It is understandable that you might have confused thoughts and suspicions after the incidents you have described. That doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything ominous going on but it does mean that you should discuss the recent changes in the relationship with your boyfriend.

Having been together for two years, you should be able to calmly and maturely discuss how certain incidents make you feel and get him to talk about some of his recent lifestyle choices. Ultimately, you want to make sure that you both still want the same things and are both happy in the relationship at the moment.

The main things to take extra care about are not coming across as biased or judgemental. If he is genuinely just friends with this other girl then that is fine, but let him know how you actually want to be treated with regards to honesty and openness, not as a threat but as an independent, personal standard.

It is likely that all of these behaviours are the result of how the relationship has conditioned both of you, especially regarding your boyfriend’s past jealousy. For a relationship to have a future you can have parts of your social life that are separate, but those separate social lives should still compliment the life you want to share together, without any secrecy or reason for suspicions.

All the best and thanks for writing,

Sam

If someone in a relationship has cheated then in order for there to be trust again, you both have to recognise the changes in attitude that must occur. Your girlfriend has to know that she can’t disrespect the relationship like before.

The work colleague isn’t actually a factor if the above changes take place. If your girlfriend genuinely wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you then you must let her know what is and is not acceptable to you. In the short term, being more open and detailed about her activities, feelings and desires will give you a better idea of how sincere she is being.

Removing a physical temptation (the work colleague in this case) does not remove the inclination, so concentrate on improving the relationship from the ground up, rather than focusing on damage control.

All the best,

Sam

Your comment touches on a whole host of relationship issues. Rather than working on certain areas of the relationship whilst other areas still suffer, the best thing you can do is have a clean slate and take the relationship back to basics. Start acting like the attractive, confident version of you that your girlfriend clearly desires.

I personally don’t think there should ever be strict regulations put on a relationship. If a couple communicate well and react dutifully to each other’s non-verbal communication then the relationship can adapt accordingly. I do understand however that personal beliefs and religion can impose strict regulations and that is something you just have to work with.

The whole issue of who cheated and why they cheated is also best put in the past. Start agreeing on how you want the relationship to be NOW and start acting accordingly. That includes being faithful to each other. If you want to sleep with other people or change aspects of your sex-life then that is fine, but only if you discuss it maturely beforehand!

As the above article discusses, there is only one way to prevent your girlfriend from going off with another man and it is all completely within your control!

Regards,

Sam

As a general rule though, a woman will only purposefully hide information from you if she thinks you will react in a bad way or judge her actions.

Im in a 4yrs relatnship,n i met my girl a virgin bck in university,we datd 3yrs in sch n durin d first 2yrs i cheatd with 4diff girls n i told her afta d act..reasons were bcos she was Godli,n didnt wnt 2 loose her viginity until afta marriage,but she stil 4gav me,then in our 3rd yr she gav in2 my pleas of sex,n we started but d 4th yr,i once again cheatd on her n confessed,but she was so hurt dat she had plans on wat 2 do n didnt want to tell me,she cheatedd with a guy for a month n broke off with him b4 i knew,i had a friend who she didnt knw of dat observed d event den,so whn i askd y she didnt own up,she said she was scared of my reactn,wel now we r workin on our relatnship,n im now in good terms with God courtsey her advice, n we r both determind 2 serve him righteousli,so no sex,n we r workin on a futur 2geda…though we’v been hvin issues of finance,cos im not strong presentli in dat aspect,im stil jobhuntin but she’s employed in a bank here for abt a month now,few weeks bck we had an issue of finance n didnt communicat for som tim,whn i called her so we can resolv d issue,she responded…..but she says now dat she’s numb abt her feelings for me n shes confused…..then i got her to talk more abt d happenings @ work cos she workin in a faraway state from wher i am residin..her collegue approachd her with courtship to marriage offer and she told him she’s in a commited relationship but she owned up 2 me dat she’s attracted to him but i shud not panic cos she’l tak car of d situation,but im seriousli worried cos when she cheated on me it all started like dis but d difference is den she had d motive of hurtin me n she never told me she was attracted to him,but now she says she’s attracted to dis guy but will control herslf n remain focus,dat i shud trust her…..n i shud also giv her time to cool off d pressure n be convinced of wat she feels for me,cos @ dis stage she’s confused not becos of d new guy but bcos of series of challenges we have had to go thru….can u advice me on dis issue??

And Sam i also want u to undastnd dat in our 4yrs i can bit my chest and say,she is not a male,sex and money freak….but afta she cheated,i find it difficult to trust her around guys she’s close with n dis mental torture increases bcos she also said she is confused n numb abt her feelings for me,but yet she declined we breakin up cos accordin to her it wont solve d problem,only dat i should be patience with her n give her time…dat she feel we will be stronger if she can rediscover d feelings again..wat shud i do???

I wouldn’t dwell too much on whether she specifically said sorry or not. Although she shouldn’t have specifically hidden stuff from you, she may not think she did anything that wrong, or at least that it was done in your best interest.

The point is that her not contacting these other guys should be completely her decision and not yours. If you restrict or disrespect her own judgement, she is only going to resent it.

Although it may be hard to put your own feelings on the matter aside, ultimately the only thing you can do is express rational reasons why this other guy might be “bad” for her but tell her that you trust her judgement and then encourage her to be more open with you.

For the time being, I would suggest forgetting about the whole incident and concentrating on making the relationship fun and endearing once more. Coincidently, this is actually the way that she is going to respect your wishes and opinion a lot more, rather than feeling forced or controlled into not speaking to certain people.

Take care,

Sam

now at this point what should i exactly do when she is kinda irritated and does not wana say sorry but i know she feels bad about what she did.how should i gain her trust and make her understand that contact wid those guys is not in her interest..

thanks a lot for ur enlightenment

There are several points to address in what you wrote and as counter-intuitive as it may seem, the issue concerning this other guy that your girlfriend has been in contact with is the least significant. It is the product rather than the cause.

If you think back over the last few months, try and pinpoint the sort of behavioural changes in the relationship that may have led to these forms of distrust, deceit and even not wanting to call each other as much anymore.

If you have a browse around the website, there are several other articles that address these issues and how to keep a relationship continually fulfilling. As a general rule though, a woman will only purposefully hide information from you if she thinks you will react in a bad way or judge her actions. Her thought process probably wasn’t a calculated one intending to hurt you, but more as a consequence of you implying that she can’t be in contact with whom she wants to be, along with the relationship perhaps not being as exciting and fulfilling as it could be at the moment.

Evidence that she has been contacting another man secretly does not automatically mean she is cheating. It is how you react, deal with and progress the relationship from here that will be the defining factor as to whether she does do anything untoward in your relationship.

If you start thinking back to how you both were in the relationship during positive times over the last three years, then you can start trying to recreate those sorts of attitudes.

It will have to start with you accepting that she may want to communicate with other guys but you should encourage her to be more open with you, without any repercussions. If this is done correctly, she should never feel the need to lie to you and you should never feel the need to check her emails.

It is impossible to respectfully control who your girlfriend wants to communicate with but you can control why she would want to. Using some of the advice from the above article, you want to get back to concentrating on what’s important in the relationship, which is being the best boyfriend you can be, and stop any instances of control and mistrust before they escalate too far.

All the best and thanks for writing,

Sam