The ONLY way to prevent your partner cheating
Being cheated on, or the FEAR of being cheated on is one of the primary crutches in a relationship, and ultimately destroys a number of them. I personally have never cheated on a girlfriend and to the best of my knowledge, have never been cheated on either… but that’s not to say that the irrational fear of someday being cheated on occasionally crops up with me too. First I am going to list a couple of instinctual techniques that both men and women frequently use as clear tactics to settle these fears of cheating. I will explain why each one is not the best course of action and then reveal to you the ONLY way you can prevent your partner cheating on you… 
First, what to try and avoid doing…
Keeping tabs on your partner:
This is a really common one. I remember a few years back when I was out with some old friends for a ‘lad’s night out’. Obviously, any girlfriends were politely not invited and all was set for an epic, fun night in our favourite nightspots. One of my friends (who I shall call John for the sake of privacy) was a confident and intelligent guy, who had acquired himself a seemingly lovely girlfriend and they were now in their first year of living together.
Well, an hour in to our night on the town, with the drinks already flowing faster than a drunken man urinating behind a police station, John tries to subtly function his phone under the table. This obviously does not go unnoticed amongst a tipsy and boisterous group of men. After a few demands that John reveals the bearer of his trans-communication attention and a few sarcastic jokes that he’s ‘under the thumb’ with his missis, John sheepishly shows us the rather blunt text message; “Where are you? Who are you with? You better be thinking of me at home”. After a quick-fire evolvement to the previous under the thumb jokes, everyone got back to the night, drinking and laughing jovially, dismissing John’s possessive enquiry.
Well as the night went on, it seemed every thirty minutes at most John was dashing off to answer his phone or replying to a barrage of texts from home. Every time I got a chance to ask him what’s up, he would reply “ah, it’s just the missis checking up on me”.
The point of this story is to highlight the difference between taking an interest in your partner’s life and keeping tabs on them. This story, although an exaggerated version, occurs not just with one or two of my coupled friends, but with the MAJORITY of ones with a girlfriend or boyfriend that has even the slightest degree of insecurities. Everyone knows that a key element to a healthy relationship is trust, so try to live by it. If you find yourself in a similar position, about to fire off a probing text or the equivalent, take a moment to rephrase it in a way that portrays genuine interest rather than suspicion.
Acting weird, jealous or overbearing when your partner mentions someone of the opposite sex:
I have to confess that this is something I have been guilty of in the past and although I even now sometimes get these feelings when my girlfriend talks enthusiastically about another guy, it only takes me a few moments to rationalise it as non-threatening. If this really is an issue for you, take note of HOW your partner brings up these other people: is it essential to the natural conversations of their life, or are they actually holding back more sinister details; it will normally be fairly obvious if they are but don’t be hasty with accusations.
If your partner is mentioning someone else, even if it seems constant, 99% of the time you have nothing to worry about. The times you genuinely have to worry is when they are actively NOT telling you about the other people they are seeing, skipping over important details to what they have been doing, or you inadvertently find out some sinister information from a third-party.
Accusing your partner of cheating without any viable proof:
This is probably the best way to actually PUSH your partner into cheating. Accusing them of cheating without any viable proof displays the ultimate lack of trust and illustrates what you really think of them. Contempt for trust is one of the two reasons why someone would actively cheat on their partner. If you really suspect they are cheating, dig a little deeper without doing anything detrimental to the relationship before even THINKING of confronting your partner.
I had a friend a number of years ago who somehow got access to his girlfriend’s e-mail and was checking it almost daily to try and discover proof of her infidelity. Well all this suspicion was no doubt crossing over in to how he treated and communicated with her in real life until she actually ended up cheating on him! As fate would have it, he found out via her e-mail and was actually OVERJOYYED that he now had proof and could confirm his distrust. Whilst on this example, simply checking your partner’s e-mail or phone or anything else also shows a distinct lack of trust and contempt for their privacy and if you ever find yourself doing this, you should ask yourself why you feel the need to!
Trying to make your partner jealous to ‘get one over’ on them:
This is something I witness time and time again, often between couples in high-pressure social situations where alcohol can also be a factor. Whilst mild jealousy is a well-recognised technique in creating attraction with someone new of the opposite sex, in a long-term relationship it is simply disrespectful!
I actually think harmless flirting with other people is a healthy thing even when you’re in a relationship, as it keeps your personality fresh and attractive. You must obey the boundaries of what is too much though, whilst also respecting your partner’s feelings.
Not letting go of the past:
Ok, so it may be likely that you have been cheated on in the past… but remember that it is the PAST and it has no influence on whether your current partner will treat you the same way, unless you make it so!
Deal with your own trust issues first before transposing them to your partner.
And now for the only way to prevent your partner from cheating…
The ONLY way to prevent your partner from cheating:
Be the best option available!
It sounds simple but as long as you are actively trying to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend you can be, your partner will always want to be with you. As long as you are wholeheartedly trying to fulfil all of your partner’s physical, emotional and growth needs, they will never want or need to look elsewhere.
Not only do you want to strive to be the best option available, you want to BELIEVE it too. Try to avoid becoming arrogant though or degrade other suitors. When you actually believe you are the best boyfriend or girlfriend, you won’t actually see other people as competition and therefore you will never get jealous.
In a follow-up post I will detail exactly how you ensure you are the best option available… there are ten key factors.
Much love,
Sam
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Oooh! Sammy I love this article. As someone who has been the cheater, the cheatee, the cheatah;), and the i-finally-found-the-perfect-relationship girl, I think I’d like to comment.
Sooo I agree that keeping tabs and nagging your partner is a horrible idea. STORYTIME! Ricky went to a strip club the other day… and called me before, during, and after he left. Yeah, he called me, not the other way around. I kept assuring him that it was totally fine, and that he should have fun– but all his friends were either getting in trouble with their girlfriends or they were being secretive and just not telling them. See, I didn’t bug my guy by calling/texting him every five minutes, and he declined a lap dance from a very naked girl! I think that the more freedom you give your partner, the more they will appreciate you and keep track of themselves so that you don’t have to.
Unless you’re dating a jackass.
… But if you’re dating a guy (or girl) with a brain, give them the respect they deserve and they’ll return the favor.
Lub,
Boo
ps- I NEED TO KNOW the ten key factors to ensure I’m the best option available, now!
Thanks for your comment Bennyboo! Love your insights. I definitely agree that allowing freedom to your partner makes them respect you more and want to be honorable towards you.
Turning down a lapdance though… that boy’s got some will power!! 
Unfortunately a lot of people do date ‘jackasses’ for a variety of reasons, where this sort of approach wouldn’t be so rewarding. What would you suggest to them?
Oh and you don’t have to worry about the follow-up article… you cover most of the ten things already… most
Thanks again for commenting,
Sam
PS: On a somewhat related note, this got me thinking… If your partner had cheated on you, would you rather know or is it a case of ‘ignorance is bliss’? I’d be interested to hear people’s honest opinions on this.
Dear junk mail, aka spam:),
I’ve thought about that a lot. I think personally, I would want to know if I had been cheated on. I think knowing is the tried and true way to find out if your relationship is real… your partner is telling you the truth, is probably very remorseful, and obviously cares about you if he hasn’t taken that opportunity to break up with you, and you have the choice to forgive him.
But can you make a general recommendation for this? I think it’s different for everyone. I think some people might react so strongly that it would be better for them not to know… and if the cheater is truly sorry, then maybe ignorance IS bliss.
Hmmm.
-C
Hi,
I do agree with you. However, I’ve always felt that if someone cheats in a relationship (as the above article heads towards) is that it is because of something not right in the relationship, in which case should it end anyway? My point being that if the relationship is as perfect as can be, would anyone cheat?
On the flipside, if someone has confessed (without any external push) and it is sincere, then they are probably less likely to cheat again than someone who keeps schtum and realises they can get away with it.
I have a few friends who do cheat on their girlfriends yet live by a complete double-standard whereby they would break up with their girlfriend if she cheated on them. To me they simply shouldn’t kid themselves that the relationship is exclusive in the first place. What do you think about ‘open-relationships’ as a solution to a chronic cheater? At least then everyone knows where they stand.
Thanks for the discussion… I’m enjoying your insights.
Sam
I definitely agree with Boo and yourself about keeping tabs on your partner. By doing so your lack of trust becomes clear and they may be more inclined to act in a way that you disapprove of. Although I may have been guilty of this some years ago, I have since realised that a healthy relationship is all about giving your partner freedom and letting them know how much you trust them by letting them have a great night out with their friends with no interruptions from the other half (I must say though, I still text my boyfriend a fair bit when he or I am out with other’s, but it’s certainly not so I can keep tabs!).
In response to your question, my answer is a definite YES. I would almost certainly rather have the knowledge that my partner was cheating. Imagine if you found out that a large part of your relationship had been a lie; it would certainly taunt me. Yes, it would take time to get over something like that, but I think in the long run it would make you a stronger person, who can deal with difficulties such as this. What are your thoughts on the subject?
Love x
Honestly, honesty is always the best answer
Life isn’t perfect though. People make mistakes and everyone deserves to know if they have been cheated on so that they can make an informed decision about their future. But every situation is different, so who knows.
I want to know what you think too.
Spill.
Hi guys,
Thanks for your insights Eva. I like what you said at the end about ‘making you a stronger person if you had to deal with something like that’. So many people wallow far too long over a relationship hiccup rather than using it to grow effectively. I just got added on Twitter by someone who has a ‘get your ex back’ style website, dedicated solely to getting your ex back. Whilst I admire that they are trying to help people at a sensitive time, actively getting an ex back (where things obviously weren’t working) is generally counter-productive to relationship happiness. hmm ok this wasn’t specifically relevant to your point but I’ve just been thinking about it.
Thanks for your comment too Miranda. Great points. It’s a nice ideal to think everyone can be perfect but you’re right, people do deserve some leeway for some genuine mistakes. I think it’s often when someone knows or thinks their partner will irrationally fly off the handle that they hold back information. If you have trust in your partner to react in a rational way to anything you tell them, then you’re right… Honesty definitely is the best answer.
Sam
All these points have been so insightful to me. I’m going through a hellish time as I was cheated on before but I have also cheated in the past. With the man of my dreams now (or so I thought)and I have raked and found things I shouldnt have seen like dating website member ship which he denied, messages from other women “still saying miss you sexy” but he is denying anything is going on. Opended a secret email account to do god knows what on weith these women he’s in touch with but I am the one who has issues and its none of my business.
Honesty is the best policy and if anyone cheats they think nothing of their partner if they continue the relationship.
I’m being made a big fool of but sometimes people cant just leave.
Hi Flo,
I wouldn’t say it’s none of your business but it does come down to either you trust this person or you don’t. If you don’t, well then that’s something completely separate for you to work on but if you do then any over-analysing of things he does is only going to sabotage your happiness in the relationship. Even the most faithful partner will have things (e-mails or messages from the opposite sex etc) that when taken out of context can make them seem deceitful.
You probably do want to talk over some of these feelings with your partner but as I mentioned in the above article, be wary of accusing him of things without any viable proof.
Thanks for your comment and please keep in touch.
Sam x
nice! helped me a lot
Thanks John, glad you liked it
Sam
hi Sam
my fiancee cheated on me for 2 years & i found out wen i was 5 months pregnant..that is last year(2008) june..i cant seem to forgive him..we had the perfect relationship…so it seemed at the time..he broke up with the girl he dated…and hes realy trying to gain back my trust but am the one holding back…everytime we ague the issue comes up again and again..its realy bad.
i need help because we have been together for 6 years & we have a beautiful little gal who is 6 months now..i dont want to loose him & this relationship
pliz help me Sam
Hey Candice, thanks for writing.
I can imagine it must have been tough finding out something like that when you were pregnant. I know it is easier said than done but if you have decided to stay in a relationship with this guy then it is imperative that you truly forgive him. As you say, as long as you hold resentment against him, it is always going to crop up in arguments.
There are many reasons why he may have cheated in the first place and none of those reasons particularly matter anymore. The fact that everything is now out in the open and he WANTS to be with you should allow you both to put the situation behind you. Having a child together is a huge bonding experience in itself but the issue of trusting him again does predominantly lie with you.
If you felt you had the perfect relationship before then you can most certainly get back to that state with a bit of cognitive reconditioning. Try to focus on those positive emotions whenever the anger regarding the infidelity starts to surface again.
Another article that might be useful to read can be found at the following link but please don’t hesitate to write again if you want any further resources or advice:
http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/05/cheating-partner-matter/
Sam x
My girlfriend had a dream she was mouthkissing a guy? How should I react?
I was schocked when she told me.
Hi,
This is a really interesting scenario and I actually bought a fascinating book called ‘Understanding Dreams’ by Nerys Dee last year to better understand myself what our dreams mean in reality.
To some degree our unconscious sleep patterns are influenced by our worries and desires but in your example, I would take it with a large pinch of salt. Even if it was a specific guy she was dreaming about, dreams are far too vague to take literally and that particular dream could have a magnitude of different causes.
The only time you have to worry is when an unconscious thought (or a dream) steps over into CONSCIOUS thought and you start to recognise that she is actually having some of these desires for real. The fact that she even told you about this dream strengthens the fact that you should casually laugh this off.
Thanks for the comment,
Sam