The ONLY way to prevent your partner cheating
Being cheated on, or the FEAR of being cheated on is one of the primary crutches in a relationship, and ultimately destroys a number of them. I personally have never cheated on a girlfriend and to the best of my knowledge, have never been cheated on either… but that’s not to say that the irrational fear of someday being cheated on occasionally crops up with me too.
First I am going to list a couple of instinctual techniques that both men and women frequently use as clear tactics to settle these fears of cheating. I will explain why each one is not the best course of action and then reveal to you the ONLY way you can prevent your partner cheating on you… 
First, what to try and avoid doing…
Keeping tabs on your partner:
This is a really common one. I remember a few years back when I was out with some old friends for a ‘lad’s night out’. Obviously, any girlfriends were politely not invited and all was set for an epic, fun night in our favourite nightspots. One of my friends (who I shall call John for the sake of privacy) was a confident and intelligent guy, who had acquired himself a seemingly lovely girlfriend and they were now in their first year of living together.
Well, an hour in to our night on the town, with the drinks already flowing faster than a drunken man urinating behind a police station, John tries to subtly function his phone under the table. This obviously does not go unnoticed amongst a tipsy and boisterous group of men. After a few demands that John reveals the bearer of his trans-communication attention and a few sarcastic jokes that he’s ‘under the thumb’ with his missis, John sheepishly shows us the rather blunt text message; “Where are you? Who are you with? You better be thinking of me at home”. After a quick-fire evolvement to the previous under the thumb jokes, everyone got back to the night, drinking and laughing jovially, dismissing John’s possessive enquiry.
Well as the night went on, it seemed every thirty minutes at most John was dashing off to answer his phone or replying to a barrage of texts from home. Every time I got a chance to ask him what’s up, he would reply “ah, it’s just the missis checking up on me”.
The point of this story is to highlight the difference between taking an interest in your partner’s life and keeping tabs on them. This story, although an exaggerated version, occurs not just with one or two of my coupled friends, but with the MAJORITY of ones with a girlfriend or boyfriend that has even the slightest degree of insecurities. Everyone knows that a key element to a healthy relationship is trust, so try to live by it. If you find yourself in a similar position, about to fire off a probing text or the equivalent, take a moment to rephrase it in a way that portrays genuine interest rather than suspicion.
Acting weird, jealous or overbearing when your partner mentions someone of the opposite sex:
I have to confess that this is something I have been guilty of in the past and although I even now sometimes get these feelings when my girlfriend talks enthusiastically about another guy, it only takes me a few moments to rationalise it as non-threatening. If this really is an issue for you, take note of HOW your partner brings up these other people: is it essential to the natural conversations of their life, or are they actually holding back more sinister details; it will normally be fairly obvious if they are but don’t be hasty with accusations.
If your partner is mentioning someone else, even if it seems constant, 99% of the time you have nothing to worry about. The times you genuinely have to worry is when they are actively NOT telling you about the other people they are seeing, skipping over important details to what they have been doing, or you inadvertently find out some sinister information from a third-party.
Accusing your partner of cheating without any viable proof:
This is probably the best way to actually PUSH your partner into cheating. Accusing them of cheating without any viable proof displays the ultimate lack of trust and illustrates what you really think of them. Contempt for trust is one of the two reasons why someone would actively cheat on their partner. If you really suspect they are cheating, dig a little deeper without doing anything detrimental to the relationship before even THINKING of confronting your partner.
I had a friend a number of years ago who somehow got access to his girlfriend’s e-mail and was checking it almost daily to try and discover proof of her infidelity. Well all this suspicion was no doubt crossing over in to how he treated and communicated with her in real life until she actually ended up cheating on him! As fate would have it, he found out via her e-mail and was actually OVERJOYYED that he now had proof and could confirm his distrust. Whilst on this example, simply checking your partner’s e-mail or phone or anything else also shows a distinct lack of trust and contempt for their privacy and if you ever find yourself doing this, you should ask yourself why you feel the need to!
Trying to make your partner jealous to ‘get one over’ on them:
This is something I witness time and time again, often between couples in high-pressure social situations where alcohol can also be a factor. Whilst mild jealousy is a well-recognised technique in creating attraction with someone new of the opposite sex, in a long-term relationship it is simply disrespectful!
I actually think harmless flirting with other people is a healthy thing even when you’re in a relationship, as it keeps your personality fresh and attractive. You must obey the boundaries of what is too much though, whilst also respecting your partner’s feelings.
Not letting go of the past:
Ok, so it may be likely that you have been cheated on in the past… but remember that it is the PAST and it has no influence on whether your current partner will treat you the same way, unless you make it so!
Deal with your own trust issues first before transposing them to your partner.
And now for the only way to prevent your partner from cheating…
The ONLY way to prevent your partner from cheating:
Be the best option available!
It sounds simple but as long as you are actively trying to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend you can be, your partner will always want to be with you. As long as you are wholeheartedly trying to fulfil all of your partner’s physical, emotional and growth needs, they will never want or need to look elsewhere.
Not only do you want to strive to be the best option available, you want to BELIEVE it too. Try to avoid becoming arrogant though or degrade other suitors. When you actually believe you are the best boyfriend or girlfriend, you won’t actually see other people as competition and therefore you will never get jealous.
In a follow-up post I will detail exactly how you ensure you are the best option available… there are ten key factors.
Much love,
Sam
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Oooh! Sammy I love this article. As someone who has been the cheater, the cheatee, the cheatah;), and the i-finally-found-the-perfect-relationship girl, I think I’d like to comment.
Sooo I agree that keeping tabs and nagging your partner is a horrible idea. STORYTIME! Ricky went to a strip club the other day… and called me before, during, and after he left. Yeah, he called me, not the other way around. I kept assuring him that it was totally fine, and that he should have fun– but all his friends were either getting in trouble with their girlfriends or they were being secretive and just not telling them. See, I didn’t bug my guy by calling/texting him every five minutes, and he declined a lap dance from a very naked girl! I think that the more freedom you give your partner, the more they will appreciate you and keep track of themselves so that you don’t have to.
Unless you’re dating a jackass.
… But if you’re dating a guy (or girl) with a brain, give them the respect they deserve and they’ll return the favor.
Lub,
Boo
ps- I NEED TO KNOW the ten key factors to ensure I’m the best option available, now!
Thanks for your comment Bennyboo! Love your insights. I definitely agree that allowing freedom to your partner makes them respect you more and want to be honorable towards you.
Turning down a lapdance though… that boy’s got some will power!! 
Unfortunately a lot of people do date ‘jackasses’ for a variety of reasons, where this sort of approach wouldn’t be so rewarding. What would you suggest to them?
Oh and you don’t have to worry about the follow-up article… you cover most of the ten things already… most
Thanks again for commenting,
Sam
PS: On a somewhat related note, this got me thinking… If your partner had cheated on you, would you rather know or is it a case of ‘ignorance is bliss’? I’d be interested to hear people’s honest opinions on this.
Dear junk mail, aka spam:),
I’ve thought about that a lot. I think personally, I would want to know if I had been cheated on. I think knowing is the tried and true way to find out if your relationship is real… your partner is telling you the truth, is probably very remorseful, and obviously cares about you if he hasn’t taken that opportunity to break up with you, and you have the choice to forgive him.
But can you make a general recommendation for this? I think it’s different for everyone. I think some people might react so strongly that it would be better for them not to know… and if the cheater is truly sorry, then maybe ignorance IS bliss.
Hmmm.
-C
Hi,
I do agree with you. However, I’ve always felt that if someone cheats in a relationship (as the above article heads towards) is that it is because of something not right in the relationship, in which case should it end anyway? My point being that if the relationship is as perfect as can be, would anyone cheat?
On the flipside, if someone has confessed (without any external push) and it is sincere, then they are probably less likely to cheat again than someone who keeps schtum and realises they can get away with it.
I have a few friends who do cheat on their girlfriends yet live by a complete double-standard whereby they would break up with their girlfriend if she cheated on them. To me they simply shouldn’t kid themselves that the relationship is exclusive in the first place. What do you think about ‘open-relationships’ as a solution to a chronic cheater? At least then everyone knows where they stand.
Thanks for the discussion… I’m enjoying your insights.
Sam
I definitely agree with Boo and yourself about keeping tabs on your partner. By doing so your lack of trust becomes clear and they may be more inclined to act in a way that you disapprove of. Although I may have been guilty of this some years ago, I have since realised that a healthy relationship is all about giving your partner freedom and letting them know how much you trust them by letting them have a great night out with their friends with no interruptions from the other half (I must say though, I still text my boyfriend a fair bit when he or I am out with other’s, but it’s certainly not so I can keep tabs!).
In response to your question, my answer is a definite YES. I would almost certainly rather have the knowledge that my partner was cheating. Imagine if you found out that a large part of your relationship had been a lie; it would certainly taunt me. Yes, it would take time to get over something like that, but I think in the long run it would make you a stronger person, who can deal with difficulties such as this. What are your thoughts on the subject?
Love x
Honestly, honesty is always the best answer
Life isn’t perfect though. People make mistakes and everyone deserves to know if they have been cheated on so that they can make an informed decision about their future. But every situation is different, so who knows.
I want to know what you think too.
Spill.
Hi guys,
Thanks for your insights Eva. I like what you said at the end about ‘making you a stronger person if you had to deal with something like that’. So many people wallow far too long over a relationship hiccup rather than using it to grow effectively. I just got added on Twitter by someone who has a ‘get your ex back’ style website, dedicated solely to getting your ex back. Whilst I admire that they are trying to help people at a sensitive time, actively getting an ex back (where things obviously weren’t working) is generally counter-productive to relationship happiness. hmm ok this wasn’t specifically relevant to your point but I’ve just been thinking about it.
Thanks for your comment too Miranda. Great points. It’s a nice ideal to think everyone can be perfect but you’re right, people do deserve some leeway for some genuine mistakes. I think it’s often when someone knows or thinks their partner will irrationally fly off the handle that they hold back information. If you have trust in your partner to react in a rational way to anything you tell them, then you’re right… Honesty definitely is the best answer.
Sam
All these points have been so insightful to me. I’m going through a hellish time as I was cheated on before but I have also cheated in the past. With the man of my dreams now (or so I thought)and I have raked and found things I shouldnt have seen like dating website member ship which he denied, messages from other women “still saying miss you sexy” but he is denying anything is going on. Opended a secret email account to do god knows what on weith these women he’s in touch with but I am the one who has issues and its none of my business.
Honesty is the best policy and if anyone cheats they think nothing of their partner if they continue the relationship.
I’m being made a big fool of but sometimes people cant just leave.
Hi Flo,
I wouldn’t say it’s none of your business but it does come down to either you trust this person or you don’t. If you don’t, well then that’s something completely separate for you to work on but if you do then any over-analysing of things he does is only going to sabotage your happiness in the relationship. Even the most faithful partner will have things (e-mails or messages from the opposite sex etc) that when taken out of context can make them seem deceitful.
You probably do want to talk over some of these feelings with your partner but as I mentioned in the above article, be wary of accusing him of things without any viable proof.
Thanks for your comment and please keep in touch.
Sam x
nice! helped me a lot
Thanks John, glad you liked it
Sam
hi Sam
my fiancee cheated on me for 2 years & i found out wen i was 5 months pregnant..that is last year(2008) june..i cant seem to forgive him..we had the perfect relationship…so it seemed at the time..he broke up with the girl he dated…and hes realy trying to gain back my trust but am the one holding back…everytime we ague the issue comes up again and again..its realy bad.
i need help because we have been together for 6 years & we have a beautiful little gal who is 6 months now..i dont want to loose him & this relationship
pliz help me Sam
Hey Candice, thanks for writing.
I can imagine it must have been tough finding out something like that when you were pregnant. I know it is easier said than done but if you have decided to stay in a relationship with this guy then it is imperative that you truly forgive him. As you say, as long as you hold resentment against him, it is always going to crop up in arguments.
There are many reasons why he may have cheated in the first place and none of those reasons particularly matter anymore. The fact that everything is now out in the open and he WANTS to be with you should allow you both to put the situation behind you. Having a child together is a huge bonding experience in itself but the issue of trusting him again does predominantly lie with you.
If you felt you had the perfect relationship before then you can most certainly get back to that state with a bit of cognitive reconditioning. Try to focus on those positive emotions whenever the anger regarding the infidelity starts to surface again.
Another article that might be useful to read can be found at the following link but please don’t hesitate to write again if you want any further resources or advice:
http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/05/cheating-partner-matter/
Sam x
My girlfriend had a dream she was mouthkissing a guy? How should I react?
I was schocked when she told me.
Hi,
This is a really interesting scenario and I actually bought a fascinating book called ‘Understanding Dreams’ by Nerys Dee last year to better understand myself what our dreams mean in reality.
To some degree our unconscious sleep patterns are influenced by our worries and desires but in your example, I would take it with a large pinch of salt. Even if it was a specific guy she was dreaming about, dreams are far too vague to take literally and that particular dream could have a magnitude of different causes.
The only time you have to worry is when an unconscious thought (or a dream) steps over into CONSCIOUS thought and you start to recognise that she is actually having some of these desires for real. The fact that she even told you about this dream strengthens the fact that you should casually laugh this off.
Thanks for the comment,
Sam
Good article. I’ve been with my partner for 15 months now and I still continuously struggle to cope with her getting attention on Facebook & Nights out. We rarely go out clubbing together as we have seperate friendship groups, and I think this adds fuel to the fire, especially because she tends to drink quite heavily and from time to time becomes unaware of her surroundings and actions. Sometimes it’s just difficult to realise your partner is with you through choice.
Hi,
These are feelings that I’m sure a lot of guys can relate to. You sum up the point perfectly though that the grand solution is “to realise that your partner is with you through choice”.
‘Being the best option’ is primarily about having the right mindset rather than having the best physical or external attributes and assets. If you truly believe that you are the best option (without being arrogant) then your girlfriend will continually want to ‘choose’ you, regardless of attention she may be getting online or on nights out.
Excessive alcohol consumption is a separate issue and I would always recommend making sure that she has a good group of friends around her to look after her if she ever does drink too much on a night out.
Thanks for commenting,
Sam
Hey Sam,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and a month now. We are absolutely perfect for each other, we do everything and anything for each other. On my end I make sure to offer her the up-most respect so she never feels “not good enough.” I tell her how beautiful she is EVERY day, I don’t look at other girls when I’m with her, I look her in the eyes when we talk. It’s just to show her how much I love her and not just say it. Sometimes with out realizing it she kinda does the opposite for me. When we stand around and talk she will be looking around everywhere (mainly at other passing guys) if someone comes in to the room she’ll look at him a few times and I kinda get upset (not tell her though). She’s gotten better about it because we tell each other when something bugs but it still bothers me when she does it and I want to know how to deal with it. Its more of a “I put my full attention to you so why can’t you do it for me?” maybe because she is a girl and that’s just their nature? We’re about to go off to college together and I just want to make sure I do everything perfect to never loose her. We’ve already talked about life plans and it just seems like a fairy tale to come true. Thanks
JB
Hey,
It’s great that your relationship is so perfect, that you both seem so happy and that you can freely discuss with each other anything that bugs you.
Whilst it is wonderful to show your girlfriend that you respect, love and admire her, it is possible to go too far or subconsciously demand too much, which actually dilutes the effect.
Things such as your girlfriend looking around or seeming distracted whilst you are together in all likelihood has no real significance with regards to how much she likes you or how invested in the relationship she is. It would be unproductive to force her to change a behavioural trait such as that without an express desire on her behalf.
Your relationship sounds great and I’m sure if you concentrate on doing the things she enjoys and responds well to, whilst ignoring any trivial things that don’t directly affect the relationship, it will be long and fulfilling.
Thanks for writing,
Sam
i love this! could you do one on “ways to see if your partner is cheating” y’know little tell-tale signs
love,
Yemen xxxxxxx
Hi,
Thanks for the suggestion; I shall add it to my list of future topics. In the meantime, you can check out some of the “related posts” that are linked immediately after the above article. They discuss other facets of the same topic.
Sam
me and my girlfriend are together since 3 yrs and relation ship was going too good for both of us until 2 months ago when i realized that she no more calls me and texts me of and on like she used to do it ..i also ignored it and thought as i am also busy in work and dont call her too much and may be that is why she is not calling that much coz of my lack of communication..but later on i just opened her email by cracking password just to know whats the issue..i found out in sent mail there were some pics of my gf sent to an old friend of her and a text msg ” MISS U “..i had already asked her not to have any contact with that man coz he was such a bad person and we both were in agreement on that point.she not only sent her pics but she also did nt tell me about that..even after i found out about this pics thing i asked her gently if she has any contact with persons i asked her not to contact and she said no..then i disclosed every thing i knew with proof…but she persists he is just a friend..but my point is why did she agree not to contact with guy earlier on when i asked her not to contact him she could have told me earlier that she will contact that guy if she wants to..that means either she is lying now or she was lying earlier..i think she is cheating on me..plz advise me..
Hi Fari,
There are several points to address in what you wrote and as counter-intuitive as it may seem, the issue concerning this other guy that your girlfriend has been in contact with is the least significant. It is the product rather than the cause.
If you think back over the last few months, try and pinpoint the sort of behavioural changes in the relationship that may have led to these forms of distrust, deceit and even not wanting to call each other as much anymore.
If you have a browse around the website, there are several other articles that address these issues and how to keep a relationship continually fulfilling. As a general rule though, a woman will only purposefully hide information from you if she thinks you will react in a bad way or judge her actions. Her thought process probably wasn’t a calculated one intending to hurt you, but more as a consequence of you implying that she can’t be in contact with whom she wants to be, along with the relationship perhaps not being as exciting and fulfilling as it could be at the moment.
Evidence that she has been contacting another man secretly does not automatically mean she is cheating. It is how you react, deal with and progress the relationship from here that will be the defining factor as to whether she does do anything untoward in your relationship.
If you start thinking back to how you both were in the relationship during positive times over the last three years, then you can start trying to recreate those sorts of attitudes.
It will have to start with you accepting that she may want to communicate with other guys but you should encourage her to be more open with you, without any repercussions. If this is done correctly, she should never feel the need to lie to you and you should never feel the need to check her emails.
It is impossible to respectfully control who your girlfriend wants to communicate with but you can control why she would want to. Using some of the advice from the above article, you want to get back to concentrating on what’s important in the relationship, which is being the best boyfriend you can be, and stop any instances of control and mistrust before they escalate too far.
All the best and thanks for writing,
Sam
hmm yeah i my self also thought that may b the way i am going to keep her away from those ppl is kinda weired …may b i should do it in more sensible way and then she should also understand my point…Sam it was a real nice relation ship and i want to shape up things back again..she also felt her mistake and called me today but didn’t said a word about being sorry.how should i now proceed keeping in mind that she doesnt contact those guys in future..and yes u were right its a product some where i was being too rigid..
now at this point what should i exactly do when she is kinda irritated and does not wana say sorry but i know she feels bad about what she did.how should i gain her trust and make her understand that contact wid those guys is not in her interest..
thanks a lot for ur enlightenment
Hi again,
I wouldn’t dwell too much on whether she specifically said sorry or not. Although she shouldn’t have specifically hidden stuff from you, she may not think she did anything that wrong, or at least that it was done in your best interest.
The point is that her not contacting these other guys should be completely her decision and not yours. If you restrict or disrespect her own judgement, she is only going to resent it.
Although it may be hard to put your own feelings on the matter aside, ultimately the only thing you can do is express rational reasons why this other guy might be “bad” for her but tell her that you trust her judgement and then encourage her to be more open with you.
For the time being, I would suggest forgetting about the whole incident and concentrating on making the relationship fun and endearing once more. Coincidently, this is actually the way that she is going to respect your wishes and opinion a lot more, rather than feeling forced or controlled into not speaking to certain people.
Take care,
Sam
hi name sake,
As a general rule though, a woman will only purposefully hide information from you if she thinks you will react in a bad way or judge her actions.
Im in a 4yrs relatnship,n i met my girl a virgin bck in university,we datd 3yrs in sch n durin d first 2yrs i cheatd with 4diff girls n i told her afta d act..reasons were bcos she was Godli,n didnt wnt 2 loose her viginity until afta marriage,but she stil 4gav me,then in our 3rd yr she gav in2 my pleas of sex,n we started but d 4th yr,i once again cheatd on her n confessed,but she was so hurt dat she had plans on wat 2 do n didnt want to tell me,she cheatedd with a guy for a month n broke off with him b4 i knew,i had a friend who she didnt knw of dat observed d event den,so whn i askd y she didnt own up,she said she was scared of my reactn,wel now we r workin on our relatnship,n im now in good terms with God courtsey her advice, n we r both determind 2 serve him righteousli,so no sex,n we r workin on a futur 2geda…though we’v been hvin issues of finance,cos im not strong presentli in dat aspect,im stil jobhuntin but she’s employed in a bank here for abt a month now,few weeks bck we had an issue of finance n didnt communicat for som tim,whn i called her so we can resolv d issue,she responded…..but she says now dat she’s numb abt her feelings for me n shes confused…..then i got her to talk more abt d happenings @ work cos she workin in a faraway state from wher i am residin..her collegue approachd her with courtship to marriage offer and she told him she’s in a commited relationship but she owned up 2 me dat she’s attracted to him but i shud not panic cos she’l tak car of d situation,but im seriousli worried cos when she cheated on me it all started like dis but d difference is den she had d motive of hurtin me n she never told me she was attracted to him,but now she says she’s attracted to dis guy but will control herslf n remain focus,dat i shud trust her…..n i shud also giv her time to cool off d pressure n be convinced of wat she feels for me,cos @ dis stage she’s confused not becos of d new guy but bcos of series of challenges we have had to go thru….can u advice me on dis issue??
And Sam i also want u to undastnd dat in our 4yrs i can bit my chest and say,she is not a male,sex and money freak….but afta she cheated,i find it difficult to trust her around guys she’s close with n dis mental torture increases bcos she also said she is confused n numb abt her feelings for me,but yet she declined we breakin up cos accordin to her it wont solve d problem,only dat i should be patience with her n give her time…dat she feel we will be stronger if she can rediscover d feelings again..wat shud i do???
Hi,
Your comment touches on a whole host of relationship issues. Rather than working on certain areas of the relationship whilst other areas still suffer, the best thing you can do is have a clean slate and take the relationship back to basics. Start acting like the attractive, confident version of you that your girlfriend clearly desires.
I personally don’t think there should ever be strict regulations put on a relationship. If a couple communicate well and react dutifully to each other’s non-verbal communication then the relationship can adapt accordingly. I do understand however that personal beliefs and religion can impose strict regulations and that is something you just have to work with.
The whole issue of who cheated and why they cheated is also best put in the past. Start agreeing on how you want the relationship to be NOW and start acting accordingly. That includes being faithful to each other. If you want to sleep with other people or change aspects of your sex-life then that is fine, but only if you discuss it maturely beforehand!
As the above article discusses, there is only one way to prevent your girlfriend from going off with another man and it is all completely within your control!
Regards,
Sam
Sam,
Hapi NY…..pls i need clerification on this issue…my partner cheated on me with her collegue at work,n this is the second time she has cheated on me in space of 7months.
I 4gave her,but the truth is i sensed the last treat and tried to avoid it but she told me that she’s goin to handle it her way,only for her to succumb to the guy’s plea. Now i dont trust d guy around her and i told her to always tell me things that happens between her and the guy outside work…i knw she cant avoid him completely bcos dey work together bt there shudnt be any personal discussion again…..and if there is,then she shud let me knw abt it.cos we r experiencing a long distance relationship now,so if she tell me tins truthfully then i will be sure all is well.
Is it a bad tin?
Hi,
If someone in a relationship has cheated then in order for there to be trust again, you both have to recognise the changes in attitude that must occur. Your girlfriend has to know that she can’t disrespect the relationship like before.
The work colleague isn’t actually a factor if the above changes take place. If your girlfriend genuinely wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you then you must let her know what is and is not acceptable to you. In the short term, being more open and detailed about her activities, feelings and desires will give you a better idea of how sincere she is being.
Removing a physical temptation (the work colleague in this case) does not remove the inclination, so concentrate on improving the relationship from the ground up, rather than focusing on damage control.
All the best,
Sam
Hi Sam! My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We met while I was going through a divorce. It started as friends and then evolved into the most incredible love I’ve ever experienced! He’s only been in one other serious relationship and was cheated on, and so he’s always been so jealous. I hate that because I grew up with brothers and have always had a lot of guy friends, but I learned to deal with it because he’s worth it to me. All of his friends love me, and his family is a dream come true!! But lately he’s been disappearing a lot and wanting to go out more with the boys and then not answering the phone until 3am when he wants me to pick him up. We both partied a lot before we met, but settled down almost immediately when we got serious so this has had me a little concerned. Finally one night I couldn’t take it so I found him at a club and wouldn’t you know he was there with this girl he used to mess around with before we met and this girl has a BAD reputation. I had heard her name long before I even met my bf. she claims he said he was single, but he denies the hell out of it. Then the other night when I had to pick him up at 3am and the whole ride home he was telling me how much he loved me and wants to get married and have kids. Then he passed out when we got home and I couldn’t help but look at his phone. He had been trying to meet up with her. I confronted them both and they both swear nothing’s going on. He says “I’ve been cheated on and it’s something I’d never do to anyone. I love YOU!” I don’t know what to do or what to think! I’m 28 and ready to be married and have a family, and I want that with him because of how perfect we can be! But I don’t want to get hurt either!
Hi Ashley,
It is understandable that you might have confused thoughts and suspicions after the incidents you have described. That doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything ominous going on but it does mean that you should discuss the recent changes in the relationship with your boyfriend.
Having been together for two years, you should be able to calmly and maturely discuss how certain incidents make you feel and get him to talk about some of his recent lifestyle choices. Ultimately, you want to make sure that you both still want the same things and are both happy in the relationship at the moment.
The main things to take extra care about are not coming across as biased or judgemental. If he is genuinely just friends with this other girl then that is fine, but let him know how you actually want to be treated with regards to honesty and openness, not as a threat but as an independent, personal standard.
It is likely that all of these behaviours are the result of how the relationship has conditioned both of you, especially regarding your boyfriend’s past jealousy. For a relationship to have a future you can have parts of your social life that are separate, but those separate social lives should still compliment the life you want to share together, without any secrecy or reason for suspicions.
All the best and thanks for writing,
Sam