Now, that its been over 3 years now. She has lied to me a lot of time. I know she loves me but either I’m thinking she lied when she didnt, or she is actually lying. Some of the “for sure” lies are: I found 100 phone numbers of guys in her closet. That raises the question, if she wanted to keep those #’s why did she not say so to me? she scared? if shes scared, why would she even do it in the first place? well that happen in our 9 months.

Next lie: I had a feeling about this cousin of her’s, not really acting like how a cousin should. I understand hugging, grabbing arms, teasing by tickling and all that happens with brother/cousins. but I had a feeling it was way more. So, I waited. I would rarely going through the conversation, ask her bout him. Once I asked, “So hows your cousin brother?” she replied, “who?” I asked, “your cousin brother *his name*” She replies, “he’s not my brother, hes my cousin” Now, dsnt that ring a bell? i was surprised she said that, thinking if she does not consider her cousin her brother, then what does she consider him? But still I didnt do anything and forgot about him for a while. Then I have a habit to go through her computer, as I feel is the best way to find out what shes been upto. So I find her’s and his convo on msn, and I would not mention the whole convo but this is what pissed me off. He said, “don’t you want to try me?” and yes, he was talking about *sex*. Now, why would her own cousin say that. So, first thing I did was, confront her and asked her what is this. She had a surprised face and then went statue for few seconds. I was pissed off, as i have short temper, so i asked her not to talk to this guy again, because from what i read from the convo, it was her cousin who was the one trying to lead her to that inappropriate topic. She never talked back to him, as of what I know of and neither did she ever mentioned about him yet. I am trying to trust her.

Biggest lie: Now, this happen just before our 3 years. So, the situation goes like this. And I do believe that some of this is my fault too. I got my gf pregnant when she was just 18 by mistake obviously. We were always always careful but it happened somehow. So, obviously she can’t tell her parents and she didnt know she was pregnant for sure until her 12th or 13th week. So, it was a big problem. We talked many times over the phone (as I was not able to see her because of issues with my parents) and we came to conclusion that she should drop it and I said i was sorry and promised we would be much more careful. So, she next problem that came was that she needed money to get her abortion because she was in her 14th week now and she had no money. She took her money that she got for her dentist appointment from her mom (as I had no control over the situation and was unfortunate not to help my gf in any means at that time when she needed me the most). So she used that money for her abortion, but when she went there, they asked her to come again and bring another amount. Now, she needed double the money she had! She was freaking out because she needed it the next day, she didnt know how to get that much money so fast. She was crying and freaking out and honestly, I believe I was not at all supportive. You could say, I was the bad person overall. I kept yelling at her saying, she doing shit when she cried and freaked out. So, when she went for the 1st and was coming back. She talked to this guy and this guy was like. Please talk to me, I really like you. She told me everything. She told me how she took his number and how she is going to and feel like taking money from him, but shes gona return it to him later on. I was pissed off about her talking to a guy and then taking his number. As I am short tempered you can predict my reaction. Anyways, so we argued for a while, and instead of me supporting her in this difficult situation, I was accusing her and blaming her for doing shit for money and calling her “names.” So somehow she was able to get money from her mom and got her abortion done. Weeks passed, I said sorry to her for being an asshole. She forgived me. So, not a while passed and I was going to through her computer again. And I found a convo of some other email which wasn’t hers. Opened it and found out. Shes been in a long-distance relationship with this person since she got her abortion. I confronted her and believe me it was so pleasant for either of us. She actually showed off her body to him and talked about every possible sexual fantasy with him. When I confront her she was scared, surprised and statue. I started crying and was shivering. She tried holding me and kept saying sorry but I left her. she kept begging to be with me for over a month and I finally went back to her realizing that it was her fault only, it was mine as well.

That was our relationship problems. To tell you, my gf actually encourages me to be jealous and loves it. She wants me to tell her to stop anything that I don;t like. But I personally feel something is not working. I have hard time trusting her. Though shes doing her best now to give me her full trust. If I call her, she says, I’m at this place and I’ll take pictures for you. I say no its okay but she still takes pictures to prove it to me that shes there. I mean this girl really wants to be with me and I can see it. But looking at the past behaviors, it is kind of hard to believe, if shes like this for real or I am just a time pass kind of thing. My problem is, I am trying to trust her but I can’t. Not just because of her past behaviors but also because of me. I always wonder if I am triggering another “BOMB” inside of her that will make her cheat again. I seriously agree, when she cheated it was my fault as well, but this thing is eating me from inside. I don’t know how to act or what to do. I need help because I believe shes a very innocent girl who does not know the consequences of some things she does. I know she will grow out of her childhood soon and be more reasonable to things she does. She is being very mature about many things already. I believe she is the one. but I don’t want to make mistakes. I will move on if necessary, but I want to give our relationship one last try. I just don’t feel like dumping our 3 years of relationship so easily.

Can you suggest some things I could do keep her happy and yet avoid every possible threat to our relationship? Can you please tell me any issues/behaviors that I might have to work on? What is best and worst for our relationship?

Thank you, really appreciate it.

And Great article.

Your girlfriend seemingly hiding texts from you is probably still more influenced by the assumptions surrounding their relationship than the actual content of the messages.

You can ask her directly about the sort of things he texts her these days but make sure that you don’t sound accusatory or suspicious, or that she doesn’t interpret it that way at least. If she insists that the messages are private then casually enquire why she would hide anything from you. There is a fine line between coming across as jealous in such situations so be careful if you go down this route.

The whole thing comes back to your own relationship though. If you are both happy then ignore what this other guy is doing. It is only if you genuinely think that your girlfriend is becoming distant or contemptuous towards you that you need to find out the true nature of what they are messaging each other.

Take care,

Sam

Also, I thought that they texted less, but it has just become more secretive, which you mentioned. If he texts while i’m there, she will avoid opening the text or saying who it is and if he asks why she didn’t respond, she’ll say she was at work when she was with me.

“Her openness about their interactions is proportional to your mutual trust.” You wrote that regarding the matter. I did show him as a threat before I originally wrote you but have corrected my ways since March 7th, but she hide him before that.

My question is, should I be worried that she is hiding it? Should I talk to her?

The first thing to try and do is not affix any stereotypes to your relationship or anyone associated with it. For example, the fact that you are two years younger than your girlfriend is not an issue as long as you always act like it is not an issue. Also, the fact that this other guy is older and “ripped” does not change the situation at hand.

The last thing anyone wants in their place of work is drama, so it is definitely best that you don’t get directly involved unless your girlfriend specifically asks you to. There are ways to criticise this other guy’s behaviour without sounding jealous, threatened or angry. The main thing is that you tackle this situation with the aim of making your girlfriend more comfortable, rather than making yourself more comfortable.

Discuss with your girlfriend which aspects of this guy’s behaviour she thinks are inappropriate and ways she can stop him doing it without causing any drama. Try to be as unbiased as you can when you discuss these topics, so she knows you have her best interests at heart.

Other than that, have trust in your girlfriend and your relationship. Her co-worker doesn’t sound particularly smooth and although some of his behaviour might seem inappropriate, it doesn’t sound like anything that is really going to create problems in your relationship. As long as you and your girlfriend remain honest and open with each other, his input should be no more than a minor annoyance.

Thanks for reading and writing in,

Sam

It sounds like you are in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I will answer your questions in order…

There are many reasons why women wear provocative clothing but the main ones are cultural conditioning and peer approval. Unless a skirt is overly short then I wouldn’t even class it as sexually provocative anyway. She probably does enjoy the validation from other men and women but that in itself is not anything damning. You definitely don’t want to be seen as forcing her to dress in a certain way. If you stifle your girlfriend’s sexuality in any way, it actually affects how sexually expressive she will be in general and towards you.

It is fair to maintain friendships with men that want more than friendship as long as she is clear about that friendship and doesn’t intentionally lead them on. Those men are free to end the friendship if they aren’t content, although only particularly confident men with an abundance mentality towards women would do so. Your girlfriend will know if they ever cross a boundary of that friendship.

There are sexually frustrated men pretty much everywhere you go unfortunately. Some will be more obvious or unreserved in displaying that fact but you shouldn’t let that dictate where you go. You can choose who you interact with in social situations and if someone is being inappropriate, politely excuse you and your girlfriend.

It is normal to think about these sorts of things on occasion but the important thing is to not let any jealousy affect how you treat your girlfriend. Let her be her own woman and let her know that you trust her. If you treat your relationship as unyielding and act accordingly, you will always know the difference between real concerns and self-imposed fears.

I hope that answers your questions,

Sam

My girlfriend and I have been dating for just under a year. She is a wonderful woman with so many fantastic qualities and I really think she is the one. Lately I think I have been experiencing feelings of jealousy and I am just trying to process some thoughts that I was hoping to get some different perspectives on.

Beyond being perhaps one of the most intelligent, compasionate, kind, caring, and engaging people I know, my girlfriend is also incredibly beautiful (and I’m saying this pragmatically). She has a great smile, is tall, thin, long legs, in great shape, dresses very well, has peircing light blue eyes, and a beautiful face. She is very friendly with everybody and is very approachable. She is just an all-around amazing person with the looks to match. With that, she is approached by men very frequently which is not surprising and she deserves all the attention she gets. She also maintains friendships with men even when she knows they want more.

Questions:
-What are some of the reasons you suppose she likes to wear skirts all the time (she rarely ever wears pants even when it’s really cold and many of them are somewhat short because she is quite tall)?
-Do you think it is fair to the men she maintains friendships with who want more than just friendship?
-Should we consider avoiding social situations where there are sexualy frustrated men present?
-Does all of this just sound like I’m being super jealous and shouldn’t even be thinking about this at all?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated. I generally try not to think about this stuff, but lately I’ve been curious about all of the above.

Thanks in advance

Sam

Now days, she texts and communicates with me more than she did and isn’t texting him back. They might still communicate, but it’s at a healthy level that isn’t affecting our relationship.

Thanks again for the advice.

I understand exactly where you are coming from and these sorts of men will crop up from time to time in relationships. Be careful not to be too biased or judgemental without having met this person as that will only negatively affect how you react whenever he is mentioned.

The fact that your girlfriend sees it all as a joke and no more than flirty banter means that regardless of how sleazy or sexually frustrated the guy might seem from an outside viewpoint, it does not have to be harmful to your relationship. You want to do your best to not make it a big deal like you mentioned and the whole thing is likely to blow over.

I’ve seen this sort of dynamic many times before and your girlfriend will know precisely when the “joke” has become more sinister. Whilst the flirting is purely verbal and not in your presence, it does come solely down to what your girlfriend decides is inappropriate, not you.

You can influence the boundary of what she deems inappropriate by helping her see things from your perspective, or asking her how she would feel if the tables are turned. Doing so does run the risk of coming across as overbearing, overly protective or jealous though, so think carefully about the best way to discuss it if you decide to.

Other than that, encourage your girlfriend to keep you informed. Trust that she does know where the boundary is and that she would know what to do if it was genuinely crossed (no longer a “joke” in her mind).

All the best,

Sam