momentary occurrences though, then perhaps you need to reassess your relationship as a whole. An article I wrote entitled ‘Steps for finding the perfect partner’ should help you with this analysis.
I definitely advocate maintaining a healthy social life whilst you are away from your partner. It will keep your personality attractive as well as keep your relationship in perspective. In doing this though, you will no doubt encounter other attractive members of the opposite sex. Keeping memories of your partner close in your mind will prevent them ever becoming too emotionally distant and hence void the issue of temptation completely.
Keeping in touch:
Keeping in good contact is vital for sustaining a long distance relationship. There are so many different ways to communicate over distance these days that there really is no excuse for not keeping in touch. Phone-calls, text messages, e-mails and letters are all great ways of letting someone know you are thinking of them.
I speak to my girlfriend every day and relish the fact that I can constantly be a part of her life, despite predominantly being so far away. It’s actually a great test to know how perfect your relationship is… Do you WANT to know everything they are getting up to? Do you ENJOY hearing about trivial things they’ve done each day?
Being considerate:
You will find that the power shift in a long distance relationship will change a lot more frequently than a couple who live together for example. It is a lot easier to satisfy someone’s emotional needs in person and so your partner’s state can fluctuate greatly. Be considerate to this fact and although I wouldn’t advise being your partner’s ‘therapist’ or outlet for emotional discharge, it is reassuring to let them know how much you miss them and talk about future times together to keep the relationship real.
Substituting intimacy:
The obvious deficiency with a long distance relationship is the lack of physical and intimate contact. Intimacy is one of the three factors of lasting love (along with passion and commitment) and so it would seem like this is unachievable if a couple are not physically together.
However, there are ways you can simulate physical intimacy until the times you are together and these are primarily achieved through verbal descriptiveness. This can be done through the use of intimate language when you speak to one another on the phone, which can even progress to the slightly taboo act of phone sex.
Use your imagination to think of other ways to simulate being together. One idea me and Heidi did recently was watching a movie simultaneously and speak to each other before and after watching it (the movie was Disney’s ‘Bolt’ if you want to know and it was MAGICAL).
You want to keep the relationship fun and exciting in any way you can as well as making sure you still have the rapport of an intimate couple.
The positives of a long distance relationship:
There is one often overlooked positive aspect of a long distance relationship, that is far easier to consummate in such a setup. That positive involves not becoming contempt or needy with one another through overexposure. Obviously one could convey these things verbally but I mean that it is far easier to prevent the relationship becoming repetitive or boring by default.
One of the best things about my relationship with Heidi is that when we do see each other in person, everything is really fresh and exciting. Try and turn any feelings of missing your partner into feelings of anticipation and plan ahead so that the time you do spend together is extra special.
Long distance relationships can definitely hold their fair share of tough periods but as long as they are handled with a conscious mind, they can be just as fulfilling, if not more fulfilling than standard relationships.
I would be very interested to hear anyone else’s thoughts on all this, especially from anyone who has experience of their own long distance relationship.
Much love,
Sam
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i find that the hardest part about long-distance is trying to stay active in your own relationship. both me and my boyfriend have very different schedules, and when we finally do get on the phone with each other, it can sometimes be monotonous because we’re thinking about other things… it’s almost like having two separate lives. i can’t describe it, but all i can say is that a long-distance relationship (obviously) takes wayyyyy more active input from both of you than a normal relationship.
also, skype skype skype helps.
Hiya,
Great point and I can definitely relate to it. When Heidi calls me unannounced and I happen to be in the middle of some important work, I find it very hard to suddenly switch to fun, conversation mode in an instant. I think this is true of most people.
By far our best times talking together are when neither of us are pre-occupied with other things and can totally engage with each other… In bed, just prior to going to sleep is generally a good time.
Yes, skype is great isn’t it! Coupled with a webcam, it really is the closest you can get to feeling like you’re right next to each other. I actually bought Heidi a webcam as a ‘going away to Uni’ present last year… I handmade the box and it was bloomin’ marvellous if I do say so myself… ‘Talk to Sam 3000′ I think it was called!
Thanks for your comment,
Sam x
Hi, gr8 post thanks for posting. Information is useful!
I found this article really helpful. I’ve been in a long distance relationship before, but my current boyfriend and I are going through a much harder relationship than the previous. We met in our hometown but due to the recession his father was made redunant and was offered a new job in Australia. He wasn’t supposed to move their with his family but while out there for a period of two weeks he decided to never come back to the UK. We broke up and after a month and a half without speaking we admitted to one another than our love was proven to be undying. We’re now back together, but the only downside is that he is going to university over there and will be there for around 4 years. We’ve both decided to be 100% commited to this and one another as we’d both rather wait several years to be with one another than never have eachother again. We don’t speak that often; only for around an hour every day if I’m lucky due to the time difference and I’m finding this terribly hard. I really want this to work out but I’m constantly worried he’ll find someone else or he will fall out of love with me. x
Hi Emma,
Wow that is about as long-distance as you can get. However, it definitely can work as long as you both WANT to make it work. I know of a couple who remained in a relationship whilst one was in England and the other was in New Zealand for three years, so actually a very similar circumstance. They are still together now five years later so it can be done!
Will either of you be able to visit each other during the next four years? I know travelling that far isn’t exactly cheap or convenient but seeing each other at least a few times a year will help a lot in keeping the relationship real.
Other than that, by talking as often as possible and continuing to mutually make an effort with the relationship, keeping some of the points mentioned above in mind, I’m sure you can make it work.
Keep me updated,
Sam x