Dealing with your girlfriend getting hit on
One of the biggest hurdles to overcome when dating an attractive woman is accepting that other people will find her attractive and as a consequence, will try and hit on her.
I had it especially hard as my girlfriend was a freshman at University when our relationship first started becoming serious. This is a place where there are obviously a lot of sexually-charged, inebriated guys who don’t all necessarily have the best morals yet when it comes to dating. When I visited my girlfriend during this time, I would come up against a lot of situations where she was getting hit on and found several ways to effectively deal with it, both emotionally and in practice… 
Take pride that she is attractive to other people:
Think honestly if you would rather date someone who no one ever showed any interest in, or someone who everyone wishes they were with? It is a massive COMPLIMENT to you if someone hits on your girlfriend.
As I’ve stated before, flirting within certain boundaries is harmless and it actually invigorates a woman to know she is still desirable to men, so let her have this non-judgemental validation. I remember talking to one of my older brother’s female friends a while back (they are around the thirty year old mark) and she said her biggest fear was to no longer have guys show interest in her as it would be a sign that she is becoming old and unattractive. Embrace the fact that your girlfriend is attractive and be proud to show her off to the world, knowing ultimately that she is with YOU!
Control feelings of jealousy:
Jealousy is the bane of most relationships and one of three main causes for infidelity. There are far better ways of letting your partner know that you want to be the recipient of their primary desires than getting jealous.
As I outlined in the article ‘The only way to prevent your partner cheating’, you will never ‘win’ by challenging any social threats… Your girlfriend is yours to begin with and she ultimately has the choice of who she dates. All you can do is work on being the best option available. Once you truly believe this, there will be absolutely no reason to get jealous of any of the situations I’m referring to.
Your partner will no doubt encounter attractive people who inspire a new spark within them but once again jealousy will only play against you. Long-term relationships are about a lot more than just attraction and it’s working on the relationship as a whole that will earn your partner’s trust, respect and commitment.
If alcohol heightens your jealous tendencies in social settings, then consider limiting the amount you drink. Having a clear mind will allow you to approach a situation far more reasonably than if you are drunk.
Trust your girlfriend:
Pretty much every relationship expert will tell you that successful relationships are primarily built on trust. Assuming you have picked a partner who is self-assured, she should be able to diffuse most uncomfortable social situations herself. A woman simply stating that she has a boyfriend is usually enough to detract most men’s pursuits. If this doesn’t work and she is still uncomfortable, she has the option to politely leave.
Women aren’t stupid… Even the most socially oblivious person knows when they are getting hit on and you should trust them to not try and hide their relationship status. Likewise, respect for this trust should go both ways and it is only when people start alluding to the fact they are in a relationship that more sinister practices are at play.
Your girlfriend getting hit on whilst you are there:
There are normally two sorts of actions that guys do when they see their girlfriend getting hit on at a social event, be it at a bar or at a private party. The first guy sees his lady being apprehended by an attractive and confident bloke from a distance and quietly does nothing, hoping that the situation will solve itself.
The second guy tries to take control of the situation in an overbearing way, possibly confronting the new guy (who hasn’t done anything wrong at this stage) and trying to envelop the intruder’s masculinity. Worse, he will ignore this guy entirely in a complete social faux-pas and privately chastise his woman for giving someone else her attention in the first place!
Both of these actions stem from jealousy and will actually stir resentment in your partner rather than control it.
The best way to approach the situation is to withhold any feelings of jealousy that might arise and join the interaction in a socially confident and respectable manner. Introduce yourself to the new person, as you should in any social circumstance, and make it known without rubbing anyone’s face in it that you are a couple. Take control of the conversation but be polite and friendly to everyone.
You want to have a happy medium between not sitting back helplessly letting these scenarios happen and not getting aggressive. You want to display that you are willing to protect your girlfriend if she needs you to but that she has her own freedom at the same time.
If it is not a one-off situation:
Dealing with a girlfriend getting hit on doesn’t necessarily just apply to someone approaching your partner at a one-off social event. Sometimes you will find that one of their friends of the opposite sex suddenly reveals more desires than simply friendship. This generally comes from a lack of choice in that person’s love-life.
This situation once again comes down to trust that your partner will keep you updated on the situation as well as a mutual respect to let everyone know where they stand.
You actually have a lot less to worry about in these particular scenarios. For someone to get to the friendship stage, having bypassed the creation of sexual attraction, it is very hard for them to go back and create it once they are regarded solely as friends. Furthermore, they are showing their own lack of integrity and attractiveness by hitting on someone they outright KNOW is in a relationship.
The overall attitude to have is to remember that your partner is with YOU and trusting they won’t abuse that will make both you and your relationship a lot more content.
Much love,
Sam
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I understand what your saying but I find it really hard to deal with at the time. Me and my gal are not going through best of times at mo and so makes it even harder. When I see her chatting to blokes nd enjoying it I really do think she could go off with him easily. Do you ever advise simply dragging your gal away from the problem? J
Hi J,
I empathise with your feelings but you are probably worrying more than necessary. If your girlfriend really wanted to go off with someone else, she would have done it by now. Being a cool, loyal and trusting boyfriend is by far your best way of preventing it anyway.
With regards to ‘dragging your gal away’ I would say make sure you are doing it because of good intention. If you’re dragging her away because you feel threatened or jealous, then refer back to some of the points I mentioned in this article. If however you sense that the interaction does have more deceptive intentions from these other guys and your girlfriend isn’t particularly enjoying herself then by all means remove yourselves from the interaction politely and with no hard feelings… “We’re going to get a drink. It was cool meeting you” would work.
Sam
Thanks for replyin. I agree with what you said. I bookmarked this page so I can read it again when I need. Thanks. J
theres some guy that has in his msn personal message that he is going to get drunk with my girlfriend and also states that she is sexy. he is a friend of a friend of hers but they meet each other quite a bit due to the friend they both share but now it looks like thinks are evolving and its really annoying me, it would understand it being in a friendly manner but by saying that she is sexy also implys that it could/is more than friendly.
Hey,
The truth is that there are probably loads of guys who find your girlfriend ‘sexy’ and do want to get with her but as things stand it doesn’t seem like you have much to worry about.
Enquiring about their relationship a bit further wouldn’t hurt but make sure it is done without even a hint of jealousy. I’ve had experiences exactly like the one you describe and I’ve actually found that meeting the guy myself and befriending him is actually the best way to understand and diffuse the situation if necessary.
Thanks for commenting and let me know how things develop.
Sam
my girlfriend has no girl friends, has only boy friends and a lot…
I hate it when we casually meet a guy friend of hers, she throws her self at them like if she saw him the last time 2 years ago, and they touch arms and shoulders in front of me, Im thinking like she is giving him a green light?????.
other thing I hate it when she starts talking to guys, and it can last for lots of time, before she realize that I’m not there,, she never says thinks like, sorry I have to go, or were is my boyfriend.
like this one time she told me she was going to a party, and I said ok. call me at 1 am I’ll go and pick you up (i was in another party), she never called me, I had to call her at 2 am, and she was with some friends in a car????…
we have been together for a year and its great, I know she loves me and I love her.
I dont know if my girlfriend is stupid, or flirts or wants to make me jealous.
Hey Gary, thanks for writing.
I have met many girls who predominantly have male friends… For some reason, some girls feel more comfortable and less threatened around men than women. Regardless of that fact, most girls whether they are single or not definitely like the attention from other men and to feel desirable… That is why it may seem like your girlfriend is overly flirty with these male friends of hers. Having lots of inner-circle friends of the opposite sex actually desexualises them so she may not even be aware that she is being inappropriate. During my last year of University, a large proportion of my close friends were female and I definitely saw them more platonically than I had previously viewed women.
If you’ve been together for a year, trust each other and know the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not, then you have little to worry about; it’s all about how you deal with and react to the specific situations (using some of the practices mentioned in the above article).
As for the party example, I think in a heightened state like that (especially if alcohol was involved) that she can’t be blamed for forgetting logistical instructions. Make sure you assess the situation properly and be careful not to blow things out of proportion… Being in a car with another guy (especially more than one guy) is not really an issue, unless you make a big deal out of it with her.
Hope that helps,
Sam
fantastic
thanks
I gotta couple of questions pls..
Is it ok to talk nice about your girlfriend around your friends?, I think they might get interested in her and hit on her. (I know my friends are very horny and hit on diferent girl each time we go out).
my friends specially my closest ones always ask me about my gf? if Im going out with my gf, or what time will I go and pick her up, what can I do to avoid this questions, I dont wanna sound jealous by saying to them not to talk about my gf anymore, but sometimes I ignore the questions, some will say your gf is very cool. your lucky. and things like that..
when I go out with my girlfriend to parties, my friends make cheers to my girlfriend and they try to be funny around her, with her not with me. that makes me little bit jealous because I know my gf will interact with them because she is very nice to everyone… what can I do to control this situation or to make my friends or guys go away.
cheers!! and thanks!
Hi,
All three parts to your question revolve around your trust for your friends. Presumably you choose who you want to be friends with and if they are true friends then respect and trust come as an automatic addition.
It’s possible that your friends may be jealous of your relationship and may even be attracted to your girlfriend but whilst the roles of them being your friend and you being her boyfriend are defined, it is unlikely anything ominous is going to happen.
You shouldn’t let any of your unwarranted concerns for your friends trustworthiness affect how you talk about of interact with your girlfriend. If you actually have justified means for concern with some of your friends or they have a history of betraying people close to them then that is a different issue altogether. Whilst it is the former though, you shouldn’t feel the need to avoid innocent questions about your girlfriend or prevent harmless interactions between them and her.
As a slight side-note, if your friends are single and are actively looking for partners, have you thought about helping them find other girls or perhaps even introducing them to some of your girlfriend’s female friends? It might help you to realise there isn’t anything to worry about if their interests are visibly elsewhere.
Thanks for posting and keep me updated.
Sam
The best information i have found exactly here. Keep going Thank you
Thanks, you’re welcome!
Hi, gr8 post thanks for posting. Information is useful!
Thanks a lot; glad you liked it!
my gf is very pretty, and we love each other, and we have been together 1 year and half.
but I have this problem>
my gf is a very friendly with guys, but guys always think she flirts with them, even when I am around. I think she uncounciously gives them a green light., but she is unaware of that, I know she is not flirting with them but this actions makes guys always hit on my gf and it makes me uncomfortable…
is my gf doing anything wrong? or should I tell her to behaive diferent? any advice?
Hi James,
It’s extremely common for an average guy to mistake general friendliness from a woman to be more than just friendly… this is often why particularly attractive women who get approached a lot will actively act cold around guys in bars, even if they are normally very friendly.
I assume you don’t want your girlfriend to stop being friendly to everyone, as it is obviously one of her attractive qualities; you have to trust that she knows where to draw the line herself.
Guys will hit on your girlfriend if she puts herself in social situations; that can’t be changed… It is only when one of the guys actually makes an inappropriate move on your girlfriend that it becomes unacceptable and that is something that I am sure your girlfriend will be aware of immediately herself. If the situations ever look genuinely uncomfortable for your girlfriend then that is when you should step in but once again, don’t judge your girlfriend for being friendly; it is great that she is!
Thanks for writing,
Sam
one question pls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im a very handsome guy and very outgoing. BUT!!!. Do I have a confidence problem?
When Im with my gal at a place, party, etc… and I see a good looking confident guy making him self notice, kind of flirting with my gal; you know the eye-eye contact with my gal, and my gal is also looking at him,. how can I regain confidence. make her notice me, and stop her from looking at him?, what actions do I need to follow?>>>
Hi there,
As it stands, those sorts of things constitute as harmless flirting: a biological instinct for a woman to feel desired. Eye contact is a huge rapport mechanism but on its own it is more than likely a consequence of momentary boredom rather than her consciously seeking out other guys. Basically speaking, if you want to stop your girlfriend’s attention from wandering then make sure you are always engaging and exciting her. I know this is difficult to do all the time and to be honest you don’t want to be stuck by her side all night at those kind of events being her sole source of entertainment anyway. When you are with her though, try and make it fun so she is focusing her enjoyment on you and not bothered by other guys (play games, dance together etc).
Hope that helps,
Sam
Dear Sam,
Thank you for your website. I just chanced upon it and I find it to be very useful. This topic of “Dealing with your girlfriend getting hit on …” is useful.
My girldfriend Michelle of 6 months is beautiful and very friendly. She generally prefers the company of men but also has some women friends. She is very intelligent as well and went to an Ivy League school.
I am a bit older than she is and I think that she likes that I am more mature than the guys her age. I am in decent shape and though business is going a bit slow, I am still doing well enough.
I am invited to many parties where celebrities often attend. Rich and powerful men also often attend. I am the “small fish” in this pond but yet, I get invited because I know the people organizing these parties.
I have noticed that people I know at these parties, often rich and sucessful and married men, french, charming etc. have started making jokes in front of me and my girfriend. The jokes can revolve around comments such as …”oh, yes, lets play golf, your girlfriend can partner me and you can partner my wife and it will be a nice 4-some” or “oh, you guys leaving for dinner … Jake, why dont you go and leave Michelle here instead! We will look after her *wink*!”
At first, I just laughed these comments off, but recently, I have found them to be just rude, irritating and it makes me upset. I have tried not saying anything, to saying something smart or biting back. I find that this sets tension in the room and it does not really help as the guys still carry on. Also, sadly, these guys are people I would get along with if Michelle was not there. But since she has been in my life, beacuse of these sort of comments, I am beginning to resent the guys and I find myself spending less time with them.
There have also been 2 incidents at 2 seperate parties where I was invited and I brough Michelle along. Being cool, we allow each other to spend time with other people to intereact etc. I dont like just standing by her side or her mine the whole evening. Guys she met, that I know vaguely chatted with her and they exchanged name cards. It is clear to teh guys that Michelle and I are going out. They subsequently emailed her and asked her out for other events. She emailed them back to say no thanks politely but I was pissed off that Michelle did not cc me in the emails to make it clear to them that I know what is going on. I was also pissed off that these guys should have such little respect for me to not ask out my girlfriend. In effect, by having Michelle at these parties, through no fault of her own, I was unhappy and beginning to feel like I need to tell these guys off. As a side note, Michelle did not tell me that the seocnd gy emailed her. It was only 2 weeks after that she told me and said that she did not want to tell me as she did not want me getting angry at her or getting angry at him. I told her that that was a right she did not have as she was a guest of mine at this party and I know these guys and it is the right thing for her to tell me that they emailed her … regardless of what my reaction is after. ( I am generally a pretty chill guy …)
I am wondering if:
1) Am I giving off a signal that says “I am weak” or that I am so easy going that they can say things like that and I will think it is funny?
2) Is Michelle sending off a signal to the guys that they think they can get away with asking her out?
3) Michelle is getting in the way of my relationships with these guys as I often network and get business from them. THings were simpler when she was not around. There has to be a better way but I just dont knwo what to do?
Any help is appreciated. Michelle and I often have long talks after what was supposed to be an enjoyable night out at a party and I am sure that she is beginning to find this to be a chore. I too am beginning to feel that the fun aspect of teh relationship is diminishing and that I will lose her if this continues.
The plus side to all of this is that we are both quite rational people and that we talk and dont fight. Also, we are both very fond of each other and if possible, I would marry Michelle.
Advise on tried and proven methods to deal with situations like this will be very much appreciated.
Jake
Hey Jake,
First up, you sound like a really clued-up, cool guy and in general your relationship seems very healthy. Mixing in those kinds of rich celebrity circles does often heighten the degree of social games that you will have to deal with though.
Having attended several parties of a similar status to the ones you are describing, I know the nature of the atmosphere at those sorts of venues. In my experience, rich and successful guys, unless they feel particularly close to you, will often have little problem trying to obtain a taken woman. It’s a big generalisation but is true of a lot of men.
It is hard to completely analyse the meaning behind the jokes these guys are making without any contextual information but on the face of it they do seem very light-hearted and innocent. You can laugh them off or banter back but the key thing is not becoming reactive to their comments. The mindset that you want is a lot like the theory on picking up high quality women. Whoever reacts the least has the most value, and I have the feeling that you assume you are of lower value than these guys whilst in their company. Having high value is not just about having the most money or status, so don’t ever think of yourself as by default ‘lower’ than these people. Those two things alone will make the difference between coming across as ‘weak’!
Regarding the emails sent to Michelle, her being completely open about things like that does largely come down to how you react, or rather how she thinks you will react. I know that the reason my girlfriend Heidi always immediately tells me about things such as ominous emails or texts is because I never get angry or judgemental about it… It is something that we have mutually agreed to be open about! Even if you feel that you are becoming negatively emotional about such things at the time, it is always best to deal with them privately on your own first. Your girlfriend should actually be praised for being so open with you regardless of how immediate she was in telling you.
It is unlikely Michelle is consciously sending off signals for these guys to make advances but either way the majority of men easily misinterpret female communication. As long as she knows how to handle herself (and it seems that she does from the e-mail example you gave) then you really don’t have to worry.
Another key point is your relationship with these men. If Michelle really is getting in the way of your bonding then find times away from her (either on the night or other times) where you can actually befriend them better without the complications of her being there. I’m sure that the better friends you become with these guys, the less any of this will become a problem.
Overall, your relationship does sound very healthy, what with how you guys communicate and how you talk about your girlfriend. As you mention, the relationship should be fun and not a chore, so as long as you keep that in mind prior to bringing up negative feelings, everything should be fine.
Thanks for writing and keep in touch,
Sam
IN RESPONSE TO http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/03/dealing-girlfriend-hit/#comment-3101 FROM SAM
Dear Sam,
Thank you for your reply! Its nice to be able to chat about something like this that is so close to the heart and to get some solid advice back as well.
For convenience, I have replied in-line to your comments below. Please do share somemore if you can …
>>First up, you sound like a really clued-up, cool guy and in general your relationship seems very healthy. Mixing in those kinds of rich celebrity circles does often heighten the degree of social games that you will have to deal with though.
>>Having attended several parties of a similar status to the ones you are describing, I know the nature of the atmosphere at those sorts of venues. In my experience, rich and successful guys, unless they feel particularly close to you, will often have little problem trying to obtain a taken woman. It’s a big generalisation but is true of a lot of men.
Jake – Thank you on the kind words. I totally feel this too. … that rich guys often think that pretty girls at these events are all up for grabs … literally at times! Its hard to manage at times as we dont want to piss these people off and yet, their behavior can be very rude or at least insensitive or over familiar. Also Michelle sometimes is a bit over familiar with them as she takes her tone from me where I am friendly with them. The key hear is that as a man, I can do certain things that she cant … if she does, they read it differently … as you say.
>>It is hard to completely analyse the meaning behind the jokes these guys are making without any contextual information but on the face of it they do seem very light-hearted and innocent. You can laugh them off or banter back but the key thing is not becoming reactive to their comments. The mindset that you want is a lot like the theory on picking up high quality women. Whoever reacts the least has the most value, and I have the feeling that you assume you are of lower value than these guys whilst in their company. Having high value is not just about having the most money or status, so don’t ever think of yourself as by default ‘lower’ than these people. Those two things alone will make the difference between coming across as ‘weak’!
Jake – I think like most Jokes, it is 1/2 joke and 1/2 some darker meaning behind it. The joke is not funny to me and the darker side is worse. Could you elobrate on not becoming reaction to their comments please? Did not quite understand what you meant here. I guess, I feel “weak” becaue the party tends to rotate around who ust bought the fastest new ferarri or who had lunch with a a star. The power seems to sit with them from an acitivites point of view. Any further advice in this area would help in terms of how to react and how to think in these situations.
>>Regarding the emails sent to Michelle, her being completely open about things like that does largely come down to how you react, or rather how she thinks you will react. I know that the reason my girlfriend Heidi always immediately tells me about things such as ominous emails or texts is because I never get angry or judgemental about it… It is something that we have mutually agreed to be open about! Even if you feel that you are becoming negatively emotional about such things at the time, it is always best to deal with them privately on your own first. Your girlfriend should actually be praised for being so open with you regardless of how immediate she was in telling you.
Jake – I hear you. I am going to make it a point to let her know that i wont get angry if she tells me. I guess she knows that independent of how I react to her, I will be disappointed with these guys that are senging the emails and that I may tell them off. I will deal with them privately as you suggest as a start.
I am very wary of starting a tone of what you dont know cant hurt you. Total honesty is best. Both ways. So I also tell her I am upset … but she reads into it and decides to deal with it herself. I would prefer she tells me. What these guys do in terms of emails is largely out of our control. But I bet they would not send an email like that if they were dealing with the girlfriend of a Mafia Boss for example. So there is an element of disrespect to me linked to the emails they send her …
>>It is unlikely Michelle is consciously sending off signals for these guys to make advances but either way the majority of men easily misinterpret female communication. As long as she knows how to handle herself (and it seems that she does from the e-mail example you gave) then you really don’t have to worry.
Jake – Maybe best that she is less friendly to start until a guy is deemed to be trustworthy enough to not do silly things?
>> Another key point is your relationship with these men. If Michelle really is getting in the way of your bonding then find times away from her (either on the night or other times) where you can actually befriend them better without the complications of her being there. I’m sure that the better friends you become with these guys, the less any of this will become a problem.
Jake – Sad but perhaps necessary. I may need to attend without her, but I dont think that is a long term solution. Perhaps some standard lines back that will be clear but not rude to make it clear on the behavior I expect from them? Any ideas?
>> Overall, your relationship does sound very healthy, what with how you guys communicate and how you talk about your girlfriend. As you mention, the relationship should be fun and not a chore, so as long as you keep that in mind prior to bringing up negative feelings, everything should be fine.
Jake – yes, I am trying to make this as a samll a deal as possible. So that Michelle does nto feel stressed in a social situations. It seems almost unfair that people like this waste our time on having to intrude in our lives that way. Wish they could just be polite.
Hi again Jake,
It’s a hard one to call with these social situations you describe because obviously you want your girlfriend to be friendly rather than cold with the people she meets and ‘giving the wrong signals’ is almost impossible to do without being blatantly rude. The best way to deal with it is to trust your solidity as a couple and treat it as their problem. You can project your coupled status in front of them if you like (although you don’t want to rub anyone’s face in it) but at the end of the day, if these guys really don’t have respect for your relationship (and only in the situation can you really tell) then it is their problem and you ultimately have the choice whether to hang around with them or not.
As for the jokes that they make, whichever way you decipher them, it’s very easy to misread true intentions. What I mean by being unreactive is that the best way to deal with negative projection from someone is to not let it be known that it has affected you. All communication of this type is done to get a REACTION: a joke is to make the other person laugh and the darker meaning is to make the other person defensive. Being unreactive (and it might be something you have to fake at first) basically means you decide whether to accept or reject their communication bid… ie: you have the ‘power’ of the interaction. I know it sounds slightly seedy to describe interactions in this way but that is what is going on regarding sub-communications. This all comes down to rapport and the more of it you have with these guys, the more you will understand when they are making a joke and the less likely they will be to have any underlying meaning.
Although topics such as the ‘latest Ferrari’ might be important to these guys, there are hundreds of other ways to relate to them. Most rapport techniques such as story-telling are universal. To be honest, the ‘Ferarri talk’ is often a route to just that: acceptance and ego, so showing interest and enthusiasm about those topics even if they aren’t personally important does work wonders.
What I was getting at though is that the mindset that you have is far more important than the specific context (hence the reference I made to chatting up women). As long as you feel worthy of the group and ‘on their level’ then that comes across a lot more in non-verbal communication than you would think; if you believe it, they will believe it! Once again this is something you will possibly have to fake at first until you truly believe it.
At the end of the day, if the scenarios are as blatant as you predict then yes it does show disrespect towards you and I’m afraid the only two options are to forgive their ignorance of the situation and try and earn their respect by displaying more leadership qualities in their presence (a whole topic on its own) or simply don’t mix with them anymore.
Regarding how it affects your relationship, honesty is best as you say and it is fine to tell your girlfriend if you ever feel upset about something, although make sure it is clear who and why you are upset. There is also a big difference between being upset with acceptance and being upset but affected. It’s not a case of ‘what you don’t know can’t hurt you’ but more ‘what you don’t worry about can’t hurt you’. Like I said, if you trust your girlfriend and make an effort to be a good boyfriend then none of the advances of these guys, however snide they are, will be a problem.
I’m not sure you really want your girlfriend to be ‘less friendly’ either… being friendly is obviously part of her personality and is a good thing. On top of this, a guy’s trustworthiness is very hard to judge (unless they are a really close friend). I’ve seen guys wait six months before making advances on taken girls before and it doesn’t change the intent in the slightest. You can make guided observations if you like but let your girlfriend make her own judgements and have faith in them.
It isn’t a long-term solution to simply not have her around at these times but hopefully the long-term solution is that you can befriend and understand these guys well enough so that they won’t be disrespectful to you. I wouldn’t say it is specific lines that you want in the meantime but more the overall attitude you want to convey: that your relationship is secure and happy, you understand the social conditions, you aren’t threatened by these guys and that you can relate to them on their level regardless of ‘status’.
Let me know if you want me to further explain any points… I know I’ve alluded to certain principles and left out some detail to preserve the length of this response.
Sam
Thank you for the advice you offer. I recently began a relationship with, by far, the most attractive woman I have ever been around. Once the struggle to get her to even notice me was over, then came the jealousy and worrying due to guy friends, ex-boyfriends and randoms at parties. It’s been very difficult for me, but your advice has definitely helped.
Chris
Hey Chris, you’re more than welcome!
I’m afraid it is an unavoidable consequence that the more attractive your other half is, the more unwanted attention they will receive… The ways to deal with and react to it all doesn’t change though so you’re on the right track.
Thanks a lot for you feedback and do keep in touch,
Sam
Thanks dude,, you helped me solve one of my biggest problems today..
Thank you very much,, but i’m still ticked off by those guys who not only tried to hit on my girl, they even took a picture of my girl while her back was turned. And we don’t even now who those guys are.
You’re welcome Paul!
All I can say about guys like that is ignore them and don’t worry about them. Yes it’s creepy and you might find a way to confront them amicably… but guys like that really aren’t much of a threat!
Cheers,
Sam
thanks again.
Recently I’ve been going to the club with friends of mine and almost everytime i go there, I get to asked If I would like to dance? I usually say No to them but is it okay to say Yes and dance with them for the fun of it… maybe its a good song that I’m missing out on. My boyfriend doesn’t be there because of work.
Hi Tracey,
I personally think that is fine as long as your intentions are innocent and the underlying assumptions of the interaction are too. There is a chance that the guys asking you to dance do just want to dance (depending on what kind of venue it is) but a lot will be thinking it as a direct route to ‘scoring’ with you.
As long as you namedrop your boyfriend or relationship status at some point, or explicitly tell them the situation if they start to ‘try it on’, then it should be fine. At the end of the day you can always leave if you’re uncomfortable but you don’t want to miss out on having a fun time for worry of giving out the wrong message to random people in clubs.
What’s more important than my opinion in this instance though is what your boyfriend thinks about it. You might find it helpful to ask him if he minds about that sort of thing and as long as he trusts you it should alleviate any of the concerns.
Take care,
Sam
I read your article and noticed that you said your girlfriend will most likely know when the situation is going too far and put an end to it. Well I have an interesting one for you.
I am a freshmen in college and my girlfriend is a senior in high school. I go to a community college so we are still living in the same town but she is going to a University that is an hour away from where we are now next year. I trust her but it still sucks to think about her drinking with other guys and partying and such (I don’t drink at all and have no interest in it whatsoever) so I’m dealing with those feelings but that’s another story that kind of ties in with the current one.
So yesterday (November 17th) my girlfriends young (25 I think) former math teacher who now lives in Texas (we are in Wisconsin so far away) messaged her on facebook. It was a casual conversation for a few minutes but then it started taking a turn for the worst. He admitted that he was very attracted to her (in a very hesitant way because he feels wrong for thinking it) and she reciprocated the feeling by saying she thought he was really attractive too. I can deal with that, it’s fine to find other people attractive, human nature but they kept talking for hours and both of them definitely crossed the line. My girlfriend was extremely nice and told me about this conversation and sent me it so I could read it. Here are some quotes from what the teacher said that shows how far over the line he got. “it wouldn’t have had anything to do with math :-/:-/ i mean” (referring to staying after school for extra tutoring), “oh, i was just planning on staying in a hotel..not really leaving juuust kidding” (talking about coming back up to where we live to visit, he wants to move here and live here again) “you wouldn’t be for long…:-O:-O ok ok, before, not so shocking, im legitimately surprised i wrote that” (she was saying she was in PJ pants.) There are plenty more quotes that are equally and more than inappropriate.
Now here is what she said back
“I love that we can talk about this” (talking about how they find each other attractive)
“this makes me feel significantly less creepy”
“well i wouldnt have minded staying after school with someone I found attractive” (The tutoring sessions)
“im planning on going to (insert college here) so we could have been friends” (This one just makes me upset because I’m already worried about the college, and she wants him there…)
“this subject is far too fun to pass up” (She enjoys talking about all of these things)
“i just feel bad for saying it” (Toward the end she finally told him that she has a boyfriend of 19 months and that she feels bad, btw he thought that made it hotter and more dangerous…she didn’t stop him from talking more)
“kevin you are an awesome guy and I would love to see you again. you were one of the coolest teachers I ever had” (not what I really wanted to hear)
So as you can see they were both way over the line of expressing they thought each other were attractive. Her former teacher went way more over the line compared to her but she still did to and it took her in my opinion too long to come back. Now she knows that this convo upset me and later that day they talked again and she didn’t go over the line again but he still did.
My main 2 things 1. she crossed the line with some of her comments and that worries me because if she can do that while sober what could happen while she drinks
2. She finds this conversation and situation fun and she thinks his comments are funny when she knows very well that his comments hurt me very much, yet she still talks to him and lets him say these things. I have not said anything to the guy and have tried to ignore my jealousy and told my gf she can do what she wants (kind of a test to see if she cared if I was hurt by this) well she chose to keep on talking to him. Now I don’t know what to do.
Probably the longest post you’ve ever gotten on here ha ha.
Oh my god, that was a long post….lol! Anyways… thanx so much for the long post, i indeed read it all as well. After my posting i come to realizing that if a girl wants to chat it up with a guy then make it a light chat, nothing personal that they need to know, that why the guy can’t find your weakness if you have issues and always let them know your unavilable! Thanks again for the post, I really appericate it!!
Hey Josh, thanks for writing.
It seem like you’ve handled the situation pretty well so far. Like you say, blowing off the rail or showing too much jealousy will play against you.
Whilst the maths teacher has definitely stepped over the line and there’s clearly only one thing on his mind (although you said he wasn’t aware she was in a relationship at first and we don’t know his particular character), your girlfriend’s replies are not as bad as they seem. Whilst she is definitely leading him on, the fact that all her statements are reciprocal means she could just be enjoying the validation of having a man of ‘authority’ flirt with her.
The positive aspect is that she showed you the conversation. Did she explain why she did show you? Was it because she herself thought the conversation was inappropriate? You’ve done the right thing in letting her know that it isn’t acceptable but not becoming too visibly threatened by it all.
The best way to put a woman off a specific man is to allude to the fact he is being creepy but in a sense that only buys you time. If she is happy to behave like this with one guy then she will with others. There’s nothing you can specifically do about this but calmly letting her know you are a bit uneasy about the way he is talking to her whilst not acting jealous or threatened is the best way to deal with it. Afterwards, take her mind off it and remember YOU are her boyfriend and your time together should be mainly positive emotions.
Another option that you may have considered is messaging the maths teacher (with your girlfriend’s approval of course)… I wouldn’t particularly recommend it as the superior man wouldn’t even entertain the notion that this other guy has a ‘chance’. If you do decide to message him though you have to word it very carefully so that you are not conveying a threatened or threatening attitude in any way but are simply politely telling him you are aware of the conversations and that they are unacceptable. That could be enough to stop his behaviour.
Let me know how it pans out or if there are any further developments,
Sam
Sam, love your website. So i have been dating this girl for a few months and we finally made it official on thursday(keep it mind that both of us haven’t had a boyfriend or girlfriend for 5 years). the next day there was a girls night out at a dance club.
Now, my girlfriend is the typical girl who gets along better with guys and is extremely friendly. Shes the type of girl who has a hard time saying no if a guy asks her to dance. Sometimes I dont feel like she realizes guys true intentions sometimes and just think they want to be friends. At the same time she is somewhat shy and quiet and doesn’t go out to much.(kind of the artsy type)
At around midnight my newly acquired girlfriend who was extremely drunk called me to come meet up with her at the club. Once I got there she mentioned that she was dancing with a guy and he tried to kiss her but she turned her head and he kissed her on the cheek. She also mentioned that he grabbed her hand and held it while going to the bar. I understand stand that girls will get hit on but it almost seemed like she didn’t really put to much effort in getting away from the guy. As a matter of fact she actually introduced me to the guy later on saying that this was her friend(although they just met that night) and he continued to hover around her when i was with her even after she told me that she told him he had a boyfriend.
Then she began acting a weird and mentioned that she felt like i didn’t want her (probably the alcohol speaking), then after telling her that I do want her she seemed to feel a little better and we hung out the rest of the night
Now the kicker here is that I had a good friend(girl) who was at the club the whole time and when i got there I introduced my friend to my girlfriend. The next day my friend calls me and mentioned to me how disappointed she was in my girlfriend. Apparently my friend noticed my girlfriend there because she was dancing (grinding of course) with multiple guys and she was acting like she was single the whole time.
Now I trust my girlfriend but Im afraid that she doesn’t quite understand the boundries of a relationship.
So this is what I said to her.
“Im not not mad at you, but i feel like you disrespected me because you had every opportunity to walk away from that guy who was trying to kiss you. If you cannot tell them that you have a boyfriend and be assertive about it then we should not be in a relationship. ”
She didn’t really give the “I’m so sorry” reply but she did say that “she does need to be more assertive and that she just wants to be with me”
was that the proper way to handle it? If so, then why do I still feel so uncomfortable about the whole situation ? Should I just move forward and put this incident in my back pocket?
I mean, we just made it official and she goes out and does this….should it worry me?
Thanks in advance
Hey there, thanks for checking out my website and I’m glad you enjoy it!
This sounds like a common case of men and women reading signals differently in a club environment but you hit the nail on the head when you said that your girlfriend might not understand the boundaries of the relationship yet. You mention that this is her first relationship in quite a while so it may be a case of not having adapted to it yet as it is still new.
At the end of the day she seemed quite open about her actions, which come across as naive rather than malicious and although nothing too detrimental happened, you are right to tell her how you feel.
The way you expressed your feelings wasn’t too bad in the sense that it doesn’t come across as threatened or needy but I would try and eliminate most of the “you” statements and frame it more as how you personally feel so it doesn’t come across as accusatory. In this case she seemed to respond well enough to it though. In fact, a decisive response from her is a lot better than simply being overly apologetic as it suggests she is making her own informed decisions on the matter.
It will be interesting to see how she acts next time when in a similar situation now that she knows how it makes her look. I suspect that she will tone down her actions just off the back of what has happened so far and as your relationship progresses. There are more important things to focus on though rather than this currently isolated incident so for now, like you said, it might be best to put it behind you both.
Let me know if anything else comes up,
Sam
I understand the article suggests going about things in a logical adult manner, and frankily the point you made about be-friending one of her guys friends that is into her would totally diffuse the situation is brilliant as I have seen it work in practice, but I still feel as their are situations in which you might need to hit a guy.
Hey Nicholai,
I appreciate that there are certain situations where you may WANT to or FEEL like you should hit a guy who is being disrespectful (the protector instinct is innate in all of us) but it is rarely productive in the bigger picture.
The momentary satisfaction of hurting someone is far less compelling than learning to control any situation both mentally and in practice.
Second to this, the best revenge you can get on someone is for them to know that you are completely unaffected emotionally by their actions. As well as inviting physical injuries for yourself, punching someone projects that they have the upper hand socially, however much you physically hurt them.
Thanks for commenting,
Sam
I wanted to get your advice on my personal situation as well as trying to apply your advice in the article.
My girlfriends best friend is a guy she has known alot longer than me and has alot in common with. He has recently decided that she is his “dream girl” and that he wants to be with her. We have been together almost two years. Im the jealous type and have major trust issuses. She mostly just ignores the situation, to my knowledge she has never really tried to discourage his advances other than saying she just wants to be friends and not hanging out with him very much anymore. His emails and text messages however are growing more and more blatant about his love for her. He’s trying to convince her that I’m bad for her and he is the better choice. She doesnt keep me informed to these messages I just have to find them and confront her with them. Any advice on where to go from here?
Hi Phillip,
I actually have first-hand experience of your exact situation so I can relate to and empathise with what you’ve written. Most people will tend to act either too controlling or too aloof when in such a situation so it’s about finding the right balance to how you react to everything.
From your brief descriptions of how this other guy is behaving, it sounds typical of the ‘lovable loser’ for want of a better term. As you have been together for such a long time and assuming everything else is positive with your relationship, you really don’t have to worry about him as a threat. The only way they would end up together as it stands is if you drive your girlfriend towards him emotionally by acting too controlling or aloof as I mentioned.
Having said that, keeping the situation as it is isn’t useful for anyone so you can help your girlfriend to put closure on it and let him know with authority that they are just friends and nothing will happen between them (a lot of women find putting something like that in a letter is easier). The thing that prolongs and strengthens the infatuation for guys like this is the HOPE that they can one day be with the person in question and that is what their long friendship has inadvertently created.
It is ultimately her choice in how to deal with it all, so in the meantime all you can do is concentrate on other aspects of your relationship, try and be the best boyfriend you can be whilst making your time together fun and positive and then encourage your girlfriend to keep you updated with anything that happens regarding this other guy so everyone knows where they stand.
All the best,
Sam
Hi Sam, I really enjoyed the article and replies to the posts on the site. I have a situation I would like to get your feedback on please.
A little background: I have been with many women but I also tend to get jealous with them and I have been hurt by some past experiences and I have also hurt women in the past as well from which i Have learned from and changed.
I have been with my girl for about a year now. My girlfriend is a natural beauty who is smart, friendly , understanding and kind. She can come off as a little flirty because she is so friendly to everyone. I do have serious issues with the large amount of male attention she gets though and I feel powerless in doing away with this insecurity. A few months ago she lied to me about seeing her ex a few times on a completely platonic basis , I found out from someone else. She admitted immediately that she has seen him to try and establish some sort of friendship with him but told me she did not want to tell me about it fearing I would be upset about it. Nothing came of their friendship, maybe it was just closure. Ever since I have had some trust issue because of my own past experiences with other women and this situation. She has since realized the wrong in her action and tells me a lot about the guys that hit on her , at my request( sometimes I grill her with questions). I tell her I feel better knowing the truth and that she should tell me about a situation if she believes it warrants my attention. On the other hand when she tells me about a guy that was hitting on her after she already told him she is with me , i get angry at the lack of respect of these men and I get fearful and jealous. She tells me she would like to avoid telling me about guys asking her to dance, or for her phone number because I get enraged, but at the same time she respects the fact that I would like to know and not be in the dark.
My question really is this:
How can I cope with hearing about these situations with men hitting on her and not get so upset and jealous? And I know maybe I shouldn’t ask so much about these everyday occurences but I can’t help it.
Secondly: She is going away to the carribean for a week for a wedding. From a past experience where my ex cheated on me while she was away I fear she will do the same and not tell me becasue she doesnt want to hurt me.
She expresses to me that she would never do anything with anyone she just met ( it took 3 months before we became sexually active because she wanted to be close with me first). She says she is fully committed to me and that I satisfy her sexual desires plenty, and that I have nothing to worry about.
Unfortunately I worry that because of her friendliness ,bright smile, beautiful body , that many guys will talk to her in group settings and one on one because she is such a good listener. My fear takes over my rationality, I fear she will be attracted to a more successful guy down there, that she could cheat, that she may end up leaving me or that something miniscule might happen but she won’t tell me because I would get upset. I picture myself grilling her with questions when she returns.!! She says she will miss me so much and I do believe her but I also understand the power of temptation and it scares me … I would really like an objective piece of advice on me and my situation please. Thanks. – Al
Hey Al,
First up, a lot of the feelings you describe are natural but it’s good that you understand that they are unproductive for your relationship. Jealousy and lack of trust aren’t feelings that you can rid yourself of in an instant, but you can slowly work on overcoming or desensitising yourself to them through repetitive cognition. It is a combination of being reassured and not fuelling any anxieties that will help you.
As a start, the way to get your girlfriend to be completely honest and open about these sorts of things is to let her know that you won’t overreact, or more importantly JUDGE her. Whilst it is her looks and personality that are attracting guys, it’s fundamentally not her fault that these guys are hitting on her, so it is all about your perceived reaction (and consequently your trust) as to how open she will want to be with you. Whilst you can make her feel at ease with this in the beginning by simply making a conscious effort to suppress any feelings of anger or jealousy, in the long run you want to actually believe it’s not an issue, at which point it won’t even be a concern if she tells you or not.
Positive self-talk and reassuring experiences will do this over time but remember that trust for a partner is not circumstantial whilst you have a mutual understanding… You want your girlfriend to be able to tell you anything because she WANTS to, not because she feels she HAS to.
If you find that you can’t resist probing her about various interactions or events, then try to at least frame the conversation in a positive way, or once again in a way where she won’t feel judged.
As for your girlfriend’s trip to the Caribbean, it is once again a situation where you can only concentrate on the things that are within your control. I think you know that logically she won’t cheat on you and from the way you’ve described her feelings and your relationship, you really don’t have much to worry about. You have to start truly believing that though and not letting past relationships influence your actions.
On a logical note, her going away for a week is actually a great opportunity to build commitment. She says she is going to miss you and this is something you can heighten by giving her something to look forward to for when she returns; perhaps you could arrange a surprise for her! If you can send her a message or two whilst she is away (nothing over the top) then that will help too but the main thing is to keep your mind busy whilst she is away so you don’t concern yourself with what could (but realistically wouldn’t) be happening with her.
If you haven’t read the ‘infidelity series’ articles found in the ‘Best of’ section of this website then I reckon you will find further useful advice there but remember the three points that I continually repeat: take pride that your girlfriend is attractive, concentrate on being the best boyfriend (and most attractive person) you can be and work on any insecurities personally, away from your girlfriend.
All the best,
Sam
My girlfriend is very attractive she has guys hit on her and i/she handles the situation fine most of the time. I am 16 and she is 15 i know its to young to worry about stuff like this but i love her and she doesn’t always handle the situations the right way when guys hit on her or try to get with her. Sometimes I step in and handle it ish and it usually turns out the way it should. Like she used to flirt extremely bad but i stepped in and solved it but the way she flirted was childish. Like when one does something to get the others attention and the other goes running to them…. In a childish way…. so i’m guessing the question is why/how should i let her handle the situations?? another thing is she likes to keep the phone away from me how do i know she is not keeping stuff from me cause she does this often and lately a lot i guess i trust herish or at least i try but she has had an instance with one of her past bf’s that she was talking to someone while she was with someone else maybe it’s her that’s not trustworthy another thing is that i recently noticed i was depressed well other people noticed and i think half of it is her but i don’t want her to know and its not when im around her because when i am around her i am extremely happy but when we are away from each other it’s the guy hitting on her thing and her not handling it the right way if the email doesnt make to much sense email me and ill write a novel lol
This is the girl from the latest message from David and well I`d like to say a few things myself. I grew up with two brothers older than me and so I hang out with guys more seldomly than girls. Well my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care much that I have tons of guy friends, but he gets aggravated when i mess around with them because he says that I am per say “flirting” with them when in fact I am not or at least it seems that way to me. Such as hitting them hard like two guys would mess around when they are buddies. I do not see a problem with it. I just wish he would understand that I am not trying to flirt that I am just messing around.
I did have a boyfriend that I never met but we talked alot and became much closer so with that we started dating hoping to soon meet after a period of time , but soon he quit contacting me and I could not get a hold of him and so I assumed that there was no more of a relation between us. So recently he contacted me and I confronted him that I had moved on (thinking that he would understand) but he didn’t and started telling me that he had wanted to be together so we could get married and such and my present boyfriend said I should of told him to f*** off . I told him that I was trying not to be mean when truly I am not the mean type. So he got really upset about it. I stopped contacting this person that night just to show David that I loved him and not the other guy. But yet he still says that I should have been mean or in his words handled it alot better. Even though I dreaded it I still told him about the situation because it was the right thing to do right?
Well also another thing he mentioned was that I keep the phone away from him. I do not ussually do so in some cases but its because he asks every single day to see my phone and I get the feeling he doesn’t trust me. I do not mind him seeing it but being asked alot to see it well gets annoying after time.
I have been told that he is such an over protective person because when I am not around him he is like every three minutes what are you doing. I don’t mind it at least it shows he cares but I want him to learn to trust me.
I love him to death but one thing that he did not mention was the fact I am a very indecisive person and when I don’t decide things he gets activated at that too. But when he decides anything I am happy doing what he chooses. It bugs me when he forces me to choose something because it is just the way I am and I hate deciding things.
Oh plus he hates kids and never wants us to have any and well I have diffrent feelings about that how is that going to effect us later in life??
Well i hope you get this soon because I want to read both replies and get some advice from this. thanks
I don’t ask for your phone ALL THE TIME….. It is flirting don’t get me wrong as i said “Like when one does something to get the others attention and the other goes running to them…. In a childish way….” and im 16 i dont wanna think of kids for a long while
ok another thing you were dating josh and talking to scott at the same time we’ve only been dating 2 months and something odd days maybe you should try letting me see your phone when i ask for it let me gain your trust… and about the guy you never met you can treat me like s*** call me names and make fun of me being depressed when we are fighting and you can’t be mean to him and another i text you every three minutes asking what you are doing because we usually have nothing to talk about and i try starting a conversation and i do hate kids but, when i grow up i may somehow may mature and want a kid
forgot but your advise dude who does the advice i got something for you if you dont act like you don’t care because that’s what your basically saying how do you expect for the other to think that you care about them
i was not talking to Josh and Scott at the same time you do not know this anyhow you never knew me and what you heard was probably gossip. About the guy thing I only get mad at you when we are fighting because you want to start stuff and I just start stuff right back at you. What is up with you just throwing stuff up you either do not know the whole story to or you know i didn’t mean because like i have told you before I do not mean half the things I say when I am mad and plus when Im mad at you I talk to my guy-friends instead that’s one reason i don’t text you back half the time when we are in an argument.
And maybe you should treat me with respect at all times like i treat you with respect.
how do I not treat you with respect, I do when its a day to day basis I do admit that I don`t when I am upset or mad at you and I will will try not to be so harsh when we have anymore arguments.
You do treat me with respect most of the time but when we argue you get stupid and call names because you hate being proved wrong when everyone else is telling you are “Kyle O’guin Junior”
Hello David and Melissa, I thought I would reply to you both at the same time as you are both here.
First of all, it’s actually good that you have both let out some of your feelings here and you now know more about what each other’s concerns are. Whilst I don’t believe age is a factor in relationships, as with every relationship, you will be learning a lot about how to treat each other and handle certain situations as it progresses.
David, Melissa actually sounds extremely clued up and as a self-proclaimed good judge of character, I would say that she sounds sincere in her motives towards the relationship and innocent towards any wrongdoing. Perhaps, as she admits, she may not handle every situation in the ‘best’ way but as long as she is honest with you, you have no reason not to trust her.
As for the issue with checking the mobile phone, I can understand the desire to want to see what she is texting other people but at the same time, there is a certain element of privacy that you should respect. Even if Melissa let you see everything that happens on her phone, it is worth considering why you would feel the need to do so.
Not to highlight the point of you guys being young but yes the issue of children doesn’t really need to be addressed right now and your views will undoubtedly change as you get older.
The main point to mention though is the apparent miscommunication going on. You guys would benefit from discussing some of the things you are discussing here in person as a lot of the issues seem to be built-up emotions that can be easily resolved with a bit of mutual understanding.
Take care and feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk about any specific points,
Sam
Women are just a bunch of selfish, egocentric, lying, backstabbing dogs. Whilst it is one thing to have trust in your girlfriend talking to other men, however attractive, especially if she has a friendly, bubbly personality which might be construed as “flirtatious” and men may mistake that as an amorous sign, because should they try to take it any further, the girlfriend will immediately put a stop to it because it was never her intention to flirt in the first place, just being friendly, thats one thing. But the key to that is being friendly, not flirty, a woman can be one without the other. The problem is most women are too stupid to know the difference, they are attention craving whores, each and every last one of them, whatever happened to actually communicating with your partner, actually telling them that perhaps you feel that they could tell you that they are not feeling appreciated, or they wish that you could tell them more that they were beautiful. I mean seriously, who gives a flying fig if some anonymous smartarse stranger thinks your hot when you are married or in a relationship, its whether or not your partner, first and foremost thinks you are attractive, and communicate and talk things through, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes, work at it. The problem is women are all a bunch of worthless, vile, attention seeking whores who have it programmed in them to cheat, always look for greener grass and bigger and better on the other side. It is an absolute load of dross. The fact is that these days nobody has any idea about partnerships or things such as faithfulness and the fact is women are just a bunch of attention whore dogs who are never to be trusted and have destroyed the notion of love, they are all so competitive with regards to their own vanity and desperate for male attention, they are selfish, stupid creatures with no self respect, dignity or pride, they are all just a bunch of worthless whores who do not deserve an ounce of respect. That old chestnut of “oh, they just want to feel and know that they are desired by other people is a crock of utter bull”. Typical, selfish, attention seeking, whore-mongering dross from women who are simply and utterly a bunch of dogs. No wonder men are leaving them on the scrap heap where they deserve to remain, women are a bunch of worthless dogs, stuff them all to hell, women deserve to be used and tossed aside because they bring it on themselves and have no right to complain. Women are a waste of time and I do not want to have anything to do with them ever, screw women to hell, each and every last one of them, all vile, worthless dogs.
Hi Geoff,
I’m not sure what experiences you’ve had with women in the past but I would be interested to hear where you developed these beliefs from. Obviously there will always be some women (and men) who don’t always behave in the best way regarding relationships and dating but generalising all women into that same demographic is only going to negatively affect any future relationships you have…
Sam
Hey Sam
My girlfriend and I have dated for 2, almost 3 years now. The past summer, we broke up due to my lack of attention toward her. This guy came in and almost forced her to date him. She hid this problem from me while we are apart. even during this time we were apart.. whenever she comes to visit, she would come and sleep in an embrace with me at night. When i found out that this guy was trying to win her.. i (much like most man would) reacted. I realized that what i did was wrong. She has a very passive approach in solving this situation while i wanted her to directly tell him “i dont’ like you, leave me alone”.
We have been back together for a while now.. and at first things were shaky between us, it’s gotten much better now to the point where we felt we just fell in love again like when we got together. However, this graduate student that works at her lab… started to hit on her and says horrible things about me infront of her.. She disclose these things to me, which i was glad but i was very angry at him.. I misdirected my frustration at her.. we talked things out and it’s back to normal now.. However.. the grad student is still hitting on her and be-littleing me infront of her every day.. She wouldnt let me go straight up to talk to him.. but i want him to stop bothering us.
I just want to know how to behave/ help her in these situations as my girlfriend is veyr attractive… during my two and a hlaf years with her.. 5 guys came and try to get her from me.. i just want to know how to deal with these predators better and not make her cry ever again.. as i understand.. these things are not faults of hers…
Hey Francis,
It’s unclear if the graduate student and the guy you first mention are the same person. Either way, their behaviour does sound rather unpleasant and the situation should be rectified.
Is your girlfriend becoming notably distressed by this graduate student’s behaviour? Obviously if she is working with him then ignoring him is not an option so if his behaviour/advances are something you mutually want to put a stop to then try and give her the courage to be more decisive in the situation. As you say she is rather passive, you want to try and think of polite, non-aggressive ways that she can tell this guy she feels upset at his unacceptable behaviour. Talk this through with her and be as supportive as you can.
You want to let her know that you empathise with her feelings and that this is for her benefit ahead of yours.
Lastly, don’t worry about guys that don’t know you properly ‘belittling you’… their points will rarely be warranted and your girlfriend will see that. The tactic itself is probably the worst way to win someone over who is already in a relationship and it says a lot more about their character than it does about yours, so try not to concern yourself with any personal comments that are made about you.
Take care,
Sam
Hello, I have a question. I have been with my girlfriend for about 4 and a half months, and there are times that guys hit on her or try to flirt with her. I hold back jealousy and this is my first girlfriend. Recently before my winter break, a guy in my fraternity came into my room one night and my girlfriend and I were their just chillen and he asked her for her number so he could let her know about parties. After I left for home, she went out one night and she said he tried to give her a ride back to the frat house to party and then he got her and one of her friends to come up to his room and tried to give both of them drinks. She felt uncomfortable and left and he tried hug her. Now I just picked my girlfriend up from the airport this past friday and while I was hanging out with her on sunday, he called her to let her know there was a party and then text her and then called her again later on and then left a voicemail. I was there the whole time and he did not know I was there. Then when we went to the party he seemed surprised to see me. He is known for shady behavior in the past and trying to hook up with a girl that had just broken up with a fellow friend and person in the same fraternity. I feel like he is trying to hit on her and she even thinks that too. I feel to betrayed if that is the matter and do not know what to do. Please, if anyone can give any advice that would be great.
Hi James,
As I mentioned at the beginning of the above article, university and college is a time where these concerns are particularly heightened. I was in a similar situation when I first started dating my girlfriend Heidi so I can relate to your situation.
University (especially within fraternities) is a time where most guys are calibrating there social skills and learning the boundaries of relationships properly for the first time. Whilst I don’t condone the behaviour of guys like the one you describe, his behaviour is most likely stemming from a social naivety rather than a personal vendetta.
One thing you can try is to light-heartedly and jokingly call him out on flirting with your girlfriend. As long as you don’t make it sound patronising or accusatory, you can make a joke about it and get a sense of his true feelings and intentions at the same time. How well this works will be largely based on how laidback his personality is. Having said that, you mention that he has a ‘shady history’ regarding friends and relationships so you don’t want to let him know that he is getting to you or that there are frailties in your relationship.
Other than that, if he really is making both of you uncomfortable, simply reduce the amount of time that you specifically hang out with him. Speak to your girlfriend about it and make sure that it is what she wants and that it’s not something you persuade her to do if this is the option you choose.
Take care,
Sam
Hi, This is slightly off topic but related. I have been going out with my GF for 4 years we have spent the past 6 months long distance as I am English and she is Polish. We had been having a few problems which got worse the longer we were apart. She went for a drink with a male friend one day and I joked that she had gone out on a date. She said dont be silly they were just friends. I thought that was the case and really was just messing around.
She became more and more distant over the next 2 weeks and eventually I asked her what was happening. She said that she was unsure about us because I didn’t have much intrest in living in Poland and our relationship was becoming too intense for her and not only was she unsure if she wanted to be with me she had feelings for this other bloke. She had been texting and talking to him for those two weeks discussing her life and our relationship and how she wasnt happy. She hadnt done anything physical but they both knew the attraction was there.
Long story short she came to England for a week I told her I was happy to move to Poland and I loved her and we talked it out and she decided that she wanted to give us a chance.
2 months on we are moving to Poland and she hasn’t been in contact with this guy but she says she doesn’t blame him for what happened and it’s a shame they cant be friends as he is best mates with her sisters boyfriend and they are in a band together. I have said I think it’s best she doesn’t speak to or see this guy but I don’t want to be an asshole who stops her from doing anything she wants to do in her life, but dread the idea that she may have feelings for him again and making it easy and acceptable for them to be friends might make it more likely for her feelings to come back or get stronger. Although she didn’t cheat I still feel like she betrayed me by talking to him instead of me about problems that should be be discussed with me.
There will be plenty of situations where we might bump into this guy when we are in Poland and I really don’t know the best way to act around him. Obviously my gut instinct is to destroy the guy. But I really love this girl and I don’t think I would be showing her the man I would want to be in this situation which is to act as if nothing happened and give the guy a chance. This however is easier said than done and also in the back of my mind I wonder why she wants to be friends with him.
What do you think the best way to act in the situation is both with her and potentially around him?
Hey Tom,
This is a common scenario within a long-distance relationship but it is good that things didn’t get out of hand and now that you are not going to be physically apart from each other, I’m sure the issues will resolve themselves.
This may sound counter-intuitive but by suggesting or telling your girlfriend that you don’t want her to see this guy, you are actually creating a barrier that is one of the foundations that attraction is built upon. Your girlfriend does sound committed to you so whilst I’m sure it isn’t an issue, you don’t want to be denying each other power in certain situations. This is especially true if you are going to continually bump into this guy as you suggest… The issue will never go away if it is constantly made to be an issue!
As for how to act around this guy, I know it might be hard at first but try to be as sociable (friendly) with him as you can when you cross paths. You don’t have to become best friends with him but being polite to him and trying to understand where he is coming from will help in two ways: it will make you feel better about the situation and more in control and also make him respect you as a person that he doesn’t want to betray.
Remember that it’s not this guy’s fault if he is attracted to your girlfriend and from the sounds of it he hasn’t done anything out of line so far; he might actually be a thoroughly nice man if you give him a chance.
Your girlfriend’s feelings might take a bit more effort to align but now that you are together and no longer long-distance, you can constantly work on enriching your relationship.
It sounds like you know deep down how you should act and what you should do but it will take a lot of conscious effort and composure to follow through with that.
Thanks for writing and all the best for life in Poland,
Sam
Hi sam. i love this website. It really showed me that im not the only one that has a problem dealing with jealousy and trust, and you seem like someone I can trust with my feelings so here goes. I am quite young. I am 16 and my girlfriend is 17. We have been dating for nearly 5 months (I know for some that isnt long but for me its the longest) my girlfriend is the party girl and must always have a bf type.
I myself am quite like the jealous type, and we are both very mature for our ages, we have an intimate sex life, and we live in a country probly quite far from you. New Zealand.
My problem is this. my girlfriend goes to many parties most of which i dont go 2. and i am always curious so i txt her while shes there, hows the parties? many guys hitting on you? i know this isnt the right approach but i cant help it. shes always honest with me and tells me many guys hit on her. what should i be doing?
she just went out to this big party tonight, and everyone stays the night in tents,(supply your own). she went with one of her girl mates and 2 of her guy mates. and they didnt take a tent. she told me she(herself) is going to ask someone(random person) if they can sleep in their tent with them.
She has just text me saying shes going around guys tents asking, and shes by herself, she left her mates. i have trust issues, and though we really love eachother, should i not trust her in this situation? what can i ask her to get some truth?
she does drink and she said to me just now “yeah i cheated on you” (i asked her) and she would usually joke about this but i just dont no anymore. is it me having trust issues? or is she just joking around with me? advice please.
another thing is this last night i walked to see her at another party and she said i think we should end it because 2 of your friends really hate me and i know you dont feel comfortable about it. after a few tears we sorted things out. would this have changed much in our relationship?
thanks alot for any advice you can give me.
Hey Matt,
Everyone has to deal with jealousy and trust at some point so you are most certainly not alone in that department.
I’ve dated many ‘party girls’ in the past too and although this creates more vulnerable situations than other types of girls, the dynamics of the relationship and how you should ideally treat your girlfriend are largely the same.
Texting your girlfriend whilst she is at parties is fine but you do want to remove any signs of neediness when you do. It is best not to ask questions that have any sort of underlying assumption where you probably don’t really want to know the answer anyway. Instead of asking “are many guys hitting on you?” you could ask something like “what’s the craziest thing that has happened so far?” That’s obviously just a rushed example but it shows how you can reframe any of your concerns as interest rather than suspicion.
Obviously there are a lot of contextual details to the tent situation but from the sounds of it, it all sounds fun and innocent. The fact that she is texting you information like that shows that she doesn’t have ulterior motives herself. Making sure she is safe and not to be taken advantage of is a different matter entirely; a girl wondering around random tents at night on her own doesn’t sound particularly safe on the face of it so you could ring her in those situations.
A lot of the other situations you are describing revolve around being more assertive and reassuring in the relationship. This does start with learning to trust more easily because without your girlfriend giving you a legitimate reason not to trust her, all these concerns are created solely in your mind.
As for some practical advice, you want to practice starting to take control of more of these situations and more importantly, make an effort to restrain yourself from going down any routes that hint at insecurities (such as asking her if she has cheated or anything similar). These do absolutely nothing positive for the relationship regardless of how she answers, so although they may seem to ease your mind at the time, in the long run they are reinforcing the trust issues and setting up further issues in the relationship.
Trust and jealousy are things that are cured over time, through positive experience and by not letting emotion influence logic. You can raise some of your concerns with your girlfriend if you really feel the need to but like I said, until she gives you legitimate reasons not to trust her, the healthiest option is to trust her fully and take your mind off any of the trust illusions.
All the best,
Sam
hey Sam thanks 4 the advice. but i have another problem here. when i asked her if she cheated on me , as a joke, she said yes she went to base 3 with this guy. I didn’t believe her. later that night i called her and she said she went to base 2 with this guy. and then about two days later she confessed. she said she hooked up with a guy in his car that night of the party and i was soooooo mad. she said that was all they did and it was for about 10 seconds and she didn’t enjoy it at all. she said she fully regretted it and it wasn’t her intention to doing so, but she did give him all the green lights with out realizing. i Forgave her after a while of hard talking and crying.
Now on Tuesday, (yesterday) she came over, and whenever we were talking i could tell something was bothering her so i asked her whats wrong, and whats bothering you and she told me a second side to the story. she said she went to base 2 with the guy, and i asked her for every little detail as i was so furious at this point. she said she was sitting on the passenger side with her legs out the door, and he said you look very pretty and grabbed her face with 1 hand and hooked up with her, then with his other hand he did base 2. Now after this i was so rejected and unwanted, and i asked her at least 10 times is that all? and she said yes. I forgave her once again, and told her i love her too much to lose her. she told me “I did enjoy it but the guilt makes me regret every piece and i would take it back if i could”, and “I love you too much baby”(she said this to me).
But the next piece of this puzzle was by far the worst…..
She told me the shocking truth and what she assures there is no more after this…..
i saw something was once more bothering her, and i said whats wrong now? and immediately stood up walked to the front of my room and said, “I asked you at least 10 times if that was the end of the story and you assured me yes, now tell me what else happened in that car,” she stood up and said, “i will tell you but 1st i must pack my bags because I’m going after this,” and that notified me something big happened. She said,” you probably wont want to ever see my face again after i tell you this, sit down Matt. OK so we went to his car to look for his sandal, no lies, then i sat on the passenger seat with my legs out of the car, he said i looked very beautiful tonight”(hes 19,and shes 17)(dont know why i said that) and then he grabbed her face and hooked up with her for about 10 seconds, and then went to base 2 after that for about 7 seconds after they finished hooking up, and then he went down on her for 5 seconds which was base 3. and then he came back up and they hooked up for a little longer and then she pushed him away and said i”m sorry i cant do this. she told me she really enjoyed it at the time and at the same time she didn’t. meaning he was to rough and she says that nothing is better then doing it with someone you love which I’m guessing is her saying she loves it with me not him, and she said she was just experimenting, seeing if the grass is greener on the other side. and she said it definitely isn’t. i was once again a fool to forgive her. she said the only reason why she didn’t tell me the whole story at the start was because of how i reacted when she said on the phone that all she did was hook up with him. i understand that, but is this really the last story, i didnt notice her acting strange after that, and that gives me the sign she is telling the truth. but do you think i should trust her anymore please advice Sam. oh and she assured me she didnt go base 4 3 or 2 with him. or even feel him up for that matter.(I got all details out of her). I gave her a second chance well 4 or 5 for that matter, but she says she really loves me and regrets it, and i really love her too, but does she deserve me, and if she did it because she was drunk or if she wanted to try an older more mature guy, and can i trust her to not do it again guaranteed if she says so? and also am I being love drunk and not seeing she really did enjoy it but since she had a bf thats the only thing stopping her from dumping me to have sex with him?
Sam i am really need some answers here please help me.
Thank you,
Matt
Hi Matt,
Well this obviously puts a completely different perspective on the situation now that your girlfriend has admitted to all of this.
From my experience, the people who openly admit their unfaithfulness are the ones who typically have the most sincere regret for their actions but that doesn’t excuse what has actually happened.
What they did or did not do is inconsequential when we get to the root of the issue… It is the fact that she betrayed your trust and did things that obviously abused the principles of you relationship that matters. If you can get past the physical acts that occurred then I salute your mental strength and it is just the practical elements of the relationship that are left to manage.
You can put her actions down to naivety or being taken advantage of but even so, it is either something about her character that you can help her to be more self-assured in situations like the one she got herself in, or being more assertive yourself towards what is and what is not acceptable in the relationship.
If you blindly forgive her, then even if she is sincere in her apologies, the psychological statement that you will forgive her regardless of what she does may lead to further issues.
Although her moral principles will be telling her that she has done wrong herself (and the way she hesitantly confessed everything supports this), it is down to you to readdress the balance and let her know that these sorts of things are unacceptable in a monogamous relationship and you won’t let that be continually compromised. She has to believe this to the point that she doesn’t even get into situations where she can get taken advantage of by other guys.
If you do decide to forgive her and work on cementing any parts of the relationship that may have led to her unfaithfulness, you must be 100% candid with your decision and promise for it not to get continually brought up in the future. Only you can decide if you can still trust her.
Good luck in your decision and outcome,
Sam
Hi Sam
I just wanted to quickly say how much this website has helped me and from this page alone, it is amazing to me how much time and effort you have put in to all these replies. I have just sent a donation through the link I found on your homepage. Its not much but is my way of saying thankyou : )
P
Hey Paddy,
Thanks a lot for your kind words and your donation; it means a lot to me and I’m glad my advice has helped in some way!
Sam
Hello, my name is Alex and I’m 17. My girlfriend is turning 16 in a couple months and we’ve been dating for around 8 months now. My problem with guys flirting with her is kind of double-sided.
First of all, there’s the people in our school. They tend to get overly-physical and it really irritates me. For example, about two weeks ago we were in one of our friend’s house, and her friend had one male guest there that my girlfriend had been in forensics with. He got too touchy-feely and ended up doing something way out of hand that I had REALLY wanted to slam him against the wall for. She had only sort of told him never to do it again, but she lacks the assertiveness to really make it clear to guys like that. He knew we had been dating and were really close and can’t judge his actions. I dealt with that problem by telling him that, next time, if she says stop he had better stop. I made it absolutely clear that he would not get away with crossing the line so far again. He took it akwardly, but didn’t make a scene out of it, and my girlfriend was there but didn’t show any signs of disapproval or approval.
The problem is, there’s more than just one that I have to deal with. Some of them are people that I’ve never seen before in her classes that are a grade below me. I know it isn’t her fault, but she isn’t showing enough determination to actually get through guys’ thick skulls. Is this something that I could tell her without getting her upset? If I did, I would say something along the lines of: “You know, one reason why other guys might be touching you/hitting you so much is because the way you tell them ‘no’ is too subtle for them to understand.” or something along those lines.
My other problem is the internet, namely Facebook. I barely ever check mine anymore, but I hear from time to time about things that happens when she gets on. My biggest worry is this kid from Canada that keeps giving her sexual compliments to her looks, etc. I wouldn’t mind it so much, but the fact that they are sexual in nature gets at me and makes me sad whenever I think about it. I want to ask him to stop, but would that be overstepping my boundaries? She knows it upsets me, but again is a bit too nice and even when she does tell someone to stop, the message doesn’t connect strongly enough.
I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I can’t help but feel sad whenever something like this happens. My greatest fear is that, if I begin to act too harshly, is that I will become much like the men I hate most. People like her father, who are controlling, abusive, and psychopaths. I’ve been noticing lately that to get anywhere with people I have to show some agression either just in words or by using intimidating actions (eg. to get any point across to my father I need to use agression.) and it always leaves me with the worst feeling.
On my side, I don’t have much of anyone hitting on me, and if they do I appologize and tell them clearly that I have a girlfriend. Usually the problem is solved that very moment, or if not then within a half an hour of making my point across. I feel so sad about these kind of things because, on my side, I keep my loyalty and don’t let anyone get near the borderline. I never get any sort of close calls that she gets with guys and it doesn’t seem fair. When I bring it up, she always tells me that she will never leave. I believe her, but the fact that these things arent stopping really bugs me. I’m pretty much 100% introvert so I don’t deal with these kind of problems very often but she’s much more social and it makes me afraid of losing her.
Do you have any advice for me?
Hey Alex, thanks for writing.
As I mentioned in one of the other responses, school and other similar close-knit social networks are particularly trying when dealing with outsiders in a relationship. With the age that these guys hitting on her are, a lot of them will still be learning how to act around women themselves.
If someone does actually step over the mark like the example you gave, then obviously you will want to intervene. As for the other guys, you want to help your girlfriend to be more assertive as you suggest and also accept yourself that guys at that age will act in a certain way and that they are no more likely to ‘steal’ your girlfriend either way.
Talking to your girlfriend about dealing with these situations and becoming more assertive is actually a good idea and you are on the right lines with your approach. I would suggest rephrasing some of your words so it is more you leading her towards the correct attitude she could employ rather than telling her what to do. She will feel a lot more encouraged when it is done in this way. This is especially true as you hint that her father is controlling and abusive sometimes, which will have played a large part in where a meek side to her character might have come from.
Facebook messages and comments are something that are so easy to misinterpret or read too much into, and it’s worth remembering that any messages lack the reality that there meaning might suggest.
Once again, if someone is really stepping over the mark (and this should be more from your girlfriend’s point of view than your own) then you can tell them. Otherwise, you’re best completely ignoring the messages yourself once you know that your girlfriend can notice the difference between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. My girlfriend gets lots of similar comments about her looks etc on Facebook from other guys and the best way is to just laugh it off, knowing that whilst it might validate your girlfriend, it doesn’t affect your relationship.
It seems that you are pretty clued up with how to act in situations and understanding things like aggression already. Finding the balance between being authoritative and respected whilst not necessarily needing to show aggression is something that you will perfect the more you have to deal with people.
You also sound like you handle situations where you get hit on perfectly and whilst it will benefit your girlfriend if you help her adopt some of those attributes, it is always going to be more intense and more frequent that a female will have to deal with those situations; it’s just the way modern society is!
All the best,
Sam
I Need Alot Of Advice … Me And My Girlfreind Have Been Dating For 9 Mouths.. We Are In Love With Each Other.. We Are Taken A Break Now Because She Said I Dont Trust Her.. And I Just Dont Know How She Really Beautiful And Alot Dudes Talk Her.. And I Dont Know What Thier TAaalking About.. Who She Is Texting About.. And If She Cheating,, Like She Says She Doesnt Cheat.. And IF She Did Not Want Be With Me She Would Let Me Know.. ut Idk She Liked 3 Other Dudes Since We Been Dating.. But She Said She Just Thought They Where Cute.. But How Do I Know If Thier Not Talking.. IF She Be On The Phone WIth Them For Hours.. They Tell Me That You Have Her Nothing To Worry About.. I Just Dont Want Be Played Or Cheated On. And I Want Trust Her.. But I Just Dont Know She Said She HAs Alot Boy As Freinds But How Do I Know What THier Talking About.. How I Know THier.. Not TAlking About Hooking Up.. Meeting Places.. I Just Need Your Advice..
Hello Jarvis,
Trust is a tricky concept to work with because our minds are very good at making irrational or unjustified scenarios seem very real.
Learning to trust someone comes down to learning to disassociate your mind from hypothetical situations where you know you will have consequential negative emotions and anxieties. This doesn’t just apply to your romantic relationships (from the way you describe your girlfriend briefly, she sounds very trustworthy and honest) but learning this skill in general.
I’m actually currently planning a new article on the very topic of trust in a relationship, so if you subscribe to updates from Sparklife.info, you will automatically receive an e-mail when I have finished writing it.
In the meantime, you can show your girlfriend that you trust her by refraining from accusing, questioning or interrogating her about any of the things you have mentioned, and work on realising that other guys are only a threat if you self-sabotage your own image!
I hope things work out with your girlfriend,
Sam
Hey there, finally decided im brave enough to ask my question! A year ago me and my ex gf broke up, we were together for nearly 2 years, and i found that in that time i would be extremely jealous. I am not a controlling type, im very sensative and compassionate as a person, so i found all that happened was i became upset and depressed, had difficulty sleeping etc for a long time. I used to worry about who she was talking to, where she was, who she was with and was always frightened she would leave me.
Anyway we broke up eventually and i have had a year of single life, where i rebuilt myself and felt confident again and happy with everything. I dated a few girls, nothing serious and reli boosted my confidence. Then a few months ago i met my new lady! She is perfect in every way and even though i didnt expect it iv fallen in love. We are serious about eachother and she is very caring and understanding. However, iv noticed some of these old jealous sort of feelings have started to come back. But i am finding i can cope with it better now, am less irrational and im learning to feel ok with it, she lets me talk to her about this and she helps me. I can put the feelings into words now and talk about it sensibly, whereas i used to be unable to describe the feeling of despair.
I have found now, i trust her completely, shes so wonderful and i dont mind who shes texting, she even has mainly boy friends and sees them a lot, and im fine with it!! The one thing im having issues with still, wich i want to get over more than anything in the world, is i cant stand the concept of other guys LIKING her. A few of her male friends have confessed to being in love with her etc. in the past, and im wary of these guys intentions. I just want to understand WHY it bothers me so much, when i know im not going to lose her to them? I just hate the idea of another man looking at her in the way that i do and it hurts me a lot inside. Once im over this hurdle i feel i can be my happy, funny self all the time and be the man iv always wanted to be. But please can you try to explian to me why i could feel this way? Im open to the concept of counselling or whatever it will take. Thanks sooooo much in advance.
Hi Curtis, thanks for writing.
That’s great that you’ve found someone you work so well with and that you’ve learnt to trust her completely. Having a partner who is willing to discuss feelings is great when it is done with mutual understanding.
I completely understand how you feel about other guys ‘liking’ your girlfriend, perhaps as if they are disrespecting your relationship or devaluing it in some way. It’s an instinctual relationship trait in men to be the ‘protector’ of loved ones and the feelings partly stem from that.
In modern society, another male showing interest in your girlfriend is not a big deal, nor is it a factor in her faithfulness directly. The way to condition yourself to this sort of indifferent, self-assured attitude is to reframe how you perceive these other guys.
Instead of thinking of them as disrespectful, threatening or a cause for jealousy, frame it as a reason for you to be proud of your girlfriend and relationship, and although not in an arrogant way, that you are enviable.
Although when confronted with external infatuation it is easy to relate their feelings to that of your own, this is an illusion created both by you and by these male instigators. Any serious case of infatuation is almost always a result of a lack of abundance in that person’s love life, which actually makes it impossible to share the components of true love.
So whilst there are both psychological and emotional reasons why we would dislike attention towards our girlfriends from other guys, it is convincing yourself without doubt that they are not a threat that will make you completely at ease. Then you can concentrate on continuing to keep your relationship fulfilling so it becomes even less of an issue.
It is also worth noting that although it may seem like the feelings of these other guys are vindictive, they rarely are. Because of this, a useful way I find to overcome the situation is to force myself to treat them like I would if I wasn’t aware of their infatuation at all. Befriending someone in this situation for example sends the right messages to both them and yourself about the underlying assumptions on everyone’s relationship status.
Take care and feel free to write again anytime,
Sam
Hey man. Im back with my girlfriend after a 4 month break and stuff happened whilst we was apart wich i have been told about but I cnt get the nasty images out my head got any advice man cause it drives me crazy
Hi Jay,
I understand how the images you’re mustering up won’t be pleasant ones but here are a few things to think about.
The situation isn’t too dissimilar to thinking about a girlfriend’s ex-boyfriends or past sexual history; I imagine you are magnifying the situation because it was such a short and specific time-frame; one where you could have been together.
As I’m sure you know, mentioning this time-period or letting it affect your relationship in any way (such as during any arguments for example) is only going to have negative results so the first thing is to not let it become a discussion topic unless you think you will handle it calmly.
As for actually getting the images out of your mind, there really is no other advice other than to understand that there is nothing wrong, worth comparing, or vindictive about the time you were apart. Then spend time actively taking your mind off of those thoughts and engaging in activities that are unique to your relationship.
Good luck,
Sam
Thanks so much Sam, what you have said makes perfect sense to me, and even though it is hard sometimes i shall do everything i can to remmeber what youv told me and use it. I think this page is a fantastic idea, and i think that you are a very kind person for taking the time to reassure people like myself. Its too hard to find much help on this kind of subject and its nice to find someone whos genuinely clued up on it and understands. So thanks once again for your response and all the best to you, keep up the good work!
You’re very welcome; I’m glad you find my advice helpful and good luck applying it.
I have just received your e-mail with further questions and I shall reply to that shortly.
Sam
Hello Samuel,
I am currently dating a girl who has an amazing figure and we are going on eight months. We just recently lost our virginity to each other and are madly in love. She is a very conservative dresser by nature but since I have met with her I have bought her some sexy outfits.
We are both excited to don our new duds and hit the town next Sat night in Toronto. The only problem is I have never been in a fight and do not know how to deal with assholes that cause confrontation over an attractive girl.
I know this may seem far fetched, but oddly enough I have found my self in these situatuins with girls (just friends) when I was younger, and shamefully done nothing. I do not want to make the mistake of passiveness again. I would take martial arts, but I don’t have or want a criminal record. I want to be prepared to defend my girl, but don’t know how far to take it
advice?
Cheers,
Drew
Hey Drew,
I understand your concerns and wanting to defend your girlfriend when necessary. Both complete passiveness and physical fights are the two extremes of these situations though and are generally never the best solution.
It is very rare that you would actually need to resort to physical violence over anything, especially protecting your girlfriend from random men; in fact, I would go as far to say that physical aggression can ALWAYS be avoided with a calm demeanour.
So having said all that, you want to find a healthy balance between the two attitudes of being passive and being aggressive, as I mentioned in the main article. This means taking control of the situation yourself if anything arises, in a calm and friendly way and if anything escalates beyond that then I would suggest that removing you and your girlfriend from the situation completely would be the best idea.
Have fun on your night out and remember that if you don’t worry about a situation and don’t accept anyone’s attempts to rile you or your girlfriend then nothing will be a real issue.
Sam
Hello Sam!
I don’t really have any problems with her, our relationship is stable and very much happy. I know her very well, and vise versa. We see each other every weekend and we have future plans to live together and thus see each other daily. The relationship stands intact because our unique team work that maintains us together every single day, we dearly love ourselves very much and we are crazy about each other. But, there’s something I’ve some concerns. We live far away (Around 150 miles away), I can’t be there to make any guy’s mind clear that she’s mine, and that we’re a very loving couple (In the most gentle manner possible). She doesn’t go out much, and when that happens it’s to buy something with her sister, or taking a walk alone, but that is usually with me on the phone. On her job there are guys that work around the area and she has told me that one of them was hitting on her. I once asked her what would she do if girls around me hit on me or try to get my attention? She stated: “I would laugh”, and when I asked her; “why?”, she said; “Because it will never have any effect on you”. I smiled and clearly whispered “I love you”. I now think the same way, but, my mind is kind of a hard rock and I still want to make those guys clear of who I am and what we are. Don’t think me wrong, I do trust her deeply, and I know no one will ever draw her away from me, I am very sure and purely confident about that. But for some unknown reason (To me) I still feel like I should let those guys know. Any ideas will be very much appreciated.
Thanks, Rey.
Hello Rey,
The way you’ve described your relationship sounds great and it sounds like you have a really solid, happy relationship.
The way your girlfriend says she would handle other girls hitting on you is the perfect attitude, and one worth replicating. Fully trusting that you could handle the situation yourself and being self-assured enough in the relationship that you wouldn’t run off unannounced with anyone else is an extremely healthy and positive attitude to have.
Having said that, it’s fair to say that men hit on women with far more vigour and frequency than vice versa, so there might need to be a slightly more active part from you when the situation is reversed.
Although it’s impossible for me to fully know your girlfriend’s personality from what you have written, I imagine that she knows how to make other guys aware that she is in a relationship herself. The fact that she consciously knows when a particular guy is hitting on her infers that.
There’s no problem in finding out for sure by asking her how she handles those situations and how she lets people know that she is in a relationship, but going out of your way to let other guys know a woman is taken is not really going to achieve anything more than her own doing.
Even if she isn’t particularly forward at revealing her relationship status, feeling the need to make sure every guy knows you are a happy couple will come off as insecure. You obviously are secure in your relationship from the way you have described it, so the simple advice is to follow through with the trust you have for your girlfriend and try not to concern yourself with what other guys might be thinking.
Thanks for writing,
Sam
Sam,
I fell in love with a girl who lied to me and cheated on me, and it really hurt me for a long long time. It affected my confidence and image of myself. She begged for me back but I said no because i didnt want the stress of dealing w/ trust w/ her. I wanted someone more trustworthy i suppose, and to start a new. Ive been dating other girls, and for the most part, things have been alright-but i am very aware of the insecurity and feelings of jealously that arise within myself.
So-moving forward-I am now dating a very attractive girl, who is flirty, a bartender, and basically has guys trying to get in her pants all the time. She has also been one of my best friends for the last 3 years so i know alot about her. I know she enjoys the attention, and is not a very confrontational girl-meaning even if she didnt enjoy some guys flirting w/ her she would not say anything to them. When we were just friends I would watch how she acted w/ her bf and sometimes think, “if i were her bf id feel uncomfortable with that…” and now i am her bf-feeling uncomfortable. Example-i knew she had feelings for this guy while with her other bf and she intentionally tried to be around him(rationalizing a reason) and hang out with him-never cheating physically though. Also, since weve defined ourselves as monogamous, she had one guy, who she just had a sexual relationship w, over to her house to watch a movie with just them 2. i know she didnt physically cheat on me, but this, and knowing those things from her old relationship, made me feel really uncomfortable, thus, insecure, negative, and jealous. Its more about her not respecting how that might make me feel than fearing her actually hooking up w/ him bc I know 100% that she really really likes only me. I think maybe she just likes the attention bc it makes her feel good or something…but i could be wrong. shes socially more liberal than i am.
I am often filled w/ insecurity about how shes playing w/ other guys intentions, although i know she doesnt want to be w anyone else-at least now. I dont want to change her socially at all, and wish she would think about how certain things would lead other guys on(but maybe she does know and isnt so naive) and how that makes me feel.
my own personal opinion is that you really shouldnt date someone u dont entirely trust, so taking my own advice, i should break up w/ her. but bc weve been so close for soo long, im really trying to make this work w/ us, and within myself. How should i go about dealing with insecurity and lack of confidence in her actions and myself? sometimes, i dont feel its worth it, but my feelings for her skew my rationale.
Hi,
It’s understandable that you may feel cautious about your girlfriend’s behaviour, especially having been cheated on in the past. It was great that you were so assertive with how you ultimately dealt with that last relationship but in practical terms, what happened in that relationship is independent from this one. This also refers to your girlfriend and her previous relationship too.
Having said that, there is most likely something in how you are conveying your standards alongside the whole issue of respecting each other’s feelings.
Your girlfriend undoubtedly will like the attention from other men and probably does feel in control with most of these situations you describe. Either way, you don’t want to change her character too much for fear of hypothetical scenarios.
Whilst jealousy and related insecurities are something that can only be dealt with individually through various personal development techniques, being uncomfortable with a specific scenario is something acutely different and that is something you should talk to your girlfriend about.
As you say, you are unlikely to come to any decision by making a logical analysis of all these factors but you do want to decide if any issues of trust are warranted or simply a fear of being cheated on.
Speak to your girlfriend about the potentially trivial things that are noticeable inconsiderate to your feelings (such as her having guys over to watch movies for example), so you can get reassurance about those. For all the other circumstances, try to focus on and heighten the positive aspects of your relationship that are void of any of these insecurities, and work on trusting your girlfriend (assuming there are no legitimate concerns with her fidelity) separately.
All the best,
Sam
Ok so theres this guy who used to be my freind and he started hitting on my girlfieind all the time. he is always smiling around her and trying to sit next to her. i already told her what i think but i haddled it terribly geting jealose, she told me that she likes him as a freind and that he dosent like her but its pretty obvious. she just told me that he texts her and tells her things about me that are untrue, and we got into a big fight about it
what should i do about it now?
Hi Phill,
As of now, your girlfriend says she likes this other guy only as a friend and that is probably true. Having said that, the more you bring up the subject with your girlfriend and show signs of jealousy, anger and a lack of control, the more your value as a boyfriend drops, and his value as a possible suitor increases.
Whether he is intentionally trying to create that outcome or not, it doesn’t affect your relationship as long as you concentrate on the positive aspects of your relationship and being the best boyfriend you can possibly be. There are several articles on this website that deal with this particular attitude, if you browse the archives.
You mention that this guy used to be your friend; did you fall out because of him appearing to hit on your girlfriend? As I’ve mentioned before, showing signs of contempt or hostility towards someone in this situation is only going to make them not care if they do try anything with your girlfriend.
If he really is saying things about you that are untrue and your girlfriend acknowledges this, then it only highlights his insecurities and lack of self-confidence in the situation, in which case as long as you keep things positive between you and your girlfriend, you will always have the upper hand!
Take care,
Sam
Hello Sam,
I’ll start by saying i’m a pretty laid back guy, never got into a fight because I never had too. My girlfriend of 3 years is very pretty and very sexy and I have to deal with assholes in bars or even walking down the street making comments. most of the time I take it as a complement but lately they have been disrespectful. Usually this is coming from guys in packs whore are drunk and looking to fight so we just end up ignoring it as she doesnt want me to get into any confrontations. It has never gone as far as someone touching her but the verbal comments are starting to bother me. Lately I feel like if I dont deal with the situation its going to seem like I dont care about her but I also dont want to put us in a situation one day that can get her hurt. (getting jumped is not a problem, it would be her not listening to me and trying to help and getting hit that would hurt more.)
thank you.
Hi,
It seems like the way you’ve dealt with these situations in the past has worked well. When dealing with groups of drunken, rowdy guys who are obviously not out to make friends then ignoring them and walking away is often the best option.
A part of it does come down to how you perceive and react to these guys in the first place though. Referring to them as “assholes” or anything similar gives the impression that before they’ve even said anything, you have already framed them as negative, threatening and adversary.
It’s extremely rare, even for drunk, rowdy guys to get confrontational with someone who isn’t reacting [negatively] to their actions.
If you ever play team sports it’s a similar thing. If you treat the opposition as friends rather than opponents you actually get treated far more fairly and respectfully than if you try to size up mentally or physically to anyone.
You say you’re a laid back guy and that is the kind of attitude that will avoid any of these situations escalating too far or getting violent. In the worst case scenario you can always ignore and leave with your girlfriend like you originally suggested.
You could even discuss with your girlfriend having a clear way to communicate with each other if one of you isn’t comfortable in a certain situation, making it easier to decide when to befriend or when to politely leave.
All the best,
Sam
Hi, My GF gets lots of hits by guys, normaly I dont get jeallous, but I was drunk I got really mad about this guy aproaching her in a private party and told her, and we got into a fight (me and my gf this was 5 days ago). ok I fucked up.
I know but since that day I think she is kindly avoiding me., maybe I am over reacting,,, but..
how do you suggest I behaive?
Hi John,
Yes, alcohol can often be the bane of these types of situations as it reduces our logical reflexes and increase our subconscious mind. The only advice I can offer there is to know your limits and how it affects your decisions in the future when you are with your girlfriend.
If your girlfriend is still being slightly off since that event, be careful that your reactions to her change in behaviour don’t prolong those feelings. The best thing you can do to forgive and move onwards is to call yourself on your behaviour but be sympathetic towards hers. In a respectful and confident manner, apologise for what happened. This is not in any way supplicating; it is simply stating that you are aware your actions might have been out of line due to the alcohol. After that, drop the subject completely and concentrate on getting her in a positive, happy state again when you are next with her.
It will usually take seeing how you handle similar situations in the future for her to totally forget about it but make sure it doesn’t allow any resentment to fester in the meantime.
All the best,
Sam
You’re awesome! I feel the need to say that your that needle in the haystack. A lot, if not all, advice I completely agree with. Once again, thank you!
- Rob
Hi Rob,
Thanks a lot for your kind words. Hopefully everyone who gets something out of what I write will spread the word and more people be able will find this website in the future. Your support is very much appreciated.
Sam
Hey Sam,
Last night my girlfriend was at a party. I was at a friends house just hanging out. Later that night she had called me and told me there was this guy at the party that was being very nice with her and just talking to her. A hour passes and he starts acting different. He asks for her phone number and says they should hang out. She politely says they can be friends but she has a boyfriend. The guy continues to act upon his goal of getting with my girl and says things like you should be with me instead of your boyfriend and things like that. My heart sunk and I don’t know what to think. I trust her, I just am worried she is telling me she didn’t give him her number when she might have. She also didn’t want me to send him a message over facebook about the situation. I was just going to tell him that it was very disrespectful to continue to pursue my girl when she said no, and even walked away from him. What should I do?
Hi Jake,
If it remains just that one night at the party where this guy was hitting on your girlfriend, I would consider letting it blow over. In the heightened state of a party (especially if alcohol is involved), a man’s libido can overpower his moral compass so to speak.
More may need to be said if this guy does start pursuing or harassing your girlfriend further but you can encourage your girlfriend to continue to be open and honest about any communication or interactions by showing her that you won’t overreact at any point.
For me, unless I am introduced and given a chance to understand or befriend these guys myself, I generally find it best to let my girlfriend deal with them in her own way (it seems your girlfriend is also attempting to do this by clearly stating she has a boyfriend). I will only get properly involved if she is becoming particularly unnerved by the situation.
Regardless of your girlfriend’s wishes, sending him a message on Facebook is unlikely to achieve much anyway. If it was just a futile ‘in the moment’ attempt to get a woman by this guy then a message from you is unnecessary and perhaps even fuelling something that is no longer there.
If, on the other hand, he does want to pursue your girlfriend, he has already shown that he doesn’t have any respect for your relationship and in that case, messaging him would communicate to him that he is getting to you.
The competing mentality of a guy like this actually hinders his chance of winning your girlfriend over, assuming you continue to be a great boyfriend, so whilst there continues to be nothing too sinister going on, show support and trust for your girlfriend and don’t give any more attention to this guy than he deserves.
Let me know if anything else does develop and we can discuss more specific advice.
Sam
Hey, well my girlfriend and i have been going out for about 8 months now, But she is still very close to one of her ex’s. They were together for around 9 months, even though he has a partner too, he still seems to flirt with her. The other day he even told her that he misses her on IM, she’s always talking to him. And even when i’m around them both, they still seem to act like a couple, i mean like for instance, we were at a party the other day, we went back to my mates house, there was about 13 of us. And me my Gf, her ex and his gf are all sitting on the sofa. My gf gets up to get a drink, and immediately the ex gets up, and starts dragging her onto another sofa and tickling her, they are both laughing and they stand up. Then she jumps on his back he they topple over onto the floor and they lay there laughing. But me and the ex’s gf and still sitting on the sofa and give each other weird looks. The thing is aswell that my gf and her ex’s gf are mates. another time we were sitting on a bus me next to her ex and my gf next to his infront of us. now the girls are talking to someone else infront of them, so the ex starts tapping my girlfriend on the head, then she turns round and he interupts their conversation to start talking to her, completely ignoring his own gf and me. should i be worried about this, she says she wouldn’t go back to him, because he left her for another girl twicem and she is woth me now. but they have so much history and are still close.
thanks, chris.
Hey Chris,
This is indeed a tricky and delicate situation. It is commendable that your girlfriend has no bad feelings with her ex-boyfriend but it is not surprising that they are acting in this way.
There are usually two contrasting relationships that develop once a couple split up. The first is a distinct emotional disassociation from each other, used as a subconscious ego-protection to justify the relationship ending. The second is what is happening in your case, where they are trying to remain friends and fit social conventions but due to sharing an intimate past, find it hard to shift to a completely platonic relationship.
Telling your girlfriend about some of the things that make you feel uncomfortable is fine, as long as it is done without accusation, jealousy or anger. The main factor though is asserting yourself as the boyfriend and not letting her ex-boyfriend control group interactions to the extent you describe. Note that I do not mean being confrontational here, I simply mean working on being more inclusive and leading when the four of you are together. The clues will be in how this other guy acts with his actual girlfriend as to what is really going on.
Even if you do the two things suggested above, you will still have to accept that they are probably going to act more ‘flirty’ with each other than with other friends, simply because of how comfortable they are with each other. As long as you are always in the loop and continue to define your roles of you as her boyfriend and him as her friend, nothing sinister will develop.
Take care,
Sam
Hey Sam I read your article and it really helped me out, but I could really use your advice! I have known my GF for 5 months been dating her for 3 months and we live long distance, about 6 hours away. We have both have the dream to move to California and we decided end of August we are going to get a place together out there and go for it. We see one another every 2 weeks for a week at a time. We talk on the phone all the time and she texts me all the time but I can’t seem to shake the long distance jealousy problems I have.
When we first met each other she contacted me like crazy and it was mutual but now that she has become more comfortable with me, while she is out with her friends she doesn’t respond as often. We have had a discussion on it how out of concern I would like to hear from her while she is out just once to let me know she is okay and she agreed. At first it was a bit of a battle because she didn’t feel she had to “report” into me but we worked that out. She also said its just that she is comfortable with me and trusts me and feels she doesn’t have to text or call me as often because we will be living with each other in 8 weeks. My main issue is I go out a lot and of course I meet a lot of attractive women but no matter where I go or what I do I know I will be faithful. My GF goes out with all her girls once in a while to ladies night at a club and sleeps out at her GF’s houses sometimes if she is drank to much and cant drive, which is fine but why do I go crazy thinking all this madness??? This guy named “XYZ” is obsessed with my girl and talks to her best friend like “hook me up with her shes soo hot” and her friend will be like “she has a boyfriend stop” he goes “I don’tt care hook me up.” She gets invited to a lot of parties where there are a lot of guys that still like her and I am 6 hours away!!! I know I am going to be living with her but how can I just relax and not think all this crazy crap?? I know she is a loyal girl who btw is 21 years old but a very mature one, and I know she really cares about me, when we see each other its magic, but knowing she is going to party on a saturday with a guy that likes her who doesnt care that she is dating someone that will still try to hit on her with me being 6 hours away, I can’t help but to almost tell her to not go, but I can’t do that. Please help!!!
Hey Sam, I have to also add to my previous post that my GF is under a lot of “pressure.” She is moving out of the house to California with me and she is working full time to save up money. I am currently unemployed with enough money saved but her family recently has been throwing comments at her like “I hope he isnt going to sit home unemployed while you work.” I am learning she is very very easily influenced and takes family advice a little too much recently. We had a serious talk the other night and she agreed to not be as easily influenced and convinced by outside sources and that she is willing to do what it takes to live with me.
Just wanted to add that, thanks!!
Hey Tom,
It is sometimes hard for guys to relate to the female state on a night out, as men and women generally have differing agendas and emotional states when socialising with friends. Your girlfriend’s sentiments are not only spot on but they also sound very sincere when she states that she doesn’t feel she has to contact you as often because she now feels completely comfortable with you. Previously, whilst still in the attraction/honeymoon phase, texting her new boyfriend aligned with those very states women have on a night out. It is simply the relationship evolving and that is a good thing.
You can tell your girlfriend that you would appreciate a text at the end of the evening so that you know she had fun and got home safely… but be careful never to demand it, nor get annoyed if she forgets. Pressure for her to text more frequently against her own decision and you are liable to not only continually break her convivial state (which she will anchor directly to you) but at worst, come off as needy whilst she is out having fun.
The only practical advice I can give when you know she is out with friends is to send a quick, nonchalant yet fun text at the beginning of the night wishing her a fun evening and then do something to completely take your mind off it until you hear from her, so you’re not constantly thinking about what she may or may not be getting up to.
Everything you’ve said about your relationship points towards there being mutual trust so making a conscious effort to adjust your thoughts whenever the ‘irrational logic’ kicks in is the only short-term solution to this form of jealousy. This also applies to this upcoming party. Make sure your interactions until then are the usual positive and happy ones and believe that there is nothing a random guy can do in one night to affect your relationship. Telling her not to attend or even hinting that you don’t want her to go would be the worst thing you could do. If she has good, close friends with her (even better if they are friends of yours too) then they will look after her I’m sure.
Whilst the long-distance aspect is only a temporary setup in your case, the basis of the above feelings of jealousy and trust are actually independent from logistics. That is, whilst you are living together, although the feelings may seem diluted as you will feel more in control, they will still exist. Whilst living together, assuming you keep your own social lives to some extent, there will still be times where she is off on her own, so it is worth working on now.
The parallels between the logistics of your relationship and my own are actually uncanny… The situation of being long-distance, deciding to live together and the influence of her family mirror my experiences with my girlfriend Heidi remarkably well. I have been self-employed for the past few years and Heidi’s family had similar concerns about the stability of my finances. I took it upon myself to write them an informal letter reassuring them of my means of supporting our future as well as briefly talking about my ambitions and goals to ease their natural concern. This went down really well for me so if you think it will work well with your girlfriend’s parents then it is worth considering. Second to that, it is great that you are encouraging your girlfriend to think independently and not be influenced so heavily by other people.
Thanks for writing and good luck for California!
Sam
Sam your advice is great and very helpful, I really appreciate you taking the time to write back to me. Unfortunately since I wrote to you last a serious event came up with my relationship and I’m gonna have to get your advice again please. Please bare with me its a long post but you need to know all the details to give me your best opinion thanks so much!!
Basically I woke up yesterday morning and packed my car to head up 6 hours to visit my girlfriend for the week. With all problems we had set a side I thought that would be the end of it, I would travel up have an amazing time and everything would be back to normal. Well before I left my house in the morning I checked my cell bill online like I always do and I noticed I was over my minutes and texting. Normally my bill is always the same and I never check into it but this time I decided to look at the texting and see where I went over. My GF has her phone on my account so I can see the usage on both our phones. I clicked on mine and I saw nothing, then I clicked on hers and she has this number that has been texting her and she has been texting back and forth all day and all night for the past 5 days. (during the period when we where arguing etc) I even noticed she sent picture messages to this number at crazy hours of the night. After really looking over it, I realized the times she was telling me work was “busy” and she was “out” and couldn’t talk to me she was texting this random number A LOT. So being the circumstance that it was I called it and it was a guy who answered and I said “I’m sorry I think you called me who is this? This is XYZ.” Well XYZ is her ex boyfriend….
I started my drive up and I was an hour into my drive and I said you know what Ill mention the number when I get there no biggy and then I thought to myself….what am I a moron!?? I called her and said “Hey before I drive 5 hours more I was checking the bill and we went over what number is 123-123-1234?? She goes ohh its probably one of my GF’s I said oh yeah you sure?? Who’s XYZ? She went silent….said its my ex. Lets just say I pulled off the road and went insane. You are texting your ex more the past 5 frigin days telling me your busy and your texting him!? You are hiding this and lying to me!? The other night (she works overnights) she told me around 3am she was busy at work call me when she gets home at 7am. I never got a call, she said she was sooo tired she feel right asleep when she got in. BUT the phone bill shows she was texting her ex from 1am-730am CONSTANT sending picture messages at work and texting him but she was to tired to call her actual current bf when she got home lol unreal??
I basically told her to have a nice life and don’t ever call me again, turned back home, called my service provider and shut her phone off and didn’t answer her calls all day. Finally I answered some weird number that night and it was her. We talked. She was upset and said she was just talking to him because its hard for her to turn people away even if there her ex’s her EX’s sister got into an accident and he really needed someone to talk to, and then we just talked about what ever happened to us and if I still thought of him etc which i do once in a while. OKAY I heard enough…Whats with the pictures I asked? She said he wanted a picture of us together so I sent him some old photos I had of us thats all.
Everything she ever told me in my mind, I have to question now. Was she out with her girls that night when I didn’t hear from her all night? Did she really not see him or hook up with him when she said she never did? She said she still has her old phone connected on another service because she can’t turn it off until end of July, she says she turns it on from time to time to see who texted her because thats just how she is. So has she been turning it on and talking to guys this entire time we have been dating?? Did she see this ex in person? Sleep with him, kiss him? A million things run through my mind and I question everything she said now. I told her all this and she was just shocked. She told me she feels like a piece of crap and never physically did anything with her ex but she is just confused with the move to Cali and she wants a BF but doesn’t want to always have to check in etc. I told her then you need be single lol. She said I shouldn’t break up with her because she started talking to her ex..she wants to be with me and spend her life with me.
Long story short, I told her to take a day or two with no contact with each other and evaluate the relationship. I want to be with her but really being 6 hours away unless she jumps through hoops to show me that she is NEVER going to pull crap like that again I can’t trust/be comfortable with her going out while I’m 6 hours away. I said you need to check in with me at least so I know your okay while your out, NOT every hour on the hour but once your settled in. You need to NOT talk to ex’s or guys that you know that I wouldn’t appreciate you talking to and you need to get rid of that old phone. If you want to be with me you are going to have to really show me and pull a 180 and prove it to me, your committing to move with me to California because I need to go either way and pursue my dream with or without you. Take the weekend to think about it and call me to discuss it at the end of the weekend and if you can do that, we can see what we can do but if you have the slightest tiniest feeling that you can’t uphold that then we need to split off. Now I await her call..
She sent me a photo last night, her 13 year old brother who really likes me took all the things I gave her and piled them on the bed and she took a photo of it and sent it to me saying “can you guess what my brother wants me to do =).” I just can’t take it. My father says I need to be a man and be done with her or he will disown me LOL. I don’t know what to do Sam. Please don’t hold anything back and give me your blunt honest opinion! If she calls and says I can make things work, do I re-list the things I want her to do? Do I end up driving up there this weekend like I was going to?? Let me know what you think thanks a billion!
-Tom
Hi again Tom,
I know communicating with an ex is typically seen as a cardinal sin but it really shouldn’t be and in fact I always encourage my girlfriends to stay friendly with their ex-boyfriends. Remember that she is no longer with him for a reason… and she is also with you for a reason!
Getting down to the nitty-gritty of the situation, there are three different reasons why she has been texting her ex-boyfriend:
1) She is getting emotional stimulus from him that is lacking from her interactions with you (a hint that the relationship is becoming subdued)
2) There is something going on and she is actively rekindling their past relationship.
3) She is just being polite. Perhaps the ex-boyfriend has ulterior motives but she is naive to them.
From what you have said about her reaction, it suggests she is in the last bracket. She probably knew it was potentially damming to be honest with you about texting her ex-boyfriend, which is why she kept it secret.
Of course, there could be more to it and that will be down to you to understand, weighing up all the variables. The thing to try and control is getting too inside your head. All the “what ifs” and over-analysing will only lead you to resent her, regardless of the reality of the situation.
The cooling off period probably is a good thing for the two of you and it’s up to you to decide if she deserves the benefit of the doubt. If everything she is saying is true, the issue is in trusting her and not what she has actually done. Either way, you want to have a calm, rational talk, void of any accusations, where you can find out why she felt the need to keep this all secret from you.
All the best and keep me updated,
Sam
Hey there, I need help on what to do on situations where a guy inapporpriatly touches my girlfriend, I was walking with her and a group of guys walk up and just start trying to make conversation with us, after awhile they were going to leave and the tallest one walk over and spanks my girlfriend’s ass and runs off. I was in shock that he did that in the firstplace and that my girlfriend didn’t do anything! I know she loves me alot but I didn’t know how to react! It all happend so fast, I wanted to punch him in the face but there were 3 of them and I know I would lose and that it would be wrong, afterwards she knows that I am very pissed and she tells me to just forget it happend and be happy, but I’m not. I don’t want this to happen again, but I don’t know how to handle the situation. Please help and tell me what I should do.
Hey Bob,
There are obviously varying degrees of how other guys can ‘touch’ your girlfriend. A guy spanking your girlfriend like that leans more towards playful and innocent rather than grossly inappropriate.
What really matters is how your girlfriend feels about it. A man should be able to protect his woman when SHE feels threatened or uncomfortable… Any other time and it is merely a form of instinctual jealousy under one of many guises.
So to answer your question, I would say your girlfriend has the right attitude in just laughing it off and forgetting about it. You should only step in and calmly and confidently say something to another guy if he is constantly doing things that verge on sexual harassment.
Take care,
Sam
Hey Sam,
Tom here again. I just want to say your advice has been awesome. Honestly to take the time to help out us guys out with our relationship problems is a really great thing your doing, and I just wanted to say thank you once again.
Last I told you about my girlfriend situation was I caught her talking to her ex boyfriend by a phone bill I received and she lied told me it was one of her GF’s and everything went hay wire. We had a huge blowout back and forth for days, I didn’t answer my phone for 3 days, it just went on and on and I really thought it was over, until today. I read everything you wrote last time about the brackets how you feel “She is just being polite. Perhaps the ex-boyfriend has ulterior motives but she is naive to them.” and I believe that to be true.
We finally talked things out and agreed to meet half way with how we feel and forget all the hurtful things we said to one another, and put them in the past. I am officially moving as of August 19th with or with out her. She said she wants to be with me, and she would want me to go out and get things together and set up so it will allow her to save more money, prepare, and then come out to live with me. We are planning a weekend for me to go and see her before I leave (remember we live long distance) to talk about everything and make good of everything we just went through.
My final thoughts are am I making a mistake? She out right lied to me about talking to her ex which would leave me thinking what else could she of lied about? I do still trust her and don’t think she did anymore then “talk” to him, despite the fact she sent him “non nude photos” and told she was sleeping when she was talking to her ex..that is hard to forgive still. But say I do stay with her and move out across country and set things up, whats to say she isn’t going to lie about being out somewhere when she is really seeing her ex or far worse? I really care about her and I don’t feel she has done anything to just banish her from my existence, but I know question things that she tells me..
how do you feel about this situation? I am making a bad move? I am unsure what to do could use your help again, thanks a lot Sam!
Thanks a billion,
Tom Spiegel
Hi Tom,
That’s great that you’ve decided to move and not let any side-issues affect your decision.
If your girlfriend is moving with you, I personally would recommend thinking of the move as a trial in your mind anyway. I wouldn’t specifically tell her that it’s a trial but it’s usually when a couple drop everything and financially decide to live together quickly and long-term that the pressure of the situation can surface.
The weekend together to spend time with each other and discuss everything sounds like a great idea. Lying in a relationship (something I have written about previously here) is something that the two of you will want to come to a mutual understanding on… Specifically, knowing what sorts of things are acceptable and not acceptable to each of you and how you feel when it seems like you are being lied to.
The most important point though is to make sure that if you decide to forgive and forget the whole business of her talking to her ex secretly, that you genuinely do put it behind you! This means never bringing it up in future arguments or using it as an example for her trustworthiness. In the aftermath, she will already have a better understanding of how you feel about being lied to. She will therefore automatically act differently if something similar were to happen in the future. How she acts differently will be determined by what she learns about how you feel about lying and how you react to it from now on.
Good luck,
Sam
Hey Sam,
First of all, thanks for all the great advice! My girlfriend and I are one hour away from each other. She works in an amusement park where she’s the manager of a department. She is constantly getting hit on by these random guys that work under her. She tells me about them and i have absolute trust in her. But i can’t help but to feel jealous or uncomfortable and act a little distant when she talks about them with me because i get angry at them (though i never show her any attitude or anger towards her). I just started work and she’s REALLY busy with work where she has to call people to work the next day at home now. We have been talking less this week and i am afraid this may become a routine where we only send a couple of txt to each other and that’s it. I can’t help but to feel a tug in my heart about her not feeling as happy about our relationship. What should i do? I am afraid i m just thinking too much into this and may eventually start ot think stupid like she’s cheating on me. Please help!
Hi Francis,
There will always be times in a relationship where other aspects of life can seem to take priority. The main thing is that however busy you are, you try and schedule times where you can spend quality time together, however often and lengthy that may be. It will be something for both of you to look forward to and focus on rather than the routine of everyday life.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the guys working with her, especially if she tells you about what goes on. They are work colleagues and not of particularly high value to her so don’t feel you have to talk about them at length with her. Prevent any negative thoughts from creeping up on you and concentrate on what you can do to support her… Chances are that being that busy at work will be stressful for her, so it’s a perfect opportunity for you to be her happy relief from work pressures!
I hope it works out well for you,
Sam
This was great, it solved a lot of my problems thanks a lot. You should be glad you went through a lot of stuff so your stronger and now help a lot of other guys thanks a lot bud
Hey Jim,
Thanks for the kudos; I’m glad you found the article useful!
It’s great when constructive advice is taken on board, whoever it is from and I am still constantly learning myself. Although it usually takes consistent positive experiences to really cement new beliefs and attitudes, understanding and believing that there are coping mechanisms and positive outcomes for every conceivable situation in a relationship is the vital first step.
Thanks a lot for your comment,
Sam
Hey Sam,
I know what your thinking oh boy its Tom again haha, but seriously once again I really appreciate you answering myself and everyone that writes in and helping us guys out. This should be the last question for a while from me and then I’ll give you a little break until next time haha.
Previously as I told you the big move is coming in 5 weeks and I was dealing with finding that my GF was talking to her ex, lying, going out all night without calling etc. The past week has been hell because everything she originally told me to defend her story, has been slightly changing in details, almost as if she thinks I wouldn’t remember what she originally told me lol. The ignoring me several nights telling me she was sleeping and sending “non nude” photos to her ex went from they were just photos of him and her together to “even if they were nude its nothing he hasnt seen before” right so that makes it okay..lol. We had a huge talked agreed to see how things went the next few weeks. Well a few day went by and just yesterday she wrote me this whole email on how she is so excited for me moving and wishes me luck etc. she said she was getting a new phone number and she would email it to me later that night so we can talk. Now that night rolled around and I get this email saying how she isnt going to give me her number because she couldn’t talk tonight anyway, she hasnt liked how iv been treating her??, I promised her we would get together and now Im not (she was suppose to tell me what weekend shes free and didnt) and she is going to spend time with this “friend” tonight and sleep over because she knows he will be there for her, I will always love you Tom, we can talk when YOU have time.” Now I haven’t heard from her for a few days, iv written back like just lost, like so am I going to get your number lol etc? and got no response.
The relationship is over thats obvious. Whats hard is I don’t know how to just let it go. I changed my number, blocked her emails, blocked her off facebook but I have never in my life and Im 25 have yet encountered someone who would lie and cheat and try to turn it on me like I did something wrong. She lied about talking to her ex, lied about seeing him in person which I found out she did, she swore she was never a girl to send photos or hook up with random people or drink a lot. Everything she said is coming out to be a big lie. I didn’t think people like this existed. Even if i wrote a ten page response on everything she did wrong she would still think its my fault or its something I did..
I am just looking for some closure on this, and what you think of everything, it would be greatly appreciated. I need to just move on and start my new life in 5 weeks thanks sam!
Even if she does find a way to contact me, I am probably better off just never responding right? Erase it let it go?
Thanks,
-Tom
Hey Tom,
Ha, no worries about writing again… If I am helping in any way then I am pleased… and at this rate I can always turn this page into a novel and make my millions that way!
I’m sorry to hear that things have come to this undesirable climax and that it is proving that your girlfriend may have been more deceitful than first thought. I still find that drawing conclusions from assumptions is going to torment you rather than provide closure. Either way, your girlfriend is either confused, playing games or stringing you along. It could be a result of the long-distance issue but it sounds like you’ve decided what you want to do now either way.
If you do decide that nothing more is going to continue between the two of you then you have the choice to either completely ignore her, or to be polite towards her but not actively friends. Whichever you decide, the key to moving on is not letting her have an emotional hold over you, especially if she tries to contact you. I personally find that being polite yet decisive and in control is a far healthier attitude to have with ex-girlfriends rather than being ‘enemies’. It may take some time to develop that sort of attitude though, especially with the way she has been acting recently.
Your big move is coming at an ideal time as it will be the perfect opportunity to move on and meet new people. I wish you the best of luck!
Sam