Sam

On the contrary I think you sound like a lovely person and the more honest with your boyfriend you are, the more he will respect you and your wishes.

You say that you have been in several long-term relationships with not much time being single in-between. Whilst being single obviously takes a lot of the pressure off, which in turn can help people realise what they are really looking for in a partner, it only really helps in finding the ‘perfect partner’ if you are willing to casually date lots of people over a short space of time.

Prior experience of committed relationships is actually more useful at this stage. Although you may not want to directly compare these past relationships, take some time to think over the aspects of a relationship that truly fulfil your needs and desires.

I don’t often specifically recommend books but the book ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle is really useful for overcoming anxiety or fear. A lot of your fears are based on what may or may not happen in the future. If you can disassociate from those and realise whether you are happy in your relationship as it is now, you can probably make it work.

If instead you realise that the fears and doubts are definitely stemming from a lack of fulfilment in your relationship, then it may be wise to be open with your boyfriend about not wanting to rush any further commitment.

All the best,

Sam

One of my problems is that I have been in a series of long-term relationships since I was 15 and had no single time except a few months here and there (recovering, not quality time). So I’m quite curious about being single and whether there is someone ‘perfect for me’ out there. Your article got me thinking about how you can actually find that person if you look hard enough. It all takes courage though. If I commit in this position, I’m worried that I will be tempted to stray down the track. But my lovely boyfriend does NOT deserve that – no one does. Geez, it’s so complicated. I feel like such a horrible selfish person.

Doubts in a relationship are very common but it is where those doubts stem from and the true meaning behind them that is important.

The most enjoyable aspects of a relationship are always in the moment. The things you describe about your boyfriend, such as having a lot in common with him and enjoying your time together, are positive affirmations felt in the present.

In contrast to this, any issues with commitment and security are anxieties stemming from the future (this is especially true if these feelings are influencing your subconscious mind such as in your dreams). It seems like the situation you are in is caused by a clash of these two principals, creating a waypoint in your relationship.

Another article of mine that you might like to read is called ‘Should I stay or leave my relationship’. That article gives a few tips for rationalising any conflicting thoughts you are having about your relationship and then focuses on the most important point, which is to be decisive and then be proactive once you have made a decision.

The article also talks about how list methods can help you come to a decision. One thing I would add in your case is to separate that process into two distinct categories: your relationship and how you visualise your life over the next few years (including your desire for kids). It will be easier to notice the point where the two clash if you do it this way.

I still advocate the general rule that one should only stay in a relationship for as long as it is continually fulfilling. Sometimes there are other factors that are not specifically related to your partner that can make a relationship less fulfilling though. Hopefully by pinpointing the cause of any anxieties or stress, you will be able to realise what you really want in a relationship.

Take care and let me know how things turn out,

Sam

I am confused. I was originally of the opinion that if you were having doubts if you were in the right relationship then it wasn’t the right relationship and you should leave.
More recently, I have spoken to many people with relationship doubts and they say everyone has doubts and it’s normal.

I have been in my relationship for 5 years and I have serious doubts. They plague me day and night and even in my dreams. I feel like I’m going crazy from the stress, and I wake up nearly every night with serious worries. But the thing is, my boyfriend is wonderful. We have heaps in common and he’s a lovely person, very reliable, fun, and almost everything I have been looking for. But I can’t committ to him because of these plaguing doubts. Yet even the thought of breaking up with him brings me to tears.

I really don’t know what to do.

We don’t have a mortgage together yet or kids or anything, and I am 32 years old and wanting kids in the next few years.

What do you think I should do?

Thanks heaps Sam

Rebecca

First up, thankyou so much for taking the time to write those responses, your insights and awareness are outstanding!

Thankyou for your kind words about the article and I agree with all the points you added on. People can definitely play an act in the beginning parts of a relationship so I agree seeing them in many different situations and over time before confidently committing is useful.

It’s good that you seem so aware of the situations you have been or are in. I can tell from just these short passages that you’re an intelligent and strong woman who ultimately knows what to do in situations.

Thankyou for writing and please keep in touch,

Sam x