I came across this page because I am in am awkward situation…my gut and my brain are telling me two different things…

I have been dating this girl for over a year now…we have been “official” from around month 4 until about month 10 but now are not “official” I guess you could say

I don’t consider myself a jealous guy… And I felt like I was reassured of that while reading your responses…however, I’ve become very guarded in my relationship

at the beginning of our relationship she still had her ex bf making contact with her…she said it would eventually phase out but it would be hard cause he doesn’t give up…I let it go for a few months but I always suggested that she not keep the door open for him to contact her, like pick up his phone calls and such…she said that he was no good for her but it was hard to just stop a relationship and she would always say that I am who she needs…I was always with her on the weekends and talked to her every night so I didn’t think she was seeing him…as time went there was a point in which she became distant and I gave her space and one day by coincidence I went out and saw her out and her ex was talking to her in the same place…I thought something was going on so I stopped talking to her…she constantly called me and tried to explain that it was a coincidence and to prove it that she would block his number and any communication…I trusted her and was able to regroup from this

a few months down the road she got to the point where she started going out with friends and started making a lot of guy friends…she always got hit on via social sites and when we went out, but I didt think it was appropriate that she would exchange phone number with these guys who she says are now just her friends…she has become close to them and often gets a lot of favors and hangs out with them a lot but I never meet them or commingle with them…it came to a point where she would no longer show that she was in a relationship…she wouldn’t put picture of us up on her social sites, but she would put picture of her with her guy friends…and she would go out with them and not invite me…I thought it was very disrespectful so I stopped talking to her…she would still try to communicate with me and says she misses me and sends me pictures and asks to hang out but I would steer away…I was obviously still into her but it was hard to accept the way she was…after about a month or two of not seeing her and talking very little we got close again by talking things out and remembering the good times…so I gave in and hung out with her again…we reconnected and we talk all the time like we use to but I barely ever get to see her…last week she was admitted to the hospital for an ectopic surgery, where an egg gets stuck in the Fallopians, and she had them removed…I didn’t question her on who the pregancy was from because she said it was mine…but we have only been sexual once over the past two and a half months….I have been talking to her and around to help her for her recovery but every time I try to see her she doesn’t follow through with her plans…she won’t commit to anything and she still tells me about certain guy friends who she let’s help her out…I keep having the feeling that she is doing to me what she did to her ex by letting me be around and not cutting off communication and that she might be seeing one of these guys…I don’t know how to confront the situation at this point because I feel like if I’m making a big deal out of nothing and she is going through this emotional thing from the surgery it will make it worse for her but I can’t help feeling that another guy might be involved

I’ve been dating a wonderful girl since mid-December 2011. She has alot of qualities I look for in a person (on the outside and on the inside). But there is ONE big problem…she has been putting guys in my face since we started dating. (My rule going into this relationship was NO talk of exes, and especially no name dropping or details that would make them “identifiable”. So I assure you I did not start this pattern, although at one point I got fed up and mentioned 3 exes, but with little details.)

I have kept count and its now been 26 different guys now that she has mentioned in some way to seemingly make me jealous or boost her own ego (ie. “he said I have the best body ever”, “he asked me out”, “he is hot”, “he is so sweet”, “we were close”, etc .bla bla bla). Although she has occasionally dropped names, social status, and identifiable details in a random careless way, what bothers me most is that she often does so out of spite, to hurt me when she is feeling hurt or frustrated by something. I have asked, begged, for WEEKS for her to stop dropping names and it isnt stopping. Today, she is off to see the taping of a show that is hosted by a guy with whom she said she shared something a few years ago. Also today, she randomly sent me a text when she was feeling mad that “some guy on my Facebook friend list asked her out, and I guess its karma” she said. She also recently told me about a “hot golfer who is also a model” (she seems to attach superior importance to guys with celeb status) and worst of all I found a message from her to a famous rock drummer telling him a few weeks ago that she was pissed off (at me I guess) and wish she could sleep with him because she felt she earned it. Granted, I found this message because I looked at her FB messages when her browser was left open…but still I only did this because of the amount of guys she had put in my face up to this point and didnt seem interested in stopping. To further make me insecure, she had left pictures with 2 different exes on her fridge, until I finally asked about those 2-3 weeks into dating eachother. She has also kept in touch and confided to ex boyfriends, and keeps couple pictures of them on Facebook. I had done my own housekeeping (closure) before I met her so there were no pictures to stumble upon at my place or on Facebook.

She says I always get mad but fails to see how her behavior of carelessly torturing me with “other guys” is nourishing this spiral, destroying our relationship AND my own self-assurance! I’m starting to be severely depressed because I have tried everything to make her understand how it makes me feel yet it still seems more important for her to tell me how desired she is by the men population than to have a quality relationship with me, and do what needs to be done to rebuild my trust.

The odd thing too is that she is very good (so she says) at telling guys “no” and that she has a boyfriend. Yet, knowing that the moment she is mad at me she will threaten to go out with some other guy (a long list of candidates await), or that she will behind my back contact someone to get even (instead of talking about her feelings with me)….makes me wonder how much I can trust her.

Please tell me how I can save this relationship and if there is anything I can do. I dont want to be a jealous guy but at the same time I am not finding her very respectful or taking responsibility for how she is making sure that this relationship will NOT work.

Sincerely,
Star

Thanks for reading through the discussions.

I just checked the website database and it looks like Jake is not subscribed to the comments of this article, so it is unlikely that he will see your response and questions.

I am happy to give any insights into your questions if you would like. It does sound like you are on a similar wavelength to Jake with regards to being aware of how people are acting in social environments and striving to act with confidence in your relationship. There is a small chance that Jake will read your comment even though he isn’t subscribed, so hopefully you two will be able to discuss your respective situations.

Take care,

Sam

I find the conversation you two have had to be incredibly helpful. Jake, I must say can relate to your post in numerous ways and was glad that you articulated your thoughts so clearly in your discussion with Sam. You give an impression of confidence checked with periodic humble reflection – very admirable.

A few questions… Jake, I was wondering how you feel when your girlfriend/wife meets other men who also happen to have very attractive/intelligent/engaging partners. Do you feel more at ease in those situations knowing that this man already has a great girl and is likely just having a friendly chat? I think it’s only natural to have a ‘radar’ for other guys hitting on your partner, but there certainly is a line between unconditional desire to protect and unhealthy jealousy. It sounds like you are on the right side of the line.
Secondly, how do you feel about your girlfriend exchanging contact information with these men? Do you think she knows that they are after more or is oblivious until they make it clear? Assuming that she is oblivious, how do you go about dealing with that?

Your situation sounds very similar to my own although the circles I’m in aren’t in the same ‘class’ realm that you frequent, but certainly the level of afluence and confidence is high. I do sympathize with you because I can imagine that in situations where other men of high status are present, their could be a lack of respect that is related the need for ego quenching or rooted from poor core values or virtue on their part.

Would love to hear your thoughts on how things have unfolded seeing as how this post is a few years old. The advice and thoughts from both Sam and you have been very helpful and I hope you have some energy to provide more.

Justin

When someone starts seeing workmates in a social setting, it is sometimes difficult to know when a business relationship is becoming too affection. This is especially true if there is a hierarchy between the individuals, as any false assumptions can have far greater repercussions back at work.

As it stands, I wouldn’t worry too much as it sounds like your girlfriend is aware of what is going on and merely wants to make a good impression. It works in your favour that you are on good terms with her boss and I would recommend keeping that friendship whilst he hasn’t done anything overtly wrong.

All you need to do is concentrate on staying level-headed and being an awesome boyfriend. The fact that you don’t work directly with each other also works in your favour as you can be her release from any stresses at work. I wouldn’t focus on her relationship with her boss too much other than the things you have already discussed with her.

Whether her boss has ulterior motives or not is unclear at the moment, but I am fairly sure your girlfriend would know when that line has been crossed. That line will perhaps be more blurred than usual due to the work dynamic and not wanting to damage any karma in the workplace but it does still exist.

All the best and thanks for reading the website,

Sam

I stumbled onto your post because of a recent situation that has been developing between my new love interest and her boss at work. My girl and I met where we both work together, but in different departments, and have started seeing alot of each other for about a month. The relationship is still fairly new, but we both see it having the potential to go further.

She was recently promoted by her department’s boss who I am familiar with and respect as a good guy. However, he just broke up with his long-term girlfriend and has started showing more interest in my girl. I didn’t let it bother me at first because I figured he was trying to help her understand her new job and she says that he is just a friend that she trusts.

Well the other night she called me on the phone to tell me about her bad day at work. She made a mistake while training for her new job and was being very hard on herself. After encouraging her, she admitted that she had just gotten back from drinking at a bar after work to let off some steam. I had a feeling that she did not go alone, so I asked her she went with. She reluctantly told me her boss had asked her to get drinks after work and they met at a local restaurant that I had just taken her to a few days earlier. According to her, they talked about her job and her future at the company for a couple hours. I had called her around that time to see about her day but she didn’t answer my phone call because she was with him.

I did not get upset at her, but let her know that the situation seemed potentially dangerous for her job considering the nature of their relationship at work. If it was another coworker, it could be different, but it is her direct supervisor who promoted her and now is taking her out for drinks. He also knows that we are dating and likes me, he thinks I’m a “great guy” and has told her that I’m the kind of guy he’d want his sisters to date. On the surface, this seems like a harmless relationship between my girl and her boss. But I can’t shake the feeling of something else brewing here. She says that she is not attracted to him, and I think she is telling the truth because physically and emotionally, we are way more compatible. Still, she respects his opinion of her alot and wants to please him by doing her best at work and when shes around him. I told her that she just needed to be careful, because things happen very fast, and I wouldn’t want her job to be in jeopardy because she put herself in a vulnerable situation. She asked me to trust her, and that she “knows when guys are hitting on her”, and he was just being very nice and trying to help her.

Yet they are texting each other at work and outside of work, and he’s asked her out to lunch and drinks before with another colleague, but this was the first instance of a one-on-one meeting outside of the workplace. I am very confident about my feelings towards her, and also hers towards me. I feel it is too early in our relationship to act possessive, but she doesn’t see her time spent with her boss as a problem. She is a very nice girl who is very attractive and other guys at work (not her boss) have hit on her and she has rejected them. However, she can be naive and too trusting when it comes to guys, and she may not see how this friend and mentor whom she trusts could use his position to make her feel comfortable and try to make a move.

Do you feel I have anything to be worried about here? How do I go forward without letting it ruin our relationship and still keep a happy face at work when I see them interacting? Your advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks,
David

There is usually a fine line between harmless flirting and physical inappropriateness. Of course a lot of this depends on the context of the situation and also how passive or one-sided the flirting was.

It is rare that a man will shamelessly overstep that boundary, but forcibly kissing someone’s girlfriend would certainly fall under that category.

Although your situation has gone a step further than some of the other comments above, the advice is similar. Confronting this guy or exasperating the situation rarely helps in the long run.

The best thing you can do is be the voice of reason in the relationship and help your girlfriend find her own way to get this guy to back off. It is usually fairly simple for a woman to achieve this once she recognises that it is in her best interest to do so, as long as she never feels chastised on her way to making that conclusion.

Thanks for reading the website,

Sam

I love your article however i have a question slightly different and wasnt completely covered. anyone else know anything also feel free to jump in. So about two or three weeks ago on new years, my girlfriend and I went to a party and at some point during the night i was side tracked and we were separated for about 30 minutes. After i found her again, she had told me a guy who had been creeping on her for about a year now tried to kiss her and pretty much did. she ran away after it had happened, and i said for him to stay away from her, however he doesnt to this day really listen. And being he tried twice on that nice to kiss her. He is also physically much larger than i am so i am not sure how to approach it.

thanks

There are several reasons why a girl would do something like that: validation, mixed emotions or perhaps even ulterior motives.

If you don’t want anything further to happen with this girl then simply phase out your replies. If you do then it is very easy to turn things around if she is already texting you lots. I wouldn’t worry yourself too much about her reasons for continually texting; simply lead the interactions towards the kind of relationship you want with this girl (be it friendship or something more).

Regards,

Sam