Sparklife.info 
 

 

Subscribe for free updates! 
Fill out your e-mail address below to receive updates from Sparklife.info (absolutely no spam)... 
 

Dealing with your girlfriend getting hit on

One of the biggest hurdles to overcome when dating an attractive woman is accepting that other people will find her attractive and as a consequence, will try and hit on her.

I had it especially hard as my girlfriend was a freshman at University when our relationship first started becoming serious. This is a place where there are obviously a lot of sexually-charged, inebriated guys who don’t all necessarily have the best morals yet when it comes to dating. When I visited my girlfriend during this time, I would come up against a lot of situations where she was getting hit on and found several ways to effectively deal with it, both emotionally and in practice… :)

Take pride that she is attractive to other people:

Think honestly if you would rather date someone who no one ever showed any interest in, or someone who everyone wishes they were with? It is a massive COMPLIMENT to you if someone hits on your girlfriend. :)

As I’ve stated before, flirting within certain boundaries is harmless and it actually invigorates a woman to know she is still desirable to men, so let her have this non-judgemental validation. I remember talking to one of my older brother’s female friends a while back (they are around the thirty year old mark) and she said her biggest fear was to no longer have guys show interest in her as it would be a sign that she is becoming old and unattractive. Embrace the fact that your girlfriend is attractive and be proud to show her off to the world, knowing ultimately that she is with YOU! :)

Control feelings of jealousy:

Jealousy is the bane of most relationships and one of three main causes for infidelity. There are far better ways of letting your partner know that you want to be the recipient of their primary desires than getting jealous.

As I outlined in the article ‘The only way to prevent your partner cheating’, you will never ‘win’ by challenging any social threats… Your girlfriend is yours to begin with and she ultimately has the choice of who she dates. All you can do is work on being the best option available. Once you truly believe this, there will be absolutely no reason to get jealous of any of the situations I’m referring to.

Your partner will no doubt encounter attractive people who inspire a new spark within them but once again jealousy will only play against you. Long-term relationships are about a lot more than just attraction and it’s working on the relationship as a whole that will earn your partner’s trust, respect and commitment. :)

If alcohol heightens your jealous tendencies in social settings, then consider limiting the amount you drink. Having a clear mind will allow you to approach a situation far more reasonably than if you are drunk.

Trust your girlfriend:

Pretty much every relationship expert will tell you that successful relationships are primarily built on trust. Assuming you have picked a partner who is self-assured, she should be able to diffuse most uncomfortable social situations herself. A woman simply stating that she has a boyfriend is usually enough to detract most men’s pursuits. If this doesn’t work and she is still uncomfortable, she has the option to politely leave. :)

Women aren’t stupid… Even the most socially oblivious person knows when they are getting hit on and you should trust them to not try and hide their relationship status. Likewise, respect for this trust should go both ways and it is only when people start alluding to the fact they are in a relationship that more sinister practices are at play.

Your girlfriend getting hit on whilst you are there:

There are normally two sorts of actions that guys do when they see their girlfriend getting hit on at a social event, be it at a bar or at a private party. The first guy sees his lady being apprehended by an attractive and confident bloke from a distance and quietly does nothing, hoping that the situation will solve itself.

The second guy tries to take control of the situation in an overbearing way, possibly confronting the new guy (who hasn’t done anything wrong at this stage) and trying to envelop the intruder’s masculinity. Worse, he will ignore this guy entirely in a complete social faux-pas and privately chastise his woman for giving someone else her attention in the first place!

Both of these actions stem from jealousy and will actually stir resentment in your partner rather than control it.

The best way to approach the situation is to withhold any feelings of jealousy that might arise and join the interaction in a socially confident and respectable manner. Introduce yourself to the new person, as you should in any social circumstance, and make it known without rubbing anyone’s face in it that you are a couple. Take control of the conversation but be polite and friendly to everyone. :)

You want to have a happy medium between not sitting back helplessly letting these scenarios happen and not getting aggressive. You want to display that you are willing to protect your girlfriend if she needs you to but that she has her own freedom at the same time.

If it is not a one-off situation:

Dealing with a girlfriend getting hit on doesn’t necessarily just apply to someone approaching your partner at a one-off social event. Sometimes you will find that one of their friends of the opposite sex suddenly reveals more desires than simply friendship. This generally comes from a lack of choice in that person’s love-life.

This situation once again comes down to trust that your partner will keep you updated on the situation as well as a mutual respect to let everyone know where they stand.

You actually have a lot less to worry about in these particular scenarios. For someone to get to the friendship stage, having bypassed the creation of sexual attraction, it is very hard for them to go back and create it once they are regarded solely as friends. Furthermore, they are showing their own lack of integrity and attractiveness by hitting on someone they outright KNOW is in a relationship.

The overall attitude to have is to remember that your partner is with YOU and trusting they won’t abuse that will make both you and your relationship a lot more content. :)

Much love,

Sam

Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE if you would like to receive automatic updates from this website. :)

Did you enjoy this article?

Enter your email address below to receive updates straight to your inbox! :)


Email this post Email this post

Please share this article!

326 Responses to “Dealing with your girlfriend getting hit on”

  1. bigbear says:

    I understand what your saying but I find it really hard to deal with at the time. Me and my gal are not going through best of times at mo and so makes it even harder. When I see her chatting to blokes nd enjoying it I really do think she could go off with him easily. Do you ever advise simply dragging your gal away from the problem? J

    • Hi J,
      I empathise with your feelings but you are probably worrying more than necessary. If your girlfriend really wanted to go off with someone else, she would have done it by now. Being a cool, loyal and trusting boyfriend is by far your best way of preventing it anyway.
      With regards to ‘dragging your gal away’ I would say make sure you are doing it because of good intention. If you’re dragging her away because you feel threatened or jealous, then refer back to some of the points I mentioned in this article. If however you sense that the interaction does have more deceptive intentions from these other guys and your girlfriend isn’t particularly enjoying herself then by all means remove yourselves from the interaction politely and with no hard feelings… “We’re going to get a drink. It was cool meeting you” would work. :)
      Sam

  2. bigbear says:

    Thanks for replyin. I agree with what you said. I bookmarked this page so I can read it again when I need. Thanks. J

  3. purecrazy says:

    theres some guy that has in his msn personal message that he is going to get drunk with my girlfriend and also states that she is sexy. he is a friend of a friend of hers but they meet each other quite a bit due to the friend they both share but now it looks like thinks are evolving and its really annoying me, it would understand it being in a friendly manner but by saying that she is sexy also implys that it could/is more than friendly.

    • Hey,

      The truth is that there are probably loads of guys who find your girlfriend ‘sexy’ and do want to get with her but as things stand it doesn’t seem like you have much to worry about.

      Enquiring about their relationship a bit further wouldn’t hurt but make sure it is done without even a hint of jealousy. I’ve had experiences exactly like the one you describe and I’ve actually found that meeting the guy myself and befriending him is actually the best way to understand and diffuse the situation if necessary.

      Thanks for commenting and let me know how things develop. :)
      Sam

  4. GaryAnderson says:

    my girlfriend has no girl friends, has only boy friends and a lot…
    I hate it when we casually meet a guy friend of hers, she throws her self at them like if she saw him the last time 2 years ago, and they touch arms and shoulders in front of me, Im thinking like she is giving him a green light?????.
    other thing I hate it when she starts talking to guys, and it can last for lots of time, before she realize that I’m not there,, she never says thinks like, sorry I have to go, or were is my boyfriend.
    like this one time she told me she was going to a party, and I said ok. call me at 1 am I’ll go and pick you up (i was in another party), she never called me, I had to call her at 2 am, and she was with some friends in a car????…
    we have been together for a year and its great, I know she loves me and I love her.
    I dont know if my girlfriend is stupid, or flirts or wants to make me jealous.

    • Hey Gary, thanks for writing. :)

      I have met many girls who predominantly have male friends… For some reason, some girls feel more comfortable and less threatened around men than women. Regardless of that fact, most girls whether they are single or not definitely like the attention from other men and to feel desirable… That is why it may seem like your girlfriend is overly flirty with these male friends of hers. Having lots of inner-circle friends of the opposite sex actually desexualises them so she may not even be aware that she is being inappropriate. During my last year of University, a large proportion of my close friends were female and I definitely saw them more platonically than I had previously viewed women.

      If you’ve been together for a year, trust each other and know the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not, then you have little to worry about; it’s all about how you deal with and react to the specific situations (using some of the practices mentioned in the above article).

      As for the party example, I think in a heightened state like that (especially if alcohol was involved) that she can’t be blamed for forgetting logistical instructions. Make sure you assess the situation properly and be careful not to blow things out of proportion… Being in a car with another guy (especially more than one guy) is not really an issue, unless you make a big deal out of it with her.

      Hope that helps,
      Sam

    • June says:

      I think the question you need to ask yourself is this: how would you feel if the situation involved women?

      For example, if she’d been at a party of all women, and ended up in the car with several women, how would you feel? I was recently at a friend’s birthday party, and ended up in the car at 2am: we ran off to grab some Taco Bell before it closed. Why does it have to matter who I was in the car with? My SO didn’t even ask, because he knows he can trust me.

      As a rule, women treat all of their friends (men and women) in approximately the same way. A woman who hugs her female friends, will usually also hug her male friends. This doesn’t mean she’s cheating on you, or even that she’s flirting with him. She’s just the type of girl who hugs her friends.

      Women who have predominantly male friends aren’t going to change. She isn’t just going to wake up one day and decide to have all female friends. If you try to change her, she will resent you for it, and eventually leave. Not because she doesn’t love you or want to be with you, but because you can’t trust her and love her for who she is.

      There are a lot of advantages to a woman who has a lot of male friends: she is more likely to understand where you’re coming from, and she probably enjoys a lot of ‘male’ things. The only disadvantage (if it even is a disadvantage) is that she will continue to have male friends.

      I have a lot of male friends, and have been in relationships with jealous guys. That jealousy always eventually ended the relationship. In one particularly ugly case, my boyfriend’s best friend got ridiculously drunk at a funeral and tried to kiss me (he was so drunk that he missed). Despite being drunk myself, I immediately had some other male friends sit him in a chair and give him water, while I got him a ride home. My boyfriend, however, was so jealous that he kept yelling at me for weeks. This was the beginning of the end of our relationship, because it was clear that he didn’t trust me to handle myself in that situation. I’m not saying that the actions of the friend were even remotely acceptable, but I think I handled it well, and – if anything – my boyfriend should have been proud of me for keeping my head despite being drunk, and happy that I was at a party where there were other people around to help. Instead, he kept berating me for ‘letting it happen’ and trying to keep me from going to any parties.

      It should be noted that, in my 32 years, this is the only situation I’ve been in where a male friend even tried to cross the lines. I’ve actually had more female friends do this sort of thing, even though I’ve had far fewer female friends overall. In my experience, male friends tend to be more respectful of boundaries, possibly because they need to be respectful to have female friends. I’m not saying that all guys are going to be respectful (they most certainly aren’t), but if you trust your girlfriend, you should be able to trust her choice in friends. At the very least, you should trust her enough to know that she will tell you if anyone tries anything inappropriate.

      You have a choice: learn to live with it, and even appreciate it, or move on. Even if you choose to move on, this is something you probably need to look into. As the OP said, relationships are about trust. If you can’t trust anyone, then you probably aren’t going to have successful long-term relationships. :(

    • Hi June,

      It’s interesting to hear a woman’s perspective on these issues and there are a lot of lessons that can be taken from the examples you’ve given.

      Women will always be seen as a more sexualised and vulnerable gender so there can sometimes be a big difference between specific situations involving male or female friends.

      That said, as long as a woman isn’t putting herself in vulnerable situations with men she doesn’t know very well then you’re right that it boils down to jealousy and trust issues, both of which are very solvable.

      Thanks for adding to the discussion,

      Sam

  5. GaryAnderson says:

    fantastic
    thanks

  6. obiwonknobi says:

    I gotta couple of questions pls..

    Is it ok to talk nice about your girlfriend around your friends?, I think they might get interested in her and hit on her. (I know my friends are very horny and hit on diferent girl each time we go out).

    my friends specially my closest ones always ask me about my gf? if Im going out with my gf, or what time will I go and pick her up, what can I do to avoid this questions, I dont wanna sound jealous by saying to them not to talk about my gf anymore, but sometimes I ignore the questions, some will say your gf is very cool. your lucky. and things like that..

    when I go out with my girlfriend to parties, my friends make cheers to my girlfriend and they try to be funny around her, with her not with me. that makes me little bit jealous because I know my gf will interact with them because she is very nice to everyone… what can I do to control this situation or to make my friends or guys go away.

    cheers!! and thanks!

    • Hi,

      All three parts to your question revolve around your trust for your friends. Presumably you choose who you want to be friends with and if they are true friends then respect and trust come as an automatic addition.

      It’s possible that your friends may be jealous of your relationship and may even be attracted to your girlfriend but whilst the roles of them being your friend and you being her boyfriend are defined, it is unlikely anything ominous is going to happen.

      You shouldn’t let any of your unwarranted concerns for your friends trustworthiness affect how you talk about of interact with your girlfriend. If you actually have justified means for concern with some of your friends or they have a history of betraying people close to them then that is a different issue altogether. Whilst it is the former though, you shouldn’t feel the need to avoid innocent questions about your girlfriend or prevent harmless interactions between them and her.

      As a slight side-note, if your friends are single and are actively looking for partners, have you thought about helping them find other girls or perhaps even introducing them to some of your girlfriend’s female friends? It might help you to realise there isn’t anything to worry about if their interests are visibly elsewhere.

      Thanks for posting and keep me updated. :)

      Sam

  7. Kelly Brown says:

    The best information i have found exactly here. Keep going Thank you

  8. Hi, gr8 post thanks for posting. Information is useful!

  9. jamesdarwing says:

    my gf is very pretty, and we love each other, and we have been together 1 year and half.
    but I have this problem>
    my gf is a very friendly with guys, but guys always think she flirts with them, even when I am around. I think she uncounciously gives them a green light., but she is unaware of that, I know she is not flirting with them but this actions makes guys always hit on my gf and it makes me uncomfortable…
    is my gf doing anything wrong? or should I tell her to behaive diferent? any advice?

    • Hi James,

      It’s extremely common for an average guy to mistake general friendliness from a woman to be more than just friendly… this is often why particularly attractive women who get approached a lot will actively act cold around guys in bars, even if they are normally very friendly.

      I assume you don’t want your girlfriend to stop being friendly to everyone, as it is obviously one of her attractive qualities; you have to trust that she knows where to draw the line herself.

      Guys will hit on your girlfriend if she puts herself in social situations; that can’t be changed… It is only when one of the guys actually makes an inappropriate move on your girlfriend that it becomes unacceptable and that is something that I am sure your girlfriend will be aware of immediately herself. If the situations ever look genuinely uncomfortable for your girlfriend then that is when you should step in but once again, don’t judge your girlfriend for being friendly; it is great that she is! :)

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  10. chewbaka says:

    one question pls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Im a very handsome guy and very outgoing. BUT!!!. Do I have a confidence problem?

    When Im with my gal at a place, party, etc… and I see a good looking confident guy making him self notice, kind of flirting with my gal; you know the eye-eye contact with my gal, and my gal is also looking at him,. how can I regain confidence. make her notice me, and stop her from looking at him?, what actions do I need to follow?>>>

    • Hi there,

      As it stands, those sorts of things constitute as harmless flirting: a biological instinct for a woman to feel desired. Eye contact is a huge rapport mechanism but on its own it is more than likely a consequence of momentary boredom rather than her consciously seeking out other guys. Basically speaking, if you want to stop your girlfriend’s attention from wandering then make sure you are always engaging and exciting her. I know this is difficult to do all the time and to be honest you don’t want to be stuck by her side all night at those kind of events being her sole source of entertainment anyway. When you are with her though, try and make it fun so she is focusing her enjoyment on you and not bothered by other guys (play games, dance together etc).

      Hope that helps,
      Sam

  11. Jake says:

    Dear Sam,

    Thank you for your website. I just chanced upon it and I find it to be very useful. This topic of “Dealing with your girlfriend getting hit on …” is useful.

    My girldfriend Michelle of 6 months is beautiful and very friendly. She generally prefers the company of men but also has some women friends. She is very intelligent as well and went to an Ivy League school.

    I am a bit older than she is and I think that she likes that I am more mature than the guys her age. I am in decent shape and though business is going a bit slow, I am still doing well enough.

    I am invited to many parties where celebrities often attend. Rich and powerful men also often attend. I am the “small fish” in this pond but yet, I get invited because I know the people organizing these parties.

    I have noticed that people I know at these parties, often rich and sucessful and married men, french, charming etc. have started making jokes in front of me and my girfriend. The jokes can revolve around comments such as …”oh, yes, lets play golf, your girlfriend can partner me and you can partner my wife and it will be a nice 4-some” or “oh, you guys leaving for dinner … Jake, why dont you go and leave Michelle here instead! We will look after her *wink*!”

    At first, I just laughed these comments off, but recently, I have found them to be just rude, irritating and it makes me upset. I have tried not saying anything, to saying something smart or biting back. I find that this sets tension in the room and it does not really help as the guys still carry on. Also, sadly, these guys are people I would get along with if Michelle was not there. But since she has been in my life, beacuse of these sort of comments, I am beginning to resent the guys and I find myself spending less time with them.

    There have also been 2 incidents at 2 seperate parties where I was invited and I brough Michelle along. Being cool, we allow each other to spend time with other people to intereact etc. I dont like just standing by her side or her mine the whole evening. Guys she met, that I know vaguely chatted with her and they exchanged name cards. It is clear to teh guys that Michelle and I are going out. They subsequently emailed her and asked her out for other events. She emailed them back to say no thanks politely but I was pissed off that Michelle did not cc me in the emails to make it clear to them that I know what is going on. I was also pissed off that these guys should have such little respect for me to not ask out my girlfriend. In effect, by having Michelle at these parties, through no fault of her own, I was unhappy and beginning to feel like I need to tell these guys off. As a side note, Michelle did not tell me that the seocnd gy emailed her. It was only 2 weeks after that she told me and said that she did not want to tell me as she did not want me getting angry at her or getting angry at him. I told her that that was a right she did not have as she was a guest of mine at this party and I know these guys and it is the right thing for her to tell me that they emailed her … regardless of what my reaction is after. ( I am generally a pretty chill guy …)

    I am wondering if:

    1) Am I giving off a signal that says “I am weak” or that I am so easy going that they can say things like that and I will think it is funny?

    2) Is Michelle sending off a signal to the guys that they think they can get away with asking her out?

    3) Michelle is getting in the way of my relationships with these guys as I often network and get business from them. THings were simpler when she was not around. There has to be a better way but I just dont knwo what to do?

    Any help is appreciated. Michelle and I often have long talks after what was supposed to be an enjoyable night out at a party and I am sure that she is beginning to find this to be a chore. I too am beginning to feel that the fun aspect of teh relationship is diminishing and that I will lose her if this continues.

    The plus side to all of this is that we are both quite rational people and that we talk and dont fight. Also, we are both very fond of each other and if possible, I would marry Michelle.

    Advise on tried and proven methods to deal with situations like this will be very much appreciated.

    Jake

    • Hey Jake,

      First up, you sound like a really clued-up, cool guy and in general your relationship seems very healthy. Mixing in those kinds of rich celebrity circles does often heighten the degree of social games that you will have to deal with though.

      Having attended several parties of a similar status to the ones you are describing, I know the nature of the atmosphere at those sorts of venues. In my experience, rich and successful guys, unless they feel particularly close to you, will often have little problem trying to obtain a taken woman. It’s a big generalisation but is true of a lot of men.

      It is hard to completely analyse the meaning behind the jokes these guys are making without any contextual information but on the face of it they do seem very light-hearted and innocent. You can laugh them off or banter back but the key thing is not becoming reactive to their comments. The mindset that you want is a lot like the theory on picking up high quality women. Whoever reacts the least has the most value, and I have the feeling that you assume you are of lower value than these guys whilst in their company. Having high value is not just about having the most money or status, so don’t ever think of yourself as by default ‘lower’ than these people. Those two things alone will make the difference between coming across as ‘weak’!

      Regarding the emails sent to Michelle, her being completely open about things like that does largely come down to how you react, or rather how she thinks you will react. I know that the reason my girlfriend Heidi always immediately tells me about things such as ominous emails or texts is because I never get angry or judgemental about it… It is something that we have mutually agreed to be open about! Even if you feel that you are becoming negatively emotional about such things at the time, it is always best to deal with them privately on your own first. Your girlfriend should actually be praised for being so open with you regardless of how immediate she was in telling you.

      It is unlikely Michelle is consciously sending off signals for these guys to make advances but either way the majority of men easily misinterpret female communication. As long as she knows how to handle herself (and it seems that she does from the e-mail example you gave) then you really don’t have to worry.

      Another key point is your relationship with these men. If Michelle really is getting in the way of your bonding then find times away from her (either on the night or other times) where you can actually befriend them better without the complications of her being there. I’m sure that the better friends you become with these guys, the less any of this will become a problem.

      Overall, your relationship does sound very healthy, what with how you guys communicate and how you talk about your girlfriend. As you mention, the relationship should be fun and not a chore, so as long as you keep that in mind prior to bringing up negative feelings, everything should be fine. :)

      Thanks for writing and keep in touch,

      Sam

  12. Jake says:

    IN RESPONSE TO http://sparklife.info/blog/2009/03/dealing-girlfriend-hit/#comment-3101 FROM SAM

    Dear Sam,

    Thank you for your reply! Its nice to be able to chat about something like this that is so close to the heart and to get some solid advice back as well.

    For convenience, I have replied in-line to your comments below. Please do share somemore if you can …

    >>First up, you sound like a really clued-up, cool guy and in general your relationship seems very healthy. Mixing in those kinds of rich celebrity circles does often heighten the degree of social games that you will have to deal with though.

    >>Having attended several parties of a similar status to the ones you are describing, I know the nature of the atmosphere at those sorts of venues. In my experience, rich and successful guys, unless they feel particularly close to you, will often have little problem trying to obtain a taken woman. It’s a big generalisation but is true of a lot of men.

    Jake – Thank you on the kind words. I totally feel this too. … that rich guys often think that pretty girls at these events are all up for grabs … literally at times! Its hard to manage at times as we dont want to piss these people off and yet, their behavior can be very rude or at least insensitive or over familiar. Also Michelle sometimes is a bit over familiar with them as she takes her tone from me where I am friendly with them. The key hear is that as a man, I can do certain things that she cant … if she does, they read it differently … as you say.

    >>It is hard to completely analyse the meaning behind the jokes these guys are making without any contextual information but on the face of it they do seem very light-hearted and innocent. You can laugh them off or banter back but the key thing is not becoming reactive to their comments. The mindset that you want is a lot like the theory on picking up high quality women. Whoever reacts the least has the most value, and I have the feeling that you assume you are of lower value than these guys whilst in their company. Having high value is not just about having the most money or status, so don’t ever think of yourself as by default ‘lower’ than these people. Those two things alone will make the difference between coming across as ‘weak’!

    Jake – I think like most Jokes, it is 1/2 joke and 1/2 some darker meaning behind it. The joke is not funny to me and the darker side is worse. Could you elobrate on not becoming reaction to their comments please? Did not quite understand what you meant here. I guess, I feel “weak” becaue the party tends to rotate around who ust bought the fastest new ferarri or who had lunch with a a star. The power seems to sit with them from an acitivites point of view. Any further advice in this area would help in terms of how to react and how to think in these situations.

    >>Regarding the emails sent to Michelle, her being completely open about things like that does largely come down to how you react, or rather how she thinks you will react. I know that the reason my girlfriend Heidi always immediately tells me about things such as ominous emails or texts is because I never get angry or judgemental about it… It is something that we have mutually agreed to be open about! Even if you feel that you are becoming negatively emotional about such things at the time, it is always best to deal with them privately on your own first. Your girlfriend should actually be praised for being so open with you regardless of how immediate she was in telling you.

    Jake – I hear you. I am going to make it a point to let her know that i wont get angry if she tells me. I guess she knows that independent of how I react to her, I will be disappointed with these guys that are senging the emails and that I may tell them off. I will deal with them privately as you suggest as a start.

    I am very wary of starting a tone of what you dont know cant hurt you. Total honesty is best. Both ways. So I also tell her I am upset … but she reads into it and decides to deal with it herself. I would prefer she tells me. What these guys do in terms of emails is largely out of our control. But I bet they would not send an email like that if they were dealing with the girlfriend of a Mafia Boss for example. So there is an element of disrespect to me linked to the emails they send her …

    >>It is unlikely Michelle is consciously sending off signals for these guys to make advances but either way the majority of men easily misinterpret female communication. As long as she knows how to handle herself (and it seems that she does from the e-mail example you gave) then you really don’t have to worry.

    Jake – Maybe best that she is less friendly to start until a guy is deemed to be trustworthy enough to not do silly things?

    >> Another key point is your relationship with these men. If Michelle really is getting in the way of your bonding then find times away from her (either on the night or other times) where you can actually befriend them better without the complications of her being there. I’m sure that the better friends you become with these guys, the less any of this will become a problem.

    Jake – Sad but perhaps necessary. I may need to attend without her, but I dont think that is a long term solution. Perhaps some standard lines back that will be clear but not rude to make it clear on the behavior I expect from them? Any ideas?

    >> Overall, your relationship does sound very healthy, what with how you guys communicate and how you talk about your girlfriend. As you mention, the relationship should be fun and not a chore, so as long as you keep that in mind prior to bringing up negative feelings, everything should be fine.

    Jake – yes, I am trying to make this as a samll a deal as possible. So that Michelle does nto feel stressed in a social situations. It seems almost unfair that people like this waste our time on having to intrude in our lives that way. Wish they could just be polite.

    • Hi again Jake,

      It’s a hard one to call with these social situations you describe because obviously you want your girlfriend to be friendly rather than cold with the people she meets and ‘giving the wrong signals’ is almost impossible to do without being blatantly rude. The best way to deal with it is to trust your solidity as a couple and treat it as their problem. You can project your coupled status in front of them if you like (although you don’t want to rub anyone’s face in it) but at the end of the day, if these guys really don’t have respect for your relationship (and only in the situation can you really tell) then it is their problem and you ultimately have the choice whether to hang around with them or not.

      As for the jokes that they make, whichever way you decipher them, it’s very easy to misread true intentions. What I mean by being unreactive is that the best way to deal with negative projection from someone is to not let it be known that it has affected you. All communication of this type is done to get a REACTION: a joke is to make the other person laugh and the darker meaning is to make the other person defensive. Being unreactive (and it might be something you have to fake at first) basically means you decide whether to accept or reject their communication bid… ie: you have the ‘power’ of the interaction. I know it sounds slightly seedy to describe interactions in this way but that is what is going on regarding sub-communications. This all comes down to rapport and the more of it you have with these guys, the more you will understand when they are making a joke and the less likely they will be to have any underlying meaning.

      Although topics such as the ‘latest Ferrari’ might be important to these guys, there are hundreds of other ways to relate to them. Most rapport techniques such as story-telling are universal. To be honest, the ‘Ferarri talk’ is often a route to just that: acceptance and ego, so showing interest and enthusiasm about those topics even if they aren’t personally important does work wonders.

      What I was getting at though is that the mindset that you have is far more important than the specific context (hence the reference I made to chatting up women). As long as you feel worthy of the group and ‘on their level’ then that comes across a lot more in non-verbal communication than you would think; if you believe it, they will believe it! Once again this is something you will possibly have to fake at first until you truly believe it.

      At the end of the day, if the scenarios are as blatant as you predict then yes it does show disrespect towards you and I’m afraid the only two options are to forgive their ignorance of the situation and try and earn their respect by displaying more leadership qualities in their presence (a whole topic on its own) or simply don’t mix with them anymore.

      Regarding how it affects your relationship, honesty is best as you say and it is fine to tell your girlfriend if you ever feel upset about something, although make sure it is clear who and why you are upset. There is also a big difference between being upset with acceptance and being upset but affected. It’s not a case of ‘what you don’t know can’t hurt you’ but more ‘what you don’t worry about can’t hurt you’. Like I said, if you trust your girlfriend and make an effort to be a good boyfriend then none of the advances of these guys, however snide they are, will be a problem.

      I’m not sure you really want your girlfriend to be ‘less friendly’ either… being friendly is obviously part of her personality and is a good thing. On top of this, a guy’s trustworthiness is very hard to judge (unless they are a really close friend). I’ve seen guys wait six months before making advances on taken girls before and it doesn’t change the intent in the slightest. You can make guided observations if you like but let your girlfriend make her own judgements and have faith in them.

      It isn’t a long-term solution to simply not have her around at these times but hopefully the long-term solution is that you can befriend and understand these guys well enough so that they won’t be disrespectful to you. I wouldn’t say it is specific lines that you want in the meantime but more the overall attitude you want to convey: that your relationship is secure and happy, you understand the social conditions, you aren’t threatened by these guys and that you can relate to them on their level regardless of ‘status’.

      Let me know if you want me to further explain any points… I know I’ve alluded to certain principles and left out some detail to preserve the length of this response. :)

      Sam

    • Justin says:

      Jake / Sam,

      I find the conversation you two have had to be incredibly helpful. Jake, I must say can relate to your post in numerous ways and was glad that you articulated your thoughts so clearly in your discussion with Sam. You give an impression of confidence checked with periodic humble reflection – very admirable.

      A few questions… Jake, I was wondering how you feel when your girlfriend/wife meets other men who also happen to have very attractive/intelligent/engaging partners. Do you feel more at ease in those situations knowing that this man already has a great girl and is likely just having a friendly chat? I think it’s only natural to have a ‘radar’ for other guys hitting on your partner, but there certainly is a line between unconditional desire to protect and unhealthy jealousy. It sounds like you are on the right side of the line.
      Secondly, how do you feel about your girlfriend exchanging contact information with these men? Do you think she knows that they are after more or is oblivious until they make it clear? Assuming that she is oblivious, how do you go about dealing with that?

      Your situation sounds very similar to my own although the circles I’m in aren’t in the same ‘class’ realm that you frequent, but certainly the level of afluence and confidence is high. I do sympathize with you because I can imagine that in situations where other men of high status are present, their could be a lack of respect that is related the need for ego quenching or rooted from poor core values or virtue on their part.

      Would love to hear your thoughts on how things have unfolded seeing as how this post is a few years old. The advice and thoughts from both Sam and you have been very helpful and I hope you have some energy to provide more.

      Justin

    • Hi Justin,

      Thanks for reading through the discussions.

      I just checked the website database and it looks like Jake is not subscribed to the comments of this article, so it is unlikely that he will see your response and questions.

      I am happy to give any insights into your questions if you would like. It does sound like you are on a similar wavelength to Jake with regards to being aware of how people are acting in social environments and striving to act with confidence in your relationship. There is a small chance that Jake will read your comment even though he isn’t subscribed, so hopefully you two will be able to discuss your respective situations.

      Take care,

      Sam

    • Justin says:

      Thanks Sam,
      Yes, absolutely – any thoughts or advice you would have on the item would be appreciated.
      Thanks in advance

    • Hey Justin,

      The type of men you both interact with shouldn’t matter too much; the important thing to note is how much respect they show you! It is assumed that a man who is visibly good with women or seemingly in a fulfilling relationship already will show you more respect by default but it is not always the case. The best default attitude is to assume there is no problem until there actually is a genuine problem.

      Second to this, you can’t expect your intuition to always match that of your girlfriend. Sometimes yours will turn out to be more accurate and sometimes hers will. The important thing is that her actions are always sincere and conducted with respectful intent, whether she is “oblivious” to the reality of the situation or not. Exchanging contact information with another man for example can have an extremely variable level of intent from either side and is also very easy to misinterpret from an outside viewpoint.

      I like your point about there being a difference between an unconditional desire to protect and unhealthy jealousy. It is important to always distinguish between the two.

      I hope that has helped somewhat in Jake’s absence,

      Sam

  13. Chris says:

    Thank you for the advice you offer. I recently began a relationship with, by far, the most attractive woman I have ever been around. Once the struggle to get her to even notice me was over, then came the jealousy and worrying due to guy friends, ex-boyfriends and randoms at parties. It’s been very difficult for me, but your advice has definitely helped.

    Chris

    • Hey Chris, you’re more than welcome! :)

      I’m afraid it is an unavoidable consequence that the more attractive your other half is, the more unwanted attention they will receive… The ways to deal with and react to it all doesn’t change though so you’re on the right track.

      Thanks a lot for you feedback and do keep in touch,

      Sam

  14. paul says:

    Thanks dude,, you helped me solve one of my biggest problems today.. :)

  15. paul says:

    Thank you very much,, but i’m still ticked off by those guys who not only tried to hit on my girl, they even took a picture of my girl while her back was turned. And we don’t even now who those guys are.

    • You’re welcome Paul! :)

      All I can say about guys like that is ignore them and don’t worry about them. Yes it’s creepy and you might find a way to confront them amicably… but guys like that really aren’t much of a threat!

      Cheers,

      Sam

  16. paul says:

    thanks again. :D

  17. Tracey says:

    Recently I’ve been going to the club with friends of mine and almost everytime i go there, I get to asked If I would like to dance? I usually say No to them but is it okay to say Yes and dance with them for the fun of it… maybe its a good song that I’m missing out on. My boyfriend doesn’t be there because of work.

    • Hi Tracey,

      I personally think that is fine as long as your intentions are innocent and the underlying assumptions of the interaction are too. There is a chance that the guys asking you to dance do just want to dance (depending on what kind of venue it is) but a lot will be thinking it as a direct route to ‘scoring’ with you.

      As long as you namedrop your boyfriend or relationship status at some point, or explicitly tell them the situation if they start to ‘try it on’, then it should be fine. At the end of the day you can always leave if you’re uncomfortable but you don’t want to miss out on having a fun time for worry of giving out the wrong message to random people in clubs.

      What’s more important than my opinion in this instance though is what your boyfriend thinks about it. You might find it helpful to ask him if he minds about that sort of thing and as long as he trusts you it should alleviate any of the concerns.

      Take care,

      Sam

    • June says:

      One thing that might help is to wear a cheap fake wedding ring, and make sure that the guy asking you to dance sees it. In that way, you will avoid most of the guys who are looking to score. You will still need to be clear that they have no chance of getting anything beyond a dance. From a safety standpoint, never accept a drink from one of these guys, as you have no idea what his intentions might be, or what he might have put in the drink.

      Another option is to go to the club with friends, and dance with them, or even dance by yourself. That’s what I do: I don’t have to deal with some guy thinking I’m leading him on, and I don’t miss any songs.

    • Hi June,

      I agree with your tips on staying safe whilst clubbing. Although spiked drinks are rare, it is definitely wise not to accept drinks from strangers if you haven’t seen them poured.

      Dancing with other friends is a good tip too. In fact, if you go to any club these days (especially ones frequented by students), the dance floor will usually be full of small, inward facing circles of girls dancing. Only particularly confident men or ones who have been previously acquainted will attempt to join such groups whilst on the dance-floor.

      I like your intention with the fake wedding ring idea but I personally don’t think it is necessary. Some would view it as manipulative to pretend you are married if you are not and directly saying you are in a relationship will deter guys who are respectful of such things equally well.

      Thanks for adding your opinion,

      Sam

  18. Josh says:

    I read your article and noticed that you said your girlfriend will most likely know when the situation is going too far and put an end to it. Well I have an interesting one for you.

    I am a freshmen in college and my girlfriend is a senior in high school. I go to a community college so we are still living in the same town but she is going to a University that is an hour away from where we are now next year. I trust her but it still sucks to think about her drinking with other guys and partying and such (I don’t drink at all and have no interest in it whatsoever) so I’m dealing with those feelings but that’s another story that kind of ties in with the current one.

    So yesterday (November 17th) my girlfriends young (25 I think) former math teacher who now lives in Texas (we are in Wisconsin so far away) messaged her on facebook. It was a casual conversation for a few minutes but then it started taking a turn for the worst. He admitted that he was very attracted to her (in a very hesitant way because he feels wrong for thinking it) and she reciprocated the feeling by saying she thought he was really attractive too. I can deal with that, it’s fine to find other people attractive, human nature but they kept talking for hours and both of them definitely crossed the line. My girlfriend was extremely nice and told me about this conversation and sent me it so I could read it. Here are some quotes from what the teacher said that shows how far over the line he got. “it wouldn’t have had anything to do with math :-/:-/ i mean” (referring to staying after school for extra tutoring), “oh, i was just planning on staying in a hotel..not really leaving juuust kidding” (talking about coming back up to where we live to visit, he wants to move here and live here again) “you wouldn’t be for long…:-O:-O ok ok, before, not so shocking, im legitimately surprised i wrote that” (she was saying she was in PJ pants.) There are plenty more quotes that are equally and more than inappropriate.

    Now here is what she said back
    “I love that we can talk about this” (talking about how they find each other attractive)

    “this makes me feel significantly less creepy”

    “well i wouldnt have minded staying after school with someone I found attractive” (The tutoring sessions)

    “im planning on going to (insert college here) so we could have been friends” (This one just makes me upset because I’m already worried about the college, and she wants him there…)

    “this subject is far too fun to pass up” (She enjoys talking about all of these things)

    “i just feel bad for saying it” (Toward the end she finally told him that she has a boyfriend of 19 months and that she feels bad, btw he thought that made it hotter and more dangerous…she didn’t stop him from talking more)

    “kevin you are an awesome guy and I would love to see you again. you were one of the coolest teachers I ever had” (not what I really wanted to hear)

    So as you can see they were both way over the line of expressing they thought each other were attractive. Her former teacher went way more over the line compared to her but she still did to and it took her in my opinion too long to come back. Now she knows that this convo upset me and later that day they talked again and she didn’t go over the line again but he still did.

    My main 2 things 1. she crossed the line with some of her comments and that worries me because if she can do that while sober what could happen while she drinks
    2. She finds this conversation and situation fun and she thinks his comments are funny when she knows very well that his comments hurt me very much, yet she still talks to him and lets him say these things. I have not said anything to the guy and have tried to ignore my jealousy and told my gf she can do what she wants (kind of a test to see if she cared if I was hurt by this) well she chose to keep on talking to him. Now I don’t know what to do.

    Probably the longest post you’ve ever gotten on here ha ha.

    • Tracey says:

      Oh my god, that was a long post….lol! Anyways… thanx so much for the long post, i indeed read it all as well. After my posting i come to realizing that if a girl wants to chat it up with a guy then make it a light chat, nothing personal that they need to know, that why the guy can’t find your weakness if you have issues and always let them know your unavilable! Thanks again for the post, I really appericate it!!

    • Hey Josh, thanks for writing.

      It seem like you’ve handled the situation pretty well so far. Like you say, blowing off the rail or showing too much jealousy will play against you.

      Whilst the maths teacher has definitely stepped over the line and there’s clearly only one thing on his mind (although you said he wasn’t aware she was in a relationship at first and we don’t know his particular character), your girlfriend’s replies are not as bad as they seem. Whilst she is definitely leading him on, the fact that all her statements are reciprocal means she could just be enjoying the validation of having a man of ‘authority’ flirt with her.

      The positive aspect is that she showed you the conversation. Did she explain why she did show you? Was it because she herself thought the conversation was inappropriate? You’ve done the right thing in letting her know that it isn’t acceptable but not becoming too visibly threatened by it all.

      The best way to put a woman off a specific man is to allude to the fact he is being creepy but in a sense that only buys you time. If she is happy to behave like this with one guy then she will with others. There’s nothing you can specifically do about this but calmly letting her know you are a bit uneasy about the way he is talking to her whilst not acting jealous or threatened is the best way to deal with it. Afterwards, take her mind off it and remember YOU are her boyfriend and your time together should be mainly positive emotions.

      Another option that you may have considered is messaging the maths teacher (with your girlfriend’s approval of course)… I wouldn’t particularly recommend it as the superior man wouldn’t even entertain the notion that this other guy has a ‘chance’. If you do decide to message him though you have to word it very carefully so that you are not conveying a threatened or threatening attitude in any way but are simply politely telling him you are aware of the conversations and that they are unacceptable. That could be enough to stop his behaviour.

      Let me know how it pans out or if there are any further developments,

      Sam

  19. er says:

    Sam, love your website. So i have been dating this girl for a few months and we finally made it official on thursday(keep it mind that both of us haven’t had a boyfriend or girlfriend for 5 years). the next day there was a girls night out at a dance club.

    Now, my girlfriend is the typical girl who gets along better with guys and is extremely friendly. Shes the type of girl who has a hard time saying no if a guy asks her to dance. Sometimes I dont feel like she realizes guys true intentions sometimes and just think they want to be friends. At the same time she is somewhat shy and quiet and doesn’t go out to much.(kind of the artsy type)

    At around midnight my newly acquired girlfriend who was extremely drunk called me to come meet up with her at the club. Once I got there she mentioned that she was dancing with a guy and he tried to kiss her but she turned her head and he kissed her on the cheek. She also mentioned that he grabbed her hand and held it while going to the bar. I understand stand that girls will get hit on but it almost seemed like she didn’t really put to much effort in getting away from the guy. As a matter of fact she actually introduced me to the guy later on saying that this was her friend(although they just met that night) and he continued to hover around her when i was with her even after she told me that she told him he had a boyfriend.

    Then she began acting a weird and mentioned that she felt like i didn’t want her (probably the alcohol speaking), then after telling her that I do want her she seemed to feel a little better and we hung out the rest of the night

    Now the kicker here is that I had a good friend(girl) who was at the club the whole time and when i got there I introduced my friend to my girlfriend. The next day my friend calls me and mentioned to me how disappointed she was in my girlfriend. Apparently my friend noticed my girlfriend there because she was dancing (grinding of course) with multiple guys and she was acting like she was single the whole time.

    Now I trust my girlfriend but Im afraid that she doesn’t quite understand the boundries of a relationship.

    So this is what I said to her.

    “Im not not mad at you, but i feel like you disrespected me because you had every opportunity to walk away from that guy who was trying to kiss you. If you cannot tell them that you have a boyfriend and be assertive about it then we should not be in a relationship. ”

    She didn’t really give the “I’m so sorry” reply but she did say that “she does need to be more assertive and that she just wants to be with me”

    was that the proper way to handle it? If so, then why do I still feel so uncomfortable about the whole situation ? Should I just move forward and put this incident in my back pocket?

    I mean, we just made it official and she goes out and does this….should it worry me?

    Thanks in advance

    • Hey there, thanks for checking out my website and I’m glad you enjoy it! :)

      This sounds like a common case of men and women reading signals differently in a club environment but you hit the nail on the head when you said that your girlfriend might not understand the boundaries of the relationship yet. You mention that this is her first relationship in quite a while so it may be a case of not having adapted to it yet as it is still new.

      At the end of the day she seemed quite open about her actions, which come across as naive rather than malicious and although nothing too detrimental happened, you are right to tell her how you feel.

      The way you expressed your feelings wasn’t too bad in the sense that it doesn’t come across as threatened or needy but I would try and eliminate most of the “you” statements and frame it more as how you personally feel so it doesn’t come across as accusatory. In this case she seemed to respond well enough to it though. In fact, a decisive response from her is a lot better than simply being overly apologetic as it suggests she is making her own informed decisions on the matter.

      It will be interesting to see how she acts next time when in a similar situation now that she knows how it makes her look. I suspect that she will tone down her actions just off the back of what has happened so far and as your relationship progresses. There are more important things to focus on though rather than this currently isolated incident so for now, like you said, it might be best to put it behind you both.

      Let me know if anything else comes up,

      Sam

  20. Nicholai says:

    I understand the article suggests going about things in a logical adult manner, and frankily the point you made about be-friending one of her guys friends that is into her would totally diffuse the situation is brilliant as I have seen it work in practice, but I still feel as their are situations in which you might need to hit a guy.

    • Hey Nicholai,

      I appreciate that there are certain situations where you may WANT to or FEEL like you should hit a guy who is being disrespectful (the protector instinct is innate in all of us) but it is rarely productive in the bigger picture.

      The momentary satisfaction of hurting someone is far less compelling than learning to control any situation both mentally and in practice.

      Second to this, the best revenge you can get on someone is for them to know that you are completely unaffected emotionally by their actions. As well as inviting physical injuries for yourself, punching someone projects that they have the upper hand socially, however much you physically hurt them.

      Thanks for commenting,

      Sam

  21. Phillip says:

    I wanted to get your advice on my personal situation as well as trying to apply your advice in the article.

    My girlfriends best friend is a guy she has known alot longer than me and has alot in common with. He has recently decided that she is his “dream girl” and that he wants to be with her. We have been together almost two years. Im the jealous type and have major trust issuses. She mostly just ignores the situation, to my knowledge she has never really tried to discourage his advances other than saying she just wants to be friends and not hanging out with him very much anymore. His emails and text messages however are growing more and more blatant about his love for her. He’s trying to convince her that I’m bad for her and he is the better choice. She doesnt keep me informed to these messages I just have to find them and confront her with them. Any advice on where to go from here?

    • Hi Phillip,

      I actually have first-hand experience of your exact situation so I can relate to and empathise with what you’ve written. Most people will tend to act either too controlling or too aloof when in such a situation so it’s about finding the right balance to how you react to everything.

      From your brief descriptions of how this other guy is behaving, it sounds typical of the ‘lovable loser’ for want of a better term. As you have been together for such a long time and assuming everything else is positive with your relationship, you really don’t have to worry about him as a threat. The only way they would end up together as it stands is if you drive your girlfriend towards him emotionally by acting too controlling or aloof as I mentioned.

      Having said that, keeping the situation as it is isn’t useful for anyone so you can help your girlfriend to put closure on it and let him know with authority that they are just friends and nothing will happen between them (a lot of women find putting something like that in a letter is easier). The thing that prolongs and strengthens the infatuation for guys like this is the HOPE that they can one day be with the person in question and that is what their long friendship has inadvertently created.

      It is ultimately her choice in how to deal with it all, so in the meantime all you can do is concentrate on other aspects of your relationship, try and be the best boyfriend you can be whilst making your time together fun and positive and then encourage your girlfriend to keep you updated with anything that happens regarding this other guy so everyone knows where they stand.

      All the best,

      Sam

  22. Al says:

    Hi Sam, I really enjoyed the article and replies to the posts on the site. I have a situation I would like to get your feedback on please.

    A little background: I have been with many women but I also tend to get jealous with them and I have been hurt by some past experiences and I have also hurt women in the past as well from which i Have learned from and changed.
    I have been with my girl for about a year now. My girlfriend is a natural beauty who is smart, friendly , understanding and kind. She can come off as a little flirty because she is so friendly to everyone. I do have serious issues with the large amount of male attention she gets though and I feel powerless in doing away with this insecurity. A few months ago she lied to me about seeing her ex a few times on a completely platonic basis , I found out from someone else. She admitted immediately that she has seen him to try and establish some sort of friendship with him but told me she did not want to tell me about it fearing I would be upset about it. Nothing came of their friendship, maybe it was just closure. Ever since I have had some trust issue because of my own past experiences with other women and this situation. She has since realized the wrong in her action and tells me a lot about the guys that hit on her , at my request( sometimes I grill her with questions). I tell her I feel better knowing the truth and that she should tell me about a situation if she believes it warrants my attention. On the other hand when she tells me about a guy that was hitting on her after she already told him she is with me , i get angry at the lack of respect of these men and I get fearful and jealous. She tells me she would like to avoid telling me about guys asking her to dance, or for her phone number because I get enraged, but at the same time she respects the fact that I would like to know and not be in the dark.

    My question really is this:
    How can I cope with hearing about these situations with men hitting on her and not get so upset and jealous? And I know maybe I shouldn’t ask so much about these everyday occurences but I can’t help it.

    Secondly: She is going away to the carribean for a week for a wedding. From a past experience where my ex cheated on me while she was away I fear she will do the same and not tell me becasue she doesnt want to hurt me.

    She expresses to me that she would never do anything with anyone she just met ( it took 3 months before we became sexually active because she wanted to be close with me first). She says she is fully committed to me and that I satisfy her sexual desires plenty, and that I have nothing to worry about.

    Unfortunately I worry that because of her friendliness ,bright smile, beautiful body , that many guys will talk to her in group settings and one on one because she is such a good listener. My fear takes over my rationality, I fear she will be attracted to a more successful guy down there, that she could cheat, that she may end up leaving me or that something miniscule might happen but she won’t tell me because I would get upset. I picture myself grilling her with questions when she returns.!! She says she will miss me so much and I do believe her but I also understand the power of temptation and it scares me … I would really like an objective piece of advice on me and my situation please. Thanks. – Al

    • Hey Al,

      First up, a lot of the feelings you describe are natural but it’s good that you understand that they are unproductive for your relationship. Jealousy and lack of trust aren’t feelings that you can rid yourself of in an instant, but you can slowly work on overcoming or desensitising yourself to them through repetitive cognition. It is a combination of being reassured and not fuelling any anxieties that will help you.

      As a start, the way to get your girlfriend to be completely honest and open about these sorts of things is to let her know that you won’t overreact, or more importantly JUDGE her. Whilst it is her looks and personality that are attracting guys, it’s fundamentally not her fault that these guys are hitting on her, so it is all about your perceived reaction (and consequently your trust) as to how open she will want to be with you. Whilst you can make her feel at ease with this in the beginning by simply making a conscious effort to suppress any feelings of anger or jealousy, in the long run you want to actually believe it’s not an issue, at which point it won’t even be a concern if she tells you or not.

      Positive self-talk and reassuring experiences will do this over time but remember that trust for a partner is not circumstantial whilst you have a mutual understanding… You want your girlfriend to be able to tell you anything because she WANTS to, not because she feels she HAS to.

      If you find that you can’t resist probing her about various interactions or events, then try to at least frame the conversation in a positive way, or once again in a way where she won’t feel judged.

      As for your girlfriend’s trip to the Caribbean, it is once again a situation where you can only concentrate on the things that are within your control. I think you know that logically she won’t cheat on you and from the way you’ve described her feelings and your relationship, you really don’t have much to worry about. You have to start truly believing that though and not letting past relationships influence your actions.

      On a logical note, her going away for a week is actually a great opportunity to build commitment. She says she is going to miss you and this is something you can heighten by giving her something to look forward to for when she returns; perhaps you could arrange a surprise for her! If you can send her a message or two whilst she is away (nothing over the top) then that will help too but the main thing is to keep your mind busy whilst she is away so you don’t concern yourself with what could (but realistically wouldn’t) be happening with her.

      If you haven’t read the ‘infidelity series’ articles found in the ‘Best of’ section of this website then I reckon you will find further useful advice there but remember the three points that I continually repeat: take pride that your girlfriend is attractive, concentrate on being the best boyfriend (and most attractive person) you can be and work on any insecurities personally, away from your girlfriend.

      All the best,

      Sam

  23. David Bilskey says:

    My girlfriend is very attractive she has guys hit on her and i/she handles the situation fine most of the time. I am 16 and she is 15 i know its to young to worry about stuff like this but i love her and she doesn’t always handle the situations the right way when guys hit on her or try to get with her. Sometimes I step in and handle it ish and it usually turns out the way it should. Like she used to flirt extremely bad but i stepped in and solved it but the way she flirted was childish. Like when one does something to get the others attention and the other goes running to them…. In a childish way…. so i’m guessing the question is why/how should i let her handle the situations?? another thing is she likes to keep the phone away from me how do i know she is not keeping stuff from me cause she does this often and lately a lot i guess i trust herish or at least i try but she has had an instance with one of her past bf’s that she was talking to someone while she was with someone else maybe it’s her that’s not trustworthy another thing is that i recently noticed i was depressed well other people noticed and i think half of it is her but i don’t want her to know and its not when im around her because when i am around her i am extremely happy but when we are away from each other it’s the guy hitting on her thing and her not handling it the right way if the email doesnt make to much sense email me and ill write a novel lol

  24. Melissa says:

    This is the girl from the latest message from David and well I`d like to say a few things myself. I grew up with two brothers older than me and so I hang out with guys more seldomly than girls. Well my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care much that I have tons of guy friends, but he gets aggravated when i mess around with them because he says that I am per say “flirting” with them when in fact I am not or at least it seems that way to me. Such as hitting them hard like two guys would mess around when they are buddies. I do not see a problem with it. I just wish he would understand that I am not trying to flirt that I am just messing around.
    I did have a boyfriend that I never met but we talked alot and became much closer so with that we started dating hoping to soon meet after a period of time , but soon he quit contacting me and I could not get a hold of him and so I assumed that there was no more of a relation between us. So recently he contacted me and I confronted him that I had moved on (thinking that he would understand) but he didn’t and started telling me that he had wanted to be together so we could get married and such and my present boyfriend said I should of told him to f*** off . I told him that I was trying not to be mean when truly I am not the mean type. So he got really upset about it. I stopped contacting this person that night just to show David that I loved him and not the other guy. But yet he still says that I should have been mean or in his words handled it alot better. Even though I dreaded it I still told him about the situation because it was the right thing to do right?
    Well also another thing he mentioned was that I keep the phone away from him. I do not ussually do so in some cases but its because he asks every single day to see my phone and I get the feeling he doesn’t trust me. I do not mind him seeing it but being asked alot to see it well gets annoying after time.
    I have been told that he is such an over protective person because when I am not around him he is like every three minutes what are you doing. I don’t mind it at least it shows he cares but I want him to learn to trust me.
    I love him to death but one thing that he did not mention was the fact I am a very indecisive person and when I don’t decide things he gets activated at that too. But when he decides anything I am happy doing what he chooses. It bugs me when he forces me to choose something because it is just the way I am and I hate deciding things.
    Oh plus he hates kids and never wants us to have any and well I have diffrent feelings about that how is that going to effect us later in life??
    Well i hope you get this soon because I want to read both replies and get some advice from this. thanks

    • David Bilskey says:

      I don’t ask for your phone ALL THE TIME….. It is flirting don’t get me wrong as i said “Like when one does something to get the others attention and the other goes running to them…. In a childish way….” and im 16 i dont wanna think of kids for a long while

    • David Bilskey says:

      ok another thing you were dating josh and talking to scott at the same time we’ve only been dating 2 months and something odd days maybe you should try letting me see your phone when i ask for it let me gain your trust… and about the guy you never met you can treat me like s*** call me names and make fun of me being depressed when we are fighting and you can’t be mean to him and another i text you every three minutes asking what you are doing because we usually have nothing to talk about and i try starting a conversation and i do hate kids but, when i grow up i may somehow may mature and want a kid

  25. David Bilskey says:

    forgot but your advise dude who does the advice i got something for you if you dont act like you don’t care because that’s what your basically saying how do you expect for the other to think that you care about them

    • Melissa says:

      i was not talking to Josh and Scott at the same time you do not know this anyhow you never knew me and what you heard was probably gossip. About the guy thing I only get mad at you when we are fighting because you want to start stuff and I just start stuff right back at you. What is up with you just throwing stuff up you either do not know the whole story to or you know i didn’t mean because like i have told you before I do not mean half the things I say when I am mad and plus when Im mad at you I talk to my guy-friends instead that’s one reason i don’t text you back half the time when we are in an argument.

    • David Bilskey says:

      And maybe you should treat me with respect at all times like i treat you with respect.

  26. Melissa says:

    how do I not treat you with respect, I do when its a day to day basis I do admit that I don`t when I am upset or mad at you and I will will try not to be so harsh when we have anymore arguments.

    • David says:

      You do treat me with respect most of the time but when we argue you get stupid and call names because you hate being proved wrong when everyone else is telling you are “Kyle O’guin Junior”

    • Hello David and Melissa, I thought I would reply to you both at the same time as you are both here. :)

      First of all, it’s actually good that you have both let out some of your feelings here and you now know more about what each other’s concerns are. Whilst I don’t believe age is a factor in relationships, as with every relationship, you will be learning a lot about how to treat each other and handle certain situations as it progresses.

      David, Melissa actually sounds extremely clued up and as a self-proclaimed good judge of character, I would say that she sounds sincere in her motives towards the relationship and innocent towards any wrongdoing. Perhaps, as she admits, she may not handle every situation in the ‘best’ way but as long as she is honest with you, you have no reason not to trust her.

      As for the issue with checking the mobile phone, I can understand the desire to want to see what she is texting other people but at the same time, there is a certain element of privacy that you should respect. Even if Melissa let you see everything that happens on her phone, it is worth considering why you would feel the need to do so.

      Not to highlight the point of you guys being young but yes the issue of children doesn’t really need to be addressed right now and your views will undoubtedly change as you get older.

      The main point to mention though is the apparent miscommunication going on. You guys would benefit from discussing some of the things you are discussing here in person as a lot of the issues seem to be built-up emotions that can be easily resolved with a bit of mutual understanding.

      Take care and feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk about any specific points,

      Sam

  27. geoff says:

    Women are just a bunch of selfish, egocentric, lying, backstabbing dogs. Whilst it is one thing to have trust in your girlfriend talking to other men, however attractive, especially if she has a friendly, bubbly personality which might be construed as “flirtatious” and men may mistake that as an amorous sign, because should they try to take it any further, the girlfriend will immediately put a stop to it because it was never her intention to flirt in the first place, just being friendly, thats one thing. But the key to that is being friendly, not flirty, a woman can be one without the other. The problem is most women are too stupid to know the difference, they are attention craving whores, each and every last one of them, whatever happened to actually communicating with your partner, actually telling them that perhaps you feel that they could tell you that they are not feeling appreciated, or they wish that you could tell them more that they were beautiful. I mean seriously, who gives a flying fig if some anonymous smartarse stranger thinks your hot when you are married or in a relationship, its whether or not your partner, first and foremost thinks you are attractive, and communicate and talk things through, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes, work at it. The problem is women are all a bunch of worthless, vile, attention seeking whores who have it programmed in them to cheat, always look for greener grass and bigger and better on the other side. It is an absolute load of dross. The fact is that these days nobody has any idea about partnerships or things such as faithfulness and the fact is women are just a bunch of attention whore dogs who are never to be trusted and have destroyed the notion of love, they are all so competitive with regards to their own vanity and desperate for male attention, they are selfish, stupid creatures with no self respect, dignity or pride, they are all just a bunch of worthless whores who do not deserve an ounce of respect. That old chestnut of “oh, they just want to feel and know that they are desired by other people is a crock of utter bull”. Typical, selfish, attention seeking, whore-mongering dross from women who are simply and utterly a bunch of dogs. No wonder men are leaving them on the scrap heap where they deserve to remain, women are a bunch of worthless dogs, stuff them all to hell, women deserve to be used and tossed aside because they bring it on themselves and have no right to complain. Women are a waste of time and I do not want to have anything to do with them ever, screw women to hell, each and every last one of them, all vile, worthless dogs.

    • Hi Geoff,

      I’m not sure what experiences you’ve had with women in the past but I would be interested to hear where you developed these beliefs from. Obviously there will always be some women (and men) who don’t always behave in the best way regarding relationships and dating but generalising all women into that same demographic is only going to negatively affect any future relationships you have…

      Sam

  28. Francis says:

    Hey Sam

    My girlfriend and I have dated for 2, almost 3 years now. The past summer, we broke up due to my lack of attention toward her. This guy came in and almost forced her to date him. She hid this problem from me while we are apart. even during this time we were apart.. whenever she comes to visit, she would come and sleep in an embrace with me at night. When i found out that this guy was trying to win her.. i (much like most man would) reacted. I realized that what i did was wrong. She has a very passive approach in solving this situation while i wanted her to directly tell him “i dont’ like you, leave me alone”.

    We have been back together for a while now.. and at first things were shaky between us, it’s gotten much better now to the point where we felt we just fell in love again like when we got together. However, this graduate student that works at her lab… started to hit on her and says horrible things about me infront of her.. She disclose these things to me, which i was glad but i was very angry at him.. I misdirected my frustration at her.. we talked things out and it’s back to normal now.. However.. the grad student is still hitting on her and be-littleing me infront of her every day.. She wouldnt let me go straight up to talk to him.. but i want him to stop bothering us.

    I just want to know how to behave/ help her in these situations as my girlfriend is veyr attractive… during my two and a hlaf years with her.. 5 guys came and try to get her from me.. i just want to know how to deal with these predators better and not make her cry ever again.. as i understand.. these things are not faults of hers…

    • Hey Francis,

      It’s unclear if the graduate student and the guy you first mention are the same person. Either way, their behaviour does sound rather unpleasant and the situation should be rectified.

      Is your girlfriend becoming notably distressed by this graduate student’s behaviour? Obviously if she is working with him then ignoring him is not an option so if his behaviour/advances are something you mutually want to put a stop to then try and give her the courage to be more decisive in the situation. As you say she is rather passive, you want to try and think of polite, non-aggressive ways that she can tell this guy she feels upset at his unacceptable behaviour. Talk this through with her and be as supportive as you can.

      You want to let her know that you empathise with her feelings and that this is for her benefit ahead of yours.

      Lastly, don’t worry about guys that don’t know you properly ‘belittling you’… their points will rarely be warranted and your girlfriend will see that. The tactic itself is probably the worst way to win someone over who is already in a relationship and it says a lot more about their character than it does about yours, so try not to concern yourself with any personal comments that are made about you.

      Take care,

      Sam

  29. James says:

    Hello, I have a question. I have been with my girlfriend for about 4 and a half months, and there are times that guys hit on her or try to flirt with her. I hold back jealousy and this is my first girlfriend. Recently before my winter break, a guy in my fraternity came into my room one night and my girlfriend and I were their just chillen and he asked her for her number so he could let her know about parties. After I left for home, she went out one night and she said he tried to give her a ride back to the frat house to party and then he got her and one of her friends to come up to his room and tried to give both of them drinks. She felt uncomfortable and left and he tried hug her. Now I just picked my girlfriend up from the airport this past friday and while I was hanging out with her on sunday, he called her to let her know there was a party and then text her and then called her again later on and then left a voicemail. I was there the whole time and he did not know I was there. Then when we went to the party he seemed surprised to see me. He is known for shady behavior in the past and trying to hook up with a girl that had just broken up with a fellow friend and person in the same fraternity. I feel like he is trying to hit on her and she even thinks that too. I feel to betrayed if that is the matter and do not know what to do. Please, if anyone can give any advice that would be great.

    • Hi James,

      As I mentioned at the beginning of the above article, university and college is a time where these concerns are particularly heightened. I was in a similar situation when I first started dating my girlfriend Heidi so I can relate to your situation.

      University (especially within fraternities) is a time where most guys are calibrating there social skills and learning the boundaries of relationships properly for the first time. Whilst I don’t condone the behaviour of guys like the one you describe, his behaviour is most likely stemming from a social naivety rather than a personal vendetta.

      One thing you can try is to light-heartedly and jokingly call him out on flirting with your girlfriend. As long as you don’t make it sound patronising or accusatory, you can make a joke about it and get a sense of his true feelings and intentions at the same time. How well this works will be largely based on how laidback his personality is. Having said that, you mention that he has a ‘shady history’ regarding friends and relationships so you don’t want to let him know that he is getting to you or that there are frailties in your relationship.

      Other than that, if he really is making both of you uncomfortable, simply reduce the amount of time that you specifically hang out with him. Speak to your girlfriend about it and make sure that it is what she wants and that it’s not something you persuade her to do if this is the option you choose.

      Take care,

      Sam

  30. Tom says:

    Hi, This is slightly off topic but related. I have been going out with my GF for 4 years we have spent the past 6 months long distance as I am English and she is Polish. We had been having a few problems which got worse the longer we were apart. She went for a drink with a male friend one day and I joked that she had gone out on a date. She said dont be silly they were just friends. I thought that was the case and really was just messing around.

    She became more and more distant over the next 2 weeks and eventually I asked her what was happening. She said that she was unsure about us because I didn’t have much intrest in living in Poland and our relationship was becoming too intense for her and not only was she unsure if she wanted to be with me she had feelings for this other bloke. She had been texting and talking to him for those two weeks discussing her life and our relationship and how she wasnt happy. She hadnt done anything physical but they both knew the attraction was there.

    Long story short she came to England for a week I told her I was happy to move to Poland and I loved her and we talked it out and she decided that she wanted to give us a chance.

    2 months on we are moving to Poland and she hasn’t been in contact with this guy but she says she doesn’t blame him for what happened and it’s a shame they cant be friends as he is best mates with her sisters boyfriend and they are in a band together. I have said I think it’s best she doesn’t speak to or see this guy but I don’t want to be an asshole who stops her from doing anything she wants to do in her life, but dread the idea that she may have feelings for him again and making it easy and acceptable for them to be friends might make it more likely for her feelings to come back or get stronger. Although she didn’t cheat I still feel like she betrayed me by talking to him instead of me about problems that should be be discussed with me.

    There will be plenty of situations where we might bump into this guy when we are in Poland and I really don’t know the best way to act around him. Obviously my gut instinct is to destroy the guy. But I really love this girl and I don’t think I would be showing her the man I would want to be in this situation which is to act as if nothing happened and give the guy a chance. This however is easier said than done and also in the back of my mind I wonder why she wants to be friends with him.

    What do you think the best way to act in the situation is both with her and potentially around him?

    • Hey Tom,

      This is a common scenario within a long-distance relationship but it is good that things didn’t get out of hand and now that you are not going to be physically apart from each other, I’m sure the issues will resolve themselves.

      This may sound counter-intuitive but by suggesting or telling your girlfriend that you don’t want her to see this guy, you are actually creating a barrier that is one of the foundations that attraction is built upon. Your girlfriend does sound committed to you so whilst I’m sure it isn’t an issue, you don’t want to be denying each other power in certain situations. This is especially true if you are going to continually bump into this guy as you suggest… The issue will never go away if it is constantly made to be an issue!

      As for how to act around this guy, I know it might be hard at first but try to be as sociable (friendly) with him as you can when you cross paths. You don’t have to become best friends with him but being polite to him and trying to understand where he is coming from will help in two ways: it will make you feel better about the situation and more in control and also make him respect you as a person that he doesn’t want to betray.

      Remember that it’s not this guy’s fault if he is attracted to your girlfriend and from the sounds of it he hasn’t done anything out of line so far; he might actually be a thoroughly nice man if you give him a chance.

      Your girlfriend’s feelings might take a bit more effort to align but now that you are together and no longer long-distance, you can constantly work on enriching your relationship.

      It sounds like you know deep down how you should act and what you should do but it will take a lot of conscious effort and composure to follow through with that.

      Thanks for writing and all the best for life in Poland,

      Sam

  31. Matt says:

    Hi sam. i love this website. It really showed me that im not the only one that has a problem dealing with jealousy and trust, and you seem like someone I can trust with my feelings so here goes. I am quite young. I am 16 and my girlfriend is 17. We have been dating for nearly 5 months (I know for some that isnt long but for me its the longest) my girlfriend is the party girl and must always have a bf type.
    I myself am quite like the jealous type, and we are both very mature for our ages, we have an intimate sex life, and we live in a country probly quite far from you. New Zealand.
    My problem is this. my girlfriend goes to many parties most of which i dont go 2. and i am always curious so i txt her while shes there, hows the parties? many guys hitting on you? i know this isnt the right approach but i cant help it. shes always honest with me and tells me many guys hit on her. what should i be doing?
    she just went out to this big party tonight, and everyone stays the night in tents,(supply your own). she went with one of her girl mates and 2 of her guy mates. and they didnt take a tent. she told me she(herself) is going to ask someone(random person) if they can sleep in their tent with them.
    She has just text me saying shes going around guys tents asking, and shes by herself, she left her mates. i have trust issues, and though we really love eachother, should i not trust her in this situation? what can i ask her to get some truth?
    she does drink and she said to me just now “yeah i cheated on you” (i asked her) and she would usually joke about this but i just dont no anymore. is it me having trust issues? or is she just joking around with me? advice please.
    another thing is this last night i walked to see her at another party and she said i think we should end it because 2 of your friends really hate me and i know you dont feel comfortable about it. after a few tears we sorted things out. would this have changed much in our relationship?
    thanks alot for any advice you can give me.

    • Hey Matt,

      Everyone has to deal with jealousy and trust at some point so you are most certainly not alone in that department.

      I’ve dated many ‘party girls’ in the past too and although this creates more vulnerable situations than other types of girls, the dynamics of the relationship and how you should ideally treat your girlfriend are largely the same.

      Texting your girlfriend whilst she is at parties is fine but you do want to remove any signs of neediness when you do. It is best not to ask questions that have any sort of underlying assumption where you probably don’t really want to know the answer anyway. Instead of asking “are many guys hitting on you?” you could ask something like “what’s the craziest thing that has happened so far?” That’s obviously just a rushed example but it shows how you can reframe any of your concerns as interest rather than suspicion.

      Obviously there are a lot of contextual details to the tent situation but from the sounds of it, it all sounds fun and innocent. The fact that she is texting you information like that shows that she doesn’t have ulterior motives herself. Making sure she is safe and not to be taken advantage of is a different matter entirely; a girl wondering around random tents at night on her own doesn’t sound particularly safe on the face of it so you could ring her in those situations.

      A lot of the other situations you are describing revolve around being more assertive and reassuring in the relationship. This does start with learning to trust more easily because without your girlfriend giving you a legitimate reason not to trust her, all these concerns are created solely in your mind.

      As for some practical advice, you want to practice starting to take control of more of these situations and more importantly, make an effort to restrain yourself from going down any routes that hint at insecurities (such as asking her if she has cheated or anything similar). These do absolutely nothing positive for the relationship regardless of how she answers, so although they may seem to ease your mind at the time, in the long run they are reinforcing the trust issues and setting up further issues in the relationship.

      Trust and jealousy are things that are cured over time, through positive experience and by not letting emotion influence logic. You can raise some of your concerns with your girlfriend if you really feel the need to but like I said, until she gives you legitimate reasons not to trust her, the healthiest option is to trust her fully and take your mind off any of the trust illusions.

      All the best,

      Sam

  32. Matt says:

    hey Sam thanks 4 the advice. but i have another problem here. when i asked her if she cheated on me , as a joke, she said yes she went to base 3 with this guy. I didn’t believe her. later that night i called her and she said she went to base 2 with this guy. and then about two days later she confessed. she said she hooked up with a guy in his car that night of the party and i was soooooo mad. she said that was all they did and it was for about 10 seconds and she didn’t enjoy it at all. she said she fully regretted it and it wasn’t her intention to doing so, but she did give him all the green lights with out realizing. i Forgave her after a while of hard talking and crying.
    Now on Tuesday, (yesterday) she came over, and whenever we were talking i could tell something was bothering her so i asked her whats wrong, and whats bothering you and she told me a second side to the story. she said she went to base 2 with the guy, and i asked her for every little detail as i was so furious at this point. she said she was sitting on the passenger side with her legs out the door, and he said you look very pretty and grabbed her face with 1 hand and hooked up with her, then with his other hand he did base 2. Now after this i was so rejected and unwanted, and i asked her at least 10 times is that all? and she said yes. I forgave her once again, and told her i love her too much to lose her. she told me “I did enjoy it but the guilt makes me regret every piece and i would take it back if i could”, and “I love you too much baby”(she said this to me).
    But the next piece of this puzzle was by far the worst…..
    She told me the shocking truth and what she assures there is no more after this…..
    i saw something was once more bothering her, and i said whats wrong now? and immediately stood up walked to the front of my room and said, “I asked you at least 10 times if that was the end of the story and you assured me yes, now tell me what else happened in that car,” she stood up and said, “i will tell you but 1st i must pack my bags because I’m going after this,” and that notified me something big happened. She said,” you probably wont want to ever see my face again after i tell you this, sit down Matt. OK so we went to his car to look for his sandal, no lies, then i sat on the passenger seat with my legs out of the car, he said i looked very beautiful tonight”(hes 19,and shes 17)(dont know why i said that) and then he grabbed her face and hooked up with her for about 10 seconds, and then went to base 2 after that for about 7 seconds after they finished hooking up, and then he went down on her for 5 seconds which was base 3. and then he came back up and they hooked up for a little longer and then she pushed him away and said i”m sorry i cant do this. she told me she really enjoyed it at the time and at the same time she didn’t. meaning he was to rough and she says that nothing is better then doing it with someone you love which I’m guessing is her saying she loves it with me not him, and she said she was just experimenting, seeing if the grass is greener on the other side. and she said it definitely isn’t. i was once again a fool to forgive her. she said the only reason why she didn’t tell me the whole story at the start was because of how i reacted when she said on the phone that all she did was hook up with him. i understand that, but is this really the last story, i didnt notice her acting strange after that, and that gives me the sign she is telling the truth. but do you think i should trust her anymore please advice Sam. oh and she assured me she didnt go base 4 3 or 2 with him. or even feel him up for that matter.(I got all details out of her). I gave her a second chance well 4 or 5 for that matter, but she says she really loves me and regrets it, and i really love her too, but does she deserve me, and if she did it because she was drunk or if she wanted to try an older more mature guy, and can i trust her to not do it again guaranteed if she says so? and also am I being love drunk and not seeing she really did enjoy it but since she had a bf thats the only thing stopping her from dumping me to have sex with him?
    Sam i am really need some answers here please help me.
    Thank you,
    Matt

    • Hi Matt,

      Well this obviously puts a completely different perspective on the situation now that your girlfriend has admitted to all of this.

      From my experience, the people who openly admit their unfaithfulness are the ones who typically have the most sincere regret for their actions but that doesn’t excuse what has actually happened.

      What they did or did not do is inconsequential when we get to the root of the issue… It is the fact that she betrayed your trust and did things that obviously abused the principles of you relationship that matters. If you can get past the physical acts that occurred then I salute your mental strength and it is just the practical elements of the relationship that are left to manage.

      You can put her actions down to naivety or being taken advantage of but even so, it is either something about her character that you can help her to be more self-assured in situations like the one she got herself in, or being more assertive yourself towards what is and what is not acceptable in the relationship.

      If you blindly forgive her, then even if she is sincere in her apologies, the psychological statement that you will forgive her regardless of what she does may lead to further issues.

      Although her moral principles will be telling her that she has done wrong herself (and the way she hesitantly confessed everything supports this), it is down to you to readdress the balance and let her know that these sorts of things are unacceptable in a monogamous relationship and you won’t let that be continually compromised. She has to believe this to the point that she doesn’t even get into situations where she can get taken advantage of by other guys.

      If you do decide to forgive her and work on cementing any parts of the relationship that may have led to her unfaithfulness, you must be 100% candid with your decision and promise for it not to get continually brought up in the future. Only you can decide if you can still trust her.

      Good luck in your decision and outcome,

      Sam

  33. Paddy says:

    Hi Sam
    I just wanted to quickly say how much this website has helped me and from this page alone, it is amazing to me how much time and effort you have put in to all these replies. I have just sent a donation through the link I found on your homepage. Its not much but is my way of saying thankyou : )
    P

  34. existingdark says:

    Hello, my name is Alex and I’m 17. My girlfriend is turning 16 in a couple months and we’ve been dating for around 8 months now. My problem with guys flirting with her is kind of double-sided.

    First of all, there’s the people in our school. They tend to get overly-physical and it really irritates me. For example, about two weeks ago we were in one of our friend’s house, and her friend had one male guest there that my girlfriend had been in forensics with. He got too touchy-feely and ended up doing something way out of hand that I had REALLY wanted to slam him against the wall for. She had only sort of told him never to do it again, but she lacks the assertiveness to really make it clear to guys like that. He knew we had been dating and were really close and can’t judge his actions. I dealt with that problem by telling him that, next time, if she says stop he had better stop. I made it absolutely clear that he would not get away with crossing the line so far again. He took it akwardly, but didn’t make a scene out of it, and my girlfriend was there but didn’t show any signs of disapproval or approval.

    The problem is, there’s more than just one that I have to deal with. Some of them are people that I’ve never seen before in her classes that are a grade below me. I know it isn’t her fault, but she isn’t showing enough determination to actually get through guys’ thick skulls. Is this something that I could tell her without getting her upset? If I did, I would say something along the lines of: “You know, one reason why other guys might be touching you/hitting you so much is because the way you tell them ‘no’ is too subtle for them to understand.” or something along those lines.

    My other problem is the internet, namely Facebook. I barely ever check mine anymore, but I hear from time to time about things that happens when she gets on. My biggest worry is this kid from Canada that keeps giving her sexual compliments to her looks, etc. I wouldn’t mind it so much, but the fact that they are sexual in nature gets at me and makes me sad whenever I think about it. I want to ask him to stop, but would that be overstepping my boundaries? She knows it upsets me, but again is a bit too nice and even when she does tell someone to stop, the message doesn’t connect strongly enough.

    I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I can’t help but feel sad whenever something like this happens. My greatest fear is that, if I begin to act too harshly, is that I will become much like the men I hate most. People like her father, who are controlling, abusive, and psychopaths. I’ve been noticing lately that to get anywhere with people I have to show some agression either just in words or by using intimidating actions (eg. to get any point across to my father I need to use agression.) and it always leaves me with the worst feeling.

    On my side, I don’t have much of anyone hitting on me, and if they do I appologize and tell them clearly that I have a girlfriend. Usually the problem is solved that very moment, or if not then within a half an hour of making my point across. I feel so sad about these kind of things because, on my side, I keep my loyalty and don’t let anyone get near the borderline. I never get any sort of close calls that she gets with guys and it doesn’t seem fair. When I bring it up, she always tells me that she will never leave. I believe her, but the fact that these things arent stopping really bugs me. I’m pretty much 100% introvert so I don’t deal with these kind of problems very often but she’s much more social and it makes me afraid of losing her.

    Do you have any advice for me?

    • Hey Alex, thanks for writing.

      As I mentioned in one of the other responses, school and other similar close-knit social networks are particularly trying when dealing with outsiders in a relationship. With the age that these guys hitting on her are, a lot of them will still be learning how to act around women themselves.

      If someone does actually step over the mark like the example you gave, then obviously you will want to intervene. As for the other guys, you want to help your girlfriend to be more assertive as you suggest and also accept yourself that guys at that age will act in a certain way and that they are no more likely to ‘steal’ your girlfriend either way.

      Talking to your girlfriend about dealing with these situations and becoming more assertive is actually a good idea and you are on the right lines with your approach. I would suggest rephrasing some of your words so it is more you leading her towards the correct attitude she could employ rather than telling her what to do. She will feel a lot more encouraged when it is done in this way. This is especially true as you hint that her father is controlling and abusive sometimes, which will have played a large part in where a meek side to her character might have come from.

      Facebook messages and comments are something that are so easy to misinterpret or read too much into, and it’s worth remembering that any messages lack the reality that there meaning might suggest.

      Once again, if someone is really stepping over the mark (and this should be more from your girlfriend’s point of view than your own) then you can tell them. Otherwise, you’re best completely ignoring the messages yourself once you know that your girlfriend can notice the difference between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. My girlfriend gets lots of similar comments about her looks etc on Facebook from other guys and the best way is to just laugh it off, knowing that whilst it might validate your girlfriend, it doesn’t affect your relationship.

      It seems that you are pretty clued up with how to act in situations and understanding things like aggression already. Finding the balance between being authoritative and respected whilst not necessarily needing to show aggression is something that you will perfect the more you have to deal with people.

      You also sound like you handle situations where you get hit on perfectly and whilst it will benefit your girlfriend if you help her adopt some of those attributes, it is always going to be more intense and more frequent that a female will have to deal with those situations; it’s just the way modern society is!

      All the best,

      Sam

  35. Jarvis says:

    I Need Alot Of Advice … Me And My Girlfreind Have Been Dating For 9 Mouths.. We Are In Love With Each Other.. We Are Taken A Break Now Because She Said I Dont Trust Her.. And I Just Dont Know How She Really Beautiful And Alot Dudes Talk Her.. And I Dont Know What Thier TAaalking About.. Who She Is Texting About.. And If She Cheating,, Like She Says She Doesnt Cheat.. And IF She Did Not Want Be With Me She Would Let Me Know.. ut Idk She Liked 3 Other Dudes Since We Been Dating.. But She Said She Just Thought They Where Cute.. But How Do I Know If Thier Not Talking.. IF She Be On The Phone WIth Them For Hours.. They Tell Me That You Have Her Nothing To Worry About.. I Just Dont Want Be Played Or Cheated On. And I Want Trust Her.. But I Just Dont Know She Said She HAs Alot Boy As Freinds But How Do I Know What THier Talking About.. How I Know THier.. Not TAlking About Hooking Up.. Meeting Places.. I Just Need Your Advice..

    • Hello Jarvis,

      Trust is a tricky concept to work with because our minds are very good at making irrational or unjustified scenarios seem very real.

      Learning to trust someone comes down to learning to disassociate your mind from hypothetical situations where you know you will have consequential negative emotions and anxieties. This doesn’t just apply to your romantic relationships (from the way you describe your girlfriend briefly, she sounds very trustworthy and honest) but learning this skill in general.

      I’m actually currently planning a new article on the very topic of trust in a relationship, so if you subscribe to updates from Sparklife.info, you will automatically receive an e-mail when I have finished writing it. :)

      In the meantime, you can show your girlfriend that you trust her by refraining from accusing, questioning or interrogating her about any of the things you have mentioned, and work on realising that other guys are only a threat if you self-sabotage your own image!

      I hope things work out with your girlfriend,

      Sam

  36. Curtis Miles says:

    Hey there, finally decided im brave enough to ask my question! A year ago me and my ex gf broke up, we were together for nearly 2 years, and i found that in that time i would be extremely jealous. I am not a controlling type, im very sensative and compassionate as a person, so i found all that happened was i became upset and depressed, had difficulty sleeping etc for a long time. I used to worry about who she was talking to, where she was, who she was with and was always frightened she would leave me.

    Anyway we broke up eventually and i have had a year of single life, where i rebuilt myself and felt confident again and happy with everything. I dated a few girls, nothing serious and reli boosted my confidence. Then a few months ago i met my new lady! She is perfect in every way and even though i didnt expect it iv fallen in love. We are serious about eachother and she is very caring and understanding. However, iv noticed some of these old jealous sort of feelings have started to come back. But i am finding i can cope with it better now, am less irrational and im learning to feel ok with it, she lets me talk to her about this and she helps me. I can put the feelings into words now and talk about it sensibly, whereas i used to be unable to describe the feeling of despair.

    I have found now, i trust her completely, shes so wonderful and i dont mind who shes texting, she even has mainly boy friends and sees them a lot, and im fine with it!! The one thing im having issues with still, wich i want to get over more than anything in the world, is i cant stand the concept of other guys LIKING her. A few of her male friends have confessed to being in love with her etc. in the past, and im wary of these guys intentions. I just want to understand WHY it bothers me so much, when i know im not going to lose her to them? I just hate the idea of another man looking at her in the way that i do and it hurts me a lot inside. Once im over this hurdle i feel i can be my happy, funny self all the time and be the man iv always wanted to be. But please can you try to explian to me why i could feel this way? Im open to the concept of counselling or whatever it will take. Thanks sooooo much in advance.

    • Hi Curtis, thanks for writing.

      That’s great that you’ve found someone you work so well with and that you’ve learnt to trust her completely. Having a partner who is willing to discuss feelings is great when it is done with mutual understanding.

      I completely understand how you feel about other guys ‘liking’ your girlfriend, perhaps as if they are disrespecting your relationship or devaluing it in some way. It’s an instinctual relationship trait in men to be the ‘protector’ of loved ones and the feelings partly stem from that.

      In modern society, another male showing interest in your girlfriend is not a big deal, nor is it a factor in her faithfulness directly. The way to condition yourself to this sort of indifferent, self-assured attitude is to reframe how you perceive these other guys.

      Instead of thinking of them as disrespectful, threatening or a cause for jealousy, frame it as a reason for you to be proud of your girlfriend and relationship, and although not in an arrogant way, that you are enviable.

      Although when confronted with external infatuation it is easy to relate their feelings to that of your own, this is an illusion created both by you and by these male instigators. Any serious case of infatuation is almost always a result of a lack of abundance in that person’s love life, which actually makes it impossible to share the components of true love.

      So whilst there are both psychological and emotional reasons why we would dislike attention towards our girlfriends from other guys, it is convincing yourself without doubt that they are not a threat that will make you completely at ease. Then you can concentrate on continuing to keep your relationship fulfilling so it becomes even less of an issue.

      It is also worth noting that although it may seem like the feelings of these other guys are vindictive, they rarely are. Because of this, a useful way I find to overcome the situation is to force myself to treat them like I would if I wasn’t aware of their infatuation at all. Befriending someone in this situation for example sends the right messages to both them and yourself about the underlying assumptions on everyone’s relationship status.

      Take care and feel free to write again anytime,

      Sam

  37. Jay says:

    Hey man. Im back with my girlfriend after a 4 month break and stuff happened whilst we was apart wich i have been told about but I cnt get the nasty images out my head got any advice man cause it drives me crazy

    • Hi Jay,

      I understand how the images you’re mustering up won’t be pleasant ones but here are a few things to think about.

      The situation isn’t too dissimilar to thinking about a girlfriend’s ex-boyfriends or past sexual history; I imagine you are magnifying the situation because it was such a short and specific time-frame; one where you could have been together.

      As I’m sure you know, mentioning this time-period or letting it affect your relationship in any way (such as during any arguments for example) is only going to have negative results so the first thing is to not let it become a discussion topic unless you think you will handle it calmly.

      As for actually getting the images out of your mind, there really is no other advice other than to understand that there is nothing wrong, worth comparing, or vindictive about the time you were apart. Then spend time actively taking your mind off of those thoughts and engaging in activities that are unique to your relationship.

      Good luck,

      Sam

  38. Curtis Miles says:

    Thanks so much Sam, what you have said makes perfect sense to me, and even though it is hard sometimes i shall do everything i can to remmeber what youv told me and use it. I think this page is a fantastic idea, and i think that you are a very kind person for taking the time to reassure people like myself. Its too hard to find much help on this kind of subject and its nice to find someone whos genuinely clued up on it and understands. So thanks once again for your response and all the best to you, keep up the good work!

    • You’re very welcome; I’m glad you find my advice helpful and good luck applying it. :)

      I have just received your e-mail with further questions and I shall reply to that shortly.

      Sam

  39. Drew Lyons says:

    Hello Samuel,

    I am currently dating a girl who has an amazing figure and we are going on eight months. We just recently lost our virginity to each other and are madly in love. She is a very conservative dresser by nature but since I have met with her I have bought her some sexy outfits.

    We are both excited to don our new duds and hit the town next Sat night in Toronto. The only problem is I have never been in a fight and do not know how to deal with assholes that cause confrontation over an attractive girl.

    I know this may seem far fetched, but oddly enough I have found my self in these situatuins with girls (just friends) when I was younger, and shamefully done nothing. I do not want to make the mistake of passiveness again. I would take martial arts, but I don’t have or want a criminal record. I want to be prepared to defend my girl, but don’t know how far to take it

    advice?

    Cheers,
    Drew

    • Hey Drew,

      I understand your concerns and wanting to defend your girlfriend when necessary. Both complete passiveness and physical fights are the two extremes of these situations though and are generally never the best solution.

      It is very rare that you would actually need to resort to physical violence over anything, especially protecting your girlfriend from random men; in fact, I would go as far to say that physical aggression can ALWAYS be avoided with a calm demeanour.

      So having said all that, you want to find a healthy balance between the two attitudes of being passive and being aggressive, as I mentioned in the main article. This means taking control of the situation yourself if anything arises, in a calm and friendly way and if anything escalates beyond that then I would suggest that removing you and your girlfriend from the situation completely would be the best idea.

      Have fun on your night out and remember that if you don’t worry about a situation and don’t accept anyone’s attempts to rile you or your girlfriend then nothing will be a real issue.

      Sam

  40. Rey says:

    Hello Sam!

    I don’t really have any problems with her, our relationship is stable and very much happy. I know her very well, and vise versa. We see each other every weekend and we have future plans to live together and thus see each other daily. The relationship stands intact because our unique team work that maintains us together every single day, we dearly love ourselves very much and we are crazy about each other. But, there’s something I’ve some concerns. We live far away (Around 150 miles away), I can’t be there to make any guy’s mind clear that she’s mine, and that we’re a very loving couple (In the most gentle manner possible). She doesn’t go out much, and when that happens it’s to buy something with her sister, or taking a walk alone, but that is usually with me on the phone. On her job there are guys that work around the area and she has told me that one of them was hitting on her. I once asked her what would she do if girls around me hit on me or try to get my attention? She stated: “I would laugh”, and when I asked her; “why?”, she said; “Because it will never have any effect on you”. I smiled and clearly whispered “I love you”. I now think the same way, but, my mind is kind of a hard rock and I still want to make those guys clear of who I am and what we are. Don’t think me wrong, I do trust her deeply, and I know no one will ever draw her away from me, I am very sure and purely confident about that. But for some unknown reason (To me) I still feel like I should let those guys know. Any ideas will be very much appreciated.

    Thanks, Rey.

    • Hello Rey,

      The way you’ve described your relationship sounds great and it sounds like you have a really solid, happy relationship.

      The way your girlfriend says she would handle other girls hitting on you is the perfect attitude, and one worth replicating. Fully trusting that you could handle the situation yourself and being self-assured enough in the relationship that you wouldn’t run off unannounced with anyone else is an extremely healthy and positive attitude to have.

      Having said that, it’s fair to say that men hit on women with far more vigour and frequency than vice versa, so there might need to be a slightly more active part from you when the situation is reversed.

      Although it’s impossible for me to fully know your girlfriend’s personality from what you have written, I imagine that she knows how to make other guys aware that she is in a relationship herself. The fact that she consciously knows when a particular guy is hitting on her infers that.

      There’s no problem in finding out for sure by asking her how she handles those situations and how she lets people know that she is in a relationship, but going out of your way to let other guys know a woman is taken is not really going to achieve anything more than her own doing.

      Even if she isn’t particularly forward at revealing her relationship status, feeling the need to make sure every guy knows you are a happy couple will come off as insecure. You obviously are secure in your relationship from the way you have described it, so the simple advice is to follow through with the trust you have for your girlfriend and try not to concern yourself with what other guys might be thinking.

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  41. Jones in Washington says:

    Sam,
    I fell in love with a girl who lied to me and cheated on me, and it really hurt me for a long long time. It affected my confidence and image of myself. She begged for me back but I said no because i didnt want the stress of dealing w/ trust w/ her. I wanted someone more trustworthy i suppose, and to start a new. Ive been dating other girls, and for the most part, things have been alright-but i am very aware of the insecurity and feelings of jealously that arise within myself.
    So-moving forward-I am now dating a very attractive girl, who is flirty, a bartender, and basically has guys trying to get in her pants all the time. She has also been one of my best friends for the last 3 years so i know alot about her. I know she enjoys the attention, and is not a very confrontational girl-meaning even if she didnt enjoy some guys flirting w/ her she would not say anything to them. When we were just friends I would watch how she acted w/ her bf and sometimes think, “if i were her bf id feel uncomfortable with that…” and now i am her bf-feeling uncomfortable. Example-i knew she had feelings for this guy while with her other bf and she intentionally tried to be around him(rationalizing a reason) and hang out with him-never cheating physically though. Also, since weve defined ourselves as monogamous, she had one guy, who she just had a sexual relationship w, over to her house to watch a movie with just them 2. i know she didnt physically cheat on me, but this, and knowing those things from her old relationship, made me feel really uncomfortable, thus, insecure, negative, and jealous. Its more about her not respecting how that might make me feel than fearing her actually hooking up w/ him bc I know 100% that she really really likes only me. I think maybe she just likes the attention bc it makes her feel good or something…but i could be wrong. shes socially more liberal than i am.
    I am often filled w/ insecurity about how shes playing w/ other guys intentions, although i know she doesnt want to be w anyone else-at least now. I dont want to change her socially at all, and wish she would think about how certain things would lead other guys on(but maybe she does know and isnt so naive) and how that makes me feel.
    my own personal opinion is that you really shouldnt date someone u dont entirely trust, so taking my own advice, i should break up w/ her. but bc weve been so close for soo long, im really trying to make this work w/ us, and within myself. How should i go about dealing with insecurity and lack of confidence in her actions and myself? sometimes, i dont feel its worth it, but my feelings for her skew my rationale.

    • Hi,

      It’s understandable that you may feel cautious about your girlfriend’s behaviour, especially having been cheated on in the past. It was great that you were so assertive with how you ultimately dealt with that last relationship but in practical terms, what happened in that relationship is independent from this one. This also refers to your girlfriend and her previous relationship too.

      Having said that, there is most likely something in how you are conveying your standards alongside the whole issue of respecting each other’s feelings.

      Your girlfriend undoubtedly will like the attention from other men and probably does feel in control with most of these situations you describe. Either way, you don’t want to change her character too much for fear of hypothetical scenarios.

      Whilst jealousy and related insecurities are something that can only be dealt with individually through various personal development techniques, being uncomfortable with a specific scenario is something acutely different and that is something you should talk to your girlfriend about.

      As you say, you are unlikely to come to any decision by making a logical analysis of all these factors but you do want to decide if any issues of trust are warranted or simply a fear of being cheated on.

      Speak to your girlfriend about the potentially trivial things that are noticeable inconsiderate to your feelings (such as her having guys over to watch movies for example), so you can get reassurance about those. For all the other circumstances, try to focus on and heighten the positive aspects of your relationship that are void of any of these insecurities, and work on trusting your girlfriend (assuming there are no legitimate concerns with her fidelity) separately.

      All the best,

      Sam

  42. phill says:

    Ok so theres this guy who used to be my freind and he started hitting on my girlfieind all the time. he is always smiling around her and trying to sit next to her. i already told her what i think but i haddled it terribly geting jealose, she told me that she likes him as a freind and that he dosent like her but its pretty obvious. she just told me that he texts her and tells her things about me that are untrue, and we got into a big fight about it
    what should i do about it now?

    • Hi Phill,

      As of now, your girlfriend says she likes this other guy only as a friend and that is probably true. Having said that, the more you bring up the subject with your girlfriend and show signs of jealousy, anger and a lack of control, the more your value as a boyfriend drops, and his value as a possible suitor increases.

      Whether he is intentionally trying to create that outcome or not, it doesn’t affect your relationship as long as you concentrate on the positive aspects of your relationship and being the best boyfriend you can possibly be. There are several articles on this website that deal with this particular attitude, if you browse the archives.

      You mention that this guy used to be your friend; did you fall out because of him appearing to hit on your girlfriend? As I’ve mentioned before, showing signs of contempt or hostility towards someone in this situation is only going to make them not care if they do try anything with your girlfriend.

      If he really is saying things about you that are untrue and your girlfriend acknowledges this, then it only highlights his insecurities and lack of self-confidence in the situation, in which case as long as you keep things positive between you and your girlfriend, you will always have the upper hand!

      Take care,

      Sam

  43. Jadore says:

    Hello Sam,

    I’ll start by saying i’m a pretty laid back guy, never got into a fight because I never had too. My girlfriend of 3 years is very pretty and very sexy and I have to deal with assholes in bars or even walking down the street making comments. most of the time I take it as a complement but lately they have been disrespectful. Usually this is coming from guys in packs whore are drunk and looking to fight so we just end up ignoring it as she doesnt want me to get into any confrontations. It has never gone as far as someone touching her but the verbal comments are starting to bother me. Lately I feel like if I dont deal with the situation its going to seem like I dont care about her but I also dont want to put us in a situation one day that can get her hurt. (getting jumped is not a problem, it would be her not listening to me and trying to help and getting hit that would hurt more.)
    thank you.

    • Hi,

      It seems like the way you’ve dealt with these situations in the past has worked well. When dealing with groups of drunken, rowdy guys who are obviously not out to make friends then ignoring them and walking away is often the best option.

      A part of it does come down to how you perceive and react to these guys in the first place though. Referring to them as “assholes” or anything similar gives the impression that before they’ve even said anything, you have already framed them as negative, threatening and adversary.

      It’s extremely rare, even for drunk, rowdy guys to get confrontational with someone who isn’t reacting [negatively] to their actions.

      If you ever play team sports it’s a similar thing. If you treat the opposition as friends rather than opponents you actually get treated far more fairly and respectfully than if you try to size up mentally or physically to anyone.

      You say you’re a laid back guy and that is the kind of attitude that will avoid any of these situations escalating too far or getting violent. In the worst case scenario you can always ignore and leave with your girlfriend like you originally suggested.

      You could even discuss with your girlfriend having a clear way to communicate with each other if one of you isn’t comfortable in a certain situation, making it easier to decide when to befriend or when to politely leave.

      All the best,

      Sam

  44. John Johnsson says:

    Hi, My GF gets lots of hits by guys, normaly I dont get jeallous, but I was drunk I got really mad about this guy aproaching her in a private party and told her, and we got into a fight (me and my gf this was 5 days ago). ok I fucked up.

    I know but since that day I think she is kindly avoiding me., maybe I am over reacting,,, but..
    how do you suggest I behaive?

    • Hi John,

      Yes, alcohol can often be the bane of these types of situations as it reduces our logical reflexes and increase our subconscious mind. The only advice I can offer there is to know your limits and how it affects your decisions in the future when you are with your girlfriend.

      If your girlfriend is still being slightly off since that event, be careful that your reactions to her change in behaviour don’t prolong those feelings. The best thing you can do to forgive and move onwards is to call yourself on your behaviour but be sympathetic towards hers. In a respectful and confident manner, apologise for what happened. This is not in any way supplicating; it is simply stating that you are aware your actions might have been out of line due to the alcohol. After that, drop the subject completely and concentrate on getting her in a positive, happy state again when you are next with her.

      It will usually take seeing how you handle similar situations in the future for her to totally forget about it but make sure it doesn’t allow any resentment to fester in the meantime.

      All the best,

      Sam

  45. Rob says:

    You’re awesome! I feel the need to say that your that needle in the haystack. A lot, if not all, advice I completely agree with. Once again, thank you!

    - Rob

    • Hi Rob,

      Thanks a lot for your kind words. Hopefully everyone who gets something out of what I write will spread the word and more people be able will find this website in the future. Your support is very much appreciated. :)

      Sam

  46. Jake says:

    Hey Sam,

    Last night my girlfriend was at a party. I was at a friends house just hanging out. Later that night she had called me and told me there was this guy at the party that was being very nice with her and just talking to her. A hour passes and he starts acting different. He asks for her phone number and says they should hang out. She politely says they can be friends but she has a boyfriend. The guy continues to act upon his goal of getting with my girl and says things like you should be with me instead of your boyfriend and things like that. My heart sunk and I don’t know what to think. I trust her, I just am worried she is telling me she didn’t give him her number when she might have. She also didn’t want me to send him a message over facebook about the situation. I was just going to tell him that it was very disrespectful to continue to pursue my girl when she said no, and even walked away from him. What should I do?

    • Hi Jake,

      If it remains just that one night at the party where this guy was hitting on your girlfriend, I would consider letting it blow over. In the heightened state of a party (especially if alcohol is involved), a man’s libido can overpower his moral compass so to speak.

      More may need to be said if this guy does start pursuing or harassing your girlfriend further but you can encourage your girlfriend to continue to be open and honest about any communication or interactions by showing her that you won’t overreact at any point.

      For me, unless I am introduced and given a chance to understand or befriend these guys myself, I generally find it best to let my girlfriend deal with them in her own way (it seems your girlfriend is also attempting to do this by clearly stating she has a boyfriend). I will only get properly involved if she is becoming particularly unnerved by the situation.

      Regardless of your girlfriend’s wishes, sending him a message on Facebook is unlikely to achieve much anyway. If it was just a futile ‘in the moment’ attempt to get a woman by this guy then a message from you is unnecessary and perhaps even fuelling something that is no longer there.

      If, on the other hand, he does want to pursue your girlfriend, he has already shown that he doesn’t have any respect for your relationship and in that case, messaging him would communicate to him that he is getting to you.

      The competing mentality of a guy like this actually hinders his chance of winning your girlfriend over, assuming you continue to be a great boyfriend, so whilst there continues to be nothing too sinister going on, show support and trust for your girlfriend and don’t give any more attention to this guy than he deserves.

      Let me know if anything else does develop and we can discuss more specific advice.

      Sam

  47. chris says:

    Hey, well my girlfriend and i have been going out for about 8 months now, But she is still very close to one of her ex’s. They were together for around 9 months, even though he has a partner too, he still seems to flirt with her. The other day he even told her that he misses her on IM, she’s always talking to him. And even when i’m around them both, they still seem to act like a couple, i mean like for instance, we were at a party the other day, we went back to my mates house, there was about 13 of us. And me my Gf, her ex and his gf are all sitting on the sofa. My gf gets up to get a drink, and immediately the ex gets up, and starts dragging her onto another sofa and tickling her, they are both laughing and they stand up. Then she jumps on his back he they topple over onto the floor and they lay there laughing. But me and the ex’s gf and still sitting on the sofa and give each other weird looks. The thing is aswell that my gf and her ex’s gf are mates. another time we were sitting on a bus me next to her ex and my gf next to his infront of us. now the girls are talking to someone else infront of them, so the ex starts tapping my girlfriend on the head, then she turns round and he interupts their conversation to start talking to her, completely ignoring his own gf and me. should i be worried about this, she says she wouldn’t go back to him, because he left her for another girl twicem and she is woth me now. but they have so much history and are still close.
    thanks, chris.

    • Hey Chris,

      This is indeed a tricky and delicate situation. It is commendable that your girlfriend has no bad feelings with her ex-boyfriend but it is not surprising that they are acting in this way.

      There are usually two contrasting relationships that develop once a couple split up. The first is a distinct emotional disassociation from each other, used as a subconscious ego-protection to justify the relationship ending. The second is what is happening in your case, where they are trying to remain friends and fit social conventions but due to sharing an intimate past, find it hard to shift to a completely platonic relationship.

      Telling your girlfriend about some of the things that make you feel uncomfortable is fine, as long as it is done without accusation, jealousy or anger. The main factor though is asserting yourself as the boyfriend and not letting her ex-boyfriend control group interactions to the extent you describe. Note that I do not mean being confrontational here, I simply mean working on being more inclusive and leading when the four of you are together. The clues will be in how this other guy acts with his actual girlfriend as to what is really going on.

      Even if you do the two things suggested above, you will still have to accept that they are probably going to act more ‘flirty’ with each other than with other friends, simply because of how comfortable they are with each other. As long as you are always in the loop and continue to define your roles of you as her boyfriend and him as her friend, nothing sinister will develop.

      Take care,

      Sam

  48. Tom Speigel says:

    Hey Sam I read your article and it really helped me out, but I could really use your advice! I have known my GF for 5 months been dating her for 3 months and we live long distance, about 6 hours away. We have both have the dream to move to California and we decided end of August we are going to get a place together out there and go for it. We see one another every 2 weeks for a week at a time. We talk on the phone all the time and she texts me all the time but I can’t seem to shake the long distance jealousy problems I have.
    When we first met each other she contacted me like crazy and it was mutual but now that she has become more comfortable with me, while she is out with her friends she doesn’t respond as often. We have had a discussion on it how out of concern I would like to hear from her while she is out just once to let me know she is okay and she agreed. At first it was a bit of a battle because she didn’t feel she had to “report” into me but we worked that out. She also said its just that she is comfortable with me and trusts me and feels she doesn’t have to text or call me as often because we will be living with each other in 8 weeks. My main issue is I go out a lot and of course I meet a lot of attractive women but no matter where I go or what I do I know I will be faithful. My GF goes out with all her girls once in a while to ladies night at a club and sleeps out at her GF’s houses sometimes if she is drank to much and cant drive, which is fine but why do I go crazy thinking all this madness??? This guy named “XYZ” is obsessed with my girl and talks to her best friend like “hook me up with her shes soo hot” and her friend will be like “she has a boyfriend stop” he goes “I don’tt care hook me up.” She gets invited to a lot of parties where there are a lot of guys that still like her and I am 6 hours away!!! I know I am going to be living with her but how can I just relax and not think all this crazy crap?? I know she is a loyal girl who btw is 21 years old but a very mature one, and I know she really cares about me, when we see each other its magic, but knowing she is going to party on a saturday with a guy that likes her who doesnt care that she is dating someone that will still try to hit on her with me being 6 hours away, I can’t help but to almost tell her to not go, but I can’t do that. Please help!!!

  49. Tom Speigel says:

    Hey Sam, I have to also add to my previous post that my GF is under a lot of “pressure.” She is moving out of the house to California with me and she is working full time to save up money. I am currently unemployed with enough money saved but her family recently has been throwing comments at her like “I hope he isnt going to sit home unemployed while you work.” I am learning she is very very easily influenced and takes family advice a little too much recently. We had a serious talk the other night and she agreed to not be as easily influenced and convinced by outside sources and that she is willing to do what it takes to live with me.

    Just wanted to add that, thanks!!

    • Hey Tom,

      It is sometimes hard for guys to relate to the female state on a night out, as men and women generally have differing agendas and emotional states when socialising with friends. Your girlfriend’s sentiments are not only spot on but they also sound very sincere when she states that she doesn’t feel she has to contact you as often because she now feels completely comfortable with you. Previously, whilst still in the attraction/honeymoon phase, texting her new boyfriend aligned with those very states women have on a night out. It is simply the relationship evolving and that is a good thing.

      You can tell your girlfriend that you would appreciate a text at the end of the evening so that you know she had fun and got home safely… but be careful never to demand it, nor get annoyed if she forgets. Pressure for her to text more frequently against her own decision and you are liable to not only continually break her convivial state (which she will anchor directly to you) but at worst, come off as needy whilst she is out having fun.

      The only practical advice I can give when you know she is out with friends is to send a quick, nonchalant yet fun text at the beginning of the night wishing her a fun evening and then do something to completely take your mind off it until you hear from her, so you’re not constantly thinking about what she may or may not be getting up to.

      Everything you’ve said about your relationship points towards there being mutual trust so making a conscious effort to adjust your thoughts whenever the ‘irrational logic’ kicks in is the only short-term solution to this form of jealousy. This also applies to this upcoming party. Make sure your interactions until then are the usual positive and happy ones and believe that there is nothing a random guy can do in one night to affect your relationship. Telling her not to attend or even hinting that you don’t want her to go would be the worst thing you could do. If she has good, close friends with her (even better if they are friends of yours too) then they will look after her I’m sure.

      Whilst the long-distance aspect is only a temporary setup in your case, the basis of the above feelings of jealousy and trust are actually independent from logistics. That is, whilst you are living together, although the feelings may seem diluted as you will feel more in control, they will still exist. Whilst living together, assuming you keep your own social lives to some extent, there will still be times where she is off on her own, so it is worth working on now.

      The parallels between the logistics of your relationship and my own are actually uncanny… The situation of being long-distance, deciding to live together and the influence of her family mirror my experiences with my girlfriend Heidi remarkably well. I have been self-employed for the past few years and Heidi’s family had similar concerns about the stability of my finances. I took it upon myself to write them an informal letter reassuring them of my means of supporting our future as well as briefly talking about my ambitions and goals to ease their natural concern. This went down really well for me so if you think it will work well with your girlfriend’s parents then it is worth considering. Second to that, it is great that you are encouraging your girlfriend to think independently and not be influenced so heavily by other people.

      Thanks for writing and good luck for California!

      Sam

  50. Tom Speigel says:

    Sam your advice is great and very helpful, I really appreciate you taking the time to write back to me. Unfortunately since I wrote to you last a serious event came up with my relationship and I’m gonna have to get your advice again please. Please bare with me its a long post but you need to know all the details to give me your best opinion thanks so much!!

    Basically I woke up yesterday morning and packed my car to head up 6 hours to visit my girlfriend for the week. With all problems we had set a side I thought that would be the end of it, I would travel up have an amazing time and everything would be back to normal. Well before I left my house in the morning I checked my cell bill online like I always do and I noticed I was over my minutes and texting. Normally my bill is always the same and I never check into it but this time I decided to look at the texting and see where I went over. My GF has her phone on my account so I can see the usage on both our phones. I clicked on mine and I saw nothing, then I clicked on hers and she has this number that has been texting her and she has been texting back and forth all day and all night for the past 5 days. (during the period when we where arguing etc) I even noticed she sent picture messages to this number at crazy hours of the night. After really looking over it, I realized the times she was telling me work was “busy” and she was “out” and couldn’t talk to me she was texting this random number A LOT. So being the circumstance that it was I called it and it was a guy who answered and I said “I’m sorry I think you called me who is this? This is XYZ.” Well XYZ is her ex boyfriend….

    I started my drive up and I was an hour into my drive and I said you know what Ill mention the number when I get there no biggy and then I thought to myself….what am I a moron!?? I called her and said “Hey before I drive 5 hours more I was checking the bill and we went over what number is 123-123-1234?? She goes ohh its probably one of my GF’s I said oh yeah you sure?? Who’s XYZ? She went silent….said its my ex. Lets just say I pulled off the road and went insane. You are texting your ex more the past 5 frigin days telling me your busy and your texting him!? You are hiding this and lying to me!? The other night (she works overnights) she told me around 3am she was busy at work call me when she gets home at 7am. I never got a call, she said she was sooo tired she feel right asleep when she got in. BUT the phone bill shows she was texting her ex from 1am-730am CONSTANT sending picture messages at work and texting him but she was to tired to call her actual current bf when she got home lol unreal??

    I basically told her to have a nice life and don’t ever call me again, turned back home, called my service provider and shut her phone off and didn’t answer her calls all day. Finally I answered some weird number that night and it was her. We talked. She was upset and said she was just talking to him because its hard for her to turn people away even if there her ex’s her EX’s sister got into an accident and he really needed someone to talk to, and then we just talked about what ever happened to us and if I still thought of him etc which i do once in a while. OKAY I heard enough…Whats with the pictures I asked? She said he wanted a picture of us together so I sent him some old photos I had of us thats all.

    Everything she ever told me in my mind, I have to question now. Was she out with her girls that night when I didn’t hear from her all night? Did she really not see him or hook up with him when she said she never did? She said she still has her old phone connected on another service because she can’t turn it off until end of July, she says she turns it on from time to time to see who texted her because thats just how she is. So has she been turning it on and talking to guys this entire time we have been dating?? Did she see this ex in person? Sleep with him, kiss him? A million things run through my mind and I question everything she said now. I told her all this and she was just shocked. She told me she feels like a piece of crap and never physically did anything with her ex but she is just confused with the move to Cali and she wants a BF but doesn’t want to always have to check in etc. I told her then you need be single lol. She said I shouldn’t break up with her because she started talking to her ex..she wants to be with me and spend her life with me.

    Long story short, I told her to take a day or two with no contact with each other and evaluate the relationship. I want to be with her but really being 6 hours away unless she jumps through hoops to show me that she is NEVER going to pull crap like that again I can’t trust/be comfortable with her going out while I’m 6 hours away. I said you need to check in with me at least so I know your okay while your out, NOT every hour on the hour but once your settled in. You need to NOT talk to ex’s or guys that you know that I wouldn’t appreciate you talking to and you need to get rid of that old phone. If you want to be with me you are going to have to really show me and pull a 180 and prove it to me, your committing to move with me to California because I need to go either way and pursue my dream with or without you. Take the weekend to think about it and call me to discuss it at the end of the weekend and if you can do that, we can see what we can do but if you have the slightest tiniest feeling that you can’t uphold that then we need to split off. Now I await her call..

    She sent me a photo last night, her 13 year old brother who really likes me took all the things I gave her and piled them on the bed and she took a photo of it and sent it to me saying “can you guess what my brother wants me to do =).” I just can’t take it. My father says I need to be a man and be done with her or he will disown me LOL. I don’t know what to do Sam. Please don’t hold anything back and give me your blunt honest opinion! If she calls and says I can make things work, do I re-list the things I want her to do? Do I end up driving up there this weekend like I was going to?? Let me know what you think thanks a billion!

    -Tom

    • Hi again Tom,

      I know communicating with an ex is typically seen as a cardinal sin but it really shouldn’t be and in fact I always encourage my girlfriends to stay friendly with their ex-boyfriends. Remember that she is no longer with him for a reason… and she is also with you for a reason!

      Getting down to the nitty-gritty of the situation, there are three different reasons why she has been texting her ex-boyfriend:

      1) She is getting emotional stimulus from him that is lacking from her interactions with you (a hint that the relationship is becoming subdued)

      2) There is something going on and she is actively rekindling their past relationship.

      3) She is just being polite. Perhaps the ex-boyfriend has ulterior motives but she is naive to them.

      From what you have said about her reaction, it suggests she is in the last bracket. She probably knew it was potentially damming to be honest with you about texting her ex-boyfriend, which is why she kept it secret.

      Of course, there could be more to it and that will be down to you to understand, weighing up all the variables. The thing to try and control is getting too inside your head. All the “what ifs” and over-analysing will only lead you to resent her, regardless of the reality of the situation.

      The cooling off period probably is a good thing for the two of you and it’s up to you to decide if she deserves the benefit of the doubt. If everything she is saying is true, the issue is in trusting her and not what she has actually done. Either way, you want to have a calm, rational talk, void of any accusations, where you can find out why she felt the need to keep this all secret from you.

      All the best and keep me updated,

      Sam

  51. Bob says:

    Hey there, I need help on what to do on situations where a guy inapporpriatly touches my girlfriend, I was walking with her and a group of guys walk up and just start trying to make conversation with us, after awhile they were going to leave and the tallest one walk over and spanks my girlfriend’s ass and runs off. I was in shock that he did that in the firstplace and that my girlfriend didn’t do anything! I know she loves me alot but I didn’t know how to react! It all happend so fast, I wanted to punch him in the face but there were 3 of them and I know I would lose and that it would be wrong, afterwards she knows that I am very pissed and she tells me to just forget it happend and be happy, but I’m not. I don’t want this to happen again, but I don’t know how to handle the situation. Please help and tell me what I should do.

    • Hey Bob,

      There are obviously varying degrees of how other guys can ‘touch’ your girlfriend. A guy spanking your girlfriend like that leans more towards playful and innocent rather than grossly inappropriate.

      What really matters is how your girlfriend feels about it. A man should be able to protect his woman when SHE feels threatened or uncomfortable… Any other time and it is merely a form of instinctual jealousy under one of many guises.

      So to answer your question, I would say your girlfriend has the right attitude in just laughing it off and forgetting about it. You should only step in and calmly and confidently say something to another guy if he is constantly doing things that verge on sexual harassment.

      Take care,

      Sam

  52. Tom Speigel says:

    Hey Sam,

    Tom here again. I just want to say your advice has been awesome. Honestly to take the time to help out us guys out with our relationship problems is a really great thing your doing, and I just wanted to say thank you once again.

    Last I told you about my girlfriend situation was I caught her talking to her ex boyfriend by a phone bill I received and she lied told me it was one of her GF’s and everything went hay wire. We had a huge blowout back and forth for days, I didn’t answer my phone for 3 days, it just went on and on and I really thought it was over, until today. I read everything you wrote last time about the brackets how you feel “She is just being polite. Perhaps the ex-boyfriend has ulterior motives but she is naive to them.” and I believe that to be true.

    We finally talked things out and agreed to meet half way with how we feel and forget all the hurtful things we said to one another, and put them in the past. I am officially moving as of August 19th with or with out her. She said she wants to be with me, and she would want me to go out and get things together and set up so it will allow her to save more money, prepare, and then come out to live with me. We are planning a weekend for me to go and see her before I leave (remember we live long distance) to talk about everything and make good of everything we just went through.

    My final thoughts are am I making a mistake? She out right lied to me about talking to her ex which would leave me thinking what else could she of lied about? I do still trust her and don’t think she did anymore then “talk” to him, despite the fact she sent him “non nude photos” and told she was sleeping when she was talking to her ex..that is hard to forgive still. But say I do stay with her and move out across country and set things up, whats to say she isn’t going to lie about being out somewhere when she is really seeing her ex or far worse? I really care about her and I don’t feel she has done anything to just banish her from my existence, but I know question things that she tells me..

    how do you feel about this situation? I am making a bad move? I am unsure what to do could use your help again, thanks a lot Sam!

    Thanks a billion,

    Tom Spiegel

    • Hi Tom,

      That’s great that you’ve decided to move and not let any side-issues affect your decision.

      If your girlfriend is moving with you, I personally would recommend thinking of the move as a trial in your mind anyway. I wouldn’t specifically tell her that it’s a trial but it’s usually when a couple drop everything and financially decide to live together quickly and long-term that the pressure of the situation can surface.

      The weekend together to spend time with each other and discuss everything sounds like a great idea. Lying in a relationship (something I have written about previously here) is something that the two of you will want to come to a mutual understanding on… Specifically, knowing what sorts of things are acceptable and not acceptable to each of you and how you feel when it seems like you are being lied to.

      The most important point though is to make sure that if you decide to forgive and forget the whole business of her talking to her ex secretly, that you genuinely do put it behind you! This means never bringing it up in future arguments or using it as an example for her trustworthiness. In the aftermath, she will already have a better understanding of how you feel about being lied to. She will therefore automatically act differently if something similar were to happen in the future. How she acts differently will be determined by what she learns about how you feel about lying and how you react to it from now on.

      Good luck,

      Sam

  53. Francis says:

    Hey Sam,

    First of all, thanks for all the great advice! My girlfriend and I are one hour away from each other. She works in an amusement park where she’s the manager of a department. She is constantly getting hit on by these random guys that work under her. She tells me about them and i have absolute trust in her. But i can’t help but to feel jealous or uncomfortable and act a little distant when she talks about them with me because i get angry at them (though i never show her any attitude or anger towards her). I just started work and she’s REALLY busy with work where she has to call people to work the next day at home now. We have been talking less this week and i am afraid this may become a routine where we only send a couple of txt to each other and that’s it. I can’t help but to feel a tug in my heart about her not feeling as happy about our relationship. What should i do? I am afraid i m just thinking too much into this and may eventually start ot think stupid like she’s cheating on me. Please help!

    • Hi Francis,

      There will always be times in a relationship where other aspects of life can seem to take priority. The main thing is that however busy you are, you try and schedule times where you can spend quality time together, however often and lengthy that may be. It will be something for both of you to look forward to and focus on rather than the routine of everyday life.

      I wouldn’t worry too much about the guys working with her, especially if she tells you about what goes on. They are work colleagues and not of particularly high value to her so don’t feel you have to talk about them at length with her. Prevent any negative thoughts from creeping up on you and concentrate on what you can do to support her… Chances are that being that busy at work will be stressful for her, so it’s a perfect opportunity for you to be her happy relief from work pressures!

      I hope it works out well for you,

      Sam

  54. Jim Vandalay says:

    This was great, it solved a lot of my problems thanks a lot. You should be glad you went through a lot of stuff so your stronger and now help a lot of other guys thanks a lot bud

    • Hey Jim,

      Thanks for the kudos; I’m glad you found the article useful!

      It’s great when constructive advice is taken on board, whoever it is from and I am still constantly learning myself. Although it usually takes consistent positive experiences to really cement new beliefs and attitudes, understanding and believing that there are coping mechanisms and positive outcomes for every conceivable situation in a relationship is the vital first step.

      Thanks a lot for your comment, :)

      Sam

  55. Tom Spiegel says:

    Hey Sam,

    I know what your thinking oh boy its Tom again haha, but seriously once again I really appreciate you answering myself and everyone that writes in and helping us guys out. This should be the last question for a while from me and then I’ll give you a little break until next time haha.

    Previously as I told you the big move is coming in 5 weeks and I was dealing with finding that my GF was talking to her ex, lying, going out all night without calling etc. The past week has been hell because everything she originally told me to defend her story, has been slightly changing in details, almost as if she thinks I wouldn’t remember what she originally told me lol. The ignoring me several nights telling me she was sleeping and sending “non nude” photos to her ex went from they were just photos of him and her together to “even if they were nude its nothing he hasnt seen before” right so that makes it okay..lol. We had a huge talked agreed to see how things went the next few weeks. Well a few day went by and just yesterday she wrote me this whole email on how she is so excited for me moving and wishes me luck etc. she said she was getting a new phone number and she would email it to me later that night so we can talk. Now that night rolled around and I get this email saying how she isnt going to give me her number because she couldn’t talk tonight anyway, she hasnt liked how iv been treating her??, I promised her we would get together and now Im not (she was suppose to tell me what weekend shes free and didnt) and she is going to spend time with this “friend” tonight and sleep over because she knows he will be there for her, I will always love you Tom, we can talk when YOU have time.” Now I haven’t heard from her for a few days, iv written back like just lost, like so am I going to get your number lol etc? and got no response.

    The relationship is over thats obvious. Whats hard is I don’t know how to just let it go. I changed my number, blocked her emails, blocked her off facebook but I have never in my life and Im 25 have yet encountered someone who would lie and cheat and try to turn it on me like I did something wrong. She lied about talking to her ex, lied about seeing him in person which I found out she did, she swore she was never a girl to send photos or hook up with random people or drink a lot. Everything she said is coming out to be a big lie. I didn’t think people like this existed. Even if i wrote a ten page response on everything she did wrong she would still think its my fault or its something I did..

    I am just looking for some closure on this, and what you think of everything, it would be greatly appreciated. I need to just move on and start my new life in 5 weeks thanks sam!

    Even if she does find a way to contact me, I am probably better off just never responding right? Erase it let it go?

    Thanks,

    -Tom

    • Hey Tom,

      Ha, no worries about writing again… If I am helping in any way then I am pleased… and at this rate I can always turn this page into a novel and make my millions that way! :)

      I’m sorry to hear that things have come to this undesirable climax and that it is proving that your girlfriend may have been more deceitful than first thought. I still find that drawing conclusions from assumptions is going to torment you rather than provide closure. Either way, your girlfriend is either confused, playing games or stringing you along. It could be a result of the long-distance issue but it sounds like you’ve decided what you want to do now either way.

      If you do decide that nothing more is going to continue between the two of you then you have the choice to either completely ignore her, or to be polite towards her but not actively friends. Whichever you decide, the key to moving on is not letting her have an emotional hold over you, especially if she tries to contact you. I personally find that being polite yet decisive and in control is a far healthier attitude to have with ex-girlfriends rather than being ‘enemies’. It may take some time to develop that sort of attitude though, especially with the way she has been acting recently.

      Your big move is coming at an ideal time as it will be the perfect opportunity to move on and meet new people. I wish you the best of luck! :)

      Sam

  56. Nick says:

    Hey, great site I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years i work away mon-thurs and she lives with her parents, I find when im away she’s always out with friends and guys that she says are friends but leave her messages that are really flirt, if I ask her “who’s that” she always says its a girlfriend if I then check her phone when she leaves the room its always a lad. One night she said she was at her friends I tried to get hold of her for over 2 hours with no response, I called her friend and she said she was in the bathroom, I said id wait and she said she didnt know how long she would be.. So i hung up and immediately called her friend back to find the phone engaged, i then rang my girlfriend and her phone was also engaged, her mum rang her and she answered so I can only asume she wasnt at her friends house. It’s really starting to get to me recently any advice? she says shes so in love with me but this is really upsetting me.

    • Hey Nick,

      Everyone’s relationship setup is slightly different and the fact you are away for a good portion of the week is undoubtedly going to stir up a whole host of emotions such as missing each other. You have to work with what you’ve got though. Obviously whilst you are away she is going to continue enjoying her social life and whilst it might seem like you are being left out, the scenarios you’re creating in your mind are doing more harm than good.

      As you’re away for over half a week at a time, you want to make an extra effort during the remaining days together to ensure they are happy and enjoyable.

      Whilst you are away, trust for your girlfriend is imperative (and if she says she is “so in love with you” I’m sure there is nothing going on behind your back), so try to resist suspecting unknowns or accusing her or anything, which a lot of the phone calls and other behaviour hint at.

      It sounds like you have a good relationship (together for three years is some feat) so try not to let emotions influence logic, although do speak to your girlfriend if the relationship setup is causing more strain for either of you than suggested.

      The latest article on this website might answer some of your questions in more depth, if you have time to check it out, and it can be found here. :)

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  57. josh says:

    hey Sam,

    me and my gf have been going out for about a year now, and for the past few months theres this guy at school who hits on her every day, the thing is, she doesn’t realise that-or doesnt admit it, and so she continues talking with him. recently, she talks about him more and more, i talked to her about it and she got angry at me saying were just friends, but she’ll stop talking to him. ever since everyone in their classes confirm that he continually hits on her, but i trusted her and let it slide. but one day i walked past their class, and he was staring at her, constantly. i just feel so uncomfortable that shes getting close to somone that likes her like this. what should i do?

    • Hey Josh,

      In a school setting, your girlfriend is likely to be very conscious of not making enemies, but there is also a chance that she is naive towards what you and your friends consider ‘flirting’. The school setting also makes it tricky to ‘avoid’ the problem as your girlfriend can’t choose who is in her class, so you do have to tread carefully with regards to what you insinuate around her.

      In this case, it might be worth saying something to your girlfriend about how uncomfortable this guy’s advances make you but a lot of the effectiveness will be in HOW you say it. A passing, non-threatening and non-jealous comment that his staring is a bit creepy or forward to see how she reacts is a lot better than accusing her of doing anything, or even innocently being on the receiving end or anything.

      Before saying anything though, make sure you aren’t reading too much into the whole situation, as once we’ve got our mind focused on one particular person fancying our girlfriend, it’s easy to notice and frame everything they do as an attempt to hit on her.

      As mentioned in previous comments, the overriding best course of action is to try and put your instinctual feelings aside and not give your girlfriend a reason to go off with anyone else by continuing to be the best option available (not by directly competing with anyone else but by doing the things that make you a great boyfriend, as discussed in other articles on this website).

      Things with this particular guy will blow over if you do the above whilst preventing yourself from fuelling any fires, so to speak.

      Take it easy,

      Sam

  58. Anonymous says:

    Hey, women are naturally programmed to flirt and cheat with other men, even in their 30′s and beyond because that’s when they are still young and attractive. So don’t slap them around for it or some other guy who’s trying to steal her away. You’ll be charged with assault. Know how to deal with it.

    • Hi,

      Whilst in some cases it may seem that women are “naturally programmed to flirt and cheat with other men”, a more accurate analysis would be ‘women have biological urges to find a man of high value to them’.

      What this means is that if a woman is not completely satisfied in a relationship (and in a lot of cases this subconscious satisfaction relates to how suitable a man is to produce and raise a family in the long run), then she will be far more tempted by ‘better options’.

      Obviously there is a lot more to it than this and this discussion is by no means limited to just women either! I agree that whatever the scenario, being reactive is never the best option.

      Thanks for the discussion and I hope you have time to check out some of the other articles I’ve written that discuss this particular topic in greater depth,

      Sam

  59. Trev says:

    Dear Sam,

    I am an 18 year old senior and I have a girlfriend who is almost 19 and goes to school in California. We have been dating for about 7 months however she cheated on me for about 3 of those months with an older guy(25). It is really hard to see her leave and go away to college seeing how she is very beautiful and attracts the attention of guys. She is really a great girl, good grades , very religious and takes things to heart. However at times I feel she is insecure about her relationships with guys, maybe that is why she cheated on me. At times I find myself always looking at her facebook and questioning her which makes her upset. What do I do? It is really frustrating. I do love her so much that my mindset when it comes to girls is, there is no one else. I have talked to my girlfriends friends in college and they say she is crazy about me and says I am perfect. There are just some trust issues I guess I have to deal with until I try to move to California after I graduate high school. She attracts all the guys at her small college and it really makes me nervous.
    Thanks,
    T-rev

    • Hey Trev,

      It’s natural to have that feeling of concern if you’re dating an attractive girl who is away at college. I was in a similar situation a few years back, as mentioned in the beginning of the main article.

      The first thing to make sure of is that the variables that led to her cheating originally as well as any resulting trust issues are fully sorted out and the relationship is now as good as it can be. I’ve written about those topics in detail (some of which can be found on the ‘Best of’ page) and it is imperative that those convictions are fully left in the past.

      I’m sure your girlfriend’s friends are being sincere when they explain how fond of you she is. Having said that, it doesn’t take much to undo all those positive associations by becoming needy, jealous or suspicious, so remember to keep doing the things that make you good together and try not to let the new circumstances change the relationship too much.

      From my own experience, I found that I did have to make a conscious effort to give my girlfriend more freedom so she actually enjoyed college and never resented having a boyfriend back home. The times when I knew she wasn’t so busy was when I made the effort to properly catch up with her, maintaining the fun, happy relationship roles we have when we are together.

      It’s easy to drive your suspicions crazy with things like Facebook and so if something like that does cause any negative traits to crop up, then perhaps consider limiting how often you check her profile and concentrate on speaking to her in person and looking forward to seeing each other as much as you can.

      All the best,

      Sam

  60. Ted says:

    Dear Sam,
    I am a freshman in university and my girlfriend is also a freshman in university but we attend schools that are across the country. We have been dating for 8 months now and we both love eachother. She is a very good looking girl and i know she gets hit on because it has happened in front of me. She lives at home with her family, however she goes out on the weekends to the dorms. Because she doesnt go out often, when she does get out she gets blackout drunk and attempts to stay over at the dorms. She says that she will be staying in her girlfriends room, but i know what guys are like in college dorms and i know that people dont always make the best decisions when they are drunk, let alone being blackout. Im really worried that something bad will happen one of these times. I encourage her to go out and have fun because i want her to be happy, but is it necessary to get blackout drunk and stay overnight? Would it be controlling to ask her politely maybe not to drink as much and also go home at the end of the night?

    • Hey Ted,

      There are obviously a lot of behavioural changes that occur when excessive alcohol is consumed but this doesn’t include discarding deep-set moral beliefs. If you trust your girlfriend not to cheat in general and your relationship is fulfilling then alcohol won’t be a problem in that sense.

      Obviously she will be in a far more vulnerable state whilst drunk though so you’re right that there is the risk of her being taken advantage of. This is where you should ideally make sure that she has a good peer-group around her who will look after her on nights out.

      Binge drinking has become a common cultural activity for students and so telling her flat out not to drink as much is likely to come across as controlling like you say, or suggest other things such as a lack of trust!

      You can however discuss with her that you worry about her safety, as long as you ensure that you don’t sound like you are telling her what to do or that you don’t trust her decision making.

      One thing I always encourage my girlfriend to do when she is out drinking without me is to send me a text message at the end of the night to let me know she had fun and got home safely. This is wholly in a loving way and should in no-way come across as ‘checking up’ on your girlfriend.

      Getting “blackout drunk” is usually a phase and is also rarely something that is planned ahead of time. It’s likely that your girlfriend will learn and change how much she drinks in time. Until then, you definitely want to come across as the supportive, relaxed boyfriend rather than a fearful, mistrusting boyfriend.

      Take care,

      Sam

  61. Frank says:

    Dear Sam
    i have been with my gf for 1 month. i know we just started, and still in the process of getting to know each other. There are several factors that make our relationship little more diffcult and we both are aware of it.
    1. I met her online and we live apart across U.S. So it’s a long distance relationship. (i have already made arrangment to see her in few month from now)
    2. She’s Mexican, and i’m chinese. But i don’t think this is a big issue since she like Asian guys.
    3. For me, she’s a ’10′ girl on a 1-10 scale. i have never met someone like her before. In fact sometimes i still shocked she loves me. B/c she’s really beautiful, everywhere she goes, i will have to deal with guys hitting on her. I haven’t see her yet and i already have problems. Like she will tell me guys checking on her and stuff. After a while, i just kinda of get really jealus. I try hard to ignore it and most times u keep to myself.
    Well, i know we started a little fast b/c she was the only person there for me. I was really hurt from the pervious relationship. And she broke up recently too. i just think although we started a little bit fast, it’s ok b/c most times we are in the same page which i love. She really understands me. i’m totally in love with her and she feels the same. I think… i’m just scared b/c i’m afraid to lose her. for all my pervious relationships, the infamous quote the girl always say to me is “oh frank, u are the nicest person i know, and i’m really happy to met u, but i don’t think it will work, i’m really sorry. You will find someone better” i hate it so much. I even started to think all women only loves bad boys. i’m a typical nice guy i guess, sometime a little bit too nice. i think my gf appeciates it. Maybe b/c of her past experiences. Guys she was with didn’t treated her good. I treat her the way i want ti be treated. But sometimes i have problems saying ‘no’. I’m still working on it. but she loves it.
    Ahhh, i could keep writing a book about this, lol but long story short, how can i make this relationship work? How can i trust her and trust myself?
    I’m sry it’s a bit long. I just really need a professional advice. I feel like i’m on the right track right now. I guess i need a little more confidence. Thx for really Sam. i hope to hear u soon.
    Btw she’s turning 21 this month and i’m turning 25 next month.

    excuse my spelling errors and grammar mistakes, i’m writing this from my phone.
    I know the importance in a relationship is communication and honesty. It’s more important in a long distance relationship. so far i think we are doing a good job. i added her into my cell-phone family plan for two reasons. First i want her to know that i love her. I’m a guy who gives a lot in a relationship b/c i want to treasure her. We can talk and text eachother during the day and night. she text me every morning going to school. She also knows my sch during the day since i have a busy sch. School +full time job isn’t a pretty job. And put gf in that mix, lol but i’m hang in there trying to balance everything out.

    • Hey Frank,

      Although your relationship is fairly new, a lot of the same relationship principles apply. The one thing you might have to take extra care of at this stage, especially as it is a long-distance relationship, is not becoming needy (calling far more often than she does for example). It’s great that you’re a nice guy… Girls love nice guys… What they don’t love so much are nice guys who become needy! This is something you’ll have to calibrate as you go, by judging how much she is enjoying the relationship her end from day to day.

      Another way that neediness can manifest is by putting a woman on a pedestal early in the relationship. Although you think of your girlfriend as a “perfect 10”, don’t let that influence treating her any differently than you normally would. Try and keep the relationship as mutual as you can.

      When you start being able to see each other more regularly, a lot of these things will balance out naturally, so until then make sure you are leading and in control of the relationship just as much as she is.

      Two articles that relate to your situation that you may enjoy reading are the following:

      Managing a long distance relationship

      Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance

      Both of these articles directly address some of the points you’ve made in your comment.

      You sound like you’re really clued up with the dynamics of your relationship and how you say you are both “on the same page” and looking for the same things. As long as you keep things that way, the three points you made at the beginning of your comment should not dictate how the relationship plays out… You can actually work with each of them to your advantage and continue to be the kind of guy she desires, like you describe. :)

      All the best,

      Sam

  62. Frank says:

    Dear Sam:
    Thank you so much for your reply. Your advice put me in perspective. Your advices has helped many people. I among many others deeply appeciated.
    With that said, let me first give you my view. U are totally right that i’m needy. However, i have good reason to be. As i said before i think i’m a nice person and when it comes to relationship i’m very seroius about it. I put in a lot of effort into my relationship b/c i want to make it work. And i think Diana(my gf) wants the same thing. I’m a very emotional person and i’m proud of it. But i’m aware that sometimes it can go against me. Diana on the other hand is the opposite. i needs a lot of attention from her throughout the day. But so far we both are doing a good job. thx to my proactive action. (i added her to my family plan, bought a phone so we can connect during the day texting or talk. Many may view this as an inmature move b/c our relationship is fairly new and i already buying stuff for her. But so far it prove that it is necessary so we can better communicate.)
    Diana told me that she was never able to express her feelings. But she does say “i love you” to me a lot. So much that could be 10-15 times in a day whether it’s texting, talking or msn. I don’t have anything against it. I say it back everytime and i mean it. I’m sure she means it too. My question is this how she express herself? I think personally i express myself pretty good. I always tell her how i think. But she doesn’t. For example, one time we were playing a game together. Another (female)friend of mine came into the room. So we started talking, but i didn’t ignore Diana. I introudced my friend to her and everything. But i guess i kept talking with my friend for a little longer and then she left. That night, Diana called me and while we were talking she said brb. So i was waiting for a long time. Then suddenly i hear a guy’s voice. Then Diana says do u mind threeway talking? The weird thing is she already know i’m not comfortable with three way with another guy. I’m ok with her having guy friends. she needs to live her life too. And I trust that she won’t do anything that will hurt me. But i was mad that time. Then later she told me she was jealous i was talking with my female friend??? i was like wut? see Sam, this is what i don’t understand, instead of telling me she did it to me to make me jealous. I just think this is totally not necessary. i freaked out that night. Sometimes i just don’t get how she thinks. But i think this s a process that we going through. What do u think about this? This happened like a week ago. It haven’t happened again. Am i over reacting?
    As of now i’m doing much better with me been jealous. i know she’s beautiful and attactive. i try to use it to my advantage meaning use it to build my own confidence. But from time to time i still have trouble with it. After all I’m so far away. Sometimes i feel like want to know what is she doing.
    Another thing i found out recently is a word called “bent over” or shall i say copromising. I know it’s nessary to compromise in a relationship. And it take both sides to make effort inorder for the relationship to work. Diana says so far everything is going very smoothly. However i disagree. i feel like we already went through a lot b/c many times i have to compromise so we won’t get into a unnecessary argument. idk if this a problem or nothing wrong with it. I nean I’m happy right now.
    Thx for reading Sam. By reading ur articles helped me a great deal.

    • Hi again Frank,

      A lot of the stuff you are talking about boils down to communication like you say. It’s inevitable that there are going to be a couple of misunderstandings early on in any relationship. The important thing is learning from those instances so they never escalate to issues within the relationship or get blown out of proportion.

      This is exactly the case with the example you gave: your girlfriend getting jealous at something you were inadvertently doing and retaliating rather than discussing her feelings with you. You can let her know (or even better, make her feel) that she can come to you whenever something distressing happens within the relationship.

      Perhaps Diana does have a unique way of expressing herself, but learning to understand her reactions will be far more useful than having her verbalise everything anyway. For example, make a mental note of how Diana was reacting when you were chatting with your female friend (how she acts when she isn’t happy with something). Doing this should hopefully allow you to quickly spot if she is feeling the same way in the future.

      This leads on to your point about compromising. A lot is made about compromising in a relationship but really it comes down to not letting anything become a big deal, and developing a level of communication (not necessarily verbal) so you understand how each other are feeling at certain times without having to ask! If the times you are actively compromising with Diana don’t affect your moral values or masculinity, then you are right to continue to do them: it’s likely that she will notice and appreciate you doing this, even if she doesn’t say explicitly!

      If she says that she loves you as much as you say then the foundation is there and any other issues can be overcome very easily using some of the resources found throughout this website.

      Take care,

      Sam

  63. Riley says:

    Hey I just got into a relationship with a girl ive liked for three years now. She is unbeleivably attractive and there are a lot of guys who hit on her which is expected and doesn’t bother me too much. But the real problem is her ex boyfriend. They have been broken up for four or five years and they were never very serious when they were going out. But lately he’s been doing things to get her attention and he has been hitting on her a lot more. The thing that worries me is that she doesn’t really try and tell him to stop but she just ignores it. They are usually things about her body and it just really annoys me. On top of it all he’s kinda my friend and has been trying even harder to be my friend ever since I got with her. It’s a situation where I completely trust her just not him so I just need some advice on how to approach it. Thanks

    • Hey Riley,

      An ex-boyfriend/girlfriend is always a unique friendship. They’ve been at a certain level of intimacy in the past, so bad breakups aside, will generally feel more comfortable around each other than with other members of the opposite sex.

      I’d actually say befriending this guy wouldn’t be a bad move. Unless you sense him becoming more disingenuous or overly disrespectful towards you and your relationship, he is actually less likely to try it on with your girlfriend behind your back if he likes and respects you.

      If you do start to feel that he really is going too far with hitting on your girlfriend then it is probably your girlfriend that you want to calmly and confidently discuss the situation with. She should respect your position and feelings a lot more than if you say anything to the ex-boyfriend yourself.

      Other than that, just keep reminding yourself that she is with you now and that her ex-boyfriend is, for all intents and purposes, just another guy now!

      Take it easy,

      Sam

  64. NewToControl says:

    Hi Sam,

    I’ve been reading your articles and its great because this stuff really makes a lot of sense. But the real battle, for me, is really taming my mind to actually feel this way, as opposed to me acting a certain way but in my head still not quite being satisfied. Almost like a soldier following orders that they just dont agree with because “its their job.”

    My girlfriend works part-time in the mall at a teen/young-adult skate-style store, which can get very busy at times and filled with people our age (were recent college grads). Weve been dating for a little under a year now and while in the beginning of our relationship she was barely working there, recently she has been getting more hours. Coincidentally shes told me she hasnt gotten hit on at work while we’ve been dating, but I know she has in the past and I wouldnt be surprised if she does again. She’s apparently “caught guys checking her out” but I won’t lie and say I’ve never been on the other side of that one ;)

    The thing is I really do trust her and I dont think she would really give these guys the time of day. She’s attractive, and nice, and conversational, with people but that’s her doing her job well. So I have never showed concern to her about this and support her working at the job, but honestly in the back of my mind it torments me a little knowing the kind of situation she is in where who knows what type of guy may get all “friendly” with her. It’s the opposite of an “up-tight” clothing store which sometimes makes me worry about the kind of interactions she may encounter whether with other male workers or with male customers…

    As an added note, she is still taking some part-time classes at a college where she has to go and be around the campus sometimes. And I also have basically the same feelings with that. …Being bothered that she may get hit on in class, or at the library, or might get involved in a conversation with some random guy.

    I guess my question is, is there a way to help myself cope with this and convince myself that I have no reason to feel upset or badly about the idea of guys hitting on her while she is at work? And be totally ok with this fact and maybe even thinking that a little flirting/whatever is good for our relationship? It’s like I know this, and I really trust her, we have a great foundation under our relationship right now, but I guess it still just bothers me that my girlfriend might have these types of encounters…

    Thanks for any advice you can give!

    • Hi,

      The first paragraph of your comment is true of most things: our belief systems are formed through experience and repetition. That is, we can be told something from authority that we agree with in theory, but haven’t developed the self-belief to support it yet. This is definitely true for the first few years of a relationship.

      It seems that you know exactly how to act and what the reality of the situation is but a small, pre-programmed fear of loss is meddling with that.

      There is no instantaneous method that will rid those nagging feelings other than continually perceiving and reassuring yourself that you have nothing to worry about. Perhaps visiting your girlfriend whilst she is at work and experiencing the reality of the situation will help in allowing your cognition to catch up with what I’m sure you know deep down is not an issue. Always keeping in the loop with what goes on during her working day will help too.

      The rest of the time, it’s about preventing yourself from thinking too much or overanalysing anything that might be happening whilst your girlfriend is away. From what you’ve said, your relationship sounds great; you just have to continue to do the things that will make you truly believe that nothing beyond your control can change that!

      Take care,

      Sam

  65. Ed says:

    Hello Sam,
    I had an experience today, that i wasn’t okay with. i am attending a short class for a new job. My girlfriend had drove me to class today and waited out side in the parking lot. We had thought that it was going to be a short day because it was our last day, and we live a bit far from the class. Anyway, we spent my lunch break together at a local restaurant. Then she drove me back to class. She said that one of the guys from my class walked up to her window and stood there for like 1 minute, and she said that she didnt acknowledge him, but then after he wouldn’t move for the longest time she said that she asked him if she could help him ???….He replied with “Whats your name?” she told him her name and he asked if she was with someone that was in the class, she said “yes…im with Ed.” and he said “Are you happy?” she told him yes, he kept on asking her are you sure? then tried to get her to take down his number in her cell phone. She told him no i can’t do that. He didn’t stop asking her until a friend of mine from the class pulled up, he then walked into class, at this time i was not around my girl, i had no clue as to what had happened while i was in class. I didn’t sense any hostile looks, or any other factors to assume any threat. after i got out of class she then told me the whole story. She had also said that she told him that She and I are getting married soon and that she was very happy with me. I love and trust my girlfriend very much, and i know she feels the same about me, so im not worried all that much about it. I know that my girl is very attractive, and has a really sweet personality. My only problem is 4 days from now we all have to take a test for the certification to work at this new job, so ill be there and this guy will be there too, im almost sure of it. so what should i do if someone says something to me about it?, I was never the kind of guy to walk away when being taunted, but i was never the kind of guy to start anything either. so to be honest, deep down i have no clue how i will handle the situation. should i just drop it and see how it goes, or should i do what my gut is telling me and just go in swinging on him. keep in mind that i do not know this guy, and i never really talked to him much while in the class so i could care less about his wellbeing lol, by the way Sam, this was a great article, it was very informative and in great detail. if i don’t get a reply by the time test day rolls around, ill tell you how it goes. thanks in advance.

    • Hey Ed,

      If that interaction is described accurately then there really is nothing to worry about in terms of this guy actually attracting your girlfriend… He seems to come across as slightly creepy, threatening and not very socially calibrated!

      As for how you should act if your paths do cross, I would personally suggest being as indifferent and nonreactive as possible. Try and think how an A-list celebrity would act if his girlfriend was accost in a similar way. He would politely and calmly remove his woman from the situation and not get involved in anything ‘beneath him’.

      Your girlfriend clearly isn’t impressed by this guy’s approach so try not to get roped into anything that is of no benefit to either of you. Like I said, if you remain polite he’ll have no ammunition to use against you.

      Try not to worry about what may or may not happen ahead of time… There’s every chance that nothing will transpire in the first place!

      Do let me know what happens,

      Sam

  66. Cali Surfer Boy says:

    Hi Sam,

    I just found your website and appreciate the time you put into responding to peoples questions. I have one for you:
    My friends describe me to be the model type and my girlfriend is good looking too. She is really friendly and doesn’t know how to say no.

    My friend had too much to drink at a party and started touching my girlfriend several times. He tried to bust into my room when she was in there at the end of the night. I almost lost it and fought him: he is extremely insecure and doesn’t know how to talk to girls and he did it out of convenience since he is terrible with girls. He apologized the next day but then a few days later I saw them hanging out as a group; I lost it and was so angry. I didn’t say anything at the time but talked to my gf after. She said she wouldn’t do it again out of respect for me. She is a really classy girl and is loyal but this loser doesn’t know how to back off. After the incident he still texted her and tried to hang out with her. This jerk lives across the hall from me. The problem is that they have mutual friends and they are trying to get her to ignore my wishes and hang out with them even though that treacherous guy is there. I thought the problem was solved when she said that she wouldn’t hang out with them but I feel the pressure now that the group wants to hang out with her and won’t invite me. I get hit on by girls frequently, could see any girl, and have lots of options, but I like this girl. I don’t understand how a friend could be this disloyal, I can never imagine doing this to a buddy……………
    Thanks

    • Hey,

      You seem like a confident guy and as you say, you have lots of options with women. It’s sometimes difficult to know where someone without such acute social skills is truly coming from and what their true intentions are.

      This other guy’s social intuition obviously isn’t that well calibrated and it’s common for guys to abandon their morals when alcohol is involved and they’re mistaking a woman’s politeness or friendliness as attraction. I’m not sure he would be so forward in other circumstances.

      From the way you describe this other guy, it seems that you know deep down that he isn’t a direct threat to your relationship and it is more about him being disrespectful to you.

      The problem with voicing your concern or showing any animosity towards him is that it is exactly that attitude that will MAKE them want to hang out behind your back. In a sense, it is making something that isn’t your problem (him not being very good with women) into your problem. It also puts your girlfriend in an awkward position, caught between social groups.

      I know it may seem counterintuitive but one option other than ignoring him is to dismiss the feelings of disrespect and actually help this guy out a bit. If you introduce him to other women and humbly give him a few tips, not only will he respect you more by default, he will probably stop resorting to hitting on your girlfriend.

      Take it easy,

      Sam

  67. I do not know if you would remember me but it looks like you have alot of customers so I guess you wouldnt but just to let you know the girl that was “Innocent” wasn’t. She told me later on whenever we were broke up she cheated on me with 6 guys thats she remembers and dont know how many times…..

    • Hey David,

      I do remember you writing and just read back over what you originally wrote last year.

      There’s a bit of a contradiction between “broke up” and “cheated on” but I guess it doesn’t change the sentiment or the outcome. Some women (just like some men) will turn out to be untrustworthy and not the sort for monogamous relationships but with a bit of hindsight and lessons learnt from that relationship, it’ll be easier to spot women who have a similar attitude in the future.

      Take care,

      Sam

  68. GB says:

    Don’t know if this site is still active or not, but I have learned plenty reading all the posts.

    I had a similar situation as some of those described above end a relationship of a year and a half with my girlfriend and I guess I’m just looking to see if I should have handled it better.

    My girlfriend started talking to an older, apparently very well-off man online, a man who lived in a foreign country. It struck me as odd that she was doing it and, when she said he wanted to be facebook friends with her, I told her that would be weird. She assured me she’d “block” him if it got weird.

    Turns out the guy gave her the full-court press and convinced her to leave me — leave America — and move to Greece with him.

    She was honest about the situation, where she did say she thought she had feelings for this guy after a week or two talking to him online. I let it go because I, first, trusted her that she loved me — she said she still wanted to be with me at that point — and second, I, in no way thought she would ever consider moving to another country for someone she hadn’t met.

    I feel like I blew it because I didn’t tell her to not talk to him and took what happened in stride rather than, either contacting him to tell him to cut it out or telling her I didn’t feel comfortable with her speaking to him online.

    So, in a way, it seems like my trust in her got me screwed — or maybe just my naivete.

    • Hi,

      This website is indeed still active! If you sign up for e-mail updates you’ll receive a notification each time I post a new article. :)

      You pretty much answered your own questions with what you could have done to prevent what happened but of course that is easier to notice with hindsight.

      Being decisive about your feelings towards something is fine in a relationship as long as those feelings don’t stem from any personal insecurity.

      Online relationships can be very covert in that they escalate very slowly whilst developing a lot of deep rapport over time.

      Second to this, the lack of reality within an online relationship can actually heighten one’s attraction for the person on the other end. This means that even the slightest negativity or contempt in your relationship would have been further fuel for the online relationship developing.

      Regardless of ways you might have been able to prevent it, I would take the lessons that you’ve learnt from the experience and try to put it behind you as quickly as possible.

      Thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

    • GB says:

      Thanks for the response, sam, I appreciate it.

      But isn’t the whole point of the initial article here saying that “Don’t get jealous” “Show your trust in her” and all that stuff. So, I believe I did that here, and kind of got screwed over it.

      What you are saying to me now is I should have told her not to talk to this guy online? At the very beginning, she said she would stop talking to him if it got weird; but then never did stop talking to him. I didn’t push anything b/c I trusted her and thought she was in love with me as I was with her.

    • Hi again,

      The point about jealousy in a relationship is not simply “don’t be jealous” but “don’t be NEEDLESSLY jealous”; the latter being jealousy stemming from insecurity and fear.

      There is a big difference between unconditional or blind trust and trust in a relationship, which should always be grounded and mutual.

      I wasn’t necessarily advocating telling her specifically not to talk to the guy online (although it may have prevented what prevailed if she agreed to do that and didn’t resent it).

      Even so, saying something like that can be done in one of two ways: a way that demonstrates insecurity, an example of which is, “I don’t want you to talk to him anymore; I’m worried about what might happen”. The second way demonstrates decisiveness and respect, an example of which is, “I don’t feel comfortable with the way that guy is talking to you, knowing you are in a relationship”. The difference may seem insignificant but changing the focus from her choices to your feelings as a result of this other guy’s actions is what makes the difference between how a message like that is interpreted.

      There would have been a point in her online conversations where she knew that feelings were developing and that she was no longer being respectful to you and hence there was a lack of mutual trust.

      You say that she mentioned she might be developing feelings for this guy early on. That was possibly a sign for you to think of ways to make you as her boyfriend the focus of her attention and desires, passively rather than through jealousy or fear. Done successful, at the very least your girlfriend would have been a lot more open with you about what she talked about with this other guy and what his intentions were.

      At the end of the day, although it may not be pleasant to hear or accept and she didn’t act in a particularly gracious manner, there are underlying reasons why this all happened. On a basic level, there was something she was getting from the other relationship (or visualised she would be getting) that she wasn’t getting in yours. The philogynist would like to think that it was on an emotional level but it may well have predominantly been for promise of more money and a different lifestyle.

      The most important thing to ensure from the whole experience is to not let it affect any future relationships and your trust for women in general. It’s an extremely rare chain of events that happened and I’m sure if you ever found yourself in similar circumstances you will be a lot more aware and prepared.

      Feel free to e-mail me via the contact section at the top of this page if you would like me to explain anything further.

      Sam

  69. HB says:

    Hey sam,
    wow all your info is like top notch great stuff. I aspire and I am working slowly on myself. I have a really great gal that I have liked for 2 years and we dated other folks and finally found ourselves together. We are both really happy and she is very happy to be out of an abusive relationship with a very manipulative controlling individual. While I am still at times dealing with my jealousy issues I try very hard to not let it affect us. But I do know that I have done some things to spoil certain very beautiful things about our relationship. MOstly I have overreacted to her telling me things about her ex and so forth. but like I said I am working on that.

    That is not the issue I come with today. I am a queer girl and so is my girl. I have some insecurities about her relationship with her roommate (also a girl). I know you may say “hey I dont have experience with this queer stuff,” but its exactly like boy and girl stuff so if you could just answer it from that angle. My girl and her roommate have been very very close friends for a couple of years. When my girl was with her abusive ex, her roommate was there for her, going on long car rides, hanging out, watching movies, and so forth. During the troubles with the abusive ex and the breakups and makeups that they went through, the roommate admitted to having feelings for my girl and in one drunken night they ended up having sex. A few months after that my girl told the roommate that she had feelings for her, and the roommate admitted the same. Nothing ever happened though. Supposedly the roommate didnt follow through cause they were scared of the evil ex. They remained very close friends, and now roommates.

    The first night that my girl and I hooked up, in the next room over we heard the roommate throwing things around the room. That same night the roommate drunkenly drove far away to another city to be with friends.

    I asked my girl about the roommate flipping out. In my own mind, I know that the roommate is like deeply in love with my girl. My girl doesnt agree with this, but its almost like she doesnt want to admit to it.

    Anyways after the initial hoopla of the roommate getting upset it was akward but then we all became very close friends. The three of us would hang out and have a great time, and I wasnt jealous at all, because I was very happy to finally be with my girl,and didnt see the roommate as a threat or I thought the roommate had gotten over it.

    One time the three of us were hanging out and I got a different feeling. I felt overwhelmed with the roommates constant company and got seriously unsure of the relationship between my girl and the roommate. Things have definitely changed since then. We no longer hang out with the roommate as much, and its more my girl hanging out with the roommate when i am away at work. Nothing exactly happened where I said anything to my girl, except I brought up the question of whether she thought the roommate still had feelings for her.

    Please note, i almost feel like the roommate is my girls replacement “boyfriend” when I am gone. She bends over backwards for my girl, plays songs my girl likes when we ride in the car, does things that usually only a partner does for someone (drive to campus and bring my girl her computer). My girl and the roommate are perpetually texting. The roommate makes my girlfriend laugh really hard and really easily. they go out and eat and run errands together when I am gone to work.

    I feel bad because I feel like in some way my insecurity has changed this dynamic. I feel like my girl is walking on eggshells when she brings up the roommate.

    I feel bad bringing it up again, but I want to talk about it one last time with her and express myself completely. I dont know how to do this without further marginalizing my girl, like making her feel like she has to choose. but it also sucks cause it is slowly eating inside me, and though I dont like to show it, sometimes I am hurt inside when I see/hear things about them.

    I need your words of advice! I want to let the roommate know that they should give up hope, but I know thats crazy!

    • Hi,

      First off that’s great that you’re actively working on not letting jealousy affect your relationship. Although I don’t have personal experience outside of heterosexual relationships, I do work with couples that are in such relationships and have found that emotional aspects such as feelings of jealousy and insecurity do not differ much.

      Although the situation you describe affects everyone involved, the issue is predominantly between your girlfriend and her roommate. Sometimes it is best to not get too directly involved, particularly referring to emotions and insecurities. The best thing you can do is to support and reassure your girlfriend whilst not letting any personal emotions or opinions affect your relationship.

      As such, I wouldn’t recommend speaking directly about this to the roommate. It’s hard to know exactly how intense or lustful her feelings for your girlfriend are and they may very well be changeable, as infatuation generally is. Rationalising her feelings and letting her know it’s a problem to you is unlikely to help the situation.

      I’m sure your girlfriend, with what has gone on in the past, is very conscious of not hurting anyone’s feelings and so if you do speak to her about this again, you definitely do not want to make her feel that she has to choose or upset anyone. Instead, make sure you sound empathetic and supportive rather than jealous or demanding whilst calmly explaining your feelings and listening to hers.

      Another thing that could help the dynamic immensely is if you start befriending the roommate yourself once more, without rubbing her face in it of course. This will also take a lot of pressure off your girlfriend, who whether intentional or not, will definitely sense any resentment between the three of you.

      Good luck and I hope things work out well,

      Sam

  70. Matthew says:

    Obviously I am having a bit of a problem, seeing as how I’ve landed at this great sight. I’ve been with my girlfriend nearly 5 years. She has pretty serious social anxiety and has recently started taking meds for it. Before, we could never go out without her having a near panic attack forcing us to go home. Since these last few weeks of taking daily medicine for it, she’s finally able to go out and have a good time. She works at a fast food place making sandwiches for customers. We live in a fairly small city, so naturally she runs into customers while we are out trying to have a good time. I’m pretty laid back, but it got to me when she saw a customer while we were out, and hugged him and eventually got his number. This actually happened twice that night. We get home at 1 a.m. and I notice she is texting one of the guys whose number she just got. I told her that it’s a little disrespectful as calmly as I can, and she responded by saying “It’s nothing,” and I kind of dropped the conversation. I’m still pretty bothered by it, I genuinely think it was a disrespectful thing for her to do. Am I wrong? At first, I thought it was real cute seeing her in public having a good time. I was really happy for her, and was proud of her. She’s a really good looking girl with a great personality, just trying to fit in socially I think. Am I overreacting? If I let it go, I’m sure it will keep happening… Or should I just ignore it next time and look happy?

    • Hey Matthew,

      I understand exactly where you’re coming from. It’s something of a natural protector mechanism men have that leads to these sorts of feelings when our loved ones interact with other men. Whether those interactions are disrespectful towards a monogamous partner or not will solely come down to the context of the situation.

      For example, if a woman is in a bar giving out her number to guys who are clearly hitting on her then that is disrespectful. On the other hand, women can and should be allowed to make friends with other men, as long as there are no mixed messages.

      To put this in perspective further, think how different your feelings to the situation would be if her interaction had been identical but it was a female customer or friend that your girlfriend had bumped into and swapped numbers with.

      You say that your girlfriend has had social anxiety in the past and so from the way she acted, it does seem like her intentions are purely on a social level and wholly innocent.

      Like I mentioned, the only part that you want to ascertain is that she is making it clear when relevant that she is just socialising and that she is happily in a relationship. Other than that, I agree that she should be encouraged for being more outgoing and sociable.

      Although you may still get conflicting feelings next time you see her befriending other men, it will definitely help if you hide the unease whilst the interactions are innocent and show the feelings of pride and admiration that you describe instead. Counter-intuitive as it may seem, this will actually make her want to show respect for your relationship even more!

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  71. Daniel says:

    Well first off, I like to think my girlfriend respects me and loves me unconditionally. I have had a few long term relationships before her and they have all turned out the girl cheating on me. So I was open with this one about how I feel about her around a bunch of guys as she says she has more guy friends than females friends. Which this I am fine with, its the times that she keeps something from me, like leaving with a friend to go pick her boyfriend up then going to pick some of his guy friends up, she leaves out the parts about picking up the other guys. Also like at her work, she works in a restraunt as a hostess and I know there will be tons of guys flirting with her but thats part of her job, now what gets me is when they are closed and a guy is inside that doesnt work there and is flirting with her and tried to grab her she backs away but still stands there talking and smiling, take into mind this guy is drunker than drunk and the place was closed she was waiting for me to get there to pick her up, she didnt know I was outside yet. So im at the window watching all this happen, I start bangin on the windows and doors only to be ignored by everyone. She finally comes out the doors and I make my way in to have a few choice words with this drunk fella. Now im just pissed cos my girlfriends grabs me and says no baby hes retarded lets leave. I am sorry but I am very very protective over my stuff be it girlfriend or not. If someone violates her space, i get mad. Not just at her but at her and the guy. I don’t blame just 1 person as I know it takes 2…

    • Hey Daniel,

      This is a classic example of conflicts between logical and emotional reasoning. You say that your girlfriend respects and loves you, which is actually a likely reason why she would withhold mentioning innocent meetings with guys: because she knows that it can affect you negatively and you might react badly!

      Although you mention women cheating in the past, a lot of this comes down to ways you can perceive and react to scenarios involving other men. If you get a chance to read through some of the above comments from other readers you’ll notice a lot with similarities to your situation.

      I understand the desire to protect your girlfriend but confrontation should only be necessary if she is genuinely in a vulnerable position. Even then, it is far more attractive as a man and likely to have a positive outcome for everyone if you can calmly take control of the situation rather than become reactionary and aggressive.

      In the example you gave, it sounds like your girlfriend had already diffused the situation and conveyed her disinterest in this other guy. Taking a moment yourself to acknowledge that he was drunk and insignificant could have allowed you to deal with the situation far more rationally.

      Changing the focus to you and your girlfriend and being excited to see each other would have a far more positive effect on the relationship (and effectively put the other guy on ignore). It would also reinforce the notion that you won’t get jealous of her being put in social situations with guys that she can’t really avoid. Over time this will actually make her more open with you.

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  72. David says:

    Dude you are so wrong with the letting other guys flirt.. no you don’t want your gf knowing other guys think she is attractive, because if she does she could esasily say screw the guy i’m with i have plenty more options.. think things more thourgholy before you post somehting this long up.. you are way wrong..

    • Hi David,

      I appreciate the discussion but I’m afraid I have to disagree. Not only does your comment describe a guy who is possessive of his girlfriend, but also one who feels threatened by other men.

      It is not a case of “letting” other guys flirt… it is about accepting that they will regardless and learning to deal with it in a socially acceptable and confident manner.

      It also comes down to mindset and how attractive one views themselves in comparison to their girlfriend.

      For example, I know my girlfriend is very attractive in the eyes of other men and we both know she could easily get another man if she chose to. However, she equally knows that I could get another woman just as easily. It’s a two-way thing and the key word is “choose”… You want your girlfriend to be with you because she chooses you over all the other guys… not because she doesn’t have many options!

      Men who don’t make a conscious effort to be continually attractive generally see their woman as having more power over the relationship’s stability and definitely as having more dating options.

      The only reason a woman would say “screw the guy I’m with” is if she wasn’t completely fulfilled and happy with that guy! Other guys flirting have no bearing on how happy she is her relationship whilst that relationship remains completely fulfilling.

      Thanks for the discussion,

      Sam

  73. Jeff says:

    My “friend” from college greets me with a quick handshake and then immediately turns to my girlfriend to give her a big hug and loudly kiss her with a big “MUAAAH” for like a full 1-2 seconds. He then proceeds to play with her coat hood like she’s a doll. Meanwhile, I’m standing right there not knowing how to react.
    This has been a continual problem and I am contemplating just cutting off this “friend”–but more importantly, what is the alpha male response?

    • Hey Jeff,

      I just so happened to be going through my comments as you posted this, so you get a faster than usual response! :)

      The first thing I would notice is how this guy greets other girls and also how your girlfriend reacts to it. Certainly where I am from, a handshake for men and a hug and kiss on the cheek for women is standard greeting protocol and so there might be nothing more in it.

      The ‘alpha male’ response, in terms of a guy who is fully confident within himself, would probably be to shrug it off if your girlfriend is comfortable with it. If she is clearly not comfortable with it then I’d quietly say something to the guy in private but only if that was definitely the case.

      If you want to call him on his behaviour in some way then there are things you can do at the time, as long as they are not fuelled by insecurity (it will be unavoidably communicated if it is). One example off the top of my head would be saying in a joking way, “hey, how come I don’t get a big kiss!” Note that this is meant to be humorous and playful, not with any spite or jealousy.

      These are the sort of things that are easy to blow out of proportion. The greeting probably has no real significance or intent from this other guy and certainly not on your girlfriend’s behalf, so calmly letting their short interaction pass and then taking back the focus of the conversation is probably the best advice.

      Thanks for your question,

      Sam

  74. Alex says:

    My girlfriend is a very atrractive woman. She is very kind and friendly. Sometimes, she is so friendly that guys take it the wrong way. They always thought that she was flirting with them. The situation right now is there is one guy tries to hit on her by texting. My girlfriend always texting with him. When I asked shed said that she thinks of him as a friend( but I know that guy likes her because his friend told me). But again, this texting keeps bothering me because when she is with me, she is always on her cell phone texting. And there was one day, she went to his apartment and hung out with him alone and then they went to dinner together(she said nothing really happened). I found out later, so I told her that I feel really uncomfortable about this. I tried not to get mad at her, and tried to figure it out what to do. I asked my girlfriend to tell him something to stop this kind of behavior and she agreed to do so. Am I doing the right thing? What is the best way to deal with this problem?

    • Hi Alex,

      It is extremely easy for a friendly woman to inadvertently give out wrong signals to other guys and this is largely a fault with generic male social skills.

      It is difficult for some guys to distinguish between attraction and social affection and that could be the case with this other guy. Your girlfriend’s friendliness also portrays her as being a desirable girlfriend, which is obviously a good thing but does come with several caveats such as guys receiving ambiguous signals.

      It sounds like you’ve taken a lot of the right steps so far in not getting mad or blaming your girlfriend but still letting her know it makes you slightly uncomfortable.

      Whilst you don’t want to be telling her what to do or dictating her behaviour in social settings, if you can help her to notice when other guys start developing an infatuation for her, then you can also suggest ways that she can prevent inadvertently leading them on.

      The easiest way for her to do this directly is to either talk about her relationship and you being her boyfriend more, or to give this other guy a decisive ‘just friends’ talk. This should only be necessary if the guy has CLEARLY developed feelings for her and isn’t just being friendly himself. A rule of thumb in working that one out is to notice how many other women this guy has in his life. If he has lots of other women in his social circle then he is less likely to be obsessed with just one.

      Another option is to tell your girlfriend in a confident way that she should let you know if other men ever do anything out of line towards her of start showing signs of infatuation. It’s imperative that this is done in a confident manner and not with any insecurity. The latter could ultimately lead to her keeping friendships with other men more secret.

      As for now, if she has already agreed to be a bit more decisive with this other guy then I would wait and see if anything changes first before bringing up the topic again.

      Take care,

      Sam

  75. Jay says:

    Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a year now. We did split for a month(back in October), due to mutual feelings that maybe we weren’t right for eachother. “Two different people, from two different worlds” to quote. A month later, after realizing that we missed eachother and thought about eachother the entire month of being apart, we got back together. We said we’d forget the month ever happened and we’d continue to grow together in a relationship, stating that we being different could not effect our relationship, in fact, that it brought us closer. We had our suspicions, even asked if we were with anyone, talked, kissed, or were interested with anyone during the month apart. Not out of resentment, but out of curiousity. After all, we did miss eachother immensely while apart. We told eachother that no, we had not been with anyone. I felt relief in this, it made me feel more confident in our relationship. For months and months things went amazingly and then around Valentine’s Day I logged into her Facebook. Thinking I’d leave a “Happy Valentine’s Day” message on her wall. (She loves those cute kinda things) and I don’t know why, call it curiousity, but I looked into her inbox. I saw messages from a guy I knew only to be a “friend” from her school. I’m not the jealous type at all, never have been. But after reading the messages, I found out that while me and her were apart, she had been at his house, even went out on a date with him. Its none of my business, I understand, because we were apart, but I feel as if she kept this from me when we asked eachother if we’d been with someone. The messages stated that the last time they’d seen eachother was in his room. I felt upset about this, and consulted her. It being late, she was asleep, and the only person who I thought to turn to was her girl best friend. Her friend enlightened me, that during a conversation between the two, that she had brought up this other guy. Her friend had just got out of a three year relationship and was missing her boyfriend greatly. She said that my girlfriend had made it a point that it was possible for them to get back together, due to the fact that my girlfriend had feelings for this ‘other guy’ for awhile and yet she still got back with me. I was blown away by this. I had no clue that my girlfriend had had any feelings for another guy, or that she had acted on them by going out with this guy, let alone going to his house, or that she never let me know. I finally confronted my girlfriend the next morning, and it turns out that yes. She had went out with this guy, and yes, she had gone to his house. She told me also, that while we were dating, before the breakup, that she had a small crush on her friend from school. He was very nice, and charming, and this was around the time we were having problems/doubts. She said that it was nothing more than a crush, and that she truly did love me. I asked about her being at his house. Apparently he invited her while she was bored, and she went over to just “hangout”. He confessed that he liked her alot, and that he wanted to be with her. I’m happy to hear that she said no, that she still felt in love with me, even with us being apart. But what my whole problem out of all this is that while she was over there, he wanted a kiss. She wouldn’t oblige him, but before she left, he wanted one desperately. In her words, he went as far as walking her to her car, putting his hand on the door, leaning against the car, and continued to ask for a kiss. She said that she gave in, and let him kiss her. She fought me on this at the time, as to how he only kisses her, and she just stands there as he kisses her. She demands that I believe her, that she did not kiss him, but that she stood there and let him kiss her, so that she could leave. She admits to being uncomfortable, but my problem is that I’ve always thought my girlfriend as one to handle her own, and get herself out of such uncomfortable situations. She just gave in, and I find that hard to grasp I guess. I mean, for all I know, she could break under the pressure of any guy who wants a kiss. She says after that night, all feelings went away. But this doesn’t explain the messages in her inbox, months later, saying that the drive to his house was “worth it”. Saying that they needed to hang out again. I want to believe my girlfriend is faithful, and not just bullshitting me. After all, she didn’t tell me any of this when we first got together, and that she’d been keeping it from me all this time. She said that she was afraid, and felt bad for it. She didn’t want to ruin us getting back together, in fear that it would change my mind of us getting together again. Maybe its just communication problems we were having, but after going through all this we’re back to normal so to say. Yet after learning that she had had feelings for another guy during our relationship, and even breaking under the pressure of another guy, I feel this feeling of suspicion, and I don’t know what to believe. I’m trying desperately to move on from this, after all, we’re happily together now, just reaching our 1 year. I just want to know whether or not this is normal, after all, I’ve never been a jealous boyfriend, suspicious boyfriend, or have had feelings of mistrust. Regardless of all the past relationships I’ve had where my ex’s have cheated on me, I still keep an open heart, wanting to believe my girlfriend is the one for me. She is amazing in every way, I just don’t want to be played a fool. I’ve learned to follow my gut instincts, and the “wrong feeling” in my stomach, and I have that now, I just don’t know if the past events I’ve explained above are getting in the way of my feelings.

    • Hi Jay,

      Whilst there are a lot of assumptions and analysis that can be deduced from all the events you have described, resurrecting past events like these will only ever have a negative effect on your relationship.

      Your girlfriend’s feelings and behaviour have no doubt changed considerably since all of this happened and so discussing intricate details with the sole aim of reassuring yourself about her commitment is likely to be fruitless. Not only will it lead to her backwards-rationalising what actually happened but it can also prompt her to skew details to cater to that bid for reassurance.

      It does sound like your girlfriend is being sincere with the way she has now confessed everything to you.

      As a result, there are two ways to frame what she has said. The first is that she may keep things secret if she feels they aren’t conducive to the relationship. The second is that she will be open and honest with you if you approach things in the correct manner. The latter of these is the level of trust you want to have and that is achieved solely through your attitude towards trust in the relationship.

      The ideal attitude is a mixture of showing that you won’t overreact when she confesses something to you, that you aren’t insecure or jealous of other guys and perhaps most importantly, that you won’t accept being disrespected. These are the fundamental aspects of mutual trust and respect. Aside from the small issue regarding this other guy, you actually seem to have a lot of these traits already.

      As for everything that went on during your time apart back in October, now that it is out in the open, you really are best off forgetting about it completely and starting a clean slate. Your girlfriend already knows how you feel about it all. Remember how great your relationship is now and how insignificant the brief flirting and messages were with this other guy.

      With the one year milestone coming up, now is a great time to draw a line under all those things and get back to working on and enjoying a fulfilling relationship with your girlfriend, with those past details forgotten about.

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  76. Marlon P says:

    Hey Sam.

    I have a question so me an my girl are going to be 2 months soon n we kinda started arguen like the 4th week we started dating cuz sometimes i felt like she was ignoring me n kinda sticking up for her friends than me and she used to ignored when i tell her nice things n i felt like she was getting tired of me. Some reason y i used to get mad is cuz guys hit on her and as i was reading previously i should feel proud that the guys are hitting on her cuz she is gorgeous she real fit she is everything i wished for but at the same time im scared bcause good looking guys are trying to get with her all of the sudden now tht we together idk if they feel like this is a challenge to see whos gonna get to go home with her but i know we both love eachother and shes moving to NY soon n we gonna be close very soon.

    Sometimes i leave her post on her facebook maybe 5 to 6 times a day saying how much i love her n how much she means to me but rele what im doing is trying to keep the guys away from her cuz i feel like they going to eat her brains telling her nice things just to get what they want and i admit it im insecure sometimes but i guess thts normal but as i read all ur post i found some of them similar of what im going thru and im starting to feel confident about her now and i rele cant wait to tlk to her bout it in the am. But tonight some dude made a comment tht rele bothered me bcause she has a pic with some flowers i sent her and everyone was happy for her bcause she finally has sum1 tht treats her good and this is what he said ” those flowers are real nice but ur even better” like tht rele botherd me cuz basicly he was the only one saying something like tht and of corse i reacted n the guy and i got into a lil arguemtn but i manage to ignored it cuz like u said they just want her cuz of how she looks and i sent her txt messages saying tht i was sorry n i wasnt trying to start something it was just a bad reacting from me bcause it rele botherd me i just cant wait to see what she gona say in the morning but on top of tht i txted her bout her i felt bout her tht i rele trust her and tht im trying to change for the good n i hope she understands tht

    I would really like some advice on how i should handle myself from now on bcause the fact tht i trust her and she knows it doesnt mean she can still mess around with guys wich i doubt she will do but temptation is always around the corner i try not to worry but this is every day and is killing me so i would appreciate if i hear from u soon thanks alot.

    • Hey Marlon,

      Guys hit on girls all the time and if the girl in question is particularly attractive and has a sociable lifestyle then this is heightened even further.

      The pivotal thing to realise is that these other guys are not competition! This girl is in a relationship with YOU. When you say something nice to her that is sincere and heartfelt it means the world to her… When another guy who she doesn’t have an emotional connection with says something nice to her, it is purely validation for her and perhaps even slightly needy. It is not the same sentiment at all.

      I know it is sometimes hard when you are aware of other guys in her life and when you read comments that seem to be blatant attempts at flirting. It does help a lot to take some time to put it in perspective though.

      You should never feel the need to prove your relationship to other guys or retaliate if they seem to flirt with your girlfriend because ultimately, you are in control… You are her boyfriend, you are the one she wants to be with and you are the one who can show through confidence and respect that no other guy can affect your relationship or get under your skin, unless you let them!

      I’m sure once your girlfriend moves to NY then a lot of these beliefs will start to fall into place but in the meantime, try not to assume that any random guys on Facebook have more emotional rapport with your girlfriend than they actually do.

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  77. Val says:

    Hello there. I’ve been browsing your website for about an hour now. Literally taking the information provided and saving it for future reference. I myself have a lot of trust issues due to past relationships and I sometimes also get very jealous of my boyfriend. He gets jealous too but he’s more silent about it he doesn’t really act upon it unless he feels something is really going on.

    Right now you can say we are in a rough patch. Some time ago I miscarried and honestly all I could do was simply move on. It was really early into the pregnancy not even an entire month yet and I miscarried. We simply moved on until he came across an old High School friend. She is pregnant as well. I didn’t mind her at first she seemed pretty chill until I actually met her face to face.

    At first I was like alright she seems pretty cool but then she literally jumps at him and hugs all over him. Even at one point holds hands with him, and for some reason called me a bitch later on. She also got quite angry when he was talking to me over her.

    I know for a fact he wasn’t comfortable with the situation and knew I would be feeling uncomfortable as well as he was really trying to stay as close to me as possible the entire time.

    She really desires a lot of his attention and care, telling him that after she has the baby she wants to spend more time with him and when I’m with him she’ll call him and be like come pick me up from my house or let’s go for a walk to the park. She will constantly try to pull him away from me.

    In the end, the deep emotions I felt from miscarrying come back because of the fact that a girl that is successfully pregnant is trying to be very close to my boyfriend.

    I really don’t know how to deal with it and I tried telling my bf how I felt and the last time she called him to get him to hang with her while he was with me he turned her down and he also turned her down when she wanted to hang with him when I wasn’t around.

    Though something about the way I feel is making him angry. He wont talk about it with me yet because he doesn’t want to snap at me basically.

    I tried to pry a bit but he said that the fact that I don’t know what he’s angry about just made him even more pissed.

    I don’t want to be that girlfriend that puts a leash on her boyfriend telling him who he can and can not hang out with. I myself know how important it is to be there for your friends in those important times. If my girl friend got pregnant I’d want to be there for her too.

    I really don’t know what to do. Right now we’re basically taking some time away from one another.

    After reading some of the advice on this website though I will definitely be looking back here to remind myself of ways I can deal with my trust issues and jealousy. Thank you so much for devoting your time to writing these things. It really helps.

    • Hi Val,

      I’m glad you like the website and thanks for taking the time to check it all out.

      Although I don’t have any personal experience of dealing with a miscarriage, it sounds like you have handled what must have been a terrible experience very well. I admire your ability to get through such an experience and move on with your relationship.

      Most issues regarding bad patches in a relationship are projections of negative inner beliefs, thoughts and fears. Hence I usually advocate a method of working on those things individually to instigate a positive change in the relationship. In this case though, I do think discussing any stored up feelings with your boyfriend might help. It will be important how you discuss those feelings though, avoiding things such as blame, contempt or a sense of disconnect.

      Whilst this situation does follow a lot of the same principles as any other friend seeming to be getting close to your boyfriend, the fact that she is pregnant does mean there are probably a lot more varying emotions involved on her behalf. It also puts an onus on your boyfriend to be compassionate towards her.

      Stating that you feel uneasy about their friendship and uncomfortable with her behaviour towards both of you is fine, as long as your boyfriend doesn’t feel manipulated. Your boyfriend feeling that he can’t socialise with this other women, or that he isn’t in control of the situation is likely to be the cause of any resentment.

      If this woman does have inappropriate intentions or is being too forward then you want your boyfriend to feel like he is the one who understands the situation and is being decisive about it. If he feels that he is making decisions solely to appease any jealousy you might be feeling then there is likely to be at least some resistance and resentment.

      As I have suggested to several of the other people who have commented above, trying to befriend this other woman can sometimes help to not only understand the situation and her intentions better but also to feel more at ease and reassured with the dynamics of you being the girlfriend and her being just a friend.

      Let me know how things go and thanks again for reading the website. :)

      Sam

  78. Val says:

    Hopefully he’ll come around soon and be wiling to talk about it. We’ve been through situations like this where we wont talk for a while and then talk again later on about the problem when we are cooled down and stuff. It actually ends up better that way too.

    I have a problem with that though because I’m very impatient. Lol. When a problem arises I always want to fix it right away and with him he doesn’t do that because he’s the type that when he is angry, frustrated, whatever negative emotion he’s feeling he likes to take some time and really think about it before dealing with it. In a way I really wish I could do that because it would stop many of my irrational solutions and thoughts. Lol. Because in the moment I’ll be like oh no that’s it man I can’t take this I wanna give him an earful! But then later on realize that that reaction was not necessary.

    It’s only been 2 days since we last talked and I’m already all antsy. lol I’m trying my best to be patient though. Let him take the time he needs. I’m sure it isn’t easy for him either dealing with the miscarriage.

    I really thank you though your reply really cleared some more thoughts out of my head. And also has given me an idea of another way to approach this when he comes around. It really helps to know some outside opinion. I don’t have many people to confide in, in the first place.

    I think I’ll really try my best to get to know her better though, I just hope she is open to being friends with me as well. She’s a really intimidating person. Very assertive.

    Hopefully my boyfriend will come talk to me this weekend at least. If it takes any longer I’ll forget most of what I’ve learned and forget the method in which I wanted to deal with this. Thinking of writing it down though just in case.

    • Hello again,

      A lot of people find writing down their thoughts does help even if they never refer back to what they have written.

      It sounds like you are very level-headed about the whole situation and I agree it is a good idea to ensure your boyfriend has had his own amount of time to cool off and rationalise everything. Emotions can change daily so I would still think about ways to let him know that you are thinking of him. There is no harm in you being the one to instigate getting together to talk about things. He may even be hoping that you do.

      As for feeling impatient and wanting to sort things out immediately, the only tip I can give there is to keep yourself busy and take your mind off of it as best you can. Being in a positive state, free of frustration when you next see each other is probably the most important factor of all.

      Feel free to e-mail me through the website’s contact page whenever you want to. I do provide a priority e-mail service for a small fee but I reply to every e-mail I receive as soon as I can either way. :)

      Take care,

      Sam

  79. Joe says:

    I have a question if anyone can lend some advice. My GF and I are sociable, cordial people who often have social gatherings at her home. My GF is friends of a particular guys wife whom they attend gym spin classes together is how we all got acquainted. However, this friend’s husband on occasion whenever we invite them to come over feels the need when he first arrives to try to kiss my GF on her lips. During the period of time they are over, I have noticed he attempts to touch her in places that are border line (in my opinion) inappropriate. Not to mention, he makes lewd comments about having her take her top off to reveal her breasts on numerous occasions at dinner and right in front of me. My GF has done absolutely nothing to warrant him saying or acting in this manner. I have told him to go home if it continues and to be respectful. This is making me extremely irritable to the point that I no longer want to be associated with him. I am to the point of being angry and telling him off – Am I over reacting – any feed back would be greatly appreciated on how I should handle this.

    • Hey Joe,

      The first thing I would suggest, if you haven’t already, is to speak to your girlfriend in a casual manner about this other guy’s behaviour? If she also feels that his behaviour is inappropriate or uncomfortable (the fact that he is married to a mutual friend does make this seem likely) then she should perhaps state her reservations to this guy. The same messages coming directly from you are likely to be perceived as insecure, unfriendly and in a worst-case scenario, actually fuel any genuine attempts there might be to manipulate your relationship.

      Flirting whilst in a relationship can be harmless or it can be harmful and it is solely the intent behind the actions that determines which one it is. It is easy to confuse the two whilst viewing from the outside and that is something to be careful of.

      Speak to your girlfriend about it when you are next discussing a topic related to these friends and let her decide what is inappropriate. You can then help her resolve the situation if need be. At the end of the day, as a couple you can choose who you socialise with.

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  80. Josh says:

    Thanks for the article! The thing I struggle with the most is how I feel towards my girfriend after/during the flirting encounter. I feel like I want to just shut my girlfriend out, even just leave the place we’re at! It’s pretty much an urge just to close off to her and distance myself. Yet if she challenges me on it, I make out I’m ok because I know what I’m doing isn’t the best way of dealing with it. I find it difficult to fight it. Almost like I could just think “Screw her, she’s talking to someone I feel threatened by. I feel insecure about this, so I’ll just distance myself/ignore her as punishment”. Lol, do you get what I mean here? What are your thoughts on this? We do have a very healthy relationship, I’m just secretly very jealous!

    Thanks,

    Josh

    • Hey Josh,

      I know exactly what you mean. It’s very easy to become emotionally invested or even to misconstrue the nature of another interaction a girlfriend is having. Seeing the interaction for what it really is will be the first step to preventing feelings of jealousy.

      Women get hit on all the time and I actually view it as a positive trait if a woman can continually treat those guys politely and respectfully, within reason of course.

      As long as the boundaries in your relationship are clear and you trust each other, the emotional response of seeing her flirting (if indeed it is flirting) is merely an internal conflict.

      Next time you find yourself in the situation, perturbed by an interaction your girlfriend is having, try to counteract any negative emotional response by acting as if she hasn’t even had the interaction. Greet her positively and enthusiastically and see if she reciprocates. Often it only takes a small reframe of the situation such as that to convince those inner beliefs that there is actually nothing to get jealous about.

      Thanks for your comment,

      Sam

  81. Damen says:

    My GF broke up with me for this guy. She said we weren’t good for each other. I’m still kinda hung up about it. I mean we were perfectly fine and usually she would do all kind of things for me. We were PERFECT and then that guy comes along. At first she ignore him and told him to leave. How the hell did she end up with him?

    • Hi Damen,

      The reasons why she ended up with this other guy may be rational and obvious but they can equally be on an emotional level and not so easy to explain.

      At the end of the day, there will be something she is getting from this relationship that she was no longer getting with you. This could just be new and positive emotions so try not to dwell on it or take it too personally.

      If you can get some direct feedback from her then it may help to determine exactly what changed. If not then the best advice is to cherish and learn from what you did have and use it to find someone you like even more.

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  82. Jason says:

    Hello. Realy nice article. Just wanted to get your opinion on something. Me and my girlfriend like to drink ALOT. We go out to bars alot just to dance and have fun and get drunk ofcourse. What bothers me most is the jealousy around other men when im drunk while she is talking to other dudes. I will go up to them and meet them, be as nice as a drunk person can possibly be, but as soon as I am done greeting them I just want to find the closest beer bottle and shove it down their throats. I trust her enough to let her dance with any guy that asks her, eventhough her dancing style is kind of like a “under your clothes” kind of dance where she realy gets touchy-feely with a dude like she wants to climb down his pants. Its realy sexy :) so im gona feel like a jerk telling her she cant dance with anyone, but me ,just coz of the way she dances. Im strong enough to protect her when things get out of hand so I realy let her do whatever she wants. but damn its when the guys start grabbing cheeks, holding her like they know her for years and start making her drunk when I realy get annoyed and angry which pretty much ruins the entire night as I am somewhat of a “still water, deep ends” person. How do you think I can kill this jealousy? I mean I trust her with another man on the dancefloor, so wheres the stupid anger coming from? Hope I make sense hehe. Thanx :)

    • Hey Jason,

      Going to high-octane, social environments such as bars and clubs with your girlfriend requires the ultimate level of trust. There are going to be guys hitting on her all night, especially if she appears available on the dance floor.

      Alcohol slows down self-consciousness and effects rationalisation and decision making skills. What this means is that if deep down you feel even the slightest bit of insecurity or jealousy about your girlfriend dancing with other men, alcohol will heighten those feelings immensely.

      It sounds like you do have a high regard for your girlfriend, do trust her and that the issue is almost entirely aimed at these other guys. Unfortunately the guys aren’t doing too much wrong if they’re in an environment such as a bar or club, probably unaware if your girlfriend is single or not.

      If there are no apparent repercussions from these nights out then you’re right that she might not appreciate being told how and when to dance.

      There are a few practical solutions if you’re finding it hard to restrain feelings of jealousy, assuming you do trust your girlfriend. First is to simply disengage from the moment when anger is building and go and chat to some other people until she is done dancing. Second is to limit how much you drink during those particular moments, at least to experience how you feel when alcohol isn’t fuelling emotions. Lastly, you can explain to your girlfriend (at a separate time from the night out) that you don’t mind her dancing with other guys but that it does creep you out a bit when you feel other guys are taking advantage of her or becoming overtly sexual. Notice that when phrased like that it focuses on the other guys acting creepy rather than her leading them on.

      Thanks for commenting and I hope you stick around on the website,

      Sam

  83. Jason says:

    Hey Sam thanx for your reply bro. When I read my post again I actualy realised that the main issue is that I could be overpossesive over my girlfriend, like every other guy at a bar probably is. I guess I just feel offended by her in some way that she dances with other guys instead of just with me :). See what I mean. lol. On the other end, at the end of the night she leaves the bar with me and goes home with me no matter what happened so with that knowledge im not supposed to feel possesive.
    Well, like you said, alcohol raises even the slightest feeling of jealousy or insecurity.
    Guess we will just have to go out alot less. :)
    Thanx for the help Sam. Enjoy :P

    • You’re right that most guys would feel the same way and it’s perfectly normal to have those feelings. There’s a fine line between being protective of a girlfriend and being over-possessive. The first is actually an attractive ‘alpha male’ trait, so it is just a case of making sure it never becomes unwarranted or over-possessive like you mention.

      That’s a great mindset to have by the way, where you say “at the end of the night she leaves the bar with me”. That puts it all into perspective. :)

      Take it easy,

      Sam

  84. John Carx says:

    I say if your GF has male friends, then you should have female friends. The way I see it, put her in the positions she puts you in, and see how she likes the relationship. She clubs and parties, and hangs with men? So you club and party, and hang with women. Then look at that relationship.. whats the point if your going to be acting single and mingling with the opposite sex all the time?? Seems like you havnt TRULY found someone whos attention only matters to you, cuz then you wouldnt need friends of the opposite sex because you have found the fullfillment of that opposite sex in your mate.

    Im not trying to brag, but i get hit on alot, im 19 and in college and play football, and women of all ages hit on me everyday. My gf is cute, she gets hit on too. When i met her, she was also one of the MANY girls now a days who all of a sudden think its much cooler to hang with guys than girls. Im a guy, and im not gay. I know a guys intentions around females. Your her friend now yeah, if your not gay though, and shes breaks up with her bf or argues, and shes running to another guy? How would it look, or better yet women, how would you feel if we argued or broke up and im running to my female friends?

    I hear all the time that women just want attention well then guys we want attention too. I want women to tell me everyday im cute so i know im not getting old.I wanna club and party with my friends and drink oh but im in a relationship right, why do i need ANY OTHER FEMALES attention period? My gf attention is all that matters to me in this world, and mine should be to her. weve been together for about 2 yrs. If she needs other guys attention, and wants tohang with other guys, then obviously her plate isnt filled when it comes to love, and she can find another bf. Just liek if i told her some BS like i just want female attention, i just wanna know i look good, then you would feel inferior to the masses so whats the point?

    • Hey John,

      I see where you are going with your first point and I agree that there should never be any double standards in a relationship. Both people should equally be able to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex. Where it becomes tricky is regarding how platonic those friendships truly are and also respecting the relationship you are in.

      You say that you get a lot of attention from women yourself, which means you probably have a better idea than most men about how a woman feels when men interact with her. Namely, recognising the point where someone is undoubtedly flirting with you. Even with this knowledge, I guarantee that an attractive woman encounters those scenarios far more frequently and with far more agenda than we do. A lot of men struggle to express their sexual desires around women, which makes the situation far more ambiguous.

      There are many reasons for having friends of the opposite sex whilst in a happy relationship that go beyond simply being a more rounded and social person. You’re right that a boyfriend can give his woman all the attention and validation she could ever want; the problem is that it is biased validation! I can tell my girlfriend that she looks stunningly beautiful and it will garner a very different but equally positive reaction if a passing stranger says the exact same thing to her.

      If you are in a mutually fulfilling relationship, it is of no benefit to ever think of members of the opposite sex as competition or potential ‘back-up’ options. If a woman ends up getting with a friend after a break-up, it is a direct result of the negative aspects of the old relationship rather than a conscious plan of unfaithfulness that had been brewing.

      Thanks for commenting and adding some new thoughts into the discussion,

      Sam

  85. Henry says:

    Hey there.

    Thanks for the post. It gave me a new light to how to deal with things such as jealousy.

    I’m really new to relationships and stuff, and am currently going out with this girl that I really like. I haven’t gotten to read all of this stuff, but it really helps as to see how jealousy affects relationships. To be honest, I’ve probably encountered such situations.

    There was a time when I was with all these guys and she was basically the only female. I just sat back and tried to see if the problem would resolve itself. Except, I think that it made it worse. Thanks for everything, I see how I should approach such situations lol. Inexperience I guess.

    I mean, I trust her a ton and such, but we talked about our relationship and we just wanna take it chill and fun, but after a few weeks, I think we’re going deeper and deeper. Thanks!

    • Hey Henry,

      Relationships are a constant learning process and no one is an expert from the off. Whenever you find yourself in a situation that tests the relationship in some way (such as causing jealousy), the main priority is to stay in a positive and calm mood whilst working out how to deal with it. Over time the positivity will become default and the best ways to deal with each situation will become learnt.

      It’s great that you both want to take things chill and keep the relationship fun. As long as the deeper feelings are mutual then it’s fine to gradually become more serious as it were.

      Thanks for reading and enjoy browsing around.

      Sam

  86. Unsure says:

    Greetings! My partner was in an abusive relationship before she got with me. She is the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend. We have a great relationship. The biggest problem is her ex still trying to be in her life. The ex has been blocked on all the social networks but still sends messages to my gf saying “talk to me” and “remember when we did this” and so forth. he tries to talk to my gf when they see each other on campus and has hugged her against her will a couple of times. The ex is in a new relationship and for some reason, even though they treated my gf so terribly and they had a tumultous relationship is still trying to talk with her and remind her of their relationship. He will go back on old FB posts and “like”all their old messages and “like” all her pics on FB. When I say abusive I mean physically, and verbally/emotionally to the point where my ex retaliated one time and is now having to take anger management classes, even though it should have been the other way around. That relationship really messed up my gf, she was really depressed and developed anxiety and low self esteem because of it. She is happy now and when the ex emails/messages her she just ignores it. Its hard because we all live in the same small city and our group of friends is all overlapped. We see the ex lots of places we go. It has been a source of great stress in our relationship, possibly the biggest. I guess I have lots of insecurities about it since this very same “ex” never stopped bothering my “ex” about getting back with them, and this is a big reason why we broke up. It was in the end for the best because I ended up with who I was supposed to end up with. When me and my current gf first started dated this ex physically pushed us at a bar that they saw us at. anyways. its a pain in my ass. im super insecure about it and scared that their advances will win back my gf. I feel like they will never be out of my life. Today we were all tagged by a mutual friend in a facebook post that has a music video that says something about “tell your gf to stop calling me” and stuff. The ex reblogged the lyrics, implying that my gf is the one who is calling and harassing them. Usually I dont stoop down to their level, but ignoring them is obviously not stopping. I always wanna keep it classy and levels above them, but I am thinking of commenting with the following post:

    This jam is aight but I much prefer the “youmakeitseemlikeshestheonecallingyoubutreally itsyouandeverybodyknowsit,youabusivecrazyharassingstalkerandeverytimeyousendher somethingsheshowsmeandallwedoislaughandlaughathowpatheticyouare” song. Yep that right there’s the jam.

    I dont know? Is this childish? I agree that FB “fighting” is cowardly and dumb, but this is where they are doing the majority of their harassing.

    Advice on what to do? Should I post it or should I lay off?

    • Hi,

      Firstly, I would strongly recommend against sending that message or any message similar. Like you say, you do not want to stoop down to this guy’s level. The best form of revenge is indifference. That is, if he is actively trying to get a rise out of you, then by you seeming unaffected, you automatically have the higher ground. If he is doing it for reasons not directly aimed at you, then you convey a whole host of insecurities by reacting in that way. Either way, not replying or replying maturely and confidently is by far the best option.

      As for this guy’s behaviour in general, it does sound extremely immature and disrespectful. If ignoring it is proving too difficult then it is for you to decide whether to be direct and call him on his behaviour. Doing so would probably have the biggest impact if said by either your girlfriend or a mutual friend, as it will come across as more impartial and sincere.

      What is perhaps more important though is realising that his behaviour is not a threat to your relationship and you can’t be directly responsible for other people’s actions. When ignoring someone in an instance like this, it isn’t about constantly restraining yourself from reacting, it is about changing your whole mindset towards everything they do: have sympathy for the guy, not fear. Support your girlfriend if she is ever feeling uncomfortable and show her through actions how much better her relationship with you is.

      In the meantime, if you see a message or tagged media on Facebook from him and you can’t think of a confident and respectful way to respond at the time, simply ignore it and do something to take your mind off it.

      Thanks for writing,

      Sam

  87. John says:

    My girlfriend is the love of my life, my soulmate. I am literally nothing without her and we love each other very much. We are both rather protective over one another (due to poor previous relationships and other psychological problems) we have been together a year and half, but the other night she attended Prom and nearly everyone was hitting on her. There’s shit all over Facebook and I’ve heard rather disgusting and upsetting comments that people have said about her. Most of all, it really gets to me. I get next to nothing attention from any opposite sex, and all of sudden my girlfriend has been ‘creamed’ over by many people (who I disliked previously). I need help and someone to speak to, hence why I posted this comment. It would help me a lot if you gave me some advice what to do and how to deal with situations like this, Thank you. x

    • Hey John,

      It’s great that you’re in such a loving relationship and that you adore your girlfriend so much. I know I’m picking on specific phrasing but saying that you are “nothing without her” does allude to a sense of dependency or a fear of losing your girlfriend. Those are the sorts of mindsets that lead to feelings of insecurity, such as the prom incident you describe.

      You say that you have a mutual understanding with your girlfriend and that you both have a protective nature towards each other. Consequently, I would say discussing these feelings privately, confidently and directly with your girlfriend would help to understand where you are both coming from.

      As for practical advice, one of the best things to learn in a long-term relationship is how to reframe troubling situations as positive. If you think about it, it’s actually a great compliment to you that so many other guys find your girlfriend attractive (and are probably jealous that she is spoken for). She chooses to be with you and only a negative change in your behaviour will affect that.

      If other people’s comments ever really step over the line and become abusive then that is when you might have to step in and help your girlfriend diffuse the situation. Until then, simply ignore any comments you don’t like; they are extrinsic to your relationship and only you can make them intrinsic to the relationship by reacting badly and making them a bigger deal than they really are.

      All the best,

      Sam

  88. John says:

    Thanks Sam, I already dealt with the situation a few days ago and it’s all sorted now. I already did use the advice you listed, took a step back and looking at it from a different perspective. Thank you very much, continue doing good work :)

  89. Hanaa says:

    Hi there, i haven’t read all of the threads etc but i really need help and advice with the current situation I find myself in. There’s this trainer at gym, who i don’t even train with that felt the need to touch me or put hs hand on me or arm around me whenever he’d butt into a convo i was having a friend of his, i got a bit irritated because it was uncomfortable and I would pull away and tell him to stop and leave me alone. I told my boyfriend about this and he wasn’t phased at all because hs not one to get jealous, so it happened again and eventually i had to tell hs friend to tell him to leave me alone and since then hs left me alone. Yesterday at gym however some other guy just decided to pick me up and i got such a shock i didn’t say anything and called out to my friend standing nearby and she witnessed this and asked if i was ok and the guy very quickly put me down and walked away, my boyfriend happened to be at gym and i told him immediately and then we got into an argument about the fact that that guy did that, I didnt know he was going to do it but my bf is now blaming me that maybe i’m too over friendly and that I must’ve done something to make him think its ok to do that, which is not true because i made it very clear that i have a boyfriend who i love very much and all they had to say was that i dont have a ring on my finger so that means nothing and then he brought up the other issue about the other guy touching me…but you see when i told him about it many times before i was hoping that he would help me out and confront the idiot but all my bf had to say was ” why should I, you need to look after yourself”…but i’m really annoyed at the moment because now hs going on about how disappointed he is that this guy randomly decided to lift me up at gym, I didnt know he was going to do that. But he said that its all my fault and i told him if i was encouraging it then i would not have said anything to him, but i tell him everything and he’s still mad at me and says that hs going to break up with me if it happens again. What do i do?? he keeps saying that i didnt try hard enough, but i did and he wasn’t there for me, he told me to do it myself and i did but that didnt stop those guys until i told someone else. He says that hs not a jealous controlling asshole? but i’m having a hard time understanding this.

    • Hi Hanaa,

      When it comes to relationships, there’s nothing more demoralising that misplaced distrust. As I’ve said in some of the above responses, the acts of accidently leading someone on and leading someone on with intent are vastly different.

      There are ways that you can be more decisive towards the guys being inappropriate around you, such as letting them know when they’ve overstepped one of your boundaries, without being rude. Most guys will be respectful towards your social comfort levels, especially if they know you have a boyfriend. Without intending to stereotype too harshly, the gym is one place that does have guys who believe they are ‘alpha’ whilst not necessarily being socially intelligent or savvy. It may be a case of you having to be more blatant when communicating that you dislike certain behaviour towards you.

      Perhaps more important than any of the above though, is being more decisive with your boyfriend. You say that he is not one to get jealous but his behaviour does display a lack of understanding and empathy towards the situation.

      Make sure he knows that although these guys might overstep the mark or get the wrong idea occasionally, there is certainly no intent on your behalf and that he can trust you. It is often difficult for guys to fully understand a role-reversal, as men typically do not get as much unwarranted attraction, so try to help him to see it from your perspective.

      A somewhat drastic step would be to change gyms and start from scratch, trying to communicate decisiveness and respect with the new people there. This step shouldn’t be necessary though if you can help your boyfriend in empathising with the situation and trusting you more.

      Thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

    • Hanaa says:

      Hi Sam

      Thanks so much for your advice :) Its helps getting a male’s perspective on a situation such as mine. I have been ignoring these guys at gym, however actually stopped one of them from inappropriately poking me in the stomach the other night, since i’ve had enough, and like you suggested I was blatant about it and he backed off immediately and walked away. What i’ve also been doing is going to gym at times when I know they won’t be on duty. I considered going to see management at one point, however that might’ve resulted in them getting fired, since they’re not actually supposed to touch you, unless you’ve asked them for help whilst exercising. But I haven’t had the chance to bring up the issue with my bf again, but when we last spoke about he mentioned that he knows that i won’t allow it to happen again and that he needs to know that I can take care of myself when he’s not around, which I understand and he does trust me.

      but thanks again Sam! I’m really glad that I found your website :)

    • You’re very welcome. :) I’m glad you’ve sorted it all out. Hopefully these guys will have got the message now and it won’t be something you have to concern yourself over again.

      I look forward to hearing from you in the future when I post more articles. :)

      Take care,

      Sam

  90. Robert says:

    Hey, my gf just admitted that she likes the feeling of being hit on by other guys and wants to be able to have more friends that are guys in her circle. I said that it was fine and asked her if she would like to break off the relationship so that she can be single to enjoy that but she replied by saying that she cant let me go she just likes that she is getting hit on and wants more friends. Does she really mean it or do you think she means something else?

    • Hey Robert,

      There could be underlying motives to what your girlfriend said but it could equally be a transparent and open suggestion. There’s even the possibility that she is hinting that she wants more attention or validation from you.

      Assuming she does just want a more fun and active social life, you could actually be the one to go out and meet these new people with her. If done in the right way, with confidence and no jealousy, it would certainly reassure you that she’s meeting the right sort of guys and that they’re aware of her relationship with you.

      Other than that, you should allow your girlfriend to meet new guys if she wants to but you may need to set some specific boundaries for the relationship. For example, you may be fine with her dancing with other guys but let her know what would be “too far” in your opinion.

      Thanks for your question,

      Sam

  91. Daniel Johnson says:

    hi man,your site is very helpful..but ,me and my girl of 3 weeks and a half,has had a healthy relationship,we have so much in common.i havent been a relationship ina while and neither have her.
    she havent been good with relationships and neither have her.
    my parents are pastors,and her mom is a preacher.
    i had dreams of moving to atlanta,and without me EVER mentioning to her,she told me she wanted to move to atlanta,and thats her dream city.
    the only thing we dont have in common,is friends,cause she has a LOTTTA friends,male and female,and very popular,and i dont really have a numerous amount of friends.
    also she supports me alot,and i feel like shes mature.but my question and my concern is,i have this major trust for my girl,and i love her a lot.We are taking this really slow,and we met,kinda like love at first sight.But she is going to college next week at the university of missouri,outta town.i live in louisiana.this is her 2nd year,and i told her i have faith that this relationship will be strong and long.How can i keep this relationship going over long distance..before she goes outta town,to college,where you get expierience?she also told me that shes a virgin,and i am too,and we want each other to be our first.im kinda worried,cause shess attractive like you said,and she gonna be living with a roomate of a female.but she likes to drink and she likes house parties..thats my concern.i been getting a lot of talk about its over.but i feel like,where theres a will,theres a way.And my trust for her is strong,i told her when she go to missouri,to be careful with all the good body and face she has.i told her to have fun,trying to show her that i trust her,and i told her,i wont cheat on her,.cause im honestly not that good with girls,but ima very good looking guy.But i need your help man,what can i do to block my mind of jealousy,and she seems like she can be faithful,she was around me,when my friend tried to hit on her,she didnt play that.She also explained to me,that she has a lotta guyfriends,and that she has ones who are like real close brothers to her.then she has the ones who try and hit on her,but she told me,she tells them,that they are friends and nothing more,once again,i trust her hugely.am i doing the right thing man?and can this relationship work out long distance,even though college is an experienced thing,then her being outta town not around her for 3 months?she told me she wished we couldve met earlier,but i told her,to go with the flow,and that everything happens for a reason..im very concerned though..not gut feelings,i just know she likes to have fun and stuff sometimes,she told me she dont drink that much outta town either like she does out here.she comes sees me pretty often,and she leaves and 3 days.
    Help man!!please respond

    Thanks

    • Hey Daniel,

      This is a setup that I can relate to quite well. My girlfriend went off to University not long after we first met and we had to deal with a lot of the things you describe.

      Although your girlfriend will indeed be back in a completely different social setting and will also most likely get hit on more often, trusting her is in essence the same as back home. Your girlfriend actually sounds pretty clued up with social dynamics and the way she describes her various male friends. Hence, a lot of the success of your relationship will be down to how well you communicate with each other whilst apart.

      That communication entails balancing what you talk about and how you express your feelings to each other. You want her know that you miss her although you aren’t needy or lonely with her away, but also spend equal time embracing her experience and getting excited about hearing her stories from college.

      It is common for guys in your situation to get jealous or show disinterest when she talks about her social life or mentions other guys. Now is the time to show you are above that and something more important to her than any of the relationship games that will no doubt be going on around her.

      If you’re able to visit her during her time away that would obviously help the relationship, plus help ease any trust issues you might have. If you aren’t able to visit then do what you can to keep the relationship exciting and start thinking about the things you can do together when she returns, once again so she knows that her time with you is just as special, if not more so, than her college experience.

      One of the main things you will have to do from day to day is keep the relationship in perspective. It’s likely that she’ll be out a lot and that her days will be hectic and busy. If you’re having a quiet day yourself, it might be tempting to overanalyse what she might be getting up to or try and contact her too much. During those times, put your mind towards making the next phone-call you have together both fun and endearing and think clearly before sending any message that might come across as jealous, needy or unloving.

      Good luck and thanks for writing,

      Sam

  92. William Smith says:

    Hi, I’m finding your site really interesting, so hoped you’d be able to help me out. I have been going out with my gf for around a year now, and we both couldn’t be more in love with each other. She is stunning, and thus gets alot of attention while out, even being stared at while grocery shopping. I find this difficult to deal with, yet i appreciate what you say about how one should feel pride in this. She also gets hit on alot when out partying, and i find it hard to relax when if she is out with her friends when i am not. The thing is I trust her whole heatedly not to do anything with anyone else, but she can be quite naive sometimes and I worry that she could be lead into situations without realising it, particularly due to the fact she is very nice to everyone and is quite insecure about her appearance so loves attention she receives from attractive men. In addition, she says she feels bad ignoring or telling people to go away, even if they are clearly hitting on her (this is only usually the case if they are attractive though) and she is not that forthcoming with telling them she is in a relationship. A prime example of this is when she was on holiday for a week with her friends, they met up with some guys (who she described as ‘so cute and innocent’) on a few nights, which she had arranged by texting one of them quite alot, I found out when she returned that she didnt tell them she had a boyfriend and nor did one of her other friends in a relationship. I know nothing happened but it did still make me angry.

    One guy in particular, who is supposed to be in my group of friends, tries talking to her alot over facebook and by texting her. Before we were together it was no secret that he liked her, they even kissed at a party once, and they even went to the cinema together around the same sort of time we were getting together. When we started going out, they immediatly stopped speaking to each other for about a month, after they had a conversation along the lines of him asking where they stood, and him saying he thought they had something, she did tell him no and that they were just friends. However after about a month they started talking like they used to online and texting each other all the time. Alot of what he says is clearly flirting. I made her aware that I was not happy but despite her seeing how upset it made me it didnt seem to change much up until about a month ago when she realised and stopped texting him or starting conversations with him (she would still reply and talk to him if he started the conversation, because she claimed she felt bad ignoring him). When i was on holiday for a week last week, they started talking constantly all week, with him trying to claim how much i’ve changed her and how she’s not as fun as she used to be, and about how he had such a lovely time that time they went to the cinema. I felt a little betrayed that she would do this while i was away and felt as though she was doing it behind my back. I made my feelings known and we have decided (although not explicitly said it) that she will not speak to him any more. I’ve always told her that this is not what i wanted in the past, but I think we’ve both agreed that this is the best course of action. I would like to raise the issue with him, but i feel it will cause a rift in our friendship group and don’t want that to happen. He is the only person out of our group that I wouldn’t trust further than i can throw him (and he’s quite fat so it wouldn’t be that far). She has always claimed that she does not see him at all in a sexual way, in her words ‘he’s fat and just John’. But that doesn’t change it for me, it’s the fact that he is clearly flirting with her, which he thinks he’s doing behind my back and she just goes along with it, despite the fact she knows that i will read their conversation.

    She also says she finds it hard to show her true feelings to me, and it is rare that she initiates kissing me or telling me she loves me (she will always say she loves me when i say it first though) although i think this might be due to her being an only child. This only heightens my annoyance when she tells other guys she loves them (in a jokey way) despite me knowing there is no substance behind it and it is no more than a figure of speech.

    We love each other very much and if anyone ever tries anything she tells me and even lets me read the conversations from this guy, and lets me read her texts. This is practically the only thing we ever argue about, and i don’t want to get annoyed about it, but i just can’t help it. I feel i need to get over this soon as we are starting at the same university next month and i know it is going to get 10 times worse.

    I’ll be interested in hearing your angel on it, regards William

    • William Smith says:

      Just to add to this, I have presented it to her as, how would she feel if it was the other way round and I was always texting one of her friends, and she even got very angry on one night out because i spent too much time with two of her friends (although it was probably the alcohols fault). She has said outright that she wouldnt like it, yet this doesnt/didnt effect her actions.

    • Hey William,

      That’s great that you’re in a loving relationship and a lot of the issues you describe are based purely around perception.

      If your girlfriend has had to deal with excessive attention from men throughout her life, she has no doubt established her own methods for dealing with that attention. These will be methods that are difficult for men or less physically attractive women to fully relate to.

      You say that you find it hard to relax when she is socialising and you are not with her. Unless she has ulterior motives (it seems very unlikely in your case), she will act in a similar way with regards to socialising whether you are there or not. What this means is that your presence being a defence against how she deals with advances from other men is merely a perception.

      You definitely don’t want to discourage her positive social attributes such as politeness and generally being a warm, friendly person. They are great traits to have, part of her whole identity and not a reflection of her relationship status.

      A woman will only intentionally mention her boyfriend outside of general conversation if she feels that a boundary has been crossed (a man making it far more obvious of his intentions for example). At other times, neglecting to mention that she is in a relationship is not intended to be disrespectful but simply viewed as unnecessary.

      Whilst you don’t want to restrict her socialising or contacting certain men because of jealousy or fear, you can help her to not give other guys the wrong impression. If you feel it is relevant, you can explain to her how easy it is for men to misinterpret friendliness as attraction or flirting. If she is like a lot of women, she knows what could be viewed as flirting, but doesn’t necessarily know how a man might perceive it at times when there is no intent on her behalf. Ultimately, if you think she does unintentionally lead guys on then frame it as being unfair on the other guy, not as being unfair on you!

      As for this friend who seems to flirt with her a lot, I would recommend not getting too personally involved in the situation, and certainly not letting his words affect how you approach your relationship. Concentrate on making your relationship awesome and this guy’s comments will only ever seem desperate or needy.

      The way she has described her friendship with him makes this even more apparent; I really wouldn’t worry too much about anything happening. Let him flirt with her if he must (you can’t actually stop it whilst it is innocent without making yourself look bad) and as the main article says, take pride that you are the man she chooses to be with! If he knows that his ‘flirting’ isn’t actually getting him anywhere and your relationship is rock solid, this whole situation is likely to blow over after a while and there should be no hard feelings.

      With regards to your girlfriend finding it hard to show her true feelings to you, this is true for a lot of women, even if they are perfectly comfortable in a relationship. The important point is that your girlfriend does actually show her feelings when prompted and that they seem sincere. You can encourage her to be more affectionate with you and validate her when she does so, but it’s actually a healthy setup for the man to be the more dominant figure in the relationship. It is also common for women to tell male friends that they “love” them. There is a big difference between the love for friends and the love for a romantic partner though and the difference in sentiment and delivery should be obvious and not something that invokes jealousy.

      Overall, it sounds like you have a great relationship and it’s simply a case of accepting the natural social skills your girlfriend has and realising that they don’t devalue or even directly affect your relationship in any way.

      You’re correct that all of these scenarios will be heightened when you are both at University. Whilst you are there you will have to be even more accepting of the diverse social setups and make an untold effort to not let the relationship become too intense or stressful.

      Thanks for getting involved with the website,

      Sam

  93. Tom says:

    Is it right for me to not want my gal to go to clubs/parties? and to not drink at those places?

    • Hey Tom,

      It really depends on the reasoning behind those thoughts. If it is an issue of trust or a fear of having a lack of control then understand that those feelings are not directly caused by her going out and drinking. Those are personal issues that are solved by creating a happy and honest relationship with each other.

      If you needlessly restrict aspects of your girlfriend’s life, it is only going to cause resentment. The irony is that the more freedom and warranted trust you give to your girlfriend, the less likely she is to disrespect it. You can even make her aware of some of your concerns (if done in an endearing and secure manner) and she should act to reassure you when she does go out.

      If your girlfriend is regularly risking her safety and wellbeing as a result of going out then perhaps there are more caveats. Otherwise, if you read through some of the previous questions and answers, you will find information on several similar questions and from guys in similar situations.

      Take care,

      Sam

  94. Daniel says:

    Hello I don’t think I am overly jealous as a boyfriend, but I am in my longest relationship I have ever had which is only four months and I am still trying to deal with getting jealous. I have a few thing that cause me problems I trust her but the last time I tried date someone I caught them cheating (long story really don’t want to get into it) so while I trust my girlfriend I have a bit of reflex now ( I don’t like it) Also I am her first relationship( I will point out she is 19 and I am 21 don’t know if that matters or is weird) and she just started going to University and I am wondering how she will handle guys hitting on her and meeting tons of new people and parties and stuff. She does at times purposly make me jealous I think its just to tease me and boost her confidence a bit(I asked her if that is what she was trying to do and she just does her little blush smirk thing when you are right and she just doesn’t want to admit it) I think my jealous has more to do with me being afraid of what would happen if we where to break up cause she cheated on my not that I think she will just afraid of the feeling cause I know from experience it sucks, but it could be some thing else. So what I think I am trying to ask how do I deal with theses aspects of my jealousy in way that won’t cause problems between us? P.S. if you could also answer me this while this is both her and mines longest and in her case first relationship she and I will admit me to wonder if we are moving at normal or to fast pace in development of our relationship and we don’t have and similar friends or couples we know to base ours off of and I know only go as fast as we feel comfortable and we have talked about but we feel comfortable about it but there is the block like if other people where to know how far we are into our relationship would they think oh that to fast or something. I know it bothers her more so how would we deal with that with out causing to much stress? You don’t have to answer this but if you could thank you please?

    • Hey Daniel,

      The fact that you are your girlfriend’s first proper relationship can actually be used to your advantage in this situation. You should be able to give her more freedom and help set up some mutual boundaries, not influenced by past relationships of hers. Obviously in your case, you have to do your own mental training to not be influenced by your past relationships, especially in the case where you caught your ex-girlfriend cheating.

      As for her seeming to purposefully make you jealous, this is not uncommon behaviour, especially if she is new to relationships. This sort of behaviour is generally used as a method for testing your commitment and to seek validation. One way to view it is as her conveying that she wants more amorous attention from you but try not to buy into or reward the behaviour too much if it becomes relentless.

      As for the final part of your question, I can’t remember where I wrote about it before but a relationship is only “moving too fast” if your feelings, attraction for each other, or personal desires are out of sync. There are no set timeframes for what stage a relationship should be at, as long as it is continually progressing and with mutual levels of attraction and commitment.

      Reassure your girlfriend that you like her just as much as she likes you and ignore anyone else’s opinion on those specifics.

      Coincidently, this is also part of the solution in keeping your girlfriend committed to the relationship whilst she is away at University. The only reason she would be tempted to cheat is if the people she is meeting and potential romances there are ‘better’ than her relationship with you. If you keep the relationship fun, alluring and loving in any way you can, then your feelings for each other shouldn’t change. It sometimes takes considerable self-control to do this without becoming jealous, envious or needy, and those are things you have to prevent projecting onto the relationship.

      Thanks for getting visiting the website,

      Sam

  95. Nate says:

    Hello I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. I trust my girlfriend alot and I love her. I just don’t really trust all the guys she hangs out with. My girlfriend and my friends don’t get along real well they argue and try and make each other mad because my friends have said some things they would do with her kinda joking around with her there I’ve talked to my friends about not Doing that in front of her. But she still doesn’t get along. My girlfriend goes camping alot and she meets guys all the time and they txt her I don’t care about that it’s that when I’m with her they always txt her even when she doesn’t reply back and they hit on her o well but they also tell her things that my friends did and she hates them for that but the guys I’m not friends with or don’t know she doesn’t get mad at and she just keeps txting them it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to get angry about so I act like it didn’t happen what should I do sense it does bug me and make me mad? Thanks

    • Hi Nate,

      Trust is something that develops through building a connection and understanding with someone. Trusting your girlfriend and trusting the men that she interacts with are two separate issues. That is why I often suggest befriending the other guys in your girlfriend’s life, as it builds that connection and understanding directly with them.

      The important thing in this instance though is not how much you trust these other guys but how much your girlfriend does and how she then communicates that back to you.

      As has been written about in some of the comments above, if your girlfriend is sociable then she is inevitably going to get attention from other men. Her texting back and forth with them is only a problem if she is intentionally leading them on.

      As for your friends not getting on with your girlfriend that well, I’ve always found that being an instigator for them socialising and viewing each other as friends as opposed to just “your girlfriend” can help them bond. The last thing you want is friction between your girlfriend and your close friends.

      Think about what it is that makes your girlfriend treat your friends differently to these other guys. You don’t want to control her social life, but you can certainly influence who she gets on with and how she responds to guys that are hitting on her by being calm and rational when giving her ‘advice’.

      Thanks for visiting the website,

      Sam

  96. Dante says:

    Hi Samuel. I was wondering if you had some advice for me.

    My girlfriend is currently doing volunteer work overseas. We are very much in love and I COMPLETELY trust her. She basically tells me everything that happens to her because she trust me and appreciates my perspective and my advice. Well, recently she started telling me stories about all the men that are hitting on her and how they STILL hit on her when they realize that she is taken. She doesn’t tell me all this to “show off” or to show that she is desirable. She simply wants to share her experiences with me and this just happens to be one of her experiences.

    Well, initially I thought I wouldn’t mind hearing about these stories but now after hearing a bit too many of them, I realize it is making me angry and frustrated. These feelings do NOT stem from the fact that I don’t trust her. There are several reasons I think.

    First, I think it bothers me that being in a relationship apparently means nothing to them (even the american guys). Second, I just do not enjoy the imagery I get in my head every time she describes these situations. it makes me bitter and angry and I imagine their dirty stares, intentions.. their lustful eyes.. etc

    I think the must frustrating part is the fact that I KNOW these idiots would NOT try any of this if I were standing next to her or physically present nearby. Their cowardice and taking advantage of the fact that I am far away angers me even further. So, in the end, it’s just a whole giant mess of negative emotions and thoughts in my head.

    As a result, I have asked her NOT to share these stories with me anymore unless the situation is SERIOUS or she needs advice on figuring out how to diffuse a situation or to decipher whether a guy is actually hitting on her OR simply trying to be friends and being professional. In these situations, I WANT to help out and talk to her, give her advice, and be supportive. But I have told her that if it’s OBVIOUS that a guy is hitting on her, I just do not want to hear about it.

    Do you think I made the right decision here? I know that she wants to talk about her problems and what is happening to her but I just get too frustrated when I hear these stories. Should I just suck it up and let her tell me whatever she feels like? Should I not put restrictions like this and caveats?

    Thanks for any advice you might have for me!

    • Hi Dante,

      This is an interesting twist on dealing with your girlfriend getting hit on. You sound extremely clued up about the dynamics of your relationship and it seems like a simple reframing of the situation would help you.

      In instances like this, you can’t change other guys who persistently hit on taken women; you can only change how their actions affect you!

      It is actually commendable that your girlfriend shares stuff like that with you, as she obviously rates your self-esteem and empathy highly. The problem with asking her specifically to not tell you certain things is that you restrict her own desires and comfort levels in the relationship. In addition to that, you may find yourself still creating the imagery, only this time without any truth behind it at all.

      A better way to deal with it rather than a verbal restriction is to simply guide the conversation away when things become too intense. You can tell your girlfriend at the time that you don’t need all the details but that you do appreciate her being open and honest with you. The fact that she is overseas at the moment could be a factor in why she wants to tell you so much and you definitely don’t want to push her away.

      The way you describe your relationship and your girlfriend’s attitude towards everything at the beginning of your comment makes your relationship sound very healthy. Most guys would love their girlfriend to feel so at ease sharing those sorts of experiences with them. By limiting the details rather than the content of these discussions, hopefully you can prevent creating or dwelling on the imagery that it creates, whilst keeping your relationship as fulfilling as it is.

      Thanks for visiting Sparklife.info,

      Sam

  97. Alex says:

    Hey Sam, your advice is priceless and I really hope you are pursuing some sort of side or actual career doing this type of work. You are really someone I aspire to be as far as coolness and composure, but lately i’ve been tripping up a lot and I feel like sometimes I can never take back or go to a place where I can start anew as someone less jealous/more trusting.

    regardless, just a couple of questions. My gf and I have been dating for a year. totally in love and its awesome. we have had tough times but that doesnt change how great our relationship can be.

    1) I stay with my gf at nights and have a really long commute to work in the morning. on the other hand my gf does work from home and gets to relax a lot throughout the day. When I get home, I am beat, tired, exhausted. up till last week I would ALWAYS go out with my girl whenever she wanted to get home, even though we get back so late that it affects my punctuality and attendance at work. so last week I said, its ok please go out and call me if you need a ride. My gf went out with people who we know but they arent like our best friends. They are our male gay friends and they all went out to a gay club. She got really drunk at the beginning of the night and her texts became increasingly worrying. one talked about how drunk she was and how she was taking shots (something she doesnt usually do). Another was how she fell on top of some people, and the last was about how some guy wanted to fuck her. it was hard for me to be at home getting these texts. I appreciated her keeping me updated, but it was hard to know I wasnt there to take care of her in her drunken stupor and that nobody there was really keeping an eye out for her either. She ended up asking me to pick her up, and she was so wasted. I came off as upset and told her about the texts and how it was really hard to hear that stuff while i couldnt really do anything. I dont know what to do. she is younger than me and I dont want to make her feel like she cant go out and get really drunk and experience all the stupid silly things that happen when you are drunk, but its so hard to hear those things. The next day she says she didnt remember a lot of what happened. she assured me nothing had happened, and i believe her. I cant stop doing “what ifs” in my head about her being out one night and drunkenly making out with someone or something. i trust her but when someone is drunk and they have no idea whats going on then what can you do? I also dont want to feel like a babysitter or like i have to be there with her everytime, even though she seems like she would want this. is it possible she did all this to teach me a lesson to not let her go out alone anymore? thats crazy right? please help!

    • Hey Alex,

      Thanks for your opening compliments. Although it may seem easier to start anew sometimes, the actual lessons learnt from dealing with various relationship pitfalls are invaluable. I only got to the level I am at with regards to always being composed and secure by positively reframing my experiences and constantly challenging my beliefs. Past behaviour in a relationship is easily forgotten if you are constantly striving to be your best self and the best boyfriend you can possibly be.

      Getting to the situation in question, going out and getting drunk is a phase that a lot of people go through. On the one hand, your girlfriend should be praised for keeping you in the loop and her texting you actually shows she is thinking of you. Perhaps you could let her know how better to rephrase her endeavours so they don’t create such unfavourable imagery.

      Alcohol lowers inhibitions and emphasises emotions but it does not influence one’s disposition towards cheating. The fact that your girlfriend is texting you whilst all those things are happening actually reinforces that she is somewhat in control of the situation.

      Whilst letting her discover her own limits with regards to drinking is a noble thing to do, you do want to make sure that she is in safe hands (with responsible friends) and never at risk of being taken advantage of.

      Rather than dwelling on “what ifs”, instead ask “why would that happen”, at which point I would refer back to being the best boyfriend you can be and acknowledging your girlfriend’s disposition towards being faithful, regardless of alcohol.

      As such, I do not think your girlfriend is purposefully trying to teach you a lesson. It does help to learn to read the subtext of when she is trying to tell you something though, which differs between women. It is far better to think of her texts as a signal of trust rather than an implication of any sinister activity.

      Thanks for visiting the website,

      Sam

  98. Matti says:

    hey sam! great words here man! keep it up! my gf and I got in a huge fight the other day, and I dont know how to find a level ground to move on from it. My gf and i are in a great relationship. we’ve been dating for a year and half. throughout all of it her abusive ex has been trying to still be a part of her life. While we see the ex in public sometimes and he has tried to hug and talk to my girl, most of the continued harassment has come in the form of facebook and other social media sites (the ex has tried to follow them on every one of the ones my girl is a part of). Anyways, while I have foolishly allowed the fb messages to be a great site of contention between me and my girl (fights) in the past, lately i had been getting a little bit better about them. first to let you know, my girl never responds to these messages. She actually thinks they are funny/pathetic/absurd/entertaining. This ex had a hand in ruining my last relationship too, so lets say I dont exactly think of these things the same way. They practically ruined my current girls life with legal stuff, controlling her to the point of her being deeply depressed and anxious and what not. So my gf deleted their friendship but did not block them, allowing this ex to continue to send harrassing messages to my gf that say things like “i miss you” and “remeber when we used to do this..” and most recently ” in my dreams last night we made up and it was actually really sweet and nice, dont you think its been long enough?” i appreciate that my gf tells me this stuff, because since the beginning we agreed that we would tell each other if this stuff happens. but it really fucks with me mentally. I told my gf about blocking their ex on fb so that no more messages would come through and we didnt speak more of it.
    fast forward to the other night. we had both been drinking at our place (bad for me cuz it makes me 1000 times more jealous/insecure/unreasonable) and for some reason she is going through her messages and reads me the “i miss you” one. I shake my head and say something well you know how to make it stop, have you blocked them yet? and she says no and then it escalates into this terrible argument about how i dont understand why they wouldnt and them saying that they dont want to feel like they are hiding from people that theres no need that all their life she has hid from things and shes tired of it. I say things like i dont understand why you wouldnt considering how much it affects us, and if you really dont like it then you can take power into your own hands to stop it. i may have even accused her of still wanting to keep a line of communication open with the ex and secretly liking these messages. She says nothing about these messages say that the ex is still interested in my girl and I said seriouslY? it really sounds like they are still interested in you. we could not agree on that point. also, she ended up blocking them, but i feel like against her will and it kills me to be that controlling guy who made their girl block their ex. i feel like a monster and i never ever wanted our relationship to be anything like that. it was a terrible fight. there was yelling and accusations and tears. the next day of course came with regrets and not really knowing what happened. she is scared that our relationship is forever changed or that us not agreeing on this issue is just going to distance us. I am kind of scared of the same thing. I hate that she gets those messages, and i dont want to apologize for my feelings about them but at the same time I dont want to be unmoving and a controlling asshole. how can we understand each other? how can I get over being so affected by this ex?

    • Hi Matti,

      Guys like the one in question often think they have a hold over their ex-girlfriends. It is up to your girlfriend to categorically state otherwise, however it is not uncommon for a woman to not want to be so brazen or confrontational. If your girlfriend thinks that blocking this guy is appropriate then that’s fine but ultimately it should be her decision, else you are merely deflecting the problem rather than solving it.

      The important thing from your side of things is to be the bigger man, and more important, be the better man! If this guy acts inappropriately towards your girlfriend in your opinion, or even if he indirectly insults you, rise above it. Support your girlfriend on how to deal with it if she wants him to stop but don’t give him or the messages any more attention of significance than they deserve.

      I know it isn’t pleasant to see other guys messaging your girlfriend like that (especially an ex-boyfriend) but it is actually your girlfriend’s business and it will only affect your relationship if you let it, such as letting it cause arguments. You can let your girlfriend know in a calm and confident manner that you find his messages a bit disrespectful to your relationship, but ultimately be supportive of how SHE wants to deal with it.

      As for the arguments, the best thing to do after any argument or fight is to not dwell on the feelings or the content behind it. Apologise for your side of things and move on. If you have a browse around the website, you will find articles where I’ve written about these topics in more depth.

      Take care,

      Sam

  99. PAul says:

    ok here goes,

    i have been with a woman for over ten years,and she is very pretty,gets hit on a lot by different guys,and i deal with it,generally by not saying much,about 3 years or so ago,she started coming home with little things an older gentleman had given to her,little statues that kind of stuff,no biggie right?not until i found a card saying he wishes she didn’t have a boyfriend and to dump me,with a lol at the end of it,i bring it up and she acts like it didn’t happen,we go out a fair bit and it seems guys know i have a jealousy problem so they push it,we were sitting at a club and she was singing,a couple we were sitting with,the guy (who is having an affair on his wife) leans over and says shes looking good,i say thanks hes like yeah im just gonna look her up and down a few times,shes so hot,this is supposed to be a friend,theres several of them that do this stuff when we are at this club,they know we are a couple but have some need to mess with me i guess.Another time we show up and 2 of them at the same time say cant you do better then him to her…

    She doesn’t act like its no big deal,when something like this happens she pretends it didnt and says its all in my head and that i need to get over it,i try to not be jealous but have a hard time with it,i need help big time,im afraid if it continues its going to get worse

    • Hey Paul,

      Although your predicament is similar to a lot of the guys who have written above, the fact that you have been in your relationship for such a long time does introduce some new caveats.

      In a relationship of more than a few years, routine, attraction levels, contempt and conflict can all fluctuate greatly. One thing that should be progressively stronger is comfort levels or the closeness that you share.

      I imagine after ten years together, you know your partner better than anyone else. This also means that you probably know already the sort of things you need to change in order to create a deeply fulfilling relationship, even after all this time. Take note of HOW she says things; if she is saying that it is all in your head and that you shouldn’t worry then take that advice and work from there.

      The only things that you should preserve from the past are positive shared experiences. The fact that an incident concerning another man from three years ago still affects you means that you are actually rekindling your own insecurities.

      As the main article states, if someone compliments or expresses attraction for your partner, take it as a compliment. There is nothing to get jealous about whilst it is only verbal admiration they are expressing.

      The same goes for snide remarks about your suitability. You don’t have to prove to other people that you are a great boyfriend… you have to prove it to yourself!

      Thanks for reading the website and I hope you get a chance to check out some of the other articles too,

      Sam

  100. Maxim Decoy says:

    Hey sam this is a great website but I’m having some diffivulty with some mental battles. I’ve been with my gf for almost 6 years.. we love each other very much but she finds herself being hit on frequently… this reason being is because my girlfriend was very flirtacious before she went out with me. But after showing her compassion and the love a true relationship should have, she has changed. However I feel like some of that is just a part of who she is. I try to not get made at her but it hurtss so bad. I am such a serious guy and girls know that and don’t hit on me. But now I feel like I want to get back at her. Not cheat on her but make tons of girlfriends. Because I feel it isn’t fair. She says she loves me and I know this, she has never cheated on me but I think it is completly unfair how I have to deal with this. I I’ve broken up with her before because I thought that she is just flirty because that’s just who she is… I’m so convinced by this. But I don’t want to do this cause I love her and see a future with her. Please help me out. I need a way to mentally deal with this. I’m not insecure of myself but I need a way of blocking these thoughts out of my head. Should I. Not care about her as much so I don’t get hurt? Or maybe should I always be with her? I’m begging you for help. If not I’m going to have to leave her because I don’t want to hurt her anymore…

    • Hi,

      There is a fine line between flirting and friendliness and what makes things even more ambiguous is that where that line is will differ greatly between people.

      Whilst I’m sure that your girlfriend does not want to exacerbate feelings you have towards her sociable attitude, by restricting those traits of hers you really are changing the core of who she is. If you want the relationship to work then you have to accept that this is an internal issue based on your perception, rather than an external one based on her actions.

      Think of her socialising with others as something that makes her the person you love. It sounds like she trusts and respects you in the relationship, so you need to separate in your mind her ‘flirting’ with others as something disrespectful or unfaithful.

      The two possible solutions you suggest at the end of your comment will actually fuel any insecurities rather than ease them. It’s difficult to consciously “not care” about someone that you subconsciously care a great deal about. As for always being with her, not only is it impractical, but it also communicates distrust. There is no dishonesty or injustice whilst she is still being faithful towards you and the relationship and so using the word “unfair” is a bit misleading.

      Having said that, a healthy relationship requires being considerate towards each other’s feelings and so a temporary compromise would be to discuss with your girlfriend what exactly affects you and also why it does. If she can tone down some of her behaviour whilst she is with you, you can work on trusting that aspect of her lifestyle without having to witness it so much.

      To be honest, the suggestion you made about going out of your way to make several female friends is a good one, although not for the reasons you mention. It would certainly help you to keep your relationship in perspective and realise the difference between platonic and non-platonic relationships.

      I’m sure this is how your girlfriend views her interactions with other men. Six years is a long time to be in a relationship and the level of trust you have developed should be completely independent of how many members of the opposite sex either of you associates with.

      Take care,

      Sam

  101. LA2011 says:

    Hello

    I have a unique problem.

    I have been dating a girl I work with for about 6 months…she is 28 and I am 39. We get along very will with a group in the office and we go out for happy hour as a group. Some times other co-workers will ask friend and significant others to come along to happy hour.

    About 4 months ago on of the other co-workers husbands started joining the group…he is my age and they have been married for 19 years with 2 teenage children… He began flirting with my girlfriend. Rubbing her leg under the table. This was followed by a succession of texts from him to her telling her he would like to kiss her and wanted to “make a move”

    I was completely shocked since he was doing this at the same table as the rest of the co-workers including his wife. My girlfriend told me about him rubbing her leg and showed me the texts. I was completely shocked. I told her he was reading into her friendliness but we both agreed that other than asking him to stop that causing a huge mess in the office was not worth the drama. My girlfriend has acted appropriately (as far as I know) in every instance by moving away from him but she is not an overly aggressive individual and does not want to “cause problems” so she has been moderately forceful in her reactions.

    At the next happy hour he attended around 2 weeks later when I was alone with the guy I told him that I didn’t appreciate him hitting on my girlfriend. He didn’t apologize or seam in the least bit embarrassed about his actions. He said “that depends on your relationship. Is she the ONE or just the NEXT ONE.” I am a larger guy and in very good physical shape and in my youth would have popped him in the mouth the second he didn’t apologize for being a dick.
    But I stayed calm and asked him again to back off and left it at that.

    For about 2 months we didn’t hear anything from him and we had seen each other and I was completely fine with him socially. I hoped he got the hint and moved on to his next target. I was wrong. Last Friday night we went to a house party with the “office crew” and this dope was there again. We ended up in the hot tube…there was 8 people casually drinking and talking. As time goes on there were only 4 of us in the hot tube with one of them being the guy…sure enough he slowly works his way next to my girlfriend so close that you couldn’t see space between them. As the conversation of the group continued I looked at him once with a “are you kidding me?” look and he didn’t react at all. in my head I was thinking…”she is a big girl and if she wants to move she can move” Again controlling my urge to tell him to back off. I got up out of the hot tube because I was going to get upset and say something…there were about 4 or 5 other people in the area and didn’t want to make a scene but didn’t want to watch this guy “make his move” They stayed in the hot tube for about 15 more minutes but she did move away from him.

    We all hung would for about 2 hours after and ended the evening. I didn’t say anything about it because I didn’t want to seam like the jealous type I didn’t have any proof that he did anything other than sit too close to my girlfriend. I asked her the next day “Did THE GUY say anything to you last night? And she told me that when I got out of the tub he did rub her leg under the water and the moved away at that time. Of course I got upset and told her that I find it ridiculous that I have to address this type of thing with a co-workers husband.

    I don’t want to look jealous or insecure but I am very upset over this guy. I trust my girlfriend but feel disrespected by this guy.

    I don’t want to have to have stupid conversations about this guy with my girlfriend and can tell that the conversations we have had already are causing strain.

    How should I handle this?

    Advice please!

    LA

    • Hi,

      I hear a lot of stories of guys hitting on women that they know are in a relationship, but they rarely act as brazen and disrespectfully as the guy in your story!

      It sounds like you have both acted fairly so far and it is good that your girlfriend is keeping you updated with what has been going on. If this was someone from outside of work, you could be more directly critical of this guy and ignore him more easily, but I agree that you do want to be more tactful in this instance to avoid causing drama at work or amongst your social group.

      You showed considerable restraint during the hot-tub scene. Even though he was acting inappropriately, by not reacting or accusing him of anything, you restore yourself as the better man.

      The fact that he showed little remorse when you confronted him previously means that your influence on the situation is unlikely to have any effect.

      The only person who can call him on his behaviour without coming across as insecure is your girlfriend. It doesn’t seem like she has done anything wrong so far but she could definitely be more decisive with rejecting his advances, whilst still not causing a scene.

      If you do discuss something like the above with your girlfriend, make sure you don’t imply that she has done anything wrong or that she provoked his behaviour in the first place.

      Once again I commend you on keeping calm in situations like the hot-tub example. If you do want to be more proactive in solving the issue at the time, there are other things you can do whenever you spot your girlfriend in an uncomfortable situation. A good way to think is, “what would the ultimate, attractive version of me do?”

      Using the hot-tub scene as an example, you could have led your girlfriend away in a confident manner: “Hey sweetie, let me show you something quickly”. You could then lead her away somewhere private and kiss her passionately.

      The above is just an example off the top of my head but it does reflect a man who is calm but takes matters into his own hands without showing any signs of insecurity. It also doesn’t put any focus on the other guy and draws her back to you without causing a scene.

      The last resort is to hang around this other guy as infrequently as possible, although I understand that these are work gatherings and you aren’t in control of who attends. Hopefully he will stop acting inappropriately on his own accord if your girlfriend continues to reject his advances. How long that takes depends on how blatantly your girlfriend conveys her disinterest.

      All the best and thanks for stopping by,

      Sam

  102. Joel says:

    What is the best way to tell her I would like her to be more assertive in shunning his advances…I do not want to look like this guy is always on my mind but

    • Hi again,

      Firstly, you shouldn’t tell her that YOU want her to be more assertive… It must be HER choice! If you make it sound like you are pressuring or forcing her to be more assertive, you come across as a controlling, jealous boyfriend.

      Assuming she does want to prevent some of this man’s behaviour, how you go about discussing the issue will depend on how self-assured and socially intuitive your girlfriend is. You definitely don’t want to come across as patronising but you can explain how most guys find it hard to read female intentions and non-verbal communication.

      Within a social setting, there are polite ways to do seemingly rude actions. Walking away from someone is a good example in this case. If you give a reason to politely leave, it becomes justified. Women do this all the time in clubs to avoid men they dislike: “we’re going to the bathroom”, “we’re going to go and dance” etc.

      I’m rambling slightly but the point is to get your girlfriend to see what this other man’s intentions are (speaking to her as a man with experience), and helping her find the balance so that he gets the message each time without causing any social drama. Your personal feelings should only come into the discussion if she is being blatantly disrespectful or intentionally inappropriate towards you with her handling of the situation.

      I hope that clears it up further,

      Sam

  103. Le says:

    What do you do if it’s a long distance relationship and guys are hitting on her like perverts? Like they take pictures of my girlfriend while she is looking and she has told them that she has a boyfriend. I trust her to do the right thing as she has already, but how can she make them stop? Note that this is a long distance relationship.

    Your help/reply would be greatly appreciated.

    • Hi,

      If your girlfriend has told them she has a boyfriend and has been honest with you about what has been going on then there isn’t much you can personally do, especially if you aren’t physically there.

      Support your girlfriend and give her the courage to walk away from guys like that if she feels uncomfortable but try not to get too involved yourself or make it personal.

      This scenario sounds like the sort of thing that will solve itself and isn’t actually causing too much harm unless either you or your girlfriend blows it out of proportion. They are just sleazy guys taking photos and making themselves look bad if they try anything disrespectful anyway, so try not to worry about it too much whilst your girlfriend has it handled.

      Take care,

      Sam

  104. Ceetee says:

    Hi, I “surfed” across the site and love the content within it.

    I have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for about a year now. Approximately 3 months into our relationship we had a quarrel that I am having a hard time releasing . It was arranged three seperate times that I would travel to her, so we can spend time together. We had seen eachother during these three months as she would travel to where I am, since she is originally from here. Each of these three times that I was supposed to go there, she had something come up and cancelled my trip there. A few months later, I come to find out, at that time, that her married neighbor was trying to set my girlfriend up with her friend. This “friend” was never mentioned to me. My girlfriend stated that she had told her friend that she was serious about me and did not want her to pursue anything. The “neighbor” still took the liberty of inviting herself, her husband, and this guy over to my girlfriends house. My girlfriend thought nothing of it, and let the guy give her guitar lessons while he was there. She did not mention anything about this for almost 6 months, when she finally told me.

    Am I wrong to think that my girlfriend crossed the line by associating herself in that way with someone she was trying to be set up with?

    • Hi,

      I wouldn’t say that you girlfriend has crossed a line by doing what she did but she may have crossed a line by being secretive about it.

      The boundaries of a relationship can and should be different for every relationship. You don’t want to ever dictate what your girlfriend can and can’t do (she is a free woman with choices after all). What is important though is being open and honest with each other. This is even more important if you are in a long-distance relationship.

      How open and honest a woman is in a relationship directly correlates to how honest you make her feel she can be! One of the biggest factors is how calm, collected and non-judgemental you are with her. If you are a prime example of those three attributes then she will feel that she can tell you anything!

      The event has long since passed now, so there is not much good that will come from bringing it up with your girlfriend again as an isolated incident. Simply ensure that your communication is as good as it can be from now on and she will realise that it is better to tell you about incidents like that rather than keep them secret.

      Thanks for browsing the website and I’m glad you like the content,

      Sam

  105. Bigpanther says:

    Hi

    My girlfriend is 15 and there is this guy who she meet a few weeks ago hes 20 and she told me she likes this guy a little bit but she swears she would never date him and all they are is friends but every time we go to her church or to a group outing ,he’ll walk away she’ll look for him like a lost puppy i dont know how to react I havent told her about this becausce I think she’ll get mad and try to blame me for itwhat should I do

    Your friend

    • Hi,

      I know how those sorts of scenarios can come across when viewed a certain way but your girlfriend hasn’t actually done anything wrong at this stage and neither has this other guy, so there is no use making something out of nothing as it stands.

      There are several reasons why women are attracted to older guys (value, social status and money to name a few) but it really is no different to random celebrity crushes that most women have.

      Think about what this other guy does that your girlfriend might be attracted to and then try to be a better version of all those traits yourself.

      Remember that your girlfriend has chosen to be with you, so don’t think of this other guy as a threat. If you continue striving to be the best boyfriend you can be then this other guy really has no significance in your relationship.

      You’ve done the right thing by not making a big deal out of it with your girlfriend thus far. Something will only become a big deal if you MAKE it a big deal and that goes for pretty much any issue in a relationship.

      Take it easy and thanks for writing,

      Sam

  106. Sebastian! says:

    Hello.

    Really enjoyed reading this! It makes me think in another way about it..
    Well my problem is not really big but it really disturbs me.

    My girlfriend has a friend one year younger than both of us two, and they have been friends for 1 year i think (1 month more than me and her)
    When she didn’t knew me she had some great problems with her life, and that guy was there for her, he helped her to handle it. but now a year after i suspect that he had a crush on her and that he used the situation to get attention, when i found that out i was first really angry but than i didn’t think it was such a big deal.
    But now when me and my girlfriend has been together for 4 months, he suddenly gives her lots of compliments, which she reply on gently with, “oh thanx, sweety” and such..
    it gets me quite annoyed..

    I’m not sure what i shall do.. I told him gently that i didn’t really like what he wrote to her and he replied with “what are you going to do about it?” I did nothing but my girlfriend got a little mad about me even caring about it.

    Now i’m on square one again, don’t want her to talk to him but mostly not him to talk to her…I know i’m beeing really jealous but I can’t handle it..YET.

    Sorry for my bad language,i’m 15 and from sweden, pretty difficult to write in english.
    Thank you for your time though.

    /Sebastian

    • Hey Sebastian,

      The friend’s response when you confronted him was unnecessarily aggressive but then he probably interpreted your assumption as needlessly aggressive too.

      The main thing to do is to fully understand their relationship. From what you have written it sounds like a classic friend-zone situation. Your girlfriend used this guy as an outlet for emotional support and he interpreted that as romantic interest and developed an infatuation for your girlfriend. These might not be the exact circumstances but it is a fairly common chain of events.

      If this guy isn’t willing to be your friend then there is not much you can do there. Only mention something to your girlfriend if it is clear that she is unintentionally leading this guy on. Even then, you do not want to forbid her from talking to him… She will only resent you for it and it doesn’t sound like he is an actual threat to your relationship. I imagine he is merely giving generic compliments with no sexual attraction behind them and your girlfriend is responding politely: no problem! :)

      Take it easy,

      Sam

  107. Dante says:

    Sam, I wanted to praise you for this intuitive quote:

    “How open and honest a woman is in a relationship directly correlates to how honest you make her feel she can be!”

    From personal experience, this has been true TIME AND TIME AGAIN! It’s just SO tempting and “easy” to become judgmental, angry, and defensive when your girlfriend reveals certain kinds of information to you. But, you must ultimately fight off these negative urges and feelings and control yourself. In the end, she will love you more for it and become closer to you.

    But of course.. I have also known some girls who will interpret a calm and collected response from the guy as a sign that he doesn’t “care” or he’s just a “nice guy” and puts up with this kind of behavior. So I really think it’s a fine line. You have to be proud that she was honest with you but at the same time, not being serious or somewhat upset about what she’s done might send her the wrong message as well and make it seem like she can “get away with it” or “push you a bit” so to speak?

    Would love your thoughts on striking the right balance!

    • Hi Dante,

      You have described the perfect, overall attitude for a man to have in his relationship.

      The way I like to think about it is “how would the ultimate, attractive version of me think and act in this situation?” For guys who find this visualisation difficult, substituting any theoretical male who epitomises confidence and attractiveness will also work.

      The ultimate goal when faced with a certain situation should be to both come out of it feeling good and that involves all the factors you highlight, not just one or the other.

      Almost every negative instance in a relationship can be flipped and reframed to a positive version, as conveyed by someone self-assured, confident and attractive. Even if those attitudes are hard to genuinely ingrain, “fake it until you make it” will help most men realise that finding the balance you speak of is the best way to act.

      Naturally attractive and confident men do this all the time. If their girlfriend has done something unfavourable or if they have been the victim of something unfavourable, it is always the attitude of “I care for you and I’ll protect you but I won’t accept my values being disrespected”. Obviously this isn’t something that needs to be stated verbally; it is more conveyed through actions and non-verbal communication. Taking this to the extreme, you never need to be upset with a specific person (your girlfriend included) but you can be “upset” by the situation.

      Ultimately it is attitude and experience that will help find the right balance. If you can stay in control of your emotions then you can adjust them in real time too, depending on your girlfriend’s reaction at the time. This is often referred to as “calibration”, which is a whole topic in itself.

      Thanks for bringing up a great aspect of this topic,

      Sam

  108. Le says:

    Thank you for your great advice, I noticed now that I had made a typo in my original question.
    “What do you do if it’s a long distance relationship and guys are hitting on her like perverts? Like they take pictures of my girlfriend while she is looking and she has told them that she has a boyfriend. I trust her to do the right thing as she has already, but how can she make them stop? Note that this is a long distance relationship.

    Your help/reply would be greatly appreciated.”
    I meant while she wasn’t looking, anyways thank you for the advice!! I love it!

    • Hi,

      You’re welcome for the advice.

      I did actually assume that is what you meant. Either way, the same advice applies. If such photos ever cross the line into harassment (in your girlfriend’s opinion, as she would be the “victim”) then suggest that she tells someone in authority (a bouncer if she is in a bar or club). Otherwise, simply don’t give those guys any more attention than they deserve.

      Sam

  109. gjr says:

    Hello, i have an issue as well. Well me and my girlfriend just hooked up. She’s not ugly..cute, short, sweet…but with a pretty BIG ROUND BUTT =D and i know that’s the treasure she carry’s with her and also something that all men stare at and are willing to make a move. The thing here is that at times when we are talking she tells me that “some guy was trying to hit on her at her job” or in the street or her friends friend. So should i be concerned about my gf telling me all this…is it a good thing that she’s letting me know about this…or could there be anything else behind that??? I will appreciate the answer…thank you! G-

    • Hi,

      The answer to your question depends solely on HOW your girlfriend tells you these things, including her tone and her reasons for mentioning it.

      If she is telling you in an empathetic and innocent way then that is a good thing and you should encourage such honesty from her.

      If she seems to be attempting to spark jealousy or says it in a malicious way then there might be more to it.

      Finding out how she actually feels about the incidents in question will normally give you a big hint as to whether it is a potential issue or not.

      Take care,

      Sam

  110. Gt says:

    Hi, I have a problem and don’t know what to do.

    My girlfriend and I recently got back together about a month ago in a long distance relationship and since we’ve had a complicated history she doesn’t want our friends to know that we are back together just yet being afraid of what they might think. Now since it is a long distance relationship for the moment I can’t always be there with her so I tend to talk to her a lot on the phone or on facebook. What is bothering me is that there are several guys that openly hit on her on her facebook thinking she is single, she doesn’t act on it but it bothers me just thinking about it. She is such a nice person and I hate to see guys trying to take advantage of that without being able to do anything or knowing that she can simply tell them that she has a boyfriend. I can deal with guys hitting on her if she could just tell them she has a boyfriend or if I was there at the time but it’s just really bothering me with the combination of it being long distance at the moment and not being able to openly say we’re dating. I tried talking to her about just letting people know but she insists that she is not ready yet and I won’t go against her on this. I really don’t know what to do, I’ve just been letting it run its course since I trust her and don’t want my jealousy to cause problems for us but it’s really starting to bother me, especially when some of these guys are people she hangs out with or works with.

    • Hi,

      The issue is not how other guys are treating your girlfriend (like you say, if they think that she is single then they technically aren’t doing anything wrong); the issue is where the need to keep the relationship secret comes from.

      If your girlfriend has genuine fears about openly being in a relationship with you then of course you want to empathise with that but you also want to find something that works for both of you. Your girlfriend shouldn’t be making all the rules and you want to let her know in a self-assured manner how you feel too.

      More important than having a label on the relationship is how you actually feel about each other and how much you trust each other. I don’t know the details and reasons for your girlfriend wanting to keep the relationship secret but true friends would support her decisions and also dislike being lied to.

      Ultimately, if the relationship is something that you see as long-lasting, you want it to be something you can be honest about and proud of. That is what you should be heading towards, however slowly that needs to be to keep your girlfriend’s emotions and fears intact.

      All the best,

      Sam

  111. M says:

    Hello, Sam. You have a great website here, my compliments to the usefulness of the articles and to the catchy and laid-back tone you’re using!

    Here goes my problem: I’ve been with this girl for almost a year now, but she has always been one of those jealous and possessive types. I’m not going to lie, I like that about her, and, what’s more, this part of her behavior is pretty much my fault because I have always been flirting with other girls or even texting them right under her nose at the beginning of our relationship. I did it because I thought that would rise my “attractiveness” level, not because I liked the other girls, but now I realise I took it one step too far.

    Before we got together, she had been obsessed with this other guy in our class, obsession which lasted for around a year. I am one of those lucky guys who managed to get out of the friend zone, maybe having to see her at least 6 hours a day helped with that.

    Me and this guy have been deskmates two years ago, and he was showing me the messages he was receiving from her. He knew I liked her so he wasn’t flirting back with her, but he didn’t put her in her place either.

    Now me and Mr. Douche are not friends anymore, and, also, I share the desk with my girlfriend now.But she is not living in the same town I do, so, during the summer holiday, she had to go back to her home. We have seen each other for roughly 6 days during the entire summer. Our conversations over the telephone were usually fights, and on y!messenger we weren’t talking almost at all. It is true that I was pretty obsessed with a PC game back then, and I kind of neglected her, but the way she let me know about how she felt like was a really direspectful one, so I didn’t care. But, oh well, school started, and after the period of split-ups and then reconciliations that summer was, we seemed like we got back to milk and honey.

    We exchanged facebook and email passwords some time ago, and, one night, I had the inspiration of checking her conversation history. Little did I know that she had been talking with Mr Douche all summer long! And, by talking, I mean really dirty flirting from her side, with lines like “in that picture you’re so tall and sexy” or “if you won’t be back at the pc in 5 i will f u” and such. He wasn’t answering her flirts early on, but as time went by he expressed more and more interest. It seemed like she was back on how she was 2 years ago. They used to talk until even 6 in the morning, while she was telling me she went to sleep at around 12 or 1 am. I called and confronted her, we met, I, of course, made a huge scene, she was begging me on her knees to forgive her, so, the next day, I did so. She explained me why she did it and also gave me more details, like, for example, they also used to talk on the phone, but she swore they never flirted on the phone.She also told me he was always calling her but she was not answering usually, which led to him texting her things like “why are you not answering?” or “seems like you forgot about me”. She told me that they were talking on the phone usually after the y!messenger conversations, and it was just friendly chit-chat, which extended to 1 or 2 hours, usually. She swore to me that they were only flirting on the y!messenger, but I still have my doubts.

    After I found out, I was completely devastated, but it kind of opened my eyes. She put him in his place real good recently, so he didn’t talk to her from then on, but I can see him staring at her for minutes while in class. She never confronts his stare, but sometimes I do, and it is really funny to see him turn his head like nothing has happened. He overheard us talking about her “adventure” from the summer once, conversation where I attributed some pretty rude adjectives to this guy, so I know he knows, but we never talked about it.

    Sorry for bothering you with details, my wound is still fresh, but I can see this relationship being long-term and I feel like I really love this girl, I want to be happy with her as much as I want her to be happy with me, so I turned to you for advice. How should I behave from now on? I can sense he will hit on her again, she told me he never tried contacting her again after she put him in his place (she blocked him on facebook and put him in the ignore list on y!messenger, after I found out about summer), but he tried to talk to her once in the classroom while I was away. Also, I am scared she could cheat on me for real with some guy I have no knowledge about, and I don’t want this to happen. I know I’ve been acting like a total idiot lately, always checking her phone or conversation history, but I’m trying really bad to stop it. Moreover, she chose me over the other guy, which is proof enough she loves me, right? Or is she just comfortable with me?

    Thank you for your time reading this whole teen drama. I hope you will help me.
    -M

    • Hi,

      Thanks for the kind words; I’m glad you like the website.

      You are right that your girlfriend’s jealous and possessive behaviour is partly a result of how your relationship started. Having other women in your life does raise your attraction level and is not necessarily a bad thing. The important thing is that you ensure that your girlfriend knows there is no malicious intent on your behalf and that you will always be loyal and honest with her.

      The relationship over summer doesn’t justify or excuse your girlfriend’s behaviour with this other guy but it does explain it. Although there might be other variables, it sounds like he was more available and validating for her during that period. Use it as a learning experience for how to treat each other, although try to resist discussing or thinking about it too often.

      The fact that despite everything she wants to be with you says a lot about how much she likes you.

      In a fulfilling relationship, the priority should always be the two of you and other people are technically irrelevant to that unity. The moment you start thinking of other guys as threats to your relationship is when suspicions arise and you’ll get the urge to check her messages again. Concentrate on making the relationship as awesome as you can, using those past experiences as tools to learn from.

      As for the guy in question, it sounds like your girlfriend has successfully diffused the situation when you talk about her putting him in his place. All you need to do is ensure that she stands by those sentiments and does not reengage him if he starts acting inappropriately again. Try not to become a tyrant enforcing such rules but calmly and confidently remind your girlfriend of the full picture if it ever becomes inappropriate again.

      The last thing is to try and alleviate any malice or bad feelings you have towards this other guy. You don’t have to be best friends with him but the moment you start making ‘enemies’ outside your relationship is the moment negative emotions start seeping into the relationship once more.

      All the best and thanks for checking out the website,

      Sam

  112. js says:

    Hi Sam,

    CHanced upon your blog while googling and have to say you provide a really solid advice to people who mistrust their partners!

    Can i consult you on some stuff? Here is my background:
    I have a girlfriend of 2 months plus and she used to flirt around alot in Secondary school days before finally settling down on 2 boyfriends before me. She still has predominantly more guy frens than girl frens and guy friends automatically try to “try their Luck” with her even though they know that she has a bf or her facebook shows me and her picture.

    She will explicitly states her r/s status and she has a outgoing personality. I know that i have no right to ask her to be “cold” to these advancing guys or guys who flirt but how do i resolve the uneasiness inside me especially i know that she is going into an new environment where she is mixing with guys? Is the level of trust really not there? often i find myself angry for not knowing some details that she had opted to not tell me about it, mostly about normal conversations or chats she had with guys.

    Due to her outgoing personality and her younger past, i find myself hard to trust her though she had did substantially well in fending off by stating she got bf. but how do i resolve the part that guys continuously will try to advance on her?

    many many thanks. sam.

    jason

    • Hey Jason,

      Just like with most aspects of a relationship, when it comes to trust there are two sets of factors: external and internal.

      The external factors are the practical aspects of how trust is applied and communicated within a relationship. It sounds like your girlfriend is actually doing a good job of being trustworthy and respectful, being forthright about her relationship status. Having male friends and being flirty within certain boundaries does not change how trustworthy she is whilst she is always putting her relationship with you first.

      The internal factors are how we interpret or perceive certain actions. It is very easy to create unease when viewing certain instances through a predefined frame. As such, you probably want to focus on how you think about trust in your relationship as a whole, as opposed to any practical changes that are required.

      This includes things such as striving to be the best boyfriend you can be and believing this to be unequivocally true. This in turn prevents other guys being perceived as a threat, instead being an inconsequential side effect of having an attractive girlfriend. Another one is when your girlfriend doesn’t tell you something, think of it first as circumstantial rather than suspicious or disrespectful.

      These are just a few of the mindsets that will alleviate any unease or fear, along with maintaining good communication in your relationship. At first they may seem like mere affirmations but once you start truly believing your girlfriend’s intentions and loyalties, whilst accepting and being unaffected by things you can’t change (such as other guys hitting on your girlfriend), you will develop rock solid, mutual trust in your relationship.

      I hope that helps and thanks for visiting the website,

      Sam

  113. Ramez says:

    Hi Sam,
    “You actually have a lot less to worry about in these particular scenarios. For someone to get to the friendship stage, having bypassed the creation of sexual attraction, it is very hard for them to go back and create it once they are regarded solely as friends. Furthermore, they are showing their own lack of integrity and attractiveness by hitting on someone they outright KNOW is in a relationship.”

    this is exactly what happend with me 2 days ago, we went for a drink, and we met one of my GF’s friends.
    twice, he was hiting on her (both times i was away) but she told me about it when i came back.
    she was also surprized about what happend, but in both times she she handeled the sitiuation in a decent way
    anyhow, 1st time i tried to control my self (the guy was still with us) but it was hard for me, so i excused to go to the toilet (just to stay away cause i wanted to kick hi a**)
    while i was going away the next time( she asked me to stay) but i refused cause i was boiling inside
    so when i came back, she told me that he tried again, then i was angry again
    she was trying to cool me down, by saying that this unusuall we are friends since long time and this is the first time he is doing that, maybe because he is drunk , bla bla bla…
    which made me more angry cause it was as she is finding an excuse for the guy

    anyhow, the night passed, and i asked her later to solved it with the guy by telling him to stick to the friendship relation

    please tell me Sam if i did something wrong and what is it and what should i do to fix the sitiuation

    thanks
    ramez

    • Hi Ramez,

      You did the right thing by not making a scene at the time. In scenarios like that it is easy to misconstrue exactly what happened and how vindictive it was. There is a vast spectrum of what exactly constitutes as “hitting on your girlfriend”. Your girlfriend no doubt felt caught in the middle and understandably would want to keep the peace, or make “excuses” for her friend.

      It sounds like your girlfriend handled it well at the time. You may find that this is a one off situation and nothing more needs to be said or done. You certainly don’t want to antagonise the situation unnecessarily.

      Even if this guy tries something again in the future, as long as your girlfriend continues to make it clear he doesn’t have a chance with her in that way, try not to take anything he does personally. Most guys in that situation aren’t chasing a taken woman as a personal attack on the boyfriend; they are simply caught in their own little confusion of feelings!

      Thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  114. Tyler says:

    hey there, i was wandering if you could help me with my situation, you see my girlfriend and i are very close see eachother everyday and genreally have a good relationship, but latley she has been texting this guy nonstop and deletes the messages sometimes but also tells me when he hits on her, for example she sent a text to him once after a party that she was never drinking again and then he replied you should come out with me soon with a wink face and has also said that he wants hugs from her and that, my girlfriend tells me all this and rejects him or ignores him but this makes me angry because i have jelousy issues, when i get mad and message him she says i push her away but i just dont want any other guys hitting on her because im insecure and previous girlfriends have left me for another guy. i trust her completly but i dont trust the guys that she talks to for the reasons above, i really want her to stop talking to this male as he hits on her and is becoming very very close with her but she wont stop talking to him, SAVE MY RELATIONSHIP PLEASE :(

    • Hey Tyler,

      The solution is not to get your girlfriend to stop talking to this other guy, but to start working on the issues you highlighted that make you feel like something is wrong, or going to go wrong. If someone is jealous, insecure or suspicious in a relationship, there will always be someone to be jealous, insecure or suspicious of!

      As her boyfriend, you are in a different category, a superior category, to any other man in her life, so you have to slowly start believing this fact and act accordingly.

      I know it may seem counter-intuitive but for the time being you want to ignore whatever is going on with this other guy and concentrate on your relationship and the insecurities you mention. I am sure you are sincere when you say that you trust your girlfriend but if you are constantly questioning her external relationships, it is unlikely that she feels that sincerity of trust. You never want your girlfriend to feel like you are pushing her away, so listen to how and why she says such things when she does.

      I know it might be a difficult thing to do at first but when you change your focus from how your girlfriend is with other guys, to how she is with YOU, you will become a lot more at ease with the whole situation.

      Like I said, the best solution is not to stop her talking to other men; the solution is to make sure that her talking to other men is never to compensate for things MISSING in your relationship!

      All the best and thanks for reading,

      Sam

  115. Fábio says:

    Hello everyone, i’m having a little issue at the moment and i wonder what’s the best way to deal with it.
    I’m with my girlfriend for 2 years and 6 months, we have been happy, but i feel lately that i’m getting very afected by some situations…
    Ive had problems in past relations and i’m kinda afraid it happends again.
    A random day my girlfriend went out really fast and left the facebook logged, i tried to resist but i couldn’t and i checked her messages and i noticed a guy was flirting with her, she doesn’t really answer’s all the things he say’s and by that i mean, she answer’s but not the way i think he want’s her to answer him, he say’s things like:
    “i adore you”, “i want to give you guys and kisses” etc, and to the “adore you” part she said “how can you say that if you almost don’t know me”… I loved to see that answer but a few days she was going to work and he was waiting her at the train station, and for what he said in a message at facebook, he said “i really loved to hug you”…
    After that i’ve talked with her exposing the situation and she said that he tried to hug her but she didn’t allow it…
    At the moment 1000000 thoughts are crossing my mind, she said that she’s with me so i have nothing to worry about…
    Can you give me some advice of what i should do?
    Sorry for my bad english, i’m from Portugal, i hope you can undertsand everything :)
    Cheers

    • Hi Fábio,

      There are only two factors that require analysis in your situation. First is how mutual those conversations that you read are. From what you have described, they appear very one-sided and your girlfriend sounds like she has the situation handled and doesn’t feel vulnerable in any way.

      The second factor is how fulfilling your relationship is and what that can lead to. If your relationship is fulfilling then you have nothing to worry about. If you think that another guy might become an outlet for any negativity in your relationship, then you have the exact information for what needs working on in your relationship.

      One of the main reasons I advise against ever checking a partner’s private messages is that it does nothing to enrich the relationship (even if nothing incriminating is found). Attractive women (and even not so attractive women) will have men chasing them at various times and to various degrees. It is far better to concentrate on what you CAN change in your relationship, rather than worry about things that you can’t change. After all, the latter will only ever become an issue as a direct result of the former faltering.

      Thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  116. Ramez says:

    Hi Sam,

    Thanks for your reply… i was really waiting for it.

    well, here is what happend:
    after that day ( i mentioned in my previous msg)
    Me and my gf discused the issue, and she promised to talk to the guy to stick his limit
    and the next day she did, how its happend… like this:

    my gf: asking the guy: whats happend last night? ist something you had in your mind since long time or it just cause u were drunk?
    the guy: didnt answer ( which mean here that YES its in his mind since long time)
    My gf answering: then if this is the case, am giving you a chance to keep our relation as only business if you still intrested , because as you know am in relation
    (they both work togther on some deals, but not in the same co.)
    the guy: yes of course
    and this is how it was closed that day.

    now, yesterday my gf’s car stopped and she tried to call me to pick her up, but i was not able to answer cause i was in a business meeting.
    anyhow, i called back later and through the phone she told me what happend and she told me that she called the guy and he came to give her a left.

    well, evening time we met, and she told me the whole story. Which is that he came to give her a left, and when they arrived, he told her : listen we spoke about it but i will keep trying
    she answered: (as she is kidding… with a smile) f*** off

    here, i get mad again and we spent the night and today morning fighting about this issue
    my point was:
    1st she was not supose to call him to pick her up, cause they already agreed to have only business, and she broke that by calling him , and she was not in the middle of no where, she was able to take a taxi

    my 2d point was: when he said (i will keep trying) and the way how did she answer him
    (for me) its like she is not refusing, or she is not showing him that this making her angry or un acceptable or …etc

    and on the same time, she was also finding excuses for him or for not being strict with him like she kept saying:
    he was a good friend… am confused … am not sure if he is that bad….etc

    I dont want to tell her not to talk to him cause i hate to give instructions, and i would prefer that she should act in a diferent way by her self not cause i asked… as i dont want her to lose some business deals, cause again they both working togther sometimes

    its really killing me when she finding excuse to the guy or when she say that she is confused (as she still not sure that the guy is trying to get into her pants)

    please sam, advice me what to do?
    how this can be handel?

    thanks again Sam

    Ramez

    • Hi again,

      Discussing these things with your girlfriend is a good thing, but rather than focusing on a particular ‘threat’, instead make sure that you are both clear on what the boundaries of your relationship are: what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for BOTH of you.

      As long as your girlfriend isn’t personally crossing any of those boundaries, or encouraging others to do so, any of your concerns are self-inflicted. Forget about what this other guy’s intentions are and remember what your girlfriend’s true intentions are. Trust that she will stick to that and try not to make something an issue or cause for arguments that was never going to be otherwise.

      Take care,

      Sam

  117. Matt says:

    Hello Sam,

    I read your whole outline at the top and also a few replies. These have helped me so much and made me feel better about a lot of situations that i think of. But i also have a problem of my own and hope you can help me out. Me and my Ex girlfriend (we were our first loves) are now currently talking and want to get back together and work things out. We dated for 2 years, 3 years ago and i feel like we’ve both done a lot of growing up. I’m 21 and she is 19. But the problem is she was in another 2 year relationship after me with another guy and i can’t really find myself getting over it anytime soon. She says that she has no feelings for him at all. I want a relationship with her now or at least very soon but she says that she wants to wait and take things slow. Also she is always texting other guys and they say really inappropriate things to her and she never says anything inappropriate back but she keeps texting them anyway? Please help me out! – Matt

    • Matt says:

      Also i forgot to put is that, we are not really able to see each other in person because of some inquires in the past with her parents. We hangout on the weekends but that’s it. But i really love this girl and i want it to work between the both of us more than anything. – Matt

    • Hey Matt,

      Although two years is a substantial time to have been together originally, most people change a lot in three years, so the relationship itself and how you approach it will most likely be very different from before.

      The only two people that are important here are you and this girl. You have to try your hardest to block out any other guys in her life, including her other ex-boyfriend, and concentrate on developing the relationship the way you want it to be.

      She is no longer with that other guy for a reason (a flaw if you will) and you have the opportunity to start a flawless relationship of your own. If anything, her relationship in between is a good thing, as she has no doubt learnt and grown in that department.

      I think it is wise to take her advice and progress slowly, but do make sure it is progressing. Aside from taking notably positive or significant attributes from your previous time together, it is almost best to think of the relationship as brand new. It will certainly help in treating it the right way from the off and is even more important if you can’t see each other often.

      Without prying, I would recommend simultaneously dealing with whatever the reasons are that you can’t see each other often. With that said, seeing each other predominantly at weekends at first is about the right frequency in the early stages of a relationship anyway, so there isn’t really any issue there.

      All the best and thanks for reading,

      Sam

  118. ramez says:

    Sam,

    Thank you for your advices

    cheerz man

    ramez

  119. Nick says:

    Hey Sam,
    Although my situation doesn’t exactly fit what you are saying, I still would like to ask. I’m soon to be dating a girl. Her and I get along wonderfully, but there has been this one guy that’s there. My friends tell me he flirts with her when I’m not around, he texts her, talks to her all the time and frankly it’s starting to get to me and I don’t have a clue what to think. Part of me says to just let it be because we aren’t even dating yet. What should I do?

    • Hey Nick,

      It depends on the specifics of what you mean when you say you are “soon to be dating”. Relationships should be a mutual and progressive affair and so a pre-emptive comment like that suggests there is some confusion.

      If you are not dating this girl and there is no underlying assumption that you definitely will be, then there is no justifiable reason to be jealous or protective.

      Whatever the exact situation between you and this girl is, by far the superior mindset is to think of yourself as the perfect man for her and then act accordingly. Other men should only ever be viewed as competition in the sense of bettering yourself, and never as a catalyst for any negativity.

      If you and this girl get on wonderfully then the time is now to start to escalate and lead the relationship towards where you want it to be.

      All the best,

      Sam

  120. Steven/Mj says:

    I suppose I should start this off by saying that, any guy who has the balls to hit on another man’s girlfriend or wife is a douche and should get his ass kicked. In the morning I attend Monmouth County Career Center to learn a trade so I can get a job. Ever since I started going out with this girl, who is now my girlfriend, someday my wife, I know, I know that there are going to be guys that are going to try and get with her. I know trust is a big thing in relationships. Unfortunately the last girlfriend I had betrayed my trust, sleeping around with other guys and whatnot. So maybe I don’t have much of a reason to trust easily. I trust her. I don’t trust any guys around my girl. She’s told me that this kid in my class keeps bothering her, and I’m not cool with that. I am so close to kicking his ass after school on Monday. He needs to be taught a lesson.

    • Hi,

      I’d first like to point out that a man flirting with a taken woman is not inherently wrong. It is only when he is doing so in a disrespectful way that it is bad. Both what constitutes as “hitting on a woman” and what counts as “disrespectful” varies considerably between different men and hence, some men get jealous or protective far more readily than others.

      Trust is more than just hoping our partners will remain faithful… it is about trusting their character and that they will make the right decisions. Trusting a girlfriend and trusting the guys around her are actually mutually exclusive, and the former is far more important than the latter in the context of a relationship. It doesn’t really matter if you don’t trust the people outside the relationship, as long as you trust both of the people in it (you and your partner).

      This goes for the situation your girlfriend is in with the kid in your class too. Of course, it also depends on the extent of how this other guy is “bothering” her. I would strongly recommend against any physical violence either way. Getting your girlfriend to be direct towards him with her disapproval, or politely ignoring him where possible are both better options for everyone involved.

      All the best,

      Sam

  121. Jrrrl says:

    Some girl I was talking to and dated is telling me that she’s with a another person cause she’s trying to get over me since i told her that it wasn’t working out and gained good strong feelings and she stills txt me almost everyday and stuff. Do girls do that often??? Thanks

    • Hi,

      There are several reasons why a girl would do something like that: validation, mixed emotions or perhaps even ulterior motives.

      If you don’t want anything further to happen with this girl then simply phase out your replies. If you do then it is very easy to turn things around if she is already texting you lots. I wouldn’t worry yourself too much about her reasons for continually texting; simply lead the interactions towards the kind of relationship you want with this girl (be it friendship or something more).

      Regards,

      Sam

  122. Philosophy says:

    Hey Sam,

    I love your article however i have a question slightly different and wasnt completely covered. anyone else know anything also feel free to jump in. So about two or three weeks ago on new years, my girlfriend and I went to a party and at some point during the night i was side tracked and we were separated for about 30 minutes. After i found her again, she had told me a guy who had been creeping on her for about a year now tried to kiss her and pretty much did. she ran away after it had happened, and i said for him to stay away from her, however he doesnt to this day really listen. And being he tried twice on that nice to kiss her. He is also physically much larger than i am so i am not sure how to approach it.

    thanks

  123. Philosophy says:

    I would really like to do something about it for he shouldnt be kissing/trying to make out with my girlfriend.

    • Hi,

      There is usually a fine line between harmless flirting and physical inappropriateness. Of course a lot of this depends on the context of the situation and also how passive or one-sided the flirting was.

      It is rare that a man will shamelessly overstep that boundary, but forcibly kissing someone’s girlfriend would certainly fall under that category.

      Although your situation has gone a step further than some of the other comments above, the advice is similar. Confronting this guy or exasperating the situation rarely helps in the long run.

      The best thing you can do is be the voice of reason in the relationship and help your girlfriend find her own way to get this guy to back off. It is usually fairly simple for a woman to achieve this once she recognises that it is in her best interest to do so, as long as she never feels chastised on her way to making that conclusion.

      Thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  124. David says:

    Hey Sam,

    I stumbled onto your post because of a recent situation that has been developing between my new love interest and her boss at work. My girl and I met where we both work together, but in different departments, and have started seeing alot of each other for about a month. The relationship is still fairly new, but we both see it having the potential to go further.

    She was recently promoted by her department’s boss who I am familiar with and respect as a good guy. However, he just broke up with his long-term girlfriend and has started showing more interest in my girl. I didn’t let it bother me at first because I figured he was trying to help her understand her new job and she says that he is just a friend that she trusts.

    Well the other night she called me on the phone to tell me about her bad day at work. She made a mistake while training for her new job and was being very hard on herself. After encouraging her, she admitted that she had just gotten back from drinking at a bar after work to let off some steam. I had a feeling that she did not go alone, so I asked her she went with. She reluctantly told me her boss had asked her to get drinks after work and they met at a local restaurant that I had just taken her to a few days earlier. According to her, they talked about her job and her future at the company for a couple hours. I had called her around that time to see about her day but she didn’t answer my phone call because she was with him.

    I did not get upset at her, but let her know that the situation seemed potentially dangerous for her job considering the nature of their relationship at work. If it was another coworker, it could be different, but it is her direct supervisor who promoted her and now is taking her out for drinks. He also knows that we are dating and likes me, he thinks I’m a “great guy” and has told her that I’m the kind of guy he’d want his sisters to date. On the surface, this seems like a harmless relationship between my girl and her boss. But I can’t shake the feeling of something else brewing here. She says that she is not attracted to him, and I think she is telling the truth because physically and emotionally, we are way more compatible. Still, she respects his opinion of her alot and wants to please him by doing her best at work and when shes around him. I told her that she just needed to be careful, because things happen very fast, and I wouldn’t want her job to be in jeopardy because she put herself in a vulnerable situation. She asked me to trust her, and that she “knows when guys are hitting on her”, and he was just being very nice and trying to help her.

    Yet they are texting each other at work and outside of work, and he’s asked her out to lunch and drinks before with another colleague, but this was the first instance of a one-on-one meeting outside of the workplace. I am very confident about my feelings towards her, and also hers towards me. I feel it is too early in our relationship to act possessive, but she doesn’t see her time spent with her boss as a problem. She is a very nice girl who is very attractive and other guys at work (not her boss) have hit on her and she has rejected them. However, she can be naive and too trusting when it comes to guys, and she may not see how this friend and mentor whom she trusts could use his position to make her feel comfortable and try to make a move.

    Do you feel I have anything to be worried about here? How do I go forward without letting it ruin our relationship and still keep a happy face at work when I see them interacting? Your advice would be much appreciated.

    Thanks,
    David

    • Hey David,

      When someone starts seeing workmates in a social setting, it is sometimes difficult to know when a business relationship is becoming too affection. This is especially true if there is a hierarchy between the individuals, as any false assumptions can have far greater repercussions back at work.

      As it stands, I wouldn’t worry too much as it sounds like your girlfriend is aware of what is going on and merely wants to make a good impression. It works in your favour that you are on good terms with her boss and I would recommend keeping that friendship whilst he hasn’t done anything overtly wrong.

      All you need to do is concentrate on staying level-headed and being an awesome boyfriend. The fact that you don’t work directly with each other also works in your favour as you can be her release from any stresses at work. I wouldn’t focus on her relationship with her boss too much other than the things you have already discussed with her.

      Whether her boss has ulterior motives or not is unclear at the moment, but I am fairly sure your girlfriend would know when that line has been crossed. That line will perhaps be more blurred than usual due to the work dynamic and not wanting to damage any karma in the workplace but it does still exist.

      All the best and thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  125. Star says:

    Hi Sam,

    I’ve been dating a wonderful girl since mid-December 2011. She has alot of qualities I look for in a person (on the outside and on the inside). But there is ONE big problem…she has been putting guys in my face since we started dating. (My rule going into this relationship was NO talk of exes, and especially no name dropping or details that would make them “identifiable”. So I assure you I did not start this pattern, although at one point I got fed up and mentioned 3 exes, but with little details.)

    I have kept count and its now been 26 different guys now that she has mentioned in some way to seemingly make me jealous or boost her own ego (ie. “he said I have the best body ever”, “he asked me out”, “he is hot”, “he is so sweet”, “we were close”, etc .bla bla bla). Although she has occasionally dropped names, social status, and identifiable details in a random careless way, what bothers me most is that she often does so out of spite, to hurt me when she is feeling hurt or frustrated by something. I have asked, begged, for WEEKS for her to stop dropping names and it isnt stopping. Today, she is off to see the taping of a show that is hosted by a guy with whom she said she shared something a few years ago. Also today, she randomly sent me a text when she was feeling mad that “some guy on my Facebook friend list asked her out, and I guess its karma” she said. She also recently told me about a “hot golfer who is also a model” (she seems to attach superior importance to guys with celeb status) and worst of all I found a message from her to a famous rock drummer telling him a few weeks ago that she was pissed off (at me I guess) and wish she could sleep with him because she felt she earned it. Granted, I found this message because I looked at her FB messages when her browser was left open…but still I only did this because of the amount of guys she had put in my face up to this point and didnt seem interested in stopping. To further make me insecure, she had left pictures with 2 different exes on her fridge, until I finally asked about those 2-3 weeks into dating eachother. She has also kept in touch and confided to ex boyfriends, and keeps couple pictures of them on Facebook. I had done my own housekeeping (closure) before I met her so there were no pictures to stumble upon at my place or on Facebook.

    She says I always get mad but fails to see how her behavior of carelessly torturing me with “other guys” is nourishing this spiral, destroying our relationship AND my own self-assurance! I’m starting to be severely depressed because I have tried everything to make her understand how it makes me feel yet it still seems more important for her to tell me how desired she is by the men population than to have a quality relationship with me, and do what needs to be done to rebuild my trust.

    The odd thing too is that she is very good (so she says) at telling guys “no” and that she has a boyfriend. Yet, knowing that the moment she is mad at me she will threaten to go out with some other guy (a long list of candidates await), or that she will behind my back contact someone to get even (instead of talking about her feelings with me)….makes me wonder how much I can trust her.

    Please tell me how I can save this relationship and if there is anything I can do. I dont want to be a jealous guy but at the same time I am not finding her very respectful or taking responsibility for how she is making sure that this relationship will NOT work.

    Sincerely,
    Star

    • Hey Star,

      You say that you went into the relationship with a rule not to talk about ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends. With something as strict as that it is important to ensure that the feeling is mutual and also to understand why it is such a big issue.

      I agree that it is unnecessary to flaunt past relationships and some of your girlfriend’s methods do seem a bit disrespectful. However, it is more important to decipher the intention and where that stems from rather than the content itself.

      Whilst it may not be pleasant to visualise the things that she mentions, her past relationships and even her current social relationships sculpt the person she is today. A quick reframe about what those past relationships mean to the relationship she is now in with you should make the topic less uncomfortable or taboo.

      You never want to make your girlfriend feel that she CAN’T tell you something… only that you would PREFER her not to tell you in detail. That distinction might play a part in why she is disobeying your wishes.

      Each time you have any negativity or conflict in the relationship, she knows exactly what will push your buttons. Ironically, dealing with your own feelings and assuredness towards these ex-boyfriends and other men is likely to lesson how much she does actually talk about them.

      From a psychological point of view, all behaviour in a relationship can be seen as feedback (reactions and responses). You say that your girlfriend is seemingly trying to make you jealous or boost her own ego. If that is true, think about why she would want to do that. Perhaps she is craving for you to be more attentive or validating towards her.

      Relationships are about compromise, consideration and flexibility and although it is easy to shift the blame onto each other, ultimately you want to do your best to avoid giving her reasons or justification for playing any jealousy games.

      All the best,

      Sam

  126. guss says:

    hi…

    I came across this page because I am in am awkward situation…my gut and my brain are telling me two different things…

    I have been dating this girl for over a year now…we have been “official” from around month 4 until about month 10 but now are not “official” I guess you could say

    I don’t consider myself a jealous guy… And I felt like I was reassured of that while reading your responses…however, I’ve become very guarded in my relationship

    at the beginning of our relationship she still had her ex bf making contact with her…she said it would eventually phase out but it would be hard cause he doesn’t give up…I let it go for a few months but I always suggested that she not keep the door open for him to contact her, like pick up his phone calls and such…she said that he was no good for her but it was hard to just stop a relationship and she would always say that I am who she needs…I was always with her on the weekends and talked to her every night so I didn’t think she was seeing him…as time went there was a point in which she became distant and I gave her space and one day by coincidence I went out and saw her out and her ex was talking to her in the same place…I thought something was going on so I stopped talking to her…she constantly called me and tried to explain that it was a coincidence and to prove it that she would block his number and any communication…I trusted her and was able to regroup from this

    a few months down the road she got to the point where she started going out with friends and started making a lot of guy friends…she always got hit on via social sites and when we went out, but I didt think it was appropriate that she would exchange phone number with these guys who she says are now just her friends…she has become close to them and often gets a lot of favors and hangs out with them a lot but I never meet them or commingle with them…it came to a point where she would no longer show that she was in a relationship…she wouldn’t put picture of us up on her social sites, but she would put picture of her with her guy friends…and she would go out with them and not invite me…I thought it was very disrespectful so I stopped talking to her…she would still try to communicate with me and says she misses me and sends me pictures and asks to hang out but I would steer away…I was obviously still into her but it was hard to accept the way she was…after about a month or two of not seeing her and talking very little we got close again by talking things out and remembering the good times…so I gave in and hung out with her again…we reconnected and we talk all the time like we use to but I barely ever get to see her…last week she was admitted to the hospital for an ectopic surgery, where an egg gets stuck in the Fallopians, and she had them removed…I didn’t question her on who the pregancy was from because she said it was mine…but we have only been sexual once over the past two and a half months….I have been talking to her and around to help her for her recovery but every time I try to see her she doesn’t follow through with her plans…she won’t commit to anything and she still tells me about certain guy friends who she let’s help her out…I keep having the feeling that she is doing to me what she did to her ex by letting me be around and not cutting off communication and that she might be seeing one of these guys…I don’t know how to confront the situation at this point because I feel like if I’m making a big deal out of nothing and she is going through this emotional thing from the surgery it will make it worse for her but I can’t help feeling that another guy might be involved

    • Hey Guss,

      It is interesting how you open by saying your gut and brain are telling you two different things. Most people let their emotional side influence their logical side, whereas things generally work out a lot better in reverse.

      It seems like there is a lot of confusion in this relationship, not only regarding the relationship’s status but also exactly what you want and expect from each other.

      If you aren’t fully involved in a relationship together and 100% committed to each other then there is a possibility that there are other guys in the picture, something which becomes justifiable and even somewhat expected.

      Although she might be going through a fragile time due to the surgery and associated emotions, you have the ability to dictate through actions whether you want a committed relationship or not. If a committed relationship is what you want, let her know and act accordingly, disregarding any presumptions about other guys. Be the best option for her. That is the definition of logic influencing emotions. :)

      Thanks for writing and I hope it works out how you want it to,

      Sam

  127. shaun says:

    This cause’s alot of arguements in my relationship, People try it on with my mrs all the time even my own friends. I take my girlfiend out quite often around a group of friends some her mates, some mine or if we are down the pub. randoms or mates feel the need to hit on my girl when im there or when im not there.I do believe some of them do it for a reaction of me and i no my girl tells me everytime its happened which im gratfeful for. It gets my back up and can normally get out of hand theres been worse times than other.Makes it harder that its friends because you get worked up and say something back and you make yourself look like an idiot with which they reply with calm down im just joking with her/you but some of them am not just because some of them know my mrs as ive introduced her few months back they think they can get away with saying there joking. My girlfriend deals with things better than me but still drains her sometimes which gets my back up even more, It’s not all the time and most the time its always the same boring comments anyway even if they having a laugh they doing to be an arse. I could happily not take my girl around my mates but i dont believe that should happen she can handle herself and could spend more time with mates if i was not spending loads of time with her. I love my girlfirned and i no she is the same we trust each other but its just unwanted bullshit that no relationship should have to deal with.

    It also worry’s me a little when she out with her mates because people can get abit to much somtimes and its always a worry for your girls safety when she is out with mates up the town or wat not!!!

    Thanks For Great Article

    • Hey Shaun,

      Other guys hitting on your girlfriend is an unavoidable consequence of dating an attractive woman. Most people think that respecting a relationship’s boundaries in such instances is solely the responsibility of the other men and your girlfriend. The truth is that you can have a big influence over the situation by conveying certain attitudes and beliefs. This is especially true if it is friends of yours that are hitting on your girlfriend.

      What you ultimately want to do is command respect from the people you meet, and especially from your friends. You don’t have to be brazen in your conveyance but if other people fully respect you and your relationship, they won’t want to hit on your girlfriend.

      Ways to achieve this are to work on being less reactive like you say, so that you can laugh off most of these instances as insignificant. The second trait is to be more dominant and leading. It is perfectly acceptable to confidently yet amicably let people know if they are being inappropriate, as long as it comes from a place of empathy rather than insecurity.

      I’m glad you like the article and thanks for sharing your story,

      Sam

  128. James says:

    Hey, so I’ve been dating this girl for about three months now, we’ve been best friends for almost three years though. Getting into the relationship was easy because the only thing missing was the intamacy which picked up fast once it started. The problem was that I’m at school and she’s about an hour away at home and neither of us drive, it’s been phone calls ranging between 2-5 hours everynight since we started dating but they haven’t been a chore. In fact we have alot of fun talking even though we wish we were together. Most things are great, there’s no doubt that we love each other very much but there’s one thing I CAN’T seem to get used to. She is constantly talking about all of the people who hit on her at school, work, etc. from harmless polite old men giving a nice comment, to guys she works with who know that she’s in a relationship and ask her out to dinner with them, even her guitar instructor has asked if she would like to go on a camping trip with her even though sadly he’s “got two sleeping bags but only one tent”. The problem isn’t necisarily her being hit on, it happens to me too, whatever, it’s a part of life.

    What aggitates me is she goes on everytime we talk about each guy, how they hit on her, what they said, how even though they “look good” or “were suprisingly confident” she managed to talk them down without crushing them. There was one particular case that made me more than uncomfortable when she told me about the boy she worked with and how they went to a party with a bunch of her co-workers (just for clarity there was alchohol) and ended up sleeping on a futon with him………Now, a close friend of mine was there and slept with some girl in the same room, so I know nothing happened. But she says he kept saying things sort of alolikeng the lines of “Fooling around is harmless” and even though nothing happened, the fact that she didn’t just sleep in the other room with everyone else just gets to me.

    It’s situations like that alot, she brings up random events with her ex (sometimes good, sometimes bad) every couple of days and even had the nerve to say she thought her guitar instructor, who even her mom says needs to stop hitting on her, was “harmless” and she would go camping with him if it was a group setting. I know she hasn’t cheated on me, and I know it’s not out of spite she does this, but should I be worried? do I have a right to be aggrivated? Idk, help me out here

    • Hey James,

      Talking at length on the phone everyday is great in a relationship as long as it remains mutually enjoyable, affectionate and exciting like you describe. It is no surprise that accounts of other men are cropping up in conversation when you are talking that frequently. On the contrary, it would be more concerning if your girlfriend wasn’t mentioning other guys so casually!

      The main thing to do is put it all in perspective. She sounds deeply committed to your relationship and from what you have described, she also seems socially aware of other guys hitting on her and the dynamics behind it.

      When a woman is talking freely about male friends in terms of social settings and friendship, there is usually nothing to worry about. A woman mentioning any positive attributes of the men themselves in the same tone is a form of self-validation.

      The only time to worry would be if she was being purposefully vague or describing guys in terms of specific emotional reactions (fundamental to sexual attraction). Your girlfriend does not seem to do this and so everything seems fine.

      There is no harm in confidently voicing your concerns about big events such as her sharing a tent with her guitar teacher, but always frame it as him potentially having ulterior motives and not your girlfriend doing anything wrong. Talk only from a viewpoint of not wanting her to be put in awkward situations but that you trust she can take care of herself. Letting your girlfriend know that you trust her despite other men being in her life will make that trust feel far more sincere; she will actively want to honour it.

      In the meantime, ensure that your phone calls continue to be mutually enjoyable and never forced. When she mentions other men in her usual way, react in no different a manner than if she was talking about female friends: with neutral, common interest. You can’t influence what other men’s intentions are, but you can continue to solidify the bond and trust you two have, which is actually more important.

      All the best and thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  129. odhran says:

    Hi Sam
    i’ve been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now. we’re both in college in ireland, and live in the same house with three of our friends. things have been a bit rough lately and one of the main reasons for this is because of my jealousy. I feel i can work on it and control my anger but there are a few issues i’m unsure how to deal with.

    firstly is the issue of david, whom she had a fling with a few summers ago but he has failed to move on from this in my eyes. she insists they are friends, and i trust and believe her. he lives in england as he moved there to attend uni so they arent around each other that often, but he sends her hand-written letters occasionally, which seems to be harmless but i feel seem too romantic in my eyes. i still think he is trying to win her back. i dont know whether to confront him about the issue, because i feel he is disrespecting me as he has told her he still loves her since me and my girl have been an item. he is coming home next weekend and will probably ask her to meet up to catch up. i dont want to stop her being friends with him because thats wat she wants, but i dont like the way he acts towards her. should i say something to him, or wait to see if he really does cross the line?

    i’ve come across another issue recently. things havnt been great between us and she seems unhappy sometimes, so to try and get in her head, one night when she was asleep i read the last entry of her diary (i know i shouldnt have ,but she was finding it hard to tell me how she feels). it helped me realise the mistakes i am making, but i also found a problem she was having at work. a man who works in the building opposite the shop she works in part-time, has some how got hold of her phone number( perhaps off one of her work mates). she wrote on her diary, ‘he text me again yesterday , saying that i’m beautiful and really hot, and that he wants me. its really annoying.’ this really upset me. its not an appropriate way to talk to any girl. she doesnt know him apart from serving him in the shop she works at, and for him to come out and say these forward things to her is really inapropriate to me anyway. i dont know if he knows she has a boyfriend nor do i know how she dealt with him, but it makes me uncomfortable that he can still text her these texts and she will most likely incounter him again and again anytime she works.
    i want to help her and stop this guy from harrasing her, but i dont want to break our trust by telling her i read it in her diary.. i dont know what to do? i dont think she will tell me about it because she wont want me to get all annoyed and jealous..

    any help would be greatly appreciated as i dont have anyone to really talk about these issues too, thanks.

    • Hi,

      Although there are differences between the two scenarios you have described (one involves a friend of your girlfriend and the other involves an acquaintance), they should be treated in similar ways. You should only become actively involved if your girlfriend asks you to do so. Your priority should be to take her mind off those other men (as well as your own mind) rather than fuel anything that might be there.

      Jealousy can have uses in a relationship: it can make a relationship seem more sincere and does show that you care. It is how that jealousy is interpreted that is important though. Before you can expect to have direct influence over how your girlfriend views other guys and how she communicates that to you, you have to make her feel that any feelings of jealousy you have are with good intentions and never malicious or personal.

      Reading her diary isn’t automatically a bad thing, but the reasons why you did so and the manner in which you did probably won’t be seen favourably by her. Not much is gained from telling her you read it at this stage, unless she assumes that you have.

      As described in a lot of the other replies, the way to get your girlfriend to be more open about other guys hitting on her, along with her true feelings, is to convey a non-judgemental and understanding attitude. The irony is that by getting to that stage (learning to control feelings of jealousy and truly feel indifferent towards other men hitting on her), you would no longer feel a need to know all the details of these events, regardless of how keen she is to tell you.

      As for some practical advice, I wouldn’t recommend saying anything untoward to David when he visits. You should treat him exactly as you think your girlfriend would want you to treat him. You are already her boyfriend; you shouldn’t have anything to prove!

      The same applies to the man who met your girlfriend at work. They should be the sort of things that you and your girlfriend can joke about… but you only get to that stage by proving that you completely trust her and that you don’t blame her for any jealousy you feel.

      The other thing I would concentrate on in your situation is making sure your housemates are rooting for the relationship. They can act as great mediators if they actively want you guys to stay together.

      Thanks for visiting the website,

      Sam

  130. Javier says:

    Hello I am currently having a problem with my girl. So you see we started to go out but now she tells me that guys a lot by that matter have been telling her they love her or like her and want to get with her. She tells me that she either changes topic or stops talking to them if that happens. Im quite all right with her taking action on it but I am greatly worried because she recently has been talking to my Used-to-be-best-friend a lot, like the whole day, either in person and by text and she always hugging him. You see we had a history, a year ago, she broke up with me to go with my best friend, him. I really love her and so did I back then and that was painful but things changed over the course of time. Other stuff happened between them during the time they were together which I promised her not to tell. My question/problem is, what do I do, I don’t want her to leave me again for him because as I do recall she really loved him and it wouldn’t be surprising if she fell for him again and what do I do about those guys. Thank you very Much in advanced.

    • Hey Javier,

      If you are currently in a relationship with this woman then by definition you are already at the top of the pack. Don’t think of other guys as competition… You are only in competition with yourself!

      Another way to put it is that she will only want to be with this other guy if you shoot yourself in the foot and unintentionally make him seem like a better option. Forget about the threat or competition and constantly strive to be the best option available. Be a great boyfriend and treat her like you are the only one for her.

      This applies to any men that show romantic interest in your girlfriend, but especially a man which she has a history with. He will be thinking in the exact same way, but like I mentioned, YOU are her boyfriend, so you have the upper hand.

      One final thing to mention is to try and not speak or think negatively about this other guy. Doing so will only hinder everything I have said above, in both your own mindset and in your relationship.

      Thanks for stopping by,

      Sam

  131. Jarad says:

    Hey Samuel,
    Huge fan of your consistent page responses.

    I’ve got a little bit of a different one that I wanted to see what you thought.

    My gf and I have been together for 6 months, but last month we hit a bit of a rough patch. During it, I went with her to visit her family in Florida (we live in TX). We put our rough patch on the back burner while there and stayed civil in front of her family. While there, we became acquaintances with a step cousin of hers that neither of us had met before. He was quite and civil, so i didnt think anything of him.

    When we got back, our arguing continued for a few weeks. During that, she and the guy started talking on FB and that developed enough for them to exchange numbers. At this point, i didn’t know that they had become friends after the fact, but noticed a change in her texting volume and an element of secrecy when she would text him, such as hiding her phone when she normally wouldn’t or when she would see that it was him and i was right there, she would not check it where she normally would.

    I resolved to take her out to get over the episode where we could have a great date and talk out our problems and it worked. She was texting throughout the night and around 1am she was showing me something her on her phone, he texted her.

    I ignored it until Valetines day, where she opened her phone to a text of him saying ‘hey there’. At this point, i started to ask her who that was and she told me that they became friends and he was interested in opening a restaurant in Texas. It didn’t really add up to me, but i let it go.

    His texts became very overwhelming for the rest of the week and after a night where she basically text chatted w him while w me at the bar until the bar closed, I decided to express my concern over their growing relationship.

    She admitted that he expressed interest in her but says that they are just friends and that she didn’t think i trusted her. She took me trying to set a boundary as being too controlling. I told her that i didnt want her to defriend him, but to take steps to make there friendship more appropriate. That was 2 weeks ago.

    Now, she doesn’t text him while I’m around but i know they still talk everyday. Since he lives far away, i cant befriend him. She still never mentions him and keeps it hidden.

    Is there anything that i should be concerned about? It appears to be signs of an ‘emotional relationship’, which really bothers me if she goes back to florida without me.

    • Hey Jarad,

      Emotional cheating is a tricky act to pinpoint as it can vary drastically in intensity. Also, if there is no malicious intent on your girlfriend’s behalf, it is unlikely that she thinks she is doing anything wrong. Either way, emotional cheating is a symptom of certain aspects of a relationship, rather than an active cause.

      If there is anything ominous going on between them then it is down to the fact that she is getting something from this other guy that she doesn’t feel she is getting from you currently. This could be something as simple as her feeling that he listens to her better, or he could be spiking her emotions and making her feel good about herself (which would be the basis of attraction).

      Without any knowledge of the sort of things they are texting each other, it is difficult to discern the exact nature of their relationship. Whilst their relationship remains platonic, you have the ability to influence not their relationship but your own. If you want to prevent her looking elsewhere then you want to make sure you are taking care of all of her physical and emotional intimacy needs, even if you are going through bad patches in other areas.

      Even though you can’t personally befriend this other guy better due to the distance, you want to avoid vilifying him or making it known that you see him as a threat. If your girlfriend senses either of those things, it will only prompt her to be more secretive and the increased tension will allow him to become even more of an outlet for her.

      Making sure your relationship is fulfilling for both of you and encouraging each other to be more open about these sorts of things are two separate issues, but they most certainly correlate with each other.

      Rather than viewing her friendship with this other man as a potential relationship breaker, view it as a gauge for how well your relationship is doing. Her openness about their interactions is proportional to your mutual trust, and the intensity of their emotional relationship is proportional to your mutual fulfilment as a couple.

      I am actually in the process of writing an article on the topic of boundaries, which should give you some more ideas on how to stay informed without coming across as controlling. It should be posted within the next few weeks if you would like to read it.

      Thanks for commenting,

      Sam

    • Jarad says:

      Thanks Sam!
      Just wanted to follow up on this situation. I was able to back off any notion that i viewed this guy as a threat and tried to listen to her better and be the best guy i could be to her with great results. There seemed to be a lack of enjoyment right after we hit a hard patch so i made an aggressive attempt to appear fun and easy-going, with plenty of jokes and statements that made me appear confident yet aiming to please her.

      Now days, she texts and communicates with me more than she did and isn’t texting him back. They might still communicate, but it’s at a healthy level that isn’t affecting our relationship.

      Thanks again for the advice.

    • That’s awesome to hear; thanks for the update.

      Sam

    • Jarad says:

      Hi Sam,
      Though I did let you know that things are better between my girlfriend and I, I’ve noticed that this guy is still texting with my gf a ton. I’ve taken your advice to not show any (well, any more since I wrote you) signs that i view the guy as a threat, but he is getting very forward with emotional and sexual advances toward her. Though she is turning him down and telling him she wants to be a friend, I feel like she is leading him on or something. Not turning him down to the point that he stops his advances.

      Also, I thought that they texted less, but it has just become more secretive, which you mentioned. If he texts while i’m there, she will avoid opening the text or saying who it is and if he asks why she didn’t respond, she’ll say she was at work when she was with me.

      “Her openness about their interactions is proportional to your mutual trust.” You wrote that regarding the matter. I did show him as a threat before I originally wrote you but have corrected my ways since March 7th, but she hide him before that.

      My question is, should I be worried that she is hiding it? Should I talk to her?

    • Hi Jarad,

      Your girlfriend seemingly hiding texts from you is probably still more influenced by the assumptions surrounding their relationship than the actual content of the messages.

      You can ask her directly about the sort of things he texts her these days but make sure that you don’t sound accusatory or suspicious, or that she doesn’t interpret it that way at least. If she insists that the messages are private then casually enquire why she would hide anything from you. There is a fine line between coming across as jealous in such situations so be careful if you go down this route.

      The whole thing comes back to your own relationship though. If you are both happy then ignore what this other guy is doing. It is only if you genuinely think that your girlfriend is becoming distant or contemptuous towards you that you need to find out the true nature of what they are messaging each other.

      Take care,

      Sam

  132. Frank says:

    This is really good advise and i will do my best to keep the jealousy in check. I have a few questions myself:

    My only problem is that on occasions that i have witnessed myself when she has been hit on in front of me, she did not in my eyes act appropriately at the time. Some people have flirted with her or even say really rude things like “i wanna tap that” or “if you didn’t have a boyfriend i would hit that” and she just let it slide. I guess for me i felt like she should’ve stood up to it and made sure they knew that those comments were inappropriate. But she doesn’t. Or when people say very sly flirty things to her, she just accepts it. I feel like if girls talked to me like that and i just let it slide, she would be upset. I’ve mentioned to her multiple times that these guys are into her, but she is so oblivious to the fact and just swears they are just being nice and they are just friends. But i’m a guy and i KNOW for the fact that those flirty little things they say are obvious signs of them hitting on her. I don’t know if she just doesn’t like confrontation or she just loves the attention.

    And on another note, she is very secretive when it comes to guy friends. When she is talking about or making plans with people she always say “oh a friend” when it is a guy but when it is a girl she mentions their name. I’ve mentioned it to her before that there is no reason to be all secretive because it creates unnecessary conflict. Sure i admit i am insecure but i am working hard to not be. I feel like a good way to battle that is that she just be honest with me who she is talking/hanging out with and it will help me be more comfortable with it. But even with that talk she still keeps being secretive which makes me always think does she have something to hide? When she now meets new guy friends and text them all day long, she gets all secretive about it. How should i just deal with her loving the attention and friendships of guys who are clearly into her and not being open about it with me? i’ve only met a few of single guys that she are friends with and some of them are really cool and nice, but others are obviously really into her. I obviously can’t stop her from being friends with single guys, but does it get to a point where it is inappropriate? To combat my insecurities would it be inappropriate to ask her to just introduce me to her new friends just so i can meet them? Maybe that way i will feel better about them.

    Thanks and hopefully you can share your thoughts.

    • Hey Frank,

      There are many reasons why your girlfriend might react passively when she is hit on. Three common reasons are politeness, wanting to avoid confrontation and simply not knowing how best to react.

      The important thing is that she doesn’t actively react inappropriately; intentionally leading those men on for example. Appropriate behaviour in this instance should be judged on a lack of inappropriate behaviour rather than something quantifiable by itself. From a woman’s point of view, remaining neutral and ignoring guys that hit on her is often the best course of action for everyone involved. It shouldn’t be taken personally.

      A woman showing naivety towards another man’s true intentions is extremely common. Unless a woman is particularly vulnerable though, these one-sided friendship/infatuation dynamics are no threat to a relationship as it stands. Yes it might be harsh on the other men to confuse affection with romance but it is almost always best for your relationship if you don’t get actively involved in a negative way. Brief comments and opinions in discussion are fine but appreciate that your girlfriend having a different point of view does not necessarily mean that she has a different level of commitment to the relationship.

      Asking your girlfriend to introduce you to some of these men may help you feel more comfortable about it all. This should only be done with the right intentions on your behalf though: wanting to befriend these people and make everyone more comfortable and clear about where they stand.

      As for your girlfriend being more secretive about meeting guys, that probably comes down to how you have influenced her views on those friendships and how she thinks you will react. It becomes a bit of a double-edged sword because if your girlfriend were to be more honest with you, there would be less insecurity; if there were less insecurity, your girlfriend would be more honest! This is something you can talk to her about, and reassure her that you like to know those things out of interest rather than out of accusation.

      All the best and thanks for commenting,

      Sam

    • Frank says:

      Thanks for the reply Sam!

      In regards to her making friends and being secretive about it, we had a good talk and she agreed with me that it would be great that she can just be more open about it. She was worried on how I would react, and I reassured her that I would be very comfortable and okay about it and that there was no real reason to be really secretive about it. We are in a good understanding and to help her insecurities as well, I would be more open to the girls I would be meeting and talking to.

      When I talked to her however about being hit on and her reactions she pointed out that she does revel and like it. Obviously all women love being hit on as they feel that they are attractive and it makes them feel better about themselves. She admitted to me that there is kind of a hole that is missing that she needs the validation of attractive guys hitting on her. This is because she has always been a studious girl through high school and college and kind of missed out on being social and interaction with men. She’s had boyfriends before and only been hit on by what she feel as “creepy” guys. So right now she’s been kind of looking for those more attractive men to hit on her so she can feel more validated.

      I know maybe it is just a phase, but I do honestly feel that is it kind of a blow to my ego a little bit. Because for me I never really seek out nor care about other women’s interest in me, I just work hard to keep my own girlfriend’s interest and love in me. Is it really that normal that me as her boyfriend do not provide enough validation for her? Is it really just a phase? How should I really feel about it if she is needing the attention from attractive men because she never really got the chance to go through that?

      Thanks for your comments, and I really learned a lot from all your other articles.

    • Hi again,

      That’s great that you’ve discussed the secrecy issue together appropriately. If you both continue to remain calm and rational regardless of what you tell each other, it sounds like there will be less ‘secrets’ from now on.

      Most women enjoy attention and validation from other men, whether consciously or not. How much they actually seek that validation though correlates with their own self-esteem. Either way, it is a phase that becomes less important as priorities and sexuality change and mature.

      I know it can sometimes seem disrespectful or unnecessary for a woman to flaunt such external validation but the most important thing is that you give her the validation that counts: a deeper sense of validation, incorporating commitment, intimacy and a genuine love of her, not just her looks. Any validation that she gets from other men is superficial by nature and is not in direct competition to your relationship. In some ways it is good that she can fulfil some of that desire of hers from others and not use it to become needy or supplicating towards you.

      As with the first issue, if you continue to discuss your feelings with each other where appropriate, you should be able to at least know how, why and when she is doing such things.

      I hope that answers your questions more fully,

      Sam

  133. Jack says:

    The “joke” defence. Recently my girlfriend of a year and 4 months started work and a collegue of hers asked her out, this was before anyone was aware she was taken. Despite being told she wasnt single the guy constantly questioned my existance. Just to note ive never met this person and i never will since her work is far away and i have to spend this time studying. I have zero control over what happens there.

    Anyway he continues to make pretty crude “jokes” toward her getting cruder and cruder over time. This started a few weeks ago with a “maybe you should cheat with me” to “heres how id do (explicit thing X to you)” and “think about me when youre with him” and “youre so beautiful” every single day. My girlfriend says she mentions me in response and tells him to shut up but he always persists. According to her this is a joke, he has no real interest and he does this only to get her goat, responding to her accusation of “this is technically harassment” with “its too funny to stop and its only a joke”. She doesnt see an issue here really and cant understand why someone saying these things to her behind my back would get to me. Ive let her know how i feel and she says im making a big deal out of nothing. Its annoyed her when ive brought this up so i dont plan on forcing the issue again.

    It isnt that im jealous, im just not comfortable with someone talking to my girlfriend in this way. The things he says are very explicit and i personally dont want her to be talked to like that. She is adamant that she doesnt mind though. And that it really isnt my business. And it isnt a big deal. But i cant see any context in which these things are even close to acceptable. I just want this guy to go away. Its disgusting and i dont want her to be talked to like that regardless of if its a “joke” or not. its almost like she enjoys or doesnt mind being talked to like that and even if he did go away im not comfortable with that attitude. What can i do?

    • Hey Jack,

      I understand exactly where you are coming from and these sorts of men will crop up from time to time in relationships. Be careful not to be too biased or judgemental without having met this person as that will only negatively affect how you react whenever he is mentioned.

      The fact that your girlfriend sees it all as a joke and no more than flirty banter means that regardless of how sleazy or sexually frustrated the guy might seem from an outside viewpoint, it does not have to be harmful to your relationship. You want to do your best to not make it a big deal like you mentioned and the whole thing is likely to blow over.

      I’ve seen this sort of dynamic many times before and your girlfriend will know precisely when the “joke” has become more sinister. Whilst the flirting is purely verbal and not in your presence, it does come solely down to what your girlfriend decides is inappropriate, not you.

      You can influence the boundary of what she deems inappropriate by helping her see things from your perspective, or asking her how she would feel if the tables are turned. Doing so does run the risk of coming across as overbearing, overly protective or jealous though, so think carefully about the best way to discuss it if you decide to.

      Other than that, encourage your girlfriend to keep you informed. Trust that she does know where the boundary is and that she would know what to do if it was genuinely crossed (no longer a “joke” in her mind).

      All the best,

      Sam

  134. Justin says:

    Hey Sam, this page has been really helpful, thank you. I was hoping to pick your brain about something

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for just under a year. She is a wonderful woman with so many fantastic qualities and I really think she is the one. Lately I think I have been experiencing feelings of jealousy and I am just trying to process some thoughts that I was hoping to get some different perspectives on.

    Beyond being perhaps one of the most intelligent, compasionate, kind, caring, and engaging people I know, my girlfriend is also incredibly beautiful (and I’m saying this pragmatically). She has a great smile, is tall, thin, long legs, in great shape, dresses very well, has peircing light blue eyes, and a beautiful face. She is very friendly with everybody and is very approachable. She is just an all-around amazing person with the looks to match. With that, she is approached by men very frequently which is not surprising and she deserves all the attention she gets. She also maintains friendships with men even when she knows they want more.

    Questions:
    -What are some of the reasons you suppose she likes to wear skirts all the time (she rarely ever wears pants even when it’s really cold and many of them are somewhat short because she is quite tall)?
    -Do you think it is fair to the men she maintains friendships with who want more than just friendship?
    -Should we consider avoiding social situations where there are sexualy frustrated men present?
    -Does all of this just sound like I’m being super jealous and shouldn’t even be thinking about this at all?

    Your thoughts would be much appreciated. I generally try not to think about this stuff, but lately I’ve been curious about all of the above.

    Thanks in advance

    • Hi Justin,

      It sounds like you are in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I will answer your questions in order…

      There are many reasons why women wear provocative clothing but the main ones are cultural conditioning and peer approval. Unless a skirt is overly short then I wouldn’t even class it as sexually provocative anyway. She probably does enjoy the validation from other men and women but that in itself is not anything damning. You definitely don’t want to be seen as forcing her to dress in a certain way. If you stifle your girlfriend’s sexuality in any way, it actually affects how sexually expressive she will be in general and towards you.

      It is fair to maintain friendships with men that want more than friendship as long as she is clear about that friendship and doesn’t intentionally lead them on. Those men are free to end the friendship if they aren’t content, although only particularly confident men with an abundance mentality towards women would do so. Your girlfriend will know if they ever cross a boundary of that friendship.

      There are sexually frustrated men pretty much everywhere you go unfortunately. Some will be more obvious or unreserved in displaying that fact but you shouldn’t let that dictate where you go. You can choose who you interact with in social situations and if someone is being inappropriate, politely excuse you and your girlfriend.

      It is normal to think about these sorts of things on occasion but the important thing is to not let any jealousy affect how you treat your girlfriend. Let her be her own woman and let her know that you trust her. If you treat your relationship as unyielding and act accordingly, you will always know the difference between real concerns and self-imposed fears.

      I hope that answers your questions,

      Sam

  135. Austin says:

    Hey I don’t really know if you still do this and all but I’m just having a problem
    So I’m 17 and I’m dating a 19 she is in college and I’m still in high school do its hard. We have been dating for a year and like 7 months and she is amazing. Well she works at a local applebees and one of her co-workers keeps on hitting on he. He will ask her to go on dates or come over and cuddle with him watch a move come home with him and everything. It started with like he said she was cute then it went to making her sit on his lap or something. I talked to her and she told me. But then next he grabbed her and turned her around and kissed her on the cheek. ( I don’t really understand how somebody can just kiss you like that ). Then I keeps on going to grabbing her butt and trying to hold her hand and I get quite mad and upset with the whole thing so I talked to her and asked if I could do something and she said no that she would do something then it keeps on happening again and again and she can’t like get away she works there so I’m stuck with this. She won’t let me try to help. She won’t tell him to stop and if she does he won’t. Ohhh and the bad thing is the guy is like 29 or sownthing like that but he’s ripped and everything. I just was hoping for some advise.

    • Hi Austin,

      The first thing to try and do is not affix any stereotypes to your relationship or anyone associated with it. For example, the fact that you are two years younger than your girlfriend is not an issue as long as you always act like it is not an issue. Also, the fact that this other guy is older and “ripped” does not change the situation at hand.

      The last thing anyone wants in their place of work is drama, so it is definitely best that you don’t get directly involved unless your girlfriend specifically asks you to. There are ways to criticise this other guy’s behaviour without sounding jealous, threatened or angry. The main thing is that you tackle this situation with the aim of making your girlfriend more comfortable, rather than making yourself more comfortable.

      Discuss with your girlfriend which aspects of this guy’s behaviour she thinks are inappropriate and ways she can stop him doing it without causing any drama. Try to be as unbiased as you can when you discuss these topics, so she knows you have her best interests at heart.

      Other than that, have trust in your girlfriend and your relationship. Her co-worker doesn’t sound particularly smooth and although some of his behaviour might seem inappropriate, it doesn’t sound like anything that is really going to create problems in your relationship. As long as you and your girlfriend remain honest and open with each other, his input should be no more than a minor annoyance.

      Thanks for reading and writing in,

      Sam

  136. Jay says:

    Hi, I have been with my gf for well over 3 years now. I am 21 now and she is 19. Before we went out she has lots of guy friends and lots of crushes. She had like 5 ex and she was my first. I have been always been the shy type of guy, never talked to any girls. My first interaction with girls, started in grade 11. All those other time, I really never had any interest in girl until I met my gf. Though to mention, she rejected me and went out with some other guy. Talked to my while being with her bf without his permission. then after when they broke up. we kept talking to each other. And I could not wait any longer so I asked her out and that’s how our relationship started. In our 1 and hlf months, I found out from her “facebook” account tht she talked to a lot of guys, prolly 100-200 pages full of guys. She talked to a lot of them, gave them her cell phone # and talked to them. Most guys were random. Many were friends. As I am a very jealous guy and I had never been in a relationship to know how to handle it, I took the way of confronting my gf and yelling at her. So soon I understood that it was her past and it should not bother me because I have nothing to do with it. All I asked her from that point on to not to ever lie to me.

    Now, that its been over 3 years now. She has lied to me a lot of time. I know she loves me but either I’m thinking she lied when she didnt, or she is actually lying. Some of the “for sure” lies are: I found 100 phone numbers of guys in her closet. That raises the question, if she wanted to keep those #’s why did she not say so to me? she scared? if shes scared, why would she even do it in the first place? well that happen in our 9 months.

    Next lie: I had a feeling about this cousin of her’s, not really acting like how a cousin should. I understand hugging, grabbing arms, teasing by tickling and all that happens with brother/cousins. but I had a feeling it was way more. So, I waited. I would rarely going through the conversation, ask her bout him. Once I asked, “So hows your cousin brother?” she replied, “who?” I asked, “your cousin brother *his name*” She replies, “he’s not my brother, hes my cousin” Now, dsnt that ring a bell? i was surprised she said that, thinking if she does not consider her cousin her brother, then what does she consider him? But still I didnt do anything and forgot about him for a while. Then I have a habit to go through her computer, as I feel is the best way to find out what shes been upto. So I find her’s and his convo on msn, and I would not mention the whole convo but this is what pissed me off. He said, “don’t you want to try me?” and yes, he was talking about *sex*. Now, why would her own cousin say that. So, first thing I did was, confront her and asked her what is this. She had a surprised face and then went statue for few seconds. I was pissed off, as i have short temper, so i asked her not to talk to this guy again, because from what i read from the convo, it was her cousin who was the one trying to lead her to that inappropriate topic. She never talked back to him, as of what I know of and neither did she ever mentioned about him yet. I am trying to trust her.

    Biggest lie: Now, this happen just before our 3 years. So, the situation goes like this. And I do believe that some of this is my fault too. I got my gf pregnant when she was just 18 by mistake obviously. We were always always careful but it happened somehow. So, obviously she can’t tell her parents and she didnt know she was pregnant for sure until her 12th or 13th week. So, it was a big problem. We talked many times over the phone (as I was not able to see her because of issues with my parents) and we came to conclusion that she should drop it and I said i was sorry and promised we would be much more careful. So, she next problem that came was that she needed money to get her abortion because she was in her 14th week now and she had no money. She took her money that she got for her dentist appointment from her mom (as I had no control over the situation and was unfortunate not to help my gf in any means at that time when she needed me the most). So she used that money for her abortion, but when she went there, they asked her to come again and bring another amount. Now, she needed double the money she had! She was freaking out because she needed it the next day, she didnt know how to get that much money so fast. She was crying and freaking out and honestly, I believe I was not at all supportive. You could say, I was the bad person overall. I kept yelling at her saying, she doing shit when she cried and freaked out. So, when she went for the 1st and was coming back. She talked to this guy and this guy was like. Please talk to me, I really like you. She told me everything. She told me how she took his number and how she is going to and feel like taking money from him, but shes gona return it to him later on. I was pissed off about her talking to a guy and then taking his number. As I am short tempered you can predict my reaction. Anyways, so we argued for a while, and instead of me supporting her in this difficult situation, I was accusing her and blaming her for doing shit for money and calling her “names.” So somehow she was able to get money from her mom and got her abortion done. Weeks passed, I said sorry to her for being an asshole. She forgived me. So, not a while passed and I was going to through her computer again. And I found a convo of some other email which wasn’t hers. Opened it and found out. Shes been in a long-distance relationship with this person since she got her abortion. I confronted her and believe me it was so pleasant for either of us. She actually showed off her body to him and talked about every possible sexual fantasy with him. When I confront her she was scared, surprised and statue. I started crying and was shivering. She tried holding me and kept saying sorry but I left her. she kept begging to be with me for over a month and I finally went back to her realizing that it was her fault only, it was mine as well.

    That was our relationship problems. To tell you, my gf actually encourages me to be jealous and loves it. She wants me to tell her to stop anything that I don;t like. But I personally feel something is not working. I have hard time trusting her. Though shes doing her best now to give me her full trust. If I call her, she says, I’m at this place and I’ll take pictures for you. I say no its okay but she still takes pictures to prove it to me that shes there. I mean this girl really wants to be with me and I can see it. But looking at the past behaviors, it is kind of hard to believe, if shes like this for real or I am just a time pass kind of thing. My problem is, I am trying to trust her but I can’t. Not just because of her past behaviors but also because of me. I always wonder if I am triggering another “BOMB” inside of her that will make her cheat again. I seriously agree, when she cheated it was my fault as well, but this thing is eating me from inside. I don’t know how to act or what to do. I need help because I believe shes a very innocent girl who does not know the consequences of some things she does. I know she will grow out of her childhood soon and be more reasonable to things she does. She is being very mature about many things already. I believe she is the one. but I don’t want to make mistakes. I will move on if necessary, but I want to give our relationship one last try. I just don’t feel like dumping our 3 years of relationship so easily.

    Can you suggest some things I could do keep her happy and yet avoid every possible threat to our relationship? Can you please tell me any issues/behaviors that I might have to work on? What is best and worst for our relationship?

    Thank you, really appreciate it.

    And Great article.

    • Hi Jay,

      You are at a waypoint where in order for this relationship to prosper once more, you need to take a step back and reassess several aspects of not only your relationship but also your own thoughts, feelings and actions.

      You mention that your girlfriend is an innocent girl who does not always know the full consequences of what she is doing. A lot of the lying examples you have mentioned do not seem as malicious as you have perhaps interpreted. They can easily be justified rightly or wrongly as a result of insecurities and undesirable behaviour on your behalf, as well as inadequate mutual awareness and understanding.

      Your girlfriend is still young. Even though she has past relationship experience, she will still be learning a lot about the dynamics of your relationship and all her other social links. It sounds like she can at times be easily manipulated and that is something you want to be extremely wary of.

      It is your reactions and subsequent behaviour that is as much a threat to the relationship as any deception or lies on her behalf. This is particularly notable with the whole situation of the abortion, where you have admitted you were not as supportive as you could have been.

      I’m not here to condemn anyone’s past actions but the fact is that there are always several factors with any issues related to trust, jealousy and control. Perhaps your girlfriend has developed a habit of lying about certain aspects of her social life; what you want to do is give her no reason to do so from now on. In fact, reward her honesty by being a loving and supportive boyfriend at ALL times. This isn’t through being controlling, but by developing a level of communication that voids any perceived benefits from lying or accosting each other.

      Speak to each other about what you reasonably expect from each other and try your hardest not to view anything as a potential threat to the relationship. In a sense, nothing is a threat to a relationship because whilst you are together, you should always be aware of each other’s feelings and desires. That is something every relationship should constantly be focusing on!

      Take care,

      Sam

  137. JacK says:

    Hi Sam,

    Your website is brilliant. Clearly a lot of other people have found it useful to reading the comments.

    My gf of almost 2 years is a beautiful, kind, and fun girl. An amazing person. We get along so well.

    But, she does get hit on a lot. I have to say though that her morales are good. She’s a good person. I trust her 100%. It’s the guys (that she knows form school or work) that inbox her who bother me.

    I have been struggling with jelousy recently, dealing with it by uncontrolably over-reacting. This just made me look bad, and highlighted my insecurities. Insecurities that I realise now have come from not feeling like the best version of myself, “the best option”.

    This website is one of the best sources of advice I could have wished for. Recently my gf received more messages from old school friends that are trying to hit on her. She does speak to them, but defuses the situation if it crosses the line. Good girl!… Thanks to your advice I feel like I can control the demon that is jelousy, and be the confident guy that she is crazy about again. This not only goes for my relationship, but my business, my social life…everything! I’m starting to feel like the best version of myself again.

    Hopefully one day there will be no jelousy to control!

    Do you think that I can regain a non-jelouse reputation with her again?

    Reading your article has helped immensly. Thank you.

    • Hey Jack,

      Thanks for your praise; I’m glad you like the website so much.

      That’s awesome to hear your take on everything. You sound like you are definitely on the right track and it also sounds like you have a great girlfriend. Keep concentrating on the important aspects of your relationship and put as little thought as possible to all the extraneous factors such as other guys hitting on her… they are insignificant if all the other pieces of your relationship are in place.

      There will always be times where a bit of jealousy or a related insecurity creeps in, but as long as you keep your thoughts positive and rational, as well as continuing to be the best version of yourself you can be like you say, those moments will become far less frequent.

      Your girlfriend will respond and react to how you are now, not how you were before, so yes you can certainly put any incidents of jealousy behind you very easily.

      Thanks for reading the website and sharing your story,

      Sam

  138. Don says:

    Hows it going….

    Heres something thats been bugging me… ive been with my girl for 5 months now, and we really do love each other, but in the past there have been times where she was somewhat unfaithful in my opinion… there was a week where she got hit on twice… im not sure if shes someone i could truly trust because of these issues

    the first time she was having a smoke and a guy approached her while i wasnt there, and they talked… he then asked for her number … she didnt give her number but she gave her messenger address… now in my eyes, this is somewhat unfaithful because 1. she shouldnt be talking to guys that obviously have the intention of picking her up, and 2. she gave out her information.

    Now there was another time where i was going upstairs to grab something from my place, while she was waiting down stars. When i came down i saw her walking away from a group of guys, and she had this look on her face when i saw her… she told me they tried to pick her up and kept asking for her number, but this time she didnt give it, and that they said they only wanted to be friends, but its obviously a lie to get her guard down… the thing that bugged me was that even though she knows they are trying to pick her up, she still stood there and laughed and talked to them… kind of disloyal in my mind..

    i talked to her and told her she shouldnt be so friendly with guys that are trying to get with her, and that if she enjoys the attention so much that she should be single instead of getting me all worked up over this bull…. i know this may come off as jealous, but i dont think it is, im just the type of guy that expects full loyalty and trust towards the girl i love. i dont know what it is but she had this weird grin on her face while i was explaining to her what guys intentions were when they come up to her and talk to her… she said she didnt know thats all they wanted, and thought they actually want to be friends. shes very gullible, simple minded and innocent in that way.

    anyways she said she understood and it wont happen again, but i feel kind of betrayed and feel like i cant give her my 100% because of these things, and now i feel like im not sure if i want to be in a relationship because of these trust issues. Shes going on a trip soon and im not gonna be around, i feel like i almost cant trust her, even though she says i can. Ive been with many females intimately, but this is my second time actually falling in love, and the pain i felt from the first one ending kept me away from wanting a relationship, i kind of wish i didnt fall in love again because the feeling of letting someone you love go is heartbreaking. Its really been bugging me on the inside and kind of has my confidence down, ive always been a vibrant and outstanding, im good looking and in good shape, but im sensitive when it comes to relationships… even though i know i have to stay strong and confident.

    Help me out here ,

    Thanks

    • Hey Don,

      Although the examples you give clearly affected you in some way, you have to look at the bigger picture and more importantly, try to see the situation from your girlfriend’s perspective.

      When it comes to guys hitting on your girlfriend, it doesn’t matter what the other guy’s intentions are, it matter what your girlfriend’s intentions are! A loyal and trustworthy girlfriend is not one who is forced to act in a certain way. A loyal and trustworthy girlfriend is one who, regardless of what they do, always deeply respects the relationship and wants to be with you. It helps tremendously if she feels like she can be completely honest and open with you, once again regardless of what has happened.

      By making assumptions about what your girlfriend’s actions imply, you will come across to her as overly protective and verging on controlling. If such attitudes persist, she will start to feel like she can’t actually be the person she wants to be whilst in a relationship with you. Perhaps your girlfriend is being naïve about the intentions of other men, but let her be! She will snap out of any naivety the moment something truly inappropriate occurs from her perspective.

      The fact of the matter is that you can’t shield your girlfriend from all male interaction without becoming manipulative or controlling. You will also never truly know what another man wants when he interacts with your girlfriend and what he is really thinking when he discovers she is unavailable. The simple answer is to try not to worry about that which you cannot change without compromising your relationship!

      Women that get hit on a lot have to come up with ways to deal with attention that is often ambiguous. One way is to be friendly with everyone who doesn’t cross certain boundaries in her mind. Find out what your girlfriend’s boundaries are with regards to other men hitting on her and use those as a basis for how “loyal” she is. The worst thing to do would be to jeopardise her ability to be a friendly, polite and attractive woman because you are afraid of what might become of certain interactions.

      You say that you are confident in several aspects of your life. Think about what makes you confident in those areas and how you feel at the time and apply them to your relationship.

      Trusting your girlfriend is not about trusting her on your terms; it is about trusting her on mutual terms. If you become succinct at respectfully communicating those terms with each other, you will never have to assume or impose what they should be.

      Take care,

      Sam

  139. Jake says:

    Thank you sam for the article. I read a few comments but didnt see anything on my situation.
    My main problem stems from my girlfriend talking to and hanging out with guy friends whom she has hooked up with before we started dating. I trust that she is not going to do anything but it drives me crazy cause I know that the guys just want to get with her. I have talked to her about it a lot but it doesn’t seem like it is going to stop.
    Some of these men range from casual hookups that talk to her once in while, to a particular individual who she was hooking up with and is now her “best friend”. He has proclaimed his love for her and talks about when they used to hook up. I have talked to her about this particular case and she says she talks to him less but I am not sure.
    The main thing that gets me is that if for some reason we breakup then she has all of her old hookups just waiting for her! I just feel like they are talking to her cause they are waiting for me to leave the picture and then they will make their move.
    What should I do?

    Jake

    • Hey Jake,

      I know it can be difficult to see your girlfriend interacting with men from her past but try not to place them in a special category from other random men in her life.

      Remember that their relationship or whatever happened ended for a reason, and she is presumably with you because she wants to be. Remaining friends with ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends should be normal; they played a part in each other’s lives so why shouldn’t they be amicable. It is only people giving that remaining friendship assumed, special meaning that it becomes an issue at all.

      You are her boyfriend now and you have the ability to establish that role. Make sure your relationship is different to what she has with any other men. That includes intimacy, attraction, security and emotional stability. The men in question are only cementing their friendship with her if they continue to interact with her as a friend, so don’t worry about what their true intentions might be.

      If you were to breakup then it would be because the relationship wasn’t working, which would make the situation we’re discussing completely different. Assumptions about what might happen after a breakup shouldn’t even enter your head and certainly shouldn’t affect how the two of you are together now. Remind yourself of the trust you have for your girlfriend, knowing she won’t do anything behind your back. The future intentions of the other guys are irrelevant beyond that.

      As long as there are no genuine suspicions that something is going on then it is one of those cases where you just have to deal with it in your own way whenever the negative thoughts and feelings are brewing. Mentioning your thoughts on the subject occasionally is fine but if you make it into a large problem it will actual have the reverse effect. You will become more insecure, jealous and controlling in your girlfriend’s eyes and the other men will become more attractive, forbidden and alluring.

      In a nutshell, concentrate on being her boyfriend, and being an awesome boyfriend at that, and try not to worry about anything else.

      Thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  140. Justin says:

    Sam,

    I have read this post numerous times and have practiced your teachings – it has helped. I’d like some additional thoughts on this if you have the chance:

    I completely trust my girlfriend, yet I still feel funny with the way she interacts with others at times and the attention she commands (particularly with guys). She generally interacts with men and women the same way and is very engaging, smart, intelligent, interesting, friendly, and yes – drop dead gorgeous. She is loyal to me and me alone and I am super lucky. She supports me when I’m a little off and continues to reassure me that our relationship is her top priority. I know this ‘funny’ feeling I get is a personal issue and has nothing do with her, but I feel like I need her help until I can get better. I just don’t know what to ask of her or if that is even appropriate. Is it okay to discuss/set boundaries with her at least for a short period of time (to help me control these feelings) and if so, what boundaries would be okay?

    BACKGROUND
    Recognizing that she is such an amaging person, I hate that I continue to get these feelings when other guys converse with / hit on her. Usually what happens is she treats them like she treats everyone – with interest, attention, respect, and curiousity. What ends up happening is that the conversation always goes well and the guys she is talking with get a sense of her being interested (which I can understand). Beyond that, she touches them in reassuring ways (as she would with men or women).

    I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water keeping my jealousy in control with all the attention she garners. So when I see her in a situation where I feel she is giving off ‘green light’ signals to other guys, it becomes even harder. I know she is doing this subconciously, but it really affects me and I’m struggling with it.

    EXAMPLE – These two guys kept talking to her the other night and she would continue to engage them even when it was pretty obvious they were interested in her. There conversation would stop and they would come back and she would be as inviting as ever. It was clear to everyone with us that they were interested in her and I couldn’t help but be embarrased that I was right beside her. I don’t know if she knew or not, but it just seemed really obvious (to me and everyone there). There was no opportunity to jump into the conversation without disrupting the flow so I could just sit there, smile, and hide any discomfort I was feeling.

    With that, again I go back to my question. Is it okay to set some interim boundaries regarding this issue until I get better at controlling my jealousy, or is this potentially a sign that I am just way to jealous a person and need to work harder on the issue alone?

    As a follow-up question, do you think this could just be an issue with my ego (i.e. I get jealous because when she is around, I am essentially invisible to other guys)?

    Sam, thank you for all the help!

    • Jamae says:

      Honestly ive been on that boat, you have to be firm and assertive. Tell her shes being too open with these guys and that you find it disrespectful that she continues to speak to them even though their intentions are clear.. because honestly that is disrespectful to you… how would she feel if you were getting hit on and continued talking with you there? thats messed up bro, put your foot down somewhere before it gets worse.

    • Hey Justin,

      The fact that your girlfriend interacts with men and women in the same way is actually a sign that she doesn’t distinguish any extra meaning between the two. A woman knows if she is being flirty beyond her natural demeanour and from the way you describe your girlfriend and your relationship, it sounds like it is more of a difference of interpretation that is to blame.

      The problem with asking her to restrict her behaviour, even in the short-term, is that you aren’t curing the issue, you are merely deflecting it. The boundaries that you do discuss should be based on feelings and trust; you have already said that she is a loyal girlfriend and so this wouldn’t actually change much. One of my more recent articles on the homepage discusses the topic of boundaries in more detail but it sounds like you already have the boundaries sorted; it is merely the differing assumptions towards male to female interactions that is causing issue.

      The last thing you want to do is actual invoke non-existent feelings from your girlfriend based on assumptions. Helping her understand any jealousy or associated emotions you might feel is definitely helpful, although you want her to avoid feeling that she has to overhaul her whole personality to cater for those emotions.

      Talk to her in a matter of fact way, asking if she knows when guys are hitting on her. Talk about it as if it is merely a discussion point and not something specific or personal. If she shares deeper thoughts then you can share how you view her interactions sometimes and how it makes you feel. Refrain from any accusations or incitement though; like you mention, she may well not realise the intricacies of these interactions.

      To put it in perspective, does it really matter to you if she unintentionally leads some men on? It may seem harsh on those men when they realise it is just friendliness but it shouldn’t affect your relationship in any way.

      Feeling “invisible” around other guys whilst with your girlfriend is a separate issue; it is solely a result of how you conduct yourself at such times. Guys like meeting cool guys just as much as meeting attractive women, so try to be more assertive (although always respectful) during such scenarios. There is always a polite way to introduce yourself into a conversation and if you can make an effort to show genuine interest, offer value and withdraw any agenda regarding jealousy, you will start to see other men as potential friends rather than potential threats.

      It is good that you are not attaching any blame on your girlfriend and that you understand these recurring instances are a product of traits that make her the woman you are attracted to. You do not need to set any specific boundaries for this because your girlfriend isn’t technically doing anything wrong. Any restrictions you do set will be restrictions on her personality and not on the setup of the relationship.

      Becoming more comfortable over time is a combination of putting the interactions and possible consequences into perspective, whilst sharing more of your views and feelings with your girlfriend whenever you feel she will be empathetic and unaffected by them.

      Jamae – Thanks for your input. Directing a firm and assertive attitude towards a girlfriend can help but it depends largely on the type of woman she is as to how she receives it. There is a balance between letting her see things from your perspective and imposing unnecessary and forceful restrictions. I agree that if done in the right way, you can meet somewhere in the middle.

      Thanks for adding to the discussion,

      Sam

  141. Justin says:

    Thanks very much for the input guys. Sam, you continue to be a fantastic resource – I really appreciate it.

  142. Craig says:

    Hi Sam. I really appreciate all the input and how supportive you are of people asking for advice here.

    I am going out with this girl, to make this short basically she left her ex for me after just over a year of a relationship due to him being controlling and physically abusive towards her.

    I did trust this girl but a few weeks ago, 2 to be exact i found out that my girlfriend was drunk and cuddling and flirting with her ex and her boy mates. Not only that but she also lied to me about what she was doing that night, i was told by her in person that she was having a girly night in with one of her friends and would be staying there for the night. However i stumbled across them at 4 in the morning due to them being very loud and arguing with each other close to where i and she lives.

    I confronted her about what people have told me has happened and she said she does not know why she was acting in this way but that she was sorry and it was drink fueled. She says that she wants to be with me and would choose me over these friends of hers who let me tell you are complete trouble makers. Always drinking around the streets and annoying the locals, getting into trouble with the police etc.

    After a very long chat with my girlfriend i told her i would give her one last chance to make things right and for her to change, we would turn a new leaf and start over. Things have been going great so far, were only 1 week in but there turning around for the better.

    Last night she told me that her ex come to her house and asked her to attend his birthday piss up which is on the 15th of this month. That’s 3 weeks after i caught her lying and being all over her friends and ex. I told her i do not want her going to this birthday piss up unless i am there because i simply cannot trust you that soon and she started getting very very angry. I could tell by her attitude that she was not happy.

    I tried to make a deal with her where i would let her go providing she comes back before a certain time. She claims that none of them would be drinking and partying at these times and then went on to say that i am bossing her about for trying to arrange something like this.

    Not only that but i think you should know that when she gets drunk, she becomes extremely “up for it” if you know what i mean. There have been times where she has been drunk around me and she has been literally all over me and its because of this reason that i do not trust her when she is drunk. Especially after what i found out was going on before as I have explained above.

    Sam i am asking you for help, am i wrong to stop her from going to this party piss up with her ex and her friends? I really care about this girl and do not wanna have to find out shes putting her tongue down her ex’s mouth to then come back to me and say it was all i mistake and she was drunk because i would not listen to that crap and would be very angry with not only her, but myself aswell. It would more than likely result in me ending our relationship if she was to cheat on me to that extent.

    She does not seem to understand that hanging around with her ex and friends that would do anything with her with a click of a finger bothers me. I feel disrespected to know that my girlfriend wants to go to her ex’s birthday party rather than spend the night with me. I understand that i cannot stop her from seeing her friends but this is her ex and her friends that she was cuddling and flirting with will also be there and i do not appreciate that. It’s something you just do not do in my eyes and i would never dare hang around with my ex over my girlfriend.

    Many many thanks, Craig.

    • Hi Craig,

      The initial discussion you had with your girlfriend was great and seemed to get a lot of issues out in the open. The most important thing is that your girlfriend is happy in the relationship and actively wants to be with you and only you. She said this is the case.

      It is the part where you have continued to doubt her choices and verbally state your lack of trust for her that has tarnished what seemed like a positive resolve.

      Even if you do have genuine concerns about your girlfriend’s behaviour based on past experiences, trying to enforce rules based on fears is only going to make you come across as controlling and is likely to cause your girlfriend to rebel. With such a setup, if your girlfriend attends this party and abides by your overprotective rules of returning home early then she will probably deeply resent her place in the relationship and is actually more likely to keep details from you.

      What you need to do is honour the discussions the two of you had about turning over a new leaf. Trust her based on those new, mutual feelings and make her want to respect you and the relationship, rather than feeling forced to respect you and the relationship. Bear in mind that what constitutes respect in a relationship should be a collaborative decision. Your girlfriend attending her ex-boyfriend’s party or even remaining good friends with him are not disrespectful acts on their own.

      Go back to the original discussion you had and explain why and how you can trust each other, without having to impose restrictions on each other’s choices. Try to avoid using any confrontational terms such as “lie”, “distrust” or “cheat” as they will only incite further resentment or arguments.

      Remember that the party is only one night; you have every other night to spend with your girlfriend and make sure she is happy and fulfilled in the relationship!

      Take care,

      Sam

  143. Lucas says:

    Hey Sam,

    I’ve been dating my girlfriend for close to 8 months now and I feel like my jealousy is beginning to become a problem.

    A little background:
    I met my girlfriend through my other friend, whom she met when he randomly invited her to a party. He had a girlfriend at the time, and she knew that. Anyways, at the party, they ended up getting sexual with each other (but not having sex) and nothing came of it. I did not know about this, but she told me after we “hooked up” and began dating. Ever since I found out about it, I do not trust this friend around her, because in my mind, if he would break a commitment with his girl, then he would be willing to break her commitment to me if he got the chance. Likewise, I hate to admit it, but she kind of did the same thing when she knew he had a girlfriend. This history upsets me and she knows it. We were at a party with this friend recently and he was pretending to start a fight with her. In my eyes, he was flirting, and she later told me she knew I was getting upset. Nevertheless, I held my tongue and said nothing to either of them. This friend does not know of my knowledge of their “history” together. Anyways, she knows it really bothers me, and she regretted it before we ever started dating.

    She also takes a lot of pride in other men flirting with her. For example, she works at a cafe, and she got a 25$ tip the other day from some guy, and she really liked talking about it and about how she was surprised he didn’t ask for her number. She really enjoys when she gets attention from men and often assumes they are flirting with her.

    We have also had arguments about her desires to try being a stripper one day. I told her how upset her being naked and grinding on another man would make me, and how that is something I wouldn’t be comfortable with. She says it’s just for the money, and they are just customers. I realize that, but money is not worth the heartache and disgust, and I don’t want another man taking sexual pleasure from someone that I love. She eventually told me she would not do it if I didn’t want her to, but I fear she may end up resenting me later if the issue comes up again.

    She has a male friend that she jokes about having sex with as well. They don’t really talk to each other much and her friend has a girlfriend, but every conversation they have is typically full of jokes like “so am I coming over tonight baby?” She flaunts these jokes to me and inside I am going crazy even though I am not even worried about this guy. I feel like an idiot because I just told her it kind of bothers me when she jokes with him like that, and I asked her how she’d feel if I had a friend like that. But the truth is I’m not the type to flirt with my friends jokingly. And I feel like the joking is harmless when I think about it, but that for some reason I can’t get over it bothering me.

    I feel like she has a lot of insecurities and she feeds off of male attention to make her feel better. I am extremely affectionate and I love her dearly, and it’s hard for me to understand why my attention isn’t “enough” but I feel like she purposefully does a lot of things to make me jealous. I don’t want my jealousy to drive her away from me. But lately I’ve been getting more upset about it and it’s becoming a problem. I want to work on my jealousy, but I don’t have anyone to talk to and I want to know if I’m being too worried or this is stemming from my insecurities or if I should be a little worried or what. I didn’t really take myself as a jealous guy, but I’m starting to think this is a combination of my insecurity and her attention-loving nature and past mistakes that I should forget.

    • Hey Lucas,

      Trust, or rather, whether someone would do something disrespectful towards you is something that is proportional to how solid that particular friendship or relationship is. This applies to you and your girlfriend and it also applies to you and the friend you refer to at the beginning of your comment.

      If he is a good friend, then talk to him about it, not implicating him but just making sure things are clear and that he knows your relationship is serious. At the very least you want to avoid becoming the antithesis of a good friend. If you start showing contempt towards his behaviour whilst in his company, he will sense it and will be less likely to respect your relationship.

      The most important thing is to not weight any insecurity that you have onto your girlfriend. She can’t change the fact that she had a fling with this guy in the past. It was before you got together and has no impact on how fulfilling your relationship is now or in the future. By making it a bigger issue than it is between the two of you, you are actually drawing this guy back into the picture. Now that she knows your feelings about her and the friend, you don’t need to say anything more about him unless it is relevant to the discussion. The less you think and talk about it, the less it will be perceived as an issue.

      One of the worst mindsets to get into with regards to jealousy is that other men are in some way taking away a part of your relationship if they flirt with your girlfriend. In reality, your relationship should be independent from those other events. Your relationship should not change due to how much she gets hit on and likewise, how much she gets hit on should not be a result of anything in your relationship!

      This mindset also applies to the stripper discussion. It is fine to share joint future projections and goals. It is also fine to share how her being a stripper might make you feel. Ultimately though, if you prevent her from openly and innocently doing something that she genuinely wants to do, it might affect how comfortable she is in the relationship. There is a big difference between sharing personal feelings with your girlfriend, and emotionally preventing her from being her true self. The latter is definitely a fast track towards resentment as you mention.

      As for your girlfriend still looking elsewhere for validation, it is perfectly normal for her to do so. How she expresses that desire is related to her own self-esteem and is something that can and will change. Humans are social creatures and your girlfriend will gain different social rewards from the different people in her life. Concentrate on the unique aspects of her life that you and only you share with her, and concentrate on doing them well: attraction, love, intimacy and trust to name a few.

      There are lots of great resources here and elsewhere on the topic of jealousy, but ultimately the only person that needs to fully understand any personal jealousy or insecurity is you! Sometimes speaking those jealous thoughts out loud to yourself can help you differentiate between those that have substance and those that are based on illusions or assumptions. A belief in your relationship and your worth as a boyfriend is something that only you can actively work on.

      To summarise, provide your girlfriend with the qualities of the best boyfriend you can be (affection, deserved validation, love, confidence etc) and disregard as best you can anything that doesn’t help you to do that. You don’t have to be the only person fulfilling her self-esteem needs… you just have to be the only person fulfilling her boyfriend needs!

      All the best and thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  144. Tanner says:

    Thanks for the info I have had a lot of guys being weird and talking to my girlfriend she has told me about every single one so I don’t feel that she would be cheating on me. She does right now have a number that she does not know that is texting her and asking for nude pictures a lot or pictures of her in a swim suit and stuff like that it. I know she is creeped out by this but she says the best way to get rid of him is to ignore him. She and her friends were drunk one night and he texted do she found a picture of a penis and sent it to him and he stopped texting for a while but now he is up and texting agian. I told my girlfriend that she should just threaten to report him to the authorities without actually reporting him but she said she was just going to ignore him. Which way would be better to get rid of this creep? Me and her have been going out for almost a year and she is the love of my life.

    • Hey Tanner,

      Simply ignoring the messages in question has two advantages: the majority of men will acknowledge the lack of response as disinterest, or they will get bored and move on; it will also stop the messages becoming a significant issue in your relationship.

      Most women do not like unnecessary drama. Your girlfriend has the right default attitude: seeing if ignoring the messages works first. Most phones let you block certain phone numbers, which would achieve the same result, but do not pressure your girlfriend to do this if she doesn’t think it is necessary.

      If you share the mindset with your girlfriend that this guy is creepy and certainly not a threat to your relationship, you will gain a more mutual understanding on the situation.

      Obviously if the messages persist, or if they start verging towards harassment (from your girlfriend’s point of view) then more decisive intervention would be required. Until then, let your girlfriend solve the issue in her preferred way and continue your role as a supportive boyfriend. Make her feel like she can comfortably tell you if anything further were to happen.

      I hope that helps and thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  145. Jacob says:

    Hey I really like this article! Thanks already for the help but it’s just…My girlfriend is one year older than me and she just started going to college for her first year and im going to Grade 12 and she’s like 20 hours away now. And I trust her with all my heart and I know that for a fact, but see to me it’s hard to trust other guys. See I’m afraid that she’ll come into contact with guys who are going to try to be more than “flirtatious” such as trying to touch her on the arm or anywhere else that’s a tactic to signify something sexual, or getting a little bit “tipsy” and annoying her with come ons and hit ons, and god forbid, trying to kiss her. It’s just really hard to stop thinking about it for some reason. I know that she can protect herself but obviously I feel like I wanna be there to protect her too but I cant right now. Like for example tonight she was at a little party, both guys and girls, and it was a little drinking party, but she doesnt drink. Anyway all I could keep thinking about was that I knew for a fact that she was the most beautiful girl there and that all the guys were thinking about the same thing: her! I know this because she stands out and you can’t skip over her if you tried. I love her to pieces, she’s my baby and my sweetheart and I know she feels the exact same way if not more <3 I just want to know how to stop worrying and figure out how to know that this will 100% work and we'll definitely be together until we are back together next year? It's just a "me" problem, I just happen to know what guys are like, being one myself, and just have a repertoire of guys who are prime examples of guys I would worry about. What on earth do I do???? Please help!

    • Hey Jacob,

      You say that you trust your girlfriend; it is other guys that you find it hard to trust. Well the short answer is that if you trust your girlfriend, you don’t have to trust other guys! All you have to do is not let their presence mentally affect your relationship.

      The biggest factor in whether your relationship will continue to work whilst your girlfriend is at college is how you treat the actual relationship, completely independent from her new lifestyle and the men she meets. You have to continue to be the boyfriend that she loves and trusts, despite the logistical changes. That means suppressing the jealousy and neediness that will no doubt crop up at times, whilst it is continually implied that you trust her.

      Colleges and Universities are full of men that are socially immature and often inappropriate; you can’t do anything about that! What you can do is be the antithesis of those men: her mature, confident, fun and trusting boyfriend back home. Your girlfriend will quickly learn how to “protect” herself at college, especially if she does not drink. I am sure she will also have female friends looking out for her.

      Basically, whenever you are speaking to your girlfriend, or simply thinking about these topics, make sure you always put the relationship’s needs first, rather than your personal fears.

      Thanks for reading and let me know how things go,

      Sam

  146. Cody says:

    Hi Sam, I love you site and really appreciate the perspectives you present for both sides of the story. I have a question regarding my current relationship that I am hoping you can shed some light on. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for just over a year now. It has been pretty rough throughout because I admit I have a lot of insecurities regarding her because she consistently cheated in her last relationship with a couple of guys in the town we live in. I have noticed even in our relationship she is a pretty pathological liar when it comes to her phone and talking to other guys. I have always told her to just be honest about everything because hearing it from her is better than me finding out some other way but she continues to hide and lie. Recently I thought we were starting to have a breakthrough and she was beginning to change. Things were really good. We have always had a problem with her ex-bf contacting her and even her contacting him (and lying about it to me). I don’t necessarily agree with having exes in your life after a relationship especially how she’s gone about it. I don’t want to tell her not to talk to him because I know she will just lie about it anyways but it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don’t want her to lie about things anymore and I’m starting to feel inadequate or not good enough for her because she keeps doing these things to me. I am just wondering how to deal with this situation (both her consistent lying and hiding of guys phone numbers, conversations, etc. and how to deal with her wanting her ex in her life). I realize she says she just wants her ex as a friend and there is nothing there, but she hasn’t earned my trust enough to warrant that at this point. Thanks for reading and look forward to your response.

    • Hey Cody,

      The first thing to think about is why you think she is lying in each of these scenarios; why she thinks it is better to lie than to be honest. Even though you have told her that you would rather she was honest each time, she chooses to lie or withhold information based on her expectations, experiences and beliefs. It is as much about how much she trusts you and the people around her as it is the reverse.

      If this is habitual behaviour that she sees no wrong in, then it will take time for her to see the benefit of being more honest and open with you. If you can talk about methods that will be beneficial for the relationship, rather than beneficial for you, and be honest about what that entails, then she will be more willing to compromise.

      The same applies to her being friends with her ex-boyfriend. Being friends with an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend is only a problem if there are lingering feelings and a lack of respect from either party towards any current relationships. That is the only part that you should actively encourage her to be aware of, and not whether she should be friends with him.

      Ultimately, you can’t force trust or changes in behaviour; you can only influence them by making the other person see real benefits from those changes. Those benefits must be mutual and not based on insecurities in any way if they are to be solid and lasting.

      I have actually drafted a new article that relates the topics of lying and trust, so check back and I will hopefully post it soon.

      Thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  147. Dave says:

    Hi Sam, I was reading a lot of your blog tonight and I really like it. I wanted to ask you about my relationship. My gal is great, the complete opposite of me. She has this shy element that really makes her attractive to me and obliviously others. Here’s the problem. I do most of the work/ driving in our relationship, and work very hard to be the best boyfriend possible. Whenever she’s sad, (even in a case where I was the one that was the one she wronged) I bring her up. Now she gets hit on a lot, and normally that doesn’t bother me since she tells me about it. But recently I went to England on Business for 2 weeks and we did infrequent phone calls/ text/ emails/ FB messages. I’m not sure if this problem always existed, but i noticed how she never asked how i was doing in the conversations. Now It could be she just wants to hear it all when i get back, but i being her boyfriend am starting to worry about it. I started to relize how she is bad at communication. If hopefully, she cares enough to hear how my day was for a change, then how do i explain to her how she fails this without her starting to cry (she’s very emotional… {welcome to the world of women lol}). Now here’s the kicker, just recently someone posted this inappropriate post on her social site that she told me about it. I’ve never heard of this guy before and she discloses how she knew him for a long time. To me it was very obvious that he was hitting on her, which i revealed to her. She says she doesn’t like when he hits on her, but then why does she let it happen. I tried to explain that i was crushed by explaining this… if you don’t like it, then why do you continue to let it happen. She said I misunderstood her which can very well be true (since after all this was all on FB and maybe I’m reading to much into it) and that we’ll speak about it in person…. I’m going to see her for the first time in 2 weeks tomorrow but here’s the problem. How to i convey that these to issues bother me without her getting overly emotional and becoming the victim. I feel that I find it hard to relate to her, and she’s bad at promoting me to talk about us and myself. How is it I can relate to her my feeling and get her to be a better girlfriend? How should I react when I see her for the first time? Should I pretend as if nothing happened (That I’m not Hurt) and wait till later to talk about it? I’m getting tired of doing all the work in my relationship, how do i get her to do some of the driving? Even if i did indeed misunderstand her, how do i get her to be sympathetic to my feelings? Looking forward to your answer. Thanks

    • Hey Dave,

      You have described your girlfriend’s personality as shy and reserved, and all of the following examples you describe mirror those traits perfectly. Perceived innocence and a submissive nature can be very attractive traits in a woman. The opening few sentences of your comment describes a healthy dynamic and a relationship that seems to have been working well.

      Nothing will have fundamentally changed whilst you are away, only that the distinction between those contrasting roles is heightened when you aren’t there to subconsciously bridge the gap.

      Unless there are other unknown factors, I am willing to bet that your girlfriend is very interested in what you have been up to and your relationship as a whole. It is the same part of her personality that prevents her from being decisive and dismissive of other men hitting on her that restricts her from dictating your conversations: be it a form of social politeness or simply a fear of unknown repercussions.

      There are ways you can prompt her into asking more questions about you and encourage her to reveal what is really on her mind. It is a certain form of trust that will allow her to do so, one where she feels you empathise with and understand who she truly is. A main factor in achieving that is making sure that you never inadvertently undermine her. I am sure she is fully aware that you play a more confident and leading role in the relationship; it is probably one of many traits that she is attracted to. Focus on how she reacts and responds when you go ahead and tell personal anecdotes, rather than whether she actually prompts you to tell them in the first place.

      As for when you see her next in person, it is always best to greet each other with enthusiasm and desire, regardless of whether there is any negativity brewing. If such discussions do take place, they are always best when conducted between two people happy and comfortable in each other’s presence.

      There are ways for you to inspire a more assertive side of your girlfriend’s personality and find more of a compromise but ultimately, many aspects of the dynamic you have is fundamental to the relationship you share. In my opinion, those relationships are just as fulfilling as any other, as long as you continually understand and empathise with each other’s personality type. That includes realising what each other’s true meaning and intentions are whenever one of you does something that is different to how the other would expect it to be done.

      It is difficult to fully analyse your own relationship whilst you are physically apart; our minds tend to fill in the gaps of scenarios that were never really an issue. I am sure when you are back together it will be far easier to tell whether anything has actually changed and whether the relationship is actually how you want it to be.

      Thanks for reading the website; I’m glad you like it!

      Sam

  148. TJ says:

    My girlfriend and I have been together for less than a month. She lives a bit far from me so we don’t get to see each other every day. Anyway, she has a male friend who she has known for 8 years, and her friend is ALWAYS at her house, in her room. She once told me he stayed in there from 8AM-10PM (this is when I started to get concerned). And it continues to be that way. He is in her room as late as 2AM some nights. I can understand if he visits her house for a few hours since that’s what friends usually do, but he stays in her room the WHOLE day. She even told me they took a nap together (although he was on the floor according to her). If it matters, she doesn’t smoke, drink, or have parties.

    I really don’t want to be the jealous boyfriend, but this concerned me. In the past she has never cheated on someone, but she has cheated WITH someone. She has had a friends with benefits relationship before. She is a very.. flirty and physical person, if that makes sense. So I worry a bit more due to knowing her past actions and social behavior.

    I’ll say right now that this is all speculation on my part. I have never seen the guy before and I don’t know what goes on when they are together in her room. But I tend to expect the worst in people, which sucks for me. I kept thinking about it and I brought it up to her – and I admit I didn’t do it in the calmest way. Anyway, I told her that she would feel just as concerned as me if she were in my position, but she wasn’t willing to hear me out. She pulled the “you don’t trust me” card and we are now ignoring each other as of right now after having a short argument.

    Am I to blame here? I think maybe I’m just being insecure. I do trust her, but having many guy friends – including one that is in her room all the time – makes it harder to do so.

    Any advice would help. Thanks.

    • Hey TJ,

      It is always difficult when scenarios like this crop up, but be careful not to become your own worst enemy and negatively affect your relationship as a result.

      A few things that should help ease your concern. Firstly, they have known each other for eight years; if they have no romantic history, it is unlikely that anything would spontaneously blossom now. Secondly and more importantly is how you know about this other guy. Presumably your girlfriend tells you, which is another indicator that you have nothing to worry about. If you start to “punish” her for telling you that sort of information, she will feel the lack of trust and eventually stop telling you altogether!

      Your relationship is still new and still developing. Now is the time to bite your lip and counter the insecurities by forcing yourself to trust her. Keep a positive and healthy level of communication and try to assume the best from your girlfriend whilst your relationship and trust for each other is still growing.

      Whenever appropriate, it will also help if you take the time to find out more about this male friend and the extent of their relationship, not due to jealousy or fear, but due to an interest in your girlfriend’s life. Like you say, you currently have no justifiable reason not to trust her, so you have to go by what you know rather than what you assume, whilst working on making your relationship as mutually fulfilling as it can possibly be.

      Make a promise to yourself that you will not contribute to any more arguments based on speculation and assumption. You want to make sure that she never has to say “you don’t trust me” again.

      All the best and thanks for reading,

      Sam

  149. Anthony says:

    Hi Sam, First off please let me say I think you are doing a really positive thing with this site. I am lucky enough to be dating an extremely sweet, kind and abnormally beautiful woman. The problem is while she isn’t necessarily flirty i’m not kidding when I say she is one of the nicest people I have ever met. I trust her completely. The problem is it seems like every male she meets and gives the time of day to eventually ends up falling for her. To clarify this she is quite honest with them that she is in a relationship but they almost seem to ignore this on varying levels and try to court her on varying levels. I know it isn’t my right to tell my GF who she can and cannot be friends with but it does bother me. This isn’t simply paranoia on my part she even complains to me about it because she gets tired of not seeming to able to have friends that are OK with being just friends. She is not at all good at shutting people down when it is time to shut it down because she doesn’t like confrontation to begin with and she has a very hard time hurting people even when there really isn’t any choice left. I am really lucky to have her in my life and overall I am very happy but I must admit all these guys who act like were in competition for my girlfriends affections is really starting to get to me. Again I completely trust it still bothers me quite a bit.

    • Hey Anthony,

      As the article discusses, men that lust after your girlfriend are an unavoidable consequence of dating an attractive and friendly woman. It is a compliment to both your girlfriend for being attractive and friendly, and you for being her chosen partner despite her having other dating options. It is neither your fault that she has other suitors nor your prerogative to deflect them.

      Your role is to be supportive and understanding of your girlfriend’s lifestyle, personality and desires. The only times that really needs exercising is when your girlfriend outwardly expresses displeasure in some of the situations she finds herself in. Even then, be careful not to subconsciously affect all the positive character traits that result in her having more attention than she might desire in the first place.

      You say that your girlfriend dislikes confrontation or shutting people down in an obvious manner, both of which are positive character traits. The good thing is that she never actually has to start any confrontation. If she is assertive and clear about her intentions and relationship status, anyone who oversteps those boundaries can be politely ignored. Once again, this should all be your girlfriend’s decision and doing unless she specifically asks for your active support.

      Concern for your girlfriend’s welfare is admirable if you genuinely see something that she is oblivious too. Make sure that your fear and anxiety (the emotional manifestation of that concern) is always less than that of your girlfriend, the person actually in the firing line.

      Another thing that will help you to maintain a healthy perspective on the situation is to highlight that it is other men acting on poor social or moral conditioning, against their better knowledge, rather than your girlfriend consciously leading them on.

      There are only really two “solutions” to the problem. The first is for your girlfriend to be rude and dismissive to anyone that shows even an inkling of social interest. This option would ruin many of the wonderful social traits your girlfriend possesses and create negative energy in the relationship.

      The second and more ideal option is to accept that your girlfriend will always have other men lusting after her, but you are constantly creating an awesome relationship that is solid enough for it to never be an issue!

      All the best and thanks for writing,

      Sam

  150. Ivan says:

    Hi Sam, I’m having problems with my girlfriend. It started on new years eve, she went out with her guy cousin whom I’ve never met and his army pals to celebrate new years together while I was at work. I only found out she did this when she answered her phone pretty much gone and mumbling that she was out and she would call me the next day. the next day she didn’t get home til 4pm that day. from there on I started to question where, who, and what. We started to grow apart but we made an effort to keep our relatioship together. Just recently I found out on her phone she was talking to a guy I couldn’t stand. I found his number in her cell phone Under Huni…I was and still am hurt about it. She said they were only talking but part of me still feels as if she still talking to this guy despite having a big arguement over it. This guy is married and in her past relationships she’s dated men who were still married to their wives..I love her with all my heart.. But part of me just tells me I should just let her go. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
    thanks,Ivan

    • Hi Ivan,

      There are many lessons to be learnt in relationships; one of which is learning to accept the reality of certain external relationships your partner has. It is impossible to know your girlfriend’s true intentions without analysing the relationship as a whole. Be careful not to jump to conclusions. How you deal with this situation could very well dictate how this relationship and any future relationships turn out, regardless of whether your girlfriend ever had disrespectful intentions.

      If you have a happy and fulfilling relationship together, anything she gets up to whilst you are apart is technically not your business. Of course you will naturally talk about what you have been up to whilst apart but it should come from a place of interest and love rather than from fear or jealousy.

      Of course I am not suggesting that you ignore legitimately suspicious behaviour on her part, but equally don’t create suspicious behaviour due to a biased perspective.

      One exercise that might help is to pretend that you are looking in on a random, unrelated relationship… Would you still deem the girlfriend’s friendships and behaviour unacceptable given how the relationship is as a whole? If you are emotionally invested in a particular outcome, it is easy to overlook certain contributing factors, as well as exaggerate or twist others.

      From what you have described, especially ending with how much you love your girlfriend, working on communication, awareness and understanding should be your primary focus. Having external friendships, even ones that are notably flirtatious, is only a problem if everything else in your relationship is directing it towards being so.

      Take care and thanks for reading the website,

      Sam

  151. matt says:

    Hi,
    i have trust issues. from my past romantic relationships, as well as my life in general. so when i met my gf, i told her exactly that. there are several smallish issues i have with trusting her, however the main one is her vacation away from me and what went down.
    aside from the fact that i was going through a tough time in my own life and she decided to go on vacation with her brother, how she behaved, makes me doubt her sincerity\integrity\loyalty\awareness.
    she went to central america on a surfing yoga retreat vacation. she is a very outgoing sweet person and people naturaly gravtate to her. however her unawareness of others’ intentions(as she claims) has caused a temporaryv breach in our open communication and i fear, this type of situation will happen again. which basically amounts to me not trusting her? so at this paradise retreat, she meets plenty of people, one or two of which are romanticaly interested in her. this is no shock, as she is extremly attractive and i am always flattered by the interst of other men. never been a jealous person. however within 2 days of arriving, she has added a guy on face book and tells me that its nothing, just a friend.
    turns out they spent plenty of time together and when i inquired how it was possible that this guy was just interested in hanging out, she admitted that he did like her and made several advances. she claims she shrugged them of but then never adressed the issue directly with the guy and they stayed buddies. turns out, she entertained his advances to the point where he really believed she liked him. he even made a video of his travels with an expert of her in it(which she had to show me cuz her parent mentioned how cool it was). And when she showed me, she had an air of embarrassment or guilt.
    she is not an insincere person and i know she cares about me. so is this the classic “i like attention from guys too much” syndrome? or is it a sign that she is not as into me as i am into her. perhaps me being older than she is, i why deliberately avoid situations with women that could send the wrong message. to me its important so that they dont get the wrong idea of what i want, and i wont be in a situation where i have to physicaly reject someone.
    so i guess my questions are- is she ready for a serious relationship? should i trust her?

    • Hey Matt,

      There are many differences between male and female social psychology. From the limited details you have given, it sounds like it is mainly a case of naivety on your girlfriend’s behalf that leads her to inadvertently lead some guys on. That isn’t a reason to trust her less; in fact it can be a reason to trust her more, especially if she doesn’t hide what actually happens during isolated incidents and freely explains what it meant to her at the time.

      If that is the case, embrace and accept her naivety towards male social dynamics and know that she can still be friendly, honest and trustworthy in her own way. Comparing it to the way you deal with women making advances towards you only highlights the gender differences further. Just because you have a specific boundary when it comes to external attraction and escalation and a preferred way to deal with it, it doesn’t mean your girlfriend necessarily shares that exact protocol. You can share your own experiences whenever relevant (and I’m sure she would want you to do so) but learn to fully understand her own genuine boundaries rather than ones you subconsciously impose on her.

      A serious relationship and all the related skills that make it work are not inherent… You have to learn through experience and a desire to improve in those areas. You can help her be ready for a serious relationship by being patient and understanding of her unique pathway to the relationship you both envisage, especially if she is younger.

      Your girlfriend’s reaction to what happened shows that she is at least somewhat aware of how it makes you feel and any underlying intentions of the men she socialises with. Going forward you should focus on enhancing that mutual understanding: she fully understands and subsequently respects your current boundaries; you fully understand her actions and true intentions, building your trust for her and eventually negating the need for any specified boundaries.

      Take care,

      Sam

  152. Curt says:

    Hey Sam,

    I wrote on here a few years back and really liked the response i got from you. Its great you put so much time into the responses to help men like us.

    Today i come to you with a question that i hope you may answer.

    As a man is it normal to feel an extreme discomfort at the idea of other men approaching your partner? Weather it be texting her, approaching her in a nightclub or asking for her number at work?

    Also if you trust your partner to be faithful, and you trust her to tell these guys to go away, is it still normal to feel intimidated or frustrated/jealous when she recieves this attention even when she does not reciprocate?

    Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer on this!

    • Hey Curt,

      I prefer to use the term “common” rather than “normal” when referring to discomfort towards other men approaching your partner. There has been a lot of research into evolutionary social traits pertaining towards “protecting” loved ones, but even deeply ingrained or inherent traits can be changed if they are not beneficial to you.

      The level of discomfort men experience in this department varies due to a number of factors. Being expertly aware of your personal emotions, where they stem from and their active meaning is what sets apart the men that eventually overcome any undesirable states.

      The goal in the short term is to be able to control any fears and urges to react negatively rather than letting them control you. An empathetic partner can help with this but really it is a personal development exercise. It is solely within your control how you conduct yourself, and as a result, how fulfilling your relationship is. Truly believing this will prevent you from blaming your partner for anything that transpires, or indeed worrying about her potential actions.

      To summarise all the advice I give on dealing with your girlfriend getting hit on, concentrate solely on being the best boyfriend you can be, earning your partner’s complete respect and admiration, and then letting the relationship chips fall where they may. Before long, looking back at past fears and insecurities, you might be surprised at how absurd they were!

      All the best and thanks for sticking with the website,

      Sam

  153. Trevor says:

    Hey Sam,
    I am currently dating this girl I’ve known for almost two years, we’ve been dating for about five months. It’s been a crazy five months! She’s the type of girl who acts like a guy. Even though it shouldn’t get on my nerves that she still talks to two of her former exes one of them she dated for 3 years, a year ago and the other she broke up with after 8 months and then started dating me. They both still want her back and I find it disrespectful that she still talks to them when they don’t respect that were are dating. The one ex boyfriend she dated for 3 years always asks her to come stay with him and sends her pictures of the past. I’ve even seen texts from her to him saying that “he will always be apart of her life and that she will never stop loving him” she says this because they grew up together but if he’s causing us to have problems why even talk to him? And it also seems like when we have problems or an argument she texts one of her exes. She also has alot of friends that are guys and it seems like they flirt with her alot. It seems like she has something to hide also because when she stays with me and were about to go to bed she changes her pass code to her phone and she does not like me even touching her phone, which she says is because she likes her privacy. I can’t help but think she’s cheating or talking to other guys behind my back. Her ex of three years said that he went over her house before but she denied it and even said that she was going to spend the night with him one night but she didn’t. It seems like everything I do is never appreciated and doesn’t matter to her. It kinda seems like she loves me and wants to be with me but she is keeping her exes around just in case something happens which my opinion isn’t right? Also an Unknown number texted her and Pretty much asked if she was with me and then said text me to her… but she denied knowing who it was when it was apparent that they knew her… i just wish i didnt think she was doing stuff behind my back when it seems like She is…It also seems like she could careless when we get in an argument… And it’s like if we don’t talk again she would be ok. She’s the type of girl who isn’t all lovey dovey and doesn’t get jealous which is different from what I’m use to. When we started talking for about two weeks she would keep saying “I hope you aren’t playing me” and then I told her to stop and she did … I guess she feels secure now? And I honestly want to make it work and feel secure, what can I do? I really try not to get jealous like she just started following those exes on a social network and instead of saying something to her I ignored it, so I do wana change I just don’t know how to do it? Help please?

    • Hey Trevor,

      There seem to be a lot of assumptions that are affecting your behaviour towards your relationship. A lot of the issues you mention can be solved by bringing the focus back to your own relationship and your capacity as a boyfriend, aside from any external relationships.

      I actually think it is great if a woman can be genuine friends with her ex-boyfriend, as long as boundaries are always respected. That is, she has her own boundaries and knows when someone is purposefully disrespecting that. It says a lot about a woman’s character if she can set aside emotional baggage and let her past relationships be a part of who she is, as long as there is no manipulation or ulterior motive involved on her behalf.

      Another man can be attracted to your girlfriend and want to be with her, yet still respect you as her boyfriend. Just like in a relationship, respect isn’t a default state, it is earned! If these ex-boyfriends do not know you well, they have no social obligation to respect you.

      If you start to acknowledge and respect THEIR existence and romantic history with your girlfriend, you might realise that they aren’t as threatening as you assume. Always maintain the frame of you being the boyfriend and them being nothing more than friends; avoid any sense of competition with them (you have already “won” your boyfriend status after all; their relationship ended for a reason).

      By not accepting her supposedly innocent friendships with other men and becoming resentful for those friendships, you are actually proving the necessity for their existence. It is no surprise that your girlfriend wants an outlet she feels will understand her during times of negative emotion.

      As a side note, a man who is predominantly a woman’s emotional outlet creates affection over attraction, which is a trait of friendship as opposed to sexual intimacy. As such, don’t focus on the aftermath of negative moments as a threat to your relationship; focus on what causes the negative moments in the first place! I have written about how to prevent arguments and the like elsewhere on this website if you would like to read through some of the advice there.

      The privacy issue with regards to her phone can have a number of different explanations. Once again, try not to make assumptions; it is not your business unless your girlfriend specifically wants to share such things with you. It is one of those counter-intuitive principles whereby your girlfriend is far more likely to be open and honest with you about her private conversations if you show her that you fully trust her and never make her feel guilty for something she hasn’t done. She will be a lot less secretive and private if she feels that she doesn’t have to be!

      The only person that is going to disrupt your relationship is you, not through a lack of love or affection, but through constantly pushing undesirable insecurities onto her. The areas of your girlfriend’s attitude that show she is carefree and secure in the relationship are something you want to become on par with. She may have other options but that is a good thing; it means that she is with you through choice, so make sure you are doing everything you can to be a confident, secure and attractive boyfriend. There is lots more information throughout this website and upcoming that should keep you on track with that goal.

      Take care,

      Sam

  154. Tom says:

    Hi Sam,

    My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months. She is very attractive and has this amazing smile. Prior to her and I being together she was married for 8 years and had a 2 year relationship after that. When that ended she went on several dates and had some brief hook ups. I was married for 9 years and after that ended I date someone else for a month. Once that was over I met Stephanie and have felt like I have never been so in love with someone as I am with her. When we first met she was very open about telling me that she was with several guys prior to me. I was partly intimidated by this and thought it could be a red flag. I did most of my dating in my 20′s and got married at 31. Stephanie got married right out of college and really did not experience the dating scene till after her divorce. Her ex boyfriend from the 2 year relationship turned out to be a mess and still texts her saying one moment “I love you” and the next text reads ” I cheated on you and you are worthless”. Then there are these other guys after him that she had the hook ups with who still text her and ask her out. Some texts she has let them know she has a boyfriend and others she has not responded to. A couple of these guys will not give up and keep pursuing though they know we are together. With that being said she has been up front with me and told me Everytime they have contacted her.

    After it first started I told her I would prefer not to know they are contacting her. She agreed to deal with them by again not responding or letting them know she is in a committed relationship. Her and I have had a few heated moments because she would feel guilty for not letting me know about them and then telling me once again. She has never given me a reason not to trust her and spends most of her time with me. I just get agitated hearing about these guys and then her and I argue about it. She accuses me of not trusting her and I respond with ” I trust you I just don’t trust guys!” Part of me feels guilty and jerky for being upset and jealous and the other part of me feels like its normal to be upset about it. There will always be someone contacting her or trying to flirt with her and I know that. I am proud to be with her and am deeply in love but also insecure that I have not been able to respond well to hearing about people contacting her or hearing her tell stories about her ex’s. I am not sure how to work through this. I want to keep my mouth shut and not comment but also don’t want to internalize it and hold it to the point that I get I infuriated. Am I just not used to dating someone who is very social? I would love to not care and just blow it off but can’t seem to shake it. I know she is not leading them on or giving them any sign of hope. I just need an outlet for my frustration and some kind of plan to just let it go. I realize if she wanted to accept their offers she would have done that, I get it. I just really frustrated and am taking out in the wrong direction.

    • Hi Tom,

      I rarely interpret someone’s relationship history as a “red flag”, unless it is negatively influencing their current approach to relationships in an uncontrollable manner. Almost everyone has good and bad aspects of their past relationships, all of which influence the person they are today. That person in the present is the one you are with, and presumably you are the person she has also now chosen to be with. You should never feel like you are competing with any past partners; an internalised goal of my own is to be the best boyfriend my girlfriend has ever had or ever will have anyway, making the comparison redundant!

      Having both been married before, you should be more aligned than most in knowing the sort of relationship you now both want. Don’t worry about anyone outside the relationship; only concern yourself with what YOU can offer your girlfriend and how happy you can make her!

      It sounds like your girlfriend is socially aware of how to handle ex-boyfriends and other men. As such, I wouldn’t advise telling her to purposefully withhold information from you. Let her decide what she feels you should and shouldn’t know, based on your own efforts trying to remain unaffected and secure in light of such information.

      “I trust you, I just don’t trust other guys,” is an example of further mixed messages. The point is you don’t have to trust other guys… you only have to trust your girlfriend! By trusting your girlfriend and believing she is a woman of integrity, those other men become inconsequential to your relationship. Remind yourself of that point as often as possible.

      By reassessing the reality of the situation and concentrating on your only real influence, being the best boyfriend possible, you should be able to come up with strategies to deal with the individual moments. The most important one is to not let negative thoughts or emotions build up, and instead relax and let them pass you by as soon as they emerge. One method that might help in this situation is to either start working on your own social life once more, or to involve yourself in your girlfriend’s social life more often. At an advanced level, that could even involve befriending some of these other men and better understanding the dynamics there.

      Whatever strategies work for you, it sounds like your girlfriend is currently acting with honesty, empathy and affection. Along with reducing the negative moments in your relationship and emphasising the positive ones, it is another point that you should remind yourself of often.

      All the best and thanks for reading the website,

      Sam