My last article was about how to advance your dating life and social life in general by starting to approach and meet more people in everyday life. I thought I would write a somewhat related article before diverging into more in-depth relationship topics once more.
This article focuses on a dating principle that is often conducted inefficiently, if conducted at all…
The most important principle in dating:
One of the most disregarded pieces of the dating puzzle is the process of telling someone why you like them. If you’ve ever had someone stand you up for a date… If you’ve ever had someone you like not return your calls or texts… If you’ve ever had someone seem really interested in you and then witness that interest swiftly plummet without explanation… This is probably the reason!
It seems simple in principle but so many people fail to actually tell people they are attracted to what it is they actually like about them beyond their physical appearance. A result of this is that the other person will always be thinking “hmm are they only after one thing… Do they actually like ME?” Admittedly, this is more of a common thought amongst women than men, as dating culture has set men up to be the pursuers, who will generally reap ANY reciprocated interest.
Whatever your intentions are, if you don’t tell someone what you like about them early on, any future relationship is going to start in a staggered fashion, if at all.
Some people have more acute social intuition than others, generally based on how ‘socialised’ they are during adolescent years. Even so, I’ve seen several cases in the past where a man or woman thinks they are being glaringly obvious with their interest in someone by being flirty in whatever way they choose and yet the other person does not pick up on these subtle indications. This communication confusion often leads to a premature end to any relationship that could manifest.
Reasons for not telling someone specifically why you like them can either be due to shyness, or insufficient understanding of the key differences between male and female psychology. Everyone likes to feel desired… but to be desired as a unique human being, not just as a hot piece of meat!
It is an unfortunate case but modern culture has programmed girls into thinking that any guy who sparks up a conversation with her is just trying to chat her up (it is a fair enough thought, as it is often true ). Furthermore, any guy who continues down that avenue, she will think is only trying to get in her pants so to speak.
This is proved to me time and time again at times when I meet particularly defensive women in bars. If I happen to mention my girlfriend at any point during the initial conversation, it’s astonishing to see how quickly this type of woman drops her defences and replaces them with renewed enthusiasm for the interaction. If you find yourself in an interaction with a similar type of woman, I wouldn’t recommend saying you are in a relationship if you aren’t, but I hope you see my point.
What do YOU look for in a partner?
The best way to start this whole process is to sit down and write a list of qualities you look for in a partner. This does not have to be an exhaustive list so I suggest starting with five key qualities you look for. Bare in mind though that the more detailed and thought-out your list is, the higher your standards will be once you start applying them and your chances of knowing when you’ve found the perfect partner increases dramatically.
The point of this list-writing exercise is twofold: firstly, having this list will hone your subconscious mind to naturally screen members of the opposite sex for the qualities you are looking for and spot them more easily. Secondly, it will also give you a base list of questions to ask once there is mutual attraction between the two of you.
At a most basic level, you can simply go through your list, asking your questions in the form of “are you [x quality]?” Obviously you will have to become more imaginative with the majority of these questions so they don’t sound contrived. The more you do this, the more you will subconsciously discover these qualities in people and react positively as a natural consequence anyway.
The key is to make your compliments and interest DESERVING. Far too many people seem to simply agree with everything their partner says or give fake appreciation for things they have no interest in simply because they think it will IMPRESS their partner. Having standards and giving out GENUINE compliments and appraisal is far more attractive!
My personal list of qualities I look for:
If you are looking for some inspiration, here is my personal list of character traits I specifically look for in a partner:
- Smart, as in good common sense.
For the record, my girlfriend Heidi meets all these qualities by a large margin and exceeds them with lots of other qualities too. I can’t remember the exact instances when I discovered each of these qualities in Heidi but I am sure that every time she showed generosity in my presence, or talked about something adventurous she had done, that my genuine positive reaction let her know that I was interested in her.
There is a BIG difference between saying “wow, that’s amazing, I really like that about you” with sincerity, compared with someone who simply agrees and acts impressed with everything a member of the opposite sex does, thinking it is a direct route to winning them over.
What it all boils down to is developing a secure level of self-esteem so that you feel at ease comfortably teasing people you are attracted to, whilst at the same time not feeling restricted in giving out genuine compliments and appraisal when you want to.
As always, I would love to hear any feedback from you on these topics, or if anyone feels brave enough to post their own list of qualities they look for.
P.S: In other exciting news, at a complete surprise to me, Sparklife.info got voted in the top ten ‘Best Web Designs of the Week’ over at www.codevigilante.com (April 12th – April 18th, 2009). Their awesome and popular website trawls the internet and collates all the best websites, based on aesthetics and rates them according to simplicity, effectiveness, tastefulness and uniqueness. Apparently Sparklife.info scored particularly highly on the simplicity and effectiveness categories, which I am stoked about as that is exactly what I intended when I designed it.